Build the Plane before You Fly It.

 

Image from Miquel Angel
Hernadez on UnSplash. 

Early in my life I learned to build my gender plane before I tried to fly it.

When I was simply admiring myself in the mirror, life was easy, or so I thought. I could apply my makeup and put on my mini-skirt and journey to the mailbox, hoping the neighbors would not see me. Through it all, the mirror lied to me and said I looked wonderful even though I did not even have a wig. Even still, I kept going. Mainly because we lived in a very rural area and no one saw my mailbox adventures.

I suppose, during those days, I was merely experimenting with clothes and makeup, the same way any other young girl would do. The problem was, I had no one in my peer group to criticize me and help me to learn what was correct with make-up and fashion and it showed. I was attempting to fly my gender plane before it was fully built. The mirror never did any of it for me. It was simply there to tell me how good I looked.

It was not till much later in life, did I begin to replace the mirror with public feedback when it came to early adventures going out in the world as a transfeminine woman. I vividly remember all the nights I quickly returned home wiping the tears away after being followed by someone and laughed at. Mainly from teenaged girls. Somehow, I needed to keep taking my plane back to the drawing board to attempt to see what I was doing wrong. The good news is, I did begin to figure it out. I was dressing for the wrong gender. Trying to please men, when I should have been trying to please women. Out went the sleazy, ill-fitting clothes. Replaced by more sensible clothes as I did my best to cover my male poisoned body.

It worked as I began to blend into the world, as I gave myself the chance to experience my reality for a change. I was similar to the Wright Brothers during their first flights; I was not going far but I was doing it. During this time, my flights grew dramatically longer. I was finding my way out of the clothing stores where all they cared about was my money, all the way into restaurants where I had to interact with staff on a one-on-one basis. I was discovering how well my plane was built or not. Surely, I was still experiencing my ups and downs, but I was having more of the positive side of life.

The problem was, on my male side, he was still having success in his world with a very successful job. So, he wanted no part of helping to build a new gender plane. I was forced to build around him. Which made for a very shaky foundation. Especially for my already frail mental health. It hurt me deeply when I was flying high and he brought me back to earth with a crash. He even took me as far as an ill-fated suicide attempt.

In the short, and long term, I survived him and continued to build my plane, every time I thought I was done, there was more to do as I studied the nuances of living a transfeminine life. Adjusting to being passive aggressive alone to other women was a big adjustment, not to mention the communication issues I faced in the new world I was in. Other women were very curious about me and wanted to know what I was doing in their world. Very soon, my air space became very crowded with new people, mostly all women.

Many times, starting all over in life became a major challenge for me. I needed my plane to provide me with a better view of what was really happening in my life. I had too many fake, mean people to beware of. Even after all these years, my plane was still very fragile. Before I moved ahead any further, I just had to build in the inner strength I needed to pursue my dream of living fulltime as a transgender woman.

To accomplish my dream, I needed the friends I had found in my new life to do it. I always mention the Liz’s, Kim’s and Nicki’s of the world who helped more than they ever knew. It was all of them who finished building my plane more than I did and I will be forever grateful for them coming together to save me.

Growing up, I built plenty of model cars to look at and even race, but nothing helped me to prepare for the greatest building experience of my life. A gender transformation project which took me decades to complete. In fact, I am still working on it to this day even though I have been fully out for over a decade now. There was more building than I ever thought possible to start all over again with my life.

 

Making Gender Decisions

 

JJ Hart

Living my truth as a novice transgender woman proved to be more than I bargained for.

Like many of you, I started innocently enough as I rummaged through my mom’s clothes for anything I thought would fit me. Too soon, I found I had fallen in love with the feel of feminine clothes such as undergarments and panty hose. The biggest problem I quickly encountered was the buzz I felt when I cross dressed in front of the mirror just did not last. In the space of a couple days, I yearned to repeat the process of doing my best to look like a girl, repeatedly. I did not know it then, but my mind was attempting to tell me I was transgender and not a cross dresser. In those days, the transgender word was years away from being used or understood.

When I finally reached the age to go out on my own, the mirror remained my best friend. All the way to the point of going places where I could enjoy seeing my transfeminine reflection. I would even go to the big home improvement stores to check out their mirror selection when in fact, I was checking me out and reinforcing my feminine image in my mind. Finally, even my simple search for gender acceptance proved to be too much to take on a regular basis. I needed the public to be my reflection which mattered the most. Or I began to interact with more clerks and servers on a one-on-one basis to see their reactions. The more I explored, the more confident I became, and life became so much easier. In fact, too easy.

The first main discovery I made was the fact that women were much more interested in me than men. It did not matter, if the woman was a clerk, a server or a stranger off the street, they all seemed to share a curiosity of why I was in their world. Many times, there was too much curiosity going around on both sides, I was as curious about them as they were about me. It was about this time when I began to really live my truth as a transgender woman. I always reasoned too, more than a few strangers were drawn to me for that precise reason. They knew I was living my truth. Certainly, there were haters and bigots along the way, but not enough to slow me down. I ended up learning to stay clear of them very effectively.

Confidence was always my key as I learned to live my truth. I knew I was transgender and anyone who paid close attention at all to me, knew I was also. With that out of the way, we could get down to real life and very soon the typical stranger realized I was not the normal cross-dresser they saw on television on one of the many talk shows. I was real and not evil in any way. It worked with other women I encountered and almost never did with any men. So, I was satisfied with my results. I was kicked out of the men’s club and that was the way I wanted it. I guess you could say I was in some sort of a new layered gender reality as I tried to live my new truth.

I would be remiss if I did not bring up how intensely difficult all of this was to the progress of my mental health therapy. Per norm, my therapist said it best when she told me there was nothing, she could do about my wanting to be transfeminine. If I wanted to enough, I would make the sacrifice to do it. All my visits were pointless until I faced my own gender reality. My excuse continued to be, leaving my male life with all the comforts of the privilege I had built up was very risky, so I continued to put it off until it was almost too late and I tried suicide as a solution.

Naturally, the attempt did not work, because I am here writing attempting to help others with similar gender issues as mine. I learned I wanted to live and needed to make the right choice with my life to do it. I was stubborn and waited until the age of sixty to make the change from living a partial male life to a full time female one. All the lessons I absorbed along my long gender journey came back to help me in my final decision. I still remember vividly, when I sat alone and decided to donate all my male clothes to thrift stores and give up my male life forever. A tremendous weight immediately came off my shoulders and I knew I had made the right decision.

 

 

 

 

Father's Day

 

Image from Tim Mossholder
on UnSplash.

Father’s Day always brings about a set of conflicting emotions in me.

