I Just Could not Do It

 

JJ Hart. Club Diversity, Columbus, Ohio.

Every once in a while, I see a guy, or a group of guys doing routine guy things and become rather envious of them.

I remember how hard I worked to arrive at a point of being a man to just fit in and think how easy it was for me to participate after I earned my white male privileges. Then, when my gender issues caught up to me, I needed to give all my male privilege up and make the sacrifice to lead a happy life as a transgender woman.

About that time, when I am observing the men, I talked about, I remember how miserable I was just playing the old repetitive male game I was stuck in, and I feel much better. Even to the point of feeling free. Perhaps, it is because I never should have forced myself to play the male games to start with. Being born into a male dominated family as the first son, locked me into serious expectations of who I was expected to be at all times and there could be hell to pay if I was not. Regardless of the pressure I put myself under, I did my best to succeed while all the time suspecting something was wrong with how I perceived my inner gender. 

I don't know what I thought about how I could live my life the way I was doing it, but somehow, I made it to the age of sixty before I could not take it anymore, and I transitioned into my version of transgender womanhood. I say my version, because I decided I did not need any serious gender realignment major surgeries to live life the way I wanted to. I basically took all the experience I had learned as a very serious cross dresser and decided I could live full time in a new and exciting world.

Before I paint myself out to be some sort of a courageous person, I wasn't. Destiny had led me through many bouts of self-destruction to be able to live to a point where I was healthy enough to begin gender affirming hormones and femininize my body. Inside and out, it all was quite the change. As excited as I was to experience all the changes, the fact was not lost on me that I was nearly old enough to retire early and start Social Security which took me away from any negative ideas about transitioning on a job. Old or new. 

All of a sudden, almost all of my major hurdles to transitioning were taken away, even to the point of the Veterans Administration approving HRT for its health care members. So, at the least, I would have to pay less for my femininizing meds. Even though, they were not free. 

One night, when I was again feeling sorry for myself because of my lifelong gender issues, I finally came to the conclusion I did not have to do it anymore. I was sure of the fact I did not want to live as a man any longer and had paid nearly all my dues not to do it anymore. 

Regardless of any remaining envy I felt as how easy it was for me to enjoy any male privileges I had gained over the years; it was not enough to keep going as a man. I just could not do it and survive. 

The Darkness

 

Transvestia Magazine 1960.

The darkness in my transgender closet was intense and complete. I had no windows or doors to let any light in at all.

One of the problems I had was I lived in the pre-internet era when there was little to none gender information to learn from. I needed to wait for my monthly issue of "Virginia Prince's" Transvestia Magazine for so called heterosexual cross dressers only to learn there were others like me struggling with gender issues in the world at all. Even with the brief glimpse into the lives of others, I had very little of light in my dark lonely closet. I was very far away from knowing there was absolutely nothing wrong with being me. 

With guidance from the back pages of Transvestia, I managed to gather the confidence to attend a relatively close by mixer, blending cross dressers of every sort (or transvestites as they were known back then) with transsexuals. Remember, the transgender term was not used at the time. At the time, I was very naive and thought going to a mixer or two would help me out of my gender closet.  I was wrong and all I learned was I needed to go back to my dark closet until I learned more concerning others who might share gender issues with. 

What I did learn was there was no easy way to fit in with the transvestite community. I was too much of a woman for the parttime cross dressers and not enough to fit in with the transsexuals I met who were waiting for gender realignment surgery. Deep down I knew, I was not prepared for the surgeries needed to change my genitals and gender was not between my legs for me anyhow. It was between the ears in my brain. All the process did at the time was enable me to look for a brighter light in my closet. 

Sometimes I believe that unless you have experienced a dark closet yourself, it is impossible to explain to a person who never had to go through it. I know also, there are many of you who read the blog are hopelessly stuck in your own closets. Especially, with an increasingly politically charged anti-transgender world around us. Hopefully, you live in an area which is more liberal and welcoming to those with gender issues. 

I write often about how my life slowly changed through several transitions as I deluded myself as to who I really was. I internalized my true gender for nearly fifty years. Early on, I told myself I was a man cross dressing as a woman, when the opposite was true. I was a woman cross dressing as a man the best I could. At the same time, I was nearing one of the most important transitions of my life, when I began to think of myself as a transgender woman and not a cross dresser. It was only at that point, when the darkness began to lift from my life, and I could live again. 

Hopefully, your gender life as a cross dresser or transgender person is not ruled by darkness and the light at the end of the tunnel you see is not the train.

Building Gender Bridges

 

Image from Alexander Rotker 
on UnSplash.

I have always been one to build too many bridges to jump off of in my life. 

In fact, if I don't have anything to worry about, I will create something. Looking back, I was especially bad at building huge, tall bridges when I was at the height of my trip to transgender womanhood. I felt I was partially justified in doing so because of all the problems I experienced when I was coming out of my gender closet. 

Before I began my trip, I was a fairly freewheeling person. If something happened for me to take care of, I would and at the same time, not spend much time worrying about my future. Even though I still faced major problems in my life, I could still conquer them, or escape back behind my skirts, heels and hose to hide. As I progressed in my life, I found my time was running out as a parttime cross dresser. Either I needed to do more or purge myself altogether of a pastime which had kept me from jumping off so many bridges I had built. 

Another problem I discovered was when I began to be more skilled at building my gender bridges was becoming, I was increasingly under more pressure to be successful. The more success I felt as a transgender woman, the easier my life became except for the very serious bridges I faced such as communication with the world. 

The best time I have for building my bridges is late at night when I am trying to sleep. These days, I have plenty of things to worry about. In fact, next week, my wife Liz and I will be heading north to my daughters, mother in laws lunch. During that time, I hope to find out what has happened to my transgender grandchild job offer as a civilian nuclear engineer with the Navy in Maine. Hopefully they have been able to stay under the radar so far and has maintained the job which they wanted to start this fall. (They is their preferred pronoun.)

Going to see the family is always very affirming as I have been accepted for years as my authentic feminine self. Early on it was very difficult for me to adjust to because nearly everyone in the room had known me for years as my old male self. Others including my first wife, who is the mother of my only child usually always attends, and she has a difficult time sometimes not referring to me with the proper pronouns when recounting a few of the long-ago days when I was trying to live as a macho man. Plus, we also met each other while we both served in the Army in Germany. With all the extra baggage I carry when it comes to her, I think she has done a good job of building a new bridge to me over the years.

