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| Image from JC Gellidon on UnSplash. |
Emerging as your true self after a lifelong gender struggle is often very difficult.
It starts very early in life when you discover you are in
the wrong place at the right time, or the right place at the wrong time.
Whatever the case, your struggle to find yourself begins. In my case I began
with explorations into my mom’s clothing which lasted until I could no longer
fit into any of her clothes. If you had suggested to me my final emergence into
the world would take as long as it did, I would not have believed you. It was a
long journey until I finally took the transition step to live as a full-time
transfeminine person at the age of sixty.
Some of you may ask why I waited so long or since I did, why
couldn’t I just wait for it a little longer into my senior years. On the other
hand, I felt if I did not do it then, I would never have the chance. So, I
pulled the plug on my old male life and emerged new as a transgender woman. It
was never easy, but I made it.
Others may ask why I never opted for any gender surgeries of
any sort. I did not because I was on the borderline to being able to present
well enough as a woman to get by and I did not have the insurance or the
finances to do it. Plus, I was superstitious about having any operations on my
body since to this day the only surgery I have ever done was getting my tonsils
taken out. I decided to set my gender dysphoria aside and work with what I had
or pass out of sheer willpower as a transgender woman friend once told me.
I can’t tell you how many times my willpower was challenged before
I made it to the point of emergence in the world. The seemingly endless times I
was sent home in tears when my cross-dressing plans went wrong. Fortunately, I
was stubborn and kept on moving towards my dream of possibly living fulltime as
a woman. I replaced my willpower with confidence since in most cases, I was following
my path in the most difficult way possible, without the help of any facial
feminization surgeries. For the most part, makeup art was my way around having
no expensive, painful operations until I could begin gender affirming hormones.
For me, the hormones worked miracles inside and out. Outwardly,
my skin softened along with my facial angles of manhood, and I could use less
makeup. Also, on the plus side, my hair grew quickly and fully since I inherited
no male pattern baldness which made wearing any sort of a wig a thing of the
past for me. What really changed was my overall view of the world. Suddenly, my
view softened as my senses heightened. I felt emotions such as I had never felt
before, and I learned how women complained they were always cold (except during
menopause) because I was in my second puberty and cold all the time.
During this time, emergence became a slippery slide for me.
The HRT hormones were quickly making it impossible to go back to my male life because
I did not want to. Why would I want to trade in all the work I put in to travel
my long gender path for anything? I finally gave up on all the resistance I
was putting into retaining any of a life as a male I never really wanted. The
only remaining reason turned out to be me losing all the white male privileges I
had worked so hard to gain. For that reason, I put off emerging and attempted
to briefly live a portion of my life in both binary genders. Something I would
strongly suggest not doing. For me, trying it wrecked my mental health and
nearly my life. My male side was hanging on and very materialistic while my
female side was discovering a magical life is the best way I can describe it.
Afterall, I could see my best-case dream life within reach.
Through it all, I think being approved by a doctor for
gender affirming hormones was the biggest moment of my emergence as a fulltime
transgender woman. With the help, I was able to carve out a new life and put
the old one aside. I was able to see a new world with the help of new friends who
never knew the old me. The essence of emergence when someone else could enjoy
the company of my new feminine self. HRT was just a kick start to make it to where
I wanted to be. I needed to take it from there and make my emergence complete.
