Living the Reality of being Transgender

My wife Liz at "Harpoon Harry's"
Key West, Florida

Regardless of what the evil bigots think and say, the reality of being a transgender woman or transgender man, is starkly different to what they think.

Most transphobes say living a trans life is just a choice we can make at any time. Or there is some sort of magic gender switch we can throw to reverse the life we are living. If only it was the case, somehow, we all would be able to live simpler lives. We would not have to put our lives in such turmoil just to jump the gender border.

On the other hand, living the reality of being transgender can sometimes lead to a more interesting life. Especially around super fragile and toxic men who refuse to have anything to do with us. Think about it this way, transgender women have a basic understanding of men in ways cisgender women will never completely embrace. I was fortunate when I was able to form relationships with other women (lesbians) who taught me my reality was good enough to be proud of and I did not need a man to give me value. I was living the value of being trans in the best possible way. 

When I completed my second big transition from parttime cross dresser to transgender womanhood, it was a scary, surprising time for me. First of all, I did not know if I could do it at all and secondly, I did not know how to go about doing it. Finally, I decided I needed to hitch up my big girl panties and see if I could be accepted in a world where women dominated the action. That is when I ended up at the "TGI Fridays" restaurant and bar I talk about so much. I had been there as a man so many times when I saw all the women from the mall come in for a drink after their shifts and I was jealous. Badly I wanted to learn if I could somehow be a part of the feminine action.

Once I was successful, I knew there would be no going back to viewing myself as a harmless cross dresser. I was serious about being a better transgender woman and I needed to learn more on how to do it. It was about this time also when I began to consider what I thought was the next step in my femininizing progression and that was beginning gender affirming hormones or HRT. My problem was, standing directly in my way was my strongly disapproving second wife. So, I needed to put off my plans of jump starting a very serious process of battling my testosterone poisoned body. I reasoned, the better off I was when it came to my femininization, the easier time I would have in the public's eye. 

Even though I would have to wait until my second wife passed away from an unexpected massive heart attack, once my path was clear to HRT, I sought the opinion of a doctor and received my cherished meds. Once I did begin to go down the hormonal road, I thought I would be ready for the changes I went through during my second puberty. Hot flashes, along with rapid breast growth were just a few of the changes I went through quickly as my skin softened, hair grew, and I became much more emotional. 

Hormones really changed my reality of what it meant for me to be transgender and while I realize the meds aren't for everyone medically, they were for me.

If the world we live in would just slow down for a moment and understand the reality of being transgender is not so much different than the average human, we would be in a better place.

Losing Through Winning

 

Image from Humphrey Muleba 
on UnSplash. 

Sometimes during our lives, we have to lose to send ourselves forward into a better place.

It seems, transgender women and transgender men have so much more to lose when they transition across the gender border. As I often mention, we have to consider spouses, extended family, friends and employment as we grow into our unique authentic selves. I spent years in anguish trying to determine what to do about the two women fighting about my life. I mean my strong inner woman and my equally as strong wife of twenty five years, both of whom, I loved dearly. 

It turned out, the only loser was my male self, and he was not going down without a fight. When I was stuck between genders, my mental health suffered greatly. Even leading me to a suicide attempt when I did not think I could make a decision and could not take it any longer. I was attempting to live my regular working life as a male and the rest of the time as a transgender woman, and it was tearing me apart. The gender nightmare I was going through, I would have not wished on my worst enemy.

Finally, I decided I needed to lose one of my genders attempting to run my life. Due to an ever increasingly deep down feeling I was doing the right thing; I chose to go deeper and deeper down the gender rabbit hole and pursue my transgender womanhood. When I did, an unbelievable exciting, fulfilling new life opened for me. All of a sudden, I was being invited behind the gender curtain to girl's night outs and even accepted a gift from my daughter to have my suddenly longer hair styled at her upscaled salon. Looking back, I think my hormonal estrogen level increased significantly that day due to osmosis. Suddenly I learned why all women value so much their time at the beauty spa's. I was learning again why I could never go back to the male world I was losing.

As I looked around, what else did I have to lose? My wife had passed away, I closed my restaurant, lost most of my close friends to cancer, so I had nothing but a temporary fast food managerial job I hated to get me by until I could take an early retirement. Plus, I was on gender affirming hormones (HRT) by then, and my body was femininizing fast. My wins were rapidly overtaking the losses in my life. 

During the space of approximately five years, I had walked through the gender door perceiving I was little more than a parttime cross dresser and came out the other side as a full-fledged happy transgender woman. My male self-had totally lost and it was time for me to enjoy the win with my new women friends around me who taught me more than they ever knew about valuing myself. 

As with the rest of you who have gender transitioned, or are seriously considering it, I am sure I don't have to tell you what a big decision it is. First you need to accept yourself, then see if others will accept you too. Once you do, you can begin to win and put your losses behind you.  

Comments

 

Image from Bruno Acquire on UnSplash. 

In regard to yesterday's post concerning the Veterans Administration's announcement they were not going to cover gender affirming hormones, prothesis's, and even mental health treatment for new veterans suffering from gender dysphoria anymore. 

In my rant, I said, among other things, how much I disagreed with the move, even though it did not affect me. The VA said, those already receiving gender related care could keep getting it. Which, of course, means me. 

One huge problem I did not mention in my post was pointed out by Denise, who pointed out, the VA's decision to shut out trans women being discharged into the world to fend for themselves was just a smaller part of what the orange felon's presidential administration is trying to do to erase the rights of all women in our country today. Since transgender women are a unique form of women, our rights as women are being taken away too. Which gives me yet another chance to wonder why any clear-thinking woman, trans or not, would have ever voted for the felon at all. And I will leave it at that.