Now, at my advanced age of seventy-five, I find myself looking ahead at the biggest bridge of all. When it is time to enter a new reality when I pass on. I have decided to do the best I can with all the aches and pains I have and keep a positive attitude. Of course, there are other major bridges to think about also when and if I need to enter assisted living, which I am not looking forward to. Liz and I were supposed to attend a special seminar put on by an attorney specializing in "elder law", but Liz got sick, and we did not go. So sometime in my future, I need to insist we find an attorney to give us a consultation. 

In life, it seems, there are always bridges to build. It is just a special problem unique to gender conflicted transgender women and trans men. Overtime, we can become very good builders and even better at hiding our results. Fortunately, there are more and more trained therapists to help us these days. Ironically, some of us have to go through several therapists until we can find the proper fit. So, we can find someone who can build a solid bridge, rather than tear it all down. Which, if you are like me, you tried to do many times during various purges. 

Relax!

 

Image from Clem Onojeghuo
on UnSplash.

As transgender women or transgender men, often relaxation can be a key to our survival. The sad part is relaxation can be very difficult to come by. 

If you are like me, when you first discovered the pleasures of dressing in your mom's or sister's clothing, there was an extreme element of danger involved. If my secret was ever discovered, life as I knew it would be destroyed. With that hanging over my head, it was very hard to relax. Somehow, I thought as the years rushed by, I could relax as I enjoyed looking at myself in the mirror cross dressed as a girl, but I did not.

In fact, it got worse the more I ventured into the world for the first time as a self-proclaimed transgender woman. I was concentrating on making sure I was on point with my fashion, makeup and hair, I just could not relax on the reality of putting the appearance I achieved into moving as best I could as a woman. My best laid plans of presenting as an attractive woman could quickly be destroyed by moving like a linebacker when I walked. So, until I earned the confidence I needed to be out in the world, I just could not relax.

Ironically, I did get better at putting my feminized body into motion and was beginning to learn how to relax as a trans woman until an even bigger obstacle came my way. The set back came when I needed to begin to communicate with other women and men in the world. No longer could I go out preparing to be by myself, when so many people (mainly women) wanted to talk. I was caught in a new strange never-never land where I had never been before. I did not know what to do. If I was too chatty would other people, consider me too forward, and on the other hand, if I did not say enough, I would appear to be unfriendly and not approachable at all. Plus, on top of all of that, I was very paranoic in how my voice sounded to the public. 

At first, when I talked to another woman, I attempted to mimic her voice and do the best I could. Most importantly, I needed to quit anticipating what another woman was going to say to me and listen more intently than I ever did as a man. As I already knew, cisgender women were very different than men, but I was never allowed behind the gender curtain to discover the true extent of the differences. As I always mention, I had plenty of instances when I did not watch my back and ended up being clawed by a passive aggressive woman before I understood to watch for everyone. On the other hand, I had very few interactions with men and did not have to worry where they were coming from since most stayed away from me.

Through it all, today I can't say I can ever relax completely. Especially with the current state of affairs against the transgender world thanks to a certain orange felon. It's so bad in my native Ohio, the courts are battling laws which outlaw me using the restroom of my choice at all.  How am I supposed to feel about getting arrested when I am doing nothing wrong.

The only advice I can give anyone considering starting their own gender journey is to take the time to build your own confidence so you can proceed. Confidence is the key to relaxing as you are able to enjoy the path to your new life. 

I Made Nothing

 

Image from Camillo 
Contreras on UnSplash.

Several of my earliest memories of success as a cross dresser came during the Halloween parties I went to. 

When I wore my very short mini dresses, showing off my freshly shaven legs, I found I had several women come up to me and say, I "made" a good-looking woman. Years later, when I began to understand "woman speak" better, what they probably meant was I "made" a good-looking woman, for a man dressed as one. 

Furthermore, I soon came to realize, I was not making anything. I was simply being who I was. In order to learn that simple fact, I needed to live decades of life as a parttime cross dresser or novice transgender woman. Or I needed to live my gender truth before I could claim it. I needed to get out of the mirror and into the world to learn if I really belonged there. Those were the days when no one in the world around me would give me a break. The public was laughing at me (rightfully so) because for the most part, I was dressed like a clown in drag. Plus, my old male self, my second wife and my mirror did not want to let go of me. Making my life miserable and destroying what I had left of my mental health.

Juggling two genders at once was a tremendous challenge when I caught myself practicing living one gender when I should not have been. Being called "Ma'am" at my macho management job was certainly not cool or good but somehow, I survived to live on to the next day when I was determined to do better.  What happened was, I did keep getting better at my feminine side and increasingly began to leave my male side behind, which scared him.

Fear, as they say, is a powerful motivator and instead of giving up, my male side and my second wife grew increasingly close and forced a battle of the wills. In other words, neither one of them wanted to lose their place in the world. Which included my universe. It turns out, I did make something...a huge mental mess for myself. It is one of the excuses I make for taking nearly fifty years to break out of my gender bonds and flourish out of my closet and mirror. I just had to make sure I was making the right choice and there was so much pressure on me. 

As I grew out of the mental gender mess, I had made for myself, I gained the critical confidence I needed to establish myself as a secure transgender woman. Not just a femininized man. Since I had spent a lifetime getting there, the personal coming out was extra special to me. It was as if my feminine self was telling me what took so long. As it turned out, I shared her belief in wondering why I took so much time and wasted so much nervous energy I wish I had back. As we all know, worrying over what we did in the past is a waste of time, unless we are learning from our mistakes.

I felt better when I realized I did not make anything, when it came to my gender issues. Rather, I inherited them from some unknown source which made life a challenge. A challenge I needed to finally accept before the pressure I put on myself had grown too heavy to carry and I had to put it down and go with the life which made me feel natural and alive. When my transgender womanhood became secure thanks to friends I had, I felt so much better as I built a new life.

Do the Right Thing

 

Image from UnSplash.

I learned early on from my parents when in doubt, you should always do the right thing. At the same time, I learned from them, dressing to look like a girl was not doing the right thing. So, I needed to completely hide it.

