Always Running

 

Image from JJ Hart

Much of my life was immersed in running from my gender problems. 

As fast as I could, I changed jobs and even places my wife and I lived so I thought would make a difference in my life. The prime example was when I picked up and moved my small family from our native southwestern Ohio to the huge bustling New York City metro area to operate a fast-food restaurant. By doing so, I thought deep down I would be closer to a population which would be more friendly to my cross-dressing desires.  I only made it a year before the culture shock pushed me back to our native Ohio.

In the meantime, I did have several moments when I was in New York which I will always fondly remember. One of which was the night I actually got out of the house by myself without my wife and drove myself out to Long Island for a transvestite mixer I had read about. Once I was out, I had two major surprises waiting for me. The first of which was I was happy I found the venue at all. The second one happened when I tried to get in. There were two women at the door monitoring who got in or not. I was flattered when they refused to believe I was a man at all and asked for an I.D. to prove who I was under all the hair, makeup, and fashion. 

The second most memorable night was again when I managed to be out alone in the world as my authentic self. Quite unexpectedly, I was invited to a Halloween party by one of my female assistant managers. Of course, I did not to think twice before I accepted her invitation and began to plan ahead on what I could wear that my wife would approve of. Finally, I learned she would never approve anything I wanted to wear, so I set out on my own to come up with a costume I would have fun with. It turned out my short tight dress and heels matched perfectly with what the other women in our little group were wearing. Plus, the women were all tall and I really blended in well in our heels.  

As I said, the culture shock of NYC over Ohio wore me down and we ended up moving back. When I did, I immediately fell back into the whole cross-dressing culture I was in before. I was unhappy and hidden away from the world, so I found another place to move to and uproot our lives. The job I was working offered me an opportunity opening restaurants along the Ohio River in southern Ohio. A very conservative area to be sure so I needed to up my cross-dressing outings. Somehow, throughout the whole adventure I grew tired of having limited places to go and wanted another move to improve myself. 

This time, I tried to move back to the Columbus, Ohio area where I knew several very diverse friends in the LGBTQ community, specifically the transgender crowd. Following a lot of work, I finally landed the job I wanted, and we moved again.

Finally, I grew tired of all the running I was doing, and I needed to settle down and face my gender issues head on. It took me until I was sixty to realize I needed to make a change to a full-time transgender lifestyle. When I did, a giant weight was lifted off my shoulders and I went on to start gender affirming hormones or HRT. It was a wonderful way to live. 

Transgender Destiny?

 

Image from Marvin 
Kuhn on UnSplash.

When some unknowing person says something like I had a choice to be transgender, I just laugh and say being trans was simply my destiny.

I believe my journey began before birth when my mom was prescribed the D.E.S. medication which was popular at the time for women who had a history of experiencing problem pregnancies. Since my mom had undergone three still births before me, it seems to me, she would have been a prime candidate for the drug when I was born in 1949. 

From the very brief studies I have seen on D.E.S., it was supposed to flood the mother's womb with estrogen. Which of course affected the fetus also. 

How ironic would it be that the initial dose of estrogen I received in the womb would later on come back to help me. It took me fifty years, but eventually I discovered when I went on HRT or gender affirming hormones, how natural I would feel. No adverse effects at all, just a warm feeling I was finally doing what was right. In other words, I was coming home. The only problem was my life was filled with the gender torment of fighting my basic will to be feminine. What if I had just given in to my instincts so much earlier. Would life had been more pleasant?

The problem was though, gender was never cut and dry with me. I was cursed with a male body which on one hand kept the bullies away but on the other, made it very difficult to obtain a feminine look when I found the secret time to cross dress as a girl. I had to take one or another which caused me considerable stress to my mental health. Waking up every day wondering if I was a boy or a girl, was certainly no fun. 

Plus, there was absolutely no one I could explain my gender issues to. I grew up in a male dominated family and knew there would be no way I could be accepted. I knew, even being caught in girls' clothes would earn me a trip to a psychiatrist. Deep down, I knew there was nothing mentally wrong with me, so I did want not any part of a visit. Remember, this was back in the 1950's when there was little to no knowledge of gender issues. In fact, gender issues were labeled as mental disorders. All that happened was, I was driven deeper into my feminine gender shell.  

As time went on, I developed a very thick shell which when I finally ready to do so, was difficult to escape from. In other words, I needed to establish too many levels of feminine escape before I made the final jump to the other gender frontier. I needed to slowly discover if the other gender as a transgender woman would provide me what I had been missing all of my life. I felt as if I was sliding down a slippery slope into a valley, I knew very little about. 

As I slid down the slope, I saw bit and pieces of my old life go by as I mourned some of the pieces and I rejoiced at others. As I felt more and more comfortable in my new transgender womanhood, I knew the landing would be as soft as possible. I found my gender needs had changed, for the best. I finally took my chance at the age of sixty to forever change my life and live fulltime as a transgender woman.

I finally had my chance to fulfill my D.E.S. destiny. I could not reclaim the time I had lost but I could lead a better life going forward.

Opening Transgender Doors

 

Image from Sara Darcaj on Unplash.

To me, life is a process when we are born and doors open and when you die, and doors close.

For transgender women and trans men, sometimes the process is more intense. Depending upon where you view yourself in the gender process, we go through a series of doors until we reach our dreams. On a personal note, I think I went through at least three or four transitions before I arrived where I am today. The first realization I had was when I was quite young and understood when I looked in the mirror cross dressed, it was only the beginning. I wanted to do so much more than just look like a girl; I wanted to live her life also. I equated it to the problems I had with my gender roller coaster. When I was able to dress as my feminine self, I was satisfied and happy, for a couple days until I became depressed and moody again. Looking back, I equate the process with knowing I was transgender but back then, the information on being trans just wasn't available.

