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| Image from Peter Fogden on UnSplash. |
When I had grown used to escaping my male problems by dressing in front of the mirror in my small stash of girl’s clothes and makeup the best I could, then I forgot my problems. It was an effective way to find a way out.
Before I knew it, I was digging myself a hole I would have a
difficult time getting out of. As always, my main problems came from my refusal
to accept my gender issues. I would cycle through the same old issues such as
cross dressing until I relieved all the pressure I was under as my male self.
Then knowing the relief would only last a couple of days.
Occasionally, I thought I would find the way out of my
gender shell by trying the infamous “purge” which would finally do away with my
feminine self altogether. Of course, we all know purging was no escape either
as in a very short time, my urge to cross dress would flood back in again. All
of this resulted in depression I struggled to control. Years flew by before I was diagnosed as being
bi-polar by a gender therapist I was going to. The diagnosis helped me to
understand why I would sometimes want to do nothing but stay in bed. Fortunately,
I was able to find a medication to help me that I was able to tolerate, and to
this day, my depression is under control. Plus, having my bi-polar under control
allowed me to separate it from my gender issues.
It became extremely important when I was matched up with a
therapist from the Veteran’s Administration who controlled my gender affirming
hormones. One thing I did not need was a therapist who connected my dots wrong
and left me no escape. What I mean is, if I was matched with a therapist who
thought my depression and gender issues were connected in any way. As with
other things I excessively worried about, the therapist I ended up being
matched up with never connected my dots wrong, and my HRT and depression
medications were always kept separate.
Escape finally came slowly when I began to take control of
my own life. I went down a huge rabbit hole I had been ignoring. As I left my
old gender closet and explored the rabbit hole as a whole new person, I
discovered the world I had only dreamed of as I began to live as a transgender
woman. I also found many new layers of a feminine life I knew nothing about. I
went from creating a fictional trans woman to a real person as I explored the
world. The real person I became had to be able to communicate with the world at large. As with any other worlds I ever discovered (such as the military) being
a transgender woman came with a whole new set of rules I could not escape.
As my confidence increased, so did my success in building a
new life. I so badly did not want to escape at any costs, I risked all my male
life such as family, friends, and employment to live as a transfeminine person.
I was putting on the line such as the benefits of hard-earned male privileges,
a long-term marriage and a good job. All to follow my feminine dreams. It
turned out, I learned many lessons when I was attempting to escape the rabbit hole
I was making for myself.
Some would say it took a lot of courage to do what I did.
While others would think I was nothing but a fool. I would say neither is the
case because in order to live in this world at all, I knew I would have to make
changes to escape. By the time I needed to make the final transition decision,
I was nearly sixty and it had been weighing heavily on my shoulders for years.
By then, I took all my so called “practice” time and became a transgender woman
on a mission.
I escaped all excuses and rabbit holes I explored on my way
to living my dream. Becoming my true self in a woman’s world was incredibly difficult
to do. Just when I thought I was conquering the road I was on was being
successful, I learned I was only just beginning and there were many obstacles
to come. I was lucky enough to be able to negotiate everything by having wives
to women friends to help me on the way.
If I had given up the fight and given in to the true desires
I was having, I would have never had to think I had no way out.