Later, when I attempted to navigate my gender path, I found many obstacles I did not foresee hurting me. But they did and brought about many doubts. Of course, the main doubt was, should I be doing all the cross dressing I was doing in public at all. Still, I persisted and improved my craft at presenting well as a femininized person. Finally, I arrived at a point where I could leave my dark gender closet and attempt to live a new scary yet exciting life. The more I explored as a novice transgender woman, the more I wanted to do. Which brought me back to the question, was I doing the right thing. 

Similar to so many of you, I suffered from extreme guilt as my second wife kept telling me my gender desires were selfish pursuits. The sad part of it was, for the most part, she was right. She wanted very little to do with me wanting to be a woman, so I kept it away from her. Not the right thing to do in a marriage but was my only recourse. At that time, I only had a distant dream of perhaps living someday as a transgender woman. All I needed was the courage to face my reality. 

Because of a number of reasons, I needed to do much more exploring the world as a transgender woman to see if I could survive. First, I had to look the part, then I needed to live the part. Standing in my way, were the usual questions of transitioning to another gender such as what would become of my family, friends and job. As well as did I really hate my male life that much. I wasted hour upon hour antagonizing over what I should do and would it be the right thing. 

I was stubborn of course and refused to do any more than observe several transsexual women I knew from a distance. From their stories I did know they had really good safe jobs or were close to retirement so they could support themselves whereas I did not and had no idea of what I would do for an income. Plus, I also needed to consider, both of them were flat out gorgeous and had no problems presenting in the world as women. I did not labor under any idea I even came close to being as attractive as them and did not have that going for me either. After taking all of this and much more into consideration, I did not know what I could do about my gender dilemma which was not doing my mental health any favors.

What I did do was try to continue on the path I was on. To increase my awareness of the world as a transgender woman as much as I could at a time, I went as far as I could. Even absorbing major clashes with my wife over what I was doing. I can't always say I did the right thing as I learned more and more about living in the new world I was seeking. There were too many times when I had to out and out lie to get out of situations, I found myself in. In all fairness to my wife, she told me to stop it and just become a woman to bring peace to both of us. Still, I did not have the courage to change my life and leave her behind. I did not do the right thing. 

You regulars know what happened next. My wife passed away quite tragically from a heart attack leaving me all alone with my dogs to put my life back together. I rapidly turned to my inner feminine self as the strongest person around and did the right thing and finally turned to a life I always just dreamed of. 

On a side note, I may be missing a day of blogging tomorrow as my wife Liz and I have a daylong seminar to attend. Sorry for the inconvenience!

When too Much Wasn't

 

JJ Hart (Middle) with two friends.

As I continued along my long and winding gender path, I (on occasion) ran into situations when the public seemed to be too much. 

Examples were the times I was approached in public by strangers when I did not want to be. Very quickly I needed to judge their motives. Did they see me as a man in a dress on one hand, or as a woman on the other. Naturally, it made a big difference when I returned home and rated my experiences as a novice transgender woman out in the world for the first time. How did I do? Was I too much for my own good and did I need to tone it down, or attempt to do more?

There were the times when I managed to thrive in situations where women dominated and times I could not and ran home. Back to my gender drawing board. There seemed to be so much to learn, I was overwhelmed by the task ahead of me if I was ever to achieve my dream of living a femininized life as a transgender woman. 

In the end result, normally I found too much just was not when I was trying to get ahead in a new world I was just getting used to. The problems occurred mainly in the areas of fashion and makeup, as well as where I was trying to go when I went out. Once I got them under control, I was able to build a stable new life in the girls' sandbox. Once I earned my way in. Often earning my way in, had its own set of challenges. Mainly I had to find out how to play correctly to be accepted. On the other hand, even though it was difficult to do, I had to play to learn a life's full of lessons in a hurry. As I always say, my women's workbook was blank to this point, and I needed to write it. 

I found as I struggled to fill out my workbook, I needed to be extra vigilant in how I viewed other women, since I was totally on their turf. For the most part, I did my best to hold back on my opinions and speak mainly when I was spoken too. It worked well enough until I could get my feet on the ground, and I could move forward as a transgender woman. My goal was to build my new life as a confident, intelligent woman in society, but I needed to prove to myself my goal was not too much and would destroy my dream of transgender womanhood. Fortunately, throughout my life, I had several strong positive feminine role models to work from and add to my workbook. When I was able to add their influences to the inner female, I already knew was there, the women formed a strong bond to guide me through my struggles.

Overall, I discovered rarely too much just was not. What was happening was, I was just paralyzed by fear to move on with my new life. Once I got over most of my fears, I was able to move on and be free to live a better life. A better mental health life waited for me when I quit fighting two genders to survive. 

Wait? There is More?

 

Hand Beaded Hair Beret
by Liz T Designs
Haur by JJ Hart. 

When I reached every dead end on my gender path, I thought I was finished with my dream of ever being a transgender woman.

It turned out, when I researched every dead end, most were just blind curves I needed to negotiate, so I pushed on. It turned out, one of my biggest problems I had was dealing with my own fears. Would I be discovered and laughed at or worse. When neither started to happen, I gathered my courage to do more and more in the world.

Mentally, I was able to make another major transition from cross dresser (which never worked for me), all the way to transgender, which did. The process turned out to be one of the biggest mental moves of my life and in many ways saved me from harming myself. All the years of not making a connection and connecting my gender dots were over, and finally, I was able to understand why my life had been so difficult. Mainly, it was because I was so busy fighting myself, I did not have the room to search for anything else. Keep in mind too, while this was going on, I was also trying to juggle a male life which I was succeeding at. Making it more and more difficult to give up.

Through it all, I did find out there was so much more to my femininized life than my old male one. To get there, I needed to keep pushing. I set up mini bucket lists where I wanted to try out as a trans woman to see if I would be accepted. At first, I went to the easy venues such as malls, clothing stores and bookstores to see if I could make it in my new world. Once I did, I attempted to step up my layers of difficulty to challenge myself to be better, and at the same time build my confidence to seek out more in my new life. My end goal with all of this was to discover if I indeed did have any chance to live my lifelong dream of being a woman. Even though I went too far on my bucket list ideas, I still had to push forward because so much was at stake in my life. Afterall, I had family, friends and jobs to consider among other things I did not consider yet because they were beyond the next blind corner. 

Sometimes, what was behind the next blind corner was easy to deal with and other times presented me with situations which were very difficult to deal with. Such as the time I had the police called on me due to an ill-advised rest room visit, all the way to being run out of my regular venues by a group of men who were harassing me. Predictably, it took me quite a bit of time to regain my confidence, but I did and moved on to greener gender pastures. 