My second big transition came when I learned I did not have to wait another whole year between Halloweens to test the world as me. I was desperate not to have to wait a whole year before I could learn again the feminine lessons I needed to move on to my next major transition. I refer to it quite a bit as the time I suddenly realized I wasn't a part-time cross dresser at all, I was a much scarier prospect, I was a transgender woman. A term which was just being known and popularized. I say scarier because accepting the fact I was transgender meant I needed to apply a deeper understanding to who I was on another level. Not just reapplying myself to more effective feminine presentations. Along the way, I had reached the point when I could blend in with society as myself, so I had the time and inner energy to move my life forward towards my dream which involved my next transition. 

The important aspect of my next major door to go through was the simple knowledge I could indeed establish a new life on the other side of the gender frontier. Confidence was everything as I decided to knock on the door of gender affirming hormones. I bravely sought out a doctor who would prescribe my minimal dosages of the meds until he could see I had no adverse problems. At that point, it was obvious to me my body had taken to the new hormones in a very unprecedented way. It was as if I should have been on the new treatment all my life. 

In turn, the changes the hormones made were nothing short of amazing. I could and have written entire blog posts on the hormonal subject and what it meant to me. At the least, all the doors I was able to go through in my life, made life much less boring and interesting. Just wondering what would be behind the next door was scary but exciting since changing genders into what you always should have been, made life worthwhile for me. 

Without doors to encounter, my life began to slow, and I had a chance to enjoy my true self thanks to new friends I had made. Along with my desire to see what is behind the next door.

Why Me???

 

Image from Paige Cody
on UnSplash

Earlier in life, when my journey into transgender womanhood was weighing heavily on me, in despair I would look in the mirror and whisper why me.

During that portion of my life as I was still learning the benefits of being a trans woman, I had not had the opportunity to witness the positives I could achieve. Perhaps, the positives are one reason a certain political group is dead set on erasing us. As always, the group has ignored the times in history when entire societies worshiped dual spirted or transgender members of their civilizations. Since I do have a degree in history, I often took the chance to do extra research on the subject in my spare time.

I also think outside TERF's or transphobic women do not trust us because we have spent time in a male dominated society enjoying male privilege. When in fact, we were not enjoying our experience at all and desperately wanted out.  As far as men go, so many are desperately hanging on to their frail sexuality, they become scared and bitter as they secretly watch their trans porn. Sadly, the men's frustration turns into violence towards the transgender woman the man wanted so badly. 

Perhaps the biggest thing I did not realize until I spent time in the public's eye as a transgender woman was how much both binary genders secretly value our knowledge of the world. I remember vividly the numerous times I was approached by other women dealing with man problems of their own. I found the other women really valued my insight into the male world. Through it all, I began to lighten up on my poor, poor pitiful me idea of life and began to see the benefits of living partially between the two main genders. Once I put being a gender victim behind me, my life brightened considerably.

The entire process went far beyond other women asking me about their men, all the way to me being able to increase my overall confidence in the new life I was living. Rapidly, my life was approaching a point of no return. The pressure was on to make the right decision on how I was going to live the rest of my life. I did not think the rest of the world could understand how badly I was torn by my gender decisions, so I did the male thing and internalized them. My mental health struggled badly until two things happened.

One of which was when my wife Liz came along and told me in no uncertain terms, she had only seen a female in me, and I should stop the remainder of life I was living as a man. The other was when I began HRT or gender affirming hormones. When I finally did begin the new hormones, my body took to the new regiment of meds as if I should have always been on them. 

Between the two, even the very stubborn part of me which was desperately hanging on to what was left of his old male life could not resist any longer. Overall, when I looked for my gender truth I found it. Why me? became my truth and when I accepted it, I knew I had done the right thing. My life became softer, richer and more colorful than ever before.   

To arrive there however I needed to pay my dues and learn many important lessons before I could move forward. 

I Was Led Kicking and Screaming

 

Summer Image. JJ Hart

One good question I receive a lot is why it took me so long to finally accept I was a transgender woman and move on. 

The answer is I was literally led kicking and screaming towards my gender dreams of accepting my feminine self. I know it seems like a contradiction in terms, but it is true. Looking back, there were two things I can attribute my problems to. The first one was my male self-put up a real fight every time his territory was encroached on. He always seemed to come up with good reasons why I should not consider going any farther into my increasingly natural feeling feminine world. When I was feeling more and more secure with my decision to live as a transgender woman, a good time as a male would come along and challenge my thought pattern. It was like he was saying, I told you so and I could continue living as a weekend or part-time crossdresser, more or less as a hobby. While other men my age golfed, I wore women's clothes in the secrecy of my house.

Deep down, I knew that would never be the final solution. I knew it from the first days I looked at myself in the mirror cross dressed knowing in a couple of days I would have to do it again because merely dressing in women's clothes just wasn't enough.

The second major problem I had was my twenty-five-year marriage to my second wife. Through all the ups and downs of living together that long, I dearly loved her. Plus, I am always careful to say she knew of my cross dressing before we became married and accepted it. It wasn't until I began to embrace the idea, I was transgender did she begin to put up serious resistance to her ever living with another woman which she equated me with if I started gender affirming hormones. The whole process led to the most shameful period of my life when I began to cheat on my wife, with myself. What I mean was, I would lie to my wife about where I would be and what I would be doing as a man when in truth, I was out testing the public as my new authentic self. I was led kicking and screaming into a new exciting world mainly because it felt so natural to me. 

