Living the Dream

Image of dreaming woman from 
James Forbus on UnSplash.

 For the greater part of a half a century, the thought of transgender womanhood remained a distant dream for me.

The main reason was, I spent decades denying who I really was, as my male self-sought to rule me. Sadly, he either won many gender battles or made life overall miserable for me. When he was doing it, my dream remained in place as I wondered how big my rainbow was and would I ever live my dream. In the meantime, I kept experimenting in the world as an out transgender woman. 

When I had the chance, I would do things such as attend downtown festivals all the way to watching an outdoor concert as my new exciting authentic self. I had a black leotard top I often wore with a favorite pair of flair legged silky pants and a glittering pair of black and gold sandals. I even went as far at the daylight festival I went to; I added a pair of sunglasses so I could see anyone checking me out in a negative way without them being able to see my eyes. My biggest discovery was no one paid me any real attention. In other words, I was beginning to think I could actually live out my dream of transgender womanhood. 

From there I attempted to expand my new exciting life. I completely enjoyed the time I spent living my dream and soon, never wanted to go back to my male life. When I was forced back, I hated it. Often, I took it out on my second wife and other close people around me. By internalizing my dream, I grew angrier and angrier and almost lost good jobs because of it. 

It was not until I began to spend almost all of my spare time living my dream, did I realize I could really succeed at it. Finally, I had made the transition from the mirror to the world and was ready to attempt to learn to do more. Overall, I began to have more success than failures when I learned not to push my gender envelope too far. I was accepted at several venues where I wanted to go to watch sports and drink beer plus, I gained a couple unexpected female friends when I did it. I was discovering I was closer and closer to my dream of transgender womanhood was almost here and I wanted more and more of it.

I did not think I would ever make it to my dream, but destiny was on my side and all of a sudden, at the age of sixty, I realized I was at a huge make it or break it time of my life. Either I completed my gender transition then, or I never would have the chance again. I seized the opportunity and even had the chance of meeting the cisgender woman of my dreams who accepted and even encouraged me to be a better version of myself. She told me very few humans ever have the chance to reinvent themselves, so I should strive to do it right. As I did.

At my age of seventy-five now, I still have the everyday pain which comes with age, but I try to write and walk every day to stay active. Perhaps by doing so, I can expand my dream to the fullest. 

Thanks for reading along! I hope you can live out your dream also.

Regrets?

Image from the 
Jessie Hart Archives

I would suppose, similar to anyone who has reached the stage of life I have reached, may have a few regrets.

As far as I am concerned, I don't have many. Along the way, I have been fortunate to have loved and be loved by several different women. Three of which married me. In each of my marriages had their own special ups and downs. One of the regrets I do have was when I needed desperately to be the one who cheated on my first wife so I could marry my second wife. I wasn't proud of being the cheater in the relationship but I see my first wife (and mother of my only child) approximately twice a year and we get along well. We both moved on to other long term relationships which proved out to be for the best. 

I was with my second wife for over twenty five years before she tragically passed away from a massive heart attack. My regrets with her primarily revolved around me not knowing the full reach of my transgender feelings and I ended up dragging (no pun intended) both of us through the gender mess I created as I transitioned. It would have been easier if I had just pulled the band-aid off and just let the dust settle where it may. But I was selfish and still liked part of what I had accomplished as a guy. So much so, I didn't want to let it all go which was a major mistake. One which almost killed me. I would not wish attempting to live convincingly between the two main primary genders on anyone. From day to day, just to get by, I needed to concentrate which gender I was that day. I found myself in some sort of a gender twilight zone trying to figure out daily was I a man or a woman.

I did know I loved being a woman, I loved the clothes and the challenge of facing society daily as my increasingly feminine side. Sadly, as with anything else you love, many problems come with the process. Life at once became exciting and terrifying. I didn't know what I was doing as a novice transgender woman but I learned fast. At the least, I gave myself the latitude to make mistakes and keep discovering a new world. Regrets? Sure, I made many mistakes along the way as I presented myself to the world. Plus I was lucky too when I got away with more than I should ever been able to. The main ones occurred when I went behind my second wife's back to cheat on her. With another woman who happened to be me. I had always thought I was a honest person, so the whole deal proved to be excruciating to me. The more success I felt on one hand felt so natural but at the same time I was cheating on the person I loved.

