Forever Dancing

 

Image from Alexa Posteraro
on UnSplash.

During my long gender journey, I often thought there were times when I had finished my trip and made it to my goal of transgender womanhood.

It was during those occasions when life laughed at me and said I better begin dancing once again. As always, I was a terrible dancer and needed to try harder than the average woman to succeed. If I did not, I knew I would never make it.

Earlier in my journey, I thought I was doing enough dancing to get myself by and then hit a solid gender wall when I failed. Any gender euphoria was very brief and fleeting as I went out in public as a novice transgender woman for the first time. On too many occasions, I needed to hurry home in tears after being laughed at (or worse) by the public. Fortunately, I was somehow able to pick myself up and get back to dancing the best I could in my gender game. At whatever cost I needed to do, my first priority was to improve my overall femininized presentation. 

I started by losing weight. In fact, I shed nearly fifty pounds which enabled me to better fit into a wider and more fashionable style of women's clothing than I ever had before. From there, I began to work more diligently on my skin. So, I could wear less makeup. Then I added better wigs to my dance list and finally began to notice a difference in how I was perceived in the world as a transgender woman. By that time, I thought I was ready to dance but I was far from it. All I had really done was carefully craft a feminine image which I needed to put into motion. 

As I continued to enter the world as a transgender woman, many times, the world pushed back at me. I had problems with how I moved and how I communicated with the public before I could ultimately relax and really learn to dance. As I tried and tried to improve myself, most of the push back came from my second wife and my old male self. Both of whom had stakes in my success or failure in my new world. I have written often of the times when my wife rightfully said I made a terrible woman. Mainly because I was still putting my woman together and was making mistakes. At that point, I did not have the lived experiences as a trans woman to do better and anytime she caught me out of our agreement to explore the world, all hell would break lose. Afterall, she understood more than I did how she was losing my male self to another woman. Who happened to be me.

Once I broke through and decided transgender womanhood was the only dance for me, I began to do better. Physically, I never made it to being a better dancer, but mentally I did. Primarily because I needed to survive in the feminine world or sandbox, I chose. By nature, I found cisgender women operate on a whole different level than men. Which I already knew of course but not to the point of survival I found myself in the midst of. To oversimplify, men came at me from at the most two angles, and women from many more. I was ambushed by several passive aggressive women on many occasions before I learned to protect myself from perceived lesser threats. 

To this day, I am still dancing. Primarily because it is what it takes to be a transgender woman in todays' world. Plus, I would be remiss if I did not mention the small group of women friends, I had who were instrumental in helping me with my dancing lessons.   

Building Gender Bridges

 

Image from Alexander Rotker 
on UnSplash.

I have always been one to build too many bridges to jump off of in my life. 

In fact, if I don't have anything to worry about, I will create something. Looking back, I was especially bad at building huge, tall bridges when I was at the height of my trip to transgender womanhood. I felt I was partially justified in doing so because of all the problems I experienced when I was coming out of my gender closet. 

Before I began my trip, I was a fairly freewheeling person. If something happened for me to take care of, I would and at the same time, not spend much time worrying about my future. Even though I still faced major problems in my life, I could still conquer them, or escape back behind my skirts, heels and hose to hide. As I progressed in my life, I found my time was running out as a parttime cross dresser. Either I needed to do more or purge myself altogether of a pastime which had kept me from jumping off so many bridges I had built. 

Another problem I discovered was when I began to be more skilled at building my gender bridges was becoming, I was increasingly under more pressure to be successful. The more success I felt as a transgender woman, the easier my life became except for the very serious bridges I faced such as communication with the world. 

The best time I have for building my bridges is late at night when I am trying to sleep. These days, I have plenty of things to worry about. In fact, next week, my wife Liz and I will be heading north to my daughters, mother in laws lunch. During that time, I hope to find out what has happened to my transgender grandchild job offer as a civilian nuclear engineer with the Navy in Maine. Hopefully they have been able to stay under the radar so far and has maintained the job which they wanted to start this fall. (They is their preferred pronoun.)

Going to see the family is always very affirming as I have been accepted for years as my authentic feminine self. Early on it was very difficult for me to adjust to because nearly everyone in the room had known me for years as my old male self. Others including my first wife, who is the mother of my only child usually always attends, and she has a difficult time sometimes not referring to me with the proper pronouns when recounting a few of the long-ago days when I was trying to live as a macho man. Plus, we also met each other while we both served in the Army in Germany. With all the extra baggage I carry when it comes to her, I think she has done a good job of building a new bridge to me over the years.

Now, at my advanced age of seventy-five, I find myself looking ahead at the biggest bridge of all. When it is time to enter a new reality when I pass on. I have decided to do the best I can with all the aches and pains I have and keep a positive attitude. Of course, there are other major bridges to think about also when and if I need to enter assisted living, which I am not looking forward to. Liz and I were supposed to attend a special seminar put on by an attorney specializing in "elder law", but Liz got sick, and we did not go. So sometime in my future, I need to insist we find an attorney to give us a consultation. 

In life, it seems, there are always bridges to build. It is just a special problem unique to gender conflicted transgender women and trans men. Overtime, we can become very good builders and even better at hiding our results. Fortunately, there are more and more trained therapists to help us these days. Ironically, some of us have to go through several therapists until we can find the proper fit. So, we can find someone who can build a solid bridge, rather than tear it all down. Which, if you are like me, you tried to do many times during various purges. 

I Made Nothing

 

Image from Camillo 
Contreras on UnSplash.

Several of my earliest memories of success as a cross dresser came during the Halloween parties I went to. 

When I wore my very short mini dresses, showing off my freshly shaven legs, I found I had several women come up to me and say, I "made" a good-looking woman. Years later, when I began to understand "woman speak" better, what they probably meant was I "made" a good-looking woman, for a man dressed as one. 

Furthermore, I soon came to realize, I was not making anything. I was simply being who I was. In order to learn that simple fact, I needed to live decades of life as a parttime cross dresser or novice transgender woman. Or I needed to live my gender truth before I could claim it. I needed to get out of the mirror and into the world to learn if I really belonged there. Those were the days when no one in the world around me would give me a break. The public was laughing at me (rightfully so) because for the most part, I was dressed like a clown in drag. Plus, my old male self, my second wife and my mirror did not want to let go of me. Making my life miserable and destroying what I had left of my mental health.

