Trans Bucket List

 

Image from Pepe Nero on UnSplash.

On my way to achieving my version of transgender womanhood, I started my trans woman bucket list.

It all started on the fateful night when I decided to go out and mingle with a group of professional women as an equal. Not as a man cross dressed in their company to see if I could make it in their world. There was so much else at stake that evening because I knew if I was successful, I could never go back to just living my life as a man. 

Once I was successful, I began to think of  things I could accomplish as a trans woman to add to my bucket list. Once I was accepted as a regular in one venue, could I possibly add another to increase where I could go to add variety to my evenings. For the most part I was successful in being accepted. Even to the point of being thrust into a diverse small group of acquaintances I could regularly socialize with. The group included the sister of one of the bartenders, a lesbian, a couple men and an exotic dancer to name a few. All of this occurred before I met the transgender woman and two lesbians I socialized with on a regular basis.

Also on my bucket list at the time was how was I going to handle my sexuality with men. I almost found out when I became attracted to one of the men in the group. Or should I say he was becoming intrigued with me. All the way to him seeking me out on the nights when I was there all alone. I felt comfortable talking to him and even enjoyed his company before he switched jobs and abruptly moved away. It turned out there were very few men on my bucket list but even so, there were a couple which left a deep impression on me. 

Both of the men were met through social media dating sites and happened after I sorted through an amazing amount of trash responses. Because I was careful to meet any responders in a setting I approved of, we met in my regular venues I felt safe in. Both treated me with respect and I leaned a little of how it would be to interact with an interested man as a woman as I was wined and dined. It was terrifying and exciting at the same time. I still remember both dates and how special I felt but on the other hand, I never really lost my attraction to women. As impossible at it seemed to me at the time, I was headed towards being a transgender lesbian...if I could be accepted. 

I continued my quest for a new bucket list as I learned how to be a woman from other women. It seemed nightly I was learning new ideas such as I did not need a man to be validated in my new life. The lesbians I were around were both very strong and confident in their own right, so I could be also. 

Then, there was my relationship with my wife Liz which has been going on for over thirteen years now. I never though I would find another person who would be serious enough about me to want to build a relationship at my age. But I did and amazingly, Liz found me on a dating site defying all odds. 

Just when I thought I was done with my bucket, it became filled with happiness and I hope to keep it that way. 

Act Fast...Think Later

Image from VT on UnSplash.

Many times as I was traversing my very long and complicated gender journey, I ran into situations where I needed to act fast and think later. Or, wow, did I really do that?

Perhaps the most impressive example was when I had an ill-advised attempt at wearing water balloons as breast forms. While I loved the feel and bounce of the balloons, deep down I knew the danger I was facing. Someday, I would go too far trying for bigger breasts and one would explode in public. Of course I kept going with the balloons until the possible happened. I had an explosion of water in one of the venues I always went to. When it happened, I needed to act fast and head for the rest room. Fortunately, I made it and there was no other women in the room so I could enter a stall and clean up. Then I was able to make a quick exit from the venue and head home. I don't know what I would have said if anyone had noticed. Maybe I was pregnant and my water broke? 

After the water balloon disaster, I needed to think about what I would do for breast forms which were not as dangerous as water balloons. At the time, silicone breast forms were just becoming popular but were still out of my budget. What happened was a cross dresser acquaintance of mine went on a major purge of his feminine belongings and gifted many items to me. Including a set of breast forms. Since we were basically the same size, the new silicone breast forms worked well and were the proper size. And, most importantly, I didn't have to worry about disasters coming up.

Perhaps you have heard the term "muscle memory" which essentially means you keep repeating an action until it becomes second nature to you. In my earliest days of entering the world as a novice cross dresser or transgender woman, I spent many of my leisure hours attempting to learn how a woman moved and walked. When I did, I am sure I provided many a stranger with a humorous look at my male self trying to move like a woman. In fact, one night when I was in what I thought was a deserted box store, I caught myself being stared at by a guy who suddenly appeared out of nowhere. He was probably a plain clothes security person getting a kick out of seeing me practice. At any rate, I acted fast and left the store and thought later about where I would do my practices. 

Acquiring the basics to present well enough as a woman was difficult for me and required hours of effort and will power. Along the way, I experienced more situations of acting fast and thinking later than I can remember now. I do remember vividly the night when a lesbian friend of mine wanted me to approach another woman at a lesbian mixer we were attending and see if I could get her name. I acted fast and said yes, when in fact I was petrified of being the proverbial "wing person" for another woman. It didn't really matter anyhow because I never got a name. But later, in another venue I got even when I was kissed by another lesbian as my friend sat by herself. 

Maybe acting fast and thinking later just came with the territory of my transgender womanhood. I had always been an impulsive person and nothing really changed except for I had a whole new platform to work with. I think too, when I began keeping company with other women as a transgender woman, my instincts needed to change. I learned quickly how mean other women could be to each other and how difficult it was to watch for passive aggression. Early on, I needed to survive many passive aggressive encounters in the world with other women. 

It was all just a part of the learning process on my gender journey and one I had to face to make it to my dream.   

 

I Chose Me

 

Image from the JJ Hart archives.

In an extension of yesterday's post, I decided to explore how I chose my inner feminine soul over my forced male existence I was rebelling against.

Basically, the deciding factor came down to how natural I felt as I cross dressed in the very beginning of my gender path to freedom. Very early, I remember vividly how I so desperately wanted to be more than just a boy dressed as a girl in the mirror. I wanted to be the girl. Why did I have to put up with all the male problems I had so much a problem with. 

As I embarked down a very long path to having the courage to finally living as me, as I write about often, the longer I waited, the more baggage I needed to do away with. Often I was my own worst enemy when it came to having any success as a male as it seemed every male privilege I secured someday I would have to give it away. This extended to making any new friends. It was very difficult to be close to someone who may reject me when I set out to live a new life and let the old one go. 

At the many milestones I encountered on my gender path, deep down, I needed to choose me. Especially when I learned there would be more than one major transition I would have to take. My primary go to example was the momentous evening when I suddenly decided I was done with being a cross dresser. I wanted so much more. It was the night I went out to mingle with other professional women getting off work at a bar/restaurant by the mall I always went to. The whole process was basically a mental move, in that for the first time I was going out in my mind as a transgender woman trying to be the equal of any other woman I met. I wasn't a man at all.  It meant the world to me when I was successful and knew right then I could never go back on my journey. Somehow, someway, I just had to be me.