I suppose everyone has regrets but destiny has softened my challenges I have experienced from the challenging idea I wanted to change my gender. Ironically, it was my third wife (and current one)who came along and saved me from myself in my darkest days. She made me a believer in myself as a person and convinced me I should have live fulltime as a trans woman. She sealed my belief in her when she told me she had only seen the feminine in me. That was over a decade ago and we have never looked back and our relationship remains strong.

It doesn't do much good to have any regrets anyhow. Life moves fast and if you didn't take the opportunity to seize it when you had the chance, it may never come around again. I am just fortunate in I have been blessed with a long life to try not to repeat my mistakes and have regrets. 

Arrival

Image from the Jessie Hart
Archives circa 2010

The beginning of 2024 has given me the opportunity to look back at the years of my life when I became very serious about the reality of entering the feminine world and living as a transgender woman fulltime. This post my give you some sort of an idea of the time sequence I went through in my lengthy gender transition. 

The year was 2010 and three years had passed after my second wife had died. In those three years, I had a brief fling with another single woman as my old male self. Predictably the relationship didn't last and we both moved on. Not before she stood me up on a summer in the park outdoor concert I invited her to. Not to worry, I dressed in my best concert clothes and took my inner female instead. I ended up learning quite a bit and enjoyed myself immensely. Until my wife Liz came along, I was certainly my own best friend. 

As it turned out, 2010 also was the year I decided to go down the road of gender affirming hormones as I sought to change my outward appearance as much as possible. Little did I know, how much the hormones would change my internal life also. It seemed as much as my emotional outlook changed, my entire view of the world softened as my testosterone "edge" disappeared. To highlight my trip down the new road in my life, my first dosage of the new hormones came that year when Liz joined me for a special evening as we were out celebrating New Years Eve.

Even though I had officially started this new path in my life, I found I still had a long way to go. Arriving meant I needed to do more than take gender affirming hormones and feel the part. Then, more than ever, I needed to walk the walk and talk the talk of being a full fledged transgender woman. Meeting the world one on one proved to be both exciting and terrifying as I needed to give up all the male privileges I had fought so long to earn over the years. I learned quickly how I would be barred from any future benefits of being in the men's club. Plus, at the same time. I needed to quickly understand all the responsibilities of being allowed in the women's club. Early on, it took me awhile to see any real benefits from being a trans woman except for the occasional man who would open a door for me.

In the meantime, arrival also meant having to learn things such as a whole new way of just using the restroom. No longer was just peeing taken to such a high level of etiquette. I needed to train myself to look other women in the eye and smile when I used the woman's room and be certain to always stop and check my makeup plus wash my hands no matter how threatened I felt. All of this was just a start.

In essence, arriving also meant being able to relax and enjoy myself in public as my authentic self for the first time in my life. So 2010 was a landmark year for me but at the same time was just the beginning. 

When I was stuck so many years as a closeted cross dresser, little did I know how bright and exciting the world would become as I started to arrive.

 

Giving Thanks

For many in the United States Thanksgiving is a bittersweet holiday. Especially in the transgender community. I am an example.

Over the years my deceased wife hosted the family for a Thanksgiving feast. Our door was open also to my employees who may not have a family to celebrate with. To put it all in perspective, one big turkey was never enough. Through it all, after my parents passed away, my extended family was my brother, his two sons and the kids of theirs (and mine) who followed. We had a big house I was restoring so we had a large space to set up in and all were still welcome.

For the most part these were fond memories until I transitioned. By this time my wife had passed away and the dinner had moved to my brother's house. Before I showed up as my authentic self for Thanksgiving, I called and talked to my brother. He said in essence he would always refer to me as my old self and he would get back with me concerning having an invitation at all. He never did and I never looked back. After all his in-laws were all right wing Southern Baptists. I guess he didn't want to stand up for me.

