Merry Christmas

 

Christmas Party Image
My wife Liz on right.

Or should I say Happy Holidays to those of you who may prefer it. I am not particularly religious but deeply spiritual.   

No matter how you worship, or don't, hopefully, you were able to spend your day with family, adopted or not and find satisfaction. 

Now, it's time to say how deeply grateful I am to all of you who take the time to stop your day and browse my writings on whatever internet platform you choose.

Perhaps today also you can take the opportunity to pause all the drama which normally comes with the season and discover the blessings you may have. 

As I sit here watching the "Yule Log" on TV and getting my fill of Christmas music and I have my copy of "It's a Wonderful World" cued up (along with a Christmas Story) I'm ready to enjoy a mellow Christmas Day, thinking of you all.

 

 

Under Twinkling Holiday Lights

Image courtesy Clifton Mill 

In my past, when I was progressing down my very difficult gender path and leaving my old male self behind, I began to try to experience new and exciting things. 

Part of my plan was to experience activities I enjoyed as a man and experience them as my new feminine self who was enjoying the time in the public's eye. Keep in mind she did not  know how being in public would work at all. She had so little time having done it. 

One of the activities my second wife and I enjoyed doing on a regular basis was taking the short trip to a vintage working grist mill It has become famous in the area for it's Christmas decorations To put it all into perspective, the venue says there are four million lights although I don't know who is patient enough to count them all. None of that mattered to me as I planned for my chance to experience life as my authentic self which was becoming much more than an impossible dream. At the time, my second wife had not passed away as yet and I was very much sneaking around behind her back when I cross dressed as a woman and left the house. I arranged my work schedule to have a rare Friday night off, knowing she would have to work because she was in retail as a manager of a major book store. My plan worked to perfection and in the holiday season hustle and bustle she indeed had to work. She knew all along of my cross -dressing desires but drew the line at me going public as my feminine self. 

As the time went by, I needed to plan what I was going to wear for this all-important evening. I needed to plan for the weather and for my comfort at the same time. I knew the parking situation at the Mill was not the best and I would need to walk a distance to see the lights and holiday displays. For the evening, which turned to be an ideal mid-December, chilly winter evening. The moon and stars were out and I was ready for the magic which was coming my way. But first things first, I had to choose my warmest, fuzziest sweater, leggings and comfortable boots which were suitable for walking. After putting on my clothes and makeup I thought I looked the part of an upscale woman out for a night at the Mill. Little did I know how wonderful the evening would turn out to be. Under the sparling stars and twinkling Christmas lights I finally would have the chance to live as the feminine transgender person I always felt I could be. 

Of course, the first obstacle I needed to conquer was the fairly simple task of stopping and waiting in line for a much-needed hot cocoa with marshmallows. Once I reached the front of the line, I was so nervous, I could barely order. I summoned every ounce of my courage to tell the woman behind the counter and in a low voice ordered my beverage. I was happy and my confidence grew when she smiled at me, took my money, and gave me my drink, and she even wished me a Happy Holidays.  From then on, I had to make a conscious effort to slow the evening down because I was moving so fast and not enjoying the moment as much as I should. From then on I slowed down and enjoyed being in the public's eye as the feminine person I always wanted to be. To celebrate, I even splurged and stopped at another concession for hot cocoa. 

What I remember the most about the whole experience was how heightened my senses were. The lights were brighter and twinkled even better than before. The only thing missing was a visit from Santa Claus himself. He was scheduled to appear later, much to the joy of all the kids in the crowd. In the meantime, I was able to shop the Mill's gift shop but could not buy anything for several reasons. The main one being having my wife questioning what I was doing there in the first place without her.

Before I knew it, I had seen all the animated attractions, plus the Santa doll display. All in full view of an accepting world which was a first for me. From that point forward I had the confidence to do more and more towards exploring the world as the person I always wanted to be. When I had the chance, I started to do the rest of my Christmas shopping as a transgender woman. I look back on my trip to the Mill as the beginning of a wonderful lifetime transformation. I discovered I could be me no matter how difficult the path may prove to be. Discovering the basic differences, the binary genders deal with was a major path to follow.

In many ways, the excitement of the first evening under the holiday lights would be a wonderful beginning to the life I was always destined to live. It was never as easy as walking among the crowds of people un-noticed sipping a hot drink, it was enjoying the totality of being myself. Which would become so increasingly complex as the years progressed in my life. All in all, the holidays lights were a wonderful, even magical beginning to a better life. Without knowing it, I was giving myself a wonderful holiday gift my inner self was wishing for. 