My main roadblock was my second wife who accepted me as a cross dresser but always drew the line at any suggestion of me being transgender. Especially when gender affirming hormones were brought up. She rightfully saw her man she married slipping away and wanted no part of it.

Unfortunately for both of us, I had gone too far to turn back on my dream of living as a transgender woman. I was following my path the best I could and did not want to go back. Choosing me, over the life I had was the most difficult decision I ever had to make. The pressure was on to make my choice and for the longest time, I tried my best to live a life in both the binary genders. Plus, it seemed when I thought I had life all figured out, more and more questions arose. Like what was I going to do about my sexuality was a big one. Was I going to pursue men or become a transgender lesbian. 

Once I made my decision, the rest was easy. The pressure was off and I was free to be the me I should have been all along. What a relief!

Engineering the Envioronment

 

Image 
JJ Hart.

As I transitioned into an increasingly feminine world, I faced many difficult issues.

I was keeping very busy with all the new sights and sounds I was facing. It was all so exciting while at the time, all so scary. Here I was trying to survive in a new gender world I so desperately wanted. Basically, with no training as I was only a very serious observer of the world of women and was never allowed behind the invisible gender curtain. 

I found out quite early I needed to engineer my own environment. Mostly, as I said, I was flying blind and needed all the help I could find. I was immersed in losing all my old male privilege's. I survived losing a good portion of my intelligence and learned how to be mansplained on many levels along with changing how I viewed my own personal security. Instead of thinking I was safe in unlighted dark spaces, I began to look for safer well lighted areas. All lessons cis-women learn at a young age. 

Once I learned I could basically dress to present properly with other women where I was going, I began to engineer more places to go to test my future into transgender womanhood.  Sometimes I was successful and other times I wasn't, mainly because I chose the wrong venue to go to. For example, bookstores were more gender friendly to me than redneck bar venues where single women rarely ventured anyhow. It took several hard earned lessons such as having the police called on me before I learned my lesson and stayed in more friendly environments . Again, experiencing what cis-women already knew. 

Ironically my journey took me to the spot some call the impostor syndrome. It occurred at all times and without notice. Such as during girl's nights out and other times when I was succeeding in living in an exciting new world. It was frustrating when the feeling slipped in which was telling me I should not be there at all. Ruining the good time I was having. 

The whole process forced me into pursuing and engineering whole new levels of my gender existence. Once I thought I had controlled everything I needed to learn to live my life as a transgender woman, something else arose to prove me wrong. Communication as a trans woman with the rest of the world who were primarily other curious women became a strong focus of mine. If I could communicate properly with other women, I had a leg to stand on to survive in my dream life, without it, I had nothing' and the time and effort I had previously put in would go for nothing. 

I was never an engineer in anything else I tried in life so all of this was new and different for me. I was also a bit of a quitter when it came to finishing a project. Completing my journey into transgender womanhood was easily the most difficult and extensive project I had ever contemplated finishing. All along the process just felt so exciting and natural, I had the best and worst times of my life as I kept on going until I reached my dream goal.

Finally, I learned the environment I was in could be trans friendly for me.  Hopefully, in the new world we are facing in the future, we can maintain it.

Into One Club and Out of Another

 

In the Women's Club. I am on the bottom row
to the left.

As I transitioned into transgender womanhood, I learned how quickly I could be pushed out of one gender club and make my way into another.

The first club I was quickly rejected from was the good old boys club which I was tired of anyhow. I quickly found many of the gender stereotypes were true. My primary example was and is when I am in a conversation with a man, I seemingly have lost a good portion of my intelligence. In many ways, I was expecting it because of the way I had seen many men around me in my life treat women. I wanted a change in the worst way.

Of course leaving one club and being accepted into another was not going to be the easiest thing I had ever done. As I set my course into the world of women, initially I was met with little resistance except for two key people in my life. Along with my second wife who hated the idea, of course my male self was dead against it also. He was the one who was getting kicked out of the club.

One of the first aspects of being accepted into the woman's club I learned was to look for the hidden knife behind the back trick. All of a sudden I was in the world of passive resistance. Some women did not like the way I looked or acted all the way to resented my presence in the club all together. Rather than tell me to my face, they worked behind my back to drive me away. I came away from the learning experience with many claw marks on my back. I considered it all as a initiation experience into a new exciting world where all I wanted to do was play in the girl's sandbox. What I never counted on was how complex the new world would be. I knew women were much more complex than men but slipping behind the gender curtain and living my dream proved it.

I fought hard to keep my dream from becoming a nightmare. First there was the problem with learning how to dress myself so I could stand a chance of blending in with the other women in the world. Then there was the problem with learning how to go with the flow, or practice moving like a woman and last but not least, there was the problem of learning to communicate with the world in my new club. The more I progressed with all of this, the more I did not want to be forced back into the male club because the pressure was constantly there. Going back meant leaving all the gender struggle behind me and regaining all the male privileges I had lost when I entered transgender womanhood. 

Somehow, I always managed to keep my dream alive and no matter how beneficial going back seemed to me at the time, maintaining my hard earned membership in my new club was more important to me. I had served my time in an unwanted male existence and had no desire to return. So I continued to spend time in my new club as a transgender woman and learn the benefits of living an authentic life. 

I never really missed the benefits of living in the male world.  Then I needed to set out on the complicated process of telling all of those who thought I was still in the male club, I was not and please listen to the reason why. Some people and family I was successful with and some I was not but none of it kept me from trying. My main goal now is to keep my membership in good standing in the transgender woman's club.

Fall Leaves

Image from Alisa Anton
on UnSplash. 

I write substantially how fall is my favorite season of the year. I love the cooler temperatures, wardrobe changes and how the trees change into their brilliant colors. All before the colors go away and drab winter sets in.

Long ago, I felt all the seasonal changes deep down to my inner soul. Of course as a novice transgender woman the wardrobe fashion changes were challenging and fun. I learned I needed to look ahead for the best clothing bargains if I was to be successful in locating all the fashion firsts in sizes that fit me. After a few seasonal changes, I began to feel so natural, I automatically felt the changes coming on. Fall was especially fun when it was time to go through all of my leggings, boots and sweaters to see what I would have to add or subtract to make it through another season.

Even though fashion changes were exciting and fun, other aspects of the season just brought about melancholy depression. I vividly remember the nights when I went out and just drove around in my car watching all the leaves blow around in the headlights. Here I was still stuck in a gender I did not want to have anything to do with and not seeing a way out. Very soon, the fun of fall would turn into the depression of winter for me. My final fall before leaving for Army basic training was especially bad because I knew for a fact I would not be able to do anything about my transgender desires for a very long three years of my life. It seemed so unfair my new life into transgender womanhood would have to be put on hold through no fault of my own. I was bitter. 

