Happy Easter

 

Image from Austin Tate on UnSplash.

When I was growing up, one of the moments I will always remember were the Easter celebrations I was forced to attend.

Primarily when I was stuffed into a suit and tie and had to watch all the girls in their pretty dresses and wondered how it would be to enjoy such a supposed pleasant experience. I say pleasant because my wife Liz has told me how it was to be scolded when she played with the boys on Easter and ended up getting her new white tights dirty. I told her I so much wanted to wear white tights at Easter but could not, so the grass was not always greener on the other side of the gender border.  

Since our family was not very religious, Easter was one of the few times the family attended church services which made it even harder to accept. Accept I did and had to internalize my thoughts in a very dominated male family. Little did I know, it was just the beginning of a life of internalization I would be facing due to my deep gender issues. To fight the idea, I was transgender I did my best to cross dress it away until I could take it no longer, bought my own white tights and moved on into bright feminine fashion. Slowly but surely, I reimagined myself and begin to change my own narrative into a pleasant transgender womanhood. Then it seemed cisgender women everywhere around me moved away from dresses and hose altogether. 

Now on Easter, the closest I come to any sort of an observance is when I am able to attend the afternoon Passover Sedar at my daughters in laws who are Jewish. On occasion too, I attend Wiccan circles with Liz and identify as a Buddhist, when pushed to do so, on some sort of form I need to fill out. I loved the Buddhist religion from my experiences with it when I was in Thailand in the Army.

Ironically, now when I am free to do so, I don't attend any organized religious Easter services at all. So, I do not wear or even own a symbolic pair of white tights at all. 

For those of you who do celebrate Easter and love to dress up in your prettiest clothing, have a great day and enjoy your present gender tense.  You can even see if many other cisgender women break the current fashion trend by wearing a dress at all...with white tights.

Re-Approval

 

Bar Mitzvah image with wife Liz on left
and my daughter on right.   

In previous posts I have referred to my recent Thanksgiving trip to my daughter's in-laws. 

Fortunately the one hundred mile round trip went without issue and we even arrived just a bit early. For the first time in several years, there were several people there I did not know. For some reason, meeting new people is always a challenge to me. 

This Thanksgiving one of my hopes was my transgender grandchild and their partner would be at the dinner. They were (they is their preferred pronoun) and visiting with them was fun and interesting. It turns out they are just weeks in graduating from "The Ohio State University" with a degree in nuclear engineering. Most certainly, NOT a chip off the old block because I can barely add and subtract. On the other hand, I never set out to ever be a role model in the transgender world. It has been exceedingly beautiful to me to be a role model for my transgender grandchild. 

Also fun was when a group of women at the dinner gathered around me after they helped clean up. Being accepted in women's only spaces is always special. Of course much of the conversation revolves around children and my first wife was even in the group. Since everyone knew my daughter was in the group, there were very few questions of me. I was too busy just enjoying the feelings of acceptance around me. Which for whatever reason was missing in my earlier years of coming out. Very few people knew me before I transitioned and many of them were in the room where I was. 

It was a difficult time transitioning in front of my daughter's in laws but not as difficult as trying to come out to my ex-brothers right wing Baptist family. I was accepted so completely in my daughter's world and beyond, I was invited to stand up and speak before a crowd of people during another of my grandson's Bar-Mitzvah.  I was very nervous but did my best and again I was impressed with the acceptance I felt from the Jewish Temple where the event occurred.

All of this helped me develop who I wanted to be as a novice transgender woman. I thought I knew but until I did it, I did not really know all it would mean to me. I needed to go so far past just presenting as a woman the best I could all the way to creating a whole new person. When I did, most certainly, I had my ups and downs with the entire process and I needed all the acceptance I could find. Included was all the re-approval I could get. 

That re-approval came recently at our Thanksgiving dinner. As with so many other women, they don't know how much they have done with me to help me along. It meant so much to have the chance to  recharge myself for the future.  

Fear of Gender

New Alzheimer's Pride Shirt

I have always thought those who protest too strenuously over the LGBTQ community as a whole or the transgender community in particular are very afraid of their own gender feelings or sexuality.