For once in my life, I began to feel the possibility I could find happiness and just maybe my gender issues were the problem all along. When I reached that point, I ultimately knew deep down what decision I would have to make. It would be selfish of me to give up on our marriage just because I wanted to live as a woman. Ultimately, my decision was made for me when my wife unexpectedly died from a massive heart attack at the age of fifty. Following my tragedy, I decided my resistance to entering transgender womanhood was behind me and the time was now or never to accept my ultimate gender destiny. Start HRT and begin the process to give away all my male clothes, along with all vestiges of his old life.

From then on, my male self was finished.  I went on to find a whole new circle of friends who in turn taught me a deeper meaning of what it meant to be me. There was certainly no more kicking and screaming from my old male self as he had given up to the feminine master of my soul and universe. She had won the battle and never looked back. 

 

Trans Tipping Points

 

Image from Darius Bashar
on UnSplash

Many times, in the quiet of the night, I have the opportunity to look back at my long life.

When I do, I always ultimately come to the conclusion that I was always feminine and just refused to accept it. Even more, there were several times when I realized the many tipping points, I crossed along the way which heavily influenced my life. 

The first I always mention is very early when I cross dressed in front of the mirror at home, deep down I knew just looking like an attractive girl was never going to be enough. Instead, I wanted to be one. Which would become my lifetime goal. In order to arrive at my goal of course, there would be many obstacles to overcome. What would I do about my increasingly complex male life was one good example. Each good thing which happened to me as a man would have to be let go if and when I was able to transition into my preferred transgender womanhood. 

It was then I learned there would be many small tipping points to make it through to achieve my goal. I was finding I had a unique life which just had to be lived if I was to survive at all. The whole experience was at once terrifying and exciting. Here I was on the edge of doing something I had only ever dreamed of. I had arrived at the point where every night I went out as my authentic self, the feedback I received told me I was on the right path. Primarily, for the first time in my life I was feeling natural about what I was exploring with my gender. The main tipping point came when one night I put cross dressing behind me mentally and decided I would join the world of women as an equal, or another woman.

All of a sudden, the slick slope I was on became very slippery and I began to plan ahead for the time when I could begin to live my dream life as a transgender woman. I began to cherish as much as I could, each interaction which was happening in my new exciting world. I was successful in my new life, and I was loving it. Even the mistakes I still was making became fewer and easier to overlook. Through it all, I had no idea I could make it this far.

Perhaps my final and most potent tipping point came when I started gender affirming hormones. I knew when I started them, there would be no turning back. Even though I felt that way, I was not prepared for all the changes I was going to go through. Of course, I knew and hoped for a rapid increase in my breast size and increased growth of my hair. All of that happened as well as a complete softening of my skin. But most unexpected was the quick change I experienced with my emotions. I went through puberty again, even experiencing my first hot flashes. The bottom line was my life just softened, and I could cry tears of joy and anguish over the life I had left behind. Mainly tears of joy over what I had gained.

Tipping points for me became a way of life. Each one I went through brought me closer to my ultimate goal which I never knew was achievable. It was not until then did I understand how deep my gender issues ran. I needed to go through all the transgender tipping points to learn my lesson. 

  

Master of Myself

Transgender Flag from Lena Balk
on UnSplash. 

Or would have it been proper to say, Mistress of myself?

Probably so, as one way or another, I really struggled to arrive at where I needed to be to achieve my goal of transgender womanhood. Often, I write about how many nights when I came home in tears following being laughed at by an unfeeling public. Looking back now, I have a difficult time wondering what kept me going along my gender path. 

I suppose the little flashes of gender euphoria I experienced kept me going. Such as when I was accepted in malls and clothing stores before I realized all the clerks were seeing was my money, not my gender. Before long, the more experience I put behind me as a cross dresser or novice transgender woman, slowly the path was smoother and the happier I was becoming.

Then there were the small mixers I went to in nearby Columbus, Ohio. When I attended, I was able to see and meet all levels of the LGBTQ community. From admirers to transsexuals to lesbians, they all were there. It was one of the mixers where I was cornered by a much larger crossdresser admirer who was trying to take advantage of me and could have until I was rescued by my second wife. It was also there when I had my first encounter with a curious lesbian, and we left the mixer to visit a bigger lesbian bar. At that point, I was still heavily questioning which way my life would go. What kind of a path was I on and did I control it at all. 

In order to gain control, the only thing I could do was try to gain more and more experience as a transgender woman to learn if I was headed in the right direction with my life. So much was at stake and the pressure was on to make the right decision. In the meantime, I continued to follow my path and learn if I could indeed flip my gender script and attempt to be truly happy for the first time in my life. Perhaps, discovering the truth about myself, would finally provide me the missing link I was seeking. Of course, just dressing to appear as a woman did not solve the problem. As I gained confidence in the world, the world wanted to know more about me. The whole process opened up a whole new range of life opportunities. Such as how was I going to learn to communicate as a woman, all the way to adjusting to a whole new world of passive aggressive women. 

Again, it took a while for me to regain control of my life. Of course, attempting to change genders into my authentic self was a seismic shift in my life. On one hand, my authentic self-felt so natural but on the other, the entire process was so scary. So, I took my time before I started taking gender affirming hormones, so I burned all my gender bridges behind me. Looking back now, I wish I had done it all sooner and taken better control of my life.

I did not however and ended up not transitioning until I was in my sixties. Once I did, there was no looking back and I became the mistress of myself. Finally.  

 

tRumpt Promptly Comes after Us

 

Image from Darren Halstead 
on UnSplash

Of course, one of the first groups of people newly elected president tRumpt came after was transgender women and trans men. He dictated the country under his direction would only recognize two genders, male and female. 

This of course would affect everything from gender markers to passports. For all you transgender people who voiced your support for tRumpt, I wonder what you are thinking now. Perhaps the worst part of all of this is, we are just into day one of his term in office. Dark, troubling times are ahead for the LGBTQ community, especially the transgender portion. Of course, this should come as no major surprise to any rational thinking person.