Juggling two genders at once was a tremendous challenge when I caught myself practicing living one gender when I should not have been. Being called "Ma'am" at my macho management job was certainly not cool or good but somehow, I survived to live on to the next day when I was determined to do better.  What happened was, I did keep getting better at my feminine side and increasingly began to leave my male side behind, which scared him.

Fear, as they say, is a powerful motivator and instead of giving up, my male side and my second wife grew increasingly close and forced a battle of the wills. In other words, neither one of them wanted to lose their place in the world. Which included my universe. It turns out, I did make something...a huge mental mess for myself. It is one of the excuses I make for taking nearly fifty years to break out of my gender bonds and flourish out of my closet and mirror. I just had to make sure I was making the right choice and there was so much pressure on me. 

As I grew out of the mental gender mess, I had made for myself, I gained the critical confidence I needed to establish myself as a secure transgender woman. Not just a femininized man. Since I had spent a lifetime getting there, the personal coming out was extra special to me. It was as if my feminine self was telling me what took so long. As it turned out, I shared her belief in wondering why I took so much time and wasted so much nervous energy I wish I had back. As we all know, worrying over what we did in the past is a waste of time, unless we are learning from our mistakes.

I felt better when I realized I did not make anything, when it came to my gender issues. Rather, I inherited them from some unknown source which made life a challenge. A challenge I needed to finally accept before the pressure I put on myself had grown too heavy to carry and I had to put it down and go with the life which made me feel natural and alive. When my transgender womanhood became secure thanks to friends I had, I felt so much better as I built a new life.

When too Much Wasn't

 

JJ Hart (Middle) with two friends.

As I continued along my long and winding gender path, I (on occasion) ran into situations when the public seemed to be too much. 

Examples were the times I was approached in public by strangers when I did not want to be. Very quickly I needed to judge their motives. Did they see me as a man in a dress on one hand, or as a woman on the other. Naturally, it made a big difference when I returned home and rated my experiences as a novice transgender woman out in the world for the first time. How did I do? Was I too much for my own good and did I need to tone it down, or attempt to do more?

There were the times when I managed to thrive in situations where women dominated and times I could not and ran home. Back to my gender drawing board. There seemed to be so much to learn, I was overwhelmed by the task ahead of me if I was ever to achieve my dream of living a femininized life as a transgender woman. 

In the end result, normally I found too much just was not when I was trying to get ahead in a new world I was just getting used to. The problems occurred mainly in the areas of fashion and makeup, as well as where I was trying to go when I went out. Once I got them under control, I was able to build a stable new life in the girls' sandbox. Once I earned my way in. Often earning my way in, had its own set of challenges. Mainly I had to find out how to play correctly to be accepted. On the other hand, even though it was difficult to do, I had to play to learn a life's full of lessons in a hurry. As I always say, my women's workbook was blank to this point, and I needed to write it. 

I found as I struggled to fill out my workbook, I needed to be extra vigilant in how I viewed other women, since I was totally on their turf. For the most part, I did my best to hold back on my opinions and speak mainly when I was spoken too. It worked well enough until I could get my feet on the ground, and I could move forward as a transgender woman. My goal was to build my new life as a confident, intelligent woman in society, but I needed to prove to myself my goal was not too much and would destroy my dream of transgender womanhood. Fortunately, throughout my life, I had several strong positive feminine role models to work from and add to my workbook. When I was able to add their influences to the inner female, I already knew was there, the women formed a strong bond to guide me through my struggles.

Overall, I discovered rarely too much just was not. What was happening was, I was just paralyzed by fear to move on with my new life. Once I got over most of my fears, I was able to move on and be free to live a better life. A better mental health life waited for me when I quit fighting two genders to survive. 

Wait? There is More?

 

Hand Beaded Hair Beret
by Liz T Designs
Haur by JJ Hart. 

When I reached every dead end on my gender path, I thought I was finished with my dream of ever being a transgender woman.

It turned out, when I researched every dead end, most were just blind curves I needed to negotiate, so I pushed on. It turned out, one of my biggest problems I had was dealing with my own fears. Would I be discovered and laughed at or worse. When neither started to happen, I gathered my courage to do more and more in the world.

Mentally, I was able to make another major transition from cross dresser (which never worked for me), all the way to transgender, which did. The process turned out to be one of the biggest mental moves of my life and in many ways saved me from harming myself. All the years of not making a connection and connecting my gender dots were over, and finally, I was able to understand why my life had been so difficult. Mainly, it was because I was so busy fighting myself, I did not have the room to search for anything else. Keep in mind too, while this was going on, I was also trying to juggle a male life which I was succeeding at. Making it more and more difficult to give up.

Through it all, I did find out there was so much more to my femininized life than my old male one. To get there, I needed to keep pushing. I set up mini bucket lists where I wanted to try out as a trans woman to see if I would be accepted. At first, I went to the easy venues such as malls, clothing stores and bookstores to see if I could make it in my new world. Once I did, I attempted to step up my layers of difficulty to challenge myself to be better, and at the same time build my confidence to seek out more in my new life. My end goal with all of this was to discover if I indeed did have any chance to live my lifelong dream of being a woman. Even though I went too far on my bucket list ideas, I still had to push forward because so much was at stake in my life. Afterall, I had family, friends and jobs to consider among other things I did not consider yet because they were beyond the next blind corner. 

Sometimes, what was behind the next blind corner was easy to deal with and other times presented me with situations which were very difficult to deal with. Such as the time I had the police called on me due to an ill-advised rest room visit, all the way to being run out of my regular venues by a group of men who were harassing me. Predictably, it took me quite a bit of time to regain my confidence, but I did and moved on to greener gender pastures. 

One of my biggest obstacles to finding the greener pastures was my lack of knowledge in communicating as a woman. I never thought the public would want to interact with me as quickly as they did, and I was not in the least prepared for it. For the first time in my life, I needed to really listen to other people and prepare early for a proper response which was good enough to get me by. I even resorted to taking feminine vocalization courses at the Veterans Administration to help get me to the next corner to see if there was more to do. 

It always seemed there was more to do as I attempted to immerse myself into my transgender womanhood. Especially when I started gender affirming hormones. When I did, welcome changes began to happen quicker than I expected and once again, I was not prepared for what I was facing. For example, I had a timetable in my head for when I could finally put all the male life behind me and start a new life from all the gender work, I had done. Primarily, because of early surprising breast development, I needed to scrap my mental timetable and get started on my new life. From there, there would be no looking back.

