At the Gender Crossroads

 

Image from Timelord on UnSplash

Many times, in my life, I have found myself at a gender crossroads.

Of course, like most of you, I learned from the situations I put myself into. As I always mention, the first one was when I needed to leave the comfort zone I had created with the mirror and attempt to live in the world as a transfeminine person. Initially, I was slapped down as people laughed and smirked at me. Until I learned to own who I was, which was a huge crossroad to negotiate.

Over the years, I began to think I had seen everything, but I had not. My main problem was I needed to make the final decision on which way I would go if I was faced with a making a final decision on which gender I would ever live as. Plus, I did not know if I even could live as a transgender woman. I kept searching and learning until I found I was not a man cross dressing as a woman; I was a woman cross dressing as a man.

I discovered also, I would need to transition more than once if I would ever try to make it to my dream life. Primarily when I learned it on the night I finally decided I would quit going out as a cross dresser and change my inner thought pattern. I was fed up with just trying to look like a woman and wanted to feel like one and see as if I could mingle with a group of ciswomen with no issues. I did make it with the other women and crossed another road I knew I could never go back. I mingled and socialized with other women and even used the women’s room with no pushback at all. It was amazing.

The next transition I need to make was when I needed to begin communicating with other women. It was never easy and a complete learning process. It does not take a genius to know women and men communicate on a different level. I knew well how to do it as a man, but I was a total novice as a woman. The first lesson I learned was I had to pause and listen to the other woman I was talking to. As a man, I could often make the first move and hope for the best. With women, I never did and often waited for a passive aggressive response. The real intent behind the smile often startled me until I caught on to the game.

All of it led me to the success I needed to this day to be successful with other women who indirectly try to bully me in their own way. An example was the ciswoman I wrote about in a recent post when she could not adjust to me being a parent not a dad to my daughter. In fact, I had a reader (Michelle) who responded to the woman and my return comment: “You handled it with so much more grace than I probably would’ve. And Liz’s quick response? Perfection. I’m so glad you still got to connect with your daughter and your grandchild, that’s what really matters. The rest is just noise.” Thanks for the comment! The woman was very noisy and was trying to bully me in her own way.

I was just fortunate that both Liz and I had been through similar situations, so we were ready. Somehow, the woman thought she had me over a gender barrel with the dad comment and that was when Liz took over. The woman asked Liz who I was to her and Liz said wife and the woman shut up.

My point it, both Liz and I had been through situations with other women such as her before, so we were able to handle the noise and go across yet another crossroad. By this time, I think there always will be another road to cross as I see my gender dream come together.

As Michelle said, the world is full of noise, and we must separate it into genders to make sense of it. Which would be another blog post altogether. In the meantime, for all of you approaching your own crossroads, try to feel secure on your journey and be careful. Especially these days when depending upon where you live transgender rights of any kind are in danger.

 

 

You Said What?

 

Image from Thomas Park
on UnSplash.

When your life is made up of a series of no, you can’t do that, you tend to find the nearest rock and crawl under it.

In my case, that no sent me into a deep dark gender closet I hid in for years. I even sought refuge behind the dresses and makeup I was wearing. Afterall, girls did not have to face the same challenges I was facing. I was too naïve to think the girls had separate gender challenges of their own to conquer.  It wasn’t until much later in life when I learned the truth from the women I was around about their life.

The word “no” ended up serving two purposes with me in my life. I found out relatively early that the people telling me no had any real control over me. An example was when I earned a spot-on American Forces Radio and Television when I was going into the Army during the Vietnam War. Being slotted into AFRTS was extremely rare and difficult to do and I did it with help from my congressman (back when they did anything). I learned there were ways around no if you were able to find them. I served my military duty but, in a manner, I wanted to.

My gender life was another subject altogether. I was still struggling and had a huge NO above my head for years. With a largely unsupportive family and no means to support myself as a transfeminine woman, I did not know what to do except to keep treading water and hope I did not sink. Plus, I had no money or insurance to cover any expenses incurred with gender surgeries of any sort. I was on my own and had to internalize my feelings.

Again, I found I could find my way around totally internalizing my feelings by attending local transgender-crossdresser parties where I could learn from others. In the meantime, I was doing my best to survive in a male world where I was becoming successful in. In other words, the rock I was under had more inhabitants than ever before but just as dark for me. Then I found a way to put electric light under my rock or in my closet. It was when I forced myself out into the world which was very unforgiving for years until I gained my footing and on a very slippery gender surface. It seemed my new high heels were more difficult to walk in than I ever imagined.

More than ever before, it was during this time, my gender tables began to turn for me. I was climbing a major mountain and still did not know how steep it was going to be. On the nights I was rejected by the public, I needed to go home and resolve myself to never take no for an answer. Somehow, someway I was doing something wrong and if I corrected it I could survive as a transgender woman. That was when I improved my fashion and makeup, along with losing nearly fifty pounds. All the improvements to my feminine presentation along with having the chance to communicate one on one with cisgender women I met, helped me to ignore the no button and keep moving up my gender path. I even was internalizing less.

Through it all, I need to point out, most of my progress towards being a transfeminine woman was not easy and hard earned. There were still too many, one step forward and two steps back moments to mention. At times, it seemed I was destined to learn everything a cisgender woman knew about life before I would be allowed behind the gender curtain and be invited to girls’ night outs etc. The only regret I ever had was never being invited to a bridal shower or bachelorette party. But it never happened.

Since I often learned the hard way what no meant to me in my life, I sometimes feel as if I am the worst person in the world to be writing about it. Sometimes no does mean no when you find yourself in a dangerous situation and you don’t have your old male personal safety privilege to fall back on. You must take the good with the bad when you are a transgender woman. Especially today with the current anti-transgender political climate. The republicans are not letting up at all with their gender lies, at least here in Ohio where I live and it is disgusting.

The more I see of their lies, the more I am resolved to never say I give up and keep on fighting for the truth. A big NO to the gender bigots.