First, I remember my dad. He was a powerful figure in my life. He was a part of the “greatest generation”, served in WW II, survived the great depression and ended up being a self-made man. He ended up eventually building his own house from the ground up and retired as a vice-president of a bank he worked at for years.

The conflict came in when it came to expressing any emotions to his family. Primarily he was shy in expressing anything to my younger brother and I. He was a strong provider but a weak father figure in many ways. I think now, he was doing the best he could with what he had to work with. His generation could only give so much.

As fate would have it, my brother and I were able to overcome dad’s lack of emotional leadership or guidance. We both were very hands-on in how we raised our children. I have a daughter, and he has two sons to raise. Any of you who are regulars around here know how fortunate I am to have a very diverse and acceptable daughter. I must have done something right when I raised her.

Here is an example of what she has done to accept me over the years. From day one, when I was scared to death to come out to her by blurting out, I was transgender. She responded by doing several things including a shopping trip (which I turned down) all the way to inviting me on a trip to her upscale beauty salon which I accepted, my mantra became when I was scared to do something, go ahead and do it. Because of the amount of fear I felt on the day I went to the salon to have my long hair colored and styled.

Now here is the part of the story with my daughter gets a little messy with some folks. When I first transitioned, I went from Father’s Day to “Parent’s Day” which was fine with me. Then, suddenly, my kid started to honor me on Mother’s Day with no prompting from me. Initially, I was too embarrassed to accept such an honor but when I received the same honor from my wife Liz’s son, it stuck with me.  

  In addition to be so honored, my daughter had worked with me to pick a new legal name which would be easy for the grandkids (three) to grasp and remember. In a short period of time, I came up with a new name which was a throwback to family names of the past I had admired. My parents had given my male name as a tribute to the doctor who successfully delivered me. They had gone through three still births before me and were ready to give up and adopt a child until I came along. The problem was that my dead name was going to be very difficult to feminize so I went in an entirely different direction.

What I chose, with the input of my daughter, was to slightly feminize my maternal grandfather’s name and use it as my first name. Then, for my middle name, I chose my middle name as my mom’s first name when I buried my hatchet with her and honored her for all she did for me. If she is up in the sky looking down on me now, I wonder what she would think about my life now. Which has nothing to do with Father’s Day.

I would have chosen part of my dad’s name if it had been possible. His two names (like mine) would be too difficult to femininize. No chance for Charley to be changed to Charlene is an example. My point is that I don’t want to underrate the effort dad put into being my father. As I said, I have forgiven him because of the tools of fatherhood he received did not live up to my expectations. I guess through it all, I knew he loved me in his own way

Even though I have been removed from the Father’s Day agenda and moved into an arena I never thought possible, I still appreciate all I was given to me by my dad, even though he is long departed, he never knew he had a daughter not a son. I never had the courage to bring up the subject to him before he caught dementia and passed away. I labor under some sort of an idea he may have accepted me, unlike my mom.

Sadly, throughout the transgender world, so many trans children are never accepted by their parents. Leading the way to higher rates of transgender suicide.

Whatever is the case for you, I hope you have a great Father’s Day.

 

 

The Clash of Gender Ego's

 

Image from Sherest Gupta
on UnSplash. 

Through most of my long life, I needed to deal with the clash of egos, doing battle for my existence.

On one side, I had my well-worn and battle tested male ego who was doing his best to make it in a world where he did not want to be. On the other, I had my deeply hidden feminine side who only made her appearance in front of the mirror and then went back into hiding. In other words, my male ego attempted to dominate while at the same time, my female ego was hiding, just exactly where she did not want to be.

For the longest time, to make matters worse, I did not think women had much of an ego at all. Except maybe with their appearance. As I made my way through life, I discovered how wrong I was. On several levels, As I always warn about, my male ego dictated how I dressed early in my life when I was going out in public. I fell in love with several compliments I received about my legs when I went to Halloween parties and made sure I showed them off to the extreme when I was going out for the first time. The idea was all well and good except I was doing nothing to overcome my broad shoulders and torso. I had no fashion balance, and it showed with the number of times I was made fun of in public. My male ego had failed me. I was dressing to his tastes and was failing.

It took years to do, but my female ego finally took control and slowly but surely, I began to blend in with the other women around me. For a moment, I even thought my clash of egos was over, but I was completely wrong. My male ego was very stubborn and still thought he had some sort of control over my life. He refused to believe he had lost all his male privileges and nearly got us in trouble several times before he learned the hard way what problems could exist.

One of the biggest issues was the idea of my sexuality and how it would or would not change with my new transgender life. Of course, Mr. Macho recoiled at any thought of intimacy with a man, but Ms. Self wasn’t so sure. Like many women, she had a spectrum of ideas about sex which were not so rigid and paranoid. In fact, I made a concerted effort to date a few men to see what (if any) excitement would happen. It just so happened women turned out to be much more interested in me as a trans woman, my choice was easy to make. For once, my male ego won. For the wrong reason.

One of the earliest instances I can remember of a lesbian woman approaching me happened one night at a mixer/party I went to at a friend’s house in Columbus, Ohio. At the mixer, I ended up approaching another woman and having a brief conversation before we decided to leave for a while and go to a big lesbian club to mingle even farther. We ended up having a good time that night, but since I still had a wife to go home to, I could not stay long enough but visiting with another ciswoman who happened to be a lesbian was a wonderful experience and would set the path for my future. Although, I did not know it at the time, primarily because my male and female egos were still clashing.

By now, you may be asking the question, who was winning the struggle? My woman was, even though my male self would win every now and then, it was as if he would take one step forward and two steps back. On the occasions when my second wife would catch me coming back from a night on the town, he would jump forward into purge mode. Vowing to never wear any female clothes ever again. All the time knowing there was no way possible he could ever keep his promise. I had crossed too many lines in my gender sand to go back, and the fact was becoming increasingly evident to him and my wife, there was nothing they could do. They were waiting for me to face my own reality.

Solving my final gender issue was easier said than done. My male self was hanging on for dear life until the very end, and he nearly pulled all of us down in the process until therapy and suicide came into play. Finally, I needed to pick a winner in my gender ego clash, and I was wise and picked the only way I could go. I put my old male self completely aside and begin to live a transfeminine life I had only dreamed of. I wondered why I did not pick the winning side years ago and live my truth.

 

 

Self-Destruction

Image from Abbot on
UnSplash.

I was very self-destructive over the years, and I am frankly amazed I made it to the age of seventy-five in one piece.

I think my self-destructive behavior began when I was forced into a gender mold which was deeply foreign to me. When I was very young, I did not know exactly what was wrong, but something certainly was. I was somewhat older when I had my first inkling of having a condition I barely knew how to pronounce. I was gender dysphoric. As a teenager, many mornings when I woke up for the day, I did not know if I was a boy or a girl. Not a good place to be.

