Gender Euphoria

Image from Mohammed Nohassi 
on UnSplash.

During my circle of life which I am fortunate to still be living, there have been tines of intense gender euphoria. Those times seemed on occasion to correspond with  my severe bouts of gender dysphoria. 

Examples of euphoria came when I gathered the courage during a cross dresser-transvestite mixer I attended to have my makeup applied by a professional makeup person. He ended up working miracles on my face and I looked great (in my humble opinion) which was to be proven later that evening. What happened was I ended up tagging along with the "A" list cross dressers or transgender women in the group who always continued the party at an outside venue after the main mixer closed down. The first venue we went to was a large gay and lesbian dance club which I never really liked but I went anyhow. 

During the evening, the group broke up even further and we went to a much smaller venue which I couldn't tell was gay or not. All I knew was I enjoyed the music better and the place had pinball games I could entertain myself with. In a case of timing wasn't everything, about the time the remaining "A" listers wanted to call a cab and leave, I was approached by a handsome man who wanted to buy me a drink and play pinball. It turned out to be one of the pivotal moments of my cross dressing life when I politely declined his invitation and left. I was then forever caught wondering what would have happened if I would have stayed. Primarily I didn't because I would have been stuck in a strange city which I had very little knowledge of with a man I didn't know. On the positive side, I was the only one in the group who was approached by any other patron at all. In that moment my gender euphoria reached one of it's peaks. Perhaps the best part of the experience were the advanced makeup tricks I was able to understand and remember later. 

Of course there were other moments of intense euphoria such as the night I needed to show my male drivers license to be admitted to another transvestite mixer I went to. The greeters at the door thought I just had to be a cis-gender woman. Sadly, with every success I had with these cross dressing experiments, there were the downsides also. Mainly because of my ego which still in many ways was dictated by my old male self. For lack of a better example, every up comes with a down and when I crashed over a gender euphoric high, I was not an easy person to live with. To make matters worse, my crash was so bad, I couldn't keep my mind on anything other than the next time I could cross dress and go out as my feminine self. None of which my second wife approved of. Looking back, I don't see now how our twenty five year relationship survived. 

Regardless of these few and far between gender euphoric moments, I can safely say gender dysphoria ruled my life. Starting with the days when I was a kid wondering if I was a boy or a girl and continuing into and with daily combat with my mirror. Again and again I suffered the gender torment of seeing feminine in the mirror one moment and masculine the next. It was during my darkest moments when I found I could indeed lead a life as a transgender woman that got me by in life, barely. 

By the time I had reached my sixties and had started HRT, I knew I would never have wished my life's journey on anyone else. Going behind the gender curtain and learning life from both sides of the binary gender spectrum had certainly taken a toll on me. On the other hand, the experiences I went through taught me to be a better human being. 

Balancing gender euphoria with massive gender dysphoria in life can be a daunting task and one which should not be taken lightly as it can effect a person's overall mental health. Gender is one of the deepest emotional issues a human can have. It can never be taken for granted it seems with a transgender woman or trans man, unlike a large portion of the rest of the population. Which could be a topic for a future blog post.  

Transgender Ego Revisited

Image from Chloe (I think)

 Recently I received a comment from Amara concerning a post I did in 2011!

Unfortunately she was asking about a dress in a picture I used back then. I didn't know the answer for her. Plus I really don't know where the image came from. Back in those days, I didn't always give credit where credit was due. Which I regret now.

Some other regrets I have now looking back was the ego I needed to deal with when I first came out as a novice cross dresser or transgender woman. I know for certain if I looked back at the overall subjects the blog covered, they were overwhelmingly centered on how I looked. Sadly, I suffered because I was still operating under the impression my male self thought I should look. And, how his ego was effected by how my trans self was treated. 

To make a long story short, her (my) experience wasn't always pleasant and I came home in tears It seemed the mirror was lying to me at every turn. Finally I went back to my cross dressing basics and changed my perspective on going out in the public's eye. As much as I hated to do it, I needed to admit my second wife was right about how I looked. Instead of being the "pretty, pretty princess" as she put it, I needed to learn to tone my look down so I could blend in with other women in the world. 

Ego-wise my outlook changed from emphasizing how my old male self thought I should look in public. Going from worrying what men thought of me, all the way to being able to better interact with the other women I met. Which became very important because the majority of people I met and interacted with were other women. I learned from them women have ego's too, just different from men. A couple times I learned the hard way not to interact too closely with another woman's man or boyfriend and  then needed to treat the claw marks in my back. 

