Gender Freedom

Image from Irina Rudnick
on UnSplash

 I found freedom was fleeting many times during my life.

The first time I can remember is when I did not ever have the power to cross dress when I wanted to during my early life, I had to really be aware of what I was doing to avoid detection. Of course, if discovered, any life I was living would have been destroyed. I could only imagine falsely promising I would never cross dress again or find myself in a version of conversion therapy. 

The second time I vividly remember my freedom being compromised was when the Vietnam War draft began to loom in my future. It was an unreal situation which became all too real. After college I took my physical and was pronounced fit to serve in the military. I ended up enlisting for three years to be able to further my career as I served my country. 

All along, my youthful self was learning the basics of freedom. I found rare ways to express my true gender self by sneaking out the back door of the house and initially walking around our neighborhood. Plus there were the yearly Halloween parties I went to dressed as a woman to get me by. Both attempts to ease my gender pressure did work, for a short while and then I was back searching for more freedom and often still risking everything I had to achieve it. When I could, I was making the fifty mile trip to nearby Columbus, Ohio to meet and socialize with a very diverse group of transgender and LGB individuals.  From them, I was able to learn more about how far I would have to go to have a semblance of gender freedom.

It was not until I began to really explore the world as a transgender woman, did I finally begin to experience just a bit of freedom. As gay bars and other unforgiving venues began to fade into my rear view mirror (along with malls) did I begin to discover a glimmer of hope I could survive in the world as a transgender woman. With the hope, came a new push to do whatever I could to make myself into a better woman. It turned out, I was not making anything. She was already there waiting very impatiently for her turn at freedom and life.

I learned also, freedom is never free and you have to work for it. In many ways I had paid my dues and it was time to take the chance and collect my winnings. After following a very winding and bumpy gender journey for all those years, many of the traffic signals turned from red to green and destiny stepped in to insure my gender freedom.

My mental health improved and became stronger with everything else in life. Improbably a cis-woman found me and wanted to love and nourish me at one of my lowest spots, so freedom again became a breath of fresh air. Now our gender freedoms are at risk in the upcoming election. One of the candidates who is not female wants to take them all away. Don't let him!  

Check Up and More

 

Out to eat with Liz on Left.

Yesterday turned out to be a busy day for a number of reasons. So much so, I am really enjoying my cup of coffee this morning. The extra caffeine is needed and appreciated. 

Back to the day I just went through. I knew I had an appointment with the dermatology department at the downtown Cincinnati Veterans Administration hospital. I was referred there by my local VA clinic because of several spots I had on my face which concerned them and me. At my age of seventy four, I was naturally concerned the spots were pre cancerous, or worse. 

The good news was the two bigger spots were not cancer and could be taken care of with a liquid nitrogen spray they had on hand and the smaller spot was sprayed also. Just in case. So I was very relieved. I was also happy I was treated with respect by the entire team of a doctor, a doctor in training plus a medical student who was following them around. The older doctor even referred to me as "young lady" which I found humorous and thanked me for my service. 

Liz took the day off to take me to the hospital which is in a very congested area of Cincinnati. I always appreciate her doing it because if worse comes to worse and parking is at a premium, I won't have to walk along way. Especially during the heat we are experiencing. As it turned out, the trip to the hospital was not the only driving congestion she was going to have to drive in. Her son's car lost it's brakes and he needed a ride to work which was easier said than done. His job location is a good half hour away in busy interstate traffic and Liz ended up driving it four times in two days. I specifically was glad she was off and I did not have to do it. The car shop was able to fix it and we go back to pick it up today.

In the meantime, I wanted to celebrate my good medical news with a visit to our favorite Mexican restaurant. I always feel at home there and last night was no exception. No one paid me any extra attention and the food was good. Even Liz's son, who was feeling bad decided to eat something and felt better. 

By the time we arrived back home, I was exhausted and ready for my nightly ice cream treat before bedtime and was able to relax and enjoy it also.

Speaking of enjoying something, my first VA LGBTQ support group session came off fairly well. I did not say much and let the veterans who saw the most combat action do the talking. Since what I did was support combat troops in a situation where we were attacked a couple times at the air base I was working at in Thailand, I felt as if the others should speak more. Plus, unless the others were deployed overseas most had never heard of the American Forces Radio and Television Service I worked for anyhow. It turns out the session is scheduled weekly, I missed the second one because of a previous commitment I will have to see if I will go back or not. 

For me, the next month is going to be busy. I have to schedule my annual mammogram, get a new drivers license and get the transmission fluids in the car changed among other things. Being forced out of my comfort zone with the public keeps me more active and challenged to take on the world before this very important election. For our future, vote Harris/Walz!

Cha-ch Changes

 

Vote BLUE!

After many years of keeping the blog title the same, I have decided to modernize it to reflect the name I adopted as my legal moniker approximately seven years ago. 

How I came by my final name change requires a little explanation. As many of you know, my daughter was and has been one of my biggest supporters. In a very short period of time she brought up the idea of where did I come up with my name of Cyrsti. Even though it is spelled different than the usual Kristi because of the way a light reflects when it goes through a prism. My daughter did not like it. Regardless of any of that, my daughter and I had a quick meeting of the minds and decided I needed to come up with a different name. Mainly a name which would be easy for my three grandkids to deal with and remember.

For a name, I decided to go back into my family history and select from the people I respected. For a first name I decided to go with a femininized version of my paternal grandfather's name. Then for my middle name, I decided to go a little rogue and honor my Mom by selecting her first name as my middle name. I say rogue because my Mom roundly rejected me when I came out to her years ago when I was home from the Army. As the years passed by and I became mellower with age, I began to have a better understanding of where she was coming from. 