One of my biggest obstacles to finding the greener pastures was my lack of knowledge in communicating as a woman. I never thought the public would want to interact with me as quickly as they did, and I was not in the least prepared for it. For the first time in my life, I needed to really listen to other people and prepare early for a proper response which was good enough to get me by. I even resorted to taking feminine vocalization courses at the Veterans Administration to help get me to the next corner to see if there was more to do. 

It always seemed there was more to do as I attempted to immerse myself into my transgender womanhood. Especially when I started gender affirming hormones. When I did, welcome changes began to happen quicker than I expected and once again, I was not prepared for what I was facing. For example, I had a timetable in my head for when I could finally put all the male life behind me and start a new life from all the gender work, I had done. Primarily, because of early surprising breast development, I needed to scrap my mental timetable and get started on my new life. From there, there would be no looking back.

From HRT forward, I thought there would be fewer mores in my life, but I was wrong. My wife Liz came along and with her, she expected me to accompany her in the world doing things I had never tried before. We went on vacations, went to the symphony as well as junk yards for car parts and made a life together. 

Now as I look to the final chapters coming up in my life, I know there are many more significant mores in my life coming up. It is just a part of life. Maybe transgender women and trans men just have more to navigate than the average person as we seek a new gender life. 

It's Complicated

Image from John Barkiple
on UnSplash.

 
In many ways, this post is an extension of yesterday's post.

In it, I attempted to write about the connection (or lack of it) between members of the transgender or cross-dressing communities. What continues to amaze me on many levels is how complicated the outside world does not see in our world. So many in the world still think all we have to do to "solve" our gender problems is as simple as not putting on a dress for transgender women, or a pair of pants for a transgender man. Granted, it is very difficult to explain what is going on in our own gender challenged minds. How could I explain my desires to others, when I could not explain it to myself. Back in those days, there were not even therapists available who had any knowledge in the gender field to provide any help.

In the meantime, I internalized all my feelings and dreams of being a transgender woman someday, much to the detriment of my own already fragile mental health. My problem was (among many) I was naive and did not realize how complicated my genders were. I had no workbook to study from. Being completely on my own, forced me into making many mistakes I did not foresee coming as I followed a curvy gender path. The only woman I sought guidance from, withheld any significant advice, basically because she just clashed with and did not like my inner feminine self which was trying to emerge. 

What I did then was move past my wife and discover what my new world as a transgender woman had in store for me. All of it was difficult in the worst way when my old male self-ganged up on me. Both of them were losing traction on claiming my world and resented it on so many levels. It stayed so complicated because I loved my wife deeply and we had built a twenty-five-year marriage often on the ashes of my gender conflicts. When I was down and out emotionally, my wife was the first to bear the brunt of my frustrations. I knew I was wrong, but there was nothing I could do to battle my overwhelmingly frequent desires to being a woman. In fact, when my second wife was still alive, I was very actively exploring the world as a transgender woman. Primarily to discover, if I could survive at all.

My explorations proved what I suspected all along. Women lived a very layered and complicated existence and being able to join in at mid-stride would not be easy. Similar to attempting to jump on a very fast moving merry go round without it slowing down. Once I found myself on the feminine ride, I was given a chance to really learn and absorb what a woman's life was all about as my brain was rewired to survive. What amazed me was how quickly I was welcomed into a woman's world as one of their own. The worst which happened to me was when I was gently laughed at by my new cisgendered women friends when they said, welcome to our world. Which I was overwhelmingly happy to be a part of.

Ironically, if I was prepared or not, I entered a world much more complicated than the gender conflicted world I left. Plus, what happened was, the more I grew into my new world of transgender womanhood, I grew away from my wife. Before she unexpectedly passed away, it became obvious our marriage was doomed to at the worst being a total split, to at the best living as two women on their own. One-way or another, fate decided the question for me.

In many ways, I wonder if I had ever imagined such a complicated journey through life was going to be in store for me. I guess at the least, I could say, life was never boring as I suffered from being the round peg being forced into the wrong square hole. My reward was being able to say I learned how both sides of the binary genders lived, and I could choose which one I wanted to live as.

If you Know, you Know

 

JJ Hart from Key Largo, Florida

One of the reasons, we transgender women and trans men have to put up with so much evil misinformation about us in the public's eye is so many people don't even know a transgender person. 

The main reason is, we are so few when you consider the population as a whole. However, within the trans community, we share many similarities. For example, many of first trips into a feminine lifestyle came when we went through our mom's dresser drawers (or sister's) and came away with a wonderful experience. Sadly, then we could not understand why all the people and family around us could not be trusted with our secret. To make matters worse, our secret was so rare, the chances of finding anyone around us who understood was nearly impossible. I only tried to relay my secret to someone who understood twice. Once I was quickly rejected and once I was not. Of course, with the first person, I went back into my closet and was never seen again. But with the other, I found a friend I could share my desires with. Until he moved away with his mother who did not care if we experimented with her clothes and makeup. I don't know for sure, all these years later but perhaps I had found the proverbial needle in the haystack. Another person who knew what I did, we loved all things feminine.

As life continued on, I began to attend various transvestite - cross dresser mixers where I received mixed feedback on how I felt about knowing others. I discovered I did not form as many gender bonds I thought I would. I figured simply we were both into cross dressing and beyond, we would get along better. Quickly I learned, I did not know most of the attendees better than the rest of the world simply because we shared the same need to be femininized. I was exposed suddenly to different layers of the world who had the same gender issues than I. Or so I thought. I found I did not know anymore how the cowboy cross dressers who I called that because they wore cowboy hats and smoked big cigars while they wore a dress, could do that. I had my upbringing when I wore slacks to a mixer and was attacked for doing it. 

Then there were the "A" listers who were very attractive an acted just like the stuck-up girls I went to high school with. I did not get along with them either and did not understand why they could not have been nicer to everyone. I guess, if you know, you know wasn't working for me just because I put on a dress. I was learning the hard way, the differences between cross dressers and transgender women. 