Sadly, time was up too soon and I had to head home to beat my wife there as well as take all vestiges of my makeup off my face. I knew one thing; I couldn't wait to experience such a fun night out again.  

A Night at the Orchestra

 

Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra

Admittedly, my life as a music fan had leaned towards the classic rock genre. The closest I had been to a concert venue was years before when I went to a Halloween late night silent movie horror show dressed as a shabby prostitute. Now...

When I began to seriously date and live with Liz (now my wife), she expanded my horizons since she was a fan of all sorts of music including the classic and or orchestral scene. It turned out, she wanted someone to go with to see the Cincinnati orchestra's holiday concert. Without thinking of all the ramifications, I quickly agreed to go with her. 

The ramifications I am talking about were back in those days, I was still very much a novice as a public transgender woman. Plus I didn't have anything to wear to an event which ranged from semi-formal to formal. To find something to wear on a very limited budget, I set out on the improbable task of finding an outfit in a thrift store. Amazingly, I did find a black, very sparkly long dress which I could wear with a fringed shawl and for better or for worse I was ready to go. I finished off my black formal look with black tights and comfortable black flats for walking. Once my outfit had been decided, the toughest part was yet to come. 

Getting there was a different story. As I remember, public transportation was available for us to come close to the Music Hall where the performance was to take place. As always my limited mobility issues were a problem as we needed to arrive as close as possible. Plus, by using public transportation we could save money also as Cincinnati has a street car which runs close to the front of Music Hall but it didn't run late enough to help us in the return journey. What we did was decide to do was hail a taxi cab to take us to our next stop. Once we had the logistics of arriving and departing the concert, I needed to concentrate on the paranoia I was feeling about facing the public as a transgender woman in a totally foreign situation. 

Very soon, it was time to attempt to put my fears behind me and enjoy myself. Regardless of my fears, I think most of the public at the concert were in their own worlds and not mine. When that realization sat in, I was able to be impressed by the musical concert. It certainly was not all about me. 

The next stop for our evening was going to be a bit more difficult. First, we had to negotiate a crowd of people attempting to hail a cab. Our second stop or venue was approximately ten or more blocks away and was a place we had been to before so I felt comfortable ahead of time. We had a great time again and all to soon it was time for the trip home. Since we did not want to drink and drive, we ended up taking an Uber ride home. 

After the concert experience I had, I considered it one of the most defining experiences of my novice transgender life. I learned I could put my fears behind me and live a life I had always dreamed of. Overall, I had a great time and experienced a night I will never forget and for the year put me in a first- class holiday state of mind.

Thanksgiving and Beyond

Image from Kevin Dowling
on UnSplash

 As much as Thanksgiving was always a given as a time to meet up with family and eat a delicious feast.  Early on, the day was more enjoyable because one of my right wing nephews at that time did not want to start a political argument with me. 

Through it all, in the back of my mind, I knew something was wrong. In my own way, I was engaging in impostor syndrome. I wasn't the man I was portraying to be. Each year I used alcohol to dim the pain and move on the best I could. Even though I had very little control over Thanksgiving itself, there was a day I still thought eventually I may have some control over. The day in question was the Black Friday shopping event my second wife always insisted on going to. This all happened in the latter part of 2005.

Finally, I waited long enough or persisted long enough I was able to try out a Black Friday shopping experience on my own at a well known mall close to where I lived. My opportunity to cross another feminine experience off of my novice transgender woman check list came when I learned my wife (who worked in retail) had to work on Black Friday morning. Suddenly, since I didn't go in to my job until late in the afternoon, I had my chance to experience the shopping madness which was Black Friday as a woman.

When the day finally arrived and my wife left for work, my time to get dressed in my best sweater, skirt and comfortable shoes, added my blond wig, sensible make up and was ready to go. I was excited about finally having the chance to again live my dream. 

Once I arrived at the mall, predictably parking spots were at a premium but I finally found one. From there I had to gather my courage and enter the mall. Once I was in the shopping area, all my nerves faded away and I was able to concentrate on the relatively short time I had to fulfill a long term dream of mine. I wanted to experience the estrogen laden atmosphere of Black Friday.

All too soon, as I browsed a few of the stores for a gift or two, I found in particular no one paid me any attention at all. It was so crowded with mainly women, I was able to blend in with no problem. It was time for me to return to my boring unwanted male life and move on back to my impostor syndrome. I was learning I was never a guy cross dressing as a woman. I was a woman cross dressing as a guy.  

After I went into my work and became immersed in my job, at the least I was still mentally able to bask in the glow of being able to live out one of my big feminine dreams... to experience a Black Friday shopping experience as a transgender woman. As it turned out, my start to the holiday season was destined to grow and grow into one of the major holidays for me. Replacing even Halloween. Throughout the month of December, I will be writing more in depth about my times as I grew into a fulltime trans woman.

