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Vintage Transvestia Magazine |
I encountered a real problem when my cross-dressing urges went from being a real adrenaline rush, all the way down to what I experience now.
I do remember the process did not take so long for me and I
should have known then my cross-dressing activities were much more than a
harmless innocent hobby I was involved with. If I had the information available
to me then which became available later, I would have had an idea I was
transgender. Of course, back in those days, the internet had not been invented
along with all the social media rooms which came with it. I was in the dark
ages of information and was very sure I was alone in the world with my gender
desires. I always give credit to “Virginia Prince” and Transvestia Magazine for
initially opening my closet door and showing me there were others in the world
called transsexuals and transvestites.
During times of depression with my life, I could always fall
back to my well-worn issues of Transvestia to lift my spirits. Plus, I
discovered groups hosted transvestite mixers in Ohio I could attend with the
proper preparation. I was ecstatic! I finally had a chance to meet others like
me. Little did I know, I did not get that completely right, but that is another
story all together.
In the meantime, I read my brief moments of adrenaline
rushes were really called gender euphoria. Regardless of the label, I still had
a difficult time controlling mine. Most of my examples come from the time my
wife and I moved to the New York City metro area. For some reason, she left me
out on my own one night to go to a mixer out on Long Island. Much to my
surprise, I had a difficult time being admitted to the mixer by two cisgender
women running the door. I asked why I was not being allowed in and they said no
real women were allowed and I needed to show them an identification card with a
male picture on it to get in. I was shocked and promptly showed them my old
male drivers license and had a great time…until the buzz wore off days later. Then,
I became mean and difficult to live with because I was feeling sorry for myself
because I felt increasingly sure of myself as a transfeminine woman.
About that time, Halloween rolled around again which gave me
an excuse to leave my closet and explore the world as a trans woman. This
Halloween, I was getting better at “costuming” to present well as a woman and
not to thrill as a cross dresser. Again, I was able to be out on my own because
my wife was not a fan of Halloween and by pure chance, I ended up in the middle
of a group of cisgender women all as tall as I was and dressed about the same
way. Again, I had a great time and was even asked to dance by a man who I wondered
knew about me.
All I knew was gender euphoria was great, until I crashed and
burned. Then I always slipped back into my usual gender dysphoria problems. It
seemed I needed the constant reassurance of me being able to present well as a
transfeminine woman just to get by. Which was no way to live.
In order to live, I needed to make difficult life changing
choices such as exploring the world increasingly as a feminine transgender
person. I needed to weigh the difficulty in what I was doing with my life with
what would happen if I was discovered. To accomplish my dream, I began to make
small mini “bucket lists” of things I needed to do, most to just see if I could
and increase my gender euphoria or adrenalin rush. Surprisingly, very quickly again
my bucket lists did not provide much euphoria but in their place, a deep sense
of stability in my life. For the first time in my life, I even felt I could be
happy as a person. Whatever I was doing as a transfeminine woman, I was doing
it right. Or so I thought.
Naturally I was afraid to make the final move to sever all
ties with my male self. I found myself wasting precious time as I was able to
expand my own new world as a woman of my own making. I had successfully gone
through transitions from innocent cross dresser, all the way to full time
transgender woman with bumps and bruises I had earned along the way. But I
learned from them and moved on to a better life. If I only lived once, I wanted
to live what was left as a woman.
Sure, my initial doses of adrenaline did help until everyday
life came in and rescued me. Now I have smoothed out my life with fewer peaks
and valleys of euphoria and when I do experience the negative gender dysphoria,
I am able to live with it much better.