![]() |
Image from Ky Nang on UnSplash. |
I describe my life when I was cheating on my second wife with another woman(me) as being on the down low. Especially when in the early days I was hanging out in gay bars.
On occasion, I feel as if I make the process of transitioning
with or without my wife’s support a little too exciting or even fun. I need to
make it clear; it was anything but. It all started with a deal my wife and I
made which I could go out in the public as a woman, only if I did not do it
from our house. I even went as far as renting out motel rooms to apply my wardrobe,
makeup and hair as I got ready to go out into the world.
Of course, with my mentality, that was never enough, and I
started to break our agreement to never go out cross dressed from the house. The
more I did it, the more I wanted to do it. That is when the going on the down
low really started as I was sneaking around behind her back as a novice
transgender woman every chance I got. I was stuck in life between not breaking
our agreement and feeling so natural every time I went out in the world. During
my life, I had always prided myself on being very honest, so I was not happy
with the way my life was headed when I needed to lie to my wife when it came to
explaining what I was doing in my spare time. Or why I was not successful in
removing all my makeup when she came home.
The next biggest problem I ran into when I was on the down
low was what was I going to do about the women who were approaching me. It was
not as if I was being bombarded with romantic advances, but I did have some
slight pushes. I felt bad because I never had any intention of ever
physically cheating on my wife. However, I had always been a bit of a flirt
which carried over from my days of being a male. There were occasions such as
the night a man tried to pick me up in a bar after a professional makeover that
I wonder what would have happened had I stayed. I didn’t and I will never know
as well as what would have happened had I pushed a little harder to get to know
a certain man with a motorcycle I was becoming close to.
I guess I had reached the bottom of my down low except for
some stolen kisses from my lesbian friends. I internalized my feelings and
waited for them to come to me, just like my male days. Then, when my wife unexpectedly
passed away, everything changed and at the least I had purged my feminine life
the best I could for the last six months of her life as I did not want to lie
to her anymore. After she passed, all my barriers were removed and the first
thing I needed to do was determine my sexuality. I thought to do it; I needed
to go on public safe dates with a couple men I had met. I had a great time with
Bob who was passing through Dayton on business, but he was married and lived
far away. I did not have to worry about being brought home to mom in our brief
relationship.
On the lesbian side of my life, things were decidedly
different since I was no longer on the down low. Since HRT had effectively did
away with any masculine sexual advances, I needed to learn new techniques. If I
was brave enough, I found with the lesbian culture I needed to move slow and
let them make the first move. I basically ended up with a group of three women
I was close to. Which was all I needed. From the three, Nikki was never a real possibility
because she was too much younger than me and I think would have recoiled at the
idea of ever having relations with any sort of men (including me) at all. She
was just an entertaining drinking buddy. Kim and my future wife Liz were in
totally different situations. Both had lived difficult lives and were closer to
me in age so they could relate to me being in a rebounding situation from all
the death I had went through. In the end, I decided to move in with Liz in
Cincinnati and are still together over a decade later, so I made the right
move. Although every now and then I hear from Kim.
One way or another, life on the down low was never any fun
for me. I constantly felt as if I was cheating on my wife. It was a relief to
finally let it go and live my life authentically as a transfeminine person.