I wonder what will happen when the new reality sets in with the gay and lesbian sectors of the country who, for the most part, became quite comfortable with their current status in our society. Then again, what will happen with all the active military transgender members who will be affected by all of this. I wonder too, what is going to happen with my Veteran's Administration services. I receive my gender affirming hormones through VA health care. So, I wonder what will happen.

Still, I resent the fact, a number of transgender women I know who voiced their support for the orange menace.

I hope you are satisfied with the price of eggs along with the rest of you. 

Finally, none of this mentioned the overall treatment of women as a whole by the political party ruled by tRumpt. It is also beyond me how any woman, cis or trans could support a party which wants to take their (our) rights away. 

It's too late now, we have billionaires like Musk giving the Nazi salute on stage this week. We are doomed. I am afraid.

The Ultimate Gender Challenge?

 

Image from Alexander Simonsen
on UnSplash

As I was in an ambulance on the way to a strange hospital in suburban Atlanta, I was so far out of it that I did not much care about being mis-gendered. I just wanted to feel better. 

All started out well as the EMS ambulance drivers referred to me without fail as Mz. Hart or Jessie. At least their kindness made me feel as if everything would indeed turn out to be OK. Then I thought how being gendered at a medical center has to be unique transgender experience. When you have to face strangers as your most fragile self. 

For a while, I was secure in the fact I would make it through the rank-and-file medical personnel accepted me as a female patient. Until I came to the most intimate point of my admission process. It was the time I needed to strip naked and fitted for an ubiquitous hospital robe. It was then when I was fitted for one of those contraptions to enable me not to wet the bed. It turned out, initially I was given a female version then asked if I wanted a male one which fit me better later on. At that point, it was obvious to me, I was confusing a portion of my nurses and that was where my wife Liz came in. Whenever a nurse refereed to me as he, Liz would promptly correct them. 

Overall, my hospital experience went as well as could be expected. I had reached the point of no return since I had never pursued any sort of gender realignment surgeries for any number of reasons. Including my lack of financial opportunities as well as not having good enough insurance to even think about any major operations. By this time, age had set in, as well as a fairly comfortable lifestyle with a family who accepted my transgender womanhood. Plus, I always had an aversion to pain I could not overcome so I did not even pursue any beard removal work. My lazy way out worked well with close shaves over the years along with the effects of gender affirming hormones, until it didn't. Which deep down I knew I would have to face someday. 

Well, the time was upon me last week during my hospital stay when I was too weak to get out of bed for several days so I could shave. When I was finally released to be discharged by the doctor in charge of my care, the first thing I did was closely shave and apply some light foundation as I brushed out my hair. Needless to say, I could not wait to put my hospital experience behind me. In all fairness, nearly all the hospital staff was nice to us and were intrigued by the fact Liz and I were stuck in Georgia after our bus had to leave us behind. I think they were behind me regaining my strength so I could. 

One way or another, it was an extreme gender learning experience.  

I Never Felt at Home

 

Image from JJ Hart

Rarely, every now and then someone asks me when I knew I had gender issues. 

The answer I give everyone is I knew forever there was something wrong with me. I just did not know what. Plus, by the time I realized what was wrong, I felt as if I was alone in the world with my gender issues. I was very confused. As I grew through my teen years, I knew I wanted to be a girl but just did not see a path forward. 

Through it all, I kept searching for answers. I knew for certain I felt elated and natural when I cross dressed as a girl and never quite felt at home when I was with a group of males. I felt as if I was an outsider looking in. 

The older I became, the better I was at hiding my feelings. I tried my best to do all the usual male activities such as playing sports and working on cars. I played the male game well to hide my inner most feminine feelings but all along still felt like an intruder. It wasn't until I began to seriously explore my transgender womanhood did, I finally learned the truth, I was not meant to live a male life at all. As I recently wrote, I was stuck in some sort of a gender never-never land I was destined to never escape. I spent too much time pitying myself and playing the gender victim before I stepped up to face my problems.

In the meantime, the biggest problem I faced was deciding what to do with the increasingly immense amount of male baggage I was accumulating. After being discharged from the Army and finishing my second college degree, we added my daughter to the family, and I suddenly needed to become serious about beginning a career which I could support a family on. Then came the route I followed to a successful job I would probably have to give up if I transitioned to a transgender woman. As I advanced up the corporate ladder, at all the macho leaning meetings I needed to attend, I still felt completely out of place. No matter how successful I was.

Then there was the biggest piece of baggage of all which was my second wife. Although, she knew from day one I was a cross dresser, she drew a line in the sand when it came to any idea at all I was transgender and wanted to begin gender affirming hormones. She and my male self-formed a formidable pair when it came to any idea of me going any further towards transgender womanhood. When she unexpectedly passed away at the age of fifty from a massive heart attack, my male self-lost his strongest supporter and he just faded quickly away.

At the same time, I was building a new set of friends who happened to be women and lesbian and I had never felt so at home in my life. They embraced me for my authentic self while at the same time I relaxed and learned so much about womanhood from them. I never thought possible, life would ever be so fulfilling again since I was already sixty. It was well over a decade now and during the same period I met my current wife, Liz. 

Feeling at home for the first time in my life was the best possible feeling I could ever have. 

Expedition Transgender

 

Image courtesy JJ Hart

The half century journey I embarked on to finally come up as my true authentic self was certainly an expedition. 

As I always mention, my discovery began with going through my mom's underwear drawer and trying on nylons, bras and girdles I could still fit into before testosterone poisoning really set in. From there, I progressed into makeup and very slowly began to increase my craft. I did not really want to look like a clown in drag so I did the best I could. 