She was firmly planted in the WWII/Great Depression mentality. Which left little room for understanding so called radical ideas such as gender issues. After her rejection, I was left to deal with my gender dysphoria on my own and we never discussed it again before she passed. I came to look at it this way, she put in the effort to birth me and raise me, so I could honor her as the daughter she never had. 

Happily, the name change has worked well. The kids seem to like it and outside of a very few instances. I have had no problems remembering  not to sign my old dead name. 

To preclude any added confusion, Cyrsti and JJ are the same person in the blogging world although Cyrsti does not exist anymore in the real world.

On another topic, even though I was saddened to see Joe Biden step down for reelection, I am extremely excited to see the quick progress Kamala Harris will have to get up to to speed and beat the former president who I have ranted against so often. If any knowledge you may have gained about Project 2025 has not swayed you against him by now, I can't say anymore except you are done living in a country we all used to know. 

Independence Day?

 

On this Fourth of July weekend, many think there is a possibility this will be the last we will ever be able to celebrate as transgender women, trans men or otherwise. Since the Supreme Court recently installed the president as a king, the coming election looms as a scary proposition. As the former president has already indicated he will never be unseated if he wins again. Plus, if you doubt me, google Project 2025 and read it. The entire LGBTQ community is in danger.

Regardless, this post is not going to be political in nature as most of you know who I support for the presidency and I will never change anyone else's mind. Plus, I don't see it as a done deal President Biden will run again.

This post is about my own independence day from the bonds I suffered when I was living as a man. 

I have plenty to celebrate since I took over a half a century to shake free of all the unwanted male life style I inherited, if I wanted to or not. Over my half century, I played all the male games presented to me such as sports and service in the military. Secretly hoping one or both would help me to just settle into a male life. Even becoming a father didn't help. I was stuck as the round peg being hammered into a square hole.

The longer I lived as a man, the stronger my ties became to the gender I never really wanted to have anything to do with. Especially difficult to break were all the male privileges I accumulated when I became a fairly successful middle aged white man. If I liked it or not, I became an automatic "sir" to the public I encountered. 

All the years it took me to sever the male bonds I had were worth it as I began to live as a transgender woman. Sure, it was different to live under a different set of gender rules but each one made sense when I did it. Major changes included being excluded from male conversations since seemingly I had lost a large portion of my intelligence, all the way to learning the all important rules of being a woman in public and how the security would change me forever. There were more changes to be sure but those were the big ones.

When I got up this morning, my wife Liz said "Happy Independence Day" and I don't mean the national one. I didn't have to think long and feel very positive about what she said about me coming a long way in my life. After all, she was one of the main influences when I finally put what was left of my male existence behind me. She told me she had never seen any male in me at all which was all I needed to hear to transition totally.

I had a question from a reader the other day which asked me did I think women were the most accepting of a transgender person. I said, in my opinion yes, by far I had been supported so much more by the women in my life and would have had a much more difficult time playing in the girl's sandbox without their help. I learned among other things, there was so much more to a woman's life than makeup and fashion. Which I had to learn to move forward to live my gender dream. Thanks for asking!

My independence day turned out to be one worth celebrating more than I ever considered.

 

Dealing With Trans Rejection

Image from Jakayla Toney
on UnSplash.

Similar to so many transgender women or trans men, I have dealt with my share of rejections. 

My first major rejection came when I tried to come out to a friend when I was young. Instead of accepting me in anyway, he seemed to be embarrassed, shook his head and walked away. With that, I was forced again into my lonely, confused gender closet. I learned the hard way my friends did not want anything to do with a cross dressed companion. 

Little did I know, I needed to become used to rejection in my life. Somehow I needed to grow a thicker skin. Then again, all of my rejections did not come from outside sources. Sometimes rejection came from within as my male self became quite the transphobe. He did not want to give up any of his white male privileges plus being made fun of when I first started to try to out myself into the real world. Ironically, my male self tried to team up with my second wife to reject any ideas of a transgender life for me. To be fair, my wife was always OK with me being a cross dresser but drew the line at any idea of me going any further towards being a trans woman and to be fair to me, she knew I cross dressed before we were married.

Skipping ahead again to the times I was rejected when I tried to go out and test the public waters as a novice gender divergent person, there were plenty of times when I was rejected. Sometimes, it was merely being stared at, other times people being rude and asking for pictures, all the way to be out and out laughed at. All of the negatives led to me coming home in tears and laying down on my bed and sobbing. For some reason, after my tears, my basic stubbornness kicked in and I began to look at ways I could improve my presentation. Slowly but surely, I did improve but the rejection scars remained behind to haunt me. Mainly, my confidence was affected leading to even more unwanted rejections. I was just too timid when I was a novice transgender woman. Many times, I gave myself away.

The worst time I ever had was when a woman followed me into the women's room in one of the regular venues I went to. As always, I chose a stall, completed my business and had started to wash my hands when I turned around and faced a red faced woman who immediately started to scream at me. When she called me a pervert, I said enough is enough. For some reason I don't remember now, I learned she was a hair dresser, so I asked her if she had a business card. She asked why and I said I wanted to pass it along to our local LGBTQ organization so they could publicize her bigotry in their monthly news letter. With that, she turned around and stormed out of the woman's' room  and we went back to our seats. My reaction to her slur must have worked because she refused to even look at me when we had the chance to closely pass each other in the venue. 

Even though I was semi successful (I think) in backing down the bigot, I am still scarred by the incident. Especially these days when politicians in my native Ohio are attempting to make the simple act of using the restroom of your choice would become a crime. So far, they have been unsuccessful because of issues of enforcement. 

Perhaps, rejection is just a part of the transgender pathway we all have to follow and the ones who are successful in our journey are just the people who deal with it the best. Then again do rejections just scar us to the point of never properly recovering. Much like all the times I was turned down when I asked a girl out ended up how I viewed the the entire world of women. I let a few skew my feelings of the many. which is sometimes what happens with transgender women or trans men. When we are painted with broad strokes like that, often it can lead to rejections. I wonder if my friend I came out to so many years ago still remembers the one he met. Did I make any sort of a good impression or did I ruin it for any trans women he may meet now. There is no way to know but sometimes I find it fascinating to think about. 