From HRT forward, I thought there would be fewer mores in my life, but I was wrong. My wife Liz came along and with her, she expected me to accompany her in the world doing things I had never tried before. We went on vacations, went to the symphony as well as junk yards for car parts and made a life together. 

Now as I look to the final chapters coming up in my life, I know there are many more significant mores in my life coming up. It is just a part of life. Maybe transgender women and trans men just have more to navigate than the average person as we seek a new gender life. 

If you Know, you Know

 

JJ Hart from Key Largo, Florida

One of the reasons, we transgender women and trans men have to put up with so much evil misinformation about us in the public's eye is so many people don't even know a transgender person. 

The main reason is, we are so few when you consider the population as a whole. However, within the trans community, we share many similarities. For example, many of first trips into a feminine lifestyle came when we went through our mom's dresser drawers (or sister's) and came away with a wonderful experience. Sadly, then we could not understand why all the people and family around us could not be trusted with our secret. To make matters worse, our secret was so rare, the chances of finding anyone around us who understood was nearly impossible. I only tried to relay my secret to someone who understood twice. Once I was quickly rejected and once I was not. Of course, with the first person, I went back into my closet and was never seen again. But with the other, I found a friend I could share my desires with. Until he moved away with his mother who did not care if we experimented with her clothes and makeup. I don't know for sure, all these years later but perhaps I had found the proverbial needle in the haystack. Another person who knew what I did, we loved all things feminine.

As life continued on, I began to attend various transvestite - cross dresser mixers where I received mixed feedback on how I felt about knowing others. I discovered I did not form as many gender bonds I thought I would. I figured simply we were both into cross dressing and beyond, we would get along better. Quickly I learned, I did not know most of the attendees better than the rest of the world simply because we shared the same need to be femininized. I was exposed suddenly to different layers of the world who had the same gender issues than I. Or so I thought. I found I did not know anymore how the cowboy cross dressers who I called that because they wore cowboy hats and smoked big cigars while they wore a dress, could do that. I had my upbringing when I wore slacks to a mixer and was attacked for doing it. 

Then there were the "A" listers who were very attractive an acted just like the stuck-up girls I went to high school with. I did not get along with them either and did not understand why they could not have been nicer to everyone. I guess, if you know, you know wasn't working for me just because I put on a dress. I was learning the hard way, the differences between cross dressers and transgender women. 

These days, I am involved in just one support group through the VA, which used to be known as a LGBTQ peer support group before the changes forced upon us by the orange felon. Now we are just a support group made up primarily by the gay and lesbian attendees. In fact, out of twelve or fourteen participants, I am one of only two transgender women in the group. What I have learned is, out of all the LGBTQ people in the group share many of the same problems, especially with the upcoming problems in the Veterans Administration. Once again you could say I was so involved in my little world, I did not consider others. For example, I assumed gay and lesbian people understood or supported transgender people because we are cousins so to speak. Whereas they don't understand us any better than the rest of the world. That is why I love to share my experiences with the gays and lesbians in the group. 

I am doing my best to change and understand just because I am transgender, I understand what other trans people are going through. Or they understand me. It is difficult because today more than ever, we need each other in the world to survive. 

Authenticity

Transgender flag flying at 
Cincinnati's City Hall.

 In order to just get by in the world, transgender women, or trans men need to be authentic. Which is always easier said than done. 

First of all, you need the confidence to try out your new self in an exciting yet scary different world. Maybe, a person smarter than me has an idea on how to provide yourself with confidence other just by just doing it. For transgender women, among other things, it means putting aside all the hard-earned male privileges we came to be used to. In order to be truly authentic in our transgender womanhood, everything male had to go. 

It took me years, or even decades to get around to living authentically as a trans woman. Before I was able to, I needed to adjust my thinking to what a woman really was, and what she had to go through during her life. As my second wife kept trying to tell me, there was so much more to womanhood than just looking like one. Finally, I started to realize what she meant, but it was not until I made it out into the world as a novice transgender woman, did I realize what she really meant. For me, it meant the girls nights out I was invited to, along with everyday communication helped me to discover my true feminine self. 

Even still, all those nights I went out to be by myself were not helping me with my authenticity. I learned the difficult way all females were not women because they were never socialized into womanhood. Through it all, I wondered where the whole process would land me. For years, I feared a hard fall in my life if I had fully transitioned into transgender womanhood, but it never happened for me. I think, the more I learned in my new life helped strangers to interact with me easier, one on one. 

Perhaps the biggest discovery in my life came when I learned firsthand how powerful my internal feminine self was. Once she sensed she had control in my life, she effortlessly took over and guided me to a soft landing when I slid off my gender cliff. One of the main things she did was making me how total the femininization process was once it got started. I guess the first thing she changed was how I looked at my life. For example, she made me realize I was never a man cross dressing as a woman, I was a woman cross dressing as a man. All of a sudden, my early life made sense as to why I could never satisfy the deep craving I had to dress as a woman, only to discover a couple days later, I would be depressed if I could not dress again and find the nearest mirror. I needed constant reassurance I was on the proper path to my own form of transgender womanhood.

I guess, authenticity can only be earned the hard way through lots of work and even experimentation.  When you do experiment, and are successful, gender euphoria and confidence set in and you are ready to move forward in your life.   

Transgender Day of Visibility

 

Transgender Day of Visibility
poster from my
hometown. 

Today is the annual transgender day of visibility on March 31st. 

It is a time such as never before to attempt to stand up and be counted as a transgender woman or transgender man. Sadly, it is also the time we trans people take the most risks to do so. Stakes are becoming higher and higher against us coming out in many areas of the country, especially, here in my native Ohio. Where an overwhelmingly republican legislature in the state capital of Columbus has passed bill after negative bill against us. 

To me, my visibility is an ongoing deal. Since I live fulltime in my transgender womanhood, long ago I decided to never run and hide my feminine nature. Back when I did not have so many mobility issues, I was more of an active participant than I am today. In place of being active at all, I have tried to pick up my pace with my writing and protest with my keyboard and votes. 

Plus, I know I am so fortunate to have found and married an accepting/encouraging spouse who helped usher me into my transgender womanhood. I know so many others in the community who are so lonely. 

