Just Part of Being a Woman?

 

Image on Unsplash. 

Just part of being a woman meant several different things to me.

First, I needed to get there by being able to present well enough to being accepted by other women. Once I arrived, I was able to enjoy the benefits of living in my dream world as well as the drawbacks. The first night I had an idea I was arriving was when I began to be semi-friendly with a man I met at a venue, I was a regular in. He was part of a small, diverse group of people I mixed with often. Sadly, I followed the saga of his quickly failed marriage to another woman in the group. She was an exotic dancer with long black hair, and he was a big, bearded man who rode a Harley motorcycle. Not exactly a match made in heaven. But they went ahead with the ceremony anyway. It failed within a couple of weeks.

I really don’t know why, but from then on most of the group turned against him, except me. I felt sorry for him and could sense the hurt he felt, so we began to talk. Before long we became friendly enough to look for each other when we came in alone to socialize. I can’t speak for him, but I was in uncharted territory even talking to a man at all since I was basically scared to. Who was I to say no to this big good-looking guy who wanted to talk to me? You are right. I couldn’t. I was too shy to even ask him to see his Harley before he rode off to another job in another town and I never saw him again. How different my life could have been if I had pushed my luck as a transgender woman just a little farther.

That fleeting encounter left a deep impression on me, not because it blossomed into anything, but because it made me realize how much of life I had yet to explore. It was a bittersweet moment of clarity: I had spent so much time crafting a version of myself that fit into the world I longed to belong to, yet I was still afraid to fully embrace the opportunities before me.

In the days that followed, I thought a lot about courage to truly be brave, not just in appearance but in action. It wasn't about being bold for the sake of it, but about taking the step that felt impossible, the one that whispered promises of growth and self-discovery. And yet, even as I reflected, I knew that fear still gripped me, tethering me to the safety of the new family I was creating.

It was around this time that I began writing the blog, capturing what I could of the small victories and the quiet heartbreaks that defined my journey. The act of writing became my sanctuary, a place where I could be unapologetically honest with myself, where I could acknowledge my fears without judgment. The words became a mirror, reflecting not just who I was but who I could be if only I dared to push beyond the limits I had unconsciously set for myself. By doing so, I hoped I could help others.

Life has a way of surprising you, though. Just when you think you've missed your chance, it presents you with another, often in the most unexpected of forms. Sort of like the first night I found myself in the middle of four men discussing guy things which of course I knew quite a bit about. Not realizing exactly where or who I was, I attempted to add my comments to the group. The men paused for a moment, then went on with their conversation as if I was invisible. I learned my lesson, entering a male only domain was a big no-no and exposed my new feminine life of having a lesser IQ. 

On my very few encounters with men, I learned to let them lead the way in conversations. No matter how inane the subject matter was. A prime example was the night I always mention when my car broke down and I needed to call a tow truck. Also, to my chagrin, a well-meaning policeman showed up out of nowhere to help. Between the cop and the tow driver, they refused to even listen to the directions I tried to give to my house. Then everything became worse when I had to ride home with the driver. By the time I arrived home, I had nearly reduced myself to playing the dumb blond just to survive the trip.

Just part of being a woman just meant leaving my male self behind, which is what I was trying to do anyway. What I did not count on was how fast I would lose most all of my male privileges I took for granted when I transitioned. All cisgender women go through the same process when they grow up around boys. It just took me a little longer to get there. Or, as my lesbian friends said, welcome to their world.

Plus, there was the new magical world of gender affirming hormones to consider. The HRT certainly contributed to my internal part of life as a woman.

Riding the Gender Merry go Round

 

Image from Stanley Kustamen 
on UnSplash. 

Catching the gender merry go round when it was in mid-spin was never easy. As I always point out, I had no workbook on how to achieve my feminine desires that were available to me.

I often wondered what magical experiences were available to the girls around me but were off limits to me. What did the girls really learn about being feminine from each other? Was makeup one of them? I was jealous because I had none of the early basics of applying makeup. The closest I came when I was painting the model cars I had. I never was very good at skillfully painting cars, so I wondered how I would ever be good at painting myself. Enamored, I remember watching my mom apply her makeup as I looked for any small hints I could follow but I never seemed to learn.

Of course, there was much more to jumping on a spinning merry go round than just skillfully applying makeup. There were clothes to worry about too, and how could I afford them on the very limited budget I was on. I resorted to taking any small jobs I could as a kid to augment the meager allowance I received at home. In fact, my major source of income was a neighborhood newspaper route I took on. When I added all my funds up, I usually had enough money to buy my own makeup, panty hose and other rare items such as a pair of shoes I was lucky to find.

Once I was able to be confident in my ability to jump on the merry go round, then I needed to worry about hanging on. In the early days of my public explorations, I was having a very difficult time presenting well at all and I often was laughed at by others on the merry go round until I began to learn what I was doing wrong, and I could fill out my feminizing presentation workbook. It was a win for me when I could quit using crayons on my face and use them to color my workbook, I was less and less a clown in drag, and more and more an androgynous person for the public to judge my gender. For once, I could rightfully claim my seat along others on the merry go round because I had earned my spot as much as they did.

After a while, the spinning became too much for me and challenged my fragile mental health. The biggest problem I had was my refusal to face myself and my innermost truth. I was never a man cross dressing as a woman; I was a woman cross dressing as a man my entire life. The basic thought of who I really was consumed all my spare thinking. I am amazed now how much I still accomplished in my life as I suffered my mental duress. At times, it seemed my merry go round was spinning completely out of control. Plus, at the same time, I kept accumulating extra male lifetime baggage I did not really want. Sadly, the life I was living kept me from making very many close friends because I just thought I was knowing them under some sort of false pretense. I wasn’t the man they saw before them; I was a fake. Which I hated and added to my problems.

I finally came to the point where I needed to either slow down my merry go round or get off altogether. I just couldn't take it any longer. I certainly was not getting any prizes for putting myself through the anguish of staying on. I had given my ride the best shot I could, and I needed to grow in my transgender womanhood. I had tried my best to outrun and out drink my gender issues, and it was time to face the reality of who I was.

When my merry go round glided to a stop and I was able to look ahead to the new life I was about to enter. I was excited to see and live my feminine reality. I had filled out my workbook and paid my dues and was ready to go. The next time I was at an amusement park I could really enjoy the experience as a transgender woman. If anyone in the world did not like it or approve of me, I didn’t care. I had spent a major portion of my life thinking I was in the wrong. When in fact, the bigots were the ones in the wrong and they were the riders who needed to get off the merry go round first.

Gender Participation Trophies

 

Image from Vicktor Forgacs
on UnSplash

In the gender world, there are very few participation trophies available to anyone for simply showing up. But are there?