The whole reality of gender bigots coming out of their shells in public has happened because they have been emboldened by a certain former president and his party supporters. While, at the same time wealthy MAGA financers have made it possible for them to pursue their bigoted goals at the state political levels. My native state of Ohio is a prime example. A fundamentalist Baptist preacher has been leading the charge to erase all transgender care in the state. In response, the state legislature has already passed bills restricting any care for transgender youth under the age of eighteen. To make matters worse, they have plans to try again to expand the bill to all transgender women and men in the state in the future. So far they have failed and the ACLU has promised to take the state to court over it's bills. 

As I put my anger aside for a moment, I paused and wondered what skeletons the Baptist turned politician had against me. Similar to all of the other transgender people I know, we are just trying to lead a quiet life. The better we are at staying out of the public eye, the better. Plus, don't get me started on what I feel about churches who do more than dabble in partisan politics. 

I shouldn't be surprised with a Baptist preacher leading the anti-trans charge here in Ohio since my brother's in laws are all fundamentalist Baptists and he chose them over me when I came out to him. As much as it hurt, I got over it and we have not communicated in over a decade.

All ranting aside, I am a firm believer in the power of gender to transcend and take over any other paranoia a human may have. From birth we largely have our gender chosen for us. Like it or not, using me as an example, I was obviously born a boy or male but I grew up to be a transgender woman. Not completing the gender journey I was assigned would have led me to an early death. It is my opinion, the most oppressive of the gender bigots have a fear of their true selves. They protest too much as many are clutching their crosses while they are doing it. It is tragic when people hate so much. I don't expect the public to understand me  but I don't expect hate either.

I am lucky to live in a fairly liberal part of Ohio, far away from the area where the ultra anti transgender preacher lives. So my activism comes primarily from my writings, my out-reach attempts with groups such as the Alzheimer's Association and participating in Veterans LGBTQ groups. It is essential for me to let them know how urgent the anti-transgender situation is in Ohio. Sadly I can only do a very little to financially support candidates I knew will help our cause. 

I don't suppose I will ever understand why anyone who wants to harm a person in the LGBTQ community because if you are gay and or lesbian you can't think eventually the gender bigots won't come for your rights also. They are using the weaker transgender community as a starting point. Even if you are a cross dresser deep into your closet, you need to consider your gender future and vote accordingly. 

We all need you!

Trying too Hard

Photo from the 
Jessie Hart Archives

As I was attempting to find my way in a new feminine world, I caught myself trying too hard to succeed. 

I tried too hard primarily when I tried to upgrade my presentation as a very serious cross dresser or novice transgender woman. The biggest problem I was having was, concentrating just on how I presented was the wrong path to take...if I took it too seriously. What I mean is, I needed to appear the best I could without going overboard and opening myself up to scorn or negative pushback. I was stubborn and held on to my hard earned previous ideas and took quite a while until I arrived at the point where I could blend in with other women close to my age. 

Now I wish I could have seen the light at the end of my gender tunnel was not the train and was actually a light which would shine bright on my future as a transgender woman. I just had to reach out and grab it if I had the courage. I was far from being any sort of a hero or role model, I was simply a person desperate to find herself and find my way down my gender path. It turned out, lessons I had previously learned in my male life came back to really help me. A prime example was my biggest lesson from Army basic training. A friend of mine who went through basic ahead of me said don't listen to drill sergeant threats and as soon as you got into shape there wasn't much else they could do to you. I connected the dots to the public scorn I received early on as a cross dresser. Once I recovered and learned what I did wrong, I could move on to be successful. 

At this point, defining success is important. Success to me became when I relaxed to the point where I could enjoy myself to a point. Often my male and female selves were fighting a serious battle for my soul. Of course my male self did not want to give up all the privileges he earned the hard way in a life he never really wanted. At the same time my strong feminine self was still wondering and waiting when her turn would come. It finally did work out for her and she didn't have to try too hard to enjoy it.