Wherever you happen to be in your gender transition, these troubled days present a troubled challenge to being visible. Challenges such as your presentation provide sometimes insurmountable hurdles to being more visible. Similar to a "Catch 22" of passing. In other words, you need to be seen in public to learn if you present well enough to stay out of personal danger, but it is scary to even start to get the experience to begin with.  Again, I was lucky when my time to come out meant at the worst you were laughed at and not beat up. Plus, I was able to put years of practice into makeup, fashion, and wigs when I cross dressed in my closet. If the times were reversed, I often wonder what I would have done differently, if anything. All in all, it is just another one of those life's questions I will never know.

On this transgender day of visibility, I hope all of you find your own way to be visible. Anything from marching in a parade, all the way to looking at yourself in the mirror, find a way to celebrate the rare, beautiful self which is you! 

Nothing but a Reflection

 

Woman in Mirror from Darius Bashar
on UnSplash.

It seems for some reason, recently, I have been obsessed with thinking about my earliest days of admiring my girl, cross dressed reflection at home in the mirror. I hope in this post I will be able to take my obsession a step further. 

I believe women have a head start over transgender women when it comes to the basic concept of being viewed in the public's eye. To begin with, women are faced with more appearance scrutiny than men. Women have to put up with the reality they are viewed more closely by both genders. Whereas men don't have to face nearly as much scrutiny. Then, being a transgender woman takes even more work to survive in the world. 

Then there is the reality of reflection between genders. Women traditionally resort to makeup, beauty spas and fashion to reflect the best version of themselves to attract men and to a lesser extent, impress other women. It is at least a multibillion dollar a year business. Now, back to me, and where I was on my path to transgender womanhood. 

Where I was on my path, was I was still struggling with even having the beginners' basics on how I could reflect woman to the public at large. With the help of continued work on my makeup and me attacking the nearby thrift stores, I finally began to reflect feminine to the world. When I did, I could begin to refine my approach and relax in the world as a transgender woman or more advanced cross dresser. Mostly, that meant putting my mirror's reflection in motion. It was very difficult in the beginning, as I needed to look the women and men in the world in the eye and be myself. Humans have the tendency to explore the world through their eyes and I quickly became used to having other women look at me totally head to toe. 

All too soon, I was ripped from my mirror and living a very scary but exciting life in a new world. Very quickly, I was able to put my fears behind me and understand who was really looking at me. Men paid me very little attention because I always assumed I was not attractive enough, but on the other hand, I was really receiving much more attention from cisgender women than I had ever had before. Obviously, for whatever reasons, my reflection with other women was working well and I loved it.

I was on a remarkable gender journey as I left the mirror behind and joined the world. As I refined my feminine outlook, I needed to accomplish a couple major goals. The first was, to never not refer to myself internally as a man again. I was a she and that was it. The second was, I needed to concentrate on establishing my own feminine aura. I started to really begin to zero in on whom ever I was talking to into knowing they were interacting with a woman. If it worked or not, remains to be seen, but I kept on trying.

Projecting my aura was the last stop in my progression out of the mirror and into the world. I viewed it as taking the last vestiges of any light I had ever seen in the mirror and turn it into a bright light of hope. It was scary because I was not used to being in a such a new world as a transgender woman. Along the way, I took on my share of setbacks but kept on moving forward.

Now, the reflection I see in the mirror, is only the one I need to apply my makeup and closely shave before I go out. I have also worked hard to do away with any remaining gender dysphoria I may still have. When it does hit me, it normally happens in the morning when I first look at myself in the mirror. I finally have come to the conclusion I don't look as bad as I think or as good, I think I do with my makeup.  The middle point has become good enough for me, and the mirror has again become nothing but a reflection.

Seasons Change

 

Image from Jamiethlene Reskspe on
UnSplash.

It appears that Spring has quit teasing us here in Southern Ohio and is finally here to stay. Spring teases us every year, so it is no real surprise when it happens. We can go from summer like weather to winter in one week. 

What it means is wardrobe adjustments which account for cooler mornings and warmer afternoons have to be made.  Plus, I always use the unique seasonal changes here to completely go through my clothes to see what will stay and what will go.  From nearly the very beginning of my love of everything feminine, I had admired how girls and women had the opportunity to completely change their fashion with the seasons. Putting aside all the challenges I had with having any resources at all to buy new fashion, I still did my best to meet the seasonal change challenges. 

My biggest challenge this year is coming up in the middle of April when my wife Liz and I have been invited to my daughters in laws house for a lunch get together. I am planning for it already and am planning to wear a two-piece lightweight top I just purchased for our trip to the Florida Keys. I will pair the top with leggings I have and hopefully will be dressed well enough to blend in with the rest of the women who will be there. Sadly, I don't think my transgender grandchild will be there because they (pronoun of choice) will be hiking the Appalachian trail with their partner. I will have to find out from their mom if they still are going to have a job as a civilian nuclear engineer with the US Navy or did the orange felon's threat against transgender women and trans men destroy any hopes of having a job. 

In the meantime, it is opening day in Cincinnati for the pro-baseball Reds, which has a huge parade and is close to a complete local holiday. Since the parade is televised during the afternoon, and I really don't care much for parades, it will give me a chance to get started with my spring wardrobe assessment. I know right now, I am setting fairly well with my collection of light weight tops and T's. Especially when I added a few select T Shirts from my trip to Key West, Florida. I purchased a very colorful T(shirt) from "Harpoon Harry's" where we ate lunch and later made a special stop in Jimmy Buffet's "Margaritaville" shop where I picked up another shirt to add to my collection. My second wife and I were huge fans of Jimmy and when he passed way, another of my bucket list items went with him.

Watching Buffet's famous Cincinnati summer riverside concerts were always a hit with us, but little did my wife know how badly I wanted to be one of the women watching the show. My transition took so long, I sadly never made it. 

Now, I hear the birds chirping and a pile of clothes awaits to be sorted to be worn or donated. It has always been a labor of fashion love for me to go through the seasonal changes which made being a woman much more fun for me than being a boring man. Even though, sometimes I think the fashion experience is shallow in nature, it has always been fun to me. 

Especially, when I can shed the boring dark colors of winter and become a part of the new bright spring flowers and budding of the trees. Everything I wanted to do when I started my path to transgender womanhood. It also time to put all my sweaters away and turn another page towards my future and bright as a new season.

 

The Light in the Mirror

 

Image from Alessandro 
Bianchi 
on UnSplash.

I spend quite a bit of time here attacking my mirror when I was growing up.