Early on, before I decided to allow the public to award me participation trophies, I let the mirror do it and they were always right. I was an attractive girl when I wanted to be and there was a trophy for me to hide away with my belongings, or at least for me to mentally hide away from prying eyes.

In the meantime, my male self was attempting to win as many trophies as he could because he was not very good at athletics or whatever else he was trying. As hard as he was trying, total success seemed to always evade him. What happened was, both my binary genders experienced deep frustration, and I felt less as a person.

It was not until much later that I began to be successful and win a few participation trophies, specifically as a transgender woman. Her success though just created more problems for me as he feared she would take over completely, and what would become of all his hard-earned male privileges. There was a life at stake and could not be taken lightly. No cheap shiny participation trophies to proudly place on the gender shelf of life.

After I had learned the basics of blending myself into the world as a woman, I needed to be careful of the trophies which were being presented to me. I learned the hard way; not all women were forthcoming in their friendship and acceptance in their world. Many days with other ciswomen in the world. I thought I had won a participation trophy, only to have it passive aggressively pulled away. Quickly, I learned to be more careful. Life just wasn’t as easy for me when I had left the male world I was used to, and all aggressiveness was a frontal blow you could prepare for or retreat from. As with everything else, my life as a transgender woman was going to be more difficult than I thought. There would be no more running home to the mirror to hide. If I wanted to obtain more gender trophies, I would need to journey farther and farther out of my gender closet to do it.

The first inkling I could came on the night when I was drinking with a group of single professional women at a nearby TGI Fridays venue. As the bar area quickly began to fill up with women, nobody said anything out of the way to me, and I felt as if I fit right in. As a woman. I had known in advance to dress professionally, which helped me to overcome the fear I felt. So, I fit right in. When I safely made it home that night before my second wife did and removed my makeup, I gave myself a participation trophy. Mainly because, I knew I had crossed a line I could never go back to. My cross-dressing desires were much more than just a simple, innocent past-time. I knew deep down I wanted more as I pursued my own transgender womanhood.

More meant going back to Fridays and establishing myself as a regular, as well as other nearby competing venues which were happy to serve me and take my money as a trans woman. For the most part, I was compiling more trophies than I could count as I did more than surviving in my new world, I thrived. I learned too how difficult I would have it, if I continued the gender path I was on. Now, each trophy was harder and harder to get because each time I received one, it seemed the stakes were higher and higher. I was risking my twenty-five-year marriage, my family, friends and job, and I deeply felt the pressure.

At some point, I knew I would have to decide to throw out all my old male trophies and move on, but I was afraid to do it. I compared it to looking down at a steep gender cliff and wondering what would happen when and if I fell. All the trophies in the world would not save me but only real-world friends would.

Fortunately, I had those friends who had found and accepted me and made my gender landing very soft. In essence, all those new friends were initially trophies I cherished completely. They turned into the real thing over time, and I was able to carve out a life. Then I could throw out all my female trophies for good and live a realistic, genuine life as a transgender woman. My trophies became as fake to me as most of the people I met along the way, and I was able to throw them all away.

 

 

It Never Got Old

 

Key West, Florida on Vacation. 

All the decades I spent of my life on the journey from male to female never became old and boring.

Even though I spent decades to arrive in my transgender womanhood, surprisingly, the trip never got old. Perhaps it was because I was so entrenched in my male existence and could not get out. Certainly, I knew I did not want to receive any participation trophies simply because I was semi successful as a man to place on my imaginary mantel in my mind. I learned quickly where my true learnings were with my gender and my search for truth never was not exciting. I can vividly remember all the times when I first went out shopping as my true self and thought I was accepted as a woman by the clerks I encountered. When, in fact, they were accepting me for my money first.

It did not matter to me at the time because I was scared to death and was just trying to find my way in a new world I had only every dreamed of. So, this was what it was like to shop as a woman? I loved it. I also loved it when I was able to present well enough to relax more and be brave enough to expand my horizons. I began to stop for lunch on my shopping trips so I would have more one on one time with the public at large. Instead of just going to a big bookstore just to browse, I started to stop for a cup of coffee and to use the rest room for the first time in my life as a transgender woman. Through it all, I was surviving and thriving and most importantly, my life suddenly never was old again.

From there, I started to go out at night and discovered a whole new world to be involved with. This was my much-publicized time when I gave up on male gay bars, and began to seek out more venues I could enjoy myself in. The bottom line was, if I was going to be discriminated for being trans in a gay bar, I could find somewhere else to spend my money. When I did find other venues, my life really began to be exciting and new, it never got old being accepted in a new venue which normally featured big cold beers along with big colorful television screens to watch sports on.

From that point forward, life really began to speed up on me. It seemed every night, something new was happening and I was learning the nuances of being able to cross the gender border. I believe I was not convincing anyone I was a cisgender woman but on the other hand, I was a woman with a different background. The distinction became an important one for me to have to succeed in the direction I wanted to go. The direction of course, was the path I was on to leave my closet permanently and join the world as my true self who should have been in control the entire time. Even though the path had plenty of dead ends and sharp curves, following it never got old.

Since my path never got old, I knew I was on the right one for the first time in my life. The new freedom I felt propelled me when I was doubting which direction I should take in my life. The vibe I felt was real and I decided to risk all the materialistic items I had as a male would be risked and could possibly go away. Which meant everything, including spouses, friends, and employment had to change. Naturally, I spent hours, days and even weeks agonizing on what I was going to do.

The fact which kept coming back to me was, I had gone to far down the femininized path I was on to ever go back to the male life I had known. I even realized, I was much more than a cross dresser or a man who liked to look like a woman when he could. Or I was sliding down a very slippery dangerous gender slope towards a very steep cliff and I had no idea of how I would land.

It turned out I had nothing to worry about. With the help of several women friends, I had made along with gender affirming hormones, my landing was surprisingly soft. Even after I did, I still could not relax. Being comfortable with myself as a transgender woman proved not to be an option. The whole process never became old, and I could not live without it.

 

 

Seismic Gender Shits...from Gay Bars to Sports Bars

 

My Trans Friend Racquel and Friend.

In many ways, this is only a continuation of yesterday’s post about seismic gender shifts. This time though, I am going to focus on my foray into leaving gay bars behind and beginning to go to several of the major sports bars in the area where I live.

As I see it now, going to lesbian bars was more of a learning experience but being accepted in sports bars was a dream come true. As far as the sports bars were concerned, I can break them down into two types. The smaller more diverse ones such as TGIF Fridays (which catered to single women) and the larger ones which catered to more of a beer drinking, wing consuming male crowd. I knew quite a bit about both from my male days being out and about with my drinking buddies. Not to mention, I had managed a major competitor to Fridays in the area. I only knew the number of times I was jealous of women who took advantage of going to both venues.