I am happy to say, I came out of my years of hiding and dealing with rejection relatively unscarred and equipped to live a positive life.  

Nonsense?

 

Recently I received this comment from Kendra referring to one of my political posts. Since I am a firm believer in  equal time, here is the comment:

"I am sorry you believe that nonsense about Trump. I am also TG, and I feel none of what you are speaking of. We conservatives are actually a loving caring group of people. Yes, many don't understand the lifestyle, but no one wants to hurt us. Please do not fear us."

Thanks for the comment and the first fact I would like to counter with is I do not fear conservatives and I have often thought of voting for Liz Cheney if she had ever made it on the ballot. To make it clear, I do not consider tRumpt to be a conservative. I consider him to be a threat to our country's security and the basic rights to all citizens. 

Now, let's add in tRumpt calling veterans (which I am one of) losers, bragging about reversing basic women's rights to their own bodies and increasing the national debt four times while he was in office while at the same time pushing through tax breaks for the very wealthy. Plus the biggest one of all, his threat to be a dictator from day one after trying to overthrow the government before (Jan 6th).

Kendra, what I really fear are the transgender citizens and allies who don't realize tRumpt and the paid off SCOTUS is coming after your basic rights. Perhaps you haven't heard of the 2025 blueprint. If you haven't I suggest you research it yourself. 

What I also fear is my hopes for my transgender grandchild's life in the future long after I am gone. At the least I want my grandchild to use the rest room of their choice which is being challenged now in my native Ohio by (yes) a conservative majority in the state legislature. I want them to know I tried my best in any small way to help the transgender and LGBTQ cause. 

I know sometimes I may sound as if I am some sort of a radical left leaning person but I value the counterpoints of having conservatives in the system and I used to have lively discussions when I was in the Army when I was the only once saying at the least Nixon was a crook. 

My deepest desire is tRumpt is never given a chance to advance his agenda against the the country in general and the transgender community in particular. It doesn't take someone in a paygrade higher than mine to recognize that after trans people are erased the bigots will come after the remainder of the gay and lesbian community. 

So Kendra, yes I deeply believe the "nonsense" about tRumpt. 

Ownership, Skeletons and Politics?

 

My daughter's favorite saying used to be something to the fact if you have skeleton's in the closet you better make them dance. Which could describe many politicians in Washington DC.

This post however is not another rant on my part about politics. If you follow me at all you know I am solidly behind the Biden-Harris ticket and believe tRumpt and his cohorts want to erase transgender people everywhere. As well as do away with our democracy. But, as I said, this post is not about politics, it's about my life. 

In my case, I spent most of my life trying to change the inevitable. I was transgender and should just relax and make the best of the situation I found myself in. By cross dressing my life away, the only positive I can come up with is all the practice I put into the art of feminine makeup and fashion. It wasn't until I left the mirror and started exploring the world, did I begin to own it. The whole process turned out to be a blur and actually happened faster than I dreamed it would. In other words, by interacting as a transgender woman in public, I was teaching the skeletons in my closet to dance. 

The dance moves became more and more intense when the public wanted to invade my little private world and know more about me. First of all, when I finally moved from the easy clothing stores in the malls I used to shop at and into food venues where I would stop to eat. Then I found myself needing to communicate with servers and bartenders one on one as I was scared to death. At first I tried to mimic the range and tones of the women I was speaking with until I found I could take advantage of feminine vocal lessons at my local Veterans' Administration hospital. Slowly, I gained enough confidence to get by in the world. I was coming to realize I could not change who I truly was, so I better learn to know her better. When I did, I enjoyed the person she was, My feminine inner soul went way past just trying to look good in the mirror and do a better job with my makeup and fashion. I found I could just let her go and I could set back for a change, watch my skeletons dance and enjoy the show. For the first time in my life I did not have to feel guilty about the person I was becoming.

In addition to having less guilt, I was having the time of my life. For the first time, I was making new friends who had no connection at all with my old male self. My small core group of mainly lesbian women friends taught me more about owning who I was than they ever knew. I was validated as a transgender woman through them mainly because they saw me as me. The freedom was remarkable. 

Perhaps I could say I transitioned to my authentic self  not so much because of my friends but on the other hand, I started to own my life and live it with my friends. I was teaching my skeletons all new dances when I let them out of the closet. As always my old male self was resisting losing his grip and it took my wife Liz to send him away. When we first met, Liz barely knew what was left of my former self and she told me she never saw anything remotely male about me. That was it and from then on I went all out to own who I really was. 

See, I told you this was not going to be a political post, Now if you will excuse me, my skeletons are dancing for the public to see.  

Tenacity of the Transgender Tribe

From the Jessie Hart Archives. I am
in the middle of two friends.

It's no wonder so many women don't trust a transgender woman's desire to play in their sandbox. In my case, it took me years to understand what my second wife was trying to tell me about being accepted as a woman in any form. It took more than just appearing convincingly as a woman to come closer to being one. I was far away from paying my dues and for the most part, she was against me doing it. So, I needed to step out on my own to discover the world on my own. Thanks to all the years of practice in front of the mirror with my makeup and fashion, I had a fairly good basis to work from as far as my appearance was concerned. The only real problem I had was living through my faux fashion adolescence when I tried and failed to dress as a teen girl. Once I made it through that point, I was able to blend in with other women  my age and discovered I had an easier time in the world.

