You being You or Playing up Being Different as a Transgender Woman

JJ Hart

At first glance, the statement of what makes you, you, seems like an easy one to answer. Especially if you are not transgender. Because you are in the majority and not perceived as being different.

For cisgender women or men, lives are set up to be lived in a certain pattern from birth till death. Using a baseball reference, life throws you a real curve ball when you are trans. Because you are different and often pay the price. The sad part is, for the longest time, we have such a hard time explaining to others our gender issues when we don’t understand them ourselves. In my case, it took me years to come to the conclusion I was not a man cross dressing as a woman, I was a woman cross dressing as a man, and I was not stuck with some sort of a weak excuse such as I was a woman stuck in a man’s body.

I grew up in a semi-dysfunctional family which valued being different. Until it infringed on what mom and dad thought was right. So having their oldest son want to be their daughter would never have been accepted. Or that was way too different for them to understand. I basically went on with my life knowing I was different and not knowing the information I needed to know if anyone else felt the same way.

Before I knew it, I was on the path to male privilege if I just did my best to earn it. The only problem was, I did not want to be on it. It was as if some invisible force was keeping me there against my will. Sometimes, it was easier not to expend my energy fighting my gender issues than to actually begin to leave my mirror and seek out attention in the world. It was only then did I begin to learn if my transgender dreams could ever become a reality or would forever remain a dream until I die. I just knew, both of my parents had lived relatively long lives so I should have time enough to do what I wanted.

In the meantime, I did what was expected of me. Such as reproducing an offspring daughter, earning two college degrees and serving my country in the military. I was not different than many of the other men around me, and life was a blur during this time. The worst part was, I was still not coming any closer to learning if I had any possibility of living my transgender dreams other than the occasional Halloween party. I was still paranoid that others around me would learn of my gender difference and often I would wake up in the morning wondering if I was a man or a woman. Which certainly set my day off on the wrong foot and I am not even adding in the vivid dreams I was having when I was a pretty woman. It would often take me hours to fully return to the disappointing relationship I had with my life as a man.

All the relationship did was continue to cement my unwanted claim of being a semi-successful man. I often wonder what I could have accomplished if I could have given my male self the full attention he sometimes deserved. Not the partial attention he received when I was inwardly thinking of what my life would be like if I could live it as a transfeminine person. It was as if something was telling me to put the brakes on acquiring any extra baggage as a man that I would have to get rid of when and if I was able to transition from male to female. It turned out, the learning curve I went through as a male helped me anyhow as a transwoman, because I was a stronger person. Which really came in handy on those lonely nights when I was out trying to be myself and not the self that made me different.

It was not until I made my gender differences an accepted part of me did I begin to experience success with finding new friends in the world. Since I could not deny what I was, why not utilize me to make me more attractive and I don’t mean in the physical sense. I was like other cisgender women who may not be the most attractive woman in the room but there was something about them which set them apart with their inner glow. I knew if I could harness my inner glow, I could go much farther in life and dispel for good that there was any dreaming left for me to do.

Literally without thinking about it I had crossed the line and transitioned again. I had went from being a serious cross dresser all the way to being a transgender woman and then to being just me. I had spent all the time around the cisgender women that I knew for them to accept me as an equal behind the gender curtain and I did not have to feel any different any longer. I did not have to seek out a mirror to reinforce in my mind who I was. I had sorted my male baggage and kept what I wanted and discarded the rest, so I was ready for my next big challenge which was being approved for gender affirming hormones or HRT. When my body took to them so naturally, I was able to take another big step towards doing away with what made me different from other ciswomen around me. In fact, I wondered what hormones some of the mean women I knew were on. They must have had an overdose of testosterone somehow in their diet.

While it is often difficult to emphasize the differences which make you different as a transgender woman or trans man in today's world, your differences can still be a positive influence when someone gets to know the real you.

 

  

A Musical Interlude

 

AFTN Image. I am on the left and Dave
Mallett is on the right taking a break, Circa 1972. 

I have mentioned many times that I started my working career as a radio DJ on local AM “Top40” stations all the way to entertaining the military on American Radio and Television stations in Thailand and Germany.

During that time, I developed a great attachment to various forms of music including the blues which I suffered from at the time from untreated Bi-Polar depression. Then I began to feel the music deeper than ever before and it helped me to overcome the deep issues I had from my gender dysphoria.