I became a quick learner when it came to dealing with a new transgender world. In my girl's nights outs in learned how the women treated each other with no men around and then how they interacted when men were added in the evening. The change was dramatic. 

As much of a change as my feelings today versus 2011. I can't imagine or put into words all the changes I have gone through. Before I wrap up this post, I did manage to find the dress and image Amara was referring to. Just guessing but I wonder if the person was a candidate in a womanless beauty pageant which used to be prevalent in society and the South before the fervent anti-transgender attacks. Even though I wish I could say I would or could even wear that dress in the photo. it is certainly not me and never was. No matter how hard I tried.

As always, thanks to Amara and all of you who take the time to read and comment to all of my posts. Your input makes my efforts so worth while.   

A Rare Night Out with Family

 

Image from
the Jessie Hart
Archives

After my appointment with my veterans doctor, I forgot my wife Liz and I had agreed to meet up with her son for a rare night out at our favorite Mexican restaurant. 

It was welcome news for me for several different reasons. First of all, the evening was a chance to get out of the house again and experience the world. I spend way too much time in the house. Liz has been encouraging me to get out during the day when she works and  I could write my blog posts and even might encourage me to begin work again on my second book, which I have long put off. So I take responsibility for at least not taking our laptop to a nearby library to write. The move would help me to re-improve my makeup skills as I get out in public again.

Secondly, yesterday, since I had already applied a light amount of makeup for my doctor's appointment at the Veterans Administration, I would just have to lightly update it for my evening out with Liz and her son. Being the basically lazy person I am, it gave me time to catch up with an afternoon nap I need because I am old.

Before we left for the restaurant, Liz and her son had the time to catch up on life, not to mention when we arrived at the restaurant and were seated. The venue is very casual and I even didn't need to change clothes except to add a light fleece jacket/top my daughter gifted me for my last birthday. We had major storms pass through the night before which killed three people not too far away from us in central Ohio and dropped the unseasonably warm spring temperatures we had been experiencing. So the fleece was a welcome addition to my wardrobe. Once we arrived, I noticed the venue was almost full, including many families, which normally is good for me not getting noticed as a transgender woman, just another customer. When I did, gender euphoria set in for me.

Dinner was enjoyable, the food was great as well as the company, the server was just interested in getting us served and on our way, so he did not pay me any extra attention one way or another. Which again was a good thing.

Certainly, getting out again was good for my mental health and well being. Can't wait to do it again. Unfortunately our upcoming appointments are with our doctors. It will be interesting to me to see how the dermatologist's perceive the skin growth I have on my face. It could be nothing or something they are concerned about such as cancer. Which of course concerns me deeply. But I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

Veterans Weekend

 

Civil War Cemetery image from 
the Jessie Hart archives.  

Since I am a veteran of the Army during the Vietnam War era, I feel as if I can expand the observance of Veterans Day to more than one day.

Veterans I think should be recognized for their service as well as their sacrifice. It should be noted many vets joined the military to try to outrun their gender issues. Or, the well worn, the military will make me a man theory. More than a few transgender people tried the same method by getting married and having children. In my defense, I did neither. I was in essence drafted into the military and decided to get married to my first wife just ahead of the birth of my only child. 

Interestingly, since I now live as a transgender woman, most of my friends and acquaintances don't remember at all that I am a veteran. As such, I receive very few thanks from anyone for my service. Then again, it fits right in with my experience as a Vietnam Vet. For those who don't remember or aren't old enough, the war was very unpopular. Even to the point of taking it out on the people who served. I gave my Army uniform to my Mom while telling her I never wanted to see it again. In the years following, I reclaimed it as memories started to fade.

It always bears mentioning, the number of in the closet transgender veterans who never had a chance to escape their gender closets and ended up paying the ultimate cost for their country is tremendous. Veterans Day is just one of several days of the year we should pause to remember those service men and women who paid the ultimate sacrifice for their country. And what would we have without their service. 

Also, I would like to take the opportunity to thank all the other veterans who I know read this blog.  Thanks for your service.

Staying in Your Own Lane

 

Image from UnSplash

Staying in each others own lane has been increasingly difficult for the transgender community. 

Much of our existence changed under the four year rule of a certain former president who brought out hate in our country. All of a sudden, more and more people became less reserved about changing lanes and invading the LGBT world. Recently I have a close friend whose world was invaded by gender bigots crashing her world. It happened at a relatively upscale casual dining restaurant very close to where my wife Liz and I live and I felt so bad for my friend. 

