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| Image from Simona Todarova on UnSplash. |
Looking back at yesterday’s interaction with the woman who referred to me as “she” when talking to her husband, I knew that gender euphoria was real.
When I talked to her, I was rewarded with being the total
feminine package with no doubts including impostor syndrome to ruin the
experience. In the past, I would have waited for something to come up to tip
off I was transgender. Yesterday, as I said, nothing like that ever entered the
conversation. Maybe it was because I got the ball rolling when I sat down
beside her in the waiting room. Smiled and said hello. It is difficult for me
to do with strangers because I am so shy. I guess finally I am getting the
confidence to step out of my shell and do better socially. It helped too,
because it turned out we had the same last name and originally came from the
same hometown which helped us find something to talk about to pass the time.
All in all, it made for a very pleasant waiting experience
as almost all of the people sit and glare at each other. It also made up for
the essentially genderless experience I had at the coffee shop when the
interaction did not seem to go either way with the young girl who was waiting
on me. I was friendly and she was friendly and we both went on our way. If I
had my choice, I would have preferred that the barista in the coffee shop would
have referred to me as “she” also, but at least she did not use the dreaded “he”
pronoun when referring to me. Or even worse, “sir.” Which would have ruined my morning for sure.
The nice thing about gender euphoria is that it lasts for a
long time, and I feel all the work I put into being a transgender woman was
worth it. It seemed, despite my best efforts, someone in public would break my
feminine façade and call me by a male pronoun. Which brings up the worst thing
about euphoria which is so fragile and can be broken in a moment. Then it takes
weeks to build up again.
It took me years to realize the power of confidence in my transfeminine
life. Sometimes, I felt as if I could rule the room in my high heels, and other
times, I just wanted to be left alone and disappear. Probably the same as any
other ciswoman felt. In fact, I could see it in the women I studied. Some
walked into a room with all the confidence in the world, while others seemed to
be so timid. Of course, I did my best to copy the assertive women who I secretly
envied because their gender euphoria was so real.
For the longest time, before my ankles gave up, all I wore
was high heels because I thought the shoes gave the woman a sense of power with
women and men. I knew men were conditioned to look when they heard the click -click
of heels coming towards them on a hard floor. Women, on the other hand were
forced to respect the woman wearing the highest heels if they liked it or not. Euphoria
or envy runs deep with ciswomen it seems. Sometimes it provides a major point
of competition between women if they are competing for men, or just appearance.
I am spoiled to have two powerful gender allies around me almost
all of the time. My wife Liz and daughter are always quick to provide the
correct pronouns for me when a stranger struggles. That way, when the stranger struggles
to find the correct pronouns, they always have a reminder, and I leave with my
gender euphoria intact.
One way or another, gender euphoria is as real and powerful
as dysphoria and often provides transgender women and trans men with a brief flicker
of hope when our closet needs a light to keep going in a world which is
increasingly hostile to us.
Hopefully, that is you and even if you experience negativity
in the world while you are on your gender path. That light ahead is a green
light and you can keep going. Always remember, a transgender journey if a
marathon, not a race. You don’t always know what is around the next corner but
gender euphoria can help you get there.