Ironically, out of the clear blue sky yesterday, I heard one of those songs which had affected me so deeply. Actually, I saw “Rascal Flatts” perform their remake of “Life is a Highway” by “Tom Cochrane” on a New Years Eve show I was watching this year.  When I did, the memories from the late 1970’s/early 80’s came flooding back to me when I heard these lyrics for the first time:

“Life is a highway
I want to ride it all night long
If you're going my way
I want to drive it all night long”

I was in Columbus, Ohio finishing up yet another exciting evening of partying with friends at a small diverse cross-dresser-transgender mixer I was at. When I heard the song, it was one of those magic moments when I had the lights of the Columbus skyline in my rearview mirror and nothing but open road ahead to collect my thoughts about the evening. It seemed all my senses were at their highest possible point as I savored the summer evening and for once did not think of everything which would come up in the future when I crashed back into my unwanted male life. All I knew was I wanted to drive the transgender highway I was on all night long and never lose the feelings I was experiencing. With lyrics such as this:

“Life's like a road that you travel on
Where there's one day here and the next day gone
Sometimes you bend, sometimes you stand
Sometimes you turn your back to the wind
There's a world outside every darkened door
Where blues won't haunt you anymore
Where the brave are free and lovers soar
Come ride with me to the distant shore”

I really wanted to ride to the distant shore but was not certain how I was going to get there. So, I relied on music to dull the gender pain I felt daily except when I was stepping out to feel what a feminine lifestyle would mean for me.

Yet another song which reflects so deeply what I was feeling is the classic “Nights in White Satin” by the “Moody Blues”. Again, here are a couple of brief excerpts from the song if you have never heard it:

“Nights in white satin, never reaching the end
Letters I've written, never meaning to send
Beauty I've always missed, with these eyes before
Just what the truth is, I can't say anymore”

Most certainly, I was at the point where I could not say what the truth was about my gender at that time. I was at my peak of being non-committal about where I wanted to go in my life. Should I sell it all off for what I could get as a man and start all over again as a transgender woman was my dilemma. Was I missing the beauty with my eyes before. And here was the hardest part, spelled out for me so well by the “Moody Blues”:

“Gazing at people some hand in hand
Just what I'm going through they can't understand
Some try to tell me thoughts they cannot defend
Just what you want to be you will be in the end”

That was the hard part. Did I want to be a transfeminine person, pay the dues and achieve my goals in the end. It turned out I did achieve my dream later in life when I could not take living as a man any longer, so what I wanted to be, I was in the end. And what about those people who tried to me their thoughts they cannot defend? They were so difficult sometimes to overcome.

I am sure, with the amount of music which has been produced over the years, you have music which profoundly speaks to you and your gender issues too. Sometimes I feel. Since we transgender women and trans men go through such profound changes in our lives, we may feel the music deeper than our non-trans counterparts.

In the meantime, we are stuck on Cochranes highway. Riding it all day as well as all night long.

 

Resolutions

 

Image from Nik on UnSplash.

I am a firm believer that most new year’s resolutions are made to be broken. Statistics say that nearly eighty percent of people never keep resolutions.

On the other hand, in my formative transgender years, I ended up making several resolutions that I intended on keeping. But by now you might be able to guess which ones I am talking about. The further I was going towards being able to live the feminine life I always dreamed of, the easier it was for me to set new resolutions to conquer in the upcoming year ahead.

Very early in my gender journey, it was easy to set easier goals such as getting out of my dark closet and into the world. I figured from there I could look around and see what was next. What was next proved to be terrifying, natural and exciting all at the same time. More and more I felt bored by the old idea that all I wanted was a chance to be a woman on my own terms. It got to the point where I did not have to make any resolutions which I would have to break. I was doing a good job at living out the ones I had already made. Ironically, I missed several resolutions I should have made but did not. Such as when I did not see my second big gender transition coming at all. It was when I shifted gears mentally and began to think of myself as being transgender and not a cross dresser at all. To this day, I have nothing against all cross dressers (since I was one for years) but my gender needs took me deeper.

Of course, going deeper into my transgender rabbit hole, brought out the need for new resolutions. The old shallow ones such as could I exist in a ciswoman dominated world no longer were making it. I was way past all of that and needed to find out once and for all if I could carve out a new life for myself that I had only dreamed of. You might say, reality of life began to outstrip my dreams as well as the need for more resolutions. At that point, I quit making them all together.

It was easier to go free form in my transfeminine pursuits and do the best I could. It turned out that for the most part I was successful and continued on feeling good about myself. Until the usual problems arose with my unapproving wife and a male self who continued to dominate a big portion of my everyday existence. As I thought more and more about them, I wondered what I would ever do about setting up more resolutions about changing my life for good and jumping the male to female femininization border.

I don’t think until you have walked a mile in our high heeled shoes as a transgender woman would you understand the relative importance of making new year’s resolutions. While others are thinking about losing weight or cutting back on their drinking, you (on the other hand) are wondering what in the world are you ever going to do about becoming a full-fledged transgender woman. It is especially difficult when someone you know asks you what your resolutions are and you don’t want to lie.

At that point, I just went back to my default position I used when anyone asked me about my future. When I was a kid, instead of saying one day I wanted to be a woman, to please my parents I just said I wanted to be a lawyer or doctor. Seemingly, nothing changed later in life when I was asked about my resolutions, I would just say to lose more weight or make more money. So, I lied and took the easy way out. There was one way I could tell the world the truth at that point in my life. Then I started to wonder how many other people who spoke of their resolutions on new year were fudging their answers too. All those people who rushed out to join a gym never really meaning to go like I did once. As I think about it, going to workout in any shape or form was yet another gender smokescreen I threw up to disrupt anyone who was sensing my transgender issues.