Little did I know, after waiting over two years out of three in the Army, karma would come back to help me. During my last year I learned of a Halloween party which was being planned by a hospital group which my friends and I were invited to. Immediately my mind jumped to the possibility of me dressing up as a woman and going. Of course the problem arose how was I going to do it because I did not want to go halfway. I wanted to be the sexiest dressed woman at the party. Fortunately, I had access to an apartment where I could finally shave my legs and put on makeup with a wig I managed to buy at a downtown Stuttgart, Germany shop where I was stationed. Through it all, I knew I was risking harassment or worse by my superiors in the Army if the word got out about my so called "costume" which may have been a little too good. But nothing ever happened.

In fact, because of the Halloween party, my life changed nearly full circle that fall. A couple of days after the party, when my closest friends gathered once again over potent, tasty German beer I blurted out the costume I wore was more than a casual fun idea I came up with on the spur of the moment. I was a transvestite as we were known back in those days and I enjoyed wearing women's clothes, makeup and wigs. I knew at the time, again I would be risking what was left of the time I had left in the Army if what I said found it's way into the wrong hands. It did not matter at the time as the first time I left my gender closet felt so good. So good, I tried to come out to my Mom who promptly slammed me back into my closet. 

All of this happened during the fall which still remains my favorite season of the year. As a  transgender woman, I appreciate the re-birth of spring but summer is too hot and winter is too long and drab. It's why fall leaves are so important to me.  

Connections through Isolation?

 

My wife Liz on left
from the JJ Hart Archives

When I finally began to be successful in my femininized public pursuits away from the mirror, I was content to be alone in the world.

By being alone, I didn't have to face any communication problems with anyone else I faced. Essentially, I just passed through their world quickly and was gone. I did not want to know them better and have to challenge myself into interactions with strangers. Ironically, my idea did not last long as I was increasingly thrust into public interactions as a transgender woman I did not want. In the beginning, I just was not ready to look another person in the eye and risk ridicule.

I learned quickly, my public interactions would be overwhelmingly with other women. Initially, I interacted with clerks in clothing stores who were mainly interested in helping me with my money, except for the few who wanted to help me with my fashion. It did not take me long to realize what was going on and then move on. 

I began to stop and eat lunch to extend my shopping trips which meant ordering from a menu with a server and/or bartender. I found sitting at the bar made for a more personal experience unless the staff was very busy with other patrons and I could try out speaking with others as a trans woman. Very soon out of forced habit, I found myself relaxing more and even enjoying the experience. It was like I was completing a long lost part of my new personality as I left the mirror and entered the world. It was a challenge and I grew to love it. I discovered also many more women than men wanted to know more about me. Women were curious while men were scared of me it seemed and I loved it. 

Along the way, when I first began to communicate I tried to mimic the voices I was hearing from other women and try to repeat doing it until I thought I was doing it right. I even took voice lessons for awhile to improve my vocal presentation for my transgender womanhood.

Still, after my second wife passed away, I was extremely lonely. Not only was I facing finding another person I loved at the age of sixty, I also had the added pressure of doing it as my new version of my authentic feminine self. I was prepared to spend the rest of my life by myself. Little did I know I would not have to. Initially, when I went out to supposedly socialize and find new friends, I was going out to be by myself. If my gender was never challenged I would have taken the easy way out and would simply go back home to my two dogs. 

If it wasn't for a bartender at one of the venues I had become a regular in, I would have remained in the social rut I was in. One night not long after I arrived, she served me my first drink and quickly asked me if I would be interested in meeting her single lesbian mother. Of course I said yes, and a friendship  started that has continued over ten years till today. She is the woman who took me to the NFL Monday Night Football game. A very scary experience which cemented my arrival as a full-fledged transgender woman in the world. But that wasn't all that happened at my favorite venue. Another night, as I sat alone to be by myself, another woman came in to pick up her to-go order. While she was waiting, she slipped a note down the bar to me asking if I was interested in having a drink sometime. I said yes and the three of us ended up having a great time the next couple of years as we watched sports, drank too much and had fun at lesbian mixers. My two new friends ushered me into a world I never thought I could go.

Against all predictions, my connections through isolation worked very well for me. My new friends which included my wife Liz who also identifies as a lesbian, all helped me into my own important version of transgender womanhood. Destiny was certainly helping me during this period of my life.  

Seraching for Me

Image from Selcuk S
On UnSplash.

Ironically, during my life I have spent too much time searching for who the true me was.

Naturally, I am referring to finding the springboard I needed to determine which gender I was. When I was younger, I made the habit of waking up in the morning wondering if I was a boy or a girl. I was very gender fluid for years before I decided which gender direction was the correct one for me. The problem was I needed to put on my gender blinders and attack the world daily as a male. Something I never wanted to do.

It turned out the springboard I needed to find out the me I was looking for was still a long way in coming. I still needed to cross or follow many paths before I found me. More precisely, I had parenthood come into my life as well as many challenges such as military service, marriages and just life in many ways. I was constantly searching for my gender by going out and exploring the world to find out if I could ever achieve my dream of transgender womanhood. The journey was so difficult when I experienced negative feedback From stares and giggles, all the way to people singling me out for pictures, I did it all before I made a better effort to blend in with the rest of the world.

All in all, I found just being me was going to be much more complicated than I ever thought possible. It all started for me in the days when I always thought the grass was always going to be greener for me on the feminine side of the border. I discovered, even though my trip across the border was terrifying at times, on the other hand I felt so good and natural, I knew there could and would be no turning back. No matter how easy it would have been. At times, I was even a bit jealous of men who had never experienced any gender issues and were able to live out their lives enjoying male privileges. It all just was not in the cards for me during my life.

Just me, turned out to be so much more. I am a parent, a grandparent and a spouse to a supporting wife. In other words, I am so fortunate to be surrounded by people who care for me. Plus during my life I have been able to take an in-depth dive into how both main binary genders operate. What really breaks my heart is when one of the bigoted transphobic political commercials comes on with all it's lies. I want to tell the haters that even though I am a transgender woman, I have a life not so different from theirs. I am just busy being me.

Perhaps the problem is, since my life turned out to be more complex than the so-called norm, so people don't want to understand or care. 