It was not until I seriously began to consider going to a sports venue where I enjoyed the cold beer and sports on the big screen televisions, did I begin to look around and see many other cisgender women mixed in with the rest of the patrons. I began to think, if they could do it, why could not I?

Before I even considered my adventure, I needed to insure my femininized presentation was up to the challenge of being in an atmosphere where I would be one of the very few transgender women (or cross dressers) in the venue. All in all, the process took every bit of courage I could summon and still was very scary. Even though I was scared, I pushed forward to see if I could achieve my dream. From my business experience, I knew if I could make it to the bar without being noticed, most of my risk would be averted. Bartenders are greedy creatures and are primarily focused on service and tips which would not be a problem for me.

My biggest problem was acting as if I was not a single woman in the bar area. One of my tricks was to always use my cell phone as a prop to act like I was expecting company. For the most part I think it worked until I began to meet another transgender woman for drinks and there was strength in numbers. I was fortunate too; in that I was slightly ahead of the curve of cisgender women enjoying sports as much as men. When my lesbian friends and I were together enjoying the games, no one cared, and we fit in.

Through it all, there were only a few occasions when I was called out and embarrassed. One of which occurred when I was in a red neck leaning sports bar and had the local police called on me for using the women’s room. After a brief discussion with a female cop, I was sent on my way to a venue up the road where I knew I had rest room privileges.

Probably the most glaring and potentially problematic time I had was one night at a smaller sports bar I had gone to often with no problems. That night, my transgender friend Racquel and I were sitting at the bar minding our own business when suddenly, “Dude Looks Like a Lady” by Arrowsmith comes on the juke box. Not once, not twice but four times in a row, and to make matters worse, the new manager came up to us and said it was time to go. So, we did and went up the street to a bigger venue where we knew we would be welcome. Never to come back, or so we thought.

Several weeks later, one of the bartenders from the venue we were kicked out of found me and apologized. She went on to say, the manager who had banned me had been fired for drug abuse and I was invited back. I happily went back and never had another problem except a bathroom experience which I will save for another blog post.

More than likely, all the success I had in establishing myself in sports bar venues had to do with knowing the people on the other side of the bar were there for the money as much as the store clothing clerks I used to see in my old shopping days in malls when all they cared about was my attitude and the color of my money. On the other hand, the people in the gay bars treated me much worse and often I had to wait for service altogether.

At the end of the day (or several) my transition into the big sports bars was much easier than I ever thought it would be.

Not Ready for Public Consumption

Porsche Boxster.

 As I made my way into a feminine world for the first times, I was amazed how different it was.

My male self-had grown used to pretty much getting his own way. He was successful in the business world even to the point of buying a new Porsche sports car of his dreams, primarily through the substantial restaurant bonus checks I was earning. Little did anyone know, my female side wanted the new car as much as my male side. She wanted to be the blond in the fancy new car.

New car or not, I was not sure I was ready for public consumption as a transgender woman. After all, I was still new to the world and was afraid to being discovered and ridiculed. So, I continued on through the recesses of my mind, until I presented well enough to get by in the world. 

One of the first major moves I made was to leave the confines of gay bars behind except for the lesbian ones I enjoyed so much. As with anything else, there was a learning curve to be dealt with. I learned there was nothing much I liked about the gay bars who for the most part either shunned me or treated me as some sort of drag queen. Oddly enough, the venues I did learn I was ready for public consumption were the big sports bars I was used to going to as my old male self. It was as if I flipped the switch and was able to go and enjoy a beer and watch my favorite sports as a trans woman and not a man and I loved it. 

Very quickly, I began to also love the attention I was getting in the new venues. I fit in quickly because I was friendly, made no trouble and tipped well. Once the staff at the venue's I went to understood I was only there for a good time and not any nefarious reasons, I was embraced as who I was and all of a sudden, I was ready for public consumption. One thing I need to point out was, none of this came easy to me. I started out with very little in the way of feminine features and I was used to surviving in a male world the hard way. I needed to work hard to feminize myself. Before I began to have an idea of how to feminize myself, I needed to understand how to do it. I spent many long hours in front of my mirror trying my best to perfect my makeup and fashion before I even had the courage to leave the safety of my own house. 

Once I did summon the courage to go out in the world, I also needed to figure out exactly what I needed to accomplish.  Early on, I was just trying to see if I can make it in the world, then it became more refined. Fairly quickly, I went from a man just trying to look like a woman, to actually exist with cisgender women in the world as an equal. Needless to say, the entire idea frightened me completely. I was totally out of the only comfort zone I had ever known as I explored a new feminine world. The good news was freeing myself the toxic relationship I had maintained all those years as I gave my best effort to live as a man. 

The best part was my dream did not turn into a nightmare when I transitioned into the authentic life I always should have been living. When I was finally ready for public consumption, I was ready. 

The End Result?

 

Picnic time with my wife Liz on the right with
JJ Hart. 

Even though I write often about reaching my dreams of living as a transgender woman, sometimes I wonder if I had made it at all.

One of the problems I faced was thinking once I made it to my goal, there was always something else which was challenging me on my gender journey. When I was younger and so naive, I labored under the impression, looking like a woman should be my main goal. After I made it to the point where I could successfully blend in with the other women around me, I found there was so much more to do. I grew impatient with mediocrity and continually looked for more. There had to be so much more for me to discover around the next corner of my life. My prime example always was when going to the malls and clothing stores became too easy for me to do, I sought out other more difficult releases for my transgender challenges. I began to stop at restaurants to order lunch which forced me to interact one on one with employees. It all taught me the basics of communication with the public. 

I say the basics, because communication became the longest and most important part of transition which led to the end result of living my dream. How could I ever hope to live a fulfilling life as a transgender woman if I could not even talk to anyone else. I was also paranoid about anyone wanting to talk to me at all when I was out and about. First of all, I needed to relax and quit putting words in the mouth of the people I met and sit back and listen carefully what they were trying to say. For the first time in my life. The end result was I began to be able to interact with the over-whelming majority of the cisgender women who were curious about me. On the other hand, the majority of men I met wanted little to nothing to do with me, and vice versa. 

Once I arrived at a point when this transgender woman thought she had it all, something else would come along and proved me wrong. I learned the hard way; I needed to be careful where I went on my own as a woman in the world when my male security privilege was taken away. Navigation in a new world proved to be difficult for me. My theory of going out to be alone was at times dangerous as I actively sought out someone to be with. Overall, I was intensely lonely as a man and as a transgender woman. A complex difficulty to be sure in my life dealing with two genders. Primarily, I needed to choose what stayed and what went in my life. All I knew was, I was receiving more positive attention when I was out as a single transgender woman than when I was out as a single man. So, my choice became increasingly easier. 