The more I explored, I found I needed more and more tenacity to reach my goal of learning what living the life of a transgender woman could or would be like. At this point the true struggle began. Just learning how to communicate with other women on their level turned out to be the main problem. I learned the hard way women communicate on more levels than verbal ones and often say things of a passive aggressive nature such as, you look good...for a man dressed as a woman. Or they were just trying to find out what you were doing in their world. On too many occasions as I was learning my way around the sandbox, I ended up suffering serious claw marks up my back. Another way to put it might be to equate the acceptance process with trying to jump on a moving merry-go-round and claim the prize without doing any of the work such as having periods. Rejection was not rare. 

It was on nights such as those, I went home in tears wondering if my whole transgender dream was worth it. On those occasions, something told me it was and my tenacity kicked in. Even with more explorations to do. I just had to continue until I got it right. Finally I did and I moved along to adding gender affirming hormones or HRT to my list of exploring ways to better femininize myself. Perhaps then and only then did other women see I was paying my dues to be admitted to their world. I had the tenacity. 

As I reach the age of seventy five, I think now, more than ever before in recent history the tenacity of the transgender tribe of women and men is being tested. Here in my native Ohio, the gender bigots in the state legislature are once again trying to push anti-transgender restroom bills in the statehouse. Hopefully, once again, more rational minds will rise up and reject the measure. If not, I wonder how the whole law will affect me using the restroom which matches my transgender status in the future. Needless to say, I am scared.  I mean how will such a law even be enforced if I am just trying to go to the bathroom. I don't want to even know. All I do know is I won't go back to using men's bath rooms after more than a decade using the women's room. 

Finally, what the bigots don't realize is, the trans tribe has been around forever and is not going away. We just need to move forward as a group to fight. Once the bigots see we are not going away, they will have to find someone else to harass and our tenacity will prevail. 

Fear of Gender

New Alzheimer's Pride Shirt

I have always thought those who protest too strenuously over the LGBTQ community as a whole or the transgender community in particular are very afraid of their own gender feelings or sexuality.

The whole reality of gender bigots coming out of their shells in public has happened because they have been emboldened by a certain former president and his party supporters. While, at the same time wealthy MAGA financers have made it possible for them to pursue their bigoted goals at the state political levels. My native state of Ohio is a prime example. A fundamentalist Baptist preacher has been leading the charge to erase all transgender care in the state. In response, the state legislature has already passed bills restricting any care for transgender youth under the age of eighteen. To make matters worse, they have plans to try again to expand the bill to all transgender women and men in the state in the future. So far they have failed and the ACLU has promised to take the state to court over it's bills. 

As I put my anger aside for a moment, I paused and wondered what skeletons the Baptist turned politician had against me. Similar to all of the other transgender people I know, we are just trying to lead a quiet life. The better we are at staying out of the public eye, the better. Plus, don't get me started on what I feel about churches who do more than dabble in partisan politics. 

I shouldn't be surprised with a Baptist preacher leading the anti-trans charge here in Ohio since my brother's in laws are all fundamentalist Baptists and he chose them over me when I came out to him. As much as it hurt, I got over it and we have not communicated in over a decade.

All ranting aside, I am a firm believer in the power of gender to transcend and take over any other paranoia a human may have. From birth we largely have our gender chosen for us. Like it or not, using me as an example, I was obviously born a boy or male but I grew up to be a transgender woman. Not completing the gender journey I was assigned would have led me to an early death. It is my opinion, the most oppressive of the gender bigots have a fear of their true selves. They protest too much as many are clutching their crosses while they are doing it. It is tragic when people hate so much. I don't expect the public to understand me  but I don't expect hate either.

I am lucky to live in a fairly liberal part of Ohio, far away from the area where the ultra anti transgender preacher lives. So my activism comes primarily from my writings, my out-reach attempts with groups such as the Alzheimer's Association and participating in Veterans LGBTQ groups. It is essential for me to let them know how urgent the anti-transgender situation is in Ohio. Sadly I can only do a very little to financially support candidates I knew will help our cause. 

I don't suppose I will ever understand why anyone who wants to harm a person in the LGBTQ community because if you are gay and or lesbian you can't think eventually the gender bigots won't come for your rights also. They are using the weaker transgender community as a starting point. Even if you are a cross dresser deep into your closet, you need to consider your gender future and vote accordingly. 

We all need you!

The Road Less Traveled

Image from
Jessica Radanavong on
UnSplash

 Every now and then, even though I follow several very popular LGBTQ and Transgender sites such as Stana's "Femulate", I wonder how many cross dressers or trans folks there are in the world.

Sometimes I think there not very many but then again more than I think. My thoughts began relatively early when I began to experience the public as a novice transgender woman. A prime example was when I first began to go to the Veterans Administration for my health care. Included in the care were the basics allowing me to begin gender affirming hormones. During my first visits, I could tell I was the main educator to the VA staff who had never seen a trans person before. I knew then, I was on the road less traveled with my gender issues. 

Over a short period of time, I found differences in how I was treated started to change. I became less of an educator and my providers were more likely to understand my needs. It is important to note how well over the years my VA health team has treated me. Plus, over the years, I have received several other comments from transgender veterans such as this one:

" It was interesting to read of your experience with the VA. Shortly after I retired I began receiving primary care through the nearest VA clinic. I was able to select a female physician and made my first clinic visit presenting as a woman. I had already indicated that I was transgender woman on some on-line forms, as to avoid any confusion. And, my first name on all legal documents is Kimberly, so that kinda sets expectation, I suppose.

Anyway, I weighed in and was roomed by the RN, a lovely young woman. She lead me through the perfunctory questions that had to be asked, and used my preferred (she) pronounce when she introduced me to the doctor. The doctor was similarly courteous. I was a bit surprised when she asked when I had GRS and how long I had been on HRT. (I have had neither and at my age consider these would offer little net benefit for me). We did talk a bit about my transition goals, which are pretty limited at this point.

