Trans Girl at the Symphony

 

Cincinnati Music Hall

I really don't know why but this experience usually slips my mind. Even though, it is one of the most dramatic experiences I have ever had. 

All of this happened several years ago when I was still attempting to navigate the world as my authentic self for first time. Also, my future wife Liz felt the time was right for me to accompany her to the Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra Christmas concert. The whole idea petrified me, but I could not say no and I set about preparing for what I could wear to a semi formal event. My first.

Fortunately, thrift shopping came to my rescue as I found a very sparkling gown to wear in black. As I prepared by shaving, applying makeup and doing my hair, my nervousness subsided a little as we waited for the Uber, we called to take us downtown to the concert hall. 

When we arrived, my nerves returned as we were stuck in a crowd of people waiting to go to their seats. The only thing which saved me was, no one seemed to be paying me much attention. When I sensed no one cared about me, I began to calm down. As far as the musical performance went, I admit I had never been much a fan of classical music, but I did the best I could to enjoy it, and I did. Once I calmed down. Ironically, I was very calm until the lights came up and intermission began. People were moving around which put me in danger of being discovered as a transgender woman. I was not, and the concert resumed. 

Before I knew it, the experience was over, and I could breathe again until we stopped at a venue along the Ohio River for a drink or two to celebrate the holidays and our relationship together. Once again, my nervousness increased until we settled in at the new venue. Again, we were treated very well. I even used the women's room with no repercussions which was becoming a necessity.

What I learned from the entire experience, I found if I did not try harder to expand my horizons as a transgender woman, I never would. Plus, there was never a better time in my life to do it. Because I was spending my time with Liz, it made the whole time so much more pleasurable.

The concert was only the beginning of me building my confidence in my transgender womanhood. Liz wanted to travel, so I learned to travel and again learn new horizons of fitting in with strangers as a woman. I viewed it as a layered trip to learn more and more about my new world. Most importantly, I learned to interact one on one with other women and basically ignore the men who were ignoring me. 

It all was an important springboard into my future desired life which I had to do in a hurry, since I had such a late start at the age of sixty. I can't stress enough, when I did start, despite my fear or nervousness, I enjoyed it immensely. The entire process, proved once again, I had made the right decision when I chose to live as my authentic self. Plus, I needed to discover for once and for all, who was my true self before I could move on with all the major decisions I needed to make.

As I said before, I had never been a real fan of classical music, but it started me down the path to a beautiful future. 

Always Running

 

Image from JJ Hart

Much of my life was immersed in running from my gender problems. 

As fast as I could, I changed jobs and even places my wife and I lived so I thought would make a difference in my life. The prime example was when I picked up and moved my small family from our native southwestern Ohio to the huge bustling New York City metro area to operate a fast-food restaurant. By doing so, I thought deep down I would be closer to a population which would be more friendly to my cross-dressing desires.  I only made it a year before the culture shock pushed me back to our native Ohio.

In the meantime, I did have several moments when I was in New York which I will always fondly remember. One of which was the night I actually got out of the house by myself without my wife and drove myself out to Long Island for a transvestite mixer I had read about. Once I was out, I had two major surprises waiting for me. The first of which was I was happy I found the venue at all. The second one happened when I tried to get in. There were two women at the door monitoring who got in or not. I was flattered when they refused to believe I was a man at all and asked for an I.D. to prove who I was under all the hair, makeup, and fashion. 

The second most memorable night was again when I managed to be out alone in the world as my authentic self. Quite unexpectedly, I was invited to a Halloween party by one of my female assistant managers. Of course, I did not to think twice before I accepted her invitation and began to plan ahead on what I could wear that my wife would approve of. Finally, I learned she would never approve anything I wanted to wear, so I set out on my own to come up with a costume I would have fun with. It turned out my short tight dress and heels matched perfectly with what the other women in our little group were wearing. Plus, the women were all tall and I really blended in well in our heels.  

As I said, the culture shock of NYC over Ohio wore me down and we ended up moving back. When I did, I immediately fell back into the whole cross-dressing culture I was in before. I was unhappy and hidden away from the world, so I found another place to move to and uproot our lives. The job I was working offered me an opportunity opening restaurants along the Ohio River in southern Ohio. A very conservative area to be sure so I needed to up my cross-dressing outings. Somehow, throughout the whole adventure I grew tired of having limited places to go and wanted another move to improve myself. 

This time, I tried to move back to the Columbus, Ohio area where I knew several very diverse friends in the LGBTQ community, specifically the transgender crowd. Following a lot of work, I finally landed the job I wanted, and we moved again.

Finally, I grew tired of all the running I was doing, and I needed to settle down and face my gender issues head on. It took me until I was sixty to realize I needed to make a change to a full-time transgender lifestyle. When I did, a giant weight was lifted off my shoulders and I went on to start gender affirming hormones or HRT. It was a wonderful way to live. 

Someone is Paying Attention

Image from Alena Garrett
on UnSplash. 

One thing I immediately noticed when I left my mirror and went into the world as a novice transgender woman was when I was suddenly noticed more by both primary genders, male and female.

Of course, being raised in an unwanted male world, I knew how many guys made a big deal about the appearances of the women around them. What I was not prepared for was the amount of attention I received from other women. Especially, younger ones as teen girls were especially observant. I cannot or prefer not to recount the times I was stared down by a group of teenaged girls or younger. 

My primary example was the day I was out shopping in the racks of a women's clothing store when around the corner came a small child who startled me. Obviously, I startled him also because he ran back to his mother (who was close by) and said, "Look at the BIG woman!" Initially, I was relieved because he had called me a woman. Then he continued and said, "The big MEAN woman." Naturally, I learned a big lesson. The BIG mean woman should always be prepared to be friendly, which means I needed to immediately learn to wipe that old male scowl off of my face. If that was all I needed to do to not scare little kids, it was an easy lesson to learn. 