The end result was, I made it to my goal of living as a fulltime transgender woman, I thought. Even though I was living my dream I never thought was possible, I found I had several other issues to conquer. All of a sudden, with all my male clothes gone and, in my past, I had to plan on what I was going to wear daily in the world. A big difference from the old days when I could look ahead a couple of days to my fashion choices. After several false starts, I made it to the world I always dreamed of, and none of it let me down.  Happiness was always fleeting in my life, but I finally found a slice of it. At times it was quite the adventure as I made my way from cross dresser to transgender woman. 

Even though my adventure had its ups and down to be sure but looking back there were more ups than downs as I made my way (or I should say, learned my way) to my ultimate end result.

Wishes were not Enough

 

Image from Delphina Iacub on UnSplash.

In yesterday's post, I wrote about the amount of time I spent wishing I was a girl as I went about attempting to live a male life.

As I pointed out yesterday, I finally arrived at a point where every spare second, I was becoming dedicated to my pursuit of becoming a girl. Which included watching the girls around me closely at school. I was desperately jealous of their fashion and lifestyle. 

As I became older, in order to survive in the world, I put less time wishing I was feminine and adding more time into actually doing it. Which meant of course I needed to unlock the door to my gender closet and try to enter the world as a novice cross dresser or transgender woman. Back in those days, I took a lot of rejection, as I thought I looked like a clown in drag. Stubbornly, I persisted until I could find the right mixture of makeup skill, fashion and wigs. Once I did, my life across a new and exciting gender border became much more satisfying and fun. So much so, I was fooled into thinking my feminized wishes were coming true. 

It was about that time when I hit a gender wall as I found out what my wife was telling me all along, I had a long way to go on my path to transgender womanhood past just looking like a woman. I needed to quit wishing and find out what she was talking about. 

The more I explored the world as a trans woman, the more the world opened to me as gender curtains were pulled back. Of course, I knew cisgender women had their own world to exist in but I did not know how strong and in-depth that world was. For the longest time, my head was spinning as I tried my best to absorb the daily lessons I was learning. Primarily about communication and co-existence with other women on their playing field. Certainly, wishes were not enough when it came to surviving in a woman's world. I found I drew the curiosity of other women who wondered what I was doing in their world, and I had to be better than the average ciswoman just to get by. 

It was about this time; I decided to take a shortcut in my external femininized appearance and research doctors to see if I was healthy enough to begin gender affirming hormones (or HRT). I was, and the hormones almost immediately went about making changes such as softening my skin and producing breasts. All of which helped me to help my presentation skills. Especially, since I did not have any male pattern baldness and quickly was able to grow my own hair out and go wigless. 

I found by this time, wishes did not have to be enough, and I could move up my final transition timeline. Finally, my long-awaited dream could become a reality, and I could put my hated male clothes away forever. Perhaps the best part was, I never wished for him to return.

Karma?

 

JJ Hart with Liz on left and daughter
on right.

Last night, my wife Liz, her son and I went out to eat at our favorite restaurant. 

We have been to the venue many times without any of the staff misgendering me. Spoiler alert. My record of not being misgendered would go out the window last night. Per norm, the venue was busy, and no one paid me any attention as we were led to our seat. So, outside of a few screaming kids, I was feeling pretty good about my experience. For the evening, I chose my new Jimmy Buffet "Margaritaville" T shirt I bought in Key West and paired it with my favorite leggings. After a close shave and a foundation coat with lip stick, I was ready to go and enjoy a margarita. 

As I said, I was feeling relaxed until we ordered, and here it came out of nowhere, the dreaded "S" word. You guessed it, the waiter called me sir. I was devasted and shocked at being called sir for the first time there ever. Then I began to wonder what went wrong, then I remembered a couple things I did wrong which could have contributed to being misgendered. The one obvious one was how I was presenting myself. Maybe the Buffett T-shirt I was wearing was a little too casual and I had not prepared my arms for a bare excursion into the world. Normally, I still need to shave my arms which I did not. So, my preparation laziness cost me.

The next point is where karma came into play. Today, we were supposed to go north to Dayton, Ohio for a Passover Seder reception at my daughter's mother-in-law. Sadly, severe storms are forecast for today in the area, so we decided not to make the rather lengthy trip. When I emailed my daughter to tell her the bad news, I asked how my trans grandchild who uses the "they and them" pronouns was doing and did they still have a job waiting for them this fall after they are done walking the Appalachian Trail. It turns out, they reached the two-hundred-mile point. 

Now what did I do wrong? As I was emailing my daughter, I thought I was being careful on which pronouns to use. Along the way (dammit) I slipped up and used the forbidden "her" word and ignorantly sent the message before I checked the entire message. Of course, then it was too late, and the message was sent. 

Now I feel as if karma got even with me later that evening when the waiter misgendered me. In the future I will have to be better, and I should be the last one in the family who should mess up their pronouns. When I do, karma should come around and slap me. 

One way or another, I need to do better where my presentation is concerned, and most certainly do better with my grandchild's pronouns. And, by the way, they still have a job as a civilian with the US Navy nuclear program in Maine. The gender haters in the orange felon's administration have not discovered them yet and I hope they never will. 

In the meantime, I am a firm believer in good karma and will work harder to make sure I pay my life forward the best I can to pay it forward to help others and not screw up my grandchild's pronoun's.  

Transgender Breakthroughs

 

Image from 
Shane Rounce  on 
UnSplash. 

Even though we are all at different points along the way in our gender journeys, we still have break throughs which keep us going. 

My earliest breakthrough was when I was still admiring my girlish reflection in the mirror, the first times I was able to try on my mom's clothes when I was all alone. I thought I looked great, and the feeling stayed with me for a couple days afterward until I could try to cross dress again. The problem was, I felt deep down there was still something missing, I wanted to do so much more than just look like a girl, I wanted to be a girl. The problem was, I did not have any gender information to go with my discovery of who I really was. I was still years away from even hearing for the first time about transgender women and what the term meant to me. I still have vivid recollections of the time I saw the transgender term used and just knew, for the first time in my life, being a trans woman fit me. Naturally it was a major breakthrough. 

Little did I know, just having a label to attach to myself, would prove to be a challenge for me as I went through life. No longer could I rely upon a mirror's image to get myself by. I needed to get out into the world and see if I could present well enough to mix in with the public. When I did, I found being a woman was no joke, and I needed to really work to achieve my goal of transgender womanhood. 

One of the big problems I had was, when I was coming out, I tried to keep one foot firmly in my closet. In case something went wrong, and I needed to go back. The only problem with keeping a foot in my closet was the time I spent in the world as a woman spoiled me, and I never wanted to go back. It was very difficult for me to tell my inner feminine self no. What I decided to do was, formulate a version of my own feminine bucket list. I would try increasingly more difficult things as a woman and see what would happen. For example, if I made it browsing in a bookstore, I would take it a step further by ordering a coffee and using the women's room the next time I was there. Or I would try to go to a different restaurant all together and order lunch. 