I had two routine follow up visits with this physician at the VA clinic. During these visits I was always treated with not just courtesy but genuine kindness and friendliness. I had very enjoyable conversations with the staff. Perhaps it helped that I was coming from a health care admin background."

Thanks so much for the input Kimberly! I know various other VA centers vary in their care standards especially when it comes to LGBTQ vets and primarily transgender veterans. If you have a different story, feel free to comment. 

It is said, any public relations is good even though it is not well meaning. During this time in our transgender history when so many negative laws are being proposed and passed in states such as my native Ohio, when the public sees me now, I know increasingly I am on the road more traveled. Sadly, gender bigots in the world are emboldened by their ignorance and somehow are encouraged to voice their unwanted opinions of me. 

My days of existing under the radar in a larger world has gone by the wayside. It seems every night on the news I see information on ill advised politicians  coming after me and my transgender friends. Even though I am so fortunate to be surrounded by a strong group of trans allies, I still suffer from the paranoia I feel when my road into the world becomes more traveled. 

Loose Ends

 

Image from the Jessie Hart
Archives

With this post, I have several loose ends to tie up and move on from...for awhile.

Perhaps the most important is my health. I finally received the information from my Veteran's Administration doctors from my recent colonoscopy. Fortunately, everything they removed turned out to be non-cancerous and I was cleared to not return for three years. A real improvement over the last time I went through the procedure only a year ago. I was paranoid I would have to do it again so soon, or worse they would find signs of cancer. As I always like to say, without my health I am nothing. 

Another loose end was a recent meet and greet I went to with a group of diverse friends I am part of. The morning started out with the knowledge my wife Liz, who wasn't feeling good would not be going with me to the brunch which was going to be held at a close by upscale brew pub. Liz and I are normally inseparable, so I knew I would miss her. For the occasion, I wore my new boots, favorite cream colored sweater and dark leggings, Light makeup and what passed for a quick brushing of my hair and I actually felt pretty good about myself. What could go wrong? A heavy cold rain which ruined my hair on the way in because I forgot an umbrella was the first thing which went wrong. Of course I survived a little rain, didn't melt and headed in to the crowded venue  As it turned out my group was clear across the room and I received little or no extra attention as I made my way back to them. So again, I was feeling good about myself. 

All was good until the server came back to take our orders. Out of the clear blue sky (which was cloudy) when it was my turn to order she turned to me and said, can I help you "Sir". The one little word, completely ruined my mood as I told her I wasn't a "Sir." She apologized twice but the damage was already done and it took me awhile to restore my confidence as a transgender woman. The damage went so far to me that I felt sorry for my friend who was sitting next to me and heard what the server said and I think felt my shock. Other than the shaky beginnings, the rest of the meet and greet went well and I headed off to do other errands and be home so I could watch the football playoffs. 

Another loose end I have been waiting to hear about is the outreach idea I had from the Alzheimer's Association diversity group I am a part of. They were/are trying to set me up to do an interview for a statewide Ohio publication called the "Buckeye Flame." Recently I talked virtually to one of the women who was responsible for setting up the interview and she told me she would talk to the person who would be doing it for a time. Since it has been a very difficult time in Ohio for all transgender women and trans men, due to all the anti transgender laws being passed in the legislature, I am sure the publication has bigger fish to fry than talking to me. One way or another, I am sure I will find out more at a upcoming diversity council meeting I will be attending virtually soon. 

For now, that is all the loose ends of my life which need to be tied up. Hopefully, there will be more outreach coming up soon to write about. 

Pockets of Insecurity

Girls Night Out, I am Bottom Left
Image from the Jessie Hart Archives.

 Where I live in suburban Cincinnati, it has been rare in the past decade when I have ever been harassed for being transgender. In fact, I think the only time it happened was when I first moved down here approximately ten years ago.

However, if I travel a few more miles east into a neighboring county, I always find myself in a decidedly redneck or MAGA areas. One of the most memorable occasions took place two times when the Wiccan group I was part of had garage sales in a small village in the middle of the area I am referring to. Here we were on a Sunday morning and afternoon set up just outside of a big box store selling crafts and baked goods to interested people. Yes I was scared!

I thought, how the heck did a transgender Wiccan trans woman end up in an heavily redneck area on a Sunday? One in a million I thought. Then I was wrong, there was another trans woman trying her best to come out in a hostile world who owned a house not far from where I was. We have kept track of each other over the years through social media and recently has said she has had more than her share of problems from her world. She has been subjected to everything from old ladies shaking their fingers at her at the grocery store, all the way to men yelling derogatory things from their cars. Gender bigots everywhere it seems for my poor friend. 

The frustrating part is she presents well except for the usual problems with her height and voice. Naturally, she has expressed her frustration with living in the entire Cincinnati area. Several others, including me, mentioned it wasn't the entire metro area, just where she lived. 

Sadly, in many ways, my friend is stuck in a small way in the same problems all transgender women and trans men have living in Ohio. Even though, the metropolitan areas of the state are inviting, diverse and liberal. the redneck Republican politicians are now trying their best to erase all of the gains and rights trans Ohioan's have gained over the years. Now including even the rights to gaining healthcare for gender affirming hormones and beyond. In doing so, the state is threatening to come after the very clinics which work with the trans population. If it happens, it will be scary to see if the states' intrusion into my life will reach all the way to my Veteran's Administration health care. Which, for me has been overwhelming positive when it came to my gender affirming care.

The moral to the story is, no matter where you are or how far along you are in your transition, you better be aware of what your future could hold. Even though you are deep in your closet, you need to vote accordingly for your future. 

As far as my friend goes, I hope she finds away around all the gender bigots and discovers a way to live an authentic life. 

Scaring the Public

Image from Raphael Renter
on UnSplash 

Often when we transgender folk encounter the public, sometimes we scare them. 