 

 

Pride Two

 

Cincinnati Ohio Pride

As you may remember, this is my second post celebrating this years’ LGBTQ Pride month.

To put the day into perspective here in the Cincinnati, Ohio metro area, over two hundred thousand people are expected for Pride today. In addition, in the past month, approximately five smaller Prides have already happened. All that gives you an idea of the extent of Pride which is going on around here alone. Which is impressive when you consider all the effort being put forward by a certain major political party (not called the Democrats) to erase us.

Perhaps the biggest challenge to most Prides is the financial one which is facing the organizers of all sizes of LGBTQ events, due to the DEI restrictions which sent many big potential sponsors scurrying back under their rocks in fear. The good news is that in my hometown of a very conservative Springfield, Ohio, all the way to the big Pride here in Cincinnati, have gone through the extensive process of finding alternative funding and succeeded. Successfully debunking the thought there was no support for the LGBTQ community.

The second big hurdle the organizers of Prides face is finding volunteers from an increasingly shrinking pool of people willing to lend a hand. Plus, threats to the community have played a hand in the shrinking pool of volunteers. Again, I am happy to report that Cincinnati Pride signed up seven hundred volunteers to help. Braving ninety-degree heat and humidity did not help finding volunteers either.

Sadly, I am far beyond my ability to volunteer in any way for any of the area Pride events. My lack of mobility inhibits my ability to make it to the event at all. So, I must participate from afar.

It is also important to me that the “T” or transgender letter which we constantly battle to recognition for, is being seen at Pride. I know, in the beginning of the time I started going to the celebrations, it seemed the Drag queens dominated the scene and there was little to no participation from transgender women and trans men. Over the proceeding years after that I was pleased to see more and more trans people enjoying the day.

In actuality, our celebration on a personal level for Pride should be a year around process. Even if you are still deeply trapped in your closet, in the future, you never know what the future will bring. I am a willing example of having my gender future turn on a dime and I could live my transfeminine dreams.

One way, or another, take the time to pause and think of all the transgender pioneers who have paved a very difficult path for us all. This is your day!

A Trans Girl in the Arena

 

JJ Hart at a Witches Ball. 

Or, should I say, a scared trans girl in a new arena.

As I started my gender transition from male to female, I truthfully did not have an idea of the complexity of what I was getting myself into. I had closely studied the ciswomen around me for years to try to see what made them tick and how they survived the challenges in their lives. I also learned the hard way; I could only go so far until I was allowed behind the gender curtain.

My first initial shock when I entered the arena of life as a transfeminine person was everyone would be looking at me. Sure, I was used to the fact that all men looked at women and judged them, but I was not prepared for women doing the same thing and even more so. Since I was never the most attractive woman in the room, I did not have to worry about most men giving me a second look. Except those men who desired me for what I was, a transgender woman.

Women were a completely different deal. I found quickly how another woman could look you up and down, and head to toe. Judging me without saying a word. It took me awhile to get over the experience and plan for it. If I was going casual or professional, it did not matter, I needed to be perfect in my presentation. From accessories to shoes, I needed to shine, or blend. In other words, I needed to be better than the average ciswoman to survive in the new arena of life I chose. An arena where everyone noticed who I was or wasn’t.

After the initial shock wore off, I learned that this part of my new transfeminine life was just something I needed to get used to. For the most part, I was used to men shunning me and women showing interest in me because they were curious what I was doing in their world. I ignored the men and concentrated on the attention I was getting from the women because I was learning so much from them about how to survive in the new gender world I was in. Sure, I suffered several bumps and bruises along the way, but I survived and moved forward. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly until I found my way.

Being a trans girl in a big arena surely brought on a new set of challenges when I lost all of my male privileges. Such as my right to personal security and my right to express myself to the best of my ability. I was used to being able to scare off most all of potential physical danger as a man, which of course was all lost as a woman and I was nearly attacked several times before I learned. Also, being excluded in conversations simply because of who I was became a common place. Both aspects of my life were something I did not quite bargain for when I entered the new arena I was in.

The nuances of living in a new arena became a common place for me. As I transitioned from cross dresser to full time transgender woman, I knew I was in the right place, and I could see the so-called finish line ahead. Or so I thought.

Now at the age of seventy-five, I can see the finish line but for the most part it has nothing to do with my gender arena. The finish line I am seeing has to do with my own mortality and how my family will remember me. In many ways, I am the unintended role model for my transgender grandchild who is facing an uncertain world. I say unintended because I had nothing to do with my grandchild’s life choices. They (choice of pronouns) are just fortunate in that their parents are so supportive of the life choices they make coming from such a diverse family environment.

I believe we will never stop transitioning in our lives. We keep transitioning all the way to the grave as transgender women and trans men whose families refuse to bury the trans people as their authentic selves. The final battle and insult. The arena never seems to be quiet at all.

At the least I could say, the journey to the gender arena and the successes and failures on how I survived were never boring and not something the average human will ever know. Perhaps, it is part of the reason we have been demonized by a certain political party when most of the population has never met a transgender person. If they ever stepped into our arena and saw our life firsthand. They would know, we are not such monsters after all, just average people trying to make it in the arenas we chose.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here we Go Again

 

Image from Pau Casals on UnSplash.

A very short and sour post coming up:

Here we go. The convicted orange felon and his minions in Washington, DC, are in my life once again. For those you who don’t know, I am a Vietnam Era veteran who is under VA medical care.

Now, in addition to staff cuts, he has given permission to Veteran’s Administration doctors and presumably other personnel to not treat transgender patients. According to the “Guardian” here is how the unhinged executive order reads:

“While medical staff are still required to treat patients regardless of race, color, religion, or sex, new rules at the VA have explicitly removed protections based on political party affiliation, marital status, and national origin, The Guardian reported Monday. Huh? The staff is required to treat me, but they are not going to if I am trans or a democrat?