As I said, I never looked back. I found myself firmly entrenched in my partner Liz's family plus I was welcome in my accepting daughter's extended family. 

I know so  many in the LGBTQ community aren't so fortunate. Too  many are ostracized from their families and previous friends. Now it's not uncommon to refer to other "non-blood" folks as new family.

Whatever it takes, I hope you all are able to take a moment and celebrate your blessings.

Happy Thanksgiving and thanks for stopping by Cyrsti's Condo! I truly appreciate it.

The Magic of Makeup

 Most certainly one of the most bewildering ,yet on occasion fun part in a transgender woman's transition is making yourself up. Of course, very early in the transition game, the importance of attempting to align your external source with your authentic self becomes very important. 

I remember back to the earliest days of rummaging through my Mom's makeup drawer and "borrowing" certain items I had seen her use such as lipstick and eye shadow. The challenge always was to use the items and put them back so well she would never notice. She never mentioned it, so perhaps I was careful enough to get by. 

All of this took place during the 1950's and I lived in a rural area where I was able to deliver news papers for extra money. I saved my paper route money and combined it with the small allowance I received for doing chores around the house and actually had enough money saved to purchase my own makeup. Having the money was one thing but finding a place to spend it and buy makeup was another.

Those days were way before the advent of any makeup specialty stores. The closest I could afford and find away in town to go to were a couple of the old "five and dimes" department stores. They featured a small selection of many items (including makeup) a lunch counter as well as other items. I was even able to find me a pair of women's shoes I cherished on one of my shopping excursions. 

Another problem I encountered was how was I going to get to the stores I wanted to shop at plus once I was there, having the courage to actually go in and search for makeup. I was able to overcome the transportation issue by spending the night at my grandma's house. She lived very close to downtown where the stores were located. I could walk and pick out my hard earned treasures. 

As I wrote, I vividly remember the fear or out right panic I felt the first time I gathered the courage to go in the store and shop. I ended up feeling very relieved when I finally reached the makeup section...until I saw the selections which were available. I thought, now what? My plan had been to briskly walk in, pick out a couple makeup items, head back to the checkout counter and leave. My plans did not include a lengthy stay to shop. 

Through it all, I stayed the course and purchased a couple of items. I was certain the whole world was staring at me but they weren't. I survived the checkout counter and headed back to my grandma's.

Little did I know  from my humble beginnings at the makeup counter, I would have many more occasions to feel nervous. Over the years I would have much more error than trial when it came to applying my own makeup. Finally the internet came along and I was able to study makeup tutorials and improve my craft. 

Ironically I became so skilled my two wives (who wore very little makeup) would come to me for advice when they wanted to dress up. 

When I became very serious about transitioning was when I attempted to take my makeup to another level,. During this period I was desperately trying to blend in with the professional woman and proper makeup was a necessity. 

These days I have basically gone full circle with my makeup. Thanks to the results of hormone replacement therapy and age, my skin has softened and the angles of my face have rounded, Naturally, I need less makeup when we go out although I still wear more than Liz. Since Liz is a former "Avon" makeup sales person, she still retains a knowledge of the artform.

She has been threatening to do a makeup job on both of us before we go out. I can't wait for her to work her magic. 

Revoked

 This morning my partner Liz and I had a new refrigerator delivered and it was a clown show.

First of all, the refrigerator was damaged. Since our hands were tied and we needed cooling for our food of course, we have to wait two more days for another unit. So we accepted the one which was delivered. 

The clowns who delivered it weren't done though. We paid extra for them to take the old refrigerator away and they left it. When questioned, they said they couldn't get it past the gate the new one just came through. 

I just couldn't accept the fact the whole process would have been different if there would have been a "man" in the house. I felt helpless to provide much backing. 

I know "back in the day" as a guy I could have made a difference. Overall, I still wouldn't trade where I am.

I knew going into my transgender transition, losing my male privilege's would be the most difficult part.  

Loss of Status

I have written numerous times here in Cyrsti's Condo concerning how crucial it is to be careful when you first begin to explore the feminine world. 