These days, I am involved in just one support group through the VA, which used to be known as a LGBTQ peer support group before the changes forced upon us by the orange felon. Now we are just a support group made up primarily by the gay and lesbian attendees. In fact, out of twelve or fourteen participants, I am one of only two transgender women in the group. What I have learned is, out of all the LGBTQ people in the group share many of the same problems, especially with the upcoming problems in the Veterans Administration. Once again you could say I was so involved in my little world, I did not consider others. For example, I assumed gay and lesbian people understood or supported transgender people because we are cousins so to speak. Whereas they don't understand us any better than the rest of the world. That is why I love to share my experiences with the gays and lesbians in the group. 

I am doing my best to change and understand just because I am transgender, I understand what other trans people are going through. Or they understand me. It is difficult because today more than ever, we need each other in the world to survive. 

The Biggest Risk

 

Image from Engin Ackurt
on UnSplash. 

Recently, I had a comment from "Indigo" on a post I had just completed.

"Indigo" mentioned she was just beginning her transition and wanted to know what I thought was the most important male privilege I had lost when I crossed the gender border. My answer was, by far, the biggest privilege I lost was my personal security. In the space of one year, I needed to fend off potentially harmful attacks from men which I write about often in the hopes of protecting others searching for their transgender womanhood, or even novice cross dressers. 

The first negative learning experience I had was from a person, I will refer to as a transgender admirer at a small party I was attending with my second wife. The admirer was a much larger person than I and had literally trapped me in a narrow hallway in the house we were in. It was the first time in my life I had felt powerless to fend off another person who I thought meant me harm. Ironically, it was my wife who had to rescue me when she showed up in the nick of time. Since she did not approve of the provocative short mini-dress I was wearing that night, I had to hear way too many I told you so's on the way home. It turned out the lesson I learned was to do my best to judge the surroundings I was in before I could place myself in trouble. Not in any way shape or form what I was wearing. My wife was telling me about the right things for the wrong reasons.

The second main situation I found myself in was one night when I was walking alone between two gay bars in downtown Dayton, Ohio. Out of nowhere, I was approached by two men asking for money. I was lucky when they were satisfied with taking the last five dollars I had and let me go. From the experience, I asked for friends to accompany me when and if I ever went back there. By that time in my life, I was nearly done with gay venues anyhow, so it did not matter. 

I need to mention also, both of these learning lessons occurred years ago, and times have changed for the worse. However, the fact remains, women still have to protect themselves in the world from far too many toxic men. As another reader, told me, women are raised to be aware of situations which could be dangerous, and men are not. These days, a lot matters on where you live and how far along you are in your presentation. I am fortunate to live in a city (Cincinnati) which flies the transgender flag on the Transgender Day of Visibility and in an upscale suburb of the city which I have found to be very accepting to me. On the other hand, if I would drive ten or twenty miles to the next suburb, it is very conservative and non-accepting of transgender people. Plus, under current Ohio law, which is being challenged in the courts, I am not allowed in the women's restroom, which is a problem of course regardless of where I am. 

The best I can say is to anyone who is starting your transition, is to just be careful. You have to remember you do not carry your man cards anymore. Always, park at night in lighted lots and keep your head on a swivel. I know too, many transgender women who carry small firearms to protect themselves, but as far as I have ever gone is having Mace with me at all times. On top of all of this, under the current administration, if the wrong person senses something is wrong with your presentation, they could be emboldened enough to actually say something negative. Much worse than the old days when the worse which could probably happen was when you could get laughed at by a group of teenaged girls. 

It has always been very difficult to succeed as a transgender woman or man because to make it, often we have to be better than the next person. But once again please be aware of your own personal safety when you lose all your man cards. It is the biggest risk. For every negative, there is a positive and it is there are many supporting LGBTQ or transgender groups who will support you when you need it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel which is not the train. 

Authenticity

Transgender flag flying at 
Cincinnati's City Hall.

 In order to just get by in the world, transgender women, or trans men need to be authentic. Which is always easier said than done. 

First of all, you need the confidence to try out your new self in an exciting yet scary different world. Maybe, a person smarter than me has an idea on how to provide yourself with confidence other just by just doing it. For transgender women, among other things, it means putting aside all the hard-earned male privileges we came to be used to. In order to be truly authentic in our transgender womanhood, everything male had to go. 

It took me years, or even decades to get around to living authentically as a trans woman. Before I was able to, I needed to adjust my thinking to what a woman really was, and what she had to go through during her life. As my second wife kept trying to tell me, there was so much more to womanhood than just looking like one. Finally, I started to realize what she meant, but it was not until I made it out into the world as a novice transgender woman, did I realize what she really meant. For me, it meant the girls nights out I was invited to, along with everyday communication helped me to discover my true feminine self. 

Even still, all those nights I went out to be by myself were not helping me with my authenticity. I learned the difficult way all females were not women because they were never socialized into womanhood. Through it all, I wondered where the whole process would land me. For years, I feared a hard fall in my life if I had fully transitioned into transgender womanhood, but it never happened for me. I think, the more I learned in my new life helped strangers to interact with me easier, one on one. 

Perhaps the biggest discovery in my life came when I learned firsthand how powerful my internal feminine self was. Once she sensed she had control in my life, she effortlessly took over and guided me to a soft landing when I slid off my gender cliff. One of the main things she did was making me how total the femininization process was once it got started. I guess the first thing she changed was how I looked at my life. For example, she made me realize I was never a man cross dressing as a woman, I was a woman cross dressing as a man. All of a sudden, my early life made sense as to why I could never satisfy the deep craving I had to dress as a woman, only to discover a couple days later, I would be depressed if I could not dress again and find the nearest mirror. I needed constant reassurance I was on the proper path to my own form of transgender womanhood.

I guess, authenticity can only be earned the hard way through lots of work and even experimentation.  When you do experiment, and are successful, gender euphoria and confidence set in and you are ready to move forward in your life.   

I Just Couldn't Live Without Her

 

Image from Brian Kyed
on UnSplash.

At a certain moment in my life, I had reached the point of no return where I was living with two women, the one inside of me and my wife of twenty five years.

The question remains, how did I find myself in such an untenable, precarious situation. The answer was, it was not easy, and I really had to work hard to get there. Decades, to be exact. Once I pulled myself out of the mirror, and put her into the world, I knew I could never go back to being a parttime cross dresser. I could never live without her.

Many times, I have gone through the many steps I took on my path to transgender womanhood. To provide you all with a more precise look at my actions, we need to go back to the years when my second wife was still alive. What I began to do was sneak out of the house when she was working cross dressed in the world just to see if I could. After a very rough beginning, when I was laughed at, I began to get my high-heeled feet on the ground and do better. So much better, I began to think my ultimate goal of living as a transgender woman on my own terms may actually be possible. 