Recently, I have come to the conclusion some of my negativity could have been wrong. First of all, I was fortunate to have a beautiful full length mirror dad installed at one of the ends of the hallway in our house when I was growing up. When no one else was home, I would spend as much time as I had admiring myself in the hallway mirror. As I did, I could always see a brief dim light in the mirror when I viewed my feminine self for the first time. Even when I knew, the light would have to be extinguished soon, and I would have to go back to my unwanted male world. 

As I grew up and began to explore the world for the first time as a beginning cross dresser, I made plenty of mistakes the mirror did not tell me about. In fact, the mirror light shone brightly and told me I looked great when in fact, I looked just the opposite. I was presenting as a clown in drag with no one to warn me. For a long time, the light in the mirror nearly went completely out as I was rejected in public time and time again resulting in a deep depression for me.

I kept trying though, and the light began to come back on. I lost weight and began to find styles of women's fashion which flattered my body shape and finally began to present better. Especially when I was making the mental transition to novice transgender womanhood from cross dresser. To do it, I needed every break I could muster. Plus, I needed to turn up my light in the mirror, and let my femininized light shine through, so I could see her better. 

The extra light turned out to be all I needed to become more skilled at my makeup art and do the best I could with my testosterone damaged male face. With a little help from a professional makeup person, my light in the mirror grew even brighter, and more importantly, I could trust it. With trust came confidence which equated to more acceptance as a transgender woman in the public's eye. All of a sudden, my lifelong dream to lead a feminine life was within reach. If my light in the mirror stayed on. 

It did and I was even able to turn up my light to a brighter level with the addition of HRT or gender affirming hormones. Among the many other positive changes I went through was when the overall texture of my skin softened. Which meant the male lines in my face softened and I could use less makeup. Specifically, foundation. I quickly learned with more femininized skin and being able to wear my own hair, I was suddenly more presentable to the world. 

Looking back, I may have been too quick to judge my light in the mirror. It just took a little longer (along with the rest of me) to become more situated with living a new life away from my old male self, and perhaps it was my fault for not switching to a brighter bulb sooner. Plus, I was fortunate in that my light in the mirror did not burn out altogether. 

 

Preparing to Lose

 

JJ Hart speaking at a Cincinnati Trans Wellness 
Conference.

When I first began to explore my transgender womanhood in public, I was rejected so much, I was totally dejected by the whole outcome.

The only thing which kept me going was a deep feeling I was doing something right in my life for a change. Plus, I did experience very brief moments of gender euphoria when for once, I had my feet on the ground and was able to blend in with other women in the world. One night I remember in particular was when I dressed in my best oversized fluffy sweater and short black mini skirt and set out to do a portion of the family's grocery shopping. After shaving my legs and brushing out my favorite wig, I set out for the store which was not too far away. 

Once I arrived at the store, it was early, and I was relieved to see it was almost empty when I went about doing my shopping. Just to prove I could, I picked out a few items I thought we needed and headed for the checkout line where one woman and a young male bagger was working. As I was unloading my cart, I slyly caught the bagger looking me over and when I looked at him, he quickly blushed and looked away. Then I looked at the checkout lady who just gave me a knowing smile and asked if I needed any help taking my items to the car. It was the first time in my life I allowed myself a brief moment to think I looked good enough to fluster a young man. I carried the experience forward with me for weeks because it gave me such good confidence in my new feminine world. 

As we all know, confidence is so important to those of us working our way down our gender paths. It does not matter if we are experienced cross dressers or transgender women, having a healthy sense of confidence in ourselves helps our progress in the world immeasurably. People are like sharks and can spot a weakness in another person a mile away. Even though my newfound confidence was still very fragile, I could feel it growing. Which was all that mattered to me. 

From there, I tried to experience living more of my life as a novice transgender woman doing things a cisgender woman would do. Again, doing a portion of the grocery shopping was an example. Looking back on it now, I am surprised my second wife did not question what I was doing but she never did. Through it all, even though I was being successful for a change in my cross dressing or transgender experiences, somehow, someway I still prepared myself for failure. I suppose it was because I experienced so much failure earlier, I still expected it. 

Then, I began to think about what I was doing and came up with what I was really prepared to lose. Since I had advanced to the point of passing in my presentation, was I prepared to lose more and more of my male world. As much as I did not like it, through out and out effort, I was able to carve out a decent male life, and I needed to decide if I could make it without my spouse, extended family, friends and job. What was I prepared to lose?

Long story short, I decided I felt so good in my new transgender womanhood, I decided what I could lose, and it was everything. I should say, I risked it all for a better life and I had very few things to lose when I tried it. My wife and close friends all had passed away and it turned out my all-important daughter came all out to accept me. So, I was very fortunate. 

All along, I was still prepared to lose, it never really happened to me. I can't take much of the credit because I put myself out in the world and good women responded. They were all I needed to restore more of my inner confidence and start a new life.  

Knowing the Rules before You Break Them

 

Image from Milan de Clercq 
on UnSplash

I had a very good idea of what it would take me to survive in a male world before I decided to see if the grass on the other side of the gender border would be any better or greener.

Growing up in a very male dominated family with the only girl being my mom, provided me with a so-called brightly lit path to my future. I was fortunate in some ways to have a larger male body to keep the bullies away as I played sports such as football and baseball regularly.  Of course, I came to dislike my body completely when I went through male puberty and had a difficult time finding any new fashionable girls' clothes to wear. 

When I went through the hated male puberty, the rules of the road so to speak, became clearer and clearer to me. Coming from a white middle-class family with two working parents in the 1950's to mid 1960's gave me a work ethic I used to scrape together the meager funds I needed to buy my own makeup and a few fashion accessories. I knew I could not ask my parents for the money because they would want to know what I needed it for. Any hint of femininity on my part would immediately break all the rules and would result in trips to a psychiatrist. Even then, I knew going to a therapist who knew nothing about gender issues would be a disaster. 

I knew the rules and played the game of male gender the best I could. I found good hiding places for my femininizing fashion and makeup while at the same time, dreamed of the day I could buy a nice wig. In those days, I was able to get by with a mirror who never lied to me by telling me I was a pretty girl. The feelings of joy or gender euphoria would continue several days before the pressure built up on me to cross dress again and again. When I began to realize I was just scratching the surface of my gender issues, I became quite good at knowing one of the primary male rules taught to me as a kid. If you did not like something, internalize it until it went away.