By this time in my life, I have learned being just me will have to be good enough. I have worked too long and hard to give it up now. From having a gender fluid lonely youth to finding my true self in trans womanhood, I think I have been fortunate to end up where I am. Plus, I will continue to advocate for all transgender women or trans men such as my transgender grandchild with their whole life ahead. There is so much to do. Maybe I can just be a positive example to another novice transgender person still living firmly in their closet. Who knows? Maybe you can be next to escape and live as your authentic self.

Halloween and Gender Breakthroughs

Halloween
Image from
the JJ Hart
Archives. 

Back again we go to Halloween and the effects it had on me as I developed into a novice transgender woman.

Very early on I learned when I cross dressed head to toe as a woman for a Halloween party, I would be cut out of the male club and my male friends would ignore me. Very early signs of losing any male privilege I had built up over the years. On the other hand, I was not ignored by many of the other women I knew from before who took the time to comment on my shaved legs and "costume." Both were small but definite signs of what I would face in the future if and when I decided to enter the public as a transgender woman. 

Over the years, my tastes in Halloween "costumes" changed from just wanting to be slutty, all the way to trying to present myself as a cis-woman would at a party. Plus I needed to overcome any fears I had of going to the party as a woman and mostly giving up on having a traditional good time partying with friends I had known for years. Again, just a small dose of what it would be like to cut all ties with my old male life and start all over. 

Everything began to change when my "costumes" began to evolve. One party in particular stands out in my mind. It happened when my second wife and I were living in the metro New York City area and I was managing a food location. It just so happened I was invited by one of my assistant female managers to go with her and several of her friends to a Halloween party they were going to. Without hesitation I said yes and wondered how I was going to explain it away to my wife. She never was into Halloween much and turned out she did not much care so I set out to put together an outfit for the evening. I decided to go semi-sexy (or try to) and chose my short mini dress, heels and dark wig for the evening. Off I went into the great unknown of not knowing where I was going and with whom.

It turned out, where I ended up first of all was at the house of my manager and to my pleasant surprise I learned all of her friends who were going were all tall attractive women dressed approximately the same as I was. As I walked into the room where they all were waiting, you could have heard a pin drop as they all looked me over from head to toe. Once they realized who I was, off we went to the real party which was being held at a small bar near to her house. The first thing I thought of was how far was I going to have to walk in my heels but the distance was not too bad and I was on my own cloud nine. I mean, here I was with three other women my height dressed the same way headed for a party. I was scared but excited by the time we arrived at the venue. Once I got to the bar and had a drink or two I started to calm down and learned another couple of gender break throughs. 

The evening turned out to be my first ever girl's night out because I was able to blend in so well with the other women I was with and I learned the power of being able to blend in with the feminine world. The second big breakthrough I learned was how to handle being approached by a man who perhaps did not know he was talking to a transgender woman. I was even asked to dance by one man. Finally, I learned single women of a certain age have a tendency to mark out their own territory when it comes to attracting male companionship. Once we all arrived in the venue, I was left very much on my own. 

I did not know it then, but all of the gender lessons I learned would come back to help me later in life. So much more than an empty comment about how good my shaved legs looked. As my second wife kept trying to tell me, I hadn't paid my dues yet to be considered a good feminine person. Trans or not.   

Transgender Instincts

Image from Atich Bana 
on Unspalsh. 

 First, I need to apologize for missing a post yesterday. I went to my primary provider at the local Veterans Administration clinic for my semi-annual checkup. While  I was there, I was able to receive my flu and Covid vaccines at the same time I was having my blood labs completed. By the time I had stopped and picked up lunch on the way home, I was pretty much ready for a nap and just laid down. By the time I woke up, I had ran out of time to do a post at all.

The visit itself was very mundane and I did not receive any negative responses at all and was never called "Sir." So I chalked it up to a win. In the past I wasn't so lucky and thought about reporting a couple people there for their transphobic behavior. For whatever reason, things have changed for the better. 

Now, onto instincts we have to develop as transgender women or trans men in order to survive in an often hostile world. Especially true for trans women. It seems we have to be on point at all times with our appearance just to get by and appearance is only the beginning. We need to move smoothly like a woman and learn to communicate one on one with mainly the other women we meet. I know I was petrified when I first was trying out the world as a transgender woman. Then, on a totally heightened level were the aspects of conquering and feeling comfortable in women's only spaces such as rest rooms. Which always is a topic for another blog post. Except when it came to the times when I was stuck in line at a restroom  and needed to make polite conversation with other women. 

These days, having your instincts about you as a woman, trans or not, is more important than ever before.  Depending on where you live, outspoken gender bigots have made our business their business. Plus as we transition into the feminine gender world, we need to be careful when it comes to our personal safety. In particular ignoring dark, deserted places such as sidewalks and parking lots. In particular, all things cis-women learn from a young age. Of course, I needed to find out the hard way about my own safety issues and was lucky I did not find myself in more serious harm than I did.

Sometimes, I feel interacting with the world as a transgender woman has meant developing a sixth sense. For me, my hearing improved as I strained to hear what someone else may be saying about me behind my back. From then on it is my decision on what do next. Recently, I have decided to stare the person down and even challenge them. I have spent too many years living to do anything else. 

Our instincts are powerful basics in our lives and changing genders brings a huge challenge. We have to start all over and learn our lives again. Being transgender women or trans men just brings a bigger challenge. On the other hand, learning to play in the other genders sandbox presents a unique challenge in life which very few humans will ever realize. 

Hopefully, we all can make the best of it and go though a safe and stable gender transition. 

Finding your Happy Place as a Trans Girl

Image from Trans Outreach, JJ Hart

As I negotiated my way through the gender wilderness I was in, I needed to reach out at times to find moments of gender euphoria or happiness. 

As I have written about in the past, happiness was a learned trait which was difficult to come by in my family. Being good was not good enough, there was always time to be better. Little did I know, I was seeking to enter a world where being better than the average cis-woman was not going to cut it. Being better meant survival. 

As similar to most of you transgender women and/or cross dressers, I started out innocently enough as I raided my Mom's clothes and tried to admire myself in the mirror before my family came home. The whole process worked well for awhile until I grew restless and wanted to increasingly explore the world as my femininized self. Sadly, most all of this occurred when I approached puberty and all the unwanted male changes to my body began to happen. Very soon, I found wearing any of Mom's clothes was impossible as I gained unwanted hair, bulk and angles I hated but were stuck with. It was the infamous testosterone poisoning setting in which I battle to this day.