To be clear, in my long time VA medical care history, I have yet to be discriminated against in any way because I am transgender. I would hate to see that change just because the incompetent head bigot wants it to.

What I will never understand is what a total crazy man is doing in my life trying to ruin it. He has no business doing it. I guess what frustrates me the most are the transgender women I know who voted for him. Saying he would not be that bad. Well, he is, and I hope you are satisfied.

Maybe he needs his diaper changed more often since his birthday military parade was such a failure. And he decided to take it out on veterans everywhere who had faithfully served their country. Which is more than he ever did.

I better end this post now before I get into more trouble than I ever thought possible.

 

Friday on my Mind

 

Image from Kelly Sikkema 
on UnSplash. 

It is Friday and the day my Veteran’s Administration LGBTQ group meets…maybe.

I say maybe the orange TACO in Washington is still attempting to cut back staff at the Dayton, Ohio VA where the group is located. I became semi-concerned last week when the moderator did not end the meeting the way they always do. I wondered at the time if they were not telling us something. Then, this week, my fears grew when I received none of the advanced reminders for the virtual meeting. It is the only support group I have really enjoyed, so I would hate to see it go. Especially to someone like tRumpt. We shall see. Happily, my fears were put aside for another week because I just received my call in texts from the VA.

Also, summer has finally arrived here in Southwestern Ohio and with it, my chance to go through my wardrobe and pick out the items I can wear. The problem I have is, I am not supposed to be out in the sun because it increases the iron levels in my body past an unhealthy point. Since I have tried to increase my walks by a substantial amount, finding any long-sleeved tops which are lite weight and comfortable for my walks, is difficult to do. Having the neighborhood see me in the same couple of long-sleeved shirts in hot weather may be enough to attract unwanted attention.

Speaking of unwanted attention, I made a comment about pre-opt transgender women using women’s locker rooms to shower and change in. My example comes from a protest a couple of years ago in Xenia, Ohio which is a conservative little town not far from me. I had a comment from Pammie asking me why I chose only “pre-opt” and not “post-opt” trans women in my comment. First, thanks for the comment and my answer is a difficult one to write.  Because in many ways it will make me seem like a hypocrite.

How? Because I believe gender is between the ears and sex is between the legs but not too much of the rest of the public. It’s no wonder the trans woman was told to leave when she was in the women’s locker room, naked. Perhaps also, I could not imagine showing my body in a semi-public space for all other women to see. If they had any questions, I was a transgender woman, my nudity would wipe out any questions since I am pre-opt. Which means, I have had no gender surgeries. I think also, post opt trans women should feel more comfortable in their bodies. But that is up to them! I hope that answers the question.

On a positive note, my wife Liz and I are going through with plans to take a tour this fall up through Boston to Maine. The trip includes riding Amtrak as well as a couple of other dinner trains. Since I am a huge rail fan, I cannot wait for the trip. Hopefully, this time, I will not catch Covid and end up in a hospital far from home. Which is what happened to me last winter when we went to the Florida Keys.

Closer to now, my daughter is planning a big graduation party for the three grads in her family which Liz and I have been invited to. In addition to the graduation of my oldest grandchild from Ohio State, my son-in-law is graduating with a MBA from Wright State University in Dayton, Ohio and my youngest grandchild is graduating from high school. I feel old! But seriously, I am obsessed with what I am going to wear. I am thinking about wearing my yellow print maxi dress which would be very comfortable and would fit well because of the diet I have been on. But I still have some time to think about it since it is not until the July 4^th weekend.

Thanks to all of you for reading along every day and taking the time out to comment on my posts, your input makes it all so worthwhile.

Plus, as I said, the VA support group meeting is on for another week and I will let you know if something exciting happens.

 

 

 

 

Memorial Day

 

Carla Lewis, Trans Vet. 

Most of you know I am a transgender veteran and proud of it.

I served many wars ago during the Vietnam War (I refuse to call it a conflict) for three years. Plus, it is sad I needed to say many wars ago instead of years since my country has always been at war during my life. 

During Memorial Day every year, I feel the need to remind everyone of the real meaning of the weekend. It is so much more than the unofficial beginning of summer, along with a chance to bring out the grille and treat the family to hot dogs and hamburgers. What the long weekend means is a chance to pause and remember those servicemen and servicewomen who paid the ultimate prize for freedom in our country.

Sadly, now, many of those hard-earned freedoms are being taken away. Especially for transgender Americans in states such as Ohio. Where I live. Specifically, the Republican party has made it nearly impossible for me as a transgender woman to even legally use a public restroom of my choice.

Regardless, we have cemeteries’ full of service men and women who paid the ultimate price with their life when they left their families and homes to serve in the military. I was fortunate in that I did not have to face any combat in Vietnam when I served but I felt the impact when I learned a battle-damaged F-4 fighter jet had veered off the runway and struck the predecessor of the radio/television station I worked at. The damage killed all thirteen workers at the station. Just before I got there.

Meanwhile on the home front, I had one friend who did not survive his time in Vietnam and two others who lived but were deeply scarred for the rest of their lives.

I often wonder now how many of the military members who lost their lives were trying to run away from their gender issues? Since supposedly, the military has had a larger amount of enlistee’s thinking the military would help “make them a man”. Instead of making them dead.

All I ask is, on this Memorial Day, take a second to pause and remember all of those who gave their all for our freedoms. May they not have died in vain.

 

Just Being You

 

Paula from the UK.

In response to yesterday's post "In the Passing Lane". Paula wrote in and commented:

"I have often heard it said that the best accessory for passing is confidence. For me these days it is not so much a matter of confidence as familiarity, I rarely make an effort I am just being me.
I have a friend who uses the phrase "When the World experienced me as a man" while I like that it has emphasized to me that not only is the World now experiencing me as a woman, but that I am experiencing the World as a woman!"

First of all, thanks for the comment. It sounds as if you have reached the point in your transition where confidence is not such a huge factor but was early on in our lives.  I am similar to you in that I have reached the familiarity stage, and I am just being me. The point I always try to get across when I write is how long it took me to arrive at where I am at and how I got there. 