The problem I had was, my desire to be a woman never went away and it was so much more than just being a phase. From the darkness of my closet, I had what turned out to be a distorted idea of what womanhood meant to females everywhere. I only saw what I considered the good part was. Such as no military service and being able to enjoy the wonderful world of woman's fashion. I left out the challengingly part of women's lives such as child raising and toxic men, to name a few. As I was able to cross the gender border, I did realize the grass was not always greener and had I truly been a birth daughter to my mom, extra pressure to conform to her standards would have increased. I am certain she would have pushed me to go to the same university she did, all the way to pledging the same sorority.  I would have again been breaking rules. Just of a different sort.

When I arrived at a time when I was drafted into the military, I was forced into being a follower of rules more than I ever had in the past. Conforming to new Army standards to survive at least kept most of my mind off of my gender issues. I needed to put my desires aside and just dream of the day I could be free to be a transgender woman in my future. It was difficult, but I did it.

By the time I was honorably discharged three years later from the Army, I was able to settle back into the life I had before without one big exception. Without military service looming over my head, I could concentrate on my future. When I did, it became increasingly evident to me, there was a possibility I could break all the gender rules and achieve transgender womanhood. It was still going to be a decades long journey from there, but I was encouraged for once.

Of course, once I began to explore the world as a novice transgender woman, I found a whole new set of rules to deal with. To make matters worse, I had no knowledge of many of the rules I was about to break before I did them. The workbook I was using was blank and I needed to write the rules as I needed them. 

Again, I was fortunate, and I survived when I broke the rules, but I learned quickly since I was free.  Then as I safely continued along my gender path, I found I could make it safely to my dream. Mainly because I knew the rules from both sides of the binary gender and I was a better person for it. 

Living the Dream

Image of dreaming woman from 
James Forbus on UnSplash.

 For the greater part of a half a century, the thought of transgender womanhood remained a distant dream for me.

The main reason was, I spent decades denying who I really was, as my male self-sought to rule me. Sadly, he either won many gender battles or made life overall miserable for me. When he was doing it, my dream remained in place as I wondered how big my rainbow was and would I ever live my dream. In the meantime, I kept experimenting in the world as an out transgender woman. 

When I had the chance, I would do things such as attend downtown festivals all the way to watching an outdoor concert as my new exciting authentic self. I had a black leotard top I often wore with a favorite pair of flair legged silky pants and a glittering pair of black and gold sandals. I even went as far at the daylight festival I went to; I added a pair of sunglasses so I could see anyone checking me out in a negative way without them being able to see my eyes. My biggest discovery was no one paid me any real attention. In other words, I was beginning to think I could actually live out my dream of transgender womanhood. 

From there I attempted to expand my new exciting life. I completely enjoyed the time I spent living my dream and soon, never wanted to go back to my male life. When I was forced back, I hated it. Often, I took it out on my second wife and other close people around me. By internalizing my dream, I grew angrier and angrier and almost lost good jobs because of it. 

It was not until I began to spend almost all of my spare time living my dream, did I realize I could really succeed at it. Finally, I had made the transition from the mirror to the world and was ready to attempt to learn to do more. Overall, I began to have more success than failures when I learned not to push my gender envelope too far. I was accepted at several venues where I wanted to go to watch sports and drink beer plus, I gained a couple unexpected female friends when I did it. I was discovering I was closer and closer to my dream of transgender womanhood was almost here and I wanted more and more of it.

I did not think I would ever make it to my dream, but destiny was on my side and all of a sudden, at the age of sixty, I realized I was at a huge make it or break it time of my life. Either I completed my gender transition then, or I never would have the chance again. I seized the opportunity and even had the chance of meeting the cisgender woman of my dreams who accepted and even encouraged me to be a better version of myself. She told me very few humans ever have the chance to reinvent themselves, so I should strive to do it right. As I did.

At my age of seventy-five now, I still have the everyday pain which comes with age, but I try to write and walk every day to stay active. Perhaps by doing so, I can expand my dream to the fullest. 

Thanks for reading along! I hope you can live out your dream also.

Why Not Me?

 

JJ Hart at Club Diversity
Columbus, Ohio

When I was very young, I had the tendency to hide behind my skirts when I needed to deny any masculine pursuits at all. 

Any time I failed, I ran home to see if I could lock myself in the bathroom and apply makeup and try on any of mom's clothes which still fit. I had a dream of finally making it to my own transgender womanhood when I grew older, but I had no idea of how. Back then, little did I know, the journey would take me over fifty years to complete and the path would be so curvy and full of hurdles. If I did, I wonder if I would have ever attempted to try it.

Of course, I started out innocently enough as a cross dresser in a mirror. My reaction was a double-edged sword. One side of the sword told me I was not doing anything really wrong, while the other side wondered if I was the only one in the world doing it. If that was the case, being a transvestite just could not be good. Right? All I had to rely on was my instincts which told me I was on the right path. So, I persisted and stayed on it. Since the only real feedback I had was from the mirror, I needed to rely on it when it was telling me I had advanced on from the clownish drag makeup stage I was into a more acceptable feminine form. At the time, I equated it with painting model cars which I was never good at and I was so proud when I thought I had conquered the basics of makeup. Even to the point of purchasing my own from the newspaper route I had when I was a kid. When my friends were buying model cars, I was buying makeup and loving it. It was not until many years later, would I receive the instruction I needed to really understand the art of makeup, but I was getting by at the time.

Clothes and hair were a whole other problem I needed to try to conquer at the time. With the very limited budget I was on, there was no way I could afford a nice wig all the way to my college years, when I was working a better paying job. In order to buy a wig, I needed the help of my fiancé who bought it under the idea she would possibly wear it. The wig was long and blond and was my cross-dresser's dream and luckily, she hated it, so I inherited it. Even with the abuse I put it through, the wig lasted for years before I needed to finally retire it. Clothes were another problem because again I did not have much money, and these were the days before larger sized women's fashions became available in a younger style. It was not until years later, when thrift stores became abundant, did I finally become fashion independent. 

As my feminine life was coming together, slowly I began to realize transgender womanhood may not be such a reach for me after all. I was beginning to explore all facets of the world as a trans woman and it all felt so natural. The more I attempted and succeeded at in my new life, the less I wanted to go back to my old, boring male world. So, I did not.