You lose many things when you cross the gender frontier and lose your male privileges.  The most important one to consider is your own personal security. In society, the feminine gender is simply the one which becomes the target for physical and emotional abuse.

My idea's on the subject were brought up again when I read a post from Mandy and her experience in a coin shop. To make a long story short, she encountered a questionable man who was trying to buy her coins instead of the store. Mandy has her own very long hair, painted nails and has no problem "passing" as a woman. On this occasion, perhaps "passing" could be the least of her problems. Fortunately the store clerk got rid of the man in question and Mandy even noted his license plate when he left.

Over the years I have noted my own close calls with the public when I first began to come out. In particular, I wrote about the near altercation I had with two men outside a gay bar late one night in downtown Dayton, Ohio. I paid my way out of that with the last five dollars I had in my purse. The next time I went to the same area in my long black skirt with a deep slit, matching sleeveless tank top and long straight flowing dark wig, I asked for support when I left. I was meeting two lesbians and I asked them to walk me to my car. Which they gladly did.

All transgender women should learn quickly to park in lighted areas, as close as possible to your destination. In other words, do not make yourself a target. It's a double edged sword because if you look too good you could be a target. Or, if someone clocks you as a transgender woman, trouble could erupt again.

Some trans women I know, as well as cis women too go to the drastic step of carrying self protection. From pepper spray to fire arms I have heard it all. My partner Liz (who has martial arts training) has purchase long pointed objects to go on our key chains in case something happens. 

Also, bars and taverns around the country are placing warning signs in the women's restrooms to provide possible help to women in need.(left)

How sad is it any of this has to happen. Or sadder yet I have to write about it.

Just be aware when you transition, your greatest privilege loss could be your personal security. 

Who Are You Really?

 As transgender women and men, who we really are at times causes us significant mental duress. 

Liz and I

I know with me, it took me nearly fifty years to finally come to the conclusion I was living life as a lie as I desperately tried to hang on to the remaining vestiges of my life as a guy. The problem I had was, every now and then I would have a pleasurable male experience or enjoyed a bit of the white male privilege I thought I had earned. During those moments, I would question why I would want to give it all up and enter the feminine world. Of course all of it caused me great stress which I ended up labeling gender dysphoria. 

As I have written in depth before here in Cyrsti's Condo, all of my gender stress and tension led me to a very active suicide attempt. 

It's no surprise too, so many transgender folk go back and forth wondering about their gender choices. After all, there

are too many instances of transitioning trans women or men losing family and/or jobs.  Too many become desperately lonely. 

It's tough, we are stuck in one of the most difficult journeys a human being can make. It's so difficult and complex, we have a very tough time even explaining to others we didn't have a choice to journey down the gender path we are on. 

My answer to who I am in reality comes in a large part from my interaction with my partner Liz. When my gender dysphoria is getting me down, she reminds me in so many ways I am so much more of a girl than she is. 

I am also fortunate to have the effects of my hormone replacement therapy to fall back on. When I awake in the morning I have the immediate reality of my hair and breasts reminding me of who I have become. As shallow as at of that may seem, the bottom line is through all of this I am just me.

These days though it's easier to express me in a truer form in the public's eye. It's who I really am.  

The Time of Discovery

This week by chance, I have encountered not one but two individuals close to my age strongly considering following  seriously their feminine gender urges. Perhaps you noticed  I didn't use the transgender word to describe either because they didn't.  Both were so new in their explorations, I think they were involved in the brave new world of gender exploration, they didn't know where they were on the journey. 

One discussion was involved with how my initial results went when I first started hormone replacement therapy. It seemed, the person had started some sort of hormones without a doctors guidance by obtaining non prescription meds. Of course I  passed along my usual warning concerning starting the HRT without medical guidance could be hazardous to one's overall health. Secondly, she wanted to know how fast the effects of the hormones showed to the point of not being able to hide my gender changes any longer.