In fact, the whole time she was struggling to see the light, she was learning what she would need to do when her chance came. Now, life has come to her naturally and she is able to enjoy it. No more obsessing about what would happen next as far as her gender is concerned. Now fashion can be fun again and not so much of a chore wondering if everything works together. 

During the holidays, since my daughter has converted to Judaism, and my wife Liz is Wiccan, I don't have to try too hard anymore to find the perfect gift. 

On occasion, at my age, I think I have paid my dues primarily on my gender path. Now I can hope for the best as my life nears its end. Not being a pessimist, I am seventy four and no one lives forever and I consider myself fortunate to be one of the few humans to have experienced a life on both sides of the main binary genders.  

While My Blog Gently Weeps

Bubba and Brittini

Sadly, this story has been making it's way around the internet recently and friends such as Bobbi have reached out to me with the news.

Spoiler alert, the story is more than just sad, it is tragic. Perhaps by now you have heard of "Bubba Copeland" the former mayor of "Smith's Station, Alabama." I say former because Bubba committed suicide following being outed by a right wing publication called the 1819 News which outed Bubba's so called secret life as a curvy transgender woman. Bubba Copeland was also a Baptist minister who reportedly was a clergyman who cared deeply about their church and community.

Predictably, the only thing which mattered to the gender bigots who outed Bubba was the fact she was a transgender woman. If you are interested if the so called "news" source where all this came from felt at the least bad about Bubba's death. They didn't. "Craig Monger" who wrote the post supposedly supporting Alabama values on "X" (Twitter) said "Digging up someone's personal life is reporting on what someone posts on social media. The Alabama Baptist reported on the churches live stream. I actually spoke to the mayor." Not a word of sympathy was found on anything I read on the publication's site I could find.

Those of us who have dealt with gender issues our entire life know the inner torment Bubba must have gone through. No matter how many good deeds Bubba tried to do as a minister and a mayor in a small Alabama town devastated by a tornado, mattered as much to the 1819 News as much as how they dealt with a closeted transgender person. No mention was made of her life and what she faced. Gender dysphoria is hell to say the least. No attempt at any understanding of the tragedy. 

Brittini was survived by a wife and three children. May she be remembered for her good deeds. 

Forces of Nature

Image from the Jessie Hart
Archives

 As we go through life as transgender women or trans men, we just have to develop a hard shell of sorts to get us by.

Sadly, we often have to resort to hiding and sneaking around our family's back to at the least keep our gender dysphoria issues at bay. At least in my case, even though I wasn't proud of it, I spent hours or even days trying to figure out how I could do my cross dressing. Even to the point I wish I could get back just a portion of the creative energy I expended on dressing like a girl. Obviously, it is way too late now to worry over expended energy as the entire process made me stronger.

Little did I know, I would need all of the strength I could summon to make it through my upcoming long and twisted gender journey. Along the way, I needed to survive all the unkind external forces I would end up facing. Before I grasped the importance of learning how to cross dress my male body to blend into the world. Possibly the biggest lesson I needed to learn was cis-women ran the world I wanted to be a part of. Without the women's help and approval, there would be no way I would be allowed to play in their sandbox, as I like to refer to it as. 

To be a force of nature, I needed to learn to be a gentle force. In other words I needed to play off my gender differences. I could never try to claim my womanhood the same way my friends did but I could claim my right to admittance to being a woman because I had always felt deep down I had always felt feminine. All the way to the point I had always been a student of everything feminine. I paid my own dues in so many ways to finally pave my path to my trans womanhood. One of the most amazing parts of my journey came when I was chosen to be a part of a photo shoot here in Cincinnati which featured all sorts of different kinds of women. 

Being a force of nature is often a burden also. On occasion I think people expect too much from transgender women or trans men. For the same reason we are feared in some circles these days, other people want to hate on us as a community. Mainly because they don't understand our lifestyle. It is especially evident to me when it comes to certain politicians I have recently seen. Primarily when my "gay-dar" immediately went off when I saw the new Speaker of the House who has repeatedly issued homophobic comments. 

