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Image from Brian Kyed on UnSplash. |
For me, living a life as a transgender woman was much different than my life as a cross dresser.
I mention it because of the comments I receive here
mentioning those of you who may be on different phases of your gender journey
and are on the gender balance beam. Such as regular reader “Michelle” who
commented: That “gender balance beam” you described? God, it brought me
back. The confusion, the hope, the guilt, the not-knowing—all of it. And the
way you talk about HRT, how your body just... knew? That hit me so hard. I’m
still early in my journey, but reading stories like yours gives me hope that it
can work out. Even if it’s messy and hard."
Thanks for the comment! Yes, somehow my
body knew I had just made the right choice when I started gender affirming
hormones under a doctor’s care. As far as the balance beam went, I have never
been coordinated enough to stay on any sort of object, but somehow, I was able
to stabilize myself several times and live a transfeminine reality.
Backtracking just a bit, this morning I
read a thoughtful post on Stanas' Femulate blog which went into how women
accept (or don’t) when their men come out to them as cross dressers. In my
case, I write excessively on how my second and third wives interacted when
confronted with my gender issues.
The entire interaction was a story of
contrasts between the two women who never had the chance to meet when my second
wife passed away. My second wife knew of my cross dressing before we were married,
and it was never an issue for her. Although she never let on, she never liked the
feminine version of me at all. The problem arose as it became increasingly evident,
I was much more than your average cross dresser, as I increasingly slid towards
my reality of being a transgender woman. The problems all of this gender turmoil
created were never her fault. They were mine because I refused to face the
reality of who I really was regardless of the costs. She was well within her rights to refuse me
any help as I moved towards my gender dream which would not include her, and I
understood that.
Now, on to my third wife Liz. I have been
with her for over a decade now. In many ways, she is the exact opposite of my
second deceased wife. Liz met me online in a woman seeking woman chat room and rescued
me from a very dark time in my life. I was falling off the balance beam. After
many months of chatting back and forth, we decided to meet up for our first
date with a couple of other women at a drag show.
At the time, I was still reluctant to finish
my male to female gender transition. I was living a minimum amount of time as a
man, and I had not started hormones yet. The reality of transitioning was still
sinking in. After a few months of being around Liz, she told me she had
never seen any male in me so what was I waiting for? All I needed to do was
make a doctor’s appointment and start HRT and within a very short period of
time move in with her in Cincinnati. So, I was able to make a clean start as a
transgender woman.
As you can tell, during my life I have
been blessed to be with several women who loved me and I learned from all three,
including my first wife who I saw just last week as she is the mother of my
only child. Even though she only knew me as a crossdresser, we still get along.
Any way you cut it, coming out to a woman
you are in a relationship with is one of the most difficult realities of being
a cross dresser or transgender woman. I think women who accept us are saints
for putting up with such a unique set of challenges. What hurt me the most was my
second wife agreeing to me becoming the best woman I could become then not liking
the feminine person I was becoming. In all fairness to her, I did go through
many changes in my reality when I transitioned and she passed away before
meeting the true me. I doubt if there was any way we could have stayed together
but maybe we could have been friends.
Maybe you can use the old marriage pun: Life
is a bitch until you marry one. And change it around to being transgender
is a bitch, until you become one. The truth of transgender reality?