My first object of destruction was the car. With it, I found I could seriously injure myself and sadly others. I could race my brother with a car and go way too fast at night for the road conditions. Many nights when I came home late and lonely, my mom was waiting up and, on several occasions, told me the angel riding with me was my grandmother. She may have been right, when I wrecked one of my cars going too fast and ended up rolling it several times into a house. Very easily, I could have been killed, along with my brother. But my brother and I walked away without a scratch. Even though the car was totaled.

I was just reckless as I entered my military years as I was frustrated and lonely as I grasped at any straw to solve my gender issues. Never pausing to realize the answer I was seeking was as close facing my own inner self. For more years than I like to admit, I feared facing the truth about myself and stayed on my self-destructive path. That made two paths I was on. One on my gender issues and the other me trying to hurt myself.

To dull the pain, I resorted to self-medication with alcohol. Drinking vast amounts of beer helped me to forget my male self on one hand and made me too brave on the other hand. On nights I drank, I could see one path from the other. So, I went back time and time again.

Then, my time in the military just made my habit worse as I was in an atmosphere of supported alcohol abuse. I found I had to finally rid myself of my destructive ways when I hit rock bottom and attempted suicide. Simply, I was tired of fighting my overwhelming desire to be a transgender woman and the possibility of hurting the loved ones around me. Most importantly, I felt as if the world would be a better place without me.

Once again, my guiding angel was with me as I failed in my suicide attempt with pills and booze. Maybe it was her who finally convinced me to face my gender truth. I was born into the world as a male which was completely wrong. My vibrations were always female deep down inside and those vibes were deeply felt. Still my male self-refused to give up all the privilege he would lose and did his best to stay the course he was on. All he did was to prolong the certainty of my life. When he gave up and I could pursue the deepest truth of my life, I committed myself to moving forward into my transgender womanhood.  

With commitment came a deep-down of satisfaction and happiness I had never known in my life. I was fond of blaming my parents for the lack of happiness I experienced when I was growing up. When, in fact it was me who was at fault. I was not honest with myself, and it hurt me. I couldn't follow my dreams, and it hurt me. The deepest cut of all came with the dishonesty I felt. I was raised to be honest, and chasing my gender dreams curtailed my honesty with the world when I was busy hiding all the time. Perhaps, most frustrating of all came when I could not outrun my issues. First, I attempted to pass myself off to me as a harmless cross dresser and, when that did not work, I faced the possibility I was transgender. A big leap for my honesty.

It was the first time in my life; I could face my truth and live honestly as myself. With new women friends and my wife Liz pushing me on, I was able to restore my confidence as a woman as never before. My progress was so much more than my appearance and reached deeply into living a fulltime life as a transgender woman. My gender journey of a thousand miles did begin with a single step and I took mine.

Sometimes I wish I had made the journey sooner but then again, all of us only have one life to live and I was able to live mine.

 

 

 

Gender Selfishness

 

JJ Hart, Key Largo, Florida.

Often as I discovered my transgender womanhood, I felt extremely selfish. Who was I to sacrifice my male life with others just to cross dress in the mirror for me.

At the time, I regarded myself as a clown in drag and ugly in every way possible. With those thoughts, how could I even think I could succeed of my dream of living as a woman someday. To have any success at all, I needed to be selfish and forge a one-way path to feminize myself.  

Defining selfishness was a problem also. I went from thinking I was merely in a phase, all the way to finally realizing I was a full-fledged transgender woman. Along with all the responsibilities of living a new life. I needed to face the reality of knowing every step I took would be different and others close to me would have to come along for the ride. Or be left behind. Mainly, I am referring to my second wife, who for several reasons drew the line at helping me femininize myself. The number one reason was one I had to totally agree with, which was she did not want to live with another woman and specifically one she did not like.

Through it all, I tried to discover why she did not like me. Since she has long since passed away, I can’t ask her for an honest answer. My best guess is she did not the amount of makeup I wore and the wardrobe I had acquired. Plus, she especially hated the idea of me leaving the house cross dressed as a woman anytime she was not around. Essentially, I was cheating on her with myself. I was the other woman. Naturally, I was torn too, as I just could not stop exploring the new world, I was excited to find myself in. All my efforts just put me in the cross hairs of my mental health. I was selfish and put myself in risk of losing a marriage of twenty-five years and give up the chance of living my dream of living as a woman. These days I make no secret of trying to take my own life with an ill-advised suicide attempt. I thought there was only one person who could truly help me, and I had burned that bridge with her. So, I was trapped.

Fortunately, with the help of a good therapist, I found my way out of the darkness I was in, and she helped me to understand the gender situation I was in. I started to take it for granted I was selfish, but I had to be to save myself and my mental health. At that point, I knew I would not have wished the period of life I just had went through on my worst enemy. My dark closet was even becoming darker even though I was beginning to explore the world as a woman. Transgender, or not because often gender borders were blurred. To focus on it, I needed to be more and more selfish in my life and every spare moment and thought had to be involved in feminization.

By this time in my life, my biggest hurdle was overcoming the loss of my second wife. Sure, she resisted losing me to another woman, but I still loved her dearly, and we did have many good times together. What happened was my long ignored inner female stepped in and immediately took over. She exposed us to many new social interactions to see what would happen and if when we conquered it, we immediately moved on to often more delicate social situations. She was really into testing me to learn how serious I was about the transition I was considering.

One of the main tests was when we decided to seek out gender affirming hormones. To do it back in those pre–Veterans Administration days, I needed to find a doctor to approve me. It was not given since I was nearly sixty at the time and had to have a health exam before I was given permission. I was approved for a minimum dose and soon was allowed to pursue a life changing hormonal program. Overall, the hormones turned out of be a wonderful gift to my inner self and allowed her to sync up her old male external male self with her strong feminine self to make a more complete human being for the first time in my life.

It turned out, my life of being selfish was the only way I could escape the male life I was born into. It was amazing how quickly my mental health recovered and for the first time in my life, I felt happy. The weight taken off my shoulders was amazing.

 

Survive or Thrive as a Transgender Person

 

Image from The Blow Up on UnSplash.

It is easy to say, there is a major difference between just surviving and thriving as a transgender woman or transgender man. 

During my very long gender journey, I spent most of the time just surviving. Mainly when I existed by admiring my femininized version in the mirror. I did not understand at the time the difference in wanting to look like a girl, I wanted to be a girl. The entire process caused me huge amounts of duress and ruined my fragile mental health. Primarily because I had no one to explain to me how there were many others who were suffering in their own closets. In those days, there was no internet to provide any information whatsoever. No one to connect with at all. On some days, the loneliness was unbearable.