On another subject concerning a post called "Why Me?' a reader wrote in with this comment:

"Over many decades I often asked myself both “why me” and “why not me”. For decades I limited myself to underdressing…. something I told myself was just a (hopefully) harmless kink, out of the fear that if I explored further, I would irreversibly descend that slippery slope. I in my early 50s I finally allowed myself to experiment with makeup and women's clothing beyond underwear. I still vividly recall the moment when I looked in the mirror and saw myself for the first time. In that instant, I may have even said aloud, “I can do this!”

There have been subsequent periods of self-doubt, of course. Still, every day I find that I look forward to seeing myself and engaging with the world as a woman."

Thanks to both of you for the comments! I found many of your ideas to be very profound and meaningful. Plus, I had "aha" moments when I realized I had left all women out of the current political agenda and the moment when I too had realized when I was successful in public as a novice transgender woman that "I could do this", and it felt so natural. Deep down inside, something snapped, and I felt as if I was home.

The night I realized I could do it and felt at home in the company of women was and is so special to me. Just one of the reasons it disturbs me so much to see what is happening today with our rights continue. 

Speaking of continue, I love all your comments and wish I could answer them all, here on the blog in a public setting. Needless to say, I do the best I can!

Also (something I don't say enough) thanks to all of you who find the time and effort to read along on a regular basis. It makes it all worthwhile to me!

Go Away!!!

 

Image from Military. Com

Well, the long arm of the felon running the country has reached all the way down into my life again, seemingly so soon after he got into office. 

Recently, the Veteran's Administration issued a new directive stating all healthcare for transgender veterans would be halted. For those of you who may not know, I am a transgender veteran who benefits from VA healthcare. Which means, I receive my gender affirming hormones from the VA. The meds are not free, and I pay a co-pay. In addition, for years, I took advantage of free mental health services which helped me immeasurably when I was beginning my transition. I was lost and needed the help. 

Of course, I was initially really upset that once again the felon attempting to run the country should be running my life for me again. At the age of seventy-five, I live a quiet life with my wife Liz and our two cats. I am not out to hurt anyone, so why should tRumpt be screwing around in my life. For sure, I knew it was coming when he was elected along with so many other politicians who used the transgender minority to raise false fears about us. After speaking to Liz, we immediately began thinking of ways to procure my hormones which made me feel better.

This morning as I began to research the directive, in typical government double speak, I read the VA would stop providing crucial care for new gender dysphoric patients. Which of course leaves me out but not all my transgender sisters and brothers who need help with their gender issues after being discharged from the military and I feel for all of them. Here is a statement concerning the problems which will be created by ceasing care:

"VA's rollback of crucial protections, specifically the elimination of Directive 1341, is a direct assault on the well-being of vulnerable LGBTQ+ veterans, jeopardizing their access to essential care," Rachel Branaman, executive director of Modern Military Association of America, said in a statement."

Every Friday, I attend a LGBTQ support group meeting virtually at the Dayton, Ohio VA, and this Friday I hope to find out more about this latest attempt to erase the transgender population. Already, the workers who are left in the offices have been told to remove all flags from their offices. Which as we all knew, meant all Pride flags. 

I hope to learn more then before I have a crucial May appointment with my Endocrinologist who dispenses my gender affirming hormones. 

In the meantime, you trans women who wrote in and said the felon would not be that bad are enjoying all the benefits of his lies. Even you cross dressers in your closet should beware. 

Why Not Me?

 

JJ Hart at Club Diversity
Columbus, Ohio

When I was very young, I had the tendency to hide behind my skirts when I needed to deny any masculine pursuits at all. 

Any time I failed, I ran home to see if I could lock myself in the bathroom and apply makeup and try on any of mom's clothes which still fit. I had a dream of finally making it to my own transgender womanhood when I grew older, but I had no idea of how. Back then, little did I know, the journey would take me over fifty years to complete and the path would be so curvy and full of hurdles. If I did, I wonder if I would have ever attempted to try it.

Of course, I started out innocently enough as a cross dresser in a mirror. My reaction was a double-edged sword. One side of the sword told me I was not doing anything really wrong, while the other side wondered if I was the only one in the world doing it. If that was the case, being a transvestite just could not be good. Right? All I had to rely on was my instincts which told me I was on the right path. So, I persisted and stayed on it. Since the only real feedback I had was from the mirror, I needed to rely on it when it was telling me I had advanced on from the clownish drag makeup stage I was into a more acceptable feminine form. At the time, I equated it with painting model cars which I was never good at and I was so proud when I thought I had conquered the basics of makeup. Even to the point of purchasing my own from the newspaper route I had when I was a kid. When my friends were buying model cars, I was buying makeup and loving it. It was not until many years later, would I receive the instruction I needed to really understand the art of makeup, but I was getting by at the time.

Clothes and hair were a whole other problem I needed to try to conquer at the time. With the very limited budget I was on, there was no way I could afford a nice wig all the way to my college years, when I was working a better paying job. In order to buy a wig, I needed the help of my fiancé who bought it under the idea she would possibly wear it. The wig was long and blond and was my cross-dresser's dream and luckily, she hated it, so I inherited it. Even with the abuse I put it through, the wig lasted for years before I needed to finally retire it. Clothes were another problem because again I did not have much money, and these were the days before larger sized women's fashions became available in a younger style. It was not until years later, when thrift stores became abundant, did I finally become fashion independent. 

As my feminine life was coming together, slowly I began to realize transgender womanhood may not be such a reach for me after all. I was beginning to explore all facets of the world as a trans woman and it all felt so natural. The more I attempted and succeeded at in my new life, the less I wanted to go back to my old, boring male world. So, I did not.

I was on a slippery gender slope my path had led me to, and all of a sudden, I did not fear it anymore. Somehow, I knew there was a soft landing out there for me. The stop signs were gone, and I knew at the age of sixty, if I did not try to live my transgender dreams, I would never have the chance and would forever regret my decision. From there, I decided to follow my heart and seek medical help to begin gender affirming hormones or HRT. The hormones forever sealed my trans life, and I never looked back. I always felt my body was looking for the hormones the whole time. Again, a scary gender transitional moment felt so natural. 

