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| JJ Hart at her first Girl's Night Out |
Often, I am sad when I see a group of young girls playing. All too often, I wonder what I missed when I was growing up.
I then remember all the times in school when I was forced to
play with the other boys and not join the girls’ group to learn what they were
up to. Essentially what I missed was the chance to fill out my own gender
workbook.
Since I believe women are socialized and not birthed, the
early interactions of the girls robbed me of getting a head start towards my
own unique womanhood. So, my gender workbook remained mostly blank for years,
until I could claim the experiences, I needed to begin to fill it out.
Ironically, as I write about often, the greatest majority of
my first interactions with the public came with other women. Then, I did have a
chance to start to catch my gender workbook up as the other women indirectly
(and directly) shared the pluses and setbacks of their times growing up and
passing the gatekeepers into being treated as a woman, not just a female. At
the time, I was so afraid of testing out the gatekeepers to see if I could be admitted
that I never tried. Instead, I hid my desires, until I was sure I could make
it. Still, it was very difficult to make it because of my continued shyness
around strangers which was compounded by my transfeminine life. There just were
not many like me in the world to pave the way.
As I began to pave the way, I needed to smooth out my
journey. First, I had to figure out a way to properly dress my testosterone
poisoned body so I could present well as a woman. To do so, I needed to become
a regular at all the area thrift stores, as I shopped till I dropped for just
the right fashion piece to add to my growing wardrobe. Once I did that, I could
continue building my own path to maybe discover what I had missed not growing
up as a young girl.
Surprisingly, as I began to be invited to special girls’
nights out, I began to learn I was not missing out as much as I thought. I discovered
what I always had thought was true. Takeaway the talk of sports and business
which men talk about and add in softer subjects such as family and friends, and
I could indeed survive the new world I was in and not sit around like I was a hermit.
I needed to hit a middle point of being interested in the conversation and
adding in just the right amount of conversation. Such as, I found I could still
talk about my daughter and grandchildren and still be relevant to the rest of
the group.
What I was doing was skipping ahead in my workbook to
sections which would include usage of the women’s restroom. I learned the
importance of looking another woman in the eye when I met her because I could
on the new side of the gender border I was on. My workbook said I could and should
to survive and even thrive. I knew I had made it to some sort of a gender
promised land when I was asked by other women to make the “sacred” journey to
the rest room.
Even with all this happening, I was still frustrated by all
the sections of my workbook which were blank. Deep down, I knew I could never reclaim
the early years I had being forced into the male square hole I was in when I
knew all along, I should have been in the round female hole. Perhaps the most
frustrating part of the whole process was, the more I was forced into the male
side, the more I was rewarded into acceptance. I refused to throw away my transfeminine
workbook anyway and just hid it during times when I was forced into the Army
during the Vietnam War.
For some reason, my workbook always resonated with me as I
went through the down times. It was my shining light when I needed it to be. I
just overcame the beginning chapters which were missing. My path to womanhood
would just have to be different and in many cases more difficult than the
average cisgender woman. I had to be better just to survive in a new world I
was just learning about since I was not allowed to learn about it early in life.
As I watched the other girls around me, often my jealousy grew because I never
had the chance to wear pretty clothes or gossip with the other girls.
I learned my gender workbook was fragile too and could be
changed or corrected at any time when I had misread certain situations. Which I
write about often. I just stored the information away for use later. I am still
adding to my workbook to this day.
