I have not been ashamed over the years to document my struggles with depression, which was finally diagnosed as being Bi-Polar by a gender therapist I was going to years ago. Fortunately, the therapist was the first of several who did not try to connect the dots between my mental health issues and my depression. Saying one caused the other.
What was happening was, when I got the blues, I was down for
days, not wanting to even get out of bed. Having said that, I was able to break
the depression on occasion by cross dressing and going out into the world as a
novice transgender woman. Breaking the hold of the blues was often very brief
when I needed to return to the very mundane male world I was stuck in.
In addition, I was doing very little to help myself. I drank
heavily, not considering how much of a depressant alcohol was and my favorite
music to listen to was the blues. Regardless of my gender issues. As you can
tell, outside of the Bi-Polar medications I was taking, I was doing very little
to help myself. With or without the help I received, I managed to make it and
eventually thrive rather than just survive. Regardless of my second wife
calling me the “pretty, pretty princess”, I still took a lot of pride in my
feminine presentation. The better I looked, the fewer blues I needed to conquer
in my life because for once, I was doing something positive for myself.
When I needed the Veteran’s Administration’s health care in
the worst way, they really came through for me. I was going through hard times
when my restaurant closed financially and could not afford my medications when
one of my employees suggested turning to the VA for help. It was about this
time too when the VA approved gender affirming hormones for veterans so I could
help myself on two fronts by making an appointment. It turned out that what I
needed was an appointment with a therapist for both of my issues. My depression
and my gender issues. By the pure luck of the draw, I was assigned to a
therapist who had knowledge of my depression and my gender dysphoria. I was
going into my first visit thinking I would have a difficult time explaining how
my Bi-Polar depression had nothing to do with my gender outlook.
I never had to connect those imaginary dots with my new therapist.
She had a good understanding of the needs of the LGBTQ community and what it
meant to me. Once again, all the paranoia I had built up was wasted and my depression
meds as well as my HRT meds were approved. It was the help I needed when I
needed it at the lowest part of my life.
Regardless of all the good news I discovered, I still had to
translate all of it into my real life which was changing dramatically. I was
going out more and more testing out my interactions with the public. Building a
new life was as difficult as I had imagined and the struggles I went through
sent me back into the blues when I thought I would never make it as a
transgender woman. To be completely feminized by no one else but me turned out
to be a daunting task because I was starting from near to point zero. Very
quickly, I quit being a victim and turned the tables on my male self who was
fighting for survival, but not before I tried various self-destructive things
such as trying to kill myself. The blues were literally trying to kill me.
In my limited understanding of both issues, I fought for my
entire life, both depression and gender dysphoria could be caused by chemical
imbalances in my brain. So, I had no real chance to battle them. I was born to
a high-risk birth rate mother in the days when the medication DES was routinely
prescribed. DES supposedly flooded the uterus with estrogen hormones which
could have affected my future gender issues. Of course, now I will never know
if my lifetime of struggle to fit in with males was doomed to begin with and
now depression is widely believed to be caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain
which I think I inherited it from my mom. One way or another, I feel fortunate to
live in an era when medications are available to treat my depression.
In many ways too, the blues are an outlet I miss in my
interactions with today’s world. As the mid term elections rapidly approach, I
am preparing myself for the barrage of anti-transgender propaganda from the Republican
party here in Ohio. Knowing what to expect won’t make it easier for me to
survive. As always, I will just have to. With or without the blues because every little thing is going to be alright.