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| Image from Brian Wangenheim on UnSplash. |
Time is a precious commodity and life is too short.
Days, weeks, months and years are especially precious for
many transgender women and transgender men. Mainly, if you waited until later
in life to break out of your gender box and transition. Which is what I did.
I could and did look at my cross-dressing years as
practicing for the big event of coming out as a transgender woman. While I
improved my overall skills in wardrobe and makeup basics, there always seemed
to be something I was missing. Actually, there were two main things I was
missing, not just one. The first one was the realization I had my idea of cross-dressing
backwards. I was never a man cross-dressing as a woman, I was a woman
cross-dressing as a man. The second major realization was I would have to go
through several transitions to meet my goal. An example was, I needed to
transition from being a cross dresser to being a transgender woman if I was
ever going to make it to where I wanted to go as a transfeminine person.
To accomplish my dream, I needed to take my second wife’s
advice and set out to learn what a real woman went through in life. There was
so much more than just being the “Pretty, pretty princess” as she called me. The
problem was, she was always my feminine gatekeeper when I tried to explore the
new and exciting world I was seeking. She did not want me to make it. She was a
strong person and made it tough on me to progress in any way on my gender path
but still I persisted.
Time went on and the years passed me by as I went to transgender-crossdresser
parties and mixers to see what I could learn. Even then, when I hit my forties,
I had a sense of desperation as time went on with me, and nothing major was
happening on my gender front. It was during this time of my life when I started
to escape my closet and explore the world. Mainly, I was carving out a totally
new life where people knew nothing of my old male self. I was free to be the
new me I wanted so bad.
After I went through the darkest period of my life when I
lost nearly everything and everybody who was near and dear to me, did my life
come full circle, and I began to notice the light at the end of the tunnel was
not the train. My guess is I had paid my dues, and destiny was opening its
doors to me. Among other things, it was about this time that the Veteran’s
Administration health care system approved providing gender affirming hormones
for veterans such as me. I jumped at the idea of taking advantage of less
expensive HRT medicines and free mental health care. Even though I had already
set up my hormonal medications through a civilian doctor.
By this time, it was becoming increasingly evident to me
which direction my life would have to take before it was too late. I was in the
middle to late fifties of my life and if I ever was going to ever have the
courage to jump off the gender cliff, I would have to do it. One thing I did
not want to do was continue to live the part-time gender existence I was
already living. Plus, I was rapidly nearing the point in my life when I could take
early retirement. Which would preclude me from having to go through any ugly transition
on the job scenarios. I worked in a very male dominated profession, so switching
genders on the go could have been quite challenging.
Finally, one night when I was out to be alone, I decided I
was enjoying myself so much, I needed to end my gender turmoil forever. I
decided to forsake all my male privileges I had fought to earn for decades and seek
out my dream life as a transgender woman. It was not a decision I took lightly
as I sent all my male clothes except my Army uniform to the thrift stores which
were so beneficial to me when I was first acquiring my transfeminine wardrobe and
fashion.
By this time, I was sixty and I figured I would never have a
better chance to transition again. I took advantage of all the feminine “practice”
I had done over the years. I was able to hit the gender ground running and
never looked back.