Overall, I wonder how many other trans women or trans men have had to try the same method and any sort of a public call for a resolution or two is just another way to hide while you are on your path. One of the statistics which I have read on resolutions said that only twenty percent of people making resolutions keep them anyway, so I don’t feel so bad about not making them anymore. And who knows how many of those making resolutions are closeted transgender people anyway?

Looking back, the only advice I could give to a trans person still in the closet thinking about the new years and making resolutions is to try to make yours doable and don’t try for too much. Failure only leads to disappointment and a deeper return to your closet.

Anyway, you cut it, a new year is on the way, and we have a chance to sweep away a very disappointing 2025 out the door. Just keep your head high and hope for the best in 2026. At the least we will have a chance to vote and change a very crooked regime in Washington. Something you can do from the privacy of your closet, and no one will have to know and if you do make resolutions and don’t keep them you will be in the majority of the population for a change. A real rarity.

 

 

 

 

Gender is a Basic Human Instinct

 

JJ Hart, Birthday Dinner.

One of the most basics of human instincts is gender. It comes with us at birth and is then (right or wrong) reinforced by our families. External factors kick in to put us in a tight gender box and keep us there. How we are treated as boys and girls, goes a long way in how our future is shaped. In my mind boys were always told to get out there and conquer the world while girls were coddled in a pretty world. It took me decades of interactions with ciswomen to learn that was not true. In their own ways, women face the same competitive challenges as men, just coming from different angles or perspectives. I told one of the experiences I had yesterday when I waded into the ciswomen’s world for the first time and discovered how brutal passive aggressive behavior could be.  

Examples include boys competing more physically with each other while girls learn to compete just as hard but in a more passive nature. One way or another, gender as an instinct is ingrained into us quite early in life and is difficult to change. One of the reasons transgender women and trans men are so misunderstood in the world today. Not to mention the fact that we are very rare, and very few people have ever met a transgender person. I know my parents from the “greatest generation” were not great enough with me to understand how their first-born son wanted to be their daughter. Taking a page from the great Christmas movie “A Christmas Story”, I never wanted the BB Gun that “Ralphie” wanted in the movie, but I got one anyhow. Instead of the baby doll I really wanted. All my gender instincts were kicking in although I was not sure I knew exactly what was going on, I knew something was definitely wrong.

It was not until I began exploring the public as a novice cross dresser or transgender woman, did I start to understand what was going on with my own gender instincts. Facing up to the fact I never belonged in the male world as an active participant at all never came easy for me. Mainly because I had worked so hard to survive in a gender I did not want to be. To make matters worse, I was becoming more of a success in the male world. Even though I was so self-destructive I kept tearing down all the successes I kept building up as soon as I achieved them.

In my case, I think the war I waged with my internal gender instincts was much worse than the battles I faced for acceptance as a transfeminine person in the public’s eye. Even though they were major hurdles, obstacles such as confidence and impostor syndrome were holding me back. It seemed no matter how successful I was in my new world, I still felt like an impostor or outsider looking in. It took me quite a while to overcome my doubts and feel like I had as much right as the next woman to be in the space I was in. Over and over, I felt I was growing up into the woman I was always destined to be. It was just taking me longer to do it because of many external factors such as a whole train load of male baggage I had managed to accumulate in my life.

Along the way too, I was becoming a keen observer of the public’s gender instincts. Primarily ciswomen who for some reason had no problem with me as men nearly completely left me alone. By doing so, I was able to read other women like I had never been able to do before. Slowly but surely, my life began to turn full circle. Instead of going out to be alone, I was going out to socialize with other women who were mainly lesbians. They taught me a whole different set of gender instincts, mainly revolving on where I stood with the other half of the population, men. While other transgender women I knew were struggling to be validated by a man, I was flourishing when I was validated by women. It obviously is not a world which worked for everyone, but it worked for me.

With all the help I was receiving, I made it to a point where I did not consider myself trans when I was out in the world. I was just me, and I had all the confidence to go with it. It took me over a half a century to completely figure out my gender instincts, but I did it with some powerful help such as HRT or gender affirming hormones. The meds I was approved for helped me to understand what ciswomen go through in their lives such as hot flashes and other effects of female puberty. When I tried to talk about it to my women friends all they did was laugh and say welcome to their world. What I could not say was how happy I was to be there.

Cracking the code of human gender instincts is very difficult to do because it is so deeply ingrained in all of us and in many ways, it is a selfish thing to do. It takes a special person to understand when you have to immerse yourself in the other binary gender to just survive in life. If you are blessed to have found such a person, be sure to cherish and hang on to them because they are so rare.

In the meantime, keep your head on a swivel and be on the outlook for ways to improve your gender instincts. It is a difficult process and never one to be taken lightly. For me, at least it was a lifetime journey to finally discover something I already knew I refused to accept. I had my gender identity totally backwards and ended up paying the price for years. Just because I was afraid to face myself.

 

 

Is There Really a Difference between Genders?

 

Image from Pea on UnSplash. 

