Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts

Sunday, January 22, 2023

Dream on Or Transgender Dreams

Image from Randy Tarampi on
Unsplash

 I am fortunate, rarely do I suffer from not being able to sleep. Normally do I not benefit from my eight hours of slumber. Some nights it is even very entertaining. 

Early in life I remember vividly the mornings I would wake up from dreams in which I was a girl. I was immediately disappointed to learn  nothing had changed with my gender. I wasn't the girl of my dreams. Sadly for me my girl dreams were vastly outnumbered by my numerous boring male dreams. These days, following living forcibly as a male for sixty years, my nightly experiences are becoming more mixed according to gender. I guess the more I spend time as a transgender woman the more my subconscious mind is accepting it and is beginning to build a backlog of experiences of me in a feminine world. 

These days, I have made it to to a wonderful mix of gender dreams when I would have one dream as a man and the very next as a woman. Now interestingly I have reached the stage of being a cross dresser. Often I have to go through being exposed as a man in a dress and subjected to the normal rejection by the public. Perhaps I am just reliving the time in my life when I was coming out of my hidden feminine shell. Often to the stares and outright laughter at the hands of an ignorant public. 

Through it all, I am still dazzled by my subconscious which is able to switch my genders at will and put me in impossible situations in either. An example was the night, I started by dreaming of running a perfect shift during a very busy night at a restaurant I was running then going to a time when I was wearing a dress which was too short. To the point I was embarrassed and was trying to cover up my bare legs. 

I wonder if I live long enough, if my time as a transgender woman will overtake my time as a man. Which will be tough to do since to equal experiences out I would have to be one hundred twenty years old. Perhaps what will make up for the difference in years will be the intensity of the experiences I have been living through. Perhaps all the years of learning to find myself as a transgender woman will come back in my dreams. It will be interesting to find out. 

Using my very weak mathematical skills, I have calculated I spend approximately one third of my life sleeping. Since I do, I hope my dreams stay interesting. They remind of a rich life I have been able to live. One as part of the male gender I never wanted and the other as part of the female gender I always wanted to be included in. More examples of living as my authentic self will be welcome as reminders of my old unwanted male self fade away. Finally my transgender dreams will triumph as well as I have triumphed in my gender wars in real life.  

Friday, December 9, 2022

It Feels Like a Dream

Liz on my left
from the Jessie Hart Archives

Today is my therapy day which happens two times a month. I have been fortunate in that I have had the same Veteran's Administration psychologist since the beginning for nearly ten years now. She has been by my side through several difficult times such as providing me documents I needed for my legal name change. as well as HRT.

Looking back at the decade, the whole feminization process seems like a dream mainly because of the hormone replacement therapy my therapist helped me to be approved for. Overall the process has been positive for me. An example was this morning when it was one of the days I change my Estradiol patches for my HRT. It's the time I have a chance to reflect on all the changes I have gone through. Although my breast size and hair growth has evened out, it seems it is time now for my hips to develop. I can really feel the difference when I put my jeans or leggings on. Some days I feel just like a teenaged girl going through puberty. 

Most likely it is because of the time I spent acting as if I was a successful man. All of the time I spent cross dressing as a guy I was dreaming of what it would be like to live as a fulltime transgender woman. Now that I am here, I know I have made the right decision. Not only do I live a feminine life, I have found a loving spouse to share my new life with. How fortunate can a person be? There is no way I thought I would make it this far in life to begin with and be with someone else again for the rest of my life. I thought my quota of people who loved me, such as my ex wives would be over when my second wife passed away. I was prepared to live the rest of my life alone.

I found out too, my successful transgender dream was far from me achieving it alone. I was fortunate to have found such wonderful people to help me along the way. Of course I already mentioned my therapist and my wife Liz but there were so many others who made my dream a realty by accepting  me for who I was. A prime example was when I first moved in with Liz and started to go with her to her Wiccan meetings. I was accepted into the circle with no strings attached. The entire process gave me the confidence to move forward in my life. I thank Debra among others for the help. Plus I cannot forget women such as Kim and Nikki who taught me so much about the feminine world and made it possible to live my dream. 

Lessons learned included realizingly living a feminine life meant so much more than just doing my best to perfect a feminine presentation. All along I knew women lived a much more layered and challenging life than a man but now I had to try to live it by walking and talking many miles in their shoes. 

Dreams are fleeting and often are mixed in with nightmares if you are not careful. Slip ups and set backs are always a part of the process. When the process involves gender dysphoria and changes, the dream becomes that much more challenging. But then again so rewarding when your dreams come true.

Finally thanks to all of you who read my blogging. Your visits and interaction make the effort so worthwhile. 

 

Wednesday, October 5, 2022

Transgender Dreams

Dream Photo
Courtesy Jessie Hart
 
When I was much younger I used to look forward (then hate) the times I went to sleep and had vivid dreams of being a pretty girl .I awakened depressed when I learned it was just all just a dream. 

These days, curiously, my dreams have changed. Some times I am my feminine self and other times I revert back to my old male self. Neither one of which makes much of a difference to me when I wake up.

Maybe I should just call my dreams "gender fluid" using a more current term. Also maybe I am not being very realistic as far as my subconscious mind is concerned. After all I did live most of my life trying to survive in a male dominated world in a life I never wanted. Perhaps it will take time to establish a backlog of feminine or transgender existence to draw from when I dream. Usually I can experience both genders in one night. When I wake up, I just think Wow! How different was that. 