I try not to act as if I am recommending my path out of my gender closet to others because when it comes to leaving your closet, one size does certainly not fit all. Circmstances such as experiences in the public and where you live can vary so much. However, in my case, it did take a certain amount of courage to come out. There were many times when I waited in my car adjusting and readjusting my makeup before I gathered the courage to walk into a venue I wanted to try out as my new femininized self. Since a few of the venues I had been to several times as a man. 

Then, courage gave way to confidence and when it did, I could enjoy my new exciting life. Before that happened, it seemed to be a challenge every time I turned around. Perhaps I was expecting too much by thinking I could turn decades of living a reasonably successful male life around so quickly. Being a woman of any sorts presented a challenge because women lead a so much more layered and complex life than men. Once I accepted the challenge, I discovered I was in the right place as a trans woman and there would be no turning back. 

Even though the current barrage of anti-transgender legislation shows no sign of abating soon in many places, we have to remember transgender women and trans men will never be erased and have always existed and you can too. If you try, you can have your own breakthroughs and live a solid life out of your closet. You just have to be careful how you do it and keep an eye out for the bigots which are increasingly brave. In my case, I needed to realize the worst the bigots could do to me was not as bad as continuing to live in my gender closet. It was very dark and lonely, and I could not take it any longer and I set out to experience my own transgender breakthroughs.

Relax!

 

Image from Clem Onojeghuo
on UnSplash.

As transgender women or transgender men, often relaxation can be a key to our survival. The sad part is relaxation can be very difficult to come by. 

If you are like me, when you first discovered the pleasures of dressing in your mom's or sister's clothing, there was an extreme element of danger involved. If my secret was ever discovered, life as I knew it would be destroyed. With that hanging over my head, it was very hard to relax. Somehow, I thought as the years rushed by, I could relax as I enjoyed looking at myself in the mirror cross dressed as a girl, but I did not.

In fact, it got worse the more I ventured into the world for the first time as a self-proclaimed transgender woman. I was concentrating on making sure I was on point with my fashion, makeup and hair, I just could not relax on the reality of putting the appearance I achieved into moving as best I could as a woman. My best laid plans of presenting as an attractive woman could quickly be destroyed by moving like a linebacker when I walked. So, until I earned the confidence I needed to be out in the world, I just could not relax.

Ironically, I did get better at putting my feminized body into motion and was beginning to learn how to relax as a trans woman until an even bigger obstacle came my way. The set back came when I needed to begin to communicate with other women and men in the world. No longer could I go out preparing to be by myself, when so many people (mainly women) wanted to talk. I was caught in a new strange never-never land where I had never been before. I did not know what to do. If I was too chatty would other people, consider me too forward, and on the other hand, if I did not say enough, I would appear to be unfriendly and not approachable at all. Plus, on top of all of that, I was very paranoic in how my voice sounded to the public. 

At first, when I talked to another woman, I attempted to mimic her voice and do the best I could. Most importantly, I needed to quit anticipating what another woman was going to say to me and listen more intently than I ever did as a man. As I already knew, cisgender women were very different than men, but I was never allowed behind the gender curtain to discover the true extent of the differences. As I always mention, I had plenty of instances when I did not watch my back and ended up being clawed by a passive aggressive woman before I understood to watch for everyone. On the other hand, I had very few interactions with men and did not have to worry where they were coming from since most stayed away from me.

Through it all, today I can't say I can ever relax completely. Especially with the current state of affairs against the transgender world thanks to a certain orange felon. It's so bad in my native Ohio, the courts are battling laws which outlaw me using the restroom of my choice at all.  How am I supposed to feel about getting arrested when I am doing nothing wrong.

The only advice I can give anyone considering starting their own gender journey is to take the time to build your own confidence so you can proceed. Confidence is the key to relaxing as you are able to enjoy the path to your new life. 

Do the Right Thing

 

Image from UnSplash.

I learned early on from my parents when in doubt, you should always do the right thing. At the same time, I learned from them, dressing to look like a girl was not doing the right thing. So, I needed to completely hide it.

Later, when I attempted to navigate my gender path, I found many obstacles I did not foresee hurting me. But they did and brought about many doubts. Of course, the main doubt was, should I be doing all the cross dressing I was doing in public at all. Still, I persisted and improved my craft at presenting well as a femininized person. Finally, I arrived at a point where I could leave my dark gender closet and attempt to live a new scary yet exciting life. The more I explored as a novice transgender woman, the more I wanted to do. Which brought me back to the question, was I doing the right thing. 

Similar to so many of you, I suffered from extreme guilt as my second wife kept telling me my gender desires were selfish pursuits. The sad part of it was, for the most part, she was right. She wanted very little to do with me wanting to be a woman, so I kept it away from her. Not the right thing to do in a marriage but was my only recourse. At that time, I only had a distant dream of perhaps living someday as a transgender woman. All I needed was the courage to face my reality. 

Because of a number of reasons, I needed to do much more exploring the world as a transgender woman to see if I could survive. First, I had to look the part, then I needed to live the part. Standing in my way, were the usual questions of transitioning to another gender such as what would become of my family, friends and job. As well as did I really hate my male life that much. I wasted hour upon hour antagonizing over what I should do and would it be the right thing. 

I was stubborn of course and refused to do any more than observe several transsexual women I knew from a distance. From their stories I did know they had really good safe jobs or were close to retirement so they could support themselves whereas I did not and had no idea of what I would do for an income. Plus, I also needed to consider, both of them were flat out gorgeous and had no problems presenting in the world as women. I did not labor under any idea I even came close to being as attractive as them and did not have that going for me either. After taking all of this and much more into consideration, I did not know what I could do about my gender dilemma which was not doing my mental health any favors.

What I did do was try to continue on the path I was on. To increase my awareness of the world as a transgender woman as much as I could at a time, I went as far as I could. Even absorbing major clashes with my wife over what I was doing. I can't always say I did the right thing as I learned more and more about living in the new world I was seeking. There were too many times when I had to out and out lie to get out of situations, I found myself in. In all fairness to my wife, she told me to stop it and just become a woman to bring peace to both of us. Still, I did not have the courage to change my life and leave her behind. I did not do the right thing. 

You regulars know what happened next. My wife passed away quite tragically from a heart attack leaving me all alone with my dogs to put my life back together. I rapidly turned to my inner feminine self as the strongest person around and did the right thing and finally turned to a life I always just dreamed of. 

On a side note, I may be missing a day of blogging tomorrow as my wife Liz and I have a daylong seminar to attend. Sorry for the inconvenience!

When too Much Wasn't

 

JJ Hart (Middle) with two friends.