Yesterday, I briefly wrote about how I saw the world differently when I went out for the first time to view Christmas decorations at Clifton Mill, Ohio as my feminine self. I said something to the fact that my senses seemed to heighten as I viewed all the decorations and people around me. To me, the whole evening was brighter and more festive than when I viewed it as a man, wondering how it would be to do the same thing as a woman.

Little did I know the experience would prepare me for later life as I progressed along my gender path. Perhaps, initially, the new senses I felt were psychological in nature because I was still years away from actually changing my gender hormonal balance from male to female when I added HRT or gender affirming hormones to my system. Which means, I guess, if I was in some sort of a scientific gender study, I would not have needed the hormones to increase my femininity at all. Which would be good news to all of you who for medical or spousal reasons cannot consider HRT.

One way or another, I felt a real difference in my world when I entered it as a woman rather than a man. If I was cold, I could react accordingly and not have to be macho and try to ignore it is a prime example. Then, quite possibly, the biggest change of all was what I was going to wear. I had so many fashion choices I could barely make up my mind. It seemed I was only limited to what I could afford to shop for and buy. The sensory feeling of the clothes was wonderful, and I just loved the big, warm, fluffy sweaters I was able to wear because they were in fashion at the time and paired perfectly with my denim mini skirts I was able to find at my favorite thrift store. I discovered that I was perfectly comfortable when I wore a pair of tights or even leggings with my sweater/skirt combo in cool Ohio weather.

Even though the clothes did make a difference for me, the buzz quickly went away and the reality of what I was attempting set in. I have always believed that attempting to change the human gender is one of the most difficult things a person can attempt because there are so many roadblocks in the way.  Such as current misunderstandings of trans women or trans men’s lives. No matter how you cut it, it is just difficult to explain to a “civilian” what is going through our minds when we made the monumental decision to jump the gender border. What could possibly go wrong? Ha ha!

Sometimes, we end up surprising even ourselves with the gender changes we have to go through to be successful. As we begin to earn our way behind the actual gender curtain into woman only spaces, we begin to see and feel all the real differences there are. I know my first girl’s nights outs were real eye openers for me. I had no idea of how ciswomen interact with each other when there were no men around. The differences were real, and I cherished my chances to experience them. So much more than even my new one on one communication challenges with ciswomen strangers in the world.

As I approached the idea that I could actually take the opportunity to attempt to go on gender affirming hormones, naturally I knew it was a huge step forward in my transfeminine development. First of all, there were the health consequences of a sixty-year-old male starting to reverse the hormones he had lived with successfully for all those years Plus, back in those days, there were many naysayers preaching about the possible damage female hormones could cause on the body. Fortunately, I found a doctor who did not believe in all of that, and he approved my HRT. When I started the meds, I felt an almost immediate change. It was certainly what the doctor ordered, and I was rapidly increased to higher dosages of my precious new medications.

I felt great when my external changes such as breast development started to happen faster than I expected and was even more surprised at the internal changes I was feeling. Like the first night I visited the Christmas lights, when my world softened and became more perceptive, I quickly found myself in a world where I could appreciate everything more. Heat, light and sound in particular affected me more when I ventured out in public to my regular venues.

At that point, all I really knew was I never wanted to go back to the old male life I forced myself to live. I had found my new home.

Gender Professionals

 

Image from Alysha Rosly
on UnSplash.

On occasion, I can just sit back and observe other women. Through my observations, it has occurred to me that some ciswomen are better at being women than others. For example, they walk straighter with their shoulders back and are proud of their femininity.

It has also been my theory that all females do not have the right to claim their femininity or the right to be called women just because they were born that way. Transgender women in particular know that becoming a woman can take many paths and we have can claim our own womanhood when our gender workbook is filled out.

Does it make us gender professionals? No, not in its own right but it does give us a leg to stand on when we are out in the public eye just trying to live our lives. It could be argued that transgender women and trans men must be better than our gender counterparts to get by and stand a chance of becoming gender professionals.

The question could be also, what does being gender professional really mean. I am only one gender conflicted person of course but for me to understand what a gender pro really meant, I needed to go into the world and live it. First, I tried to go to gay venues to see if possibly I was attracted to other men, or would they be attracted to me as a transgender woman. They were not attracted to me in any way and considered me no more than another drag queen on their turf. Which I wanted nothing to do with. Next, I tried the few lesbian venues I could find in the Dayton, Ohio area. There were three, and I found I was hated in one, had a neutral reception in another and was warmly accepted in a third. From the experience I mainly learned the different levels within the lesbian community and was it possible to work my way in at all.

The third and final venues I ended up at were the big sports bars I frequented as a man. In them, I was surprised to learn how quickly I could establish myself as a regular if I did not cause any trouble, learned to smile and then tip well. I learned too, to try to carry myself as a gender professional. Leaving no question of who I really was. I had to learn also carrying myself as a gender professional was completely different from being a gender professional. It meant I could carry myself well if I was wearing a fancy sweater and slacks, or my favorite team’s football jersey with a pair of jeans and boots. I discovered, more than anything else, I needed the confidence to do it and the rest of the world be damned if they did not like me. I was just having fun in the world as my self and taking advantage of all the fashion perks of being a woman.