From there, I began to spend every spare moment I had alone as who was to become my authentic self. I became so immersed in becoming a woman, I needed to concentrate on the times when I still had to be a man at work, or with my wife. The biggest problem I had was, deep down inside I knew which gender route I had to take to survive in the world, but I was afraid to face it. The fights between my wife and I became so bad, a couple times she just told me to be man enough to be a woman. I was not man enough to do it, but I was stubborn enough to keep trying to live a middle of the road gender life, which became impossible to maintain. My mental health suffered, and I began to be more self-destructive than I already was. All the way to attempting suicide one night.

Fortunately, I was not successful in my suicide attempt, and I proceeded down the same path I had been on before. This time taking my cross-dressing activities into my own restaurant and threatening my substantially good job. Again, deep down I felt if everyone knew of my deep, dark secret, I would be relieved of the hell I was living because I had to make a change away from the male life I was living. 

Just before my wife suddenly died, I made one last ditch effort to partially purge myself of my femininizing supplies. I went all the way to growing a beard, so at least I was telling myself I was making an effort to return to the male world. However, there was one big problem, I was miserable and about the time I needed to go back into my feminine world, my wife suddenly and tragically passed away from a massive heart attack at work. Through all of our problems, I loved her deeply and we were married twenty-five years.

I often wonder what would have happened had she lived. I think now, my internal female would have won out and I would have completed my gender transition. She would have won because I felt so natural in the world as a transgender woman. When it came down to which woman I could not live with, I would have had to have chosen the woman I should have been all along and hopefully patched up my life with my second wife. So, at the least, we could have stayed friends.

Is It Real?

 

JJ Hart. 

Every now and then I pause and reflect upon my transgender womanhood as it exists now. 

I mention often, the trials and tribulations I needed to go through to arrive at the point I am today. Similar to many of you, I went through my cross-dressing adolescence trying to shove my testosterone poisoned body into skimpy women's fashion designed mainly for teen aged girls in their prime. I would love to have back some of those days when I went out in skirts which were too short and tops which were too tight. Predictably, I attracted too much of the wrong sort of attention and had to hurry home in tears. It was real alright, and reality was no fun for me in those days. The only good thing which happened was, my inner feminine self-kept the pressure on not to quit the feminizing process and listen to her on how I should dress to face the world. Which was much different than what my male self was telling me. 

It was then I realized how different and powerful the gender world was I was seeking admission to. I learned firsthand what I had always known. Women run their own separate world oftentimes in a parallel universe to men. They have their own power struggles from cliques they form rather than the teams' men form. Perhaps, more importantly, I learned the power of passive aggression women use. Women are very good at supposedly losing the battle but coming back to win the war and a smiling face does not often mean acceptance into her clique. 

Before you think the learning, curve was all negative for me, there were plenty of positives to work with. A prime example was, I loved the passive aggressive games women played with me as I learned to have eyes on my back the whole time I was out in the early years. By doing so, I earned my way in to being able to play in the girl's sandbox. My ticket in, just happened to be from the women bartenders I came to know as a regular. From them, other strangers were able to see me interacting easily with the staff plus I was awarded rest room privileges which I desperately needed. I grew used to seeing the staff so much in one venue I went to, I was even invited to a girl's night out one time with a group of servers. Which (even though I was scared), I ended up enjoying immensely. 

The whole process was extremely real to me and more importantly, it all felt so real. It was like this is the way I should be living the whole time. I was developing a substantial feminine wardrobe and had venues to wear my fashion to. I felt for the first time in my life, I was living a real existence, and I felt so alive. It took me many years to try to live a male existence and just that quickly, I broke all the reliance I had in the male world and stayed in my new femininized world. 

It was real and I was so happy I had the chance to live it, but I need to say, the whole path had its share of bumps and emotional bruises. Plus, since I had so few believers in me, I needed to rely in myself. Often, it was a very lonely process when I went it alone. It wasn't until I began to believe in my inner female so completely, did I find out how real life could be.

Transgender Day of Visibility

 

Transgender Day of Visibility
poster from my
hometown. 

Today is the annual transgender day of visibility on March 31st. 

It is a time such as never before to attempt to stand up and be counted as a transgender woman or transgender man. Sadly, it is also the time we trans people take the most risks to do so. Stakes are becoming higher and higher against us coming out in many areas of the country, especially, here in my native Ohio. Where an overwhelmingly republican legislature in the state capital of Columbus has passed bill after negative bill against us. 

To me, my visibility is an ongoing deal. Since I live fulltime in my transgender womanhood, long ago I decided to never run and hide my feminine nature. Back when I did not have so many mobility issues, I was more of an active participant than I am today. In place of being active at all, I have tried to pick up my pace with my writing and protest with my keyboard and votes. 

Plus, I know I am so fortunate to have found and married an accepting/encouraging spouse who helped usher me into my transgender womanhood. I know so many others in the community who are so lonely. 

Wherever you happen to be in your gender transition, these troubled days present a troubled challenge to being visible. Challenges such as your presentation provide sometimes insurmountable hurdles to being more visible. Similar to a "Catch 22" of passing. In other words, you need to be seen in public to learn if you present well enough to stay out of personal danger, but it is scary to even start to get the experience to begin with.  Again, I was lucky when my time to come out meant at the worst you were laughed at and not beat up. Plus, I was able to put years of practice into makeup, fashion, and wigs when I cross dressed in my closet. If the times were reversed, I often wonder what I would have done differently, if anything. All in all, it is just another one of those life's questions I will never know.

On this transgender day of visibility, I hope all of you find your own way to be visible. Anything from marching in a parade, all the way to looking at yourself in the mirror, find a way to celebrate the rare, beautiful self which is you! 

A Private Journey

Virginia Prince

Being a young person with gender issues forced me into my own deep shell.

 Plus, the times I grew up in did not help. I battled having no real gender information in the times before the internet and social media. In fact, the first real indication I had there were any others who shared a similar desire to change their gender was when I discovered "Transvestia" Magazine and "Virginia Prince". Initially, I was so fascinated, I just needed to learn more.