In my case, although everyone's case is different, minimum dosages of estradiol and a testosterone blocker within six months produced effects which were hard to hide. My skin and face softened, my hair grew long enough for a pony tail and of course my budding breast growth was getting harder and harder to hide. There was a definite difference for me of having "man boobs" and the feminine set of breasts I was magically growing. To make a long story short, I was forced out of my male closet and into my authentic self faster than I ever imagined. At this time, after my wife passed away, I was living by myself and my two dogs didn't care what I looked like. So, I didn't have an  un-supporting  spouse to worry about. 

The second person, is local and seemed to be very impressed she had found a supporting group of individuals who are transgender, questioning or cross dressing folk. Ironically, she was drafted into the Army nearly the same time I was in 1971.  At the time, the problem of going into the Army seemed as if it would be the worst possible move as I tried to deal with my mis-understood gender dysphoria. Years later though, I still reap the benefits of my service by taking advantage of Veteran's Administration health.

Overall, I was able to provide a positive look into what a transgender life can look like if certain factors come into line.  At least, that is my goal.

I'm very comfortable pointing out to people too, the whole gender transition process I went through was no walk in the park and I went through my share of doubts and dark days. 

The whole process of discovering my true self proved to be very  satisfying for me. The alternative of cross dressing and acting like a man would have led me to an early grave. 

Shock and Awe?

 Naturally enough, there are many ways to "come out" to family and friends. I have known many transgender women who have decided to come out gradually. In other words, they decide to tell a few people at a time before they decide to tell more. 

Others rely on the "shock and awe" method which means just showing up as your authentic self  and let the fall out happen. I am far from an expert because I just waited for most of all the people around me to die, so I didn't have many people to tell. For obvious reasons, I don't recommend that method. 

Others (such as Connie) were fortunate to have another person to pave the way for them:

"I have to say that I don't know that I could have made my Thanksgiving "debut" had it not been for my wife's help. She paved the way for me by talking to my daughters well ahead of time, giving them the opportunity to prepare their kids and husbands. I never would have just shown up with a big surprise for everyone, and I would caution anyone who might consider coming out in that way, as well.

There's not a good way to come out - to family, or any other group of people. I would say, though, that there is one bad way to come out. Doing so with the attitude that it's "all about me" is bound to lead to disappointment. From the beginning, I have approached my transition as a responsibility. Every individual relationship from the past is going to change, and it is up to me to do my best to recognize and accept the feelings of each person. How I react to them is what will determine our "new" relationship. Above all, one needs to keep in mind that what has taken maybe years - even decades - for self-acceptance cannot possibly be absorbed instantaneously by another. Even if I've decided that "what you see is what you get," what I get back will always depend on the work I put into each relationship.

The way I've gone about things would probably not make for a great Hallmark production. Nothing can be tightly wrapped up in a two-hour episode; more like The Never Ending Story. "

A reminder, I tried a process similar to Connie's when it came to coming out to him and his extended family and he turned me down. We haven't spoken since. The whole process was and is nothing I am proud of. 

It turns out, the coming out process is as complex as being transgender itself.

Just My Imagination

A couple of days ago, my endocrinologist called me back with the results of my recent laboratory visit to have the vampires check my blood. 

To my surprise she told me my estradiol level had risen from the last time she prescribed me new patches from a low of "40" to "80" currently. 

Since I am very poor in asking relevant questions such as what should my levels be, I went to Google and received this answer:

"For transgender women, the Endocrine Society guidelines define the target range of estradiol as 100–200 pg/mL (367–734 pmol/L)¹; as many providers in our practice do not titrate therapy when estradiol levels are above 90 pg/mL (330 pmol/L), the range of 90–200 pg/mL (330–734 pmol/L) was used to define effective"

So, I guess because of those levels, she prescribed me adding one more patch I add to my body twice a week. I am prescribed (by the VA) Alora 1 mg patches. Each of the patches contains 3.1 mg of estradiol which is released over a 3 to 4 day period. I am fortunate I guess in that I haven't had any problems with the patches staying on. Because the next step would be me giving myself injections. I definitely have a problem with needles. 

Actually all these facts and figures are a way for me to understand the advanced gender transition I am going through. If the last time I received permission to increase my dosage is any indication, I can expect more changes again.

