I Am I Said

 

Archive Image, JJ Hart

One of my favorite Neil Diamond's songs is "I Am I Said". I particularly was drawn to the line saying I was lost between two shores. Neil was referring to New York and Los Angeles and I adapted it for me to signify being lost somewhere between being male and female.

The song's lyrics go on to say "I am, I said to no one there " I again felt the same way because I had no one to discuss my gender issues with other than the occasional therapist who went quickly through my life with little or no benefits until I reached a point much later in my life. In addition, the pressure to conform to the successful male life I was leading was intense. One of the few positives of my job was I was named a managerial training manager so I was able to take medium ranged business trips from my home in Ohio (yes I am from the much maligned Springfield) and travel by car to Lexington, Kentucky. Usually, I was asked once every six months to make the trip which I quickly saw as an opportunity to pack a few of my feminine items and cross dress. 

I usually worked it out with my second wife I was taking a second night at the company headquarters so I would not have to drive back at night. When I did, I was able to either cross dress and head out to one of the Lexington gay bars. It turned out, there were several back in those days, since the University of Kentucky is there. When I went out, at the least I didn't have to tell the chair or mirror I was actually someone feminine. On one occasion, I hit the jackpot and my training seminar just happened to coincide with Halloween. I thought ahead and when I packed away from my wife's prying eyes, I added a few slutty outfits to put together a Halloween "costume." The difference this Halloween was I was going to try my luck at going to a big straight club and not a gay venue. After a few wrong turns, I found the place and gathered my courage to go inside. Here I was dressed in an all black mini-dress with black heels, hose and blond wig doing my best to ignore all the guys pinching my behind as I walked across the dance floor, Since I needed to be up and fresh early the following morning, I needed to be back early to go to bed.

All along, I was learning what I was and was finding out the hard way what could happen if I dressed the wrong way. One night, I decided to stop at the halfway point on the way home which was Cincinnati. I got a hotel room and proceeded to seek out one of the more infamous gay bars in town for hookups, I thought since my black outfit worked so well before, I would try it again. This time, a very drunk guy at the bar tried to pick me up...until his wife showed up. I was embarrassed and was trying my best to back pedal from the whole situation when he made things worse by telling her why did she not have legs like mine. By this time, I headed for the restroom to hide and when I came out they were gone. As was the black outfit.

Through it all, all the lying I was doing to my wife was wrecking my moral code and when I asked who I was, I did not know. Which made the Diamond song so important to me. 

Finally, I did climb out of the pit I was in and was able to learn who I was but sadly was never able to reconcile my transgender life with my wife before she passed away. All along she was urging me to find myself and by the time I did, it was too late. I was no longer stuck between two gender shores. I had found myself and she was feminine. 

Friday Night Lights

Coming up tonight Liz and I are going to a high school football game. The game will include two of my grand-kids playing in the marching band. The game just happens to feature the town's school I grew up in versus the grand-kids school.

Typically for Ohio, the weather is changing daily, going from a beautiful sunny day to a chilly, breezy and raining evening. Then the weather will flip flop back tomorrow in Columbus for the huge afternoon game between The Ohio State Buckeyes and Penn State.

As I was agonizing over what to wear tonight, I got to thinking about the chance to go at all. Sure, I have to plan an outfit around the cold and rain, but this in essence is what I signed up for when I started this transgender LGBT journey.

The whole day will be such a departure from my old "heels and hose" cross dressing days, I can't believe it sometimes. I also urge all of you thinking about going 24/7 to think about it too. Consider your most challenging trans feminine experience and go from there. Mine was going to a junk yard one day to pick up a part. I figured if I could make it there, I could make it anywhere.

Of course, key to me was having a support system to back me up. An example is tonight (as I wrote) Liz is going to tonight and we will be joining my ultra supportive daughter and son in law. Even my first wife will be there and she supports me too.

Then, there is always more to the trip than just the game, because we will probably stop for a bite to eat...the more interaction the better.

And by the way, I will be rooting for my hometown team, Springfield. :)

It's Brutal

It seems the war against the gender bigots will never end, even when it seems to be increasingly senseless. Currently, states like Kentucky, Florida and Texas are the latest to attempt to pass discrimatory restroom laws against transgender citizens.

The only one of those states I can speak to personally is neighboring Kentucky as well as my hometown of Springfield,Ohio.  I don't hang around my hometown much anymore, but can tell you for a fact, anti LGBT local discrimination laws have been defeated by white and black church coalitions-in concert with conservative GOP leadership which goes all the way to the state legislature in Columbus.

Now, Kentucky.  To a person who only knows the state from coal mining stories and a few reality shows, there is much more than meets the eye. Far away from the "hollers", snake worshipers and moonshiners are the cities across the river from Cincinnati, Louisville, Lexington and other places which realize LGBT diversity is a key to development (and legality)

Which brings me to Alabama and it's Gulf Coast tourist campaign. Every time I see one of the commercials, in the background I hear the relatively chilling declarations of Alabama judges  against same sex marriage. I was transported back to the early days of the civil rights struggle in Alabama and I wondered if it was only me who thought I could spend my money elsewhere? Easy answer, elsewhere.

I also think some of us are too quick to dismiss pockets of bigotry by saying it's Alabama or Utah or wherever by saying the "good old boys" eat their young there.  And I feel sorry for the hard working people in the Alabama tourism business who have never considered what the rest of the bigots cost them.

Then again, maybe they do. After all, my hometown continues to be mired in it's misconception that it's a "good" place to raise a family. Then watch when their kids get the hell out of "Dodge"as quickly as they can, to greener much more diverse pastures such as Columbus. Then again, how would all those small town, small minded preachers and politicians keep their money coming?