Even with all the learning I was doing at the time, I still made learning from the ciswomen around me a priority. I figured they held the secrets that I needed to complete myself as a professional woman. The times to talk and communicate and the times to keep quiet and shut up and learn come to mind. You might say, I was exploring all the nuances of being a woman and trying to improve myself at the same time. I was fortunate in that almost all of my friends came from the lesbian community, so I came up with a unique view of the world. Especially around men which I learned did not validate my womanhood.

As you can tell, pursuing my quest to be a gender professional overtook much of my thinking. There was so much happening when I met my wife Liz, and I started to accompany her to her meetings she went to for various reasons. What happened was I had no choice but to expand my horizons again and meet a whole new set of people. When I did, I fell back to all the lessons I had learned about communicating with strangers. Not as a transgender woman but as just me.

Most Importantly, I had built back a portion of the self esteem I had lost as a gender professional growing up. I lost the inferiority complex I had put myself through during the rocky days of coming out earlier in life. Believing in myself for the first time as a transgender woman was all it took to get me by and enable me to become a true gender professional.

 

 

What Makes You...You

 

JJ Hart

Recently, I have taken an informal poll with my wife Liz. We walk a lot and stop to talk to our neighbors quite a bit. Just once I would like to ask the neighbors, we see what makes them, them. Just kidding of course, I can’t imagine doing such a thing in our neighborhood. If I did, I would guess that they would all take for granted their gender and they would look at me as if I was crazy.

Predictably, the women who live on both sides of us are very friendly and the men are rather standoffish to me which brings me to my point of what is up with the men in the world today. First of all, as difficult as it is to being a woman today, in many ways, being a man carries its own set of potential problems. Primarily, having a very fragile idea of their own sexuality. Plus, men are still expected to be primary providers in many families which is added pressure not to lose your job.

For me, growing up, my gender became an early issue, but my sexuality never did as I was attracted to all things woman. At least, in my mind, I had one constant to hang on to about what made me, me.

As I started to grow into myself, I began to understand the differences in what I was facing which were different than the mass majority of the other men around me. When I inwardly did not embrace the male culture, I was born into of competition and posturing, all it caused was extreme mental conflict. Which I am or was sure the other men around me did not have to deal with. Most of my stress was caused by the pressure I put on myself in the highly competitive restaurant business I was in. Even though I was outwardly very successful, inside I wanted to run and hide as my increasingly transfeminine self. At the same time, I wished I could just be like the other men around me and not have to carry around the gender issues I carried. I was resentful either way I turned by not being the ciswoman I wanted to be or the man I always was.

At the same time as all of this was happening, I went exploring in the world as my exciting yet terrified new feminine self. The first move I made was to transition for the second time in my life from being what I perceived as an innocent guy who just liked to look like a woman, all the way to a guy who wanted to be a woman and see if she could interact one on one with other cis women when I was out. Which took me to the fateful evening at TGIF Fridays when I finally decided I had enough of what used to make me, me and wanted a change. As frightened as I was of losing my male privileges, I went ahead with the move, was successful and knew my life would never be the same again.

As I continued my explorations into the new me, I had glimpses of how my life as a transgender woman could be and could not get enough of the learning process, I was a part of. I made it a point to try new situations as a trans woman that I always wanted to be a part of when I was on the outside looking in as a man. I tried gay bars, lesbian bars and even the big sports bars I was familiar with as a guy before I settled into a venue where I was accepted and felt comfortable. In other words, I was involved with learning what made me, me. Something I had been missing my entire life.

I do believe if you are starting your gender journey from scratch these days, you may feel the same sort of resentment I felt when I started, which was something like why me? It was not until I embraced who I really was and learned the benefits of being able to see and live out both sides of the binary gender spectrum. In my case, I needed to put the feminine image I saw in the mirror to the test in the public’s eye to see if I could really pass the public’s scrutiny. Until you get out of your mirror and prepare for the bumps and bruises of your gender path, you will know the truth about yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with going back to being a cross dresser in your closet or a transfeminine person in the world.

As gender challenged transgender women or trans men, we face many uphill battles that other women and men don’t have to face. Such as the basis of our gender at all. It is one of the basics of human nature that we take our gender for granted, but what if we don’t? Then the search starts for who you really are and what makes you, you.

 

 

 

 

Down the Transgender Rabbit Hole

Going down the transgender rabbit hole was difficult for me.

The hole I chose was very dark, and full of dead-end passages before I ever had the chance to see any daylight. As I pursued my long-term dream of living as a woman, I needed to go through quite a few serious changes. In my rabbit hole, there was very little to no help. Especially, any guidance initially from other girls or women around me. It took me years to quit being a victim of my gender issues and make them an opportunity, as I scrambled around my rabbit hole to make it more comfortable.

