Friday, November 16, 2018

More Gender Dysphoria

Several days ago I wrote a post on Gender Dysphoria here in Cyrsti's Condo. Basically on the debilitating effects it has on many of us. Transgender or gender fluid. As with all of my posts, I value other thoughts. Connie has this one:

 FABULOUSCONNIEDEENovember 12, 2018 at 3:44 PM
"I've said it before, and it still holds true, I doubt I will ever live through a day without having some reminder that I am a trans woman. Even if I were to have nothing but positive experiences with the outside world, I will always have some degree of internalized transphobia.

Due to a couple of bad discs in my neck, I have lost the ability to do some things with my hands and arms. I have learned to compensate in order to do many of the ordinary things in my life, but I no longer can do the work that I used to do for financial security, nor can I play the drums at a professional level (something I attribute to having been my saving grace in dealing with my gender dysphoria over most of my years). My atrophied right arm and numb left hand are constant reminders of what I can't do anymore. I try to be positive, concentrating on doing other things that I still can, but it's difficult to maintain when I can't even eat a whole bowl of soup without getting fatigued and having the last spoonfuls drip more down my chin than making it into my mouth. It's not only frustrating, but very unladylike!

I don't think I had any more of a choice to transition as I did to develop my physical problems. Interestingly, they both started at about the same time, and learning to go through my life positively in spite of each of them has been a struggle. Nevertheless, I cannot allow myself to see either as a disability - even if there are others who would.

I think that getting used to whatever limitations we may have is certainly better than living in fear and despair, but we should never settle for giving in to them. I may realize that I can't pass as a woman any better than I can now pass a football, but I also know that I don't have to be defined by those things, either.

We shouldn't put so much pressure on ourselves. Doing so only robs ourselves, and any others who may care, of who we really are. "
Thanks!


Thursday, November 15, 2018

Feminizing Medications

The last time I went to my therapist, she gave me an article which contained guidelines for the changes you can expect overtime when you decide to take hormones designed to feminize your appearance. They come from a group of Western New York organizations. Including the Gay and Lesbian Medical Alliance, the National Center for Trans Equality and others.

Here are the recommendations for feminizing HRT:

Breast growth - 3 to 6 months
Body fat redistribution - 3 to 6 months
Thinning of body hair - 6 to 12 months
Softening of skin/less oily - 3 to 6 months
Decreased testicular volume - 3-6 months

I would add from my own results, quite a bit of change is determined by how much your dosage is when you start. For example, nearly all of my first year on hormones was at a minimum and then a year later I was taken off my meds totally due to a medical problem. So. all together I have been on HRT for nearly five years. I would also add (for me) my hair growth (on my head) took off and finally after all these years I am starting to see fat distribution to my hips.

Of course emotionally, I began to feel the feminizing effects immediately. I cried more in the first three months or so than I had in my entire life. Finally, I learned how cis women deal with their thermostats. When they say they are cold, believe me, I found out they are and then again there were the vicious hot flashes one can go through.

When I talk about transgender women and HRT though, I always tell you all this disclaimer: Please seek medical attention before you undertake this process.

Additional information from where I received mine (including masculiniizing medications) can be obtained by going here: www.gayalliance.org.

Finally, remember too, HRT is no replacement for the woman you feel in your head. It's only a tool to align yourself, if you can safely do it medically.

Tuesday, November 13, 2018

Victory March?

At last night's transgender - cross dresser support group meeting, it occurred to me how long and drawn out process the journey is to cross the gender frontier and live with your gender dysphoria.

Last night, the full range of people were there. We had everyone from a total beginner to gender fluid individuals to full time trans women and a trans man.

As the beginner struggled with his/hers emotions and talked to the group, I remembered back to my ancient transvestite days when I first came out to a small group of friends. Rightfully so, it seems like it was long ago.

As most of you Cyrsti Condo regulars know, my journey includes several suicide attempts. One active and a couple passive ones. That is why I consider my path a victory march

I can't ever tell you it gets a whole lot easier but then again, life becomes so much more satisfying. A victory to be sure.