As I continued along my long and winding gender path, I (on occasion) ran into situations when the public seemed to be too much. 

Examples were the times I was approached in public by strangers when I did not want to be. Very quickly I needed to judge their motives. Did they see me as a man in a dress on one hand, or as a woman on the other. Naturally, it made a big difference when I returned home and rated my experiences as a novice transgender woman out in the world for the first time. How did I do? Was I too much for my own good and did I need to tone it down, or attempt to do more?

There were the times when I managed to thrive in situations where women dominated and times I could not and ran home. Back to my gender drawing board. There seemed to be so much to learn, I was overwhelmed by the task ahead of me if I was ever to achieve my dream of living a femininized life as a transgender woman. 

In the end result, normally I found too much just was not when I was trying to get ahead in a new world I was just getting used to. The problems occurred mainly in the areas of fashion and makeup, as well as where I was trying to go when I went out. Once I got them under control, I was able to build a stable new life in the girls' sandbox. Once I earned my way in. Often earning my way in, had its own set of challenges. Mainly I had to find out how to play correctly to be accepted. On the other hand, even though it was difficult to do, I had to play to learn a life's full of lessons in a hurry. As I always say, my women's workbook was blank to this point, and I needed to write it. 

I found as I struggled to fill out my workbook, I needed to be extra vigilant in how I viewed other women, since I was totally on their turf. For the most part, I did my best to hold back on my opinions and speak mainly when I was spoken too. It worked well enough until I could get my feet on the ground, and I could move forward as a transgender woman. My goal was to build my new life as a confident, intelligent woman in society, but I needed to prove to myself my goal was not too much and would destroy my dream of transgender womanhood. Fortunately, throughout my life, I had several strong positive feminine role models to work from and add to my workbook. When I was able to add their influences to the inner female, I already knew was there, the women formed a strong bond to guide me through my struggles.

Overall, I discovered rarely too much just was not. What was happening was, I was just paralyzed by fear to move on with my new life. Once I got over most of my fears, I was able to move on and be free to live a better life. A better mental health life waited for me when I quit fighting two genders to survive. 

Seasons Change

 

Image from Jamiethlene Reskspe on
UnSplash.

It appears that Spring has quit teasing us here in Southern Ohio and is finally here to stay. Spring teases us every year, so it is no real surprise when it happens. We can go from summer like weather to winter in one week. 

What it means is wardrobe adjustments which account for cooler mornings and warmer afternoons have to be made.  Plus, I always use the unique seasonal changes here to completely go through my clothes to see what will stay and what will go.  From nearly the very beginning of my love of everything feminine, I had admired how girls and women had the opportunity to completely change their fashion with the seasons. Putting aside all the challenges I had with having any resources at all to buy new fashion, I still did my best to meet the seasonal change challenges. 

My biggest challenge this year is coming up in the middle of April when my wife Liz and I have been invited to my daughters in laws house for a lunch get together. I am planning for it already and am planning to wear a two-piece lightweight top I just purchased for our trip to the Florida Keys. I will pair the top with leggings I have and hopefully will be dressed well enough to blend in with the rest of the women who will be there. Sadly, I don't think my transgender grandchild will be there because they (pronoun of choice) will be hiking the Appalachian trail with their partner. I will have to find out from their mom if they still are going to have a job as a civilian nuclear engineer with the US Navy or did the orange felon's threat against transgender women and trans men destroy any hopes of having a job. 

In the meantime, it is opening day in Cincinnati for the pro-baseball Reds, which has a huge parade and is close to a complete local holiday. Since the parade is televised during the afternoon, and I really don't care much for parades, it will give me a chance to get started with my spring wardrobe assessment. I know right now, I am setting fairly well with my collection of light weight tops and T's. Especially when I added a few select T Shirts from my trip to Key West, Florida. I purchased a very colorful T(shirt) from "Harpoon Harry's" where we ate lunch and later made a special stop in Jimmy Buffet's "Margaritaville" shop where I picked up another shirt to add to my collection. My second wife and I were huge fans of Jimmy and when he passed way, another of my bucket list items went with him.

Watching Buffet's famous Cincinnati summer riverside concerts were always a hit with us, but little did my wife know how badly I wanted to be one of the women watching the show. My transition took so long, I sadly never made it. 

Now, I hear the birds chirping and a pile of clothes awaits to be sorted to be worn or donated. It has always been a labor of fashion love for me to go through the seasonal changes which made being a woman much more fun for me than being a boring man. Even though, sometimes I think the fashion experience is shallow in nature, it has always been fun to me. 

Especially, when I can shed the boring dark colors of winter and become a part of the new bright spring flowers and budding of the trees. Everything I wanted to do when I started my path to transgender womanhood. It also time to put all my sweaters away and turn another page towards my future and bright as a new season.

 

Preparing to Lose

 

JJ Hart speaking at a Cincinnati Trans Wellness 
Conference.

When I first began to explore my transgender womanhood in public, I was rejected so much, I was totally dejected by the whole outcome.

The only thing which kept me going was a deep feeling I was doing something right in my life for a change. Plus, I did experience very brief moments of gender euphoria when for once, I had my feet on the ground and was able to blend in with other women in the world. One night I remember in particular was when I dressed in my best oversized fluffy sweater and short black mini skirt and set out to do a portion of the family's grocery shopping. After shaving my legs and brushing out my favorite wig, I set out for the store which was not too far away. 

Once I arrived at the store, it was early, and I was relieved to see it was almost empty when I went about doing my shopping. Just to prove I could, I picked out a few items I thought we needed and headed for the checkout line where one woman and a young male bagger was working. As I was unloading my cart, I slyly caught the bagger looking me over and when I looked at him, he quickly blushed and looked away. Then I looked at the checkout lady who just gave me a knowing smile and asked if I needed any help taking my items to the car. It was the first time in my life I allowed myself a brief moment to think I looked good enough to fluster a young man. I carried the experience forward with me for weeks because it gave me such good confidence in my new feminine world. 

As we all know, confidence is so important to those of us working our way down our gender paths. It does not matter if we are experienced cross dressers or transgender women, having a healthy sense of confidence in ourselves helps our progress in the world immeasurably. People are like sharks and can spot a weakness in another person a mile away. Even though my newfound confidence was still very fragile, I could feel it growing. Which was all that mattered to me. 

From there, I tried to experience living more of my life as a novice transgender woman doing things a cisgender woman would do. Again, doing a portion of the grocery shopping was an example. Looking back on it now, I am surprised my second wife did not question what I was doing but she never did. Through it all, even though I was being successful for a change in my cross dressing or transgender experiences, somehow, someway I still prepared myself for failure. I suppose it was because I experienced so much failure earlier, I still expected it. 