Of course, it never became more comfortable, and exactly the opposite was true. The further down I dug, the darker my life became. Out of desperation, I searched for my gender daylight. Way past the annual Halloween parties I was going to dressed completely as a woman. Once a year in the public’s eye just wasn’t going to make it for me anymore. I needed other outlets to test how I was doing as a transgender woman. Novice or not. When I was out for the longest time, I felt like the rabbit which was being circled by a hawk. I was so unsure in my new high heels, I could not have run if I had wanted to. I was forced to stay and get abused early on.

I guess I was lucky that my abuse was relatively mild in nature as compared to what it could have been. I was just stared at and laughed at for the most part, until I learned to blend in with the ciswoman world at large. As I did though, I was sent flying down my transgender rabbit hole in tears as my progress was slow. At that point, two things happened. The first was, my hole became my gender safe place where no one could reach me. I was always the pretty girl I wanted to be. The other was the unforgettable sensation of why I was attempting such a crazy journey to start with. I was fairly successful in the male life I never really asked for, so why rock the boat and risk drowning.

Another important lesson I learned was my perception of a woman's life was all wrong. It was like I was watching a slide show on the walls of my rabbit hole when I viewed women. It was not until I tested the daylight of the world, did I realize the truth of what I was about to face. The most important truth I learned was how completely women interacted with men in the world and how innately strong they were. I wondered how and when I could ever fit in as a transfeminine person. I found the only way to learn was to do it and see if I would ever be let in to play in the girls’ sandbox.

To finally make my way into the sandbox, I needed to extend my rabbit hole even farther than I ever had imagined. Since I was always inherently shy, learning to look another woman in the eye and communicate with her was always so difficult for me. It took me years to have the confidence to believe in myself and do it. The most frustrating part was when I thought I had my new life all together, something else would come along to destroy my dream. My rabbit hole had collapsed and needed to be rebuilt. Once I accepted the new challenge of transgender womanhood, I moved on and rebuilt my rabbit hole larger and stronger than ever before.

As transgender women and trans men, we all have our rabbit holes to negotiate. Some are similar, some are not but along the way, we all end up giving away something that is precious to us. Sadly too, some of us discovered our rabbit hole was too deep or built so poorly we had to turn back. I’m referring to the so-called “detransitioners” who the gender bigots and TERFS love to use us as an example of failure in the transgender community. I believe the number of people in the community is much lower than the bigots like to point out, so it doesn’t really matter that much to those of us who have carved out a new life when we left our rabbit holes and carved out a new life.

Sure, it was never easy doing all that work, but in the end, it was so worth it to achieve a dream and stay out of the old hole I had built myself forever.

 

 

  

Be Safe rather than Sorry

 

Toxic male from UnSplash

Before I begin this post, I have a disclaimer. I did not follow what I preached many times when I opened my dark gender closet door and ventured out into the public. I broke many unwritten rules I knew were true.

I will say, the times when I came out were much different than today. Not so much kinder and gentler to transgender women and trans men. Mainly, what I am referring to is the person at the top ruining the nation we have, and I don’t have to mention who he is. Basically, he is the top toxic male who empowers all the other toxic males who potentially can give us trouble. There is a real difference in just being laughed at all the way to being physically attacked.

In my case, as I always mention, my initial problem was drawing attention to myself rather than learning how to blend in with other women. I was fortunate I grew out of that phase quickly before I got into trouble other than just being laughed at.

Another of the main issues I encountered was how I was presenting myself once I was fairly confident, I could get by. What I mean was I was going out primarily as a single woman. Which is primarily something ciswomen just don’t do. They believe there is strength in numbers I just did not have. To make up for it, I tried to make sure I did not sit down next to a man if I could help it, and if there just happened to be a vacant seat, I tried to mark it is as mine. What I tried to do was use my cell phone as my major prop. Especially if it was during the warm weather months when I could not throw my jacket over the seat next to me and reserve it. Often, I would act like I was texting a potential friend on the phone who was going to join me. Anything to throw a toxic male off my path.

 I learned quickly when I discovered how much nonverbal communication went on between women that men knew nothing about. One night I had a prime example when a toxic man tried to strike up a conversation with me at one of the places, I was a regular at. When he did, I received a nonverbal warning from one of the bartenders I knew about him, so I rapidly left the venue before anything happened.

All of those methods I used helped me to survive in a new exciting world as I left the gay venues behind me and started to learn what the real world was all about. All very important points if I was ever going to make it to my dream of living as a transgender woman. My learning experiences turned out to be tremendous.

As I said, times have changed today and so much more is at stake for all of us. Whereas a couple years ago, a stranger would be less likely to say anything to you. These days, all of that has changed. There is more pressure on all of us to put our best foot forward as transfeminine people. I always mention the weight I lost when I first came out. Which helped me to buy more stylish clothes and obviously look better. At the same time, I began a very serious skin program which started every day after I shaved. I was doing as much as I could to improve my overall feminine self. All of it gave me confidence to move forward, which I needed badly.

Finally, I would be remiss if I did not mention the loss of your male personal security when you enter a new feminine world. Don’t take chances with your security by doing the things cisgender women already know. To the best of their ability, they try not to park in dark unmarked areas unless they have strength in numbers. As I read, in some areas, women even have to guard their drinks from toxic men trying to drug them. Can you imagine that? Well, you have to when you go through a male to female transition.