Sadly, we have been demonized by all the politicians in the country with all their ignorant bills in state legislatures. Seeing as how the majority of the public hasn't had the chance to ever meet a trans person up close and personal, they have nothing to work with. I ran into it the other day when I was at the Veteran's Administration Hospital in Cincinnati. I was waiting for my wife Liz to park the car, I was leaning against the wall and most of the people just ignored me, except one. I guess these days, I pass easily as being old because she was insisting on finding me a wheelchair. As I talked her out of it, I saw the smallest pause in her demeanor and I thought, here it comes. She noticed I was transgender and there was something wrong with the picture I was presenting. My excuse was I was wearing no makeup at all because after all I was headed for a colonoscopy. Somehow, I didn't care how I would look for the procedure since they would be up close and personal with me anyhow and would know my gender truth. 

It is sad we scare the public so much seeing as how we are just trying to live as normal life as possible as the next so called hetero-gender straight persons. Another reason we scare the public so much I think  is because we have had the opportunities to see and learn what goes on behind the curtains of the opposite genders. The entire process gives us an unique perspective on society as a whole. When I was seriously involved in my gender transition, I had women friends several times ask me what their men were really thinking when they couldn't understand them. Since I had been on both sides of the gender border when I was suddenly shut out of conversations between men and I. So I had an idea of what the women were going through.

Fortunately I didn't have to explain to very many men why I would want to give up all the hard earned male privileges I had worked for. Most of all my close male friends had passed away by then and the remaining close women friends I had who first were surprised by my decision to transition into their world and then supported me. Their support of course meant the world to me and more than made up for the loss of contact with my only sibling, a younger brother and his right wing in laws who refused to support me. Since we transgender folks have been so demonized by the politicians, I hate to think what the relatives would think of me now. So I put them out of my mind. 

Hopefully, the younger generation will be able to erase all the potential damage to future generations of trans youth. What the politicians don't understand is we have been around forever and cannot be erased by laws. We may have to temporarily go slightly underground in some areas of the country but we will always continue to exist. 

As pockets of diversity continue to exist, transgender allies will continue to exist too. Perhaps by then, the average public will not be scared of us. All we want is acceptance and equal rights. 

Eating our Young

 

Image from the Jessie Hart
Archives...

Recently I read a lengthy comment on social media from a current board member of the transgender-crossdresser local group I am part of. 

In essence, the post was about so called meddling with the current board of directors from "retired" board members. In many ways the whole meddling process is a continuing system which tears apart the transgender community. A primary example is the "I'm more trans than you" sad logic which too many people try to subscribe to. Sometimes the idea is born when someone has more gender surgeries than another transgender person. Over the years, I encountered push back questioning my transness simply because I hadn't undergone any gender surgeries at all. They looked at my choice as some sort of a gender negative. In response, my friend (also a transwoman) and I used to refer to the naysayers as "Trans-Nazi's". 

Backtracking just a bit, the local group I have been a part of for years seemingly goes through a push to tear it apart every so often by well meaning people. My prime example came  years ago when a far-right leaning transgender woman was pushing her views into the group, which initially kept me away. Predictably, during the pandemic she refused to be vaccinated and died from Covid. 

Since it is a volunteer organization, it is difficult to find people to step up at all. Especially if there is any friction at all. In many ways, I think the problem stems from a deeper problem which comes from lingering systems of having a male ego. Some are jealous of other transwomen who may be more attractive or have other problems with their personality. Since all of the sudden, people with such diverse backgrounds are brought together under often a vague umbrella called transgender. The expectations are often unreasonable. 

The problem is the whole scenario effects the solidarity we all LGBTQ+ individuals need to combat the surge of anti-transgender bills around the country. I am still amazed when I encounter the occasional transgender person (or mostly cross dressers) who still support the political party which is not the Democratic one or a candidate which supports doing away with our existence all together. I can't fathom their thought pattern.

At this stage in my life, I rely on my writing to do my outreach. Through my contacts with the Alzheimer's association, I am being contacted by another group for an interview of some sort. I look forward to being able to spread the word of diversity. 

In the meantime, I hope the local trans-crossdresser group can heal their spat and move on for the betterment of us all.  

Ohio Proud

Image from Cyrus Crossan
on UnSplash

 It was another big night here in Ohio with the midterm elections taking place. 

Along with several other states in the country, Democrats won big in a state unfairly criticized for being entirely conservative. If you are from Ohio, you know the differing areas of the state which has been excessively gerrymandered. Meaning districts in the state which have been set up to protect Republicans who run year after year. The results are worthless politicians such as "Gym" Jordon who recently tried an ill fated attempt at running for the Speaker of the House of U.S. Representatives who is from Ohio. Jordan has managed to be in congress for approximately sixteen years. Recently, the many big metro parts of the state have been successfully organized to fight back people like Jordan. 

What this means for all of you who are out as transgender women and trans men is, if supposedly backwards Ohio is an example, there is a light at the end of the tunnel for us which isn't the train. It bears mentioning also that anti abortion proponents tried to tie in gender realignment surgeries into their advertisements to vote the abortion issue down, to no avail. 

I have always urged all individuals with gender issues, including cross dressers deeply hidden away to consider their political future and vote appropriately.  After all, you never know what the future holds and you may have a chance to escape your gender closet in the future, into a more forgiving world. Especially when you consider how different the younger generation is when it comes to gender. As far as personal preferences go, my transgender grandchild in their early twenties, in my mind, has had it much easier than I did years ago. Plus when you vote, don't forget to remember your local school boards. Even our local school board had two candidates which had support from the alt right "Mom's for Liberty" lost handily when they were exposed to having no kids in the district as well as other facts. 

Sorry to have made this post so political but when a certain political party is trying to erase us now and in the future, it is time for the transgender community to put it's petty differences behind us and unite.

It is also time for the TERF's and other transphobic women to realize trans women are women too and can help in their political causes.