Rather than be unhappy, the mirror and my mind helped me to battle my way through severe bouts of gender dysphoria. I worked hard on acquiring the proper clothes and makeup I would need on a very limited budget. Of course with no guidance, I experienced many disasters on my journey before I settled in on an appearance which could get me by in the public's eye. I needed to disguise all my testosterone poisoning. Still, I persisted without much help and slowly learned the art of makeup which finally I did get some assistance with. At one of the cross dresser - transgender mixers I went to, I put my ego away and sought help from one of the professional makeup artists they had giving free advice. In language even I could understand, the guy doing my makeup guided me through a truly amazing transformation. Even I thought I looked so good I was happy with the results. 

Even still, the transformation was fleeting and all too soon, I needed to go back to my boring unwanted male life and the happiness I felt went with it. Leaving me in a state of depression. I did not realize having a feminine appearance was only the beginning and achieving any standard of looks went only to the upper levels of feminine achievement for me. Beauty was fleeting and very skin deep for me as I continued on my gender journey. I was told several times by my second wife I made a terrible woman and in no way was she talking about my appearance. She was right and it took me years to put my male ego behind me and learn what she truly meant. 

I also had a close transgender friend who told me one time I passed out of sheer willpower. Which I took as a backward compliment. Meaning I was going to engage the public and do my best to be happy even though I was not the most attractive woman in the room. When I did, I made a huge step forward towards becoming my authentic self. It was not until then did I begin to gain new friends and become happier. 

Sadly, my second wife passed away before she ever had the opportunity to meet the new improved me but I did have several friends who did. Their main comment was how much more happier I had become. I guess I never realized how much my gender issues had shown through to others in my male life. 

When I reached this point, I knew my family and upbringing was wrong. I could be happy in life and appreciate it. Along the way, I learned the truth that all the money and beauty in the world could not buy me happiness. I spent way too long living in the mirror to keep doing it. The friends and wife I made when I put my male self behind me proved happiness was not impossible for me. 

Hitting the Transgender Wall

 

Image from Selin 
on UnSplash

There were so many times during my journey to finding my authentic self that I hit a wall or two or more. 

The easy walls came when I was younger and was trying to find makeup and wardrobe items to admire myself in the mirror. During that time and into the future, finances were a major set back. As much as I admired the pretty clothes the girls around me were wearing, I just did not have the money to afford any of them. There was no way I could go to my parents and ask for a pretty dress for my birthday or Christmas. Plus, I was stuck at a major point of my overall femininized image when it came to my hair. In those days, I was stuck with very short hair cuts such as burr or crew cuts and there was no way I could afford a wig. A major wall, to be sure as I think having the first wig I cherished did not come around until my college years in the late 1960's till the early 1970's when my military days took over. Of course I was against the wall again when my hair needed to be kept very short.

After I had served my time in the Army, I was able to secure the finances to afford a more update feminine wardrobe and my walls began to take on a more mental aspect with me. The more I was able to sneak out of the house and into the public, the more I knew I had little or no knowledge of where I wanted to go as a novice transgender woman. It seemed everything was being thrown at me at once and my mental health crumbled after I was hitting many walls at once. My male life was becoming more and more demanding as I became successful at my job and I discovered the more I explored the female world, the more I liked it. 

Even so, climbing the feminine walls were difficult. It seemed everytime I mastered one aspect of being a transgender woman such as walking, I would catch my heel in the crack of a sidewalk and ruin my whole day. As I continued along my bumpy gender path, I found mishaps with walking in heels were indeed minor in the scope of my transgender life. On the horizon loomed much more serious walls such as communication with the public and with women in particular. Overwhelmingly, men ignored me and women were curious about what I was doing in their world, I discovered quite quickly I was interacting with more women than I had ever done as a guy which was scary in many ways, including what would I say and how would I say it. 

I wondered what had I done when I was forced to actually talk the talk of the person I had become. I resorted to what had worked for me in the past as I had encountered tough trans walls to climb. I basically tried to shut my mouth and observe what was going around me. It worked to an extent until people (women) began to warm up to the new person I had become. I even was giving other women advice on how to understand their boyfriends or spouses. 

Anyway you cut it, I guess for me, gender affirming hormones created the last major wall for me to climb. At the time, I was doing my best to appear as a woman and communicate as one to the world. Beginning the hormones in many ways was a selfish move because I did it for myself. When I did, instead of more walls crashing down, they melted. HRT, when I was approved for it was a magic potent stimulant my body had been craving for years. Very quickly, I knew I had made the right move as I was able to tear the final walls down and make my way into fulltime transgender womanhood. 

Surely, I was bruised and battered by hitting all the transgender walls I needed to scale to live the life I wanted but I made it. When I look back on all the terrifying yet exciting steps I took to get to where I am mow, I wonder how I made it. First there was my appearance and battling testosterone poisoning then overcoming the problems of male behavior which also effected my life that all made for a rough journey. Surely there were too many walls to count.   

Happlily Ever After?

 

Image from Dave 
Goudreau on
UnSplash. 

When it comes to transgender women and trans men, is there ever a happy ending?

As we examine our lives , again and again, we inevitably encounter many pains as we make the transition from one gender to another. Most of us (including me) go through a period of time when we consider ourselves to be cross dressers or transvestites. We were in our own state of limbo, not knowing where we were going. I am amazed when anyone in the outside world thinks our life was so much easier and we were wearing the clothes of the opposite sex as some sort of a lark.

The fact remains, amidst the brief moments of gender euphoria in front of the mirror, we never actually had a choice when it came to our gender issues. In the case of many people such as me, my journey was very lonely and singular and I wondered if I could ever live happily ever after as a transgender woman. It seemed like the impossible dream and if I could ever arrive there, perhaps I could finally become happy. But happiness for me had always been fleeting. Probably because I had never seen much of happy in my family growing up. We were taught anything we did was never good enough. It carried over into my life as a novice transgender woman. 

No matter how attractive I thought I was, there always had to be more. I needed to be better as a trans woman. It turned out I did need to be better to survive in a new feminine world but getting there was a challenge when I went too far, too fast in the wrong direction. Primarily when I went over board in how I was dressing myself way too slutty and attracting the wrong attention to myself. It wasn't the type of validation I was seeking. It took me awhile to realize I could not make it to any semblance of happiness on the path I was on. 