This entire post urges you to be on your game when you come out. Among other things, be careful how you carry your purse in crowded areas. It all adds a level of acceptance as a trans woman which goes far past your basic appearance which of course is important too.

In todays’ world, it is important to know your circumstances at all times, not unlike a cisgender woman who learned what to do around toxic males. Look at it this way, you will be a more complete woman ready to earn your place in today’s world.

 

 

Gender Evolution

 

Image from Kyle
on UnSplash.

After all these years of pursuing a male to female gender transition, I view the process as evolution.

I am biased, but I think I have been fortunate to have lived through all the ups and downs of gender dysphoria to be able to have an up close and personal look at how both of the two main binary genders live. Similar to being able to actually live on the economies of Thailand and Germany when I was in the Army during the Vietnam War. By living on the economy, I mean I received off base housing and food pay from the Army, so I went on base only to work. Seeing how other societies work did wonders for my young self.

It took much longer to do the same thing when it came to my gender issues. I knew they were always there from a very young age, but I had no help to discover what my issues really were. I needed to live my life as a transgender woman to learn what I needed to do to achieve my childhood dream of living as a woman. No being a doctor or lawyer for me, I wanted to be a woman. At the time, I was naïve and thought all I needed to do was work on my appearance in the mirror and I could reach my dreams.

As my gender evolved, I needed to evolve as a person with it. What kind of a woman would I become became a major issue. I could be a standoffish bitchy woman, or a worldly feminine being who enjoyed being herself in the world. Ironically, my male self-helped me to arrive where I wanted to be. He had over the years provided me with ciswoman role models to look up to and try to evolve into overtime. When you added a potent mix of male and female into my personality, I ended up with the perfect mix. Even though I was appearing more and more as a female, my old male self-provided me with a firm base to evolve.

One aspect I do not want to underplay is how long it took me to do all of this. As I evolved, I began to make mental mini bucket lists of things I wanted to do in my exciting yet terrifying transfeminine world. The only problem I had with making bucket lists was I was spending too much time in my male life daydreaming of the next time I could be feminine. All too often, my gender lines blurred, and I needed to make sure I kept my male and female lives separate. It was intensely difficult for me to do as I was increasingly discovering I wanted and could pursue a life as a transgender woman I always had wanted to do and still was unable to do because of the male life I had worked so hard to build. The pressure just kept on building as I continued to try new things as my feminine self. I was in an intensely lonely world at the time as I left my closet.

I evolved to a point where I was able to create an entirely new person from the two, I had left behind. I transitioned again from being a basic weekend cross dresser into an accomplished transgender woman who could blend in with the world at large. Suddenly, I went from being shy and backwards to being confident and aware of my surroundings. Which I found I needed to stay safe in my new world. It was then I found many women were curious and friendly towards me while nearly all the men ignored me. Which I had no problem with as I had evolved past caring what they thought.  They had kicked me out of the men’s club.

As I look back at this time of my life, it seems to be a blur of activity.  Since I had changed my gender outlook in the middle of my life, I was learning from watching my new women friend’s what life was all about. Primarily, since most of them were lesbians, I found I did not need the validation from men to feel good about myself as I fit in with them. Evolution felt so good, I wanted more out of my new life. Again, I was fortunate when my wife Liz approached me online and we struck up a love affair which lasts till this day. I never thought I would ever find someone to love me as a sixty-year-old transgender woman at all, but I did.

My final evolution turned out to be wonderful, and I understand now why all the gender bigots hate us so much. We transgender women and trans men have had the chance to do what they never have had the chance to do. Experience both sides of the binary gender experience. The haters will just have to work their way through it. We have evolved and they have not.

 

               

The Second Time Around

 

JJ Hart (middle) at my first
Girls' Night Out. 

If you are one of the rare human beings to experience a second time around in life, you owe it to yourself and others to live it the best you can.

Being transgender can give you that rare insight into two of the main binary genders which should give you an edge in dealing with the everyday world. Having an intimate knowledge of whatever the other gender maybe thinking of us as trans women or trans men brings out fear in the public's eye. Who are we to possess such a wonderful scope of knowledge anyhow? It is especially bad with the male gender who has such a poor grasp of their sexuality to begin with. I know when I transitioned from male to female, one of my main concerns was my own sexuality. Was I expected to suddenly change my sexual preferences which had always been with women and suddenly start liking men. I even went to the point when I first came out when a straight woman friend of mine told me to buy bananas and practice. I will let your imagination do the rest.

We all know though there is so much more to a gender transition than sex when you set yourself up for the second round in life. I found I was leaving a life as a man where I was mildly successful and entering a totally new world full of women who were able and willing to question my existence in their world at all. Away from men, the women were a complex tribe, and it was difficult for me to be given the access to play with them behind the obvious gender curtains. First and foremost, just looking like a woman just got me in the game and the difficult part was just beginning. I spent hours and hours in the world just learning how to be the new me.