Life went by and so did my expedition. Sadly, for several reasons, I developed several coping mechanisms to mask my gender truth. I tried and tried to convince myself my desire to wear women's clothes and look feminine was just a harmless hobby and perhaps was just a phase in life I was going through. It took me years to realize the true phase I was going through was that I was a male at all. With sheer willpower, I managed to learn to play the male game fairly successfully and lived a life which shielded my feminine self from most all intrusions. I went into my dark lonely gender closet and slammed the door.

It took me years to have the courage to open my closet door and tentatively look around. When I did, my expedition took sudden and encouraging turns. The more I tested the public as a transgender woman, the more successful I was. I set out to sample as much as I could of a woman's lifestyle and discover my feelings on what would happen next. I tried going to gay and lesbian bars as well as big sports bars and found I could carve out a spot as a regular in a so-called straight venue. I also tried to go to various other places such as bookstores and other retail venues single women would go. In other words, I was obsessed with coming as close as I could on my expedition to seeing what a cis woman went through in her life. By doing so, I could make the final decision on where I wanted to go with my life, as a man or as a woman. 

As my expedition transgender progressed, I found myself in a face-to-face decision on beginning to take gender affirming hormones or not. Since my only real opposition to beginning the hormones had passed away, my ultimate path was clear, and I sought out a doctor for approval. He checked me out and determined I was healthy enough to begin HRT with minimum dosages of Estradiol and a testosterone blocker and my life changed forever. All the changes which occurred would fill another blog post themselves. Perhaps the biggest overall surprise was how quickly my body took to the new hormones. So fast, I needed to rethink how quickly I was going to have to change the timetable of when I ultimately wanted to finish my expedition and enter my own transgender womanhood.

I learned the fact of the matter was, I was always living a gender lie. I had refused to accept the fact I was always deeply feminine and was forced into a male lifestyle from some cruel twist of fate. All the time I thought I was a man attempting to be a woman was wrong. I was a woman attempting to be a man.

I wish I could have a portion of my life back to re-center my expedition and start all over again.  

 

Getting What you Want

 

Image from Aiden Craver
on UnSplash.

This is not really a Christmas post, even though in many ways, it fits in well with the season. 

As I was growing up, I vividly remember being asked what I wanted to be when I grew up into an adult. I also remember lying and saying something like a lawyer or doctor. Anything to make my parents happy without telling whoever asked, I really just wanted to be a girl when I grew up. An answer such as that would have landed me in all sorts of trouble.  

I progressed through life doing my best to navigate a very dark and bumpy gender road without much help from anyone except the occasional therapist. Through it all, for the longest time, getting what I wanted was a faraway dream. During my gender journey, I faced all sorts of problems such as my reoccurring issues dealing with my feminine appearance. Like so many of you, I needed to learn the fashion and makeup arts all by myself with no one to help. Back in those days, there were not the plethora of on-line makeup videos and special makeup stores to help a novice cross dresser along.

Then there were the up close and personal meetings I had with the impossibly feminine transsexual women I met. Interacting with them made me feel again how impossible my dream of becoming a full-time woman of any sort would be. However, it was about this time I began to take better care of myself, so I had a chance of becoming a better feminine version of myself. 

I dieted and lost nearly fifty pounds and began a regular skin routine which really helped with using less makeup and achieving better results. Suddenly, there was a light at the end of my presentation tunnel which was not the train. Maybe I could get what I wanted after all. At that point, I really became serious about exploring the world as a transgender woman. The rest as they say is history. When I did gather the courage to enter the world, I found I could survive. I discovered a great majority of the world did not care and a smaller percentage was just curious and amazingly enough, a smaller percentage yet respected me for living my truth. The bottom line was I survived and became better at life as a transgender woman.

When I did survive and relaxed, I saw my reality shining through. Maybe, just maybe, I could shed the shackles of my old male existence and live my gender dream. I could answer finally my own question of what I wanted to be when I grew up. A woman. To further the process along, I was able to begin gender affirming hormones which femininized me even further. My facial lines softened, my hair and breasts began to grow, and my emotions softened to the point where I could cry freely for the first time in my life. Through it all, my body was asking me what took so long to start HRT.

Looking back, getting what I wanted was the most difficult trip I had ever taken in my entire life. Pure perseverance and destiny helped me along to a full-time life away from my old unwanted male self, into a life I always wanted.   

Mountain of Hope...Mound of Ash

 

Image from JJ Hart

On occasion when I was following my very long path to transgender womanhood, I did experience enough hope to keep moving forward towards my ultimate goal of living a fulltime feminine life. 

Those were the days I was on top of the world and felt good about my life as a whole. Sadly, too many times my dreams were crushed mainly with me making poor gender decisions. Those were the nights I returned home with tears in my eyes following brutal interactions with the public. I was at the least stared at and at the worst laughed at to my face. Since I had only the mirror to blame for lying to me, I needed to find a better way to improve my presentation as a novice cross dresser or transgender woman. 

Really, the only recourse I had was to keep going out hoping for the best and expecting the worst. Very gradually, out of sheer will power, I did become better at my craft and my confidence grew. I was climbing my mountain of hope and staying there. Sadly, my only mound of ash came when I was discovered by my second wife when I was returning home after a night out. Predictably a massive fight would happen, and feelings would be hurt. It wasn't until years later when I finally had the courage to face my gender truth and finally transition. By that time my wife had passed away and it was a moot point. Following her passing, I found I had another mountain to climb. 

My mountain was one of loneliness. For the first time in over twenty-five years, I was by myself with only my two dogs to take care of. No other person to worry about disappointing with all of my gender adventures. It did not take me long to decide which direction to go with my life. My inner feminine soul was screaming to be let out and for once there was nothing to restrain her. She was my woman, and I was her.  With new enthusiasm, I began to climb again. Sure, there were still setbacks and problems with my new life. A primary example was when I tried to date men and was constantly stood up on potential dates. Fortunately, when I began to be accepted by lesbians, I found I did not need a man to be validated as a woman. 