I learned I never would have a chance to be happy in transgender womanhood, unless I began to change my ways and began to dress to blend in with the world. Once I did, I learned I had a whole new set of challenges I needed to face to be happy. Similar to many of you, I faced spousal issues as well as job, family and friends. I always considered changing my gender was a difficult task to take but I never knew all the nuances of making the change I would have to take. Being a woman, trans or not, was a very layered process and I would ever be happy if and when I ever arrived at my goal of living fulltime as my authentic self. 

Then there were the gender affirming hormones I decided to pursue. Before I could begin the meds, I needed permission from a doctor and a therapist to begin. Adding to the importance of the move but once I started the hormones, I knew I was in the right place and I would not turn back to my old unwanted male life.

Even with the HRT, happiness was still fleeting as I faced a wonderful new world. Most likely because there were still instances of public setbacks I still had to negotiate, which included times when my mind was playing gender tricks on me. I was still influenced by sixty years of living a male life and being conditioned to never be happy.

Now, at the age o seventy five, I know I certainly have fewer years ahead than behind me. Now I have to make a concerted effort to be happy. If I don't, it will be too late.

Intimidating Women

Library of Congress 
image from 
UnSplash.

During my life, surprisingly so, I have encountered many intimating cis-women. 

Probably the most intimidating of all was my Mom, a dynamo at a mere five foot two inches tall.  From early as I can remember, we clashed on many different issues probably because we were so much alike. On the girl side, I was fascinated from a young age when I watched her skill with makeup and hair. I could only dream of ever duplicating her prowess. Of course I would never get the chance for her to ever see the fashion skills I finally developed as the daughter she thought she never had. 

As I grew up, my intimidation of girls of all kinds increased. I was so jealous of their ability to dress in pretty clothes and wear makeup continued. In addition, I was so shy, I was afraid to communicate with girls at all. So my problems continued to get worse. I never had the chance to circle back to where I began. All the time I was cross dressing in front of the mirror, it was a very solitary, lonely experience as I craved the peer feedback other girls my age had to work with. 

The older I became, the more I admired women who were stronger and spoke their minds. You might say I was intimidated in the most positive ways by strong women. I was even attracted to them to the point I chose one for my second wife who I was married to for twenty five years. Even though she knew I was a cross dresser from the very beginning, somehow I secretly thought she would help me with my on-going quest to be a feminine person. She never really did help me much and very much resisted any ideas I had I was a transgender woman. 

Perhaps I am attracted to strong successful women because I wish I was one. I so admired the women managers I worked with because of all the extra skills they had to use to be successful. Most if not all of them had families to support at the same time they worked a full-time job. I was in the restaurant business and some of my best kitchen managers were women who dealt with macho kitchen crews. 

Being a transgender woman, I think sometimes I intimidate other women. Sometimes they seem to melt with kindness such as the hostess last week when my wife Liz and I went out for my birthday dinner. She was beside herself to make sure we were satisfied with our experience. As I can remember, intimidation on my part of a guy was when I was shopping at a grocery store years ago for the families groceries. In those days, a fashionable woman who had the legs wore an oversize sweater with flats and a mini -skirt, so I did on that day. As I chose our food, I tried to contain my fear in checking out, I found I was wrong.  As it turned out, the store was nearly empty and only had one check-out lane open with a woman cashier and a male bagger. 

It turned out, I really intimidated the bagger, he blushed and stuttered when he asked me if I needed help taking my bags to my car. I looked at the cashier and him when I said I didn't and she gave me a slight knowing smile. I wondered then, if she knew I was transgender at the time or not. Regardless, it was quite the experience. 

It wasn't until I transitioned into a feminine world as a trans woman did I fully understand all the nuances of what it takes to be an intimidating woman. For example, some women use their heels to begin the process. Heels give a shorter woman a height advantage to be able to compete with the men in their world. Plus, these days, more and more young women are becoming educated to give themselves an extra advantage in the world. 

It turns out, in my life, intimidating women are becoming the norm as the future is female. 

 

Becoming Me

Image from the 
JJ Hart
Archives. 

As I bridged the gender gaps in my life to survive, I did what I perceived to be cross dressing as a woman in my family's mirror. 

Slowly I began to learn the makeup and fashion tricks the girls around me used to look their best. At times it seemed I was attempting the impossible as puberty set in and my body began to go through many unwanted male changes. Like it or not, I was stuck with testosterone poisoning and I would somehow have to get use to living with it. I was becoming a me which was very much unwanted. 

As I got by in life, I learned to camouflage my broad shoulders, and torso (among other negatives) and try to emphasize my positives, even if I needed to do it with feminine style padding in all the right areas. Since I was told I had good legs at the Halloween parties I went to, naturally I tried to emphasize my legs when I dressed. 

Sadly it took me many years to learn the truth about myself. Yes, it was true I was a cross dresser but not the way I always thought I was. In no way was I a male cross dressing as a female, all along I was a woman cross dressing as a man. Once I arrived at that point in my life, suddenly everything began to be so much clearer. I just wish I could have come to the realization so much earlier than I did. I always use the excuse to myself the world itself held me back in the pre-internet years before very little was being published or researched about gender issues. In fact, I still remember in my youth the news stories about the police rounding up and arresting men dressed as women. How could that be? 

Still I persisted and remember vividly the night I dressed up in a mini skirt, panty hose, heels wig and makeup and headed to a nearby gay bar when my wife was away. I was so scared and once I got there and was admitted through a locked door, I only had one drink and left before I even relaxed and I never had the opportunity to go back before the owner died and it closed. Even still, my adventure that night helped me to become the transgender person I wanted to be. At that point, the problem still was, I did not totally know who I was, or face up to her yet. But I was diligently working on the problem by researching my feminine life. 

To do the research, I needed to risk everything and leave the safe surroundings of the mirror and enter the world. I started with going to more gay venues and becoming quickly disillusioned when they all thought of me as a drag queen. Lesbian bars were better but I did not find true acceptance until I became brave enough to go to straight places. There I could watch my sports, drink my beer and become accepted as a regular fairly quickly by the staff. I minded my own business, tried to be friendly and tipped well and was in. Even though I knew they knew I was transgender. it did not matter and along the way I think it even helped me. One way or another, I was taking giant steps towards being me and I knew there was no way I could ever go back.

Perhaps the biggest step I ever took on the gender path to being me was when I started on gender affirming hormones. After being approved by a doctor, the changes occurred quickly.. In addition to the external changes such as breasts, hair and skin, I experienced internal changes also. My emotions changed as well as my whole life just softened. The entire time of gender adjustment was one of the most magical times of my life. 