To make a long and personal experience short, her and her wife's dinners were ruined by other patrons who referred to her as a "Fa--ot" and worse, such as religious slurs. In our experience in the venue, I was laughed at once by a server but that was about it. Even then, we felt bad enough about it to never go back. Plus, that was years ago and people and times have changed. So many think it is acceptable to hurt others with their feelings. So now, it could have been so much worse for me. 

I have said or written it many times how fortunate I am to have Liz with me most of the time when I interact with the public. She is approximately the same height as I am and opens many gender doors for me and others have a tendency to stay in their own lanes. An example happened a couple days ago when Liz went to one of her pre surgical appointments. As always, I didn't have any issues in the doctors offices and especially when we went to a nearby coffee shop to order a cup of caffeine and a breakfast sandwich. The coffee shop was very near one of the  local major university campuses, so the extreme majority of the patrons were college students who certainly had no gender issues other than their own.

In other words, all the people I encountered had no reason to leave their own lane and enter mine and I was free to enjoy my own transgender life. 

For all of you who are attempting to live as your authentic gender selves, I hope people stay out of your lane and you can enjoy your life. I know I am preaching to the choir but you deserve a stable and pleasant gender existence. My blog gently weeps for all of you locked in your dark closets or are just out in the world trying to stay in your own lane. I know my basics of being out in the world is easy, be nice to everyone I can and tip well when I need to. I also benefit on occasion from being easily remembered because of how well I present as a transwoman or don't. 

Either way, I am sadly waiting for the day when a gender bigot decides to veer out of their lane and into my own. 

Thank You All!

Image courtesy Howie R
on UnSplash

First of all, I would like to thank all of you who checked in and commented on my post about going to my endocrinologist recently. One of many responses came from Joanne (Jo):

"I'm fortunate in that I can see the results of my hormone checks before because the lab sends them to me as well and so I usually get them several days before my appointments. It will be interesting to see if my T levels stay stable post-GCS now that I am no longer taking Cyproterone to block. They are slightly higher than before surgery, but very slightly and that the very bottom for the range for cis women. On the plus side, my cold tolerance has improved a touch.

Good luck on the check up!"

Thanks for the comment and yes the visit did go very well. So well in fact, she set my next visit for a year from now. I was seeing her every six months. Plus Jo brings up a point we don't discuss much in the Condo, the regimen required when a person is ready to undergo "GCS" which I assume meant gender change surgery. I am far from an expert since I don't plan on undertaking any serious gender realignment surgeries at this late stage of my life. As far as hormonal levels go, I also have been at the very bottom testosterone level for years now. So much so, I have cut back my dosage of Spiro in half. Spiro is another med prescribed to limit testosterone levels. 

Through all the comments, I would be remiss if I did not mention the input from those who could not undertake any hormone replacement therapy due to recent of reoccurring health problems. A few even indicated they had naturally high levels of estrogen in their body so HRT was not really needed. A wonderful predicament to be in if you don't have to ingest any extra medications into your body. 

To finish off the news concerning my "Endo", all went so well, she was able to access my recent blood lab results without a problem from the Veteran's Administration website I am a part of. The problem I used to have was I was actually seeing two VA clinics and or hospitals and my records kept getting mixed up. The problem was finally solved and I was ready to move on.

Since I have entered the senior citizen part of my life, I realize the greatest gift you can receive is the gift of health. The gift of health is followed closely by having a loving spouse and or family member. I am so fortunate to have both. My daughter is completely accepting of my status as a transgender woman as is my recently married wife who I have known for over eleven years now. 

Plus, while I am on the subject of thankfulness, I need to thank all of you who read my writings on one of the two platforms I write on. Either "Google Blogger" or the paid "Medium" site which costs the reader fifty dollars a year for unlimited access to content. I don't thank all of you enough. Your comments and participation of any sort make the process so worth it. Thanks again!

No One Does it Better

In the transgender vast blogger universe, in my opinion, no one writes a better blog than Stana at Femulate.

As an example, here is her fabulous Holiday greeting card. Virtual of course:

I know many of you here in the Condo also visit her on a regular basis, so I am speaking to the choir. But  I know what the demands of writing a daily blog present to a person, so I respect the work Stana puts in even more. Also when I think I have been a blogger for ten years now (or so) I have even bigger respect for people who have been doing it longer than I. Again that is Stana.

Happy Holidays to my favorite blogger!
 