Now is the time before the next BIG election when our democracy will be on trial.

Affirmation

 

Photo from the Jessie Hart
Archives

Affirmations of my gender on occasion comes from predictable sources.

It was voting day recently here in Ohio and I had the chance to be reaffirmed as my feminine self again. It all started years ago when it was time to vote shortly after I changed almost all of my legal gender markers. I vividly remember the pride I felt when the voter administration person asked for my identification card. Which in my case was my brand new driver's license complete with a new picture and the all important "F" under where it asked for my gender. 

Essentially, I knocked out two birds with one stone when I voted for the first time that year which seems like years ago now. I had always felt the need to vote all of the time because possibly my parents always did and seemingly there was always an issue on the ballot I was passionate about. Even on occasion, every once in a while a politician I was for or against would come along too. Little did I know back in those days I would be voting someday as my authentic feminine self. 

Now when I vote, not only I am doing my patriotic duty, I am doing it as a woman. In the past on occasion I think I raised more than a few gender suspicions with the occasional man who was taking my information but today I had a woman who was closer to my age and didn't seem to care at all she was talking to a transgender woman. 

Today was an important election on several fronts here in Ohio which made it more of a necessity to get out the vote. Two statewide issues were on the ballot which might just signal a new dawn of non conservative politics in a state which has become considered as a backwards one in many cases. The issues are considering abortion and marijuana, so it will be interesting to see how they turn out. Plus we had a chance to vote against a right wing school board candidate backed by out of town interests such as the "Moms for Liberty." 

I guess most importantly, no one paid me any extra attention today when I was out in the public's eye. I am starting more and more to get out again and begin moving around outside of my secure gender shell at home. I need the extra challenge to push myself along, Plus, as we approach Thanksgiving, I will have an appointment for my Covid booster shot coming up as well as another diversity council meeting for the Greater Cincinnati Alzheimer's Association. So as the holidays approach, there may be more and more chances to get out and socialize. 

No matter how I look at it, affirmation is good and helps keep my gender dysphoria to a minimum. A problem I can never seem to be rid of. Voting helps me to remember a time I wasn't so fortunate and I had to vote as my old male self. Not to mention the early fears I had of trying out my new feminine identification and voting as a brand new person. It still proves to be a wonderful memory. 

Forces of Nature

Image from the Jessie Hart
Archives

 As we go through life as transgender women or trans men, we just have to develop a hard shell of sorts to get us by.

Sadly, we often have to resort to hiding and sneaking around our family's back to at the least keep our gender dysphoria issues at bay. At least in my case, even though I wasn't proud of it, I spent hours or even days trying to figure out how I could do my cross dressing. Even to the point I wish I could get back just a portion of the creative energy I expended on dressing like a girl. Obviously, it is way too late now to worry over expended energy as the entire process made me stronger.

Little did I know, I would need all of the strength I could summon to make it through my upcoming long and twisted gender journey. Along the way, I needed to survive all the unkind external forces I would end up facing. Before I grasped the importance of learning how to cross dress my male body to blend into the world. Possibly the biggest lesson I needed to learn was cis-women ran the world I wanted to be a part of. Without the women's help and approval, there would be no way I would be allowed to play in their sandbox, as I like to refer to it as. 

To be a force of nature, I needed to learn to be a gentle force. In other words I needed to play off my gender differences. I could never try to claim my womanhood the same way my friends did but I could claim my right to admittance to being a woman because I had always felt deep down I had always felt feminine. All the way to the point I had always been a student of everything feminine. I paid my own dues in so many ways to finally pave my path to my trans womanhood. One of the most amazing parts of my journey came when I was chosen to be a part of a photo shoot here in Cincinnati which featured all sorts of different kinds of women. 

Being a force of nature is often a burden also. On occasion I think people expect too much from transgender women or trans men. For the same reason we are feared in some circles these days, other people want to hate on us as a community. Mainly because they don't understand our lifestyle. It is especially evident to me when it comes to certain politicians I have recently seen. Primarily when my "gay-dar" immediately went off when I saw the new Speaker of the House who has repeatedly issued homophobic comments. 

All in all, it takes every bit of knowledge we trans people have acquired to make it in a world hostile to us. In a climate where certain political parties and religions are trying to erase us, the fact remains we have always been here and always will. 

Rest assured, we are true transgender forces of nature. Trained to do our best to survive as a tribe and never go back. 

Pre-Political Meetup

Image from the 
Jessie Hart Archives...

 Long ago, following a few of my Halloween adventures when I did my best to stay away from looking trashy on Halloween. I was determined to do my best this night to be mistaken for a cis-woman. 

I decided to attend a party I was invited to as a professional business woman. The get-together was being held at a restored Victorian mansion which was owned by a casual friend I knew. A wide range of people were invited. I worked at a radio station in town at the time and since my first wife never really was into Halloween, I was left on my own to find someone else to accompany me. It turned out one of the news reporter women at the radio station had an invitation also, so we agreed to go together.

In no time at all, it was time to put together my "costume." I started with shaving my legs and putting on a brand new pair of panty hose. From there, it was very easy to choose an outfit from my growing feminine wardrobe. The years have clouded my memory so I do not exactly remember what I wore except it included heels and my red wig which I loved so much. Of course when my "date" saw me she was amazed and amused I would go to such lengths to be noticed on Halloween. Plus she was more than impressed when I was able to do such a good job walking in heels "for the first time." 

When we arrived, the hosts had done a wonderful job of decorating their old mansion. Even including a vintage glass topped coffin with a real skeleton. Most importantly, I was able to relax and enjoy being out of my gender closet for the first time in a year in public. I was truly a novice transgender woman just exploring the possibility for the first time if I could be accepted in the feminine world. 