Of course the first time I added the extra patch, I imagined I felt an added fullness in my breasts and hip area. Realistically I know changes do occur over a period of time and not the first days. 

Plus I do know the risks of Hormone Replacement Therapy at my age. So does my Endo Doc I guess since wants to check my blood hormone levels in a month.

In the meantime, I will have to try to keep my imagination in check.  

Finally, statistics are showing nearly one in ten transgender individuals are using "underground" or un regulated hormones to aid their transition. Please be careful!

Weekend

It's amazing under the quarantine for Covid 19 how fast the weeks come and go. It seems like yesterday when I was enjoying a frosty blended Margarita on the patio of our favorite restaurant. When it was last Saturday. Now it seems, the only trips outside the house I have are my walks in the morning and the occasional medical visit. Which are even rarer since I even see my therapist now on a VA televisit set up. 

Next week, I have a virtual therapist appointment and the pre mentioned Mammogram to go to. In the meantime, I am still awaiting word on how my hormone tests went from my Endocrinologist. For some reason, in the past, the results have not been recorded on a VA on line site which contains all my personal records. 

Just in case, I called the Endo doc's nurse and told her I went to have the prescribed blood labs done and (by the way) I have been thrilled with the results so far. Even my partner Liz has commented she has noticed the changes going on. 

I wonder when the virus finally moves on, I will look back on this period of quarantine on the Cyrsti's Condo blog and wonder just how this transgender woman found things to write about. 

Since my Mtf gender transition has taken me past the predominant makeup and clothes topics, it has been tough.

Mommies' Little Girl

This is actually from 2010 and was reposted in 2012 and has always been received well, so here we go again. It was actually called, "What Kind of Daughter Did Your Mom Want?"

This picture was from the end of
my "blond period" about 5 years ago
and was only taken as a response to
those "who wanted to see more of me"
As you can see the quality is terrible.

"Yes girlfriends, I'm talking about us. Some Mom's really wanted a daughter and dressed some of us as girls. Some Mom's may have found it interesting to relate to us on some level as a girl and let us in on a little makeup or clothes. Other Mom's may have shut us out all together.

All of the mother/son interaction intrigues me because of a couple of reasons. The first would be the simple question of why me? Did my Mom set me up for all of this? (My brother believes she did). The second would be is how much I look like her. How many of you believe your Mom knowingly or even unknowingly opened your door into a female world? I remember vividly the way my Mom blotted her lipstick and made sure the rest of her outfit was together before she went out. I would bet you my brother doesn't!

 The age old question-environment or genetics? Was I predisposed to be trans? Most likely it's a question I will never know. (Update! Perhaps the DES drug my Mom very well could have taken during her pregnancy could been the answer.) Maybe the whole "daughter" question explains my total lack of respect for women who do not take care of themselves. This girl was raised believing that appearance was part of the female gender.

My Mom passed away years ago and I believe in two sure facts. She would like the fact I try to keep up a good appearance. She would hate the fact I'm a lot like some of the girls I brought home she didn't like and live a very wide open lifestyle. Neither Mom or me or even my daughter are shy women."

We Got Mail!

Thanks to three of you girls who responded to my post on the Uni-Sex bathroom at the Cincinnati Pride:

1. Mandy ShermanJune 25, 2018 at 1:08 PM

   "Sounds like a good time was had despite the issue! And that everyone was tolerant... "
   
   Mandy

   They had no choice :) but I don't think some were happy about it! All in all, it was the great equalizer.
2. 
   Michelle HartJune 25, 2018 at 3:33 PM

   "I have to agree about "T" being very evident at both the Polk Pride event and at the St Pete Pride. There were still a smathering of Queens in their getups but I saw an almost 50-50 mix of MtF as well as FtM."
3.             Great!
4. 
   