Overall, the discovery of who I really was as a transgender woman was a terrifying yet exciting journey. One I don't regret taking, once I faced up to her, I was so much happier.   

Building a Dream

Image from Moreno Matkovic
on UnSplash

 Similar to many of you ,my journey to building a dream took me many years.

As I am fond of saying, over a half a century of construction. A long time when you think about it. At first the steps were obscure and very shadowy as I snuck behind my family's attention to cross dress in front of the mirror. I did not know much about what I was doing, or the tools to do it so I looked as if I was clownish, most of the time. As luck would have it, the mirror often lied to me and gender euphoria set in, before I even knew what it was and what it meant. All I really knew was how at night when I slept, I dreamed of being a girl and was sad when I woke up and needed to face the same old male world.   When I was able to escape into my feminine world, I felt so natural and exhilarated, I just couldn't stand to go back.

The years flew by and I was able to learn more and more about the femininization process I was facing. At the same time, small glimpses of what if slipped into my mind. Or, what if, someday I could make living as a woman trans or not part of my reality. As I did, the reality of building a transgender dream became increasingly difficult. Partially because, at the same time, my male life was becoming increasingly successful and it became  harder and harder to give up what I had built. Still I moved ahead as the feminine forces within me were so powerful.

Since it is coming close to the Halloween season around here, I would be remiss if I did not mention how going to Halloween parties dressed as a woman did not help me build my dream of perhaps being a full time woman some day. Back in those days, the term transgender was still in it's infancy and I did not know how it fit me. All I knew was, I worried and stressed for months ahead of Halloween about what my "costume" would be. Predictably my outfits started out slutty and evolved into going to parties dressed as business professional to see how many people would notice I was a guy at all. Overall, I had several meaningful experiences at Halloween which provided quality building blocks I could use when I seriously began to enter the world as my authentic self. As promised, I will write more about them as Halloween comes closer.

In the meantime, I was having more and more opportunities to learn I was so much more than a man who wanted to look like a woman. I even received a  comment from "Paula" across the pond in the UK concerning a blog post I wrote on the subject:

"I often think that the moment of realization that you are a trans woman rather than a cross dressing man is the Biggy! After I accepted who I am everything else that followed was just a natural consequence of that initial revelation. After I had accepted that I was in fact a woman it was perfectly logical that I would want the world to experience me as such, so I went full time. As I wanted to experience the fullness (as much as possible) of life as a woman it was perfectly natural to get medical help, leading first to hormones and then surgery. All of those decisions were the natural consequences of that first understanding that this is who I am not something I do."

Thanks to Paula and all of who comment! I could not have put it better. 

As it was, I kept on building until I formed a solid foundation to finally achieve my dream. It was never easy but on the other hand, building something worthwhile never is.  All the lonely nights I spent going out just to be alone come to mind as well as the occasions I was shunned or even laughed at. At that point my dream seemed to be so far away. Deep down I knew I was doing the right thing and kept on building. It turned out happiness was just a build away. 

Man, I Feel Like a Woman

Shania Twain

 Maybe you saw country star "Shania Twain" as she hosted the 2024 People's Choice Country Awards. 

If you did, you probably remember when she sang the iconic song "Man I feel Like a Woman.". The song meant quite a bit to me for a number of reasons. The main one of course was I did feel like a woman, not to mention I would have given anything to have her appearance. 

The song was popular during the time I started to find and patronize two small lesbian bars near where I lived. One was a very rigid lesbian biker bar and the other was a much more mellow atmosphere where I happened to know one of the bartenders as my male self. Even though I was begrudgingly served in the biker bar, I always sought to poke the bear. I discovered the easiest way to do it was to play Twain's song on the juke box. For some reason, the owner and other patrons resented me even playing it. I found it to be great fun until I came in one night and the music machine was completely turned off. From that point forward, I took the pressure off  and just started to go to the other small lesbian bar where I was welcome.

In the other bar, I was able to learn many of the nuances of the lesbian community and figure out where I fit in, if at all. In my jeans, boots and makeup I discovered I was closer to being a femme or lipstick lesbian and found I drew the attention of the very serious bull or butch lesbians. I even was heavily induced into singing karaoke by a huge woman in a cowboy hat. Since I am a terrible singer, I tried to let her take the lead and I quickly left the bar shortly after singing. The only thing I heard her say was my voice was lower than hers. I never saw her again.

On the other hand, a super butch who was on his way to becoming a full fledged transgender man just happened to be my first dinner date with a guy. He later told me how scared I was,  he was right. 

Through it all, I still did feel like a woman and did appreciate the acceptance I gained from the lesbian community. I never had to try to adjust my sexuality and was validated as my new emerging self without needing a man and all the potential problems which came with it. On the other hand, there were a few men I did feel a connection with just enough to wonder how the other half lived. At the least I knew I would not have to operate on the gender fringes forever if I had to. 

Needless to say, I will never achieve the appearance standards of a Shania Twain but most other women (trans or not) will not either. Plus my womanhood was achieved in a different way than most cis-women. None of it was my fault and I did the best I could with what I had to work with. And, in the end result, I do feel like a woman.  

  

Complacency

 

Summer Image with padding.
JJ Hart

As I did my best to transition from male to female there were many times I experienced moments of complacency.

It happened slowly enough as I kept throwing lifelines to myself so I could survive a life burdened with gender dysphoria. To add insult to injury, I was not gifted with feminine external attributes to help me along as I initially tried to make it in the world as my authentic inner self. Disguising my testosterone poisoned body was a total learning experience. Angles needed to be changed into curves using everything from pads to balloons to foam. Anything it took to perfect my image and avoid complacency. 

The main problem I had was I could not avoid all the years I had lived as a man. The male trip was never easy for me to learn and even a more difficult time to forget. I had survived and even flourished and now I was trying to give it all up and for what. To live as a woman which became an all encompassing goal. I would practice the best I could walking and moving as a feminine person. Even to the point of being called "Ma'am" when I was at work as a man. I figured it was because I projecting a feminine "aura" to the world and resolved to add the idea to my accessories when I was out in the world as a novice cross dresser or transgender woman. 

I started to project very strongly that I was a woman to any stranger I was interacting with. Along with looking them in the eye, I was able to be accepted for the first time as the person I wanted to be but I still had to guard in not letting up my guard and not slipping back into any of my old male ways. Just one time walking like a linebacker or not paying any attention to my new feminine communication skills could essentially ruin my whole day. It did not matter how much time, effort or money I put into my appearance, if I forgot who I was, nothing mattered. For years, my entire existence was still so fragile until I put in the years and work to tip my gender balance.