Why not me, turned out to be why should not it be me? 

The Grand Search for Discovery

 

Image from Gints Gallis
on UnSplash.

Along the path to transgender womanhood, I made many discoveries. 

It wasn't until I finally made it into the world did, I begin to pick up the pace in being allowed behind the feminine gender curtain, so I could learn for myself what was going on. In other words, I needed to earn my stripes as a trans woman to be allowed in to play in the girl's sandbox. Now, I can't quite remember what my expectations were of being allowed in, I only remember I basically forced my way in. Many times, causing the sand to really fly. 

I discovered most other women accepted me for myself and let it go at that, and I learned quickly to let the others go on their own way. After all, you cannot please everyone at the same time. Plus, the acceptance I gained far outweighed any negatives I experienced. I discovered once I made it past the idea I was attempting to "fool" anyone into thinking I was a cis-gendered woman, the better off I was. When I was satisfied to just be myself, more women reacted to me positively. Probably because they appreciated, I was being truthful with them. I was just busy learning how to live my dream and meant nobody harm.

Even still, my gender path was very winding, and steep with many roadblocks. Similar to many of you, I experienced the pain of separation from family, friends and life in general as I transitioned and femininized myself. Many times, I needed to stop and rest on my path because the effort exhausted me.

Out of all the discoveries I made, one of the biggest ones was when I made the transition from weekend or parttime cross dresser to novice transgender woman. Even though I was just dealing in basic gender semantics, the shift in thought was a major one for me. All of a sudden, I began to feel I was achieving my childhood dream of being a woman. Not just looking like one. When I did make the discovery, to change my life, my path ahead became fairly well illuminated. Now, I had the usual hurdles to jump through such as how to make my way out of the mirror and into the sandbox but overall, I had the confidence to move forward.  

The other main discovery I made as I entered transgender womanhood, was how important the gender affirming hormones would be to me. Of course, I knew the physical changes I would go through such as changes to my body such as breast growth. However, nothing prepared me for the internal changes which would go on. All of a sudden, for the first time in my life, I could cry tears of joy as well as sorrow. In essence, estradiol softened my entire life and quickly took the testosterone related universe I lived in away from me. A huge discovery. 

Of course, every discovery does not have to be a good one. When my second wife discovered I was sneaking out of the house to live as a transgender woman was certainly not a good discovery for me. It took me weeks of apologizing and even therapy to save what was left of our twenty-five-year marriage. Which I managed to do until she unexpectedly passed away. When she did, I discovered what loneliness was all about. 

Every human life is filled with discovery if you are living it right. It seems transgender women and transgender men live have an extra amount of discovery. It is very rare a person who has the chance to explore the two binary genders to determine which one they want to live as. I feel it is one of the reasons so many people these days misunderstand our trans community and treat us poorly or even with hate. We have found how deep trans bigotry suddenly runs in our country, led on by a certain felon as president. Which is all I am going to say about it. 

In the meantime, I hope all your discoveries are positive and exciting.

Should You Be a Jumper?

 

Image from Jeremy Bishop
on UnSplash. 

As we go through life, many of us have chances to jump and try to improve our status. 

As I lived, I certainly registered in the jumper category. I have no idea if many of the decisions I made concerning employment changes and resultant family moves had anything to do with my gender issues, but I always assumed they did. What if I was trying to just jump and hide from wanting to live a feminine life and escape the old male one, I was forced to live. 

The one thing I did learn relatively early in life was I did not have to put up with seemingly huge obstacles put in front of me. The biggest example was when it became obvious, I was going away to serve my country during a very unpopular and deadly war in Vietnam. Immediately, since I worked for a congressman's radio station, I sought out help to work in a very small section of the military...American Forces Radio and Television. I thought, why not try and see if I could pull off a miracle of sorts, so I went ahead and jumped by sending off letters to Washington, DC. Amazingly, I received a fairly positive letter back and went on to eventually landing a spot on the network. So, jumping really helped me, and actually spoiled me for the near future.

When I was discharged from the military, I played around for a while and ended up on a cross-country car trip with my future first wife and mother of my only child. Since we were driving from my home in Ohio to her home in California, we covered many miles with side trips to visit friends in Texas and Seattle. It was fun as my fairly new Chevrolet Vega held together well enough to make the trip. And all the jumping helped me to briefly forget all my gender issues. 

When we returned, I pooled together my savings with a friend and bought a small neighborhood tavern in my hometown. It was quite the jump as my dad described it best as a place which had two doors, so the Flys did not have to stop when they went through. Even though dad's opinion spoke for itself, we worked on the tavern and finally made it a success when we added homemade pizza and deli sandwiches. Sadly, I destroyed all of my hard-earned success because of excessive alcohol abuse, and I lost the whole operation. 

Ironically, I did not learn my lesson with restaurants because later on in life, I quit a very good commercial chain restaurant job to risk a fairly sizeable inheritance I inherited when my dad died. This time, due to a severe economic downturn in the town I lived, I lost the whole gamble after about five years. Proving once and for all, my jumps did not all turn out well. 

Later on in life, I blamed much of my dependence on alcohol as just a way to jump life and not have to deal with being a transgender woman. Even still, I was far from finished from jumping. As I began to go public as a novice trans woman, I learned I could actually live the dream life I wanted. To do it though, I would have to jump through a set of very serious hoops to succeed. What would I do with the fairly successful male life I had worked so hard to succeed with. When each of us considers a total gender jump to the other side, we have to wonder what will become of our family, friends and employment. Rather than considering the process as a jump for me, I always thought of it as sliding down a steep gender slope towards a cliff of unknown depth. 

Regardless, I gathered all of my courage and put my male life behind me. I gathered up all my male clothes and gave them to the thrift store and set out with my gender affirming hormones into an exciting new world. 