Mental Health and the Holidays

 

It doesn't take an expert to know we are entering the most difficult time of the year for transgender and/or LGBTQ individuals.

During this approaching time, many in the community face the truth of having no close family any more to celebrate the holidays with. It happened to me when my only sibling (a brother) and his wife decided not to invite me to the annual Thanksgiving Day family feast. We have not spoken since and that was ten years ago. What made it hurt even worse was my deceased second wife used to take it upon herself to cook and feed everyone for years.

Similar to so many aspects of me coming out, I was fortunate in I had a backup plan. What happened was my daughter and my partner (future wife) included me in their families. An improbable happening especially when I needed to mix in with Liz's heavily right wing conservative father. He has since passed on leaving me to forever wonder what he really thought of me. 

So destiny led me out of a potentially bad situation with my own often fragile mental health. As you may, or may not recall, years ago I was diagnosed with a bi-polar disorder along with having more than my share of anxiety. Again destiny stepped in and helped me cope with my mental health . I was nearly completely broke and could not afford my medications when a fellow veteran friend of mine suggested I take advantage of the Veteran's Administration health care. I did and again I was fortunate when I was assigned to a VA therapist who was able to separate my gender issues with my mental ones.

As I said, I was one of the fortunate LGBT or transgender community members who was able to cope with lots of help. To this day LGBTQ women and men are subject to much more substance abuse than the rest of the population because of reasons such as harassment, discrimination,  negative stigma and lack of family support. The basis for the information comes from a site called "LGBTQ+ Substance Abuse and Mental Health Resources"  Thanks to Enmanuel from FloridaRehab.com for the heads up for the site.

I make no secret of the fact I used to be very self destructive due to all the issues I dealt with in my life. From reckless driving in my cars all the way to trying to commit suicide with pills, I had a total disregard for my life. Plus, there weren't the outreach programs available in the pre internet/social media years which I lived through or groups of like minded individuals who provide social activities. Often, if you live close to populated areas, there are organizations you can take advantage of. 

Please, as the holidays approach, see what you can do to help your mental health.  There are sources available.

Happy Holidays

 As I sit here warm and safe in what is left of our Artic climate watching "A Christmas Story" my favorite

Happy Holidays from Liz and I

holiday movie, I need to pause a moment and wish all of you a Merry Christmas. Or whatever holiday you celebrate this time of year.

"A Christmas Story" always resonated with me because of several reasons. I suppose the next to biggest one is the fact the movie took place in about the same period of time which I went through growing up. Complete with the festive downtown department store Christmas windows with electric trains and other kids gifts such as dolls and BB Guns. The biggest draw from the movie was even in the earliest days of my existence, something deep down inside told me I would rather have the doll rather than the BB Gun. Ralphie, the young star of the movie was just the opposite and wanted the air gun badly. Unlike Ralphie I was disappointed when I was gifted with the gun. On the other hand I couldn't imagine ever admitting to my parents I wanted anything such as a doll for Christmas. 

The only thing I remember happening with the BB Gun was a couple of sparrows were terrorized and my brother shot me in the arm once. Who knows what would have become of a doll since the only siblings in the family were my brother and I.

I would be remiss if I wrote a Christmas post without mentioning all of you transgender or LGBTQ individuals who may have lost your families for any number of reasons. I have my own point of reference since my brother and his side of the family refused to accept my new feminine authentic self. I quickly moved on and it was their loss. Blood family or not, I hope you have someone to spend the holidays with, or at the least think about you.

Another Holiday photo I would like to share here on the blog is from long time reader and fellow blogger Paula Godwin from the UK. She writes the transgender "Paula's Place" blog.

Happy Holidays!

What I Wear

As I look back on my archived blog posts from years ago, I see many which zeroed in what I was wearing at the time or when I went out into a brave new feminine world. My, how times have changed.

Liz and I at Christmas Dinner

My thoughts are it all has to do with a more or less natural transgender transition, if there is such a thing. Recently it seems I have dwelled on the point I was so zeroed in on how I looked initially when I began to pursue all the work it would take to live a feminine life. The trip at times was an all encompassing journey.  Nearly all of my spare time was spent on trying on my collection of female clothes and trying new ways of applying makeup. 