Then, I began to think about what I was doing and came up with what I was really prepared to lose. Since I had advanced to the point of passing in my presentation, was I prepared to lose more and more of my male world. As much as I did not like it, through out and out effort, I was able to carve out a decent male life, and I needed to decide if I could make it without my spouse, extended family, friends and job. What was I prepared to lose?

Long story short, I decided I felt so good in my new transgender womanhood, I decided what I could lose, and it was everything. I should say, I risked it all for a better life and I had very few things to lose when I tried it. My wife and close friends all had passed away and it turned out my all-important daughter came all out to accept me. So, I was very fortunate. 

All along, I was still prepared to lose, it never really happened to me. I can't take much of the credit because I put myself out in the world and good women responded. They were all I needed to restore more of my inner confidence and start a new life.  

Living the Dream

Image of dreaming woman from 
James Forbus on UnSplash.

 For the greater part of a half a century, the thought of transgender womanhood remained a distant dream for me.

The main reason was, I spent decades denying who I really was, as my male self-sought to rule me. Sadly, he either won many gender battles or made life overall miserable for me. When he was doing it, my dream remained in place as I wondered how big my rainbow was and would I ever live my dream. In the meantime, I kept experimenting in the world as an out transgender woman. 

When I had the chance, I would do things such as attend downtown festivals all the way to watching an outdoor concert as my new exciting authentic self. I had a black leotard top I often wore with a favorite pair of flair legged silky pants and a glittering pair of black and gold sandals. I even went as far at the daylight festival I went to; I added a pair of sunglasses so I could see anyone checking me out in a negative way without them being able to see my eyes. My biggest discovery was no one paid me any real attention. In other words, I was beginning to think I could actually live out my dream of transgender womanhood. 

From there I attempted to expand my new exciting life. I completely enjoyed the time I spent living my dream and soon, never wanted to go back to my male life. When I was forced back, I hated it. Often, I took it out on my second wife and other close people around me. By internalizing my dream, I grew angrier and angrier and almost lost good jobs because of it. 

It was not until I began to spend almost all of my spare time living my dream, did I realize I could really succeed at it. Finally, I had made the transition from the mirror to the world and was ready to attempt to learn to do more. Overall, I began to have more success than failures when I learned not to push my gender envelope too far. I was accepted at several venues where I wanted to go to watch sports and drink beer plus, I gained a couple unexpected female friends when I did it. I was discovering I was closer and closer to my dream of transgender womanhood was almost here and I wanted more and more of it.

I did not think I would ever make it to my dream, but destiny was on my side and all of a sudden, at the age of sixty, I realized I was at a huge make it or break it time of my life. Either I completed my gender transition then, or I never would have the chance again. I seized the opportunity and even had the chance of meeting the cisgender woman of my dreams who accepted and even encouraged me to be a better version of myself. She told me very few humans ever have the chance to reinvent themselves, so I should strive to do it right. As I did.

At my age of seventy-five now, I still have the everyday pain which comes with age, but I try to write and walk every day to stay active. Perhaps by doing so, I can expand my dream to the fullest. 

Thanks for reading along! I hope you can live out your dream also.

Comments

 

Image from Bruno Acquire on UnSplash. 

In regard to yesterday's post concerning the Veterans Administration's announcement they were not going to cover gender affirming hormones, prothesis's, and even mental health treatment for new veterans suffering from gender dysphoria anymore. 

In my rant, I said, among other things, how much I disagreed with the move, even though it did not affect me. The VA said, those already receiving gender related care could keep getting it. Which, of course, means me. 

One huge problem I did not mention in my post was pointed out by Denise, who pointed out, the VA's decision to shut out trans women being discharged into the world to fend for themselves was just a smaller part of what the orange felon's presidential administration is trying to do to erase the rights of all women in our country today. Since transgender women are a unique form of women, our rights as women are being taken away too. Which gives me yet another chance to wonder why any clear-thinking woman, trans or not, would have ever voted for the felon at all. And I will leave it at that.

On another subject concerning a post called "Why Me?' a reader wrote in with this comment:

"Over many decades I often asked myself both “why me” and “why not me”. For decades I limited myself to underdressing…. something I told myself was just a (hopefully) harmless kink, out of the fear that if I explored further, I would irreversibly descend that slippery slope. I in my early 50s I finally allowed myself to experiment with makeup and women's clothing beyond underwear. I still vividly recall the moment when I looked in the mirror and saw myself for the first time. In that instant, I may have even said aloud, “I can do this!”

There have been subsequent periods of self-doubt, of course. Still, every day I find that I look forward to seeing myself and engaging with the world as a woman."

Thanks to both of you for the comments! I found many of your ideas to be very profound and meaningful. Plus, I had "aha" moments when I realized I had left all women out of the current political agenda and the moment when I too had realized when I was successful in public as a novice transgender woman that "I could do this", and it felt so natural. Deep down inside, something snapped, and I felt as if I was home.

The night I realized I could do it and felt at home in the company of women was and is so special to me. Just one of the reasons it disturbs me so much to see what is happening today with our rights continue. 

Speaking of continue, I love all your comments and wish I could answer them all, here on the blog in a public setting. Needless to say, I do the best I can!

Also (something I don't say enough) thanks to all of you who find the time and effort to read along on a regular basis. It makes it all worthwhile to me!

Gender House of Cards

 

Image from 
Nathan Dumlao
on UnSplash.

As I progressed along my gender path, I regularly built houses of cards.

I became used to showing my cards regularly when I was a novice cross dresser. Sadly, I was coming off too often as the joker. I can't mention enough how I was the victim of the beginning cross dressers' curse. I was trying to dress as a teen aged girl when I was a wide-bodied male just trying to survive in a new exciting yet scary new world. My life existed by taking a step forward and another two steps back. Gender euphoria was very rare in my life, so I needed to cherish it when it came about. 

In order to make up (no pun intended) from the long lapses of gender euphoria, I needed to step back and try to build my house of cards with a better, more solid foundation. Every time I was rejected, I had to resolve myself to go back to my cross-dressing board and work harder on something like I had never worked so hard on before. Finally, my efforts paid off and I began to blend in with the public with less effort. I was ecstatic and I readied myself to move forward play more cards. Did someone say success breeds success? If not, I will, and it happened to me. I gained the all-important confidence I needed and headed on up my gender path.  

I proceeded to keep building my house of cards against all odds, I realized who I truly was. Much more than a relatively innocent parttime cross dresser and much more of a transgender woman. It seems like such a small difference in thought pattern could make such a huge difference in my life. Suddenly, it seemed the world opened up for me and I thought I had found the missing card I had always been looking for.  

Having said all of that, I knew I would have to set out to build a whole different house of cards. No longer did I want to just look like the women around me, I wanted to be treated as an equal. Which seemed to be an impossible dream. When I was successful in hanging out with other women, I developed a whole new set of confidence and began to relax and enjoy the experience. I was at home with myself for the first time ever. Perhaps the best result was, my house of cards was being built so much stronger and more resilient to the outside world. 