For a while, I was intimidated by all the attention I was receiving until I began to understand where it was coming from. The more I dressed to blend in with other women, the less attention I received from men. Primarily, because I just wasn't that attractive. On the other hand, the increased attention from women came from the fact most of them were just curious what I was doing in their world or were appreciative of my efforts to look the best I could. If I had a dollar for every time I was complimented on my jewelry or earrings, I would be a rich person now. 

It took me time but eventually I learned my lessons well and adjusted to the fact, my appearance as a transgender woman was a fact of life and in many ways a form of female privilege I needed to live up to. My observations made me work even harder on my feminine presentation. In other words, it was all part of my rite of passage into transgender womanhood. Plus, in many ways, I needed to work even harder to present well than the average cis-gender woman who was just getting by because she happened to be born female. Which, by the way, did not automatically allow her to be a woman. Neither gender birthrights allow them the permission to claim an automatic right to claim a title of man or woman. Which comes from socialization. 

I learned if someone was paying attention, I should make the most of it and adjust to my new surroundings. Once my confidence built to a point I could do it, I was able to project a strong feminine aura. When I did, questioning my gender became someone else's problem. Not mine.

Down the Rabbit Hole

 

Summer Image, JJ Hart.

Over the years, I began to sink rapidly or was stuck in an increasingly large and deep transgender rabbit hole.

Sadly, I did not have the information I needed at a young age to help me to understand I was much more than a boy who preferred to dress in girls' clothing. I just knew I was not satisfied with cross dressing in front of the mirror on the rare moments I was alone. I always had problems with what I called the gender roller coaster, or I was up when I cross dressed for a couple days before I crashed to the depths of depression and daydreamed my life away thinking of the next visit, I would have in front of the hallway mirror. 

Only one of my thoughts was for certain, I was falling down a gender rabbit hole which I could never return from. For many years, I thought I would possibly grow out of my gender issues, and they could possibly be a phase. Of course, wanting to be feminine in all aspects of my life, was never just a phase and just grew stronger as I aged. 

It turned out, the older I became, the fonder I became of my rabbit hole and wanted to stay there. When I did go out, I was like a real rabbit, cautiously surveying the world for predators. It was not until I began to arrive at a financial point when I started to build confidence in my cross-dressed presentation, did I begin to enjoy my trips out of the hole and into the world. 

It was about this time too, when I began to expand my rabbit hole. I needed more space for my wardrobe and wigs of course. Not to mention the mental room I needed to grow into the person I was becoming. Once I saw the light of my new gender day, there could be no turning back. The light felt so good and so warm; I was loving my new life. 

I ended up forsaking my gender rabbit hole for a new universe of women. To be truthful, it was the most difficult experience of my life. Since I had left my old comfort zone of white male privilege, establishing a new base was difficult in my new transgender womanhood. I had dug my gender rabbit hole so deep; it was difficult to find my way out. 

Sadly, I see too many transgender women and trans men who are stuck in their gender holes. Especially, in the current negative situations we are living in right now, I understand why so many LGBTQ people want to stay out of the public eye. It is just a shame we need to do it.

Your Personal Best

 

Image from Markus Winkler
on UnSplash.

If you have ever worked in any sort of a competitive industry, perhaps you have heard a phrase similar to keep your eye on the ball.

Many times, in my long journey to being a full-fledged out and about transgender woman, I have wished I paused to remember such a goal. One image comes to mind when years ago I was trying to pump gas into my car at a gas station along the interstate when I was traveling back to Cincinnati to meet Liz before we were actually married. 

To begin with, I was a little flustered, even to the point of panicked when I discovered I did not have much money at all on my debit card and had no cash at all. As I said, I was nearly panicked and ended up pulling up to the wrong pump to try to fuel my car. For some reason, I had chosen a diesel pump and fortunately was having no success in putting the nozzle into my gasoline powered car. As I struggled, a man pulled up nearby and came to my aid by telling me I was at the wrong pump. I profusely thanked him and moved to the correct pump but not before I needed to go in the station and pay. Exactly what I did not want to do. I had no choice due to my mistake and needed to finally go inside and confess my mistake to a clerk inside who had no sympathy for the dumb person making the mistake. 

It was just one of many times, I took my eye off the ball and barely snuck by with a little help from above. Another time I remember was one night when it was snowing quite a bit, but I decided I needed to go out anyhow. With out giving anything much thought, I figured the night would be ideal to wear my new medium heel boots to give my fashion image a personal boost. All was going well until I went into one of favorite regular venues and found a seat at the bar. All along, I was confident I could slide down off the bar stool without falling. It turns out, I was overconfident as I tumbled very a womanly fall to the hard floor. I was lucky and all I hurt was my pride. From then on, the boots remained in my closet when it was snowy or even wet outside. 

Most of the time, when I was pushing the envelope and taking my eye off the ball, it was not because I was trying to do my personal best as a novice transgender woman. Even though I had established "safe" places I could go, I kept trying to go other places where I was not welcome such as the one lesbian bar I kept trying to go to. Unlike the other lesbian venue, I was accepted in (which accepted me), the first place tried to make my visit as uncomfortable as possible. Until I finally just stayed away and gave all my money to the place where I was liked. Once I did that, I could relax and enjoy myself.

I learned also, my personal best was not exploring the limits of where I should go as a transgender woman. It meant staying off dark urban streets by myself, or even unlit mall parking lots. I had not realized yet I had lost my male security privilege and needed to add a whole new level of security to my life.

Through it all, as I made my gender journey, I slowly learned how to keep my eye on the ball and do my personal best. Anything less, and I would revert back to my old unwanted male life and find myself back to where I started. Equally frustrating, was the fact I would have wasted all the time I put into pursuing my goals. I found my path and decided to stick with it.  

