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| Image from Norbert Toth on UnSplash. |
As a youth growing up, I found myself embracing the world of sports to cover up any lingering feelings of wanting to be a girl. Plus, being a jock of any kind helped keep the bullies away when I needed it the most. Why would they think a defensive end on the football team would ever want to be feminine in any way?
Little did they know, the time I spent longingly looking
over to watch the cheerleaders practice was much more than admiring their short
skirts and tight tops. My desire was in no way sexual; I did not desire any of
the cheerleaders that way, I just wanted to be them. Happily, my cover
worked and to the outside world I appeared to be a “normal” boy with normal
hobbies such as sports and cars.
It was my rendition of having my own gay beard as described
here on “Wikipedia”: “Often, the term was used in the early to mid-20th century, used by homosexual individuals to conceal one's
sexual orientation through the disguise of a heterosexual relationship.” I was
not gay but needed sports to conceal the fact I was a cross dresser. My “beard”
worked and got me through school very much unscathed. My gender closet was
secured.
I was able to play football until I was hurt twice in my
junior year and there was no place on the team for an injured slow defensive
end and no matter how much dreaming I did, I could never make it as a
cheerleader either.
Along the way, my love of sports became ingrained in me as
much as the desire to be a transgender woman. If I can describe the love of
sports I had, it was like a big set of luggage I was carrying from one gender
to another when I needed to figure out what I could take with me.
It was about that time in my life when I was leaving my
gender closet and looking around, that I began to see other women who shared my
passion for sports. Just maybe, I could drop my beard and bring along what
could be one of the most important pieces of baggage I had in life. If I was
careful, and set myself up of success, it could quite conceivably be me as the
woman at the bar watching her favorite team on one of the big screens. While I
would not be a jock in a dress, I could be one in a football jersey.
Even better was when I was able to befriend a couple other
cisgender women who were sports fanatics like me. We would get together often
to watch games and harass each other when our team lost. It all led me to one
of my proudest moments when I was invited to a NFL Monday Night football game
in Cincinnati. I was still quite new to the world as a transfeminine person, so
I was very scared, but I accepted her invitation to go. I had made the big time
in my quest to have brought my passion for sports with me into my transgender
world. Except for my team losing, I ended up having a great time and the whole
experience really built my confidence in my new life.
While I never became exactly a jock in a dress, I did
become one in makeup, leggings and boots. All along, I had my doubts about
where my journey would take me and how I could get there. But I never missed
most of the male baggage I needed to leave behind as I embraced the transgender
future I was looking at. Maybe I was fortunate in that the world around me was
catching up to an expanded role for women in the world as I was entering it. Whatever
the case, it made my transition so much easier.
Also, I did not do it by myself, I had women friends to
show me the way. They just happened to share many of the same interests I did. I
mention them a lot, but I would feel bad if I didn’t give credit where credit is
due.
Plus, from the comments I receive, I know I am not alone in
utilizing sports to use as a “beard” in your life to cover up your gender issues.
I remember one comment from a reader saying she used football shoulder pads to
cover up the gynecomastia breast growth they went through early in life. Proving
for many of us experiencing gender issues, hiding them can take many paths.
