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Image from Buddha Elemental 3D on UnSplash. |
My life has been a series of why not me moments.
As a boy growing up in Ohio, I always wanted to be a better
athlete, which turned out to be an impossible quest because there always seemed
to be a better athlete in my world to take my place. Then there was my attempt
to be more social in the world, but I was incredibly shy, and it was so difficult
to do. So, I ended up hiding at home, thinking someday I would grow out of my
shyness.
My greatest why not me moments came as I struggled with my
gender identity. It became so bad with me that when a stranger asked me what I
was going to be when I grew up, the only truthful answer I never gave was a
woman. I internalized my thoughts and somehow hoped they would go away. Which
of course, they never did. They just got worse because the main problem I had
was wondering if I could do it at all. Information was incredibly difficult to
come by in my sheltered male privileged world and for the most part I was lost,
and I continued the path I was on. Doing my best to live a male life
successfully, and at the same time, steal away moments of privacy to cross
dress in front of the mirror.
Often, much to my surprise, I was semi-successful at both. I
kept my increasingly gender fluid life in balance by improving my mirror image
away from drag clown to beginning girl, while at the same time, keeping the
bullies away from me by having an interest in sports and cars. I even went as
far as dating a few girls in high school where I ended up attending both my
junior and senior proms. Little did anyone know I wanted to be the one wearing
the pretty gown and getting the flowers. As with the rest of my life, I got
over it and moved on, no matter how difficult it was. Why not me was not
working, I was still stuck in my gender quicksand and there was no handsome
cowboy coming to help me out. Or strong woman as it turned out.
When I finally had had enough of being a gender victim, I
opened my closet door and looked around for the first time in my life. I knew I
needed to move past the once-a-year Halloween parties I was attending as my
novice transfeminine self and try more ways to get out into the world to see if
I could be successful or would my dream of life as a woman always must be a
dream. I was ever so cautious as I began by shopping in malls and bookstores which
turned out to be low impact areas for novice cross dressers or transgender
women. I went to places where my money was more important than my gender which
gave me the confidence to do more. More meant testing the public with new and
exciting ideas such as stopping at restaurants to eat to see if I had any push
back at all. I did not and moved on. Maybe, my why not me was coming true after
all.
Sadly, dreams being dreams are not so easy to achieve I
found out. Especially in the world of gender change. There was no way I could
gloss over all the nuances of being a true transgender woman would entail. Many
times, I ended up getting my new high heels stuck in more quicksand than I
could have imagined and was fortunate to have found my way out, which I have
written about in several blog posts. It occurred when I suffered the loss of
male security privilege. However, by this time, I was able to take the good
with the bad which was beginning to lessen, and I could see my dream being reality.
Which I had never thought possible.
For the first time in my life, I was beginning to live my why
not me moments. I was at the threshold of living the life I had always wanted.
Free from the male shackles which had tied me down. Sure, at times, it was unbelievably
confusing to do, but with the help of a few women friends I always mention, I
made it and was able to get out of the quicksand all together and rebuild my
life.
Today, I am a woman who happened to come from a different
background than most. But it was my dream to make it, and I did. As I said, I
never thought I could or would.
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