From then on, the race was on to enable my inner feminine self to play her own cards. When she finally did, she was extremely successful and made the best of her situation. Plus, she was able to build upon the mistakes of her male counterpart and never having to play the joker. Then my wife Liz came along and re-enforced my new transgender womanhood, while at the same time rapidly building my house of cards. When I experienced a collapse, Liz was there to catch me. 

I am sure you agree, building your own gender house of cards is not an easy task to complete. You need to show an uncommon level of patience when your cards collapsed, and you needed to start all over. It shows how difficult a transgender life can be. Especially in these difficult times.  

The Grand Search for Discovery

 

Image from Gints Gallis
on UnSplash.

Along the path to transgender womanhood, I made many discoveries. 

It wasn't until I finally made it into the world did, I begin to pick up the pace in being allowed behind the feminine gender curtain, so I could learn for myself what was going on. In other words, I needed to earn my stripes as a trans woman to be allowed in to play in the girl's sandbox. Now, I can't quite remember what my expectations were of being allowed in, I only remember I basically forced my way in. Many times, causing the sand to really fly. 

I discovered most other women accepted me for myself and let it go at that, and I learned quickly to let the others go on their own way. After all, you cannot please everyone at the same time. Plus, the acceptance I gained far outweighed any negatives I experienced. I discovered once I made it past the idea I was attempting to "fool" anyone into thinking I was a cis-gendered woman, the better off I was. When I was satisfied to just be myself, more women reacted to me positively. Probably because they appreciated, I was being truthful with them. I was just busy learning how to live my dream and meant nobody harm.

Even still, my gender path was very winding, and steep with many roadblocks. Similar to many of you, I experienced the pain of separation from family, friends and life in general as I transitioned and femininized myself. Many times, I needed to stop and rest on my path because the effort exhausted me.

Out of all the discoveries I made, one of the biggest ones was when I made the transition from weekend or parttime cross dresser to novice transgender woman. Even though I was just dealing in basic gender semantics, the shift in thought was a major one for me. All of a sudden, I began to feel I was achieving my childhood dream of being a woman. Not just looking like one. When I did make the discovery, to change my life, my path ahead became fairly well illuminated. Now, I had the usual hurdles to jump through such as how to make my way out of the mirror and into the sandbox but overall, I had the confidence to move forward.  

The other main discovery I made as I entered transgender womanhood, was how important the gender affirming hormones would be to me. Of course, I knew the physical changes I would go through such as changes to my body such as breast growth. However, nothing prepared me for the internal changes which would go on. All of a sudden, for the first time in my life, I could cry tears of joy as well as sorrow. In essence, estradiol softened my entire life and quickly took the testosterone related universe I lived in away from me. A huge discovery. 

Of course, every discovery does not have to be a good one. When my second wife discovered I was sneaking out of the house to live as a transgender woman was certainly not a good discovery for me. It took me weeks of apologizing and even therapy to save what was left of our twenty-five-year marriage. Which I managed to do until she unexpectedly passed away. When she did, I discovered what loneliness was all about. 

Every human life is filled with discovery if you are living it right. It seems transgender women and transgender men live have an extra amount of discovery. It is very rare a person who has the chance to explore the two binary genders to determine which one they want to live as. I feel it is one of the reasons so many people these days misunderstand our trans community and treat us poorly or even with hate. We have found how deep trans bigotry suddenly runs in our country, led on by a certain felon as president. Which is all I am going to say about it. 

In the meantime, I hope all your discoveries are positive and exciting.

Should You Be a Jumper?

 

Image from Jeremy Bishop
on UnSplash. 

As we go through life, many of us have chances to jump and try to improve our status. 

As I lived, I certainly registered in the jumper category. I have no idea if many of the decisions I made concerning employment changes and resultant family moves had anything to do with my gender issues, but I always assumed they did. What if I was trying to just jump and hide from wanting to live a feminine life and escape the old male one, I was forced to live. 

The one thing I did learn relatively early in life was I did not have to put up with seemingly huge obstacles put in front of me. The biggest example was when it became obvious, I was going away to serve my country during a very unpopular and deadly war in Vietnam. Immediately, since I worked for a congressman's radio station, I sought out help to work in a very small section of the military...American Forces Radio and Television. I thought, why not try and see if I could pull off a miracle of sorts, so I went ahead and jumped by sending off letters to Washington, DC. Amazingly, I received a fairly positive letter back and went on to eventually landing a spot on the network. So, jumping really helped me, and actually spoiled me for the near future.

When I was discharged from the military, I played around for a while and ended up on a cross-country car trip with my future first wife and mother of my only child. Since we were driving from my home in Ohio to her home in California, we covered many miles with side trips to visit friends in Texas and Seattle. It was fun as my fairly new Chevrolet Vega held together well enough to make the trip. And all the jumping helped me to briefly forget all my gender issues. 

When we returned, I pooled together my savings with a friend and bought a small neighborhood tavern in my hometown. It was quite the jump as my dad described it best as a place which had two doors, so the Flys did not have to stop when they went through. Even though dad's opinion spoke for itself, we worked on the tavern and finally made it a success when we added homemade pizza and deli sandwiches. Sadly, I destroyed all of my hard-earned success because of excessive alcohol abuse, and I lost the whole operation. 

Ironically, I did not learn my lesson with restaurants because later on in life, I quit a very good commercial chain restaurant job to risk a fairly sizeable inheritance I inherited when my dad died. This time, due to a severe economic downturn in the town I lived, I lost the whole gamble after about five years. Proving once and for all, my jumps did not all turn out well. 

Later on in life, I blamed much of my dependence on alcohol as just a way to jump life and not have to deal with being a transgender woman. Even still, I was far from finished from jumping. As I began to go public as a novice trans woman, I learned I could actually live the dream life I wanted. To do it though, I would have to jump through a set of very serious hoops to succeed. What would I do with the fairly successful male life I had worked so hard to succeed with. When each of us considers a total gender jump to the other side, we have to wonder what will become of our family, friends and employment. Rather than considering the process as a jump for me, I always thought of it as sliding down a steep gender slope towards a cliff of unknown depth. 

Regardless, I gathered all of my courage and put my male life behind me. I gathered up all my male clothes and gave them to the thrift store and set out with my gender affirming hormones into an exciting new world. 

In the world of transgender women and transgender men, it is extremely difficult to advise or give much guidance to each other. Frustratingly, many trans people share the same path but on the other hand don't. It shows up in the maddening ways we can't seem to truly unite as a strong "T" under the LGBTQ umbrella. It is difficult for all of us to jump together. I can't say you should be a gender jumper or not. It has to come from deep inside you.