Still, I survived and continued to follow my own path. I was able to do what worked for me and gradually was able to join the public flow as my own extreme novice version of being a woman. As with any other newcomer, I paid my dues as ugly as they were. Along the way I kept thinking about what I was doing. Why would I ever consider trying anything as crazy as actually following through on my feminine desires to live a transgender dream.

Following a certain tipping point I went through, my desire to do more than just survive as a transgender woman became too much to handle. I was becoming increasingly more mentally unstable and self-destructive to the point of attempting suicide when I could take my life any longer. Fortunately, I was not successful and then set out to do more than survive.

I knew enough to know what I needed to do. Make a deeper dive into myself and explore my own femininity. I also knew I had to leave the mirror behind and substitute it for the world. To do it, I had to set my fears aside and look the other women I inevitably faced as the primary gate keepers in their world. A primarily had to learn the basics of passive aggressive behavior. Was another woman really letting me into her world or just acting as if she was. I learned the hard way to have eyes on the world from behind my back.

By succeeding in the world in my transgender womanhood, I was essentially carving out my own niche. Primarily because most of the world had never seen a transgender woman at all. When I immediately established, I was not a scary person at all up to no good, normally I received a good reception from other women, not men. With women at least, the gate was open for me to walk through. With men, my interactions were few and far between as their frail sexuality was threatened. I adjusted to my new world very easily and thrived more than I ever thought I would.

Suddenly, nearly all my spare time was living as my feminine self and when I was not, I was thinking about her. Or why was I wasting my precious time as a man when I was thriving in my new world as a woman. Each evening, I was out I had the opportunity to discover more and more the nuances I would need to thrive in the world as a transgender woman. Still, some nights I was still struggling to take everything in as my senses were barraged from many different angles. Specifically, when I started gender affirming hormones. From that point forward, I was able to attempt to sync up my internal with my external self. As I thrived, my mental health improved as I was finally able to live as my true gender self.

With age, I learned life is, but a big circle and I was able to find my way into thriving more than surviving. Many days, it was a struggle but finally finding my way was certainly worth it in the long term. Since I spent such a long time just surviving, I felt so much better in my new life.

 As the image says, success only comes from failure.

I Just Couldn't Live Without Her

 

Image from Brian Kyed
on UnSplash.

At a certain moment in my life, I had reached the point of no return where I was living with two women, the one inside of me and my wife of twenty five years.

The question remains, how did I find myself in such an untenable, precarious situation. The answer was, it was not easy, and I really had to work hard to get there. Decades, to be exact. Once I pulled myself out of the mirror, and put her into the world, I knew I could never go back to being a parttime cross dresser. I could never live without her.

Many times, I have gone through the many steps I took on my path to transgender womanhood. To provide you all with a more precise look at my actions, we need to go back to the years when my second wife was still alive. What I began to do was sneak out of the house when she was working cross dressed in the world just to see if I could. After a very rough beginning, when I was laughed at, I began to get my high-heeled feet on the ground and do better. So much better, I began to think my ultimate goal of living as a transgender woman on my own terms may actually be possible. 

From there, I began to spend every spare moment I had alone as who was to become my authentic self. I became so immersed in becoming a woman, I needed to concentrate on the times when I still had to be a man at work, or with my wife. The biggest problem I had was, deep down inside I knew which gender route I had to take to survive in the world, but I was afraid to face it. The fights between my wife and I became so bad, a couple times she just told me to be man enough to be a woman. I was not man enough to do it, but I was stubborn enough to keep trying to live a middle of the road gender life, which became impossible to maintain. My mental health suffered, and I began to be more self-destructive than I already was. All the way to attempting suicide one night.

Fortunately, I was not successful in my suicide attempt, and I proceeded down the same path I had been on before. This time taking my cross-dressing activities into my own restaurant and threatening my substantially good job. Again, deep down I felt if everyone knew of my deep, dark secret, I would be relieved of the hell I was living because I had to make a change away from the male life I was living. 

Just before my wife suddenly died, I made one last ditch effort to partially purge myself of my femininizing supplies. I went all the way to growing a beard, so at least I was telling myself I was making an effort to return to the male world. However, there was one big problem, I was miserable and about the time I needed to go back into my feminine world, my wife suddenly and tragically passed away from a massive heart attack at work. Through all of our problems, I loved her deeply and we were married twenty-five years.

I often wonder what would have happened had she lived. I think now, my internal female would have won out and I would have completed my gender transition. She would have won because I felt so natural in the world as a transgender woman. When it came down to which woman I could not live with, I would have had to have chosen the woman I should have been all along and hopefully patched up my life with my second wife. So, at the least, we could have stayed friends.

Losing Through Winning

 

Image from Humphrey Muleba 
on UnSplash. 

Sometimes during our lives, we have to lose to send ourselves forward into a better place.

It seems, transgender women and transgender men have so much more to lose when they transition across the gender border. As I often mention, we have to consider spouses, extended family, friends and employment as we grow into our unique authentic selves. I spent years in anguish trying to determine what to do about the two women fighting about my life. I mean my strong inner woman and my equally as strong wife of twenty five years, both of whom, I loved dearly. 

It turned out, the only loser was my male self, and he was not going down without a fight. When I was stuck between genders, my mental health suffered greatly. Even leading me to a suicide attempt when I did not think I could make a decision and could not take it any longer. I was attempting to live my regular working life as a male and the rest of the time as a transgender woman, and it was tearing me apart. The gender nightmare I was going through, I would have not wished on my worst enemy.

Finally, I decided I needed to lose one of my genders attempting to run my life. Due to an ever increasingly deep down feeling I was doing the right thing; I chose to go deeper and deeper down the gender rabbit hole and pursue my transgender womanhood. When I did, an unbelievable exciting, fulfilling new life opened for me. All of a sudden, I was being invited behind the gender curtain to girl's night outs and even accepted a gift from my daughter to have my suddenly longer hair styled at her upscaled salon. Looking back, I think my hormonal estrogen level increased significantly that day due to osmosis. Suddenly I learned why all women value so much their time at the beauty spa's. I was learning again why I could never go back to the male world I was losing.

As I looked around, what else did I have to lose? My wife had passed away, I closed my restaurant, lost most of my close friends to cancer, so I had nothing but a temporary fast food managerial job I hated to get me by until I could take an early retirement. Plus, I was on gender affirming hormones (HRT) by then, and my body was femininizing fast. My wins were rapidly overtaking the losses in my life. 

During the space of approximately five years, I had walked through the gender door perceiving I was little more than a parttime cross dresser and came out the other side as a full-fledged happy transgender woman. My male self-had totally lost and it was time for me to enjoy the win with my new women friends around me who taught me more than they ever knew about valuing myself. 