5. 
   FABULOUSCONNIEDEEJune 25, 2018 at 3:33 PM

   "It took a lot of pressure off..." So to speak. huh? :-)
   
   Here in Seattle, the big parade was yesterday. I chose, instead, to attend a "Celebration of Life" for an old friend of mine who passed away a couple of weeks ago. It seems that I could document my own transition along with the critical illnesses and deaths of family and friends over the last ten years. Each one has its own significance, and each one has led to my introduction to others who had never met me as I am (though, many of them had heard about my transition through the grapevine). Yesterday was no exception, and I guess I kind of had my own pride parade as I walked around the room with the purpose of introducing myself. Ya know, you have to have some pride in order to be able to do that!
   
   Getting the "You're so brave" comment from others seems to always come up. I try to explain that it's not so much bravery as it is the confidence I have in who I am, and, with thought of pride, I am also proud to be who I am. Some of the people I talked with would never even have considered attending a pride event, but they got a dose of it from me yesterday, anyway!
   
   The results of my efforts were mixed, but the worst I received was indifference. There was one man, a "born-again Christian," who was quite pleasant, albeit not totally accepting (I don't believe) of what I am "doing." That's fine with me, and I did receive a few hugs from others to make up for it.
   
   The last time I saw my departed friend was just a few days before he died of the terrible cancer that had ravaged his body. He was so frail, yet he made the effort to stand up and give me a big hug as I was leaving his house. This surprised me, as we had only seen each other once before since I began transitioning. Prior to that, he had had no desire to even see me. We were friends for forty years, but when he heard that I was transitioning, he apparently envisioned something disgusting and repulsive. When we did finally meet a couple years ago (at another funeral, by the way), I heard later that he'd told his wife, "Well, that was sure anticlimactic." Very shortly after that, he was diagnosed with the cancer that eventually took his life, but we still didn't meet again until just before his death. That hug we shared, though, made up for all the lost time.
   
   If there's a moral to this recounting, I think it's that we need to remember that pride is so much more than a yearly event. Being proud oneself shows through to others every day of the year, and the icing on that cake is when you learn that someone else is also proud to know you....just the way you are. "
6.             Sorry for the loss of your friends!
   

Putting a Roof on Your House

Since we have been spending all this time in Cyrsti's Condo discussing the walls we have to climb as we attempt one of the most difficult transitions a human can make...changing genders. It's time to move on.

Let's assume now, we have built and climbed our four walls, and now it's time to build a roof to keep the rain (or tears) off our bodies.

Hopefully all your doors and windows work well and the light is finally illuminating the dark closet you have been living in.

One thing about our transgender transition is, it never seems to be over. As we build our roof, it's time to decide to change our gender markers. Changing your gender markers varies deeply from state to state and country to country (for you international readers.)

Old Halloween picture ...super red drag wig and dear friend!

For example, here in my native Ohio, most gender marker changes were relatively painless and simple...until you get to Ohio's ridiculous rules on birth certificates. Here, we are not able to change our birth gender at all. I do know one person who is threatening to take the system to court because she was declared pregnant by the Veteran's Administration following her blood tests. I will let you know how it goes.

Speaking of the "VA", even the system there wasn't too hard to work in my advantage and now I'm listed as "female" in the system.

So, if you consider gender markers being my transgender roof, I have gone as far as I can in getting things done and secure. Every once in a while, my dead name will show up on something, but not often.

As with any structure though, your work and upkeep seems to be never ending. I'm sure we will have more to come!

Growing Up Trans on PBS

I missed the first episode of "Growing Up Trans" yesterday on PBS. But I am sure I will have the chance to see it later. 

It's an all too familiar story: "

 It was kind of like a double life,” young transgender girl Ariel  told  FRONTLINE in Growing Up Trans, a new documentary which premiered Tuesday, June 30, at 10 p.m. EST on PBS 

She went on to say:  “I think a lot of people are completely just comfortable and fluid, but for me, I was really scared.”

'Ariel is one of eight kids, ranging in age from nine to 19, who share their stories in Growing Up Trans. With children transitioning at younger and younger ages, and with more medical options available to them and their parents than ever before, the 90-minute documentary explores the complicated struggles and choices facing families as they navigate the changing and complex world of gender and identity.