Monday, November 12, 2018

Gender Dysphoria

Saturday Liz and I went out to eat with her brother to celebrate two birthdays...hers and her son's. The steakhouse we went to is very familiar to me and really, I have never had any problems there. So, I couldn't understand why my dysphoria was giving me fits. It can only be described as a deep seated groundless anxiety.

Of course, it started to settle down as once again, outside of a couple looks, I didn't receive any negative attention. Even when I used the women's restroom.

I suppose I might as well just get used to it. Being transgender brings with it the inherent need for feminine acceptance and often, the acceptance is very hard to find in a world out to justify it's own acceptance.

On many occasions, I refer to my dysphoria as a form of PTSD. Which could be true too. I personally have never met any trans women who haven't experienced it. Some to the extent of subjecting themselves to seemingly endless painful medical operations.

I just went through too much error, in the "trial and error" cross dressing period of my life and, when you think of it, lasted much longer (so far) than my full time out and about years as a trans woman.

It's ironic too that I haven't experienced any significant public problems in years, so I can't justify the way I feel. At all. Perhaps I might as well just get used to it!

Sunday, November 11, 2018

Veterans Day

As I sit here on a cold Sunday morning snuggled in...my mind travels back to my own military experience.

Then, I thought of all of those who came before me and especially all the men and women who paid the ultimate sacrifice.

Plus we all know the disproportionate amount of transgender troops who took their closeted secret all the way to the grave.

To all of you who served,  or are serving now, you have my thanks!

Friday, November 9, 2018

Her Cup Runneth Over

Connie wrote in and commented on my very rusty bucket list. Before we get to her comment though, I have a short experience to relay from last night.

It was Liz's birthday yesterday and since my baking skills are lacking, I stopped and bought us a couple pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream to celebrate. Without the candles...quite a few in her case! :)

When I went to cash out, at the Walgreens, a young man rushed up to take my cash/card. As I was fumbling around for my card, I looked up and found him staring me right in the eye. As he did, he became really enthused to wait on me. Chance are he was entranced with meeting a real live transgender woman. Or better yet, he was a novice cross dresser himself.

Now onto Connie and her rusty bucket:

"Who needs a bucket when, already, her cup runneth over?

I used to look at life as a long "To Do" list. I was prolific in my list-making, too. In fact, in my procrastinating way, I would spend as much time making lists as I did doing the things on the lists.

A list is all well and good, but it's how we prioritize that is important. The love of family and friends should be at the top of the list, and it's amazing how so many of the other things just fall into place when one does that.

A bucket list contains those things one wants to do or experience before death. At my age, many of the things that I never got around to doing or experiencing can no longer be accomplished. I never had listed regrets, and I'm not about to put them on my list now.

One of my favorite songs is "Nature Boy.":

The greatest thing,
You will ever learn,
Is just to love,
And be loved in return. "

Awwwh!  So nice :) 

Thursday, November 8, 2018

A Group Hug

Last night was a social group meeting which Liz and I attend on a regular basis.

A cis woman from Germany I have become friends with was there and we had a nice chat. Mainly, we talk about our travel adventures but last night she asked if I had a bucket list.

I paused and said travel wise, the only place I would like to visit was Nepal. I had a chance when I was in the Army years ago and didn't do it. Thinking I had a long life ahead and would have plenty of time to do it. So much for "forward" thinking...right?

Then I changed the subject and said in addition to traveling around the world compliments of Uncle Sam, I don't have much of a bucket list. After all, I managed to graduate from college and even get chosen for American Forces Radio and Television. Plus, my daughter has turned out three wonderful grand kids and is a quality person.

I used to have a trans list before I went on HRT and began living full time as a transgender woman, but by now, there hasn't been much I haven't done.

I told my friend though, she and the group were on my bucket list. I always just wanted to be accepted as my true self and I had made it. I added how wonderful it was, all of them take it for granted and I never have. They just will never understand what they have done for me.

My bucket list must have a big hole!

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