Meeting in Person

JJ Hart in a warmer time.

Do you remember the moment you met your authentic self in person?

Looking back, I can recall several profound moments when I saw the feminine person I was always meant to be. My earliest memories came when I was quite young in the days when I was first experimenting with my mom's makeup and clothing. Even though I probably looked like a clown, the mirror told me I was beautiful. No matter what I looked like, I refused to face the truth. 

It was not until much later in life, when I began to realize how much work it was going to take to really see my true self, did I get serious. If I was going to make it to my dream of transgender womanhood, I would have to profoundly change my way of thinking. The first change I made was how my male ego interacted with my appearance the public saw when I went out for the first times. 

The truth of the matter was, if I dressed "down" to blend in with public, I received very little attention, so I started to dress too trashy to please my old male self. What quickly happened was I attracted the wrong type of attention and did not pass well. Or, at all. Back to the cross-dressing drawing board I went time after time until I drove my male ego out to the point where I was successful in blending in with other women in the world. What were the women wearing and when were they wearing it became my motto. The time I spent was worth it when success as a novice transgender woman was becoming mine. 

Suddenly, my visits to the mirror became more and more friendly. I adjusted to the fact I would never be the prettiest woman in the room, but I could rely on other feminine attributes to get by. I began to closely study other women who may not be the most attractive, yet still be popular, fulfilled women. What I did was, I began to concentrate on what my new personality would be as a transgender woman. After all, I had an unique opportunity to start all over again as a human being. My new time was a scarce commodity, and I could not miss my opportunity to do it right. 

I was fortunate in that I already had a women friend who was ready to help me. She had been there all along, just waiting for her turn to lead my life. She was the feminine inner me. It turns out she was a nice person who saw the best in others. When I met her in person, I was excited and knew I was in good hands.

I was in good hands and began to expand my small circle of friends in the world. My wife Liz and I started to go to small and medium sized "Meet Up" groups in Cincinnati where I learned the benefit of a different group of strangers accepting me. None of us knew each other previously, so I was on an even level with them. The great equalizer. 

All of the process was extremely beneficial when it came to meeting myself in person until I became used to it. Perhaps the best part of the entire process was the time I realized I had really expanded myself as a woman, transgender or not.

Not Scared? In the Wrong Room

 

Image from Alexandra Gorn
on UnSplash.

I cannot begin to tell you how terrified I was to interact with the public when I first began to attempt to live in the public's eye.

One night in particular always stands out in my mind. It was the evening when I had pre-determined my cross-dressing days were behind me and I was going out as a transgender woman. Furthermore, I knew if I was successful, it would change my life forever. As I prepared for my big night out, I took extra care with my outfit, makeup and hair. I wanted to make sure I blended properly with all the other women I would be interacting with at an upscale bar I was going to which was heavily frequented by professional women who worked at a nearby mall.

Once I made the short trip to the venue and found a parking spot relatively close to the front door. As I sat in the parking lot, the pressure to go in increased dramatically. As I nervously checked and adjusted my makeup in the car's rearview mirror, again and again the fact was not lost on me I could be changing my life forever. By the time I gathered my courage to actually enter the venue, I could barely breathe and was gasping for air. 

It took me awhile to gather my courage and enter the front doors of the place and interact with the hostess stand. Deep down, I was hoping the hostess would be busy seating other patrons so I could sneak on through and find a seat at the bar. The short distance from the hostess stand to the bar seemed to be miles to me but I made it and luckily found a corner seat at the bar by myself. Plus, the bar itself was supported by two large thick pillars. I figured if I found a seat next to one, I could blend in and hide if I needed to. I did not need to hide as I was approached for my order by a friendly bartender. 

Immediately, my fears began to melt as I ordered my first drink and even started to relax a bit and watch all the other women who had begun to arrive at the bar to enjoy each other's company. As I observed the group, I saw no one was noticing me. So far, so good. No one noticed a very scared novice transgender woman in their group. 

Of course, this evening was only the beginning of my new transgender journey. I knew my life had changed forever. I could never go back to the old unwanted, boring male life I was living. To move forward, there would be many nights when I would be very scared. Somehow, I learned to feed off my fear to propel me forward. No longer was I a weekend cross dresser, I was reborn as a very serious transgender woman.

My end game was using fear to refine my push forward by putting extra time and effort into my fashion and makeup. That way, when I needed to walk past a crowd of strangers in a new venue I was in, I could do it without any issues. 

I finally decided, if I did not feel any fear at all, I was in the wrong room. Especially, in today's climate, it pays to always be aware of your surroundings. Maybe fear is a strong word, but awareness is not. 

The Gender Envelope

 

Image from Alexandru
Zdobau on Unsplash.

Sure, I spent or waisted far too many years before I fully transitioned into transgender womanhood.

I was too slow for such a long time actually pushing my personal gender envelope when I was busy telling myself I was no more than part-time cross dresser. I saw no harm in just doing my best to look like a woman until it just wasn't the answer I was looking for. The more I cross dressed and improved my feminine presentation, the more I pushed the envelope and looked for more. Very quickly, my yearly Halloween adventures just were not enough.

I began to wonder if I made a good impression at Halloween, could I make the same impression if and when I tried to go out in public as a novice transgender woman. Following many trials and error experiences, I found I could survive a public which largely did not care about me. The big error I always point out is when I was not receiving any attention to speak of as a woman, I began to dress trashy to attract the wrong sort of attention. I was mistakenly pushing my gender envelope the wrong way. When I finally began to understand the best ways to dress my male body and apply the proper makeup, did I begin to be successful and blend in with other women in the world. 