All in all, it takes every bit of knowledge we trans people have acquired to make it in a world hostile to us. In a climate where certain political parties and religions are trying to erase us, the fact remains we have always been here and always will. 

Rest assured, we are true transgender forces of nature. Trained to do our best to survive as a tribe and never go back. 

Staying in Your Own Lane

 

Image from UnSplash

Staying in each others own lane has been increasingly difficult for the transgender community. 

Much of our existence changed under the four year rule of a certain former president who brought out hate in our country. All of a sudden, more and more people became less reserved about changing lanes and invading the LGBT world. Recently I have a close friend whose world was invaded by gender bigots crashing her world. It happened at a relatively upscale casual dining restaurant very close to where my wife Liz and I live and I felt so bad for my friend. 

To make a long and personal experience short, her and her wife's dinners were ruined by other patrons who referred to her as a "Fa--ot" and worse, such as religious slurs. In our experience in the venue, I was laughed at once by a server but that was about it. Even then, we felt bad enough about it to never go back. Plus, that was years ago and people and times have changed. So many think it is acceptable to hurt others with their feelings. So now, it could have been so much worse for me. 

I have said or written it many times how fortunate I am to have Liz with me most of the time when I interact with the public. She is approximately the same height as I am and opens many gender doors for me and others have a tendency to stay in their own lanes. An example happened a couple days ago when Liz went to one of her pre surgical appointments. As always, I didn't have any issues in the doctors offices and especially when we went to a nearby coffee shop to order a cup of caffeine and a breakfast sandwich. The coffee shop was very near one of the  local major university campuses, so the extreme majority of the patrons were college students who certainly had no gender issues other than their own.

In other words, all the people I encountered had no reason to leave their own lane and enter mine and I was free to enjoy my own transgender life. 

For all of you who are attempting to live as your authentic gender selves, I hope people stay out of your lane and you can enjoy your life. I know I am preaching to the choir but you deserve a stable and pleasant gender existence. My blog gently weeps for all of you locked in your dark closets or are just out in the world trying to stay in your own lane. I know my basics of being out in the world is easy, be nice to everyone I can and tip well when I need to. I also benefit on occasion from being easily remembered because of how well I present as a transwoman or don't. 

Either way, I am sadly waiting for the day when a gender bigot decides to veer out of their lane and into my own. 

Into the Fire

Actual Image from Bar-Mitzvah 
Liz on left, daughter on right.

 Shortly after I let the world into my gender closet, I had to hitch up my new big girl panties and get in the game. Under big time fire. 

What happened was, just after I came out to my daughter just happened to closely coincide with my oldest grandson's Jewish Bar-Mitzvah. Little did I know at the time how closely I would be involved.

What happened was, since I was one of the grandparents, I actually had a small part to read at the formal ceremony at their temple.

Fortunately, I had plenty of experience in public speaking from my old radio days so I wasn't afraid of getting back up in front of a crowd of people. Plus, I thought, how many people would show up anyhow and this would be my first chance to interact with many strangers for the first time as a transgender woman. No pressure, right????

When the time quickly rolled around, I was surprised how many people showed up for the ceremony. The rows of pews quickly were filling up along with my anxiety. What would all the strangers think of me and especially, what would my grandson. Finally, it was my turn to speak my part of the ceremony and there was no turning back. Naturally I was petrified and tried to hold back my panic. To make a long story short, the presentation I gave went by in a split second and nobody in the audience seemed to pay any attention to me anyhow as far as my gender presentation went.

After I was tossed into the fire, I was warmly greeted by the Rabbi who welcomed me into the ceremony plus, later I had the opportunity to meet her again at the party which was held afterwards. Of course the party was my chance to wind down and relax following my brief but intense place in the spotlight. 

On the way home, when I could finally breathe again, I marveled on how completely I was accepted by my daughter's new religion. I'm far from an expert on the difference in Jewish faith's but I think her temple is part of the Reformed Jewish religion. Since that time, I have been easily accepted by all of her in-laws, so that must be the case.

When I thought of the entire occasion later, I came to the conclusion of when you are going to jump into the fire, do it all the way. 