As with the rest of you who have gender transitioned, or are seriously considering it, I am sure I don't have to tell you what a big decision it is. First you need to accept yourself, then see if others will accept you too. Once you do, you can begin to win and put your losses behind you.  

Creating Gender Tension

Image from Tim Mossholder 
on UnSplash.

 
I am aware of the natural tension which goes on between the binary genders of male and female. 

I am also aware of the added tension which goes on when a transgender woman or trans man tries to cross the gender frontier to live on the other side. For me, at least, the tension became ridiculous and ruined my mental health which was already fragile. Before I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria, I was diagnosed with being bi-polar also. At the time, the diagnosis seemed to be a double-edged sword because I was wondering why I suffered from deep mood swings and blamed the swings on my gender issues. When I found I had deeper mental health issues, in many ways, it was a relief they were not tied in with my cross dressing. On the other hand, ideally, I could treat being bi-polar with medications and move on with my life.

My worry was any future therapy I might seek out, would involve the therapist attempting to tie my mental health in with my need to be a woman. Even though it was true, my gender needs did conflict with my mental health and cause tension, they were both separate entities and needed to be dealt with separately. I was fortunate in that I had two long term therapists who agreed with me, and I was treated as such.

However, my gender tension never went away, and, in many ways, I just learned to live with it. What I did was, resort to what I did when I was younger and try to cross dress my way through my transgender life. Predictably, when I was cross dressing, life was good and when I was not cross dressing, it was not. I was mean and tried to take it out on the world around me. I became so mean on occasion; I lost a job because of it. What no one understood was, I was being tougher on myself than anyone else. In typical male fashion, I was internalizing my feelings until they exploded. I even used therapy as a crutch with my second wife who had to put up with me. The best way for me to explain it is, I would never quite tell my wife what my therapist said. The prime example I can give you is, very early in my sessions with a certified gender therapist, she told me there was nothing to do concerning me wanting to be a woman. Sooner or later, I was to just have to follow my instincts.

There was no way, I could tell my wife that when I was supposed to be undergoing therapy to save our marriage. So, I ignored what the therapist told me and predictably, the gender tension continued and even became worse. I did my best to tread water and try to live a life divided between being a man part of the week and a trans woman when I could the remainder of the week. It nearly killed me as I tried my best to maintain an impossible life. My best was not good enough and I attempted an ill-fated suicide. When I woke up the next morning after taking all the pills I had and chasing them with alcohol, self-preservation kicked in and once again I made the wrong decision and resolved to purge most of my feminine fashion and make up, then go back to my male life. 

We all know the majority of gender purges don't work. Certainly, it did not work for me, even when I grew a beard to satisfy my second wife that I was not doing anything related to cross dressing at all. Once again, my gender tension rose to a very ugly level, and I was very unhappy. Little did I know, my life was due to change in a very tragic and dramatic way when in approximately six months, my wife passed away from a sudden heart attack. 

The life changing experience led me back to my feminine self and I never looked back. When I did, the gender tension I was suffering from disappeared and I felt free.  

What is the End Game?

 

JJ Hart, Woman in Red.

Wow! My journey was a long one to transgender womanhood where I always thought I should be. Nearly fifty years from being a part-time cross dresser to fulltime transgender woman. 

The problem was getting there, because the end game scared me so much. I was in my own gender quicksand and could not seem to get out. I had no dashing cowboy riding up to rescue the damsel in distress. I was on my own. So, I persisted through countless days in front of the mirror or combing through thrift stores searching for just the correct fashion statement.

The more I learned about my feminine self, the more I realized how strong she was and how I needed to protect our relationship. The more I did, the more I began to see the end game could be in sight, if I wanted it bad enough. I knew the possible pain of giving up family, friends, spouses and employment to see the end game in person. The problem was, I was gaining more and more experience in my feminine life and every time I did, I did not want to go back to my unwanted, boring male self but I did. Over and over again until it wrecked my mental health and almost cost me my life. 

Still, I kept my eye on the goals I had set which brought me ever closer to my end game of living life as a transgender woman. Along the path I had set for myself, I still had very real doubts if I could do it. I also found out quickly, just daydreaming my life away about being a woman or cross dressing in front of the mirror was not working anymore. I needed to get out in the public's eye and live to be certain I could do it all if I needed to. 

Spoiler alert, I needed to learn all I could to survive in the very competitive world of women. I thought men were bad, but women brought a whole new intensity of competitiveness to their world with other women. In order to survive in the girls' sandbox, I needed to bring a whole level of intensity myself to keep up because on occasion there was quite a bit of kicking and scratching going on behind my back. Once I adjusted to the new world I was in, I was OK after all the scratches on my back healed. Plus, I always kept in the back of my mind, I needed to be better than the average cisgender woman to survive. Mainly because I had so much more catching up to do and I never wanted to get discovered presenting the least bit as masculine. If I ever did and slipped back into old habits, I would have to work so much harder to regain my place in the world as a trans woman.

As I did, I found I naturally was fitting into my authentic life, I found myself at a crossroads of gender. Most importantly, at the crossroads I could see what my end game was. Since I was increasingly thriving in my transgender womanhood, I saw no reason to go back. When I did, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and life was livable again. 

I had found my end game was achievable and when I did, all things were possible.  

A Line in the Sand

Image from Lance Asper
on UnSplash

 It has been over a decade now when I decided to finally draw a line in the sand and give up on my well-worn, unwanted male self.

I say well worn, because I had spent nearly sixty years trying my best to live up to the supposed ideals of the male gender. It was exhausting keeping up with all the testosterone driven male "club." Still, I persisted and managed to build a fairly successful life. Once I was successful and had built up my share of male privilege, it was difficult to want to give it all up.

The pressure of having the possibility to live my dream of transgender womanhood finally got the best of me after a very serious suicide attempt. Finally, I needed to draw the line in the sand and do the right thing. The thing I had worked all those years of being a cross dresser to do. Even still, I knew deep down what I needed to face and do. It was just because at times, the line appeared to me as deep as a canyon. It was scary trying my best to jump it and exactly what was on the other side. I was fortunate in that I was able to research deeply what a life would be like as a transgender woman. 

I did my best to live out the life I would expect to live if I transitioned from a cross dresser to transgender woman. Against all personal odds, I was able to find a whole new set of friends and acquaintances who accepted my authentic self. They in turn, taught me so much about being myself. What worked and what did not. For example, I did not want to be too loud or impulsive but on the other hand I could not be very introverted because I would be mistaken for being bitchy. For a while, it was touch and go in my learning process, until I felt confident. 

