Sunday, May 16, 2021

Who Are You Really?

 As transgender women and men, who we really are at times causes us significant mental duress. 

Liz and I
I know with me, it took me nearly fifty years to finally come to the conclusion I was living life as a lie as I desperately tried to hang on to the remaining vestiges of my life as a guy. The problem I had was, every now and then I would have a pleasurable male experience or enjoyed a bit of the white male privilege I thought I had earned. During those moments, I would question why I would want to give it all up and enter the feminine world. Of course all of it caused me great stress which I ended up labeling gender dysphoria. 

As I have written in depth before here in Cyrsti's Condo, all of my gender stress and tension led me to a very active suicide attempt. 

It's no surprise too, so many transgender folk go back and forth wondering about their gender choices. After all, there

are too many instances of transitioning trans women or men losing family and/or jobs.  Too many become desperately lonely. 

It's tough, we are stuck in one of the most difficult journeys a human being can make. It's so difficult and complex, we have a very tough time even explaining to others we didn't have a choice to journey down the gender path we are on. 

My answer to who I am in reality comes in a large part from my interaction with my partner Liz. When my gender dysphoria is getting me down, she reminds me in so many ways I am so much more of a girl than she is. 

I am also fortunate to have the effects of my hormone replacement therapy to fall back on. When I awake in the morning I have the immediate reality of my hair and breasts reminding me of who I have become. As shallow as at of that may seem, the bottom line is through all of this I am just me.

These days though it's easier to express me in a truer form in the public's eye. It's who I really am.  

Saturday, May 15, 2021

It was Brutal

 Well, my long delayed trip to the dentist proved to be up to it's hype. 

To start with, I couldn't afford a dental surgeon (my insurance wouldn't cover it.)  So, my only choice was to have a regular dentist do the fun job. The difference in out of pocket expense was approximately four thousand dollars. 

Unfortunately, I knew a little of what to expect because "back in the day" I had an Army Dentist who "tried" to remove my wisdom teeth. Overall it proved also to be a brutal experience. It turns out my teeth have some sort of a cruel twisted root which makes them less than easy to remove. 

I knew I was going to be in for a similar experience when I heard the dentist mutter to his assistant something about curved roots as he went into attack mode. 

The next think I knew I was getting seven shots of Novocain, which turned out to be only the start because the teeth they had to remove happened to be all around my mouth. 

It's never good too when the dentist tells you he may have to use more painkiller and I may hear teeth breaking as I felt a lot of pressure. But rest assured, he would get them out.

The good news is I love my new teeth and I got my smile back. Along with a bloody lip where he bared down with several of his tools. 

I did my best to take my mind off the whole procedure by imagining what it must have been like not so long ago in the pre-pain killer dental days.

Now the next milestone is to have the sutures out which go from one side of my mouth to the other. And, beginning to eat solid hot food again. 

So I may come out of this with a new smile and a weight loss! 

Friday, May 14, 2021

Patti Harrison


From the "Advocate" :

In the new comedic film Together Together, Harrison portrays Anna, a character attempting to become the surrogate mother for a single man, Matt (Ed Helms). It's the kind of role that she, as a transgender actress, would love to be cast in more often. And she hopes her hilarious, heartfelt performance sends a message to Hollywood."

"Harrison has appeared in a variety of productions, from A Simple Favor to Shrill to voice acting in Big Mouth and Disney's Raya and the Last Dragon. However, Harrison is dismayed by the scripts that usually cross her desk, which tend to be some variation of a "down-on-her-luck trans sex worker" who overcomes the trauma of family rejection to become a "brave 'yas queen' girl boss."

"When people only see you as [your marginalized identity], you're not getting the same opportunities" as other actors, Harrison noted."

Thursday, May 13, 2021

Loosening Up

 Since I have been fully vaccinated against Covid and still practice safety procedures such as proper distancing and masking in public, I have been able to get out to run a few errands. Curiously, in some ways it seems like I am starting to learn all over again in a feminine world.

At The Ohio State Union with Brutus 

Yesterday was a great example as I had to take a small package to the Post Office.  For some reason I thought I could get away with just slipping it into one of their drop boxes but it wouldn't fit. Not a problem, I had my mask handy, so with no makeup, I briskly headed into the lobby. It is a small Post Office, so there was just one woman behind the counter and I was the only other person there that I saw. As the woman behind the counter saw me, she lit up like a light bulb and enthusiastically greeted me. I think she knew I was transgender and was super accepting. Which was nice as I was struggling slightly to get into the swing again of being back in the public's eye.

I better get used to it, as I have scheduled several other public engagements. The first of which is Friday which I call my own private "D-Day". Meaning it's my dental appointment during which they are going to pull teeth and get me ready for upper dentures. Needless to say, I am not looking forward to the visit but I am looking forward to getting back my smile. At any rate, I am going to have to hitch up by big girl panties and get through it. So far the whole dentist's office has gotten my pronouns correct. 

Coming up, I have several webinars including a couple on aging and one follow up from Trans-Ohio regarding my/ours Transgender Month of Visibility presentation. I still think mine left a lot to be desired but the whole process was a learning experience to build from. 

The weekend coming up in a couple of weeks could be a real "re-coming" out experience. My partner Liz and I have been invited to a small get together of several old friends we haven't seen for awhile to hear one of them perform his music. The following day, we head up to Dayton, Ohio for a high school graduation party for my oldest grandson. 

All in all, it feels good to dive out of my Covid comfort zone and re-insert myself into a feminine world. 

Wednesday, May 12, 2021

Jenner Strikes Again

  Unfortunately, one of my least favorite people is back in the news.  By now you have probably heard Jenner (I refuse to use her first name) is running for the California governorship as a Republican of course. 

As a quick refresher, Jenner initially supported Benedict Donald Trump, a fierce anti LGBT president. She eventually said she didn't vote for him in 2020 and skipped the election all together to play golf.

Now Jenner has come out totally against transgender youth and athletes everywhere  by saying competing as trans athletes would be unfair to their cis counterparts. By now, you would have thought Jenner could see past her privileged  wealthy past and attempt to do something good for the transgender community.

It's bad when the trans community has a well known person seemingly speaking for us. So many civilians don't understand the diversity within the transgender culture. 

Jenner is nothing more than a hypocrite and a traitor to us all and the worse part of all this is, I'm sure I will have the chance to see/hear more from her as her campaign for governor digresses.