In the world of transgender women and transgender men, it is extremely difficult to advise or give much guidance to each other. Frustratingly, many trans people share the same path but on the other hand don't. It shows up in the maddening ways we can't seem to truly unite as a strong "T" under the LGBTQ umbrella. It is difficult for all of us to jump together. I can't say you should be a gender jumper or not. It has to come from deep inside you.

From Obsession to Passion

 

Image from Kayshawn Herandez
on UnSplash. 

For years I considered my desire to cross dress was more an obsession than anything else.

Similar to many of you, I started my path to femininization innocently enough by rummaging through my mom's clothes. Whatever I could fit into was fair game for me. The pleasure of the overall experience soon turned into an obsession. When I returned home from school and was alone, I locked myself into the bathroom and got busy with mom's clothes and makeup. 

Even though I was wrapped up in my obsession at such a young age, doubts snuck through and slowly became evident. The biggest doubt was I was more than just a cross dresser. I wanted to be so much more. Such as the totality of being a girl. Looking back, it was sad I did not have more information on gender issues because I would have discovered and hopefully faced up to the fact, I was more transgender than cross dresser. 

As I trudged forward through life, I stubbornly held on to the best I could to my largely unwanted male ways as I idolized the girls around me. Thinking they had all the assets in life. Primarily the one in which they did not have to be forced to serve in the military during the Vietnam War as I did. Why did girls not have to serve, and I did, made me quite bitter. However, there was nothing I could do about it, so off to serving three years in the Army I went. 

As soon as I was honorably discharged from the military, I began to restart my cross-dressing obsession in earnest. Off came my Army mustache and on came the blond wig. Since my first wife knew I cross dressed and did not really care, I was able to do more exploration into the world of fashion, wigs and makeup. In essence, I was making up for all the lost time (three years) I had in the Army when I could not cross dress. The lone exception was a Halloween party when I dressed as a prostitute. The one night of bliss hardly made up for the three years of staying away from my obsession to at the least appear as a woman. 

When I finally had the courage to try out the world as my increasingly evident feminine self, my focus began to change from obsession to passion. I spent every spare moment daydreaming of how it would be to try out what I was doing as a man to a woman. During this time, gender reality shifts turned out to be a major point of my life. Especially when I actually began to live out my gender dreams.

What I did then was set up mini gender "bucket lists" to attempt to conquer. I say attempt because several were ill-advised and nearly impossible to accomplish. One in particular led me down a dangerous safety path when my male security privilege was lost. I almost learned the hard way not to be on dark city streets out of my car unescorted. Even though, I was still stubborn about my passion, I learned I needed to be careful. When I went back to the area where I was approached at night, I made sure I asked one of my transgender man friends to escort me. It was a new experience to ask for help. 

My passion to be a full-time transgender woman took me through gender affirming hormones and changes I never thought possible. I was grateful I was medically cleared to take the meds by a doctor at the advanced age of sixty.   

I am also grateful to be living my passion now with a wife who loves me very much. I took over a half a century to get there but I switched a basic obsession to a fulltime passion, and I never looked back. 

Tomorow is Here and It Is Ugly

 

Image from 
Charlesdeluvio on UnSplash

Back before the election and I was voicing my concerns about a tRumpt presidency, I received a comment from a self-professed transgender woman who said she was a conservative and supported the felon. 

Her reasoning was, he had not been that bad during his first term. She also mentioned nothing about all the negatives he spewed about the transgender population. Well, he is here now and in all his glory has shown an indication to destroy the foundation our country was built on. It turns out, the self-professed "king's" attacks on the transgender community were just the beginning. In fact, the attacks on DEI have reached down as far as my association with the local, Cincinnati, Alzheimer's chapter. 

For those of you who did not know, I have been a member of the local Diversity Commitee for the past several months or nearly a year. Very recently, the message came along from the council saying the Diversity Council would be changing its name. They were removing "Diversity" from the title. Naturally, I was shocked to say the least. The long tentacles of hate from the new felon's administration had suddenly become a stark reality to me. 

Since that time, I have decided to resign my spot on the committee in protest. The remainder of the group can pursue their new "health initiative" without me. 

With everything else happening in our country right now, I wonder what all the transgender women or trans men think now. 

As far as I go, I live in fear of my future. Not as far as being attacked is concerned but what potentially is going to happen with my Veteran's Administration health care benefits. I have a potentially key appointment coming up soon because my Estradiol prescription has run out. So, I will see if a problem getting my gender affirming hormones is going to be a problem or not. 

Looking further ahead, I fear after the Musk/tRumpt social security purges, what will happen with my future payments I use to live on. 

Bottom line is, I resent all the challenges I have to deal with at the age of 75. Just because a bunch of billionaires can increase their wealth. To hell with being a conservative or liberal, I just want to live and can't help being deeply resentful to all who support the king felon. Tomorrow arrived for me, and it is ugly.

Always Running

 

Image from JJ Hart

Much of my life was immersed in running from my gender problems. 

As fast as I could, I changed jobs and even places my wife and I lived so I thought would make a difference in my life. The prime example was when I picked up and moved my small family from our native southwestern Ohio to the huge bustling New York City metro area to operate a fast-food restaurant. By doing so, I thought deep down I would be closer to a population which would be more friendly to my cross-dressing desires.  I only made it a year before the culture shock pushed me back to our native Ohio.

In the meantime, I did have several moments when I was in New York which I will always fondly remember. One of which was the night I actually got out of the house by myself without my wife and drove myself out to Long Island for a transvestite mixer I had read about. Once I was out, I had two major surprises waiting for me. The first of which was I was happy I found the venue at all. The second one happened when I tried to get in. There were two women at the door monitoring who got in or not. I was flattered when they refused to believe I was a man at all and asked for an I.D. to prove who I was under all the hair, makeup, and fashion. 