My private journey became less private when I began to attend transvestite mixers, as they were called back then. From my well-worn pages of "Transvestia" I learned several of the mixers were within driving distance of me in my native Ohio. Immediately, I began to make plans to do the impossible dream and attend. I could not imagine what it would be like to meet in person, another cross dresser as I perceived myself to be. It all struck an emotional chord with me, and I could not wait for my first mixer. I felt, at the least, the event could help to get out of my shell and not be so private. 

Of course, I found out I was expecting way to much from my first meeting with others with gender issues. To start with, I was not prepared for the layers of participants at the mixer. Everyone from beautiful transsexuals to "cowboy" cross dressers with their hats and cigars. Somewhere, in between was me. Wondering where I should be in the group. All Virginia Prince and "Transvestia" told me was, I needed to be heterosexual in order to fit in. Prince never said anything about all the different individuals I would encounter. Long story short, I found I did not really fit in with any of the other attendees. Again, I was stuck in my own private journey.

Throughout my disappointment in not meeting more like-minded individuals to share my gender hopes and dreams with, I at least found a very few others I could socialize with. Better yet, they lived even closer to me in near-by Columbus, Ohio. One of the transsexual women had a very nice, restored home in a historic area of the city and regularly hosted her own mini mixers. Since I usually worked weekend nights, I could not make it to all of them, but the ones I could, I enjoyed immensely. 

On my visits, I even discovered others who were exploring their new gender lives as more than cross dressers since the new transgender terminology was still being explored. At the time, I knew I was not completely into, going through all the gender changing operations, but then again, if I could do it, I would love to pursue a trip into transgender womanhood.

Maybe I kept my journey private because I was just that type of person, or I just had never met many people I trusted with my deepest secrets. To this day, I think I can count on one hand, the people who know all about me. Even including my long-time therapist. My wife Liz used to harass me by asking me what we talked about, and I had a difficult time coming up with an answer. Even so, I am a believer in therapy, as it did help me to come up with coping mechanisms for my complicated gender life. 

As I look back, I have come a long way from the pages of "Transvestia" but not far enough to totally say I have ever left my private journey which was so completely embedded in me when I was younger.

Nothing but a Reflection

 

Woman in Mirror from Darius Bashar
on UnSplash.

It seems for some reason, recently, I have been obsessed with thinking about my earliest days of admiring my girl, cross dressed reflection at home in the mirror. I hope in this post I will be able to take my obsession a step further. 

I believe women have a head start over transgender women when it comes to the basic concept of being viewed in the public's eye. To begin with, women are faced with more appearance scrutiny than men. Women have to put up with the reality they are viewed more closely by both genders. Whereas men don't have to face nearly as much scrutiny. Then, being a transgender woman takes even more work to survive in the world. 

Then there is the reality of reflection between genders. Women traditionally resort to makeup, beauty spas and fashion to reflect the best version of themselves to attract men and to a lesser extent, impress other women. It is at least a multibillion dollar a year business. Now, back to me, and where I was on my path to transgender womanhood. 

Where I was on my path, was I was still struggling with even having the beginners' basics on how I could reflect woman to the public at large. With the help of continued work on my makeup and me attacking the nearby thrift stores, I finally began to reflect feminine to the world. When I did, I could begin to refine my approach and relax in the world as a transgender woman or more advanced cross dresser. Mostly, that meant putting my mirror's reflection in motion. It was very difficult in the beginning, as I needed to look the women and men in the world in the eye and be myself. Humans have the tendency to explore the world through their eyes and I quickly became used to having other women look at me totally head to toe. 

All too soon, I was ripped from my mirror and living a very scary but exciting life in a new world. Very quickly, I was able to put my fears behind me and understand who was really looking at me. Men paid me very little attention because I always assumed I was not attractive enough, but on the other hand, I was really receiving much more attention from cisgender women than I had ever had before. Obviously, for whatever reasons, my reflection with other women was working well and I loved it.

I was on a remarkable gender journey as I left the mirror behind and joined the world. As I refined my feminine outlook, I needed to accomplish a couple major goals. The first was, to never not refer to myself internally as a man again. I was a she and that was it. The second was, I needed to concentrate on establishing my own feminine aura. I started to really begin to zero in on whom ever I was talking to into knowing they were interacting with a woman. If it worked or not, remains to be seen, but I kept on trying.

Projecting my aura was the last stop in my progression out of the mirror and into the world. I viewed it as taking the last vestiges of any light I had ever seen in the mirror and turn it into a bright light of hope. It was scary because I was not used to being in a such a new world as a transgender woman. Along the way, I took on my share of setbacks but kept on moving forward.

Now, the reflection I see in the mirror, is only the one I need to apply my makeup and closely shave before I go out. I have also worked hard to do away with any remaining gender dysphoria I may still have. When it does hit me, it normally happens in the morning when I first look at myself in the mirror. I finally have come to the conclusion I don't look as bad as I think or as good, I think I do with my makeup.  The middle point has become good enough for me, and the mirror has again become nothing but a reflection.

What Came First?

 

Image from Alexander Grey
on UnSplash. 

Today was "patch" day, when I changed out my gender affirming hormonal estradiol patches, which I do twice a week. 

Every time I change out my patches to new ones, I think back to all the changes I went through when I first started years ago. Among other things, I remember how impatient I was to see and feel changes I hoped were forthcoming. I was also disappointed when I learned I would have to start on a very minimal dosage until the doctor and I could see if there were going to be any negatives to the treatment. Fortunately, there were not, and I was given progressively higher doses until I was finally assigned to an endocrinologist for more specialized treatment. At the time, the Dayton, Ohio VA Hospital did not have an Endo, so I needed to wait until they found me an outside provider for my care. After quite a bit of pushing on my part, the VA finally came through and I was set until they came up with their own Endo. Which I have to this day.

In the meantime, I was experiencing many significant changes to my body and surprisingly, to my mind. It was like my body had already been set up for the new HRT hormones and felt very natural with the changes. It is easy to write about the external changes I always mention, such as breast growth, hair growth and the overall softening of my skin. As I mentioned in a recent post, suddenly I was able to present better when I was out in public because I was able to wear less makeup and get my own hair styled and colored how I wanted it. 

Less obvious to the world, but more obvious to me were the internal changes I began to rapidly feel with the new hormones in my body. What came first was I was losing more and more contact with my old male self. I was losing my old testosterone edge and began to really mellow out. I went through puberty again and even experienced my first hot flashes as my body adjusted to the new femininized world it was in. Most certainly, my male self-had come first out of necessity, but the HRT allowed my feminine self the chance to catch up. I even learned women were not making it up when they were saying they were cold all the time, when my thermostat went crazy, and I was too. 