When I climbed my gender mountain, I began to begin too clearly see what was going on around me. As all the clouds and doubt parted and I could see there was only one path for me to pursue. I finally gave up on my male self, gave away all his clothes, started gender affirming hormones and never looked back. 

When I finally freed myself up to be me, I never had felt better. It was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders which I had carried way too long. Since I am afraid of heights, climbing my gender mountain was never easy but I made it. 

I Chose Me

 

Image from the JJ Hart archives.

In an extension of yesterday's post, I decided to explore how I chose my inner feminine soul over my forced male existence I was rebelling against.

Basically, the deciding factor came down to how natural I felt as I cross dressed in the very beginning of my gender path to freedom. Very early, I remember vividly how I so desperately wanted to be more than just a boy dressed as a girl in the mirror. I wanted to be the girl. Why did I have to put up with all the male problems I had so much a problem with. 

As I embarked down a very long path to having the courage to finally living as me, as I write about often, the longer I waited, the more baggage I needed to do away with. Often I was my own worst enemy when it came to having any success as a male as it seemed every male privilege I secured someday I would have to give it away. This extended to making any new friends. It was very difficult to be close to someone who may reject me when I set out to live a new life and let the old one go. 

At the many milestones I encountered on my gender path, deep down, I needed to choose me. Especially when I learned there would be more than one major transition I would have to take. My primary go to example was the momentous evening when I suddenly decided I was done with being a cross dresser. I wanted so much more. It was the night I went out to mingle with other professional women getting off work at a bar/restaurant by the mall I always went to. The whole process was basically a mental move, in that for the first time I was going out in my mind as a transgender woman trying to be the equal of any other woman I met. I wasn't a man at all.  It meant the world to me when I was successful and knew right then I could never go back on my journey. Somehow, someway, I just had to be me.

My main roadblock was my second wife who accepted me as a cross dresser but always drew the line at any suggestion of me being transgender. Especially when gender affirming hormones were brought up. She rightfully saw her man she married slipping away and wanted no part of it.

Unfortunately for both of us, I had gone too far to turn back on my dream of living as a transgender woman. I was following my path the best I could and did not want to go back. Choosing me, over the life I had was the most difficult decision I ever had to make. The pressure was on to make my choice and for the longest time, I tried my best to live a life in both the binary genders. Plus, it seemed when I thought I had life all figured out, more and more questions arose. Like what was I going to do about my sexuality was a big one. Was I going to pursue men or become a transgender lesbian. 

Once I made my decision, the rest was easy. The pressure was off and I was free to be the me I should have been all along. What a relief!

Trans Girl in a Wig Store

 

JJ Hart Blonde Look.

Perhaps I should say trans girl in as many wig stores as she could find. 

Once I arrived at the point where I could even afford a nice hairpiece, I was like a kid in a candy store. So many styles of wigs to choose from and so little time to try them all on. I wish I could say I quickly became better at the process of choosing my crowning glory. Sadly, similar to the rest of my outfits or fashion, I was going too trashy to blend in with the women in public. I was telling myself since I needed to overcome a large head and body, I needed large hair to do it.

Also, to find a wig store I had not been to, I needed to drive long distances. Primarily from my medium sized hometown which had no stores which specialized in wigs all the way to Dayton or even Cincinnati which had several. 

Once I made the trip, I needed to learn several of the shop owners were not really interested in how I presented in new hair but were very interested in how much I had to spend. The owners could not do much to direct me in the proper direction of what I needed to look better as a transgender woman. Being fair to them, my male ego was in the way, telling me how to choose because he thought I would look better. Many times, I ended up buying what I today call clown wigs which were guaranteed to get me recognized or clocked as a cross dressed man. The wigs were good for Halloween and not much else.

All in all, the choices were bewildering. I felt as if I was back in my beginning days in the makeup department when I was attempting to figure out what product I wanted to try. In the wig store, I had to choose a color of hair I wanted, style I wanted and even which hair I wanted, human or synthetic. The possibilities were endless. 

In the beginning, my default color was always red or auburn before I started to shift away to other shades. For years I rotated between dark colors and blond which became my favorite. I was enjoying the changes in my appearance until I needed to settle down into one look when people began to recognize me. No more changing my name with my wigs. Settling down was difficult but something I needed to do as I followed my path to transgender womanhood. 

Through the magic of gender affirming hormones and good genetics, I arrived at the point where I did not need to wear a wig at all. In fact, one of the best gifts I had ever received came from my daughter when she provided me with a visit to her own upscale beauty salon. Even though  the experience was terrifying at first, I ended up loving it and could not wait to go back. Almost immediately I understood why cis women spend so much time and money at their salon. 

Most certainly, I cannot overstate the importance of hair to our outfits and fashion as transgender women or cross dressers. Hair demands all the effort we put into it. 

De-Transition?

 

Woman's get together. I am on the 
bottom row, far left.

Several posts ago I may have written something which made some readers think I was considering ever de-transitioning back to my old male life.

To begin with, there is no way I would go back to a life I never appreciated. Even though I was mildly successful at living a male life, something was always missing. It turned out what was missing was my feminine soul. The problem was I needed to develop my feminine soul to the point where she could flourish. It took me years to discover the truth with many starts and stops along the way. For years it seemed everytime I took a step forward as a transgender woman then I took a step or two back. The entire process was very frustrating. I was finding out leaving the men's club and entering the woman's club was going to be much more complex than I ever thought. 