As I consistently write, gender dysphoria played a major part in my life, and I was very insecure on how I was appearing in the public as a novice cross dresser or transgender woman.  It took me years of effort to discover who the true me really was. So, I could go forward in the world and seek out a stable transgender womanhood. As Paula said, the world was experiencing me as a man, and it had to stop before it destroyed me.

I think one of the problems we have as transgender women and trans men in the world todays politically charged climate against us is, for the great majority of people, gender is a given and not something to be questioned. I cannot ever remember a time when I did not question my gender on a regular basis. What a strange and wonderful experience that would have been, and I can only imagine the strides I could have made in my life if gender dysphoria was not a part of it. Finally, I arrived at the point I could take my male life no longer and needed to do whatever I could to experience the world as a woman.

But what exactly does that mean? Do cisgender women consciously think of themselves as women or is it a series experiences a female naturally goes through which takes her to womanhood. Plus, let us be clear, not every female makes it to where they can experience life as a woman. Again, the overwhelming majority of the population never has to go through any sort of questions about their gender. Even to the point of not being able to separate gender from sex. With all those big questions, it's no wonder the average person has no understanding of the transgender community. 

I am biased, but I think having the chance to experience life as a man, then a woman is difficult. But it makes for an enlightened life I never expected to have. Once I did arrive, I respected the process and never wanted to go back to my experiences as a man. Except to learn from the positives and the negatives which made me a better person. 

Primary Voting Day

 

JJ Hart Speaking out.

Today is the day to vote in the Ohio state mid-term primaries and is one of the voting days I cherish so much.

I cherish voting so much for several reasons. The main one of course is it is it's my duty as a citizen to vote. Another big one always comes when I have to show my driver's license to receive my ballot. I will forever remember the first time I had to present my new license with my gender marked with an "F" for female. I am sure no one in the crowded line was prouder than I was. Probably even more so than the first time I ever voted. 

After my wife Liz and I vote, tradition has it that we go out to eat at a nearby diner style restaurant. So, I will have to step up my feminine appearance a little. I am picking out a different pair of leggings and shoes to wear along with a light sweater, since it still a little chilly and rainy in the Cincinnati area. Of course, I will also shave and apply a light coat of makeup so I can look as presentable as possible. 

Sadly, if the current administration gets its way, my path to voting will be much more difficult under the so-called "Save" Act. As I understand it, I may need to present a birth certificate as a second form of identification to prove I was born in this country. The problem is that my name on my birth certificate had never been changed and does not match my new legal name anymore. To make matters worse, it is nearly impossible in Ohio to have a birth name changed on a birth certificate. I would be stuck between a legislative rock and a hard place along with so many other women, trans or cisgender and my precious right to vote would be gone. I guess I will have to face that challenge when I come to it. 

Speaking of challenges, tomorrow, I have a long-awaited appointment with my Endocrinologist. I say long awaited because my virtual visit with her has been postponed before. I get my hormonal medications through the Veterans Administration; she is my gate keeper and has to approve my all important gender affirming hormones. Perhaps all of you remember, recently the new administration in Washington at first dictated no more HRT for veterans through the VA. Then they partially reversed their edict to cover only new vets which is bad enough but obviously did not include me. 

My next problem could be coming up soon with my Endo herself. The word is, the Dayton, Ohio VA hospital where I receive part of my care will be cutting three hundred fifty of its staff. Which means I could lose access all together to the staff responsible for dispensing and monitoring my meds, Again, we will see what happens with her and the moderators who run the LGBTQ support group I go to virtually every Friday. 

It turns out voting maybe the least of my problems thanks to many circumstances I cannot control. Thanks to a convicted felon who is destroying the country. 

Can't Go Back

 

Image from UnSplash.

At the ripe old age of seventy-five, there is no way I will back track my long difficult gender journey to transgender womanhood. 

One thing I never thought would happen is I would ever have to consider backtracking at all but here I am. Of course, the main reason I am doing it is because of the orange felon attempting to destroy our country as we know it. In the short span of time, he has been in "power", already he has affected me severely. Or almost has. 

The first time was when the Veterans' Administration came down with a new directive saying there would be no more gender affirming hormones provided by the VA. Since I receive my HRT from VA Health, I was rapidly attempting to discover a Plan "B" to get my hormones. Then the VA amended their hormone directive to not issuing HRT to new veterans only which of course left me out. I felt good for me and bad for any other new veterans suffering with gender issues along with other problems. 

Then, there was a glimmer of hope from the powers to be who were looking for a loophole in the gender directive. The loophole was veterans needing HRT for mental health reasons could still be administered hormones, just not wigs or various items such as breast forms. So, for the time being, the status quo has been maintained. No thanks to the buffoon in Washington.

The second major issue manufactured by the gender bigots in Washington is the "Save Act" which is designed to take voting rights away from women everywhere. Transgender or cisgender. Here is a segment of explanation of what the "Save Act" means: 

"In addition to married women,” Cherry said, “any eligible voter who has changed their names for myriad other reasons (related to marriage or divorce, a gender identity transition, a change based on personal preference, etc.) could face heightened barriers to vote if the SAVE Act were enacted due to their lack of birth certificate that reflects their current legal name.” Cherry is a legal director for "Voteriders" which provides voter ID information.

My problem with the bill is my birth certificate has never been changed here in Ohio to reflect my new legal name, and counties here in Ohio are refusing to do it. Including the one I was born in. So, I could not use my birth certificate to vote. The act still has to pass the US Senate, so we will see what happens. Whatever does happen is I never want to lose my precious right to vote as my authentic self. 

One thing is for sure; I will never backtrack from my life as a transgender woman. As I write about often, I can never relive all the exciting years I spent as a novice in a fulfilling new world. Also, I need to add how much I resent the recent attacks into my world. Like the rest of you, I am just living a quiet life and don't need you to tell me which restroom to use or how to vote. 

