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JJ Hart doing Trans Outreach Work. |
Like many of you, I struggled for years to escape my dark, lonely gender closet.
As I beat my head against the closet walls, I stared
longingly into the mirror, dreaming of the day I would find an easy way out. As
I did, it became increasingly evident to me that there would be no such escape
from my dominating male self. He would make life miserable for years because of
my indecision. One day I wanted to be a
boy and the next I wanted to be a girl dictated how I lived.
After years of despair over my gender dysphoria, I began to
see a sliver of light in my closet when I briefly opened the door to look out. At
first, I was getting the door slammed back into my face when I went out in
public. Too many people were laughing at me to my face or worse yet, I could hear
their comments behind my back. I was sent home early many nights in tears,
wondering what I was doing wrong with my feminine presentation. Following intense
introspection, I discovered what was wrong. I was letting my old male self-make
my fashion decisions and dressing for men instead of women who were for the
most part controlling my destiny as a transgender woman. Without the support of
women, I would have never made it out of my closet at all.
Even as I learned my lessons on presentation, I still found
there would be no easy way out of my closet. I discovered the more walls I
scaled on my path to transgender womanhood; the more walls would appear to
challenge me. Mainly because I was out in the public eye so much more, and I
was challenged to find the proper wig to wear all the time as well as find
better fashion to augment my wardrobe. There was no way I wanted to wear the
same outfit day after day when people began to recognize me. To offset the
extra attention, I needed to increase my visits to area thrift stores to find
bargains I could afford, and more importantly, fit me. I was obsessed with
outdoing myself when it came to my feminine presentation.
It turned out, the public was noticing as I lost nearly fifty
pounds and started taking better care of my skin. If I behaved myself in the
world, and was friendly, I crossed the line into communicating with other
women. Of all the walls I needed to climb, communication skills were the
hardest to scale. The change was dramatic because I needed to change my
communication from direct male to indirect female as I learned women often talk
with their eyes. Thus, I needed to get better in looking another woman in her
eyes when I talked with her. Often doing it as a man was a threatening option,
while doing it as a woman was not optional. I needed to learn to do it. By
doing so, often I could see what they thought of me. Did they think of me as a
woman or sort of a man seeking admittance into their world.
Mostly what I received back was curiosity. What was I doing
in their world? And I think they understood my interest in being admitted to
the girl’s sandbox went far beyond just putting on a wig, dress and makeup. One
way or another, the process was extremely challenging and kept me guessing
every night about what I was going to experience because some nights I was
tired of climbing walls. I kept looking for the last one to climb, but found I
was not even close. Mainly because the gender club I was seeking to join was so
complex. On the other hand, the process of totally leaving my closet and male
privileges behind was still quite scary and I needed total confidence in what I
was doing before I made the final jump.
My introduction to HRT or gender affirming hormones gave me
the confidence I needed to keep going. Suddenly the hormones helped me to sync
up my external feminine self with my internal one. It was the final shove I
needed to get out of my closet and live a new life as a transfeminine person.
It turned out there was an easy way to escape if only I possessed the inner strength
to look for my truth. Once I did, my fragile mental health improved, and I set
my sights on enjoying my family more since a huge weight had been lifted off my
shoulders. In the end, it was all worth it, but it was never an easy trip to go
on, or I could find no easy way out.