Once I had accomplished all of the fashion, hair and makeup necessities, I allowed myself to further push my gender envelope. When I did, I found myself needing to understand how women exist in the world. Or how do they communicate with other women and men. I had a quite a bit of catching up to do since I was attempting to catch a moving train heading down the tracks. I did not have the benefit of growing up female with a mother or peer group to guide me. I always point out; the passive aggressive system of interaction most women operate under was the most difficult for me to learn. Since childhood, I was always used to the full-frontal confrontational world men operate in so I was attempting to survive in a whole new world.

Once I did survive, I began to push even harder, ignoring warnings from my wife on what would happen if I was ever caught. I put the male gay bars behind me and moved on to big sports bars and lesbian bars where I could actually be myself. I thought I had reached my peak when a dear friend of mine invited me to a trip to a NFL Monday Night Football game in Cincinnati. Even though I was very scared at the thought of going, I could not turn down a chance to empty my envelope and lay my gender cards on the table. Since I am not really a gambler, I hoped the lifetime of preparation I put into this moment would serve me well. 

The moment did serve me well. As always, I survived and became a better woman for it. Plus, I learned the game was only the beginning. The life in my transgender womanhood I was going to experience, would be extremely fulfilling and everything I thought it could be when I started pushing my gender envelope.

Transgender Destiny?

 

Image from Marvin 
Kuhn on UnSplash.

When some unknowing person says something like I had a choice to be transgender, I just laugh and say being trans was simply my destiny.

I believe my journey began before birth when my mom was prescribed the D.E.S. medication which was popular at the time for women who had a history of experiencing problem pregnancies. Since my mom had undergone three still births before me, it seems to me, she would have been a prime candidate for the drug when I was born in 1949. 

From the very brief studies I have seen on D.E.S., it was supposed to flood the mother's womb with estrogen. Which of course affected the fetus also. 

How ironic would it be that the initial dose of estrogen I received in the womb would later on come back to help me. It took me fifty years, but eventually I discovered when I went on HRT or gender affirming hormones, how natural I would feel. No adverse effects at all, just a warm feeling I was finally doing what was right. In other words, I was coming home. The only problem was my life was filled with the gender torment of fighting my basic will to be feminine. What if I had just given in to my instincts so much earlier. Would life had been more pleasant?

The problem was though, gender was never cut and dry with me. I was cursed with a male body which on one hand kept the bullies away but on the other, made it very difficult to obtain a feminine look when I found the secret time to cross dress as a girl. I had to take one or another which caused me considerable stress to my mental health. Waking up every day wondering if I was a boy or a girl, was certainly no fun. 

Plus, there was absolutely no one I could explain my gender issues to. I grew up in a male dominated family and knew there would be no way I could be accepted. I knew, even being caught in girls' clothes would earn me a trip to a psychiatrist. Deep down, I knew there was nothing mentally wrong with me, so I did want not any part of a visit. Remember, this was back in the 1950's when there was little to no knowledge of gender issues. In fact, gender issues were labeled as mental disorders. All that happened was, I was driven deeper into my feminine gender shell.  

As time went on, I developed a very thick shell which when I finally ready to do so, was difficult to escape from. In other words, I needed to establish too many levels of feminine escape before I made the final jump to the other gender frontier. I needed to slowly discover if the other gender as a transgender woman would provide me what I had been missing all of my life. I felt as if I was sliding down a slippery slope into a valley, I knew very little about. 

As I slid down the slope, I saw bit and pieces of my old life go by as I mourned some of the pieces and I rejoiced at others. As I felt more and more comfortable in my new transgender womanhood, I knew the landing would be as soft as possible. I found my gender needs had changed, for the best. I finally took my chance at the age of sixty to forever change my life and live fulltime as a transgender woman.

I finally had my chance to fulfill my D.E.S. destiny. I could not reclaim the time I had lost but I could lead a better life going forward.

Transgender Lines

 

My friend Racquel.

During my journey to transgender womanhood, I often went past gender goals without even realizing it. Or, I was too busy living my life, I could not slow down enough to enjoy where I was.

Along the way, I was careful to set goals for myself such as not being satisfied to present successfully in mall and clothing store situations where people were more into my money than gender. What I started to do was go to lunch or an early dinner when I was cross dressed to judge the reactions I was getting. Even though I was not totally successful in my feminine presentation, I was learning. I found employees at restaurants were more apt to accept me when I was pleasant, minded my own business and of course, tipped well. Plus, I was easy to remember and became a protected regular quite easily when I made wise decisions on where I decided to go.

In other words, stay out of the redneck venues so prevalent where I lived in southern Ohio. I learned the hard way in one place I went when I had the police called on me as I tried to use the bathroom. After it happened, I gathered myself and went a short distance up the street to another venue I knew I would be accepted in. I certainly should have seen that line coming up before I tried to step over it. The stubbornness which I carried over into my transgender struggles, served me well as I kept trying to succeed.

At the same time, I had a new set of confidences set in. I encountered a diverse set of acquaintances which I write about often. The give and take I went through as a brand-new trans woman helped me to stabilize who I was searching to be. Before I knew it, there were many new lines I was crossing. Since the groups I was socializing with were very diverse, I needed to confront lingering questions about my sexuality. One group had a man I was getting along with wonderfully and on the other side, I had several lesbians I was getting along with too. Mixed in also, was Racquel, a transwoman who often joined our group, and who to say, any of them really liked me.

It was about this time all the lines I was attempting to cross started to blur. Was I into the man, I liked, the lesbians I liked or even the transgender woman I knew? I knew I had quite a bit to consider so I kept going out and researching to hopefully come to a better understanding of who I was in my new life. 

Finally, I was able to sort it out, or it sorted itself out for me. The man I knew, and Racquel moved away and I was able to maintain my relationship with several lesbians. In essence, my decision was made for me. Choices have consequences and with a little help I made mine. 