As the night progressed, guests came and went and the alcohol flowed. Also I was receiving plenty of positive feedback on my "costume." I had made the correct choice to dress as a professional woman for the party. Most of the other guests assumed I was just arriving late from work and didn.t have a chance to dress up. Which was exactly my goal. 

The most flattering happening came when this couple approached me and said how impressed they were with my "look." They were totally fooled into thinking I was a woman. Through it all, I recognized the man and his wife as a newly elected politician on his way to Washington, DC. Plus they wanted me to tag along with them to another party they were going to,. Since I didn't know where they were going and was with someone else, I had to politely decline the invitation. Leaving me to forever wonder what would have happened if I had decided to go along with them. 

Who knows? Perhaps my political career was ended before it even had a chance to begin. At any rate, the evening turned out to be a blast and my "date" never mentioned how I looked again. It wasn't too long when she landed another news job and moved away anyhow. 

As far as the politician goes, he turned out to be re-elected several times to congress. I lost track of him also when his political career was over. I stayed friends with the owners of the mansion over the years until I moved away and they divorced. Maybe deep down inside I was disappointed no one brought up how I looked on Halloween that night so long ago. I was probably desperately trying to out myself and no one cared. Or I was so good at hiding my feminine side with my intense male self, no one could see my true self. 

It wasn't to be until years later, my feminine self finally took control and Halloween "costumes" became a thing of the past for me.

"Trans-Dar" Activated

 

Image from Nikki Smith

Yesterday I happened upon two television shows with  LGBTQ friendly hosts. 

During both shows, I was actually late in tuning in and missed the very beginning of the segments. During the first show, my "Trans-dar" didn't really go off at all until the questions started. Of course, once I realized the woman was transgender I began to pay closer attention to what was going on. It turned out the trans woman's sister invited her to be in her wedding. I immediately thought what was the problem? It turns out the trans woman was forced to walk down the aisle by herself because no one in the best man's party would commit to even holding her hand for the walk. Of course, I felt her situation deeply having experienced something similar to that myself.

Years ago, when I began to become close to a small group of people in a venue I became a regular in, I was invited to join in a bachelorette party. To make a long story short, my invitation was revoked for a reason I was never told. Life went on and I was disappointed but I got over it. Maybe one of more of the other invitees objected to me being invited at all. I moved on forever wondering what went wrong.  Joining in with a bachelorette women's party at the time would have done wonders for my overall confidence with my presentation as well as my confidence in my new life.

Since I rarely see any shows on television which cover transgender  women or men at all, I was surprised on the same day, to see yet another program featuring another trans person. This time my "Trans-dar" did go off and I was able to research who I was watching and came up with "Nikki Smith". During the interview, she was able to provide feedback (in a short period of time) on the issues we face as transgender women. Especially in Utah where she grew up and the problem of finding her way in a field such as rock climbing. Both her and the interviewer did an incredible job of providing an insight on our lives.

Even still, both shows plus what I heard on one of the cable news networks I am a fan of, left me deeply troubled on the future of LGBTQ people in an overall sense and trans people in particular will have to face in the future. Texas (of course) was featured in a show I was watching when they pointed out how far right wing companies such as "Patriot Mobile" in Texas are funneling thousands of dollars into winning local school board races. Which in turn force schools into anti-gender and racial systems  of education and book banning. Closer to home, the school board where I live just painted out a diversity mural the middle school students had painted. Amid many protests the board ignored.

Hopefully the whole process back fires on the gender and racial bigots and the younger generation continues on their path to providing a more equitable future for all. 

Transgender Qualified

Image from Andrea Buccelli 
on UnSplash...

 How does one finally get to the point where they can move around in society as their authentic selves. Obviously it takes a lot of work before you can graduate.

In addition to becoming proficient in the feminine arts such as makeup and wardrobe, we trans women or men have to play gender catch up because we did not have the chance to experience growing up as a girl or a boy. There was no one to interact with on life issues such as how we look or how we deal with the opposite sex. Not to mention how our parents treated us. I am sure my Mom would have put so much more pressure on me if she had a generic daughter rather than a transgender child she never had the chance to accept. 

I only tried to come out to Mom once when I was in my early twenties and out of the Army and was roundly rejected. So I never tried again. To be fair, her generational bias was strong and information on gender issues was difficult to come by. Mom was firmly entrenched as a "greatest generation" person with an upbringing during the great depression and WWII. I am fond of saying they were long on providing and short on emotional support. Very certainly, dealing with gender issues was an emotional subject and I never received any.

As far as being qualified to feel as if I was transgender, I needed to transition again in my life. As I always say I considered myself a very serious cross dresser or transvestite but became very intrigued about the idea of being trans when the word began to be used. I started to seriously begin to watch the people around me who identified as transsexual to see if I fit in and more importantly follow the same path. During my search I was very shallow in my approach. The individuals I was beginning to interact with were very attractive and I was intensely insecure about my feminine appearance. In those days, I only thought appearance qualified me to be transgender or however I identified. Little did I know, there was so much more.

It turned out my destiny did not lead me to any extreme gender realignment surgeries. I finally became secure in the knowledge gender was between the ears and sex was between the legs. Plus with the help of an entirely new set of cis-women friends, I was able to come out of my gender shell and flourish as my new transgender self.

I think any "qualification" to be trans is a totally mental process which involves complete confidence in yourself. The process can take many years or then again, less time, depending upon the individual. I am always very pleased to meet a younger LGBT or transgender person who has set out to make a life for themselves. They won't have to wait through a lifetime of struggle to live as their authentic selves. Plus the younger ones seem to be more politically active which is something we all desperately need. 

Sadly, as I always bring up, the fight to maintain our authentic gender selves continues right up to our death. Recently I had a reader mention they needed to put in their will how they wanted to be referred to at death. Hopefully, it will be enough to stop the gender bigots in the family from taking away hard fought gender rights when it matters most.