For Ariel, who began living publicly as a girl at age 11, the process has not always been easy.

“It’s harder, teasing and bullying-wise, when you’re a girlie boy, when you’re in that in-between stage, than when you’ve fully transitioned,” Ariel says.'

For more, follow the link above!

Cyrsti's Condo "Library"

Recently I found this site which may be of interest to many of you from Transgress Press.


So far though, I did not see any of their publications directed towards senior transgender or the "baby booming"  transitioning folk. However, this one caught my eye! Transgender partners (be they male or female) get no love either!

Follow the link above for a closer look!

Casper - The Furry Ghost

It's 80 degrees around here this week and (to quote an old advertising slogan)- my number one fashion accessory becomes my skin. 

I have a problem. Recently, my partner Liz with all the kindness and gentleness she could muster said "So, what are you going to do with all that "fur" on your skin? And. oh by the way, what did you do with the "Jergens" Natural Glow moisturizer I got you????

"Nuff said!" I know she is fairly sure I need a brick up the side of the head to get my attention: But this time I caught the meaning immediately I may want to rid myself of body hair and Casper the Winter Ghost skin. All of it is extra important this summer (as I have written here in Cyrsti's Condo) because I see this summer as my biggest "coming out" party yet.

Of course doing all the hair removal prep is just a matter of not procrastinating. Plus, since I never wear panty hose of any kind, I need to do an extra better job. It's not like I wear short skirts of any kind but I do have several "fave" longer skirts which feel great with shaved legs and no hose. 

Then, there are the pesky under arm areas to take care of plus the remainder of my arm hair which HRT hasn't taken care of.

So, once again, this girl "thang" ain't easy as any generic will tell you but I can only say I'm thrilled beyond words to be able to transition into this summer. My diet has actually helped to give me a real live feminine shape too. I am like a kid with a new toy, or at least one just back from the repair shop.

Casper doesn't really scare me much either. After all just think of everything else I have been through on my transgender journey.  Many other things were much scarier! 

Yahoo has a whole beauty link to having no hair! See it here.

More Than One Kind of Transition?

Earlier today in one of my email boxes I saw an email with the title "Transitioning?"  It came from a source which posts veterans job openings, so I took a look:

Hello ,

Like you, I too served to protect our nation.  Now it is my mission to help connect veterans with career opportunities like this one with the Central Intelligence Agency.
          ~ Jasen Williams, Marine Corps Veteran

TRANSITIONING? SERVE UNDER ANOTHER SYMBOL OF NATIONAL SECURITY.

Somehow I don't think the CIA is recruiting transgender women or men transitioning their gender!

I Didn't Have to Practice

I have two people in my life who have had a difficult time adjusting to who I am. Both from different perspectives.

One is from my distant cross dressing past and the other my deceased wife's sister.  I'm fairly sure I mention them too often here in Cyrsti's Condo.  So, to cut straight to my point, I'm about ready to cut ties with one (sister in law) and on occasion think I'm getting my point across to the other.

Here is the example.  He often sends me YouTube videos of mainly drag queen transformations and critiques them heavily.  Not a problem with that. If I have the time to watch them, I do too.  Today though, he sent me a fairly simple straight forward video involving an effeminate blond man.  I replied, I wish I had his skin and build to work with. He replied back "except the nose." I said wow! That was quite the catty comment, better pull in those claws.

What really got to me was he said "you must be practicing on your feminine responses."  I became more than a little frustrated and said "when will you learn, I'm way past the practice mode."  I just let my natural self come out and here she is. 

Ironically, the whole point fits in well into my Frock Magazine series about transitioning later in life. Indeed what have been my biggest surprises? One was when I found building a new circle of friends was easier to rebuild from scratch; than to babysit the few remaining ones I still had. Who for the most part refused to even consider I wasn't going through some sort of a late mid life gender crises.  (Like the two above.)

So no, I didn't have to practice much. My friends brought the real me out of me. I had it easy. Not having to practice per se' just was icing on the cake. I knew quickly I was doing the right thing.

The pleasant surprise was I didn't know I was getting it this right.