Mainly now because I do not ever want, nor will I go back, and I will never disappear. If by chance, the blog goes away because of my comments, you will know why. I hit the big time and was noticed by the wrong people.

Transgender Breakthroughs

 

Image from 
Shane Rounce  on 
UnSplash. 

Even though we are all at different points along the way in our gender journeys, we still have break throughs which keep us going. 

My earliest breakthrough was when I was still admiring my girlish reflection in the mirror, the first times I was able to try on my mom's clothes when I was all alone. I thought I looked great, and the feeling stayed with me for a couple days afterward until I could try to cross dress again. The problem was, I felt deep down there was still something missing, I wanted to do so much more than just look like a girl, I wanted to be a girl. The problem was, I did not have any gender information to go with my discovery of who I really was. I was still years away from even hearing for the first time about transgender women and what the term meant to me. I still have vivid recollections of the time I saw the transgender term used and just knew, for the first time in my life, being a trans woman fit me. Naturally it was a major breakthrough. 

Little did I know, just having a label to attach to myself, would prove to be a challenge for me as I went through life. No longer could I rely upon a mirror's image to get myself by. I needed to get out into the world and see if I could present well enough to mix in with the public. When I did, I found being a woman was no joke, and I needed to really work to achieve my goal of transgender womanhood. 

One of the big problems I had was, when I was coming out, I tried to keep one foot firmly in my closet. In case something went wrong, and I needed to go back. The only problem with keeping a foot in my closet was the time I spent in the world as a woman spoiled me, and I never wanted to go back. It was very difficult for me to tell my inner feminine self no. What I decided to do was, formulate a version of my own feminine bucket list. I would try increasingly more difficult things as a woman and see what would happen. For example, if I made it browsing in a bookstore, I would take it a step further by ordering a coffee and using the women's room the next time I was there. Or I would try to go to a different restaurant all together and order lunch. 

I try not to act as if I am recommending my path out of my gender closet to others because when it comes to leaving your closet, one size does certainly not fit all. Circmstances such as experiences in the public and where you live can vary so much. However, in my case, it did take a certain amount of courage to come out. There were many times when I waited in my car adjusting and readjusting my makeup before I gathered the courage to walk into a venue I wanted to try out as my new femininized self. Since a few of the venues I had been to several times as a man. 

Then, courage gave way to confidence and when it did, I could enjoy my new exciting life. Before that happened, it seemed to be a challenge every time I turned around. Perhaps I was expecting too much by thinking I could turn decades of living a reasonably successful male life around so quickly. Being a woman of any sorts presented a challenge because women lead a so much more layered and complex life than men. Once I accepted the challenge, I discovered I was in the right place as a trans woman and there would be no turning back. 

Even though the current barrage of anti-transgender legislation shows no sign of abating soon in many places, we have to remember transgender women and trans men will never be erased and have always existed and you can too. If you try, you can have your own breakthroughs and live a solid life out of your closet. You just have to be careful how you do it and keep an eye out for the bigots which are increasingly brave. In my case, I needed to realize the worst the bigots could do to me was not as bad as continuing to live in my gender closet. It was very dark and lonely, and I could not take it any longer and I set out to experience my own transgender breakthroughs.

The Darkness

 

Transvestia Magazine 1960.

The darkness in my transgender closet was intense and complete. I had no windows or doors to let any light in at all.

One of the problems I had was I lived in the pre-internet era when there was little to none gender information to learn from. I needed to wait for my monthly issue of "Virginia Prince's" Transvestia Magazine for so called heterosexual cross dressers only to learn there were others like me struggling with gender issues in the world at all. Even with the brief glimpse into the lives of others, I had very little of light in my dark lonely closet. I was very far away from knowing there was absolutely nothing wrong with being me. 

With guidance from the back pages of Transvestia, I managed to gather the confidence to attend a relatively close by mixer, blending cross dressers of every sort (or transvestites as they were known back then) with transsexuals. Remember, the transgender term was not used at the time. At the time, I was very naive and thought going to a mixer or two would help me out of my gender closet.  I was wrong and all I learned was I needed to go back to my dark closet until I learned more concerning others who might share gender issues with. 

What I did learn was there was no easy way to fit in with the transvestite community. I was too much of a woman for the parttime cross dressers and not enough to fit in with the transsexuals I met who were waiting for gender realignment surgery. Deep down I knew, I was not prepared for the surgeries needed to change my genitals and gender was not between my legs for me anyhow. It was between the ears in my brain. All the process did at the time was enable me to look for a brighter light in my closet. 

Sometimes I believe that unless you have experienced a dark closet yourself, it is impossible to explain to a person who never had to go through it. I know also, there are many of you who read the blog are hopelessly stuck in your own closets. Especially, with an increasingly politically charged anti-transgender world around us. Hopefully, you live in an area which is more liberal and welcoming to those with gender issues. 

I write often about how my life slowly changed through several transitions as I deluded myself as to who I really was. I internalized my true gender for nearly fifty years. Early on, I told myself I was a man cross dressing as a woman, when the opposite was true. I was a woman cross dressing as a man the best I could. At the same time, I was nearing one of the most important transitions of my life, when I began to think of myself as a transgender woman and not a cross dresser. It was only at that point, when the darkness began to lift from my life, and I could live again. 

Hopefully, your gender life as a cross dresser or transgender person is not ruled by darkness and the light at the end of the tunnel you see is not the train.

Relax!

 

Image from Clem Onojeghuo
on UnSplash.

As transgender women or transgender men, often relaxation can be a key to our survival. The sad part is relaxation can be very difficult to come by. 

If you are like me, when you first discovered the pleasures of dressing in your mom's or sister's clothing, there was an extreme element of danger involved. If my secret was ever discovered, life as I knew it would be destroyed. With that hanging over my head, it was very hard to relax. Somehow, I thought as the years rushed by, I could relax as I enjoyed looking at myself in the mirror cross dressed as a girl, but I did not.

