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| Image from Mahdi Chaghari on UnSplash. |
I began to think of all the stressful days I spent in front
of the mirror as my perception of a pretty girl, then taking my image public and
into the world. For years it never occurred to me that I was trying too hard. I
was attempting to micro-manage myself to ensure every little aspect of my
feminine image was correct. Here is an example of what I was doing wrong. On
any given day, my makeup and fashion were on point, and I was confident about
my presentation. Then as I was out trying it all in the public’s eye, I would
either catch myself walking hunched over like a linebacker or worse yet, trip
over my own heels and almost fall. It took me quite a while to realize what I
was doing wrong and try to change it.
For me, relaxation and confidence were the key to real
gender change. I was letting it happen rather than making it happen. I discovered
it was so much more pleasurable for me when it happened that way. After that I
could take my game to a different level such as communicating one on one with
the world for once as my authentic feminine self. A key point I had to do if I
was ever going to make it to my dream of a male to female femininization
project.
I also established bucket lists of things I wanted to do as
a transgender woman and was able to accomplish most of them except a couple of ill-thought-out
visits to women’s rooms when I had the police called on me. Letting it happen
surely did not work for me then, but I recovered and gained my restroom
privileges in other venues I went to. Fortunately, the police had better things
to do than mess with me and I went on my way without further problems. That was
years ago and I haven't had any problems since. That was a good thing because
the restroom privilege was something that I needed more than wanted.
I cannot stress enough about how much I had to learn during
this period of my life when I was making a serious push towards transitioning
from a serious cross dresser all the way to a transgender woman. When in
reality, it was mostly a mental transition, it was still a very important one
to make. I have a difficult time explaining it but all of a sudden, something
clicked in my mind, and I knew another change was needed. I was so more than a
man wanting to look like a woman. I
wanted to be a woman and feel like one as close as I could. That was when I
successfully set out to socialize with cisgender women just to see if I could.
I conquered my fear and found out I could add another layer of just letting it
happen versus making it happen.
By this time, my muscle memory had improved so much as a
trans woman that it became natural to me. So much so in fact that I had to be
careful I was not too effeminate when it came to me working my male job and
living with my wife. It finally became too much for me to juggle, and I needed
to put it down before it was too late and I became more self-destructive than I
already was. What I did was, attempt to do more things as a transfeminine person
and do as less as humanly possible as my male self. It is one of the reasons I
took so long to transition, because of the need to work around a disapproving
wife and male self which was desperately hanging on.
You regulars know this part of my story when my wife tragically
passed away. Which left only my weakened male self to resist any efforts at total
domination from my inner female who had waited so long for her chance to live
and write her own gender workbook. Little did I know she kept her own workbook
up to date and was ready to go. If and when she had a chance to use it. Perhaps,
your inner female is keeping a gender workbook also and you will not have as
far to go to catch up when you get the chance to live your life.
I discovered too that letting it happen versus making it
happen was mostly common sense. Even though the two main binary genders do
things differently, they often operate in parallel universes which are the same
and seem to be doing more so in the younger generations. I first learned up
close and personal during my first girl’s nights out I went to. I was worried
about what I needed to do to be able to interact with the group but then found
they had just flipped the script from jobs and sports to family and friends
with the women. Quickly I relaxed and started to let my inner girl flow, and I
was fine with most of all the other participants except for one who I perceived
as being a miserable person anyway. Who was unlikeable to me, and I left her
alone.
I chuckle to myself when I think of how my football coach’s
words would come back to help me in such a different way later in life. I guess
it proves that you just cannot count on anything staying the same when it comes
to gender. Perhaps that is a clue why the population at large knows nothing
about us and we live parallel lives from both of them. Whatever it is, if you
are in your path of gender discovery, you will certainly feel the change from
making it happen to letting it happen.
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