Why Do I Write

 

Image Courtesy Aaron Burden
on UnSplash

As I took on the challenges years ago of writing a daily transgender non fiction based blog, many questions came about. During the years, often who my audience was began to change. Initially I thought my readers would be primarily transitioning gender women and men who may be able to benefit from the lessons I learned. I mentioned transgender men because I know of several who read the blog including one who was my first date with a guy. It was quite the experience. I added non fiction because I see so many fantasy based blogs with their filtered pictures, I felt along the way somehow without being over bearing I had to explain all of these experiences really happened to me and they were not stories. I couldn't make all this up if I wanted to. 

Because I had so many errors in my trial and error periods of my life, I  decided to write about them. When I did I  began to receive so many good comments. I kept it up again hoping I could help someone else. The old don't do what I did sermon which I never listened to anyhow. Like going out to public spaces dressed as a teenaged slutty girl in my oversized male body. It's no wonder my second wife didn't approve of the way I cross dressed most of the time. Luckily, it didn't take me very long to grow out of this phase of my transgender life.

 During this time I considered (and still do) my main reader audience to be transitioning transgender women. I had a real pleasant shock when I received comments from wives trying to understand their spouses gender issues. Then I considered adding more information which may be important to a wife. Until  I thought I wasn't or shouldn't be in a position to offer any advice because I did such a poor job communicating my gender challenges during my marriages. Finally, I thought if anyone learns from my past mistakes again it is a good thing. 

Currently I think transgender women and men of age are my primary audience as well as a small group of people who allowed me to join their circle of friends when I so desperately needed it. I could name a few names but I am afraid I would leave someone out. Also recently I have discovered a growing group of transgender veterans on both platforms I write for, Google and Medium who share similar experiences to me when they served in the military. It always has been amazing to me how the dark days before the internet and social media affected us all as we had little to no help when we battled our gender struggles. A battle we may have to have never fought if we had access to the transgender information which is available today.

Probably, the group I leave out for no particular reason are the crossdressers. Even though I can certainly write, I spent a half century as a crossdresser, I think I don't spend enough time including them in my writings. Or, worse yet end up sounding as if I am better than someone else because I started hormone replacement therapy and made the move to living full time as a transgender woman. Without the lessons I learned from my crossdressing days both as a man and woman I would have never made it to the life I live today. 

 

Awards in the "Nati"

 It's always nice to be awarded for my blogging efforts here in Cyrsti's Condo and on the Medium writers format. 

Actually I have received two awards now on Medium. The first was for my desire to write for the LGBTQ community and the second was a bit of a surprise. Recently I was given an award for fashion. 

As you regulars know, I don't spend much time writing anymore concerning what I wear. In fact, if I spend much time reviewing many of my older blog posts, I spent much more time explaining what I wore to do my best presenting my exterior self in a new (to me) exciting feminine world. 

At that point I began to think was there such a thing as transgender fashion? Quickly I began to understand there was. If you follow Stana at the Femulate blog who may be the ultimate transgender fashionista or me who is comfortable in jeans and sweaters, we all have the same thing in common. A desire to blend in with or even out do our cis women acquaintances. Many times we have to be better to even be able to exist as our authentic selves. In fact, my two wives on occasion both asked me for help with their make up. My current partner Liz doesn't need any help because she was a former Avon sales person. 

Let us not forget hair as part of our overall appearance and there is a definite reason most all cis women spend so much time, effort and money on their hair during a lifetime. As an example, all the responses I received from my post on wigs. Easily one of the most well received posts I have ever received, thanks to you all!

Speaking (or writing) of people writing in and commenting which is a relative rarity compared to how many "hits" or visits I receive. Even rarer is when I receive a comment who does live, or has visited  the metro Cincinnati, Ohio area. Take this comment from Velma for example on the post I wrote on "toxic masculinity." 

FYI, the "Nati" is another term for the city of Cincinnati where I live. It is also known as the "Queen City." Another slang term which once was  used was "Hamil-tucky" which refers to our border with Northern Kentucky. With all the recent development in the metro area, the term is becoming very outmoded. .Before I regress any farther here is Velma's comment:

" I was compelled to write after I read your profile and found you lived in Hamil-Tucky County, Ohio.My sister used to live there, and I LIKE Cinci, but, yeah, I have seen THAT side of The Queen(?-really-?) City.

I have seen plenty of same here in NC. Here we gots 'Carolina Squat' pickups.
Too many men merely mimic their best idea of what the image of MASCULINITY is, appearance wise, rather than being who they truly are.