In fact, it got worse the more I ventured into the world for the first time as a self-proclaimed transgender woman. I was concentrating on making sure I was on point with my fashion, makeup and hair, I just could not relax on the reality of putting the appearance I achieved into moving as best I could as a woman. My best laid plans of presenting as an attractive woman could quickly be destroyed by moving like a linebacker when I walked. So, until I earned the confidence I needed to be out in the world, I just could not relax.

Ironically, I did get better at putting my feminized body into motion and was beginning to learn how to relax as a trans woman until an even bigger obstacle came my way. The set back came when I needed to begin to communicate with other women and men in the world. No longer could I go out preparing to be by myself, when so many people (mainly women) wanted to talk. I was caught in a new strange never-never land where I had never been before. I did not know what to do. If I was too chatty would other people, consider me too forward, and on the other hand, if I did not say enough, I would appear to be unfriendly and not approachable at all. Plus, on top of all of that, I was very paranoic in how my voice sounded to the public. 

At first, when I talked to another woman, I attempted to mimic her voice and do the best I could. Most importantly, I needed to quit anticipating what another woman was going to say to me and listen more intently than I ever did as a man. As I already knew, cisgender women were very different than men, but I was never allowed behind the gender curtain to discover the true extent of the differences. As I always mention, I had plenty of instances when I did not watch my back and ended up being clawed by a passive aggressive woman before I understood to watch for everyone. On the other hand, I had very few interactions with men and did not have to worry where they were coming from since most stayed away from me.

Through it all, today I can't say I can ever relax completely. Especially with the current state of affairs against the transgender world thanks to a certain orange felon. It's so bad in my native Ohio, the courts are battling laws which outlaw me using the restroom of my choice at all.  How am I supposed to feel about getting arrested when I am doing nothing wrong.

The only advice I can give anyone considering starting their own gender journey is to take the time to build your own confidence so you can proceed. Confidence is the key to relaxing as you are able to enjoy the path to your new life. 

The Biggest Risk

 

Image from Engin Ackurt
on UnSplash. 

Recently, I had a comment from "Indigo" on a post I had just completed.

"Indigo" mentioned she was just beginning her transition and wanted to know what I thought was the most important male privilege I had lost when I crossed the gender border. My answer was, by far, the biggest privilege I lost was my personal security. In the space of one year, I needed to fend off potentially harmful attacks from men which I write about often in the hopes of protecting others searching for their transgender womanhood, or even novice cross dressers. 

The first negative learning experience I had was from a person, I will refer to as a transgender admirer at a small party I was attending with my second wife. The admirer was a much larger person than I and had literally trapped me in a narrow hallway in the house we were in. It was the first time in my life I had felt powerless to fend off another person who I thought meant me harm. Ironically, it was my wife who had to rescue me when she showed up in the nick of time. Since she did not approve of the provocative short mini-dress I was wearing that night, I had to hear way too many I told you so's on the way home. It turned out the lesson I learned was to do my best to judge the surroundings I was in before I could place myself in trouble. Not in any way shape or form what I was wearing. My wife was telling me about the right things for the wrong reasons.

The second main situation I found myself in was one night when I was walking alone between two gay bars in downtown Dayton, Ohio. Out of nowhere, I was approached by two men asking for money. I was lucky when they were satisfied with taking the last five dollars I had and let me go. From the experience, I asked for friends to accompany me when and if I ever went back there. By that time in my life, I was nearly done with gay venues anyhow, so it did not matter. 

I need to mention also, both of these learning lessons occurred years ago, and times have changed for the worse. However, the fact remains, women still have to protect themselves in the world from far too many toxic men. As another reader, told me, women are raised to be aware of situations which could be dangerous, and men are not. These days, a lot matters on where you live and how far along you are in your presentation. I am fortunate to live in a city (Cincinnati) which flies the transgender flag on the Transgender Day of Visibility and in an upscale suburb of the city which I have found to be very accepting to me. On the other hand, if I would drive ten or twenty miles to the next suburb, it is very conservative and non-accepting of transgender people. Plus, under current Ohio law, which is being challenged in the courts, I am not allowed in the women's restroom, which is a problem of course regardless of where I am. 

The best I can say is to anyone who is starting your transition, is to just be careful. You have to remember you do not carry your man cards anymore. Always, park at night in lighted lots and keep your head on a swivel. I know too, many transgender women who carry small firearms to protect themselves, but as far as I have ever gone is having Mace with me at all times. On top of all of this, under the current administration, if the wrong person senses something is wrong with your presentation, they could be emboldened enough to actually say something negative. Much worse than the old days when the worse which could probably happen was when you could get laughed at by a group of teenaged girls. 

It has always been very difficult to succeed as a transgender woman or man because to make it, often we have to be better than the next person. But once again please be aware of your own personal safety when you lose all your man cards. It is the biggest risk. For every negative, there is a positive and it is there are many supporting LGBTQ or transgender groups who will support you when you need it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel which is not the train. 

Transgender Day of Visibility

 

Transgender Day of Visibility
poster from my
hometown. 

Today is the annual transgender day of visibility on March 31st. 

It is a time such as never before to attempt to stand up and be counted as a transgender woman or transgender man. Sadly, it is also the time we trans people take the most risks to do so. Stakes are becoming higher and higher against us coming out in many areas of the country, especially, here in my native Ohio. Where an overwhelmingly republican legislature in the state capital of Columbus has passed bill after negative bill against us. 

To me, my visibility is an ongoing deal. Since I live fulltime in my transgender womanhood, long ago I decided to never run and hide my feminine nature. Back when I did not have so many mobility issues, I was more of an active participant than I am today. In place of being active at all, I have tried to pick up my pace with my writing and protest with my keyboard and votes. 

Plus, I know I am so fortunate to have found and married an accepting/encouraging spouse who helped usher me into my transgender womanhood. I know so many others in the community who are so lonely. 