The second most memorable night was again when I managed to be out alone in the world as my authentic self. Quite unexpectedly, I was invited to a Halloween party by one of my female assistant managers. Of course, I did not to think twice before I accepted her invitation and began to plan ahead on what I could wear that my wife would approve of. Finally, I learned she would never approve anything I wanted to wear, so I set out on my own to come up with a costume I would have fun with. It turned out my short tight dress and heels matched perfectly with what the other women in our little group were wearing. Plus, the women were all tall and I really blended in well in our heels.  

As I said, the culture shock of NYC over Ohio wore me down and we ended up moving back. When I did, I immediately fell back into the whole cross-dressing culture I was in before. I was unhappy and hidden away from the world, so I found another place to move to and uproot our lives. The job I was working offered me an opportunity opening restaurants along the Ohio River in southern Ohio. A very conservative area to be sure so I needed to up my cross-dressing outings. Somehow, throughout the whole adventure I grew tired of having limited places to go and wanted another move to improve myself. 

This time, I tried to move back to the Columbus, Ohio area where I knew several very diverse friends in the LGBTQ community, specifically the transgender crowd. Following a lot of work, I finally landed the job I wanted, and we moved again.

Finally, I grew tired of all the running I was doing, and I needed to settle down and face my gender issues head on. It took me until I was sixty to realize I needed to make a change to a full-time transgender lifestyle. When I did, a giant weight was lifted off my shoulders and I went on to start gender affirming hormones or HRT. It was a wonderful way to live. 

Transgender Destiny?

 

Image from Marvin 
Kuhn on UnSplash.

When some unknowing person says something like I had a choice to be transgender, I just laugh and say being trans was simply my destiny.

I believe my journey began before birth when my mom was prescribed the D.E.S. medication which was popular at the time for women who had a history of experiencing problem pregnancies. Since my mom had undergone three still births before me, it seems to me, she would have been a prime candidate for the drug when I was born in 1949. 

From the very brief studies I have seen on D.E.S., it was supposed to flood the mother's womb with estrogen. Which of course affected the fetus also. 

How ironic would it be that the initial dose of estrogen I received in the womb would later on come back to help me. It took me fifty years, but eventually I discovered when I went on HRT or gender affirming hormones, how natural I would feel. No adverse effects at all, just a warm feeling I was finally doing what was right. In other words, I was coming home. The only problem was my life was filled with the gender torment of fighting my basic will to be feminine. What if I had just given in to my instincts so much earlier. Would life had been more pleasant?

The problem was though, gender was never cut and dry with me. I was cursed with a male body which on one hand kept the bullies away but on the other, made it very difficult to obtain a feminine look when I found the secret time to cross dress as a girl. I had to take one or another which caused me considerable stress to my mental health. Waking up every day wondering if I was a boy or a girl, was certainly no fun. 

Plus, there was absolutely no one I could explain my gender issues to. I grew up in a male dominated family and knew there would be no way I could be accepted. I knew, even being caught in girls' clothes would earn me a trip to a psychiatrist. Deep down, I knew there was nothing mentally wrong with me, so I did want not any part of a visit. Remember, this was back in the 1950's when there was little to no knowledge of gender issues. In fact, gender issues were labeled as mental disorders. All that happened was, I was driven deeper into my feminine gender shell.  

As time went on, I developed a very thick shell which when I finally ready to do so, was difficult to escape from. In other words, I needed to establish too many levels of feminine escape before I made the final jump to the other gender frontier. I needed to slowly discover if the other gender as a transgender woman would provide me what I had been missing all of my life. I felt as if I was sliding down a slippery slope into a valley, I knew very little about. 

As I slid down the slope, I saw bit and pieces of my old life go by as I mourned some of the pieces and I rejoiced at others. As I felt more and more comfortable in my new transgender womanhood, I knew the landing would be as soft as possible. I found my gender needs had changed, for the best. I finally took my chance at the age of sixty to forever change my life and live fulltime as a transgender woman.

I finally had my chance to fulfill my D.E.S. destiny. I could not reclaim the time I had lost but I could lead a better life going forward.

Opening Transgender Doors

 

Image from Sara Darcaj on Unplash.

To me, life is a process when we are born and doors open and when you die, and doors close.

For transgender women and trans men, sometimes the process is more intense. Depending upon where you view yourself in the gender process, we go through a series of doors until we reach our dreams. On a personal note, I think I went through at least three or four transitions before I arrived where I am today. The first realization I had was when I was quite young and understood when I looked in the mirror cross dressed, it was only the beginning. I wanted to do so much more than just look like a girl; I wanted to live her life also. I equated it to the problems I had with my gender roller coaster. When I was able to dress as my feminine self, I was satisfied and happy, for a couple days until I became depressed and moody again. Looking back, I equate the process with knowing I was transgender but back then, the information on being trans just wasn't available.

My second big transition came when I learned I did not have to wait another whole year between Halloweens to test the world as me. I was desperate not to have to wait a whole year before I could learn again the feminine lessons I needed to move on to my next major transition. I refer to it quite a bit as the time I suddenly realized I wasn't a part-time cross dresser at all, I was a much scarier prospect, I was a transgender woman. A term which was just being known and popularized. I say scarier because accepting the fact I was transgender meant I needed to apply a deeper understanding to who I was on another level. Not just reapplying myself to more effective feminine presentations. Along the way, I had reached the point when I could blend in with society as myself, so I had the time and inner energy to move my life forward towards my dream which involved my next transition. 

The important aspect of my next major door to go through was the simple knowledge I could indeed establish a new life on the other side of the gender frontier. Confidence was everything as I decided to knock on the door of gender affirming hormones. I bravely sought out a doctor who would prescribe my minimal dosages of the meds until he could see I had no adverse problems. At that point, it was obvious to me my body had taken to the new hormones in a very unprecedented way. It was as if I should have been on the new treatment all my life. 

In turn, the changes the hormones made were nothing short of amazing. I could and have written entire blog posts on the hormonal subject and what it meant to me. At the least, all the doors I was able to go through in my life, made life much less boring and interesting. Just wondering what would be behind the next door was scary but exciting since changing genders into what you always should have been, made life worthwhile for me. 