As I grew, it became increasingly evident to me while what I wore was important, it was decreasing in it's overall importance. Being a girl was becoming so much more important than looking like one. It turned out my feminine appearance was useful in getting by in the world but did not help with my overall problems with gender dysphoria. In fact sometimes it made it worse. Following the times I was very successful in my feminine presentation often I would fall into a deep depression. The more I was successful, the more I wanted to do. The depression was incredibly self destructive and led me to anger issues I internalized until I couldn't take it anymore and began to take my frustrations out on others. The whole process led me to nearly lose jobs or go into frenetic moves looking for new jobs. It took me years to understand completely what was going on. 

These days, since I have been living a fulltime life as a transgender woman for years now, what I wear has become less important to me. Of course any vestiges of my male wardrobe are long gone and I have settled into what is comfortable yet having some sort of style. An example is today I am wearing one of my favorite warm cowl neck sweaters with my black leggings and boots. Ironically even this is being dressed up for me because we are planning to go out and run some errands this afternoon. 

On occasion I miss the buzz I experienced when I first started my gender transition. An example is I follow  @Anna B on Medium who often writes in depth on what she is wearing.  As I said many times I envy her learning curve she is going through as she struggles to find her way. 

I suppose being transfixed with what we wear as cross dressers or novice transgender women is a natural part of growing older. My wife Liz is a prime example. She has seen me at my best and my worst so if I am only going to see in in a day, I naturally spend less time on my appearance. Hormone replacement therapy has helped me also. The process softened my skin and facial lines requiring less makeup. I use a basic moisturizer, eye makeup, lipstick then brush out my hair and I am ready to face the world. 

So what I wear is quite simple these days.

The Most Difficult Post?

 Seemingly the Christmas Day post here in Cyrsti's Condo would be one of the easier ones to write. But, it just isn't. 

I know for many in the LGBTQ community the day brings back memories of ex-blood families who have rejected us. Of course I have documented many times  how my brother and his family did not support me when I came out to them as transgender. These days the extended family I have developed have more than replaced what I have lost from my brother. 

The bigger loss to me were the frenetic times I spent with my deceased wife whose favorite holiday by far was Christmas. All the memories now are so fond and bring back such great memories, it makes Christmas one of the more difficult times of the year for me too. As much as I try to make it as close to any other day as possible, I just don't want to.

Even my daughter quit celebrating the Christmas holiday when she converted  to Judaism. This Christmas she is spending in Alaska with her kids on some sort of a glacier. That leaves just me, Liz and her son to feast on a holiday ham. As far as ham goes, we now have an embarrassment of riches. We bought one on our pickup from our main grocery store was shorted on our order. So it was deducted and we went down the street to another store and bought one. Then when we returned home and found the ham they shorted us. Finally, to make matters even more ridiculous, Liz was gifted a large ham or turkey from her company.   So either we have enough protein to last through June or we donate one of the hams to a local food pantry.

So much for our positive food issues. Let's get to the important part of this post. I hope you all have a meaningful holiday, however you decide to celebrate it!

A Holiday Reminder

 I am sharing this post I found on the "Kira Moore" WordPress  blog which spotlights the problems and loneliness many transgender women and men feel. Especially during the holidays when they have been ostracized by their families:

  

Giving Thanks

For many in the United States Thanksgiving is a bittersweet holiday. Especially in the transgender community. I am an example.

Over the years my deceased wife hosted the family for a Thanksgiving feast. Our door was open also to my employees who may not have a family to celebrate with. To put it all in perspective, one big turkey was never enough. Through it all, after my parents passed away, my extended family was my brother, his two sons and the kids of theirs (and mine) who followed. We had a big house I was restoring so we had a large space to set up in and all were still welcome.

For the most part these were fond memories until I transitioned. By this time my wife had passed away and the dinner had moved to my brother's house. Before I showed up as my authentic self for Thanksgiving, I called and talked to my brother. He said in essence he would always refer to me as my old self and he would get back with me concerning having an invitation at all. He never did and I never looked back. After all his in-laws were all right wing Southern Baptists. I guess he didn't want to stand up for me.

As I said, I never looked back. I found myself firmly entrenched in my partner Liz's family plus I was welcome in my accepting daughter's extended family. 

I know so  many in the LGBTQ community aren't so fortunate. Too  many are ostracized from their families and previous friends. Now it's not uncommon to refer to other "non-blood" folks as new family.

Whatever it takes, I hope you all are able to take a moment and celebrate your blessings.

Happy Thanksgiving and thanks for stopping by Cyrsti's Condo! I truly appreciate it.

Post Christmas Transgender Blues

 It turned out once my late wife started to give me a little support as a cross dresser, the last thing we normally did was a Christmas night gift exchange. Slowly it became my time to receive "girl" gifts. Perhaps you may remember me writing about the warm fuzzy sweaters I wore when I went out as a novice transgender woman. I cherished and took care of the sweaters she gave me so I had something nice to wear.