On rarer occasions, I seem to hit a middle road when I am back to wearing wigs and interacting more with cis women I didn't know. I even had a dream of the night I had to invade the women's room of one our favorite LGBTQ friendly bars we went to, Once I went in there were several evil looking women glaring at me. Once I finished with my business and washed my hands I needed to use the hand dryer. One of the women glared at me again and barely moved from in front of the dryer. Being the alpha bitch I was becoming, I simply reached around her and turned the dryer on and it really messed up her hair. I was amazed how the details of the experience came back to me in a dream.  

Perhaps, as the new life I have chosen to live continues to build experiences, it will be interesting to see if my dreams change more to a feminine side. Since my earlier life was more intense in many ways than my current one, I doubt if will happen. But it will be interesting to see if it does.


Saturday, April 30, 2022

Gender Dreaming

 Do you dream in gender?  In other words during your dreams are you just you or are you distinctly one of the binary genders.

As I have progressed through life into finally being able to live as my authentic self as a transgender woman, I believe my dreams have began to change. Early in life I remember the elusive (even cruel) dreams when I was the girl. When I woke up I was severely disappointed. This went on for years until I was able to find my way out of the closet and live in a feminine world. As my dreams began to transition in their own way, so did I.

Photo by Randy Tarampi on Unsplash


When I went out more and more I was nearly completely entranced with my appearance. I would spend hours shopping for what I hoped would be the perfect outfit. The amount of effort I was putting into transforming my external self must have been seeping into my subconscious being when I was asleep. My dreams went from just being a girl to being an attractive woman. Either way, I was waking up severely disappointed.   

As time went by, slowly my gender dreams started to change. 

Along the way I spent many hours wondering why I was living in a feminine world, living relatively successfully as my authentic self. I thought my dreams should be changing also when I had dreams which I knew specifically I was returned back to my hated male self in more than a few of my dreams. 

I am far from an expert when it comes to dreams and what they mean and I am aware I may be putting too much worth to the whole process. My partner Liz  is much more knowledgeable on the subject and says simply I have lived too many years in a male world. My subconscious mind just has not caught up yet. 

She may be correct because recently I have been dreaming in situations where I am the feminine person. Perhaps my gender dreaming is catching up with my everyday life. For whatever reason it is important to me. Small wins I guess for small minds. But then again the entire process is just another indication of how important the transgender life process is to us. 

Dreams can come true!

Saturday, January 8, 2022

Dreams

 I have been curious, as I add to the years I have lived as my authentic self , how long would/will it take for my dreams to switch over to being exclusively feminine in nature.  Right now nearly all of my dreams are from my male past.

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

I guess living nearly sixty years struggling to live in a male world completely imprinted my subconscious. As much as I dislike it, I seem to bypass the times I spent with my first wife (seven years) and current partner of ten years and go straight to my deceased wife of twenty five years. 

As much as I feel frustrated my dreams are still masculine in nature, obviously it seems there is nothing I can do to flip the switch and be feminine. Perhaps as time goes by and I compile more experiences as a transgender woman, all of this will change. 

I also know in the scope of life, dreams are less of a priority. Just getting by in the world is just more important. 

For example, today Liz and I have several errands to run including her getting a booster vaccine.  It would be a poor time to get harassed over living as my authentic gender. Since I will be wearing a mask, chances are slim. 

Speaking or writing about Liz, she is more of a believer in the power of dreams. So I asked her what she thought of my dreams. She said several things. The first suggestion was did I have specific dreams of being a guy or was I dreaming of being in a male environment. An example would be the time I spent in Army basic training. I rarely if ever dream of being back in basic, instead I dream of re-enlisting. Over and over again.

The second point she brought up was how early in life we become gender objects. In other words, the time our parents begin to make sure they pound us into gender stereotypes. Transgender women and men are unlucky enough to be round pegs pounded into square holes. This process can affect us for life. Including our dreams. 

Finally Liz said I could shape my dreams by training my mind before I went to sleep by thinking feminine thoughts. Of course, as she told me all of this, she couldn't help but tell me when I sleep with the television on (which I do) does me no good. She didn't think I had anything to worry about.

Now I can focus on the present, not the past.


Friday, November 1, 2019

Another Halloween

Another Halloween has came and gone...almost. I have seen a few places around here in Cincinnati which are having theme parties this weekend which are loosely Halloween based. After all, some people I know would want Halloween celebrated year around.

One of those is the "moderator" who I have mentioned extensively here in Cyrsti's Condo. She is the one who got bounced from the board (and all her activities as social director) of the established cross dresser-transgender support group I am a member of. I am rather proud of the fact I have taken the high road in the whole affair. In fact, at Monday's meeting, I was prodded to give my true feelings on the subject. But just shut up.

Since, to my knowledge, none of them read my blog, I can do it here.  I really only have a couple problems with the "moderator". I think she is and has been a little frenetic in the way she approached having "socials."  Her invitations began to take on the idea of when you went out, you were going to meet her. Leaving the "group" idea out. In other words, the socials became Stacey's and not Crossport (the group.) I think in her mind though, she was simply going out and inviting anyone else to join her.

On a bigger stage, I think her biggest problems came with her attitude concerning transgender safety as a whole.  Since she hadn't had much of a problem with going public with her transition, she figured society had changed and no one else should have a problem either. While times have changed, we all know they haven't changed that much. I think she was ignoring the people in the group going through heart wrenching times with spouses and family.

Finally, I think her total willingness to to throw caution to the wind and give out her personal phone number to anyone who wanted it was ill advised.

Going full circle back back to Halloween, Liz and I actually went to two themed events, so life was good. My costume was simple, I dressed as a witch. Complete with long flowing skirt and spider accessorized witches hat. My goal was simple, to be viewed as a woman dressed up in a simple costume.

Plus the actual Halloween evening was so nasty weather wise, there weren't even very many Trick or Treaters.

I do hope where ever you are, you accomplished all your Halloween dreams!