Without doors to encounter, my life began to slow, and I had a chance to enjoy my true self thanks to new friends I had made. Along with my desire to see what is behind the next door.

Why Me???

 

Image from Paige Cody
on UnSplash

Earlier in life, when my journey into transgender womanhood was weighing heavily on me, in despair I would look in the mirror and whisper why me.

During that portion of my life as I was still learning the benefits of being a trans woman, I had not had the opportunity to witness the positives I could achieve. Perhaps, the positives are one reason a certain political group is dead set on erasing us. As always, the group has ignored the times in history when entire societies worshiped dual spirted or transgender members of their civilizations. Since I do have a degree in history, I often took the chance to do extra research on the subject in my spare time.

I also think outside TERF's or transphobic women do not trust us because we have spent time in a male dominated society enjoying male privilege. When in fact, we were not enjoying our experience at all and desperately wanted out.  As far as men go, so many are desperately hanging on to their frail sexuality, they become scared and bitter as they secretly watch their trans porn. Sadly, the men's frustration turns into violence towards the transgender woman the man wanted so badly. 

Perhaps the biggest thing I did not realize until I spent time in the public's eye as a transgender woman was how much both binary genders secretly value our knowledge of the world. I remember vividly the numerous times I was approached by other women dealing with man problems of their own. I found the other women really valued my insight into the male world. Through it all, I began to lighten up on my poor, poor pitiful me idea of life and began to see the benefits of living partially between the two main genders. Once I put being a gender victim behind me, my life brightened considerably.

The entire process went far beyond other women asking me about their men, all the way to me being able to increase my overall confidence in the new life I was living. Rapidly, my life was approaching a point of no return. The pressure was on to make the right decision on how I was going to live the rest of my life. I did not think the rest of the world could understand how badly I was torn by my gender decisions, so I did the male thing and internalized them. My mental health struggled badly until two things happened.

One of which was when my wife Liz came along and told me in no uncertain terms, she had only seen a female in me, and I should stop the remainder of life I was living as a man. The other was when I began HRT or gender affirming hormones. When I finally did begin the new hormones, my body took to the new regiment of meds as if I should have always been on them. 

Between the two, even the very stubborn part of me which was desperately hanging on to what was left of his old male life could not resist any longer. Overall, when I looked for my gender truth I found it. Why me? became my truth and when I accepted it, I knew I had done the right thing. My life became softer, richer and more colorful than ever before.   

To arrive there however I needed to pay my dues and learn many important lessons before I could move forward. 

I Was Led Kicking and Screaming

 

Summer Image. JJ Hart

One good question I receive a lot is why it took me so long to finally accept I was a transgender woman and move on. 

The answer is I was literally led kicking and screaming towards my gender dreams of accepting my feminine self. I know it seems like a contradiction in terms, but it is true. Looking back, there were two things I can attribute my problems to. The first one was my male self-put up a real fight every time his territory was encroached on. He always seemed to come up with good reasons why I should not consider going any farther into my increasingly natural feeling feminine world. When I was feeling more and more secure with my decision to live as a transgender woman, a good time as a male would come along and challenge my thought pattern. It was like he was saying, I told you so and I could continue living as a weekend or part-time crossdresser, more or less as a hobby. While other men my age golfed, I wore women's clothes in the secrecy of my house.

Deep down, I knew that would never be the final solution. I knew it from the first days I looked at myself in the mirror cross dressed knowing in a couple of days I would have to do it again because merely dressing in women's clothes just wasn't enough.

The second major problem I had was my twenty-five-year marriage to my second wife. Through all the ups and downs of living together that long, I dearly loved her. Plus, I am always careful to say she knew of my cross dressing before we became married and accepted it. It wasn't until I began to embrace the idea, I was transgender did she begin to put up serious resistance to her ever living with another woman which she equated me with if I started gender affirming hormones. The whole process led to the most shameful period of my life when I began to cheat on my wife, with myself. What I mean was, I would lie to my wife about where I would be and what I would be doing as a man when in truth, I was out testing the public as my new authentic self. I was led kicking and screaming into a new exciting world mainly because it felt so natural to me. 

For once in my life, I began to feel the possibility I could find happiness and just maybe my gender issues were the problem all along. When I reached that point, I ultimately knew deep down what decision I would have to make. It would be selfish of me to give up on our marriage just because I wanted to live as a woman. Ultimately, my decision was made for me when my wife unexpectedly died from a massive heart attack at the age of fifty. Following my tragedy, I decided my resistance to entering transgender womanhood was behind me and the time was now or never to accept my ultimate gender destiny. Start HRT and begin the process to give away all my male clothes, along with all vestiges of his old life.

From then on, my male self was finished.  I went on to find a whole new circle of friends who in turn taught me a deeper meaning of what it meant to be me. There was certainly no more kicking and screaming from my old male self as he had given up to the feminine master of my soul and universe. She had won the battle and never looked back. 

 

Trans Tipping Points

 

Image from Darius Bashar
on UnSplash

Many times, in the quiet of the night, I have the opportunity to look back at my long life.

When I do, I always ultimately come to the conclusion that I was always feminine and just refused to accept it. Even more, there were several times when I realized the many tipping points, I crossed along the way which heavily influenced my life. 

The first I always mention is very early when I cross dressed in front of the mirror at home, deep down I knew just looking like an attractive girl was never going to be enough. Instead, I wanted to be one. Which would become my lifetime goal. In order to arrive at my goal of course, there would be many obstacles to overcome. What would I do about my increasingly complex male life was one good example. Each good thing which happened to me as a man would have to be let go if and when I was able to transition into my preferred transgender womanhood. 

It was then I learned there would be many small tipping points to make it through to achieve my goal. I was finding I had a unique life which just had to be lived if I was to survive at all. The whole experience was at once terrifying and exciting. Here I was on the edge of doing something I had only ever dreamed of. I had arrived at the point where every night I went out as my authentic self, the feedback I received told me I was on the right path. Primarily, for the first time in my life I was feeling natural about what I was exploring with my gender. The main tipping point came when one night I put cross dressing behind me mentally and decided I would join the world of women as an equal, or another woman.