The gift exchange was definitely saving the best for last and once it was over, it was time to return to the boring male world I had to live in. The depression I felt was real after the gift shopping trips I had tried and the chances I had to add to my feminine wardrobe.

Fortunately, work stepped in and kept me occupied until New Years Eve which I will write about later. During most of this time, I managed a high volume casual dining chain restaurant and it took most of the knowledge and skill I could muster to operate it at a high level. 

At least when I was acting like the macho male manager I wasn't, time went by.  

Once I threw in a touch of alcohol to medicate the pain, I was able to sooth the Post Christmas Transgender Blues.

Merry Christmas!

 Of course, 2020 is throwing it's last best shot at us as we celebrate Christmas itself. 

Putting a big red bow on our Cyrsti's Condo Christmas past series, here is a look at a few of my past memories. 

Along the way, I was always the great procrastinator. I thrived on the pressure of finding a great gift at the last minute. So, all of the sudden, here I was out shopping in my fancy black pant's suit, blond wig and wool coat wondering just how much courage I could muster to pickup the perfect gift. 

As it turned out, the perfect gift that year turned out to be an oak book case which matched the oak roll top desk we had purchased for my wife earlier in the year. I ended up bravely going into an oak furniture store and finding what I was looking for. 

So far, I had done the easy part. Then I had to buy it and get it to the SUV and get it home. All before she returned home from work and I had to transition back to my guy self. 

Before all of that, I had to hitch up my big girl panties and approach a rather gruff guy to tell him what I wanted. Surprisingly enough, he smiled and offered to help me complete my purchase. Plus for the first time in my life, I didn't have to be the one who had to worry about carrying a heavy/bulky object to the SUV. My only task was opening the back of the vehicle. 

I made the fifty mile trip home in good shape, was able to find an ideal gift, and the saddest part of all, return to my boring male self before she returned home.

I hope this series of posts hasn't bored you too much. Plus I hope you have a festive and safe holiday season. 

Coming Up

 As we are firmly into the holiday season now for many of us, once again it is time to reflect back on the affects of the season on our gender preferences. 

For the longest time, I considered Halloween to be the major holiday of choice for cross dressers and novice transgender women. To be certain, it still is as far as coming out of the closet around select family and friends. 

Now though, I have been using the holidays to remember back over my past and the effects it had on my life. 

To make a couple long stories much shorter, coming up between now and Christmas, I plan on passing along several experiences I had along the way when I actually did pass as a feminine person and did my shopping. Also, how I now view the holidays as a bigger time for me than Halloween. Halloween provided me the spring board to thinking I "probably" could make it in public as a woman appearance wise. On the other hand, my holiday shopping adventures proved to me I could live life as a woman.

In essence both holidays provided an important process towards my development as a transgender woman. 

More will be coming later.

What Was I Thinking/

I still can't get enough of the decade just past. The more I think of it, the more I remember doing crazy things. A few I remember vividly.

When I first started seriously down the feminine road, very early I decided I really didn't like the gay bars I was going into. It was about that time I discovered two small lesbian bars I began to frequent. One of which was the equivalent of a dyke biker bar. To say the least, they hated me there. The other was a different story and was the venue where I was strongly encouraged to sing karaoke by a super butch lesbian in a cowboy hat. I was also told one night by another lesbian I was pretty cute and maybe I should go home with her.  The major problem was I had a spouse to go home to!

Them again, there was the one evening I will always regret not being able to experience. That night  a group of stripper were supposed to entertain at the bar one night. Unfortunately, my wife was due home and I had to get back and change back into my male self.

Along the way, a few guys (including one trans guy) did enter my life. It was quite the adjustment and one it turns out I didn't have to accept. Every time I turned around, it seemed my life pushed me towards lesbians.  One of the highlights was acting as a "wing person" for one of my lesbian friends.

About this time too, as I have written about before, is when I met Liz. I was coming out of an intensely sad period of my life. I had just lost my wife of twenty five years and three out of five of my closest male friends to heart disease and cancer. I met Liz on an on-line dating site eight years ago and we have been together ever since.

Here is a New Years Eve picture:

The final point I need to make was, how difficult the decade really was. As with anything else in life you remember the upside and have a tendency to downplay the downside. Like the time I went to a downtown urban summer festival one night in Dayton and another time I went to a Christmas festival in my favorite boots, leggings and sweater. I remember the excitement and satisfaction of living the feminine experience but not the loneliness of doing it alone.

The only words of wisdom I can offer are, no matter how lonely and lost you are, if you don't keep putting yourself out there, nothing will change!