I was on a slippery gender slope my path had led me to, and all of a sudden, I did not fear it anymore. Somehow, I knew there was a soft landing out there for me. The stop signs were gone, and I knew at the age of sixty, if I did not try to live my transgender dreams, I would never have the chance and would forever regret my decision. From there, I decided to follow my heart and seek medical help to begin gender affirming hormones or HRT. The hormones forever sealed my trans life, and I never looked back. I always felt my body was looking for the hormones the whole time. Again, a scary gender transitional moment felt so natural. 

Why not me, turned out to be why should not it be me? 

Back Up Plans

 

JJ Hart visiting Key Largo.

Following several near misses as a novice transgender woman out into the world, I began to smarten up and have back up plans when I was in perceived danger. 

After the near misses with security problems on dark streets where I should have never been alone, I hurriedly went home and looked to see if there was anything in my cross dressers handbook which would have alerted me to possible issues. Since I had a beginner's handbook, I found no such warning and because I had been raised male, I went on my way like nothing should ever happen. Well, it did, and I was fortunate to buy my way out of the problem with my last five-dollar bill. From then on, I learned my lesson and never went back there without an escort of some sort. Common sense had set in. 

Many other of my problems early in my public life as a cross dresser or transgender woman came from other less than intelligent decisions, I made on my own which set me up for failure. Such as the night when my second wife and I attended a diverse mixer in Columbus, Ohio. Against her wishes, I wore a very short mini dress with my long blond wig and ended up being trapped and nearly accosted by a much larger and aggressive "admirer" in a narrow hallway of the house we were in. My wife showed up and he backed off, giving her an ideal "I told you so" moment. From that experience I learned how helpless a woman could feel when trapped by an aggressive man. I went home and added it to my back up plans for the future and scribbled it into my mental gender notebook.

Other experiences were less stressful and even more humorous. One I will never forget was when I was tempting fate with wearing water balloons as breast forms. The double-edged sword of wearing the water filled forms was they were very fragile. Especially when I ignored the danger and made the balloons bigger. All went well, until the night one broke while I was out drinking in a venue, I was a regular in. I was lucky, when the mini flood cut loose, I was already heading for the women's room which happened to be deserted.  I was able to clean up, pay my tab and leave without further incident. I did not think telling the staff I was pregnant would have worked. When I arrived home, the water balloon breast forms became history for me, and I saved up for my first set of silicone forms. 

As the years flew by and I became more interactive with the public, I began to fill out more and more of my transgender workbook, complete with backup plans. I learned to be more cautious with my plans, allowing for more of the inevitable problems which would crop up. Even still, I was caught unaware on several occasions. One of which comes to mind when I was innocently chatting with another woman's husband when she went to the restroom. When she returned, in no uncertain terms, she made it clear I was not supposed to talk to him. My back up plan was to quickly leave, and I did.

I learned also, as I transitioned away from the male gender, very quickly I lost all my male privilege too. The old bluster my way through potentially dangerous situations went away. All of a sudden, I needed to look ahead and not put myself into those situations to start with became important. Many times, I needed to think if things could go wrong, they would. Before it was the same for my spousal relationship, I needed to begin coming home earlier so I could take off my makeup and clothes before my wife returned home from her night shift. Most of the time, I did make it, but when I did not, there was hell to pay. 

Finally, when I became freed up to live my transgender womanhood, I could store away most of my back up plans and move on. However, many of the plans I discovered were just part of being a woman anyhow, so I considered them a rite of passage. Other women grew up learning about the gender rules (right or wrong) and I needed to do the same. 

Real Life Impostors

JJ Hart at Key Largo.

 At various times in my life, I have suffered from impostor's syndrome when I was out with other women celebrating a girl's night out.

While I was overjoyed to be invited to the events and considered them to be a rite of passage to my transgender womanhood, I still could not shake my underlying feelings of doubt when I was allowed behind the gender curtain. 

As I went through the process, I began to wonder if all human beings go through a form of impostor syndrome in their lives. What I am trying to say is no woman is born a woman. They are socialized through life to achieve the status of women since they were born female. Men also go through the same process. It's the primary reason I had such a difficult time leaving my male past behind because in many ways I had made it to manhood which was miles away from just being another male. I needed to start all over again to travel to my gender goal of transgender womanhood. 

In the meantime, my confidence was building that I had as much right as the next woman to be at special functions. I had just arrived at the same point the other women did by using another path. I was aided also when I calmed down and began to contribute more to the group. I found I had more in common than I thought in this women's only space. Even though, I most certainly did not birth a child, I could bring up my own daughter and grandkids who I was so proud of. I just needed to flip the gender script to relieve myself of any possible impostor syndrome feelings. 

It wasn't just at the girl's nights out when being a gender impostor took a hold of me. Another prime example were the nights when I felt I was doing everything right. My fashion, hair and makeup all were on point and yet there I was wondering what I was doing there at all. I was devastated when I had come so far in my feminine presentation, just to have something else stand in my way. It took me awhile, but I worked my way through it all and put impostor syndrome in my rear-view mirror.

On the increasingly rare occasions when I encountered any resistance from the public, I finally came to the conclusion they were the true gender impostors. It was very clear to me why men left me alone as they were so insecure in their own sexuality. On the other hand, most cisgender women were more secure and not afraid to reach out to me. Especially interesting to me was the interaction I had with the lesbian community. Most of the lesbians I had a positive experience with had past encounters with men, so I was not so far from a person they would consider knowing. I learned quite early in my experiences in public, the various levels of the lesbian society. In fact, my first date with a man was with a very masculine lesbian on his way to becoming a full-fledged transgender man. Many times, the more masculine the lesbian, the more interest they showed in me. They were certainly not gender impostors.

Real life gender impostors are everywhere in this increasingly hostile world. We don't need insecure people in power using transgender women and trans men as crutches to increase their own power. 

From Obsession to Passion

 

Image from Kayshawn Herandez
on UnSplash. 

For years I considered my desire to cross dress was more an obsession than anything else.

Similar to many of you, I started my path to femininization innocently enough by rummaging through my mom's clothes. Whatever I could fit into was fair game for me. The pleasure of the overall experience soon turned into an obsession. When I returned home from school and was alone, I locked myself into the bathroom and got busy with mom's clothes and makeup. 

Even though I was wrapped up in my obsession at such a young age, doubts snuck through and slowly became evident. The biggest doubt was I was more than just a cross dresser. I wanted to be so much more. Such as the totality of being a girl. Looking back, it was sad I did not have more information on gender issues because I would have discovered and hopefully faced up to the fact, I was more transgender than cross dresser. 