All the lines I did not see did not trip me up. I was more flexible than I ever imagined possible, and I made my way into my transgender womanhood. 

What is the End Game?

 

JJ Hart, Woman in Red.

Wow! My journey was a long one to transgender womanhood where I always thought I should be. Nearly fifty years from being a part-time cross dresser to fulltime transgender woman. 

The problem was getting there, because the end game scared me so much. I was in my own gender quicksand and could not seem to get out. I had no dashing cowboy riding up to rescue the damsel in distress. I was on my own. So, I persisted through countless days in front of the mirror or combing through thrift stores searching for just the correct fashion statement.

The more I learned about my feminine self, the more I realized how strong she was and how I needed to protect our relationship. The more I did, the more I began to see the end game could be in sight, if I wanted it bad enough. I knew the possible pain of giving up family, friends, spouses and employment to see the end game in person. The problem was, I was gaining more and more experience in my feminine life and every time I did, I did not want to go back to my unwanted, boring male self but I did. Over and over again until it wrecked my mental health and almost cost me my life. 

Still, I kept my eye on the goals I had set which brought me ever closer to my end game of living life as a transgender woman. Along the path I had set for myself, I still had very real doubts if I could do it. I also found out quickly, just daydreaming my life away about being a woman or cross dressing in front of the mirror was not working anymore. I needed to get out in the public's eye and live to be certain I could do it all if I needed to. 

Spoiler alert, I needed to learn all I could to survive in the very competitive world of women. I thought men were bad, but women brought a whole new intensity of competitiveness to their world with other women. In order to survive in the girls' sandbox, I needed to bring a whole level of intensity myself to keep up because on occasion there was quite a bit of kicking and scratching going on behind my back. Once I adjusted to the new world I was in, I was OK after all the scratches on my back healed. Plus, I always kept in the back of my mind, I needed to be better than the average cisgender woman to survive. Mainly because I had so much more catching up to do and I never wanted to get discovered presenting the least bit as masculine. If I ever did and slipped back into old habits, I would have to work so much harder to regain my place in the world as a trans woman.

As I did, I found I naturally was fitting into my authentic life, I found myself at a crossroads of gender. Most importantly, at the crossroads I could see what my end game was. Since I was increasingly thriving in my transgender womanhood, I saw no reason to go back. When I did, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and life was livable again. 

I had found my end game was achievable and when I did, all things were possible.  

Opening Transgender Doors

 

Image from Sara Darcaj on Unplash.

To me, life is a process when we are born and doors open and when you die, and doors close.

For transgender women and trans men, sometimes the process is more intense. Depending upon where you view yourself in the gender process, we go through a series of doors until we reach our dreams. On a personal note, I think I went through at least three or four transitions before I arrived where I am today. The first realization I had was when I was quite young and understood when I looked in the mirror cross dressed, it was only the beginning. I wanted to do so much more than just look like a girl; I wanted to live her life also. I equated it to the problems I had with my gender roller coaster. When I was able to dress as my feminine self, I was satisfied and happy, for a couple days until I became depressed and moody again. Looking back, I equate the process with knowing I was transgender but back then, the information on being trans just wasn't available.

My second big transition came when I learned I did not have to wait another whole year between Halloweens to test the world as me. I was desperate not to have to wait a whole year before I could learn again the feminine lessons I needed to move on to my next major transition. I refer to it quite a bit as the time I suddenly realized I wasn't a part-time cross dresser at all, I was a much scarier prospect, I was a transgender woman. A term which was just being known and popularized. I say scarier because accepting the fact I was transgender meant I needed to apply a deeper understanding to who I was on another level. Not just reapplying myself to more effective feminine presentations. Along the way, I had reached the point when I could blend in with society as myself, so I had the time and inner energy to move my life forward towards my dream which involved my next transition. 

The important aspect of my next major door to go through was the simple knowledge I could indeed establish a new life on the other side of the gender frontier. Confidence was everything as I decided to knock on the door of gender affirming hormones. I bravely sought out a doctor who would prescribe my minimal dosages of the meds until he could see I had no adverse problems. At that point, it was obvious to me my body had taken to the new hormones in a very unprecedented way. It was as if I should have been on the new treatment all my life. 

In turn, the changes the hormones made were nothing short of amazing. I could and have written entire blog posts on the hormonal subject and what it meant to me. At the least, all the doors I was able to go through in my life, made life much less boring and interesting. Just wondering what would be behind the next door was scary but exciting since changing genders into what you always should have been, made life worthwhile for me. 

Without doors to encounter, my life began to slow, and I had a chance to enjoy my true self thanks to new friends I had made. Along with my desire to see what is behind the next door.

A Line in the Sand

Image from Lance Asper
on UnSplash

 It has been over a decade now when I decided to finally draw a line in the sand and give up on my well-worn, unwanted male self.

I say well worn, because I had spent nearly sixty years trying my best to live up to the supposed ideals of the male gender. It was exhausting keeping up with all the testosterone driven male "club." Still, I persisted and managed to build a fairly successful life. Once I was successful and had built up my share of male privilege, it was difficult to want to give it all up.

The pressure of having the possibility to live my dream of transgender womanhood finally got the best of me after a very serious suicide attempt. Finally, I needed to draw the line in the sand and do the right thing. The thing I had worked all those years of being a cross dresser to do. Even still, I knew deep down what I needed to face and do. It was just because at times, the line appeared to me as deep as a canyon. It was scary trying my best to jump it and exactly what was on the other side. I was fortunate in that I was able to research deeply what a life would be like as a transgender woman. 

