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JJ Hart on left with wife Liz on right. |
I know I start out too many posts with reference to exploring my mom’s clothes and makeup when I was very young, but I did. Even though I was caught in the thrill of the moment, I knew quickly that a couple things would be happening. The first of which was, I knew deep down I would not be escaping the urge I had to dress in girl’s clothes anytime soon. And the second of which was, I knew somehow, I wanted to do more than look like a girl and parade in front of a mirror, I wanted to experience the world girls around me lived in
All of this created severe stress and tension as I tried to
internalize my thoughts. I daydreamed during any spare moment I had trying to
figure out how I could live out my feminine dreams. I will forever wonder about
how much quality life I lost when I was in another gender dimension. In fact,
my daydreaming took me way into the years of my military service when I was able
to take a spare moment and dream about living as I pleased as a transgender woman
after I was discharged from military service. My biggest dream was to show off
my new beautiful appearance in a new car in front of my former fiancé who
rejected me when I came out to her. Just when I needed her the most. I can’t
say any of that ever happened except in the dreams I kept alive in my mind.
Little did I know I was stuck on an extended trip as I was
making my way back home. At that point, I had made it from my mom’s clothes,
all the way to having a collection of feminine belongings I could take with me when
I traveled, just in case I had the opportunity to make one of my rare public
outings as a novice transgender woman. Home seemed as if it was a long way
away.
I struggled to with the idea of giving up all together with
being a male as I was building successes in a male world, regardless of myself.
Every time I would have success in the world as a transfeminine person, my male
self would come along and try to destroy her. It was frustrating and hard on my
mental health to say the least and home at times looked so far away in the distance.
Another problem I had was I did not know where my true home was,
and I went on several frantic searches to locate it. As I started to change
jobs and move my family to different locations, I still could not find myself.
I moved my wife all the way to the metro New York City area from Ohio, all the
way back to very rural Ohio along the Ohio River to chase my tail. To no avail,
I was attempting to chase a dream which in reality was so close to me. I could
not see the forest for the trees. She was standing tall and proud in front of
me the whole time.
Plus, I did not realize I never had the choice to live in
the gender I preferred at all. Had I taken the time to really think about who I
was and face the fact that I should have been a woman all along, it would have
saved me so much turmoil in my life. It took me finally finding my gender home
to do it. It all seems so simple to me now that I sometimes am ashamed to admit
it. I was simply the same as so many other ciswomen in the world, I would have
to face the same obstacles as they did, plus then some since I was transgender,
I needed to be better. I would have to face tougher obstacles in being accepted
for employment, education and other issues. But I knew all of that coming home,
so I was ready.
Arriving home was such a relief when I finally arrived. The gender
battle I always faced was done and my mental health improved. All the nights
out when I was alone as a trans woman came back to help me because of all the
lessons I needed to learn as I pursued my own womanhood.
Giving up on any idea of ever living as a man again freed up
my inner woman to proudly show off the home she had built over the years. It
was a long wait for her, around fifty to be exact, but she made it home.