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Image from Caroline Veronez on UnSplash. |
Perhaps you remember looking into the mirror and seeing your true self peeking back at you for the first time. I know I do.
Ironically, I don’t think it was the time when I was looking
at myself after trying on my mom’s clothes and working with her makeup. I am
sure it was much later when I improved my makeup skills to progress from
looking like a clown in drag. Most certainly, I could not see the true me yet
but there was still hope that I still would. I had an ideal to work towards. My
ideal was I wanted to be a pretty girl and admire myself in the mirror. But
even still, I knew deep down I wanted more than just looking like a girl, I
wanted to be a girl, in the worst way.
My biggest problem was I did not know how to achieve my goal
of being much more than a part-time cross-dresser. I was still in the pre-information
stage on the internet dark ages and had very little idea there was anyone like
me who was questioning their gender. Even though, I finally did meet other
cross dressers or transgender women but still was coming away confused on who I
really was. It wasn’t until I gathered my courage and put my ego away to
undergo a professional makeover at one of the mixers I went to, did I finally
see the potential of who I was overcome my male self in the mirror. Better yet,
the make up professional was able to explain to me what he was doing as he did
it in a way I could understand and repeat the process.
As I began to enter the public’s harsh eyes, the pressure
was on to up my fashion and makeup game so I could blend in with the world as a
novice transgender woman. Increasingly, I was pushing my male image aside and
concentrating on my feminine look in the mirror. I was coming close to seeing
the true me for the first time in my life. Once I met her, I knew there could
be no turning back. I needed to step up my public game to meet my gender urges.
It turned out, the public did my work for me. As I established
myself as a regular in a few special venues I was going to, other women began
to approach me for friendly conversations. For most, it was nothing more than
idle curiosity about who I was and why I was there. Whatever the case, I needed
to develop a more complete personality quickly. No longer could I sit there by
myself and watch the world go by and enjoy myself as others were watching me. My
true self came out quickly and she was aided by my long dormant feminine self.
She had waited long enough for her turn to do more than survive, she wanted to
thrive. I was surprised at how well she thrived. She did not care others
knew she came about her femininity from a different route than she did. She
just knew she was finally there.
Since I don’t rely on any facial surgeries to help my look,
I am very much into what you see is what you get these days. I have had to rely
on makeup skill and the effects of gender affirming hormones to get me by in
the world. For the most part these days, I present as old more than anything else
but again, I needed to meet my true self. Finally, I could take denying reality
any longer and moved to accept my true self. The meeting was long overdue and
was so much fun, I was sad I put it off as long as I did.