Wherever you happen to be in your gender transition, these troubled days present a troubled challenge to being visible. Challenges such as your presentation provide sometimes insurmountable hurdles to being more visible. Similar to a "Catch 22" of passing. In other words, you need to be seen in public to learn if you present well enough to stay out of personal danger, but it is scary to even start to get the experience to begin with.  Again, I was lucky when my time to come out meant at the worst you were laughed at and not beat up. Plus, I was able to put years of practice into makeup, fashion, and wigs when I cross dressed in my closet. If the times were reversed, I often wonder what I would have done differently, if anything. All in all, it is just another one of those life's questions I will never know.

On this transgender day of visibility, I hope all of you find your own way to be visible. Anything from marching in a parade, all the way to looking at yourself in the mirror, find a way to celebrate the rare, beautiful self which is you! 

Seasons Change

 

Image from Jamiethlene Reskspe on
UnSplash.

It appears that Spring has quit teasing us here in Southern Ohio and is finally here to stay. Spring teases us every year, so it is no real surprise when it happens. We can go from summer like weather to winter in one week. 

What it means is wardrobe adjustments which account for cooler mornings and warmer afternoons have to be made.  Plus, I always use the unique seasonal changes here to completely go through my clothes to see what will stay and what will go.  From nearly the very beginning of my love of everything feminine, I had admired how girls and women had the opportunity to completely change their fashion with the seasons. Putting aside all the challenges I had with having any resources at all to buy new fashion, I still did my best to meet the seasonal change challenges. 

My biggest challenge this year is coming up in the middle of April when my wife Liz and I have been invited to my daughters in laws house for a lunch get together. I am planning for it already and am planning to wear a two-piece lightweight top I just purchased for our trip to the Florida Keys. I will pair the top with leggings I have and hopefully will be dressed well enough to blend in with the rest of the women who will be there. Sadly, I don't think my transgender grandchild will be there because they (pronoun of choice) will be hiking the Appalachian trail with their partner. I will have to find out from their mom if they still are going to have a job as a civilian nuclear engineer with the US Navy or did the orange felon's threat against transgender women and trans men destroy any hopes of having a job. 

In the meantime, it is opening day in Cincinnati for the pro-baseball Reds, which has a huge parade and is close to a complete local holiday. Since the parade is televised during the afternoon, and I really don't care much for parades, it will give me a chance to get started with my spring wardrobe assessment. I know right now, I am setting fairly well with my collection of light weight tops and T's. Especially when I added a few select T Shirts from my trip to Key West, Florida. I purchased a very colorful T(shirt) from "Harpoon Harry's" where we ate lunch and later made a special stop in Jimmy Buffet's "Margaritaville" shop where I picked up another shirt to add to my collection. My second wife and I were huge fans of Jimmy and when he passed way, another of my bucket list items went with him.

Watching Buffet's famous Cincinnati summer riverside concerts were always a hit with us, but little did my wife know how badly I wanted to be one of the women watching the show. My transition took so long, I sadly never made it. 

Now, I hear the birds chirping and a pile of clothes awaits to be sorted to be worn or donated. It has always been a labor of fashion love for me to go through the seasonal changes which made being a woman much more fun for me than being a boring man. Even though, sometimes I think the fashion experience is shallow in nature, it has always been fun to me. 

Especially, when I can shed the boring dark colors of winter and become a part of the new bright spring flowers and budding of the trees. Everything I wanted to do when I started my path to transgender womanhood. It also time to put all my sweaters away and turn another page towards my future and bright as a new season.

 

Comments

 

Image from Bruno Acquire on UnSplash. 

In regard to yesterday's post concerning the Veterans Administration's announcement they were not going to cover gender affirming hormones, prothesis's, and even mental health treatment for new veterans suffering from gender dysphoria anymore. 

In my rant, I said, among other things, how much I disagreed with the move, even though it did not affect me. The VA said, those already receiving gender related care could keep getting it. Which, of course, means me. 

One huge problem I did not mention in my post was pointed out by Denise, who pointed out, the VA's decision to shut out trans women being discharged into the world to fend for themselves was just a smaller part of what the orange felon's presidential administration is trying to do to erase the rights of all women in our country today. Since transgender women are a unique form of women, our rights as women are being taken away too. Which gives me yet another chance to wonder why any clear-thinking woman, trans or not, would have ever voted for the felon at all. And I will leave it at that.

On another subject concerning a post called "Why Me?' a reader wrote in with this comment:

"Over many decades I often asked myself both “why me” and “why not me”. For decades I limited myself to underdressing…. something I told myself was just a (hopefully) harmless kink, out of the fear that if I explored further, I would irreversibly descend that slippery slope. I in my early 50s I finally allowed myself to experiment with makeup and women's clothing beyond underwear. I still vividly recall the moment when I looked in the mirror and saw myself for the first time. In that instant, I may have even said aloud, “I can do this!”

There have been subsequent periods of self-doubt, of course. Still, every day I find that I look forward to seeing myself and engaging with the world as a woman."

Thanks to both of you for the comments! I found many of your ideas to be very profound and meaningful. Plus, I had "aha" moments when I realized I had left all women out of the current political agenda and the moment when I too had realized when I was successful in public as a novice transgender woman that "I could do this", and it felt so natural. Deep down inside, something snapped, and I felt as if I was home.

The night I realized I could do it and felt at home in the company of women was and is so special to me. Just one of the reasons it disturbs me so much to see what is happening today with our rights continue. 

Speaking of continue, I love all your comments and wish I could answer them all, here on the blog in a public setting. Needless to say, I do the best I can!

Also (something I don't say enough) thanks to all of you who find the time and effort to read along on a regular basis. It makes it all worthwhile to me!

Go Away!!!

 

Image from Military. Com

Well, the long arm of the felon running the country has reached all the way down into my life again, seemingly so soon after he got into office. 