Even with all the threats to the transgender community today, the easy way out would be for me to go back to the life I used to have. Also during my life, I have learned taking the easy way out is not often the best way to exist and be true to yourself. Trans womanhood was my true self and when I recognized it, my fragile mental health as well as my life in general improved. So, I knew completely I had done the right thing by stopping the cruel joke I was leading trying to live as a man. The major reason I would never go back to an unhappy existence which led me to alcohol abuse and even a suicide attempt.   

When I transitioned into a feminine world, I finally also learned how to be happy. Something I had never learned how to be. All the time, effort and work I put into relearning how to live made the whole process so worthwhile. So why would I give it all up?

Then there were all the magical hormonal changes I went through when I started gender affirming hominess nearly a decade ago. When I did, it seemed my body took to the changes so naturally and was so ready for change. Even though I experienced many external changes to my body, I also went through major internal changes such as emotional growth. I constantly worry about giving all of the hormonal gains up from HRT if I had a medical emergency or if the government tries to take them away. 

I also had a question from Georgette about the picture I used for the post. She asked if I ever had seen any of the women again and were any LGBTQ orientated. I do keep in occasional contact with two of the women in the group and no I don't think any of them have or had any other contacts in the LGBTQ community. In essence, I was really just one of the girls except for one woman who seemed to really resent me.

I hope this answers some of the comments I receive here. For obvious reasons, I can't answer all of them in a post but I thought the de-transitioning comment was important enough to share. As always I really appreciate all the input I receive. Thank You. 

 

Outreach in Transition

Paula from the UK.

Recently, I received this comment  from long time reader "Paula" who is from the UK: 

"Here in the UK we are all pretty nervous about talking to journalists, especially TV journalists as so much of what is broadcast is at best negative and at worst downright attacks. Having said that the work you are doing is important, as more and more of us approach our dotage with more of us out than ever before elderly LGBT+ care will be more important than ever."

Thanks for the comment Paula and after a weekend to think about doing the interview, the voices in my head told me to shy away from doing it. Due to me mostly listening to the voices I have in my head and going forward, after seeing our new president in action, I have decided to dial back much of my outreach activities and be more careful of the crazies who are popping up. 

Hopefully, none of that will impact the blog in anyway which I am still dedicated to and I remain true to my initial vision when I began this writing journey over a decade ago. I wanted to share my transgender experiences with anyone who could benefit from them. 

Looking ahead at my own future, I am fortunate to be surrounded by a supportive cast of transgender allies who could help me when  potential difficult situations arise. The main one I can see happening is if tRumpt and his minions try to meddle with my Veterans Administration health care which could mean I would have to seek out a new more expensive source for my gender affirming hormones. I will have to jump off of that bridge if it ever happens. 

A  much closer bridge to jump off of for me is coming up Wednesday when I go to my Hematology appointment. Following my last round of blood work, I was told my platelets were low again and I needed a consult. Never a good thing to hear when you are seventy five like I am but I will see what they say coming up very shortly. 

One way or another, I thought I would keep you all involved with what I was doing with my curtailed outreach attempts. Most certainly I will continue my Cincinnati Alzheimer's diversity committee work I do and as I said continue to write the blog which has undergone so many changes over the years. When I look back on any of the early posts I wrote, they were mostly appearance related whereas today the posts are lifestyle intensive.  

May we all survive the future the best we can. In the meantime, thanks so very much for reading along with my experiences. Hopefully they can help you in the best possible way.  

If You can see it You Can be It

 

Image from Trans Ohio party JJ Hart.

Long ago, when I first glimpsed myself in the mirror as a feminine person, very soon I realized just seeing myself was not enough, I wanted to be the girl I was watching. 

In the classic if I had known then what I know now, I would have known then I was less of a cross dresser and more of a transgender woman. Way before the term transgender was ever used. Now more than ever before, it is time for us to blend in with the public at large as transgender women or trans men. We just have to be better and better.

Fortunately, I had years of preparation to be ready to face the world. Since I had plenty of testosterone poisoning to overcome, there was work to be done and I needed the courage to do it. Along the way, I viewed the whole process as stairsteps towards what I perceived as an impossible dream of transgender womanhood. Facing the world with confidence was my biggest problem. Every time I took a positive step forward when I went out in the world as a novice transgender woman, it seemed then I faced several steps back. When I was on point with my fashion and makeup, I lost it with my voice. Or vice versa on other days when I caught myself slipping back into my old male ways and walking like a linebacker. Adding to my problems was I was still trying to maintain a life stuck between the two main binary genders which made my existence even more difficult. I needed to consciously think all of the time which gender I was dealing with the world as. I was in.

Very slowly, I worked through this phase of my life and found women friends who I could learn from. I learned I could relax with them while at the same time learning how it was in woman only spaces. At the time, when I looked in the mirror, I was seeing it and being it which felt wonderful and so natural I knew I was in the right place. For the first time in my life, I thought my dream of leading a feminine life could be realized.  

Through it all, I still needed to work on my makeup and fashion skills to blend in with what my lesbian friends were wearing. It was a challenge because I needed to look as if I was not wearing any makeup at all when I was. I needed to work harder than the average woman to succeed in the world. By this time, I was used to it and worked hard to instill confidence in what I was doing with my gender goals since there was so much at stake. I was playing a high risk game with my life. Was the grass really greener on the other side of the gender border. 

I found out indeed the grass was greener but often not so easy to enjoy. I met more than a few women who did not want me in their world and did not hold back on their dislike for me. When they did, I needed to quickly pull the knife out of my back, smile and move on to friendlier situations. 

By this time, I was so close to seeing my dream goal of transgender womanhood, I pushed on even harder. I started gender affirming hormones with my doctor's approval. When I did, the changes came quickly and naturally as my body adapted to the new feminine hormones. Predictable changes such as hair and breast growth were quickly proceeded by inner changes with emotions as my life suddenly became softer. With my softer skin my facial changes were fairly dramatic and I knew then I could see it and be it.