It seems that these men are simply posturing to each other to 'gain rank/standing inside their work group.
And, the PAYOFF IS......?
As the saying goes:
"All HAT and no cattle".
Or, how's about:
'everyone is transmitting machismo, but no one has remembered to turn on the receiver.
The question begs it self: Are the women paying attention to such image and posturing?
Doubtful."

Thanks Velma! Your comment brings up a great point, by having the biggest pickup truck are men dressing for other men? Well yes they are! I agree with you Velma, most women don't get the connection. A comment for another post.

Also thanks to "Medium" for the award!

  

Welcome

 Just a quick post to welcome a fellow blogger I happened to meet om Facebook last night. 

Photo Courtesy 
A Woman Called Sophie 

  Her blog is called "A Woman Called Sophie". Even though you wouldn't know it from most of her  posts, she is actually an accomplished transgender woman who is perusing her PHD  Degree from Penn State. 

You can follow the link on the blog here to her posts. 

Also if you have a blog and want to share links, just let me know in the comments section.

Mommies' Little Girl

This is actually from 2010 and was reposted in 2012 and has always been received well, so here we go again. It was actually called, "What Kind of Daughter Did Your Mom Want?"

This picture was from the end of
my "blond period" about 5 years ago
and was only taken as a response to
those "who wanted to see more of me"
As you can see the quality is terrible.

"Yes girlfriends, I'm talking about us. Some Mom's really wanted a daughter and dressed some of us as girls. Some Mom's may have found it interesting to relate to us on some level as a girl and let us in on a little makeup or clothes. Other Mom's may have shut us out all together.

All of the mother/son interaction intrigues me because of a couple of reasons. The first would be the simple question of why me? Did my Mom set me up for all of this? (My brother believes she did). The second would be is how much I look like her. How many of you believe your Mom knowingly or even unknowingly opened your door into a female world? I remember vividly the way my Mom blotted her lipstick and made sure the rest of her outfit was together before she went out. I would bet you my brother doesn't!

 The age old question-environment or genetics? Was I predisposed to be trans? Most likely it's a question I will never know. (Update! Perhaps the DES drug my Mom very well could have taken during her pregnancy could been the answer.) Maybe the whole "daughter" question explains my total lack of respect for women who do not take care of themselves. This girl was raised believing that appearance was part of the female gender.

My Mom passed away years ago and I believe in two sure facts. She would like the fact I try to keep up a good appearance. She would hate the fact I'm a lot like some of the girls I brought home she didn't like and live a very wide open lifestyle. Neither Mom or me or even my daughter are shy women."

"Hair" and Gone

My final visit to my "magician" has come and gone. As I previously wrote about here in Cyrsti's Condo, I am going to have to find another hair dresser to go to. Sadly my regular stylist retired. I found out during my final appointment she is suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome. Which causes pain in the hands.

As we said our goodbyes, I almost teared up (damn hormones). As you may recall, she, my stylist, is the one with a transgender son. As always, she worked her magic with my hair and I went upon my way.

My hair grows relatively fast, so I will be on the outlook for another stylist.

Now, onto another topic. fellow Blogger Mandy Sherman  wrote in with a comment about my trip to the auto repair shop:

"Good for you about going to the shop en femme. My mechanics know me, so doing that wouldn't work well...although I go in capris, a blouse, and flats when the weather is warm. Such fun!" 

Thanks Mandy! I thought it was a good time to explain a couple things about me for any of you new comers to the blog. First and foremost, I am a full time transgender woman. Using hormone replacement therapy very much blocked any return to being a male I ever had. These days, I would have to find a way to bind my breasts and tie my hair back to minimally even look male at all. The best I can hope for is to be androgynous...if I ever tried. 

I am fortunate though, because I never run into anyone I knew before my Mtf gender transition. They have to accept me for what I am. 

I like to say, I am a little slow...but not stupid. I knew totally when I entered into the feminine world, all of it wouldn't be a great time. That is why I heard so many times from my cis women friends when I transitioned, welcome to our world. 

As I sum this up, I need to say, I would never give up anything I have earned crossing the gender divide. 

To quote another familiar phrase, "What a long, strange trip it has been." And let me add, a wonderful one too!

Billie Lee

Billie Lee is a transgender woman, activist, and blogger currently living in Los Angeles. You may also recognize Billie from the hit reality show Vanderpump Rules on BravoTV. She continues to work with Buzzfeed and others in the trans community to create videos that aim to educate on trans issues. For more on Billie, go here.