Recently, the Veteran's Administration issued a new directive stating all healthcare for transgender veterans would be halted. For those of you who may not know, I am a transgender veteran who benefits from VA healthcare. Which means, I receive my gender affirming hormones from the VA. The meds are not free, and I pay a co-pay. In addition, for years, I took advantage of free mental health services which helped me immeasurably when I was beginning my transition. I was lost and needed the help. 

Of course, I was initially really upset that once again the felon attempting to run the country should be running my life for me again. At the age of seventy-five, I live a quiet life with my wife Liz and our two cats. I am not out to hurt anyone, so why should tRumpt be screwing around in my life. For sure, I knew it was coming when he was elected along with so many other politicians who used the transgender minority to raise false fears about us. After speaking to Liz, we immediately began thinking of ways to procure my hormones which made me feel better.

This morning as I began to research the directive, in typical government double speak, I read the VA would stop providing crucial care for new gender dysphoric patients. Which of course leaves me out but not all my transgender sisters and brothers who need help with their gender issues after being discharged from the military and I feel for all of them. Here is a statement concerning the problems which will be created by ceasing care:

"VA's rollback of crucial protections, specifically the elimination of Directive 1341, is a direct assault on the well-being of vulnerable LGBTQ+ veterans, jeopardizing their access to essential care," Rachel Branaman, executive director of Modern Military Association of America, said in a statement."

Every Friday, I attend a LGBTQ support group meeting virtually at the Dayton, Ohio VA, and this Friday I hope to find out more about this latest attempt to erase the transgender population. Already, the workers who are left in the offices have been told to remove all flags from their offices. Which as we all knew, meant all Pride flags. 

I hope to learn more then before I have a crucial May appointment with my Endocrinologist who dispenses my gender affirming hormones. 

In the meantime, you trans women who wrote in and said the felon would not be that bad are enjoying all the benefits of his lies. Even you cross dressers in your closet should beware. 

Real Life Impostors

JJ Hart at Key Largo.

 At various times in my life, I have suffered from impostor's syndrome when I was out with other women celebrating a girl's night out.

While I was overjoyed to be invited to the events and considered them to be a rite of passage to my transgender womanhood, I still could not shake my underlying feelings of doubt when I was allowed behind the gender curtain. 

As I went through the process, I began to wonder if all human beings go through a form of impostor syndrome in their lives. What I am trying to say is no woman is born a woman. They are socialized through life to achieve the status of women since they were born female. Men also go through the same process. It's the primary reason I had such a difficult time leaving my male past behind because in many ways I had made it to manhood which was miles away from just being another male. I needed to start all over again to travel to my gender goal of transgender womanhood. 

In the meantime, my confidence was building that I had as much right as the next woman to be at special functions. I had just arrived at the same point the other women did by using another path. I was aided also when I calmed down and began to contribute more to the group. I found I had more in common than I thought in this women's only space. Even though, I most certainly did not birth a child, I could bring up my own daughter and grandkids who I was so proud of. I just needed to flip the gender script to relieve myself of any possible impostor syndrome feelings. 

It wasn't just at the girl's nights out when being a gender impostor took a hold of me. Another prime example were the nights when I felt I was doing everything right. My fashion, hair and makeup all were on point and yet there I was wondering what I was doing there at all. I was devastated when I had come so far in my feminine presentation, just to have something else stand in my way. It took me awhile, but I worked my way through it all and put impostor syndrome in my rear-view mirror.

On the increasingly rare occasions when I encountered any resistance from the public, I finally came to the conclusion they were the true gender impostors. It was very clear to me why men left me alone as they were so insecure in their own sexuality. On the other hand, most cisgender women were more secure and not afraid to reach out to me. Especially interesting to me was the interaction I had with the lesbian community. Most of the lesbians I had a positive experience with had past encounters with men, so I was not so far from a person they would consider knowing. I learned quite early in my experiences in public, the various levels of the lesbian society. In fact, my first date with a man was with a very masculine lesbian on his way to becoming a full-fledged transgender man. Many times, the more masculine the lesbian, the more interest they showed in me. They were certainly not gender impostors.

Real life gender impostors are everywhere in this increasingly hostile world. We don't need insecure people in power using transgender women and trans men as crutches to increase their own power. 

Writing Your Own Script

Carla Lewis

 It is difficult enough to go through life trying to live up to the expectations of others around you. 

In my case, and maybe you too, you struggled under the burden of living up to the demanding expectations of a male world. Perhaps, you achieved some sort of success in the male world as a method of self-survival.  Bullies were everywhere and ready to pounce and you had to be ready. I used the world of sports to hide the fact in truth I wanted to be a woman as I progressed through life. An example was, when I was playing football on the high school football team, I would stare longingly at the cheerleaders who were practicing nearby. Of course, it was my deep, dark secret about how badly I wanted to be one of them. 

About that time, destiny set in for me and it was time for me to step up and serve in the military. Little did I know, later in life, all transgender military members would be banned from serving by a self-serving draft dodger.  Or as trans woman "Carla Lewis" famously said, "I fought for your right to hate me." Now, it is even worse. I fought for your right to ban me.

Regardless, I kept my head down and served my time in the Army. I never labored under the impression the experience would make me a better "man." Looking back, as I was writing a new script in life, the entire process made me a better woman. Why, may you ask? Mainly because I was taught in basic training what extremes I could endure and adjust to in the military. Plus, I learned to always look ahead in life and not backward which would serve me well as I became a serious cross dresser. When I hit the rough spots which always come when you try to cross the gender border, I used my military lessons to always go back to the drawing board, try harder, and move forward. 

When I did move forward into a new scary, yet exciting life, writing my script became so much more intense. I needed to just to get by. For example, what would I do when I needed to put the carefully crafted feminine presentation I put together over the years into motion. The need to move like a woman and communicate with other women were and are prime examples. To make matters worse, I had no workbook to work from. I was completely on my own and made my share of mistakes before I began to be successful.

As you progress with your own life's script, adding being transgender into it adds a certain amount of intrigue. Especially, these days when we are under attack from so many politicians.