I did my best to live out the life I would expect to live if I transitioned from a cross dresser to transgender woman. Against all personal odds, I was able to find a whole new set of friends and acquaintances who accepted my authentic self. They in turn, taught me so much about being myself. What worked and what did not. For example, I did not want to be too loud or impulsive but on the other hand I could not be very introverted because I would be mistaken for being bitchy. For a while, it was touch and go in my learning process, until I felt confident. 

I compare the process to a gentle pleasant wind coming up and blowing away my line in the sand. Very soon, I could not see where it even was. When it happened, it made up for every male privilege I lost. Quickly I forgot how I felt when I was "mansplained" by a guy or how I felt when I made to feel I had lost part of my intelligence just because I was a woman. I just knew how important I felt when I had finally arrived on the other side of my line in the sand.

Old friends, and part of my family were gone but quickly I was able to replace them with new friends and another accepting family unit. In many ways, life was still terrifying but so much more exciting and satisfying. I should have never waited as long as I did to erase my line in the sand. No more thoughts of suicide and for once being able to be myself were just a couple of the benefits. 

A Spectator in my Own Life

 

Image from Ryan 
Mangino on UnSplash.

There were many times during my life as a transgender woman, I felt as if I was a spectator looking in on the action.

The whole process was very strange to say the least as I was thinking, just who was that person. Plus, having the chance to think what I was doing was a totally different sensation. The entire problem stemmed I think, from the earlier years of my life when I was positive, I was two different people all together. One male and one female. It was not until much later on when I began to realize I was always feminine and fought all things male when I could.

Slowly but surely, I began to realize the truth and began to notice my cross-dressing nights out involved much more than just attempting to look the best I could. My spectator began slowly to change away from watching a male life unfold to watching a female one do the same. Helping me were the girls-night-out invitations I received. Following a bout of impostor's syndrome, I suffered through, I settled down and enjoyed myself. When I came to the conclusion I had just as much right there as the next woman. We had all came to our right of womanhood through different paths and mine was just different.

Finally, I grew tired of just being a spectator in my feminine life and wanted more. More meant being a spectator in my male life. Since I was still working and living part-time as a man, it meant I really needed to concentrate on my speech and movements when I was still a guy. In fact, there were a couple of embarrassing times when I was called Ma'am at work when I was in male mode. 

Early on, being a spectator in my own life was certainly a curiosity. Especially, when I thought I was just a cross dresser and putting on a dress was just a hobby. The closer I moved to true transgender womanhood, the more I learned that was not true. As I always say, the key moment in my life came when I realized I was not a man cross dressing as a woman, I was a woman cross dressing as a man. The tragic part was I went through male puberty and was testosterone poisoned as I grew up. I did not appreciate when my soft body turned to hardened angles as well as the other male changes but there was nothing I could do.

When I found my gender destination, I stopped being a spectator and began to be a more involved participant. For me, flipping my gender became an intensely frightening but natural part of my life. Living my dream was so dominant in my thought pattern, I had no problem with girls-nights-out and even could not wait for them. My newfound confidence as a woman completely pushed any idea of me being a spectator aside and opened the door for me to be a more well-rounded participant. Of course, confidence always grows more confidence, and I grew to the point where I had nothing else to prove to the other women I was around.

As I look back, being a spectator in my own life as sometimes a necessary but very different part of my existence. The entire process sometimes helped me to understand where I was going towards my dream of transgender womanhood.  

No Struggle no Progress

 

Image from UnSplash.

Basically, when it comes to doing anything really important in life, to progress you need to struggle.

As far as being transgender, often it seems our struggles are impacted. First of all, most of us are not blessed with any natural feminine characteristics to work with. At least, I did not think I had any except perhaps my legs which often ruined my fashion sense when I tried to focus on my legs and not try to cover up my wide torso and broad shoulders. I struggled with my overall image until I got it right and I began to blend in with the public at large. 

Far more important to me was the mental struggle which went along with my journey to transgender womanhood. For the longest time, it seemed as if every step forward I achieved in the world as a novice transgender woman was met by taking three steps back. Or when I thought I had conquered the world of high heels, I would catch my heel in a sidewalk crack and break it. Who knew you had to put so much work into being a girl and it was only the beginning. 

Along the way, my life became a battle between two genders and for the most part, the battle destroyed me. Especially, my already frail mental health since I was already diagnosed as being Bi-Polar, I did not need any other problems I never asked for. Regardless, life moved on as I tried to roll with the punches. I was cross dressing as much as I could while at the same time, I was trying to live a life as a successful man. I managed to stay married to the same woman for twenty -five years while at the same time making good progression in my employment career. Sadly, I was stubborn, and struggle was all I knew as I lived my life. If I would have ever relaxed and looked around, I would have seen much of my progress came from just running from my problems and not facing them. My wife said it best one day when we were locked in yet another brutal argument. She said, why did not I be man enough to be a woman. The logical answer to the question was, I simply was not ready and still had a lot to learn before I jumped the male gender ship and began to live as a transgender woman. 

Very soon, my struggles reached a critical tipping point where progress was becoming the norm. I was reaching the point where I could be man enough to be a woman out of sheer determination. Sadly, by this point, my wife had passed away, so she never had a chance to meet the woman I had become. Again, I needed to struggle through a new reality of being alone after all of those years. It did not take me long to turn to my feminine self for help. In fact, the last date I had set up with another woman as a man was to an outdoor concert. At the last minute, the woman backed out, so I did the next best thing and took myself. My feminine self-had a great time and I never tried to go out with a woman as a man again.

As I began to see and reach my potential as a transgender woman, my mental health improved as well as my life as a whole. When it did, my struggles went with it.

And Then he Was Gone

 

JJ Hart at Club Diversity
Columbus, Ohio

It took me nearly a half a century to rid myself of my male self and begin living as my authentic feminine self.