I compare the process to a gentle pleasant wind coming up and blowing away my line in the sand. Very soon, I could not see where it even was. When it happened, it made up for every male privilege I lost. Quickly I forgot how I felt when I was "mansplained" by a guy or how I felt when I made to feel I had lost part of my intelligence just because I was a woman. I just knew how important I felt when I had finally arrived on the other side of my line in the sand.

Old friends, and part of my family were gone but quickly I was able to replace them with new friends and another accepting family unit. In many ways, life was still terrifying but so much more exciting and satisfying. I should have never waited as long as I did to erase my line in the sand. No more thoughts of suicide and for once being able to be myself were just a couple of the benefits. 

Never a Choice

 

Image from Mika
Baumeister on UnSplash

After all these years I still receive the comment of why I chose to leave my male gender behind and pursue transgender womanhood. 

Ironically, very few people removed from the transgender umbrella understand I never had a choice and spent nearly fifty years figuring it all out. Sure, there were brief moments of gender clarity which somehow, I refused to recognize. Then, as the years rolled by, I kept accumulating male baggage which became more and more difficult to consider leaving behind. Examples would be family, friends and jobs which being masculine depended on success. I was caught between having success as a male in a world I never really wanted. For the longest time, every time I was successful at something as a man, I fantasized if I could do it as a transgender woman. A stop gap measure which in the end just caused me more frustration. 

Plus, eventually, frustration turned into more gender pressure. The whole process turned me into a very self-destructive person. Along the way, I tried to tear down all the male successes I had built up. I drank too much, drove too recklessly and even tried suicide as a final solution to my gender pain. Finally, before it was too late, I realized my error. I never had a gender choice and attempting to live even a partial life as a male was a waste of time.

To make matters worse, I was very stubborn, and I attempted to hang on as long as I could in my transgender world by trying to live partially in both worlds, male and female. Slowly but surely, I discovered I could not continue to live that way. The more I learned about living as a trans woman, the more feasible a complete transition became to me. The whole process took me back to my earliest days cross dressed in front of a mirror at home when I realized I wanted to do so much more than just look feminine. I wanted to be feminine but my upbringing in a male dominated family was throwing up all sorts of roadblocks for my future. So, I learned what most men learn. To internalize my feelings the best I could. Which would lead me too much more serious problems later on in life.

The biggest problem was I was fighting the gender battle of my life. Regardless of what my male self was telling me about maintaining the status quo, sooner more than later I would have to face reality and know my gender was never a choice. I could not rest and enjoy my life until I finally made the ultimate decision. 

One lonely night as I was again pondering my future at the age of sixty, I weighed the benefits of both of the genders I was trying to maintain. In a blinding moment of clarity, I gave up forever any rights I ever had to a male life. 

It was the best decision I had ever made in my life. All of a sudden, this huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. From that point forward I decided to pursue gender affirming hormones and give all my male clothes away. Most importantly, I faced up to the fact I had never been a male except biologically which had nothing to do with my brain. I followed my brain and never looked back. '

Without the gender monkey on my back, I had a chance to live my life my way. The way I never had a choice of and took too long to realize it. 

Gender Harmony

 

My friend Racquel and her dog.

When asked when I first realized I had issues with my gender I began to tell the truth and say I had known forever.

In fact, my statements were only partially true. I knew something was wrong with me, but I did not know exactly what. When I was young, I knew how much pleasure I received when I dressed as a girl. What I was lacking was the knowledge of how much harmony I was missing by learning the aspects of living in two genders.

Over a long space in time of nearly fifty years, my male and female selves battled it out, which naturally created huge disruptions in my life. My already frail mental health was in shambles most of the time. Since I had already been diagnosed as being bi-polar by a therapist before, my gender issues seemed to be a bigger problem. In reality, both issues were working together to make my life miserable before I took action and did something about it.

I started with the easier one, my bi-polar condition. After I tried several medications, I found the right ones which I am still taking to this day. The much more difficult of the two issues destroying my inner harmony was my issue with my gender. Had I listened to my first therapist years ago when she told me there was nothing, she could do with me wanting to be a woman, I would have been better off. Maybe I would have been able to relax more with my issues and realize my transition into transgender womanhood was going to be a scary yet exciting journey I should try to relax and enjoy. Rather than fight and destroy my mental health as I did it. Plus, what made matters worse was all the people around me I attempted to make miserable too. Leading my second wife to even consider telling me to be man enough to be a woman. The problem was, back in those days, I did not have the feminine experience yet to do it. So, my miserable life continued.  Any sort of gender harmony seemed to me an impossibility.

During that time, I really set out to seriously discover what measures I would have to take to restore any sort of harmony to my life. Which essentially saved my life after a failed suicide attempt. I found I had to discover harmony or face losing my life totally. 

Initially, I was obsessing on my feminine appearance over any other aspects of being a transgender woman until my trans friend Racquel told me I passed out of sheer will power. Deep down, I knew what she was talking about. I was not and never would be the most attractive woman in the room, unless I could afford the expensive facial femininization surgery. Which I couldn't. It did not matter anyhow, since I had already decided to move forward in the world with the best possible appearance I could put together. 

Long story short, I found my path to a new life and am very fortunate to live as a full-time transgender woman. Racquel went on to several appearance altering surgeries and moved away so I have not seen her for years. I owe her for the honesty she expressed to me concerning my coming out experience. As my wife said too, there was so much more to a woman than just looking like one. Finding harmony with myself, enabled me to find harmony with others. I made friends in my new life and moved on.

NOT for Entertainment Only

 

Image from Alice Alinari
on UnSplash

As I went along my path to transgender womanhood, I found the journey was never a choice and was not for entertainment only.

My journey did not begin that way. Similar to many of you, I started by exploring my mom's underwear drawer and wearing what would fit. All of that was seemingly innocent enough unless I was caught. Then there would undoubtedly be hell to pay, along with a trip to a psychiatrist. Later I would wonder if my mom ever knew because her underwear was stretched out, but she never approached me at all. 

It was all fun and games until it wasn't. Slowly, I learned wearing girls/women's clothes was not for entertainment only. I was becoming increasingly serious about it. For the first time in my life, I was obsessing over how I looked. How was my makeup and very limited access to a wardrobe appearing in the mirror. I even went as far as shaving my legs when I thought I could get away with it. In addition, I did my best to study the other girls around me. I did not know it then, but I probably was wearing makeup before a few of the girls I knew were allowed to do it. At the time when I could not seem to muster the same passion for building the model cars I had and painting them well, makeup was an entirely different challenge and one I could not resist doing my absolute best at doing well. With no help whatsoever. 