And finally, the best part was my grandson seemed to be really proud of me for participating as my authentic self.  Lesson learned from being a good role model.

I don't write it nearly enough, but thanks to all of you who stop by to read my writings. Your input makes it all worthwhile!

Transgender Inclusion

 

My Fave Girls. Liz on left, daughter on right
from the Jessie Hart Archives 

I actually survived my second "Seder" Jewish ritual service and dinner in fairly good shape. The one my wife Liz and I were invited to last year proved to be very uncomfortable due to my back's reactions to very uncomfortable chairs. This year I was greeted by my son in law to my own comfortable chair which ended up fitting perfectly with the table we ate at. I was so relieved. 

I also was happy my trans grandchild was the "moderator" and led the lengthy service which was partly in Jewish. Since lately I seem to struggle with English, speaking nay Jewish was certainly out of my reach. 

It turned out,  my grandchild who is re-enrolling in The Ohio State University this Spring seems to be coming out of their shell quite a bit and was there with their partner, whose name I promptly screwed up when we arrived. So much for making a good second impression. Which has been normally the story of my life. Open mouth, insert foot. 

Being included so totally in their rituals of the Jewish Faith has always been amazing to me. In fact, years ago at my oldest grandson's Bar Mitzfah  I was asked to get up in front of many people in his temple and have a part in the service. I was still early into my Mtf gender transition and was petrified but was able to come through it all unscathed.  I am not a real expert but the Jewish Temple my daughter and family belong to are Reform Jews and not the stricter Orthodox Jews which is possibly why I was welcomed and included with open arms.

For the day, as I wrote about briefly yesterday, since I was never allowed to even think about wearing a pretty, bight colored dress like the girls and women were allowed to wear,  I resorted to wearing my own bright colored clothes. What I attempted to do was wear as much as I could of the clothes and accessories my wife Liz has made for me over the years. She knitted me a pink and blue sleeveless sweater vest which I wore over a white camisole top and my bright patterned leggings. Then I added the earrings and hand beaded trans hair beret she made me. As I said yesterday, she is very talented and has her own shops on the Etsy craft platform under "Liz T Deigns" if you would like to visit it. 

Outside of being able to wear what I wanted to relieve myself of past anxieties, the best time I had was when my transgender grandchild made a special effort to sit down with Liz and I and discuss their advanced Physic's course she was taking soon at OSU when classes resume. They (chosen pronouns) most certainly didn't  get any of my genetics from me in the math or science area's of academia. I can barely add or subtract on a good day. I wish I could say I understood all they were talking about but I didn't. I was better suited in understanding the history behind the "Seder" ritual and how in it's own way intersects with all the problems going on today in the Middle East. 

 As I thought of all of sadness in the world and discrimination against the transgender population, my fondest hope is I can leave some sort of a legacy on how you can lead a successful life as a trans person. Being included in such an inviting ritual such as a "Seder" was a start.

Ain't no Trans in Heaven??

 In nearly a decade, I think this is the first ultra religious comment I have ever received.  It came from "blessed be9, Catalyst for Christ" :

"I refuse to hate: thats Satan's tactic; however, Im gonna tell you the Truth: when we breathe our last, what do you wish to called? Aint no trans in Heaven; you cannot stay on earth. Seek help. I did. GBY (the most non-threatening piece I have ever wRITTn. Again, I dont hate; I love everyone. I would sooner die for you than see you in any other realm but where Im after your lifelong demise). be@peace."

If the truth be known "blessed" you are the hater. If you weren't, you wouldn't wish the ill will on anyone with gender dysphoria who also happen to be transgender. 

As far as your question goes in what I wish to be called on my death bed is my authentic true feminine name which I have struggled so long to obtain. 

Shame on you for worshiping a false God that hates!  You are right "Ain't no trans in Heaven." We have paid our dues to be decent human beings. We will be just us in Heaven. 

I hope somehow you can turn your life around and make it to heaven yourself.

Gender Frauds?

 In somewhat of a continuation of the Cyrsti's Condo post on "Terf's", here is another idea I have seen recently which effects transgender women during their lives. 