Even though much of my progress towards my gender goal was physical, much was mental also. The physical part I am referring to was the portion of my transition which revolved an intense period of time I went through attempting to judge my appearance in my own personal mirror. I was so into myself, my wife began to call me the pretty, pretty princess and told me I was ignoring what a woman really was. She was right and it took me years of research and struggle to learn what she really meant. 

As I learned, the more my male self-fought me as he did not want to give up any of his life and male privileges he had fought so long to earn. It seemed every small gender victory was hard earned until he was gone.

Perhaps the biggest factor against him was I felt so excited and natural in the new world of transgender womanhood I was creating. Surely, I was still having my ups and downs when I tried out the public when I went out, but the downs were becoming fewer and farther between. Plus, my amount of terror I was still experiencing as a transgender woman was decreasing by the day. I think now, the major reason was I finally made the mental decision to go forth in the world as a woman on my own terms rather than the part time cross dresser I had somehow portrayed myself to be. Some may say I was dealing in semantics, but the thought pattern was a revelation for me. 

As he disappeared, my female self-had no problems filling the void in my life. My long-buried woman self-had no problem putting her past behind her as she stepped out into the bright lights of a new world. I think having no resentment made her a better person people could relate to and like. In fact, I found many new people related to me as a woman than ever before as a man. 

Ironically, after a very slow start to the fifty years of gender discovery I endured, once I seriously started my transition. time went very fast. Perhaps, it was because every night I went out, I was learning so much new on not being just the pretty, pretty princess and finally experiencing what my wife told me about being a woman was all about. Or I was finally given the chance to go behind the feminine gender curtain into a world dominated by women. When I did, I found women ran their own world their own way without the help of men. During the girls' nights out, I was invited to I learned what was important to women and not men. Even along the way, I learned the power of non-verbal communication between women when one night I was warned away from an intoxicated man in a venue I was a regular in by a bartender I knew. With one look, I immediately went the other way away from him and was safe.

Finally, after so much learning and experiencing a new life as a transgender woman, I think my male self-saw the writing on the wall and decided he was done. When he did, a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. It seemed carrying two people all those years took a toll on me, and I wanted out. 

Staying in your Own Lane

 

Image from Gabriel
Silverio on UnSplash.

As I transitioned into my own version of transgender womanhood, there were plenty of opportunities to not stay in my own lane.

First of all, I needed to get my presentation house in order so I could even receive a fair chance at starting. Paraphrasing "Stana" of "Femulate Blog" fame, in order to pass properly, I needed to first signal before I accelerated and moved to the outside lane. For me, acceleration was not an immediate or easy thing to do. Before I began to see any progress, I needed to put the mirror behind me and seek approval from the public at large. Once I was able to do that, then I needed to push away any of my ingrained male thoughts I was having on how I should look. He was leading me towards a totally trashy look which was attracting too much negative attention. If I wanted to stay in the feminine lane and be successful at all, I would have to change...quickly.

Once I began to be more comfortable and accepted in the feminine lane I was in, I needed to then learn all the nuances of the new life I had chosen. Immediately, the concept of passive aggression got to me. Too many times, I was fooled by another woman's smiling face or indirect suggestions. Examples included the times when I was complimented on how I looked. I was told how good I looked without the extra statement, for a man dressed as a woman. Regardless, I had too many claw marks down my back from encounters with women who I perceived as harmless. It took me awhile to learn the new lane I was in with other women. Once the scars healed on my back, I developed the knowledge and thick skin I would need to get in the passing lane and survive.

As I cautiously began to live more and more in my new gender lane, the more natural life became. I developed a whole new group of women friends and learned tons of ideas from them on how to stay where I was. The group of us partied into many nights and I discovered I was still messing up by trying to live in both gender worlds. I guess you could say, when the going became rough in the feminine lane I was in, I could always escape back into my male privileged world I knew so well. Finally, with the help of my friends who were primarily lesbians, they taught me my validation did not have to come from men, it could come from within. It was the only signal I needed to switch gender lanes and stay there.

These days, with the current political climate, we transgender women and trans men are trying to be forced back into our original lanes. It is in times such as these when we still have to be as visible as possible and live our lives as authentically as possible. As I have written several times, my own demarcation point of support is coming up in May with the Veterans Administration health care system. In May I have an appointment with my Endocrinologist and the opportunity to get my Estradiol prescription renewed. I naturally don't have total confidence the government won't step in and block my gender affirming hormones. I am sure, I will be writing about my fears as the date gets closer.

I am desperately trying to stay in my own lane which meant years ago I was able to live as the person I was always meant to be. At my current age of seventy-five, there is no way I am going back to my old lane I was unhappily living.     

A Push versus a Dream

 

JJ Hart

I often describe my journey to transgender womanhood as the impossible dream. 

On the other hand, I cannot ignore all the pushing I needed to do to arrive at my goal. My pushing started at a very young age when I was first cross dressing in front of the mirror. To begin with, I needed to push hard to find hiding places for my exceedingly small, treasured collection of feminine wardrobe selections. I resorted to old boxes in the garage attic, all the way to a hollowed-out tree in the woods next door to our house. In trash bags. Anything to stay safe with my secret. I knew if I was exposed, life as I knew it would be over.

I did push on and survive so my dream was still intact when I went to college and then served out my time in the military. My military time was especially stressful as I needed again to carefully conceal any idea, I was feminine at all. Through it all, I needed to keep my thoughts centered on a far-away dream I had of being able to live as a transgender woman. Sadly, there were too many times when I did not see how I could make it at all. Especially when the Army was strongly reinforcing my manhood. 