I found, for the first time in my life, I was completely serious about doing one thing and it was being a girl. Not just looking like one. It took me years to learn just gazing at my reflection cross dressed as a feminine person was just not enough. I needed more. My problem was early on was having the budget to do anything such as being able to afford having a nice wig. It was not until my college days until I could buy a long blond wig I cherished for years. Spending all the money on one specific fashion accessory proved my passion to look good was not for entertainment only. I was really serious.

Of course, then I really started to step up my gender game. When I was released from my military service, I began to seriously explore the world as the feminine trans woman I was destined to become. As I write about often, my journey was filled with ups and downs and my mental health suffered. Definitely not the way I thought it would be when I looked at myself dressed as a girl in the mirror early in my life. What I never had a chance to consider was I was not a transvestite or cross dresser at all. In fact, I was a transgender woman and needed to accept it. I was never in it for the entertainment and my life depended on a successful outcome. 

What I mean is, I needed to stop all the self-destructive behavior I was exhibiting as I sought to destroy everything successful, I had ever done. Along the way, I had tried to lose jobs, drink too much all the way to trying to kill myself with pills. Never realizing how much I had to live for if only I followed my transgender path far enough. 

I wonder now, if I had realized how difficult my journey would be and not be entertaining would I have ever undertaken it at all. I also realize now, I never had a choice, and my life would have been better had I realized it sooner. I would love to get back just a tiny portion of the stress and tension I lost during my life as I worried about my gender. Outside of a few therapists who tried to help me by telling me the truth about myself, I was on my own. My life was never for entertainment only as I followed a gender path full of turns and dead ends before I discovered my truth in my transgender womanhood. 

Now What?

 

Image from JJ Hart

As I cautiously discovered I could make it in the world as a transgender woman, rapidly I kept coming to the conclusion of now what.

How would I face a whole new life without the old male standbys to fall back on. I had taken the time and effort to build a family, friends and a fairly successful job which I had to possibly give up. Naturally, I spent hours, days and weeks trying to figure out what I would do once I entered fulltime transgender womanhood. I had long since passed the point of just being satisfied with existing as a part-time cross dresser. 

Ironically, every time I was successful in public as a novice trans woman, I wondered now what I  have I done and what was next in my life. The problem was, I had several major roadblocks which were looming in my life, such as helping to care for aging parents and a spouse who was totally against me transitioning any further than I was. To diminish the impact of all the gender stress I was dealing with, I did what many males try to do and internalize all of my problems. Even though I was going out as much as I could as my authentic feminine self, the fact remained I would have to go back to my old unwanted male life sooner more than later. As Paula from the UK put it in response to a previous post:

"For me it was the depression that followed "putting Paula back in her box", each time I went back to being "him" it was like a bereavement, in the end it was bowing to the inevitable. Arguably transition was the most selfish thing I have done, but like so many others I was insufferable trying to maintain my male persona, in the end it wasn't so much choosing my feminine side as choosing life."

Similar to Paula, the entire transition process for me came down to life and death for me. Like so many other transgender women or trans men, I attempted suicide to relieve myself of the brutal gender related stress I was feeling. Fortunately now, I was unsuccessful and lived to write about the experience. In fact, it was one of the reasons I began to author a blog.  In order to help others. 

Perhaps you are wondering how now what worked following my attempt at self harm. I still was not smart enough to listen to my inner female and tried to purge my fairly extensive feminine wardrobe and makeup. It was during this time too, I began to notice my second wife's health was slipping badly and she would end up passing away at the age of fifty.

Then I really entered the now what part of my life. The door had suddenly opened for me to live my dream of living fulltime as a transgender woman. I followed my soul and began gender affirming hormones at the age of sixty and never looked back.

All the days of wondering now what were behind me. All the risks I took were with it as I began to happily live an authentic life. And, by the way, Paula thank you for the comment and thanks to all of you reading along. 

De-Transition?

 

Woman's get together. I am on the 
bottom row, far left.

Several posts ago I may have written something which made some readers think I was considering ever de-transitioning back to my old male life.

To begin with, there is no way I would go back to a life I never appreciated. Even though I was mildly successful at living a male life, something was always missing. It turned out what was missing was my feminine soul. The problem was I needed to develop my feminine soul to the point where she could flourish. It took me years to discover the truth with many starts and stops along the way. For years it seemed everytime I took a step forward as a transgender woman then I took a step or two back. The entire process was very frustrating. I was finding out leaving the men's club and entering the woman's club was going to be much more complex than I ever thought. 

Even with all the threats to the transgender community today, the easy way out would be for me to go back to the life I used to have. Also during my life, I have learned taking the easy way out is not often the best way to exist and be true to yourself. Trans womanhood was my true self and when I recognized it, my fragile mental health as well as my life in general improved. So, I knew completely I had done the right thing by stopping the cruel joke I was leading trying to live as a man. The major reason I would never go back to an unhappy existence which led me to alcohol abuse and even a suicide attempt.   

When I transitioned into a feminine world, I finally also learned how to be happy. Something I had never learned how to be. All the time, effort and work I put into relearning how to live made the whole process so worthwhile. So why would I give it all up?

Then there were all the magical hormonal changes I went through when I started gender affirming hominess nearly a decade ago. When I did, it seemed my body took to the changes so naturally and was so ready for change. Even though I experienced many external changes to my body, I also went through major internal changes such as emotional growth. I constantly worry about giving all of the hormonal gains up from HRT if I had a medical emergency or if the government tries to take them away. 

I also had a question from Georgette about the picture I used for the post. She asked if I ever had seen any of the women again and were any LGBTQ orientated. I do keep in occasional contact with two of the women in the group and no I don't think any of them have or had any other contacts in the LGBTQ community. In essence, I was really just one of the girls except for one woman who seemed to really resent me.

I hope this answers some of the comments I receive here. For obvious reasons, I can't answer all of them in a post but I thought the de-transitioning comment was important enough to share. As always I really appreciate all the input I receive. Thank You. 

 

Down but Not Out

 

First Girl's Night Out.
I am on the bottom row, left.

There have been many times during my transgender journey which I have felt down.

However, a little voice in my head kept telling me to keep going and if I did, I could achieve my dream of living a feminine life.  I write many times (mainly for those of you who are still new to the transgender or cross dressing world) how I was ridiculed intensely when I first tried to explore the public as a woman. After being laughed at, I always headed home in a hurry and tried to go back to the drawing board to try to determine what I was doing wrong. It took me awhile to figure out I needed to get past my male ego of what a woman should look like and into blending in with the rest of the female world. The mirror and my head turned out to be powerful opponents. 

