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| Image from Danijel Skabic on UnSplash. |
Also quite early, I thought I was the crazy one because of
my deep-seated desire to be a girl when I was being forced into being a boy
from birth. Little did I know, I was destined to become a late gender
transitioner in life and must deal with my own form of insanity for fifty
years, before I had the courage to do something about it and get off the same
old gender road I was on.
As I traveled, it seemed like I was getting better than ever
at finding every bump, curve and pothole along the way. Possibly, I was
attempting to make my male to female journey even harder, just to prove I could
do it. As I like to say, my gender workbook was blank and everyone around me
could tell it. Plus, when I first began to get serious about trying out my
feminine self in the world, the only outlet I had were the annual Halloween parties
I went to. Early on I tried to dress sexy/trashy and then after a couple of
years built myself up to trying to present as a cisgender woman at the party. Which
surprisingly I was able to do way back when I was still into Halloween as my
outlet from the same old gender road.
The best part was, I was able to locate side roads along the
way as I was able to present better in the world as a transgender woman. The
side roads enabled me to explore different rabbit holes and dead ends to see if
I could survive in a new exciting environment. When I had the courage to do it,
the road actually smoothed out for me, and I enjoyed myself more than I could
ever dreamed I could. Even with all new gender euphoria I was experiencing, I still
had to be more careful than ever that I did not crash and burn my male life…yet.
I still needed him and what he could provide such as all the male privileges he
had worked so hard to earn.
One way or another, I was definitely not on the same old
road as I continued to experiment with living as a transfeminine person. I made
mini bucket lists of the new things I needed to accomplish each day as a
transgender woman and set out to do them. The list could be as small as working
on a more feminine walk, all the way to going to a new venue I had never been
to before as a trans woman. More often than not, I found the world accepted me
as just another woman and did not really care. The whole experience was a
confidence booster and enabled me to travel roads which were not the same old
ones I was experiencing as a man. One of the main road twists I always mention
was when I was able to escape the gay venues I was going to and finding other
lesbian or straight venues which supported me.
Suddenly, I was having so much fun choosing all the new roads
I found, I had a difficult time deciding where I was going to go. I never
thought I was any good at road building until those exciting days when I was
finding myself in the world. Some nights, I even felt like I was on some sort
of a feminine interstate highway with all the interaction I was having with
cisgender women I ran into. Sadly, I finally needed to slow down before I
wrecked and burnt myself out, but not before I experienced more than I ever
thought I could. My dream life was right down the road, if I could just reach
it. I stopped, looked around and I found, all those years thinking I was crazy because
of my gender issues were wrong, and I should have listened to myself long ago
and I would not have to gone down all the rabbit holes I went down and then being
stopped at dead end streets to prove to myself I was still the man I never
was.
I was never good at auto mechanics as a man, and it showed when
I tried to keep driving down the same old gender roads. As a transgender woman,
I was able to take the pressure off driving down the same old roads.