All of a sudden, the slick slope I was on became very slippery and I began to plan ahead for the time when I could begin to live my dream life as a transgender woman. I began to cherish as much as I could, each interaction which was happening in my new exciting world. I was successful in my new life, and I was loving it. Even the mistakes I still was making became fewer and easier to overlook. Through it all, I had no idea I could make it this far.

Perhaps my final and most potent tipping point came when I started gender affirming hormones. I knew when I started them, there would be no turning back. Even though I felt that way, I was not prepared for all the changes I was going to go through. Of course, I knew and hoped for a rapid increase in my breast size and increased growth of my hair. All of that happened as well as a complete softening of my skin. But most unexpected was the quick change I experienced with my emotions. I went through puberty again, even experiencing my first hot flashes. The bottom line was my life just softened, and I could cry tears of joy and anguish over the life I had left behind. Mainly tears of joy over what I had gained.

Tipping points for me became a way of life. Each one I went through brought me closer to my ultimate goal which I never knew was achievable. It was not until then did I understand how deep my gender issues ran. I needed to go through all the transgender tipping points to learn my lesson. 

  

Master of Myself

Transgender Flag from Lena Balk
on UnSplash. 

Or would have it been proper to say, Mistress of myself?

Probably so, as one way or another, I really struggled to arrive at where I needed to be to achieve my goal of transgender womanhood. Often, I write about how many nights when I came home in tears following being laughed at by an unfeeling public. Looking back now, I have a difficult time wondering what kept me going along my gender path. 

I suppose the little flashes of gender euphoria I experienced kept me going. Such as when I was accepted in malls and clothing stores before I realized all the clerks were seeing was my money, not my gender. Before long, the more experience I put behind me as a cross dresser or novice transgender woman, slowly the path was smoother and the happier I was becoming.

Then there were the small mixers I went to in nearby Columbus, Ohio. When I attended, I was able to see and meet all levels of the LGBTQ community. From admirers to transsexuals to lesbians, they all were there. It was one of the mixers where I was cornered by a much larger crossdresser admirer who was trying to take advantage of me and could have until I was rescued by my second wife. It was also there when I had my first encounter with a curious lesbian, and we left the mixer to visit a bigger lesbian bar. At that point, I was still heavily questioning which way my life would go. What kind of a path was I on and did I control it at all. 

In order to gain control, the only thing I could do was try to gain more and more experience as a transgender woman to learn if I was headed in the right direction with my life. So much was at stake and the pressure was on to make the right decision. In the meantime, I continued to follow my path and learn if I could indeed flip my gender script and attempt to be truly happy for the first time in my life. Perhaps, discovering the truth about myself, would finally provide me the missing link I was seeking. Of course, just dressing to appear as a woman did not solve the problem. As I gained confidence in the world, the world wanted to know more about me. The whole process opened up a whole new range of life opportunities. Such as how was I going to learn to communicate as a woman, all the way to adjusting to a whole new world of passive aggressive women. 

Again, it took a while for me to regain control of my life. Of course, attempting to change genders into my authentic self was a seismic shift in my life. On one hand, my authentic self-felt so natural but on the other, the entire process was so scary. So, I took my time before I started taking gender affirming hormones, so I burned all my gender bridges behind me. Looking back now, I wish I had done it all sooner and taken better control of my life.

I did not however and ended up not transitioning until I was in my sixties. Once I did, there was no looking back and I became the mistress of myself. Finally.  

 

tRumpt Promptly Comes after Us

 

Image from Darren Halstead 
on UnSplash

Of course, one of the first groups of people newly elected president tRumpt came after was transgender women and trans men. He dictated the country under his direction would only recognize two genders, male and female. 

This of course would affect everything from gender markers to passports. For all you transgender people who voiced your support for tRumpt, I wonder what you are thinking now. Perhaps the worst part of all of this is, we are just into day one of his term in office. Dark, troubling times are ahead for the LGBTQ community, especially the transgender portion. Of course, this should come as no major surprise to any rational thinking person.

I wonder what will happen when the new reality sets in with the gay and lesbian sectors of the country who, for the most part, became quite comfortable with their current status in our society. Then again, what will happen with all the active military transgender members who will be affected by all of this. I wonder too, what is going to happen with my Veteran's Administration services. I receive my gender affirming hormones through VA health care. So, I wonder what will happen.

Still, I resent the fact, a number of transgender women I know who voiced their support for the orange menace.

I hope you are satisfied with the price of eggs along with the rest of you. 

Finally, none of this mentioned the overall treatment of women as a whole by the political party ruled by tRumpt. It is also beyond me how any woman, cis or trans could support a party which wants to take their (our) rights away. 

It's too late now, we have billionaires like Musk giving the Nazi salute on stage this week. We are doomed. I am afraid.

The Ultimate Gender Challenge?

 

Image from Alexander Simonsen
on UnSplash

As I was in an ambulance on the way to a strange hospital in suburban Atlanta, I was so far out of it that I did not much care about being mis-gendered. I just wanted to feel better. 

All started out well as the EMS ambulance drivers referred to me without fail as Mz. Hart or Jessie. At least their kindness made me feel as if everything would indeed turn out to be OK. Then I thought how being gendered at a medical center has to be unique transgender experience. When you have to face strangers as your most fragile self. 

For a while, I was secure in the fact I would make it through the rank-and-file medical personnel accepted me as a female patient. Until I came to the most intimate point of my admission process. It was the time I needed to strip naked and fitted for an ubiquitous hospital robe. It was then when I was fitted for one of those contraptions to enable me not to wet the bed. It turned out, initially I was given a female version then asked if I wanted a male one which fit me better later on. At that point, it was obvious to me, I was confusing a portion of my nurses and that was where my wife Liz came in. Whenever a nurse refereed to me as he, Liz would promptly correct them. 

