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Image from Brian Kyed on UnSplash. |
At a certain moment in my life, I had reached the point of no return where I was living with two women, the one inside of me and my wife of twenty five years.
The question remains, how did I find myself in such an untenable, precarious situation. The answer was, it was not easy, and I really had to work hard to get there. Decades, to be exact. Once I pulled myself out of the mirror, and put her into the world, I knew I could never go back to being a parttime cross dresser. I could never live without her.
Many times, I have gone through the many steps I took on my path to transgender womanhood. To provide you all with a more precise look at my actions, we need to go back to the years when my second wife was still alive. What I began to do was sneak out of the house when she was working cross dressed in the world just to see if I could. After a very rough beginning, when I was laughed at, I began to get my high-heeled feet on the ground and do better. So much better, I began to think my ultimate goal of living as a transgender woman on my own terms may actually be possible.
From there, I began to spend every spare moment I had alone as who was to become my authentic self. I became so immersed in becoming a woman, I needed to concentrate on the times when I still had to be a man at work, or with my wife. The biggest problem I had was, deep down inside I knew which gender route I had to take to survive in the world, but I was afraid to face it. The fights between my wife and I became so bad, a couple times she just told me to be man enough to be a woman. I was not man enough to do it, but I was stubborn enough to keep trying to live a middle of the road gender life, which became impossible to maintain. My mental health suffered, and I began to be more self-destructive than I already was. All the way to attempting suicide one night.
Fortunately, I was not successful in my suicide attempt, and I proceeded down the same path I had been on before. This time taking my cross-dressing activities into my own restaurant and threatening my substantially good job. Again, deep down I felt if everyone knew of my deep, dark secret, I would be relieved of the hell I was living because I had to make a change away from the male life I was living.
Just before my wife suddenly died, I made one last ditch effort to partially purge myself of my femininizing supplies. I went all the way to growing a beard, so at least I was telling myself I was making an effort to return to the male world. However, there was one big problem, I was miserable and about the time I needed to go back into my feminine world, my wife suddenly and tragically passed away from a massive heart attack at work. Through all of our problems, I loved her deeply and we were married twenty-five years.
I often wonder what would have happened had she lived. I think now, my internal female would have won out and I would have completed my gender transition. She would have won because I felt so natural in the world as a transgender woman. When it came down to which woman I could not live with, I would have had to have chosen the woman I should have been all along and hopefully patched up my life with my second wife. So, at the least, we could have stayed friends.