As with any other long journey, you wonder was it worth the time and effort. With me the trip from the mirror into the world and beyond was just finding my true self. 

Hitting the Transgender Wall

 

Image from Selin 
on UnSplash

There were so many times during my journey to finding my authentic self that I hit a wall or two or more. 

The easy walls came when I was younger and was trying to find makeup and wardrobe items to admire myself in the mirror. During that time and into the future, finances were a major set back. As much as I admired the pretty clothes the girls around me were wearing, I just did not have the money to afford any of them. There was no way I could go to my parents and ask for a pretty dress for my birthday or Christmas. Plus, I was stuck at a major point of my overall femininized image when it came to my hair. In those days, I was stuck with very short hair cuts such as burr or crew cuts and there was no way I could afford a wig. A major wall, to be sure as I think having the first wig I cherished did not come around until my college years in the late 1960's till the early 1970's when my military days took over. Of course I was against the wall again when my hair needed to be kept very short.

After I had served my time in the Army, I was able to secure the finances to afford a more update feminine wardrobe and my walls began to take on a more mental aspect with me. The more I was able to sneak out of the house and into the public, the more I knew I had little or no knowledge of where I wanted to go as a novice transgender woman. It seemed everything was being thrown at me at once and my mental health crumbled after I was hitting many walls at once. My male life was becoming more and more demanding as I became successful at my job and I discovered the more I explored the female world, the more I liked it. 

Even so, climbing the feminine walls were difficult. It seemed everytime I mastered one aspect of being a transgender woman such as walking, I would catch my heel in the crack of a sidewalk and ruin my whole day. As I continued along my bumpy gender path, I found mishaps with walking in heels were indeed minor in the scope of my transgender life. On the horizon loomed much more serious walls such as communication with the public and with women in particular. Overwhelmingly, men ignored me and women were curious about what I was doing in their world, I discovered quite quickly I was interacting with more women than I had ever done as a guy which was scary in many ways, including what would I say and how would I say it. 

I wondered what had I done when I was forced to actually talk the talk of the person I had become. I resorted to what had worked for me in the past as I had encountered tough trans walls to climb. I basically tried to shut my mouth and observe what was going around me. It worked to an extent until people (women) began to warm up to the new person I had become. I even was giving other women advice on how to understand their boyfriends or spouses. 

Anyway you cut it, I guess for me, gender affirming hormones created the last major wall for me to climb. At the time, I was doing my best to appear as a woman and communicate as one to the world. Beginning the hormones in many ways was a selfish move because I did it for myself. When I did, instead of more walls crashing down, they melted. HRT, when I was approved for it was a magic potent stimulant my body had been craving for years. Very quickly, I knew I had made the right move as I was able to tear the final walls down and make my way into fulltime transgender womanhood. 

Surely, I was bruised and battered by hitting all the transgender walls I needed to scale to live the life I wanted but I made it. When I look back on all the terrifying yet exciting steps I took to get to where I am mow, I wonder how I made it. First there was my appearance and battling testosterone poisoning then overcoming the problems of male behavior which also effected my life that all made for a rough journey. Surely there were too many walls to count.   

Happlily Ever After?

 

Image from Dave 
Goudreau on
UnSplash. 

When it comes to transgender women and trans men, is there ever a happy ending?

As we examine our lives , again and again, we inevitably encounter many pains as we make the transition from one gender to another. Most of us (including me) go through a period of time when we consider ourselves to be cross dressers or transvestites. We were in our own state of limbo, not knowing where we were going. I am amazed when anyone in the outside world thinks our life was so much easier and we were wearing the clothes of the opposite sex as some sort of a lark.

The fact remains, amidst the brief moments of gender euphoria in front of the mirror, we never actually had a choice when it came to our gender issues. In the case of many people such as me, my journey was very lonely and singular and I wondered if I could ever live happily ever after as a transgender woman. It seemed like the impossible dream and if I could ever arrive there, perhaps I could finally become happy. But happiness for me had always been fleeting. Probably because I had never seen much of happy in my family growing up. We were taught anything we did was never good enough. It carried over into my life as a novice transgender woman. 

No matter how attractive I thought I was, there always had to be more. I needed to be better as a trans woman. It turned out I did need to be better to survive in a new feminine world but getting there was a challenge when I went too far, too fast in the wrong direction. Primarily when I went over board in how I was dressing myself way too slutty and attracting the wrong attention to myself. It wasn't the type of validation I was seeking. It took me awhile to realize I could not make it to any semblance of happiness on the path I was on. 

I learned I never would have a chance to be happy in transgender womanhood, unless I began to change my ways and began to dress to blend in with the world. Once I did, I learned I had a whole new set of challenges I needed to face to be happy. Similar to many of you, I faced spousal issues as well as job, family and friends. I always considered changing my gender was a difficult task to take but I never knew all the nuances of making the change I would have to take. Being a woman, trans or not, was a very layered process and I would ever be happy if and when I ever arrived at my goal of living fulltime as my authentic self. 

Then there were the gender affirming hormones I decided to pursue. Before I could begin the meds, I needed permission from a doctor and a therapist to begin. Adding to the importance of the move but once I started the hormones, I knew I was in the right place and I would not turn back to my old unwanted male life.

Even with the HRT, happiness was still fleeting as I faced a wonderful new world. Most likely because there were still instances of public setbacks I still had to negotiate, which included times when my mind was playing gender tricks on me. I was still influenced by sixty years of living a male life and being conditioned to never be happy.

Now, at the age o seventy five, I know I certainly have fewer years ahead than behind me. Now I have to make a concerted effort to be happy. If I don't, it will be too late.