As in many other facets of life, the Army came and went leaving me a sense of freedom of what I could do concerning my gender issues. My first marriage came shortly following my discharge from the military and left me still wondering about what was going on. My first wife knew I was a cross dresser and did not really care, so I was left on my own to make any gender decisions I might decide on. This was back in the late 1970's and there was very little information on even being a cross dresser available. Again, I was on my own until the computer became a reality, and I was able to reach out to others. I learned quickly I was not alone and began to push for more clarity in my life. I even was able to dream more frequently of being able to live as my authentic self.

Before I did, I needed to determine what my authentic self really was and push to get there. This meant going down a largely selfish road as I carefully checked my gender boxes. It took me years to figure it out until I was able to merge how hard I was pushing with my ultimate gender dream of a being a transgender woman. My authentic self which was revealing her-self When she did, she left no doubt on why I felt the way I had my entire life. Something was not quite right, and I pushed on to figure out what the problem was. In the meantime, I treaded water cross dressing in front of the mirror until I found the courage and confidence to try going public.

Each and every time I was successful at all in dealing with the world, my dream was re-ignited, and I started to push through or totally ignore any gender warning signs I encountered. Everything I was doing put me completely at odds with my second wife, who again knew I was a cross dresser but never wanted me to leave the house dressed. Not only did I break my promise to her, but I also went as far as beginning a whole new life. My new life rapidly became very important to me mainly because I was happier and the whole life felt so much more natural.

My lifetime full of pushing finally aligned with my ultimate dream of transgender womanhood. Destiny opened my gender doors at the age of sixty and I took complete advantage. 

Burning Gender Bridges

 

Image from Adam Wilson
on UnSplash

During my life, I have always excelled in self-destruction. It seemed, whenever I had succeeded in anything positive, I always tried to tear it down. 

I blame the entire process on two basics, one of which on how I was raised. My parents never accentuated the positive at any time. If I received a "B" in any class, invariably I heard, why didn't I earn an "A" and I was not applying myself properly. The other basic was anything I accomplished as my male self; I did my best to reject. I did not in any way want to accept any success I earned as a male. So, I did my best to burn the gender bridge I created. 

Of course, the more I went down my gender path towards transgender womanhood, the more bridges I needed to burn. Everywhere I looked, the stakes were higher in life. All along I was accumulating more and more success as my unwanted male self which made my decision so much more difficult. Still, I forged on with my torch burning brightly. To hell with the results, I was going to attempt to follow my gender dreams anyway. Finally, I arrived at the point where seemingly I was subconsciously trying to sabotage myself. In many ways, I was desperately attempting to hide my deep dark cross-dressing secret while, on the other hand, I secretly wanted everyone to know I had always wanted to live as my authentic feminine self and did not care what they thought. Still, I needed to be careful as I had deep roots to my male past. Spouses, family and jobs were at stake. So, I tried to be sure of what I was doing before I cut the gender tree down.

Perhaps the most substantial bridge I needed to burn was to my job. I was a very successful restaurant manager in a regional/national casual restaurant chain. The management was very male dominated, and I knew there was no way I could ever transition in the same job. 

I decided to try going to other similar food/bar competitors thinking no one would recognize me. Long story short, I found out the hard way I was recognized as a version of my male self. To make matters worse, I tried to frequent my own operation and was close to being immediately recognized. In doing so, I burnt a major bridge which I don't think my wife ever found out about. It was bad enough when she knew I was breaking the agreement we had for me to never leave the house as a transgender woman.

The new bridge I built when I burnt the old one was when I decided to buy my own restaurant. I figured if I was the owner, no one could tell me what to do. That was true to an extent until one night a very evil former acquaintance met me in the parking lot to tell me my lifestyle was keeping the public away where we operated. I don't know how true what he said was but one way or another, I had burnt all my gender bridges and there was no way I could ever go back. 

When I transitioned and began my life as a transgender woman, I was able to build new strong bridges for the first time in my life. It was like my feminine soul was excellent in her building skills and could not wait for a chance to thrive.

The sad part was/is how much destruction I had to go through just to arrive at where my dream could be born. It turned out the birth was the easiest part of it all, as I set out to live a fulltime new life in my transgender womanhood. I finally had the chance to put my fire out. At least the destructive one.   

Take Nothing for Granted

 

A night out with JJ Hart.

Last night, my wife Liz, her adult son and I went out to dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant. When we did, several questions came to mind.

I wondered of course if I would encounter any unapproving vocal fellow patrons who were protesting the mere presence of a transgender woman in the venue. Since we had been there many times in the past, I did not have much fear of that happening. Again, last night, nothing happened as I was treated the same as any other guest in the very busy venue. 

Then, I began to worry further about the influence of our current felon in chief and his attacks on illegals. I wondered what the Hispanic staff thought or worried about future ICE raids in Cincinnati which is considered a sanctuary city which should make it a target from the tRumpt goons. 

I had plenty to think about as we waited our fifteen minutes to be seated. As I people watched, I naturally wondered how many had voted for the felon. How could they? But, on the plus side, I was back out after myself imposed Covid quarantine. It felt great to be out and about and finally free from all the disease's evil effects. 

Everyone around us was minding their own business and we were minding ours. All the way to being addressed to as "ladies." Which is always very affirming. Through the entire evening, I was able somehow to put my election bitterness behind me and have a good time.

Hopefully, I did not overdo it and will have the opportunity to do it again soon. Also, I hope the masses who voted for the administration who is trying to erase all transgender people everywhere in the country will somehow feel the error of their ways. My personal paranoia date is coming up in May with my endo doc. Then, I will need a refill to my Estradiol hormones. Since I am under the Veterans Administration health care system, at any time I fear, the orange felon could reach out and try to cancel my care. We shall see and I will be forced to take it one day at a time.

In the meantime, I can take nothing for granted. It seems as if someone could always be coming for my back simply because I am transgender and I refuse to be erased.