One of the only drawbacks I experienced was I needed to move up my life transition timeline, because changes were beginning to happen so rapidly. I could no longer wear most of my male shirts because of my new breasts and I needed to always be careful to tie back my hair when I was butching it up when I was going out. Also, my facial hair never really changed as I knew it wouldn't, but my body hair nearly completely went away, which was great.

As I said, there were no drawbacks when I left my male world internally. I never missed the actions of my male self who always seemed to be on edge. I became very introspective on what I was going through and could even began to be able to cry for the first time in my life. It was then I learned there were different sort of tears. Tears of sorrow and tears of joy were quite possible. 

I had no choice, my male self-came first and I ended up trying decades of cross dressing to fight him. But as I changed, gender affirming hormones were a huge part of it. In many ways, HRT was the deciding factor in finding my way into transgender womanhood. 

It turned out the second part of my life turned out to be so much more fulfilling than the first part. Even though I was frustrated at times that I waited so long, it was worth the wait. Especially when I learned the hormones did not change my sexuality. I was still attracted to women, and I found some were attracted to me as a transgender lesbian. It was all so exciting and new, I could not get enough of my new life and it did not matter what came first.

Seasons Change

 

Image from Jamiethlene Reskspe on
UnSplash.

It appears that Spring has quit teasing us here in Southern Ohio and is finally here to stay. Spring teases us every year, so it is no real surprise when it happens. We can go from summer like weather to winter in one week. 

What it means is wardrobe adjustments which account for cooler mornings and warmer afternoons have to be made.  Plus, I always use the unique seasonal changes here to completely go through my clothes to see what will stay and what will go.  From nearly the very beginning of my love of everything feminine, I had admired how girls and women had the opportunity to completely change their fashion with the seasons. Putting aside all the challenges I had with having any resources at all to buy new fashion, I still did my best to meet the seasonal change challenges. 

My biggest challenge this year is coming up in the middle of April when my wife Liz and I have been invited to my daughters in laws house for a lunch get together. I am planning for it already and am planning to wear a two-piece lightweight top I just purchased for our trip to the Florida Keys. I will pair the top with leggings I have and hopefully will be dressed well enough to blend in with the rest of the women who will be there. Sadly, I don't think my transgender grandchild will be there because they (pronoun of choice) will be hiking the Appalachian trail with their partner. I will have to find out from their mom if they still are going to have a job as a civilian nuclear engineer with the US Navy or did the orange felon's threat against transgender women and trans men destroy any hopes of having a job. 

In the meantime, it is opening day in Cincinnati for the pro-baseball Reds, which has a huge parade and is close to a complete local holiday. Since the parade is televised during the afternoon, and I really don't care much for parades, it will give me a chance to get started with my spring wardrobe assessment. I know right now, I am setting fairly well with my collection of light weight tops and T's. Especially when I added a few select T Shirts from my trip to Key West, Florida. I purchased a very colorful T(shirt) from "Harpoon Harry's" where we ate lunch and later made a special stop in Jimmy Buffet's "Margaritaville" shop where I picked up another shirt to add to my collection. My second wife and I were huge fans of Jimmy and when he passed way, another of my bucket list items went with him.

Watching Buffet's famous Cincinnati summer riverside concerts were always a hit with us, but little did my wife know how badly I wanted to be one of the women watching the show. My transition took so long, I sadly never made it. 

Now, I hear the birds chirping and a pile of clothes awaits to be sorted to be worn or donated. It has always been a labor of fashion love for me to go through the seasonal changes which made being a woman much more fun for me than being a boring man. Even though, sometimes I think the fashion experience is shallow in nature, it has always been fun to me. 

Especially, when I can shed the boring dark colors of winter and become a part of the new bright spring flowers and budding of the trees. Everything I wanted to do when I started my path to transgender womanhood. It also time to put all my sweaters away and turn another page towards my future and bright as a new season.

 

The Light in the Mirror

 

Image from Alessandro 
Bianchi 
on UnSplash.

I spend quite a bit of time here attacking my mirror when I was growing up.

Recently, I have come to the conclusion some of my negativity could have been wrong. First of all, I was fortunate to have a beautiful full length mirror dad installed at one of the ends of the hallway in our house when I was growing up. When no one else was home, I would spend as much time as I had admiring myself in the hallway mirror. As I did, I could always see a brief dim light in the mirror when I viewed my feminine self for the first time. Even when I knew, the light would have to be extinguished soon, and I would have to go back to my unwanted male world. 

As I grew up and began to explore the world for the first time as a beginning cross dresser, I made plenty of mistakes the mirror did not tell me about. In fact, the mirror light shone brightly and told me I looked great when in fact, I looked just the opposite. I was presenting as a clown in drag with no one to warn me. For a long time, the light in the mirror nearly went completely out as I was rejected in public time and time again resulting in a deep depression for me.

I kept trying though, and the light began to come back on. I lost weight and began to find styles of women's fashion which flattered my body shape and finally began to present better. Especially when I was making the mental transition to novice transgender womanhood from cross dresser. To do it, I needed every break I could muster. Plus, I needed to turn up my light in the mirror, and let my femininized light shine through, so I could see her better. 

The extra light turned out to be all I needed to become more skilled at my makeup art and do the best I could with my testosterone damaged male face. With a little help from a professional makeup person, my light in the mirror grew even brighter, and more importantly, I could trust it. With trust came confidence which equated to more acceptance as a transgender woman in the public's eye. All of a sudden, my lifelong dream to lead a feminine life was within reach. If my light in the mirror stayed on. 

It did and I was even able to turn up my light to a brighter level with the addition of HRT or gender affirming hormones. Among the many other positive changes I went through was when the overall texture of my skin softened. Which meant the male lines in my face softened and I could use less makeup. Specifically, foundation. I quickly learned with more femininized skin and being able to wear my own hair, I was suddenly more presentable to the world. 

Looking back, I may have been too quick to judge my light in the mirror. It just took a little longer (along with the rest of me) to become more situated with living a new life away from my old male self, and perhaps it was my fault for not switching to a brighter bulb sooner. Plus, I was fortunate in that my light in the mirror did not burn out altogether.