I need to stress, it took me years of being down to turn my learning curve the opposite way and turn my frown into a smile when I was out in the world. Along the way, I needed to adjust my thinking on how I was accepted. I needed to realize I would never be the most attractive woman in the room and begin to fall back on my personality to get along. I was transgender and different but so what I was a good person. When I accomplished being at the least friendly to others, I began to be accepted into small groups of acquaintances who accepted me for my true self. In one of the venues I became a regular in, I have vibrant memories of a group of five diverse women and even a few men who I could set in with and have a beverage. 

It all proved to me I was resilient and could survive most things, including my growth as a transgender woman. Even though life was about ready to deal me several severe setbacks I was not expecting, I could make it. 

When life did hit me with setbacks, they were sledgehammer type blows. It seemed life was fond of giving me setbacks such as my wife passing away along with most of my best friends. It nearly finished me off when I had to close my restaurant I worked so hard to buy. More or less, I was left with my house, two dogs and an old car to re-erect my life. 

The old saying the darkest hour was right before the dawn was true for me  I was down but I had one huge card up my favorite blouse's sleeve. Since I was so far down why not start all over again as my dream self. My inner female had always been strong enough  to fight for her existence, so why no let her have it. Karma was on my side also, as it was about this time the Veterans Administration  health care system which I was already a part of suddenly approved the use of gender affirming hormones for transgender veterans. I only needed approval from a VA therapist to start the program. It turned out I was with Dr. C. my therapist for over ten years and she worked miracles for me.

Maybe it was because I was able to outlive a suicide attempt and years of self destructive behavior that I was able to come full circle in my life and end up on my heels. I was down but not out and discovered people in the world who could and would step up to accept me as my authentic self. Even though I needed to make the effort first. Which for me was very difficult. In the end, the whole process made me a better person.

Running from the Pain

 

Image from jc 
gellidon on UnSplash

Most certainly, I know I am not alone running from the pain of my gender dysphoria.

Most of you have been through it also. You know it takes a great amount of effort to out-run your issues. For me, it has been a survival of the fitness scenario. I was stuck between the proverbial gender rock and the hard place. Exactly between the two primary binary genders, or male and female. Of course I was raised male and often resented it. When I did resent where I was in life, I just became more and more frustrated and the pain set in. 

As the pain set in I had two alternatives as I saw it. Internalize the fact I was transgender or run from it. At the time, I hit a personal wall I didn't even know was there. When I became tired of totally internalizing my gender issues, I set out to outrun them. I ran from my native Ohio to the suburbs of New York City then back again to rural Southern Ohio along the Ohio River. At the same time, I was switching jobs almost as fast as I was changing my shoes. I was fortunate in that I was in an industry which was expanding rapidly and there were quite a few new job opportunities to be had. At least when I landed a new job, I had the opportunity to take my mind off of my true problems. 

None of the running worked and the pain increased. The only things I learned were there were pockets of acceptance wherever I went, including unlikely ones such as Parkersburg, West Virginia which had a small but active LGBTQ community. The problem became I could not become too involved with any transgender related activities without resistance from my second wife. So again my frustration and pain increased because I was so close yet so far away. 

Finally, I could stand it no longer and needed to face up to my gender problems. At the time, I was increasingly exploring the world as a transgender woman. At one point, I was even living half and half male and female. I was learning I had much more energy when I was in the feminine world than when I was living as a man. Even when I faced giving up all my hard earned male privileges. Increasingly, I shed a majority of my gender pressure and decided for sure I was transgender and then go for a life which reflected my new decision.  Since I had cross dressed so long I figured I was doing something  right especially when I felt so energized and natural in my life. I will forever remember the exciting yet scary night when I decided to do away with my male life and transition into a feminine world.

By doing so, I put my pain behind me and could stop all the running I was doing. It felt so good to relax and take a breath after all those years of running. Initially, I did not know how to act with all the gender freedom I was experiencing. Of course I learned to live a new life I had only ever dreamed of and was able to actually bring a portion of my old male baggage with me and discard the rest.

Baggage is actually a topic for another post but simply put, trying to carry all the extra baggage of two genders was exhausting. I don't see now how I did it but I survived, barely at times. Running from my pain nearly got to me and led me to suicide. Life then went full circle and I was paid back with the help of friends together we pushed back what was left of my male self and my female self prospered.

Sink or Swim

Image from Trans Wellness Event. 
Jessie Hart Archives. 

Many times when I first entered the world as a new cross dresser or femininized male, I wondered if I was going to sink or swim.  

Leaving the mirror (who never lied to me) was difficult because the public didn't lie either and let me know if I blended in with other women or looked like a clown. Of course when I was stared at or laughed at I sank to depths of depression as I thought I was in too deep and would never make it to my transgender dreams. 

I discovered sometimes the hard way when I was out in the world, I could not turn back and needed to stick it out, even when the going got tough. It included the times that got so bad when I was laughed at. Then, something deep inside of me kept saying move on because times would get better. Similar to when I learned to swim at an early age, I gained confidence in the water and I began to swim onwards and learned women's fashion, hair and makeup which came closer to flattering me. 

Often my biggest problem was myself. My old male ego was telling me I needed to try to look a certain way when the opposite was true. I needed to blend in with other women in the venues I was going to which was especially important when I made it out of the gay venues I was going to and into the world I was used to as a man. Perhaps I was mistaken for a drag queen in the gay bars because I was dressing as one. Slowly but surely I started to be accepted as a transgender woman in the preferred venues I went out to and I began to swim with the big girls. By doing so I accepted the extra challenge of communicating with them. Far beyond just appearing as one of them.

As I always say, women lead a much more layered lives than men and here I was right in the middle of them trying to swim with the current. Which at times was difficult to do. I had so much to learn in a very short period of time. In order to not sink in the situation I was in  It took me tons of lonely soul searching to figure out if I was moving my life in the right direction and was losing all my white male privileges worth it. Of course you know I knew it was and I kept swimming towards my dream of living as a transgender woman. 

I was lucky when women along the way threw me life jackets to keep me afloat in my time of need. Their efforts just helped me to decide somehow I wanted to be more like them. If I survived my male to female gender transition, maybe then I could pay it forward and help other novice transgender women. Which is the primary reason I write. Most certainly I am biased but I think crossing the gender frontier is one of the most difficult tasks a human can undertake, so any assistance is good assistance Especially when we are swimming against the tide of society. 

Hopefully, if you are becoming tired or confused during your gender swim, I can throw you my version of a life jacket or boat. You can beat society's system and succeed if you are careful and keep trying. I sank so low once I tried severe self harm (suicide) to myself and was lucky I made it to the surface and survived. I bring it up simply as an example for those who think being transgender is some sort of a choice. It's what happens when trans women or men are round pegs being forced into square holes and never given the chance to sink or swim.

There are many ways to find your way to womanhood as a transgender woman, you just need to be patient until you find your path.