Overall, my hospital experience went as well as could be expected. I had reached the point of no return since I had never pursued any sort of gender realignment surgeries for any number of reasons. Including my lack of financial opportunities as well as not having good enough insurance to even think about any major operations. By this time, age had set in, as well as a fairly comfortable lifestyle with a family who accepted my transgender womanhood. Plus, I always had an aversion to pain I could not overcome so I did not even pursue any beard removal work. My lazy way out worked well with close shaves over the years along with the effects of gender affirming hormones, until it didn't. Which deep down I knew I would have to face someday. 

Well, the time was upon me last week during my hospital stay when I was too weak to get out of bed for several days so I could shave. When I was finally released to be discharged by the doctor in charge of my care, the first thing I did was closely shave and apply some light foundation as I brushed out my hair. Needless to say, I could not wait to put my hospital experience behind me. In all fairness, nearly all the hospital staff was nice to us and were intrigued by the fact Liz and I were stuck in Georgia after our bus had to leave us behind. I think they were behind me regaining my strength so I could. 

One way or another, it was an extreme gender learning experience.  

I Never Felt at Home

 

Image from JJ Hart

Rarely, every now and then someone asks me when I knew I had gender issues. 

The answer I give everyone is I knew forever there was something wrong with me. I just did not know what. Plus, by the time I realized what was wrong, I felt as if I was alone in the world with my gender issues. I was very confused. As I grew through my teen years, I knew I wanted to be a girl but just did not see a path forward. 

Through it all, I kept searching for answers. I knew for certain I felt elated and natural when I cross dressed as a girl and never quite felt at home when I was with a group of males. I felt as if I was an outsider looking in. 

The older I became, the better I was at hiding my feelings. I tried my best to do all the usual male activities such as playing sports and working on cars. I played the male game well to hide my inner most feminine feelings but all along still felt like an intruder. It wasn't until I began to seriously explore my transgender womanhood did, I finally learned the truth, I was not meant to live a male life at all. As I recently wrote, I was stuck in some sort of a gender never-never land I was destined to never escape. I spent too much time pitying myself and playing the gender victim before I stepped up to face my problems.

In the meantime, the biggest problem I faced was deciding what to do with the increasingly immense amount of male baggage I was accumulating. After being discharged from the Army and finishing my second college degree, we added my daughter to the family, and I suddenly needed to become serious about beginning a career which I could support a family on. Then came the route I followed to a successful job I would probably have to give up if I transitioned to a transgender woman. As I advanced up the corporate ladder, at all the macho leaning meetings I needed to attend, I still felt completely out of place. No matter how successful I was.

Then there was the biggest piece of baggage of all which was my second wife. Although, she knew from day one I was a cross dresser, she drew a line in the sand when it came to any idea at all I was transgender and wanted to begin gender affirming hormones. She and my male self-formed a formidable pair when it came to any idea of me going any further towards transgender womanhood. When she unexpectedly passed away at the age of fifty from a massive heart attack, my male self-lost his strongest supporter and he just faded quickly away.

At the same time, I was building a new set of friends who happened to be women and lesbian and I had never felt so at home in my life. They embraced me for my authentic self while at the same time I relaxed and learned so much about womanhood from them. I never thought possible, life would ever be so fulfilling again since I was already sixty. It was well over a decade now and during the same period I met my current wife, Liz. 

Feeling at home for the first time in my life was the best possible feeling I could ever have. 

Expedition Transgender

 

Image courtesy JJ Hart

The half century journey I embarked on to finally come up as my true authentic self was certainly an expedition. 

As I always mention, my discovery began with going through my mom's underwear drawer and trying on nylons, bras and girdles I could still fit into before testosterone poisoning really set in. From there, I progressed into makeup and very slowly began to increase my craft. I did not really want to look like a clown in drag so I did the best I could. 

Life went by and so did my expedition. Sadly, for several reasons, I developed several coping mechanisms to mask my gender truth. I tried and tried to convince myself my desire to wear women's clothes and look feminine was just a harmless hobby and perhaps was just a phase in life I was going through. It took me years to realize the true phase I was going through was that I was a male at all. With sheer willpower, I managed to learn to play the male game fairly successfully and lived a life which shielded my feminine self from most all intrusions. I went into my dark lonely gender closet and slammed the door.

It took me years to have the courage to open my closet door and tentatively look around. When I did, my expedition took sudden and encouraging turns. The more I tested the public as a transgender woman, the more successful I was. I set out to sample as much as I could of a woman's lifestyle and discover my feelings on what would happen next. I tried going to gay and lesbian bars as well as big sports bars and found I could carve out a spot as a regular in a so-called straight venue. I also tried to go to various other places such as bookstores and other retail venues single women would go. In other words, I was obsessed with coming as close as I could on my expedition to seeing what a cis woman went through in her life. By doing so, I could make the final decision on where I wanted to go with my life, as a man or as a woman. 

As my expedition transgender progressed, I found myself in a face-to-face decision on beginning to take gender affirming hormones or not. Since my only real opposition to beginning the hormones had passed away, my ultimate path was clear, and I sought out a doctor for approval. He checked me out and determined I was healthy enough to begin HRT with minimum dosages of Estradiol and a testosterone blocker and my life changed forever. All the changes which occurred would fill another blog post themselves. Perhaps the biggest overall surprise was how quickly my body took to the new hormones. So fast, I needed to rethink how quickly I was going to have to change the timetable of when I ultimately wanted to finish my expedition and enter my own transgender womanhood.

I learned the fact of the matter was, I was always living a gender lie. I had refused to accept the fact I was always deeply feminine and was forced into a male lifestyle from some cruel twist of fate. All the time I thought I was a man attempting to be a woman was wrong. I was a woman attempting to be a man.

I wish I could have a portion of my life back to re-center my expedition and start all over again.