As I trudged forward through life, I stubbornly held on to the best I could to my largely unwanted male ways as I idolized the girls around me. Thinking they had all the assets in life. Primarily the one in which they did not have to be forced to serve in the military during the Vietnam War as I did. Why did girls not have to serve, and I did, made me quite bitter. However, there was nothing I could do about it, so off to serving three years in the Army I went. 

As soon as I was honorably discharged from the military, I began to restart my cross-dressing obsession in earnest. Off came my Army mustache and on came the blond wig. Since my first wife knew I cross dressed and did not really care, I was able to do more exploration into the world of fashion, wigs and makeup. In essence, I was making up for all the lost time (three years) I had in the Army when I could not cross dress. The lone exception was a Halloween party when I dressed as a prostitute. The one night of bliss hardly made up for the three years of staying away from my obsession to at the least appear as a woman. 

When I finally had the courage to try out the world as my increasingly evident feminine self, my focus began to change from obsession to passion. I spent every spare moment daydreaming of how it would be to try out what I was doing as a man to a woman. During this time, gender reality shifts turned out to be a major point of my life. Especially when I actually began to live out my gender dreams.

What I did then was set up mini gender "bucket lists" to attempt to conquer. I say attempt because several were ill-advised and nearly impossible to accomplish. One in particular led me down a dangerous safety path when my male security privilege was lost. I almost learned the hard way not to be on dark city streets out of my car unescorted. Even though, I was still stubborn about my passion, I learned I needed to be careful. When I went back to the area where I was approached at night, I made sure I asked one of my transgender man friends to escort me. It was a new experience to ask for help. 

My passion to be a full-time transgender woman took me through gender affirming hormones and changes I never thought possible. I was grateful I was medically cleared to take the meds by a doctor at the advanced age of sixty.   

I am also grateful to be living my passion now with a wife who loves me very much. I took over a half a century to get there but I switched a basic obsession to a fulltime passion, and I never looked back. 

Why Not Me?

 

Image from Danielle
la Rosa Messina on
UnSplash

Going through life, I was very insecure concerning many things.

I always had a difficult time excelling at all in things such as sports because I was so insecure about winning. If I did not, which was common, I could run home and hide behind my makeup and pretty dresses and pretend I was a girl and all the pain of losing went away. Then, the more I cross dressed, the insecurities began to sneak in there also. Was I presenting well enough and how would I ever know if my only contact was between me and my mirror. I thought I looked presentable, but would the world agree and what if I looked like a clown in drag.

It took me years to even acquire the basic wardrobe and fashion I needed to even get myself a fair shake with my feminized presentation. All along, my lifetime dream was to be a woman, and I was so far away. I did try to make an excuse to cross dress and come out to a friend once, but it was a dismal failure when he was embarrassed and turned away. The whole experience sent me running back to my gender closet and slamming the door. I did not know what my next move would be.

Life went on for me and the desire to possibly living my feminine dream never went away. In fact, it became stronger and stronger. When I could, I made "investments" in better fashion, wigs and makeup which really helped me advance my overall presentation. As I did, I gave the public another try to see how I faired in the world out of my closet. I needed to put aside all my insecurities, gather up all my courage and give it a go. 

Initially, my path was a bumpy one, full of false stops and starts. I was flying blind with no handbook to help me, and it showed. During too many nights in failure, I had to run home in tears wondering if I was on the right path at all. Somehow, the faint voice of my inner feminine soul could be heard telling me not to give up as there were better times ahead. I listened, pulled up my big girl panties and managed to move forward as I discovered a better life as a novice transgender woman. 

I discovered the best way to combat my insecurities was with confidence. I resolved to never let the world see me sweat. First, it would ruin my makeup and second, if someone had a problem with me, it was their problem, not mine. I had put an incredible amount of time and effort into being the new transgender woman I was becoming, and I would be dammed if I was going to give it up easily to some bigoted transphobe. All the years of losing weight, learning makeup and skin care just could not go to waste as I chased my insecurities about living fulltime as a transgender woman. 

Still, I wondered, would I ever be good enough to join the world of women and would it be what I expected it to be. 

Unexpectedly, I received a giant push from women friends I found and cherished. With their help, I was able to put my insecurities behind me and become a part of a world I had only dreamed of. Why not me, became you can do it and I succeeded in my path into transgender womanhood. 

Nobody Understood

 

Virginia Prince

What really hurt me when I first realized I had gender issues was when I had no one to share them with. I was all alone with my problems, or so I thought.

I lived in fear of discovery all the time from my parents or my slightly younger brother. Even then, I knew discovery meant an unpleasant trip to a psychiatrist. The closest friend to me who may have shared a few of the same feelings, ended up moving away. With him, both of us were allowed to experiment wearing his mom's old clothes and putting on her makeup. It was the closest I would ever come to having anyone to share my true life with. Ironically, we never talked about the cross dressing we were doing. We just did it. 

As I said, my friend and his family ended up moving far away and years later, I often wondered if he had any gender issues too which stayed with him. Plus, as I always point out, I spent my youth and the years leading up to college in the information "dark ages", or the time before the internet became so popular along with social media. All I had was my cherished copies of Virginia Prince's "Transvestia" publication to get me by. At the least, "Transvestia" showed me there was a community of others with the same gender leanings I had. Also, in my well-worn issues I saw meetings or mixers within driving distance of me which I could go to. I was excited when I learned I could actually meet other self-proclaimed transvestites in person. The problem was, once I learned I could meet them, was I brave enough to do it. 

You all know, I was brave enough to meet them but then I encountered another problem. No one at the mixers still seemed to understand me. I was too much of a woman for the cross dressers and not enough of one for the transexuals. This was back before the transgender term and meaning was even used and popularized, so once again, I was stuck with no one to understand me.

Finally, the world began to catch up with me and I understood where I was when it came to the cross dresser - transgender community. Even better, with the help of the internet and social media, I began to stay in touch with others with similar views. Suddenly, in many ways, everybody had some sort of an understanding about how I felt. It may have taken me a lifetime to do it, but I made it into the only community who knew what I went through.  

Maybe the problem with the world as we know it these days has been influenced by people who have never met a transgender woman or trans man at all. To understand a trans person, it certainly helps to have followed a similar path. Even briefly. 

In recent years, I went from no one to understand me to having a whole group of people who have not taken the time to even accept me on a basic human level. It seems, I have gone full circle to arrive nowhere.