Suddenly, before I knew it, the doors to a totally different world opened for me and I was invited to the girls’ night’s outs. The invites could never replace the learning experiences young girls have when they are in their formative years and they get to go to girls’ overnighters with friends, but they were all I had to attempt to catch up on my gender homework. No chance to experiment with makeup or gossip about boys or other girls.

The main problem was, I had another male life to deal with at the same time. Looking back, I don’t know how or why I put up with all the gender stress and tension I did to make it to my dream. I guess the reason was I did not have the confidence to know if I could make such a major life changing step at all. We all have a lot to lose when we undertake such a step, don’t we? Plus, as I slid towards the idea I could live fulltime as a transgender woman, I was being accused of being selfish. Which made me feel guilty until I finally came to the conclusion I was being selfish. Because I had to save my own life.

As I was accepted into the girls’ sandbox around me by the majority of the women around me, my confidence grew that I could indeed live a second time around life as a transfeminine person. My long hidden inner female took over and surprisingly became a rather social person as I formed bonds with my small group of lesbian friends which was the best of all worlds for me. As I always say, the first and main thing my friends taught me was I did not need a man for validation. Which included my sexuality. All I needed to do was still keep an eye out for the rare bigot who hated me for no real reason. It turned out the haters would have to go through my cisgender friends to get to me, if they wanted to.

At that point in time, I met my wife Liz, and my second time around became easier and easier for me to live up to. I say live up to because I found myself at a point where I always dreamed of being. But I never thought I could make it. Never say never became a reality for me when Liz told me she never saw anything male about me. I was in gender heaven and stayed there until I realized what a heavy burden I needed to face. Here I was with the rare chance for a do over in my life and to not repeat the same mistakes I made as a man.

So far so good I think as I head down the stretch run of my life and I can be thankful for the chance to live two lives regardless of what the gender haters say.

 

Out od Sight...Out of Mind?

 

My wife Liz on left and daughter on right.

Most if not all transgender women and trans men go through phases in their life when they think gender issues are out of sight and out of mind. It is not entirely different than the moves some state legislatures (Ohio) are going through to try to erase us in the public’s eye.

If you read my posts at all, you know how I feel about that. Trans people have always been around and always will be. Attempts to erase us will be futile. On a lesser but just as important level, we try to erase ourselves by purging our lives too. I know the guilt of being a cross dresser or transgender woman became too much for me to handle and I threw out most of my treasured feminine wardrobe and makeup. Out of sight, out of mind I thought.

In the long term and the short term, none of my purges worked because I refused to accept my true self. I had my life all backwards and I was not a man who cross dressed as a woman, but a woman who cross dressed as a man. Until I figured it out, I kept trying to hide the obvious. Of course, it did not help as I started with two gender strikes against me. I went through birth as a male and then had to go through male puberty and suffer from what I called testosterone poisoning. My body kept the bullies away and allowed me to play sports but caused me torment when I was in front of the mirror trying to be a pretty girl.

As life went on, I thought for the most part I had learned to live with my gender dysphoria the best I could. To this day, though, I wished I could be a “normal” male. How much better could my life be if I could socialize with the other males around me without feeling as if I was an outsider. I grew tired of being an actor inside my own skin. The only thing I could do was mentally try to get rid of my feminine self. Taking me full circle back to why I was keeping all those clothes, wigs and makeup anyway. It took me by throwing them away to understand exactly what the problem was. It was not a problem unless I it made one, which I was by purging again.

Deep down I knew I was wrong and very shortly I would be re-stocking my fashion and make up to try my best to present feminine again to myself and the world. However, I was very stubborn and my male self-hung on way too long refusing to give up on his hard-earned male privileges. Life could have been much easier by staying where I was in the gender world, but it was just wrong, and I couldn’t. The more I lived as a transgender woman, the more natural I felt, and I never wanted to go back into the male world I had made the best out of.

Increasingly, the male purge was looking to be the one I was going to attempt to make. I was sick of living a gender lie, and I wanted to reverse my idea of living. I wanted to feel “normal” again but this time around a group of cisgender women. Flipping the gender script on my life was the most difficult thing I had ever attempted to do, but somehow, I made it through the female gatekeepers and did it.

In my new transfeminine life, I was rarely out of sight and out of mind. I had a lot of help to do it who I will never forget. I had spent my whole life chasing a dream and had finally achieved it. As I symbolically and literally gave my male clothes to charity, I stopped to remember the entirety of what I was doing. I was giving up the male side who had dominated me for so long. To be sure, he had served me well, but it was time to go, and this final purge was a triumphant one for my transgender woman who had waited so long to live. After all, she had her life taken away several times when she was purged nearly out of existence.

She survived and so did I and everything in her power to make things better. When I worried how I would be perceived in a new world. She had my back when it mattered, and it did. Even in the days when she had to give me quite a bit of tough love. She had to watch me grow through my ill-advised teen cross-dressing years into a presentation I could be proud of or at least satisfied with.

Out of sight, out of mind never worked for me.