I can't say, even today I don't experience moments of complacency. It is easy when the cis-women my age and younger are for the most part very casual in their appearance. Ironically, when I see a woman in heels and hose in the grocery store dressed to the nines, my "trans-dar" goes up and I want to take a closer look. Perhaps the person could be part of the transgender or cross dresser sisterhood. 

Through it all, complacency or not I have never forgotten how the differences in female fashion is and was one of the fun parts of transitioning. No longer was I confined by the drab and boring male fashions. I had forever admired how the woman around me had the freedom to express themselves through fashion and now I could also.

On another topic, I attended two other LBGTQ support group virtual meetings recently. The groups moderator is a trans man and does a good job of keeping everyone involved. The group is very diverse and I was surprised to see a couple of the transgender participants seemingly have partially de-transitioned over the years. Plus I learned the Veterans Administration has finally approved electrologist visits under their care and my mammogram was approved after four tries. The main problem was the hospital I wanted it done at still had an old chart on me with my dead name so getting a new one was the problem. The VA needed to approve the process and did so my dead name information has been changed on yet another document. Progress is progress I guess.

At least I was not being complacent and stayed the course until I saw results.

Feeling the Pain

 

Image from Eugenia 
Maximova 
on UnSplash.

Learning on the fly all I needed to know concerning my authentic life as a transgender woman often resulted in pain.

The pain, early on mainly materialized when I rushed the process of going out in public as a novice transgender woman or cross dresser. Many times I was reduced to tears following being stared at or even laughed at when I was simply out walking around. I felt the pain for years until I finally realized I was the problem and sought out the reasons why. The main reason was (as I always mention) my male ego was dictating my femininized fashion sense. He was thinking attempting to dress sexy would somehow validate myself as a woman. Of course, it didn't and just made me look ridiculous. On the other hand, when I dressed to blend in with other women, they validated me as a woman.

My frustration and pain increased until I became fed up with the entire process and changed it. My thrift shopping adventures began to change to reflect my new fashion sense. I was held back in many ways by my budget and knowledge of what fashion I was trying to buy. Sizing was an example, as I struggled to find what looked best on my testosterone poisoned body. I did not have the benefit of having any feminine characteristics to begin my journey so trial and lots of error is what I went through. Every time I learned a fashion choice I made  just would not work, I felt the pain return again.

My situation improved when my overall confidence improved to a point where I was able to use the women's changing rooms. When I could afford to go to a mall clothing store, I always checked with a clerk first to see if I was to be accepted so as not to feel the sting and embarrassment later. In the thrift stores I went to, the changing  rooms were not monitored anyhow, so I never had to ask. As I said, when I had the opportunity to try on clothes ahead of time, my improvement rate went way up and my fashion pain way down.

After conquering most of my fashion pain, next up came my paranoia over communicating as a transgender woman in the world. Of course I quickly discovered I had no idea of how women communicate between themselves. I found myself on several different levels when I dealt with the world. Once I figured out I was not "fooling" anyone else and just resorted to being myself, my life improved. One level of woman just did not care and basically ignored me while another level was curious and wondered what I was doing in their world. Overall, I was learning on the fly and had my share of pain such as the one transphobic woman I encountered at a party Liz and I attended many years ago. She was actively harassing me about what my dead name was. She was so evil, the experience still causes me pain to this day.

Overall though, when I compare my transgender journey to others I read about, I suppose I have had it lucky. Even though I had suffered a lifetime's worth of pain when I lost my wife, several close friends and my business in a span of five years, I was able to find new friends and rebound. Mainly because the friends and Liz accepted me as my authentic feminine self. I guess karma was paying me back for a lifetime of wondering what I was doing about my transgender self. All the years of doubting my gender existence came back to be a strength when I quit being a victim in my own life. 

Sure I was transgender but suddenly it became a strength not a weakness and the pain was behind me. 

     

A Spectator in my Own Life

 

Image from Author JJ Hart

There were many times in my life when I felt as if I was a spectator in my own life.

From the first glimpse in a mirror when I cross dressed as a girl, all the way to when I first went out determined to be a woman rather than just look like one, often I was on the outside looking in. Being on the outside was certainly not a great place to be. I literally spent decades of my life worrying about where I actually stood with my gender issues.

Along the way, I grew tired of being the spectator and wanted more inside information on how the feminine system I so admired worked. I discovered the hard way, I was not going to be allowed to learn more until I made the drastic step of increasing my transitioning efforts. Naturally, it was very difficult to do when I was totally immersed in leading a male life which I had become quite successful at doing. Overall, I was becoming the victim when it came to my life as a whole. I kept wondering why me when it came to my desire to live as a transgender woman. I finally had to shake it off and move forward with my gender transition before I lost everything I knew in life. 

It turns out the real culprit was myself.  I was afraid to face my truth and it cost me. I even tried to out run my desire to live as a woman by moving and switching jobs. Once I talked my wife into moving from our native Ohio to the New York City metro area. Then back again a couple years later. Living in different parts of the country was certainly an eye opening experience but did very little to help my gender issues. On the rare occasions it did like the night on Long Island when I went to a transvestite mixer and the hosts thought I was a cis-woman was flattering but did me no good the next morning when I crashed back into my male life. Then my poor wife had to put up with my mood swings.

Still I was a spectator in my own life when I walked down the long hallway in heels to get carded for my true gender to the times I did the family grocery shopping in sweaters, mini skirts and flats, I wondered who was that? It took me years to come to the conclusion the other feminine person was me and she had a right to be here in my life. Slowly but surely, I was building the life experiences needed to cross the gender border but it kept taking me so much time. I kept running into so many road blocks, I thought I was some sort of a gender construction engineer. 

Regardless as time flew by, it was time to put my gender cards on the table to finally determine which gender was going to be the primary provider in my life. What I attempted to do was live as much as I could as a novice transgender woman to see if the lifestyle was for me. Even though initially I did not attempt to do it, the trans life rapidly snuck up on me. Before I knew it and maybe before I was ready, I began to carve out a brand new life as a woman. Quickly I needed to develop feminine communication skills which was difficult for me to do since I was overwhelmingly dealing with other women in my life.

Through it all, slowly I grabbed total control of my life and became a spectator any time I was forced back into my old unwanted male life. In other words, I finally faced my own truth and flipped the ultimate gender script in my life.