I have a young transgender woman acquaintance who has shaped herself into a very convincing woman. Even though she has transitioned well, she has what she describes as "impostor syndrome." I think it is another description for gender dysphoria. 

She is quite outspoken about her life and the trials and tribulations of working while trans. For awhile, she was employed as a receptionist at a psychiatric clinic which primarily dealt with transgender patients. Along the way she left that job and decided to re-pursue her educational goals. Along the way too, she worked at a deli and was accepted by everyone except perhaps the worst Terf of all, a religious one. Daily, my friend was subjected to religious reasons she shouldn't be living the life she was. 

Fortunately for her, she escaped the Terf and now is advancing quickly up the ladder of a restaurant chain. Since I worked in the same business for over three decades, I whole heartedly think her personality would be ideal for the job. 

I just hope her "imposter syndrome" doesn't reoccur and get the best of her .  We all have to remember we are never gender frauds. Human beings rarely exist on the well worn gender binary. There are more than two genders. Sooner more than later, narrow minded bigots in society will have to work their way through it. Similar to the current waves of Republican bills in state legislatures around the country seeking to curtail  transgender representation in sports all the way to bills against youthful medical transgender transition. This time around, we have the groundwork in place to fight back.

Always remember...Instead of gender frauds, we are the true gender survivors.

Abby Stein

From ultra orthodox rabbi to an openly transgender woman, Abby Stein.

Stein is thought to be the first openly transgender woman raised in a Hasidic community, an experience she chronicles in her memoir, “Becoming Eve: My Journey from Ultra-Orthodox Rabbi to Transgender Woman,” which was released Nov. 12. Though Stein said she always felt different and was not interested in playing with boys when she was younger, she felt pressured to keep her identity secret and follow the more traditional path of living as a man, getting married and becoming a rabbi.

Stein, now 28, lives in New York City. She announced to her parents and the world in 2015 that she was a transgender woman. Stein became what is known as “off the derech,” or path, and left her insular ultra-Orthodox Jewish life and most of her beloved family behind.

We Got Mail

We received two great responses from our religious post yesterday here in Cyrsti's Condo:

1. KeithJune 5, 2019 at 10:44 AM

   "Genesis 1:27: "God created man(kind) in his image...…….male AND female he created them". It is not the exclusionary connector, OR, but the inclusive connector AND. We all have varying PROPORTIONS OF BOTH, according to the first book of the bible, the introduction to our connectedness to God. As ond deepens in their spiritual awareness one tends to understand the scriptures at a deeper level, as originally intended. Thanks for your post."

   
   
2. 
   GracieJune 5, 2019 at 9:49 PM

   "I have a hard time getting too excited about Deuteronome 22:5 after a little scholarly research. Although not completely understood, there is some speculation that it may have had to do with admonition of some pagan rituals that were performed crossdressed. Or in a society where men and women socialized separate from each other, it was a way to get together with the opposite sex for illicit purposes. If taken too literally, one could suppose that the majority of contemporary western women will be going to hell for wearing pants, and St. Joan of Arc is also burning in hell."
3. Thanks to both of you for responding!

A "Penny" for Your Thoughts

Disclaimer time kids...I never have considered myself an expert or a "theologian" of any sort.

My ideas are mine alone from experiences I have been through in an area of the country where I live and areas where I have worked down along the Ohio River - from Portsmouth, Ohio through Ashland, Kentucky and over into West Virginia.

I'm picking up this thought from the "Autumn Sandeen" post where she said she grew up in a Penecostal Church family.

My knowledge of the "Pennie's" comes from knowing a few and the fact there is a fairly sizable "Penny" church down the street from me. I worked with a disc jockey once who was disowned by his Penecostal family.

 In a similar vein, I have traveled to the coal mining "hollers" of central and eastern Kentucky for funerals of friends held in "primitive" Baptist churches. One of them even recently added an addition with indoor plumbing! In one I thought I was going to have my first experience with a preacher "speaking in tongues". As he was close to going into a trance of sort over the coffin, I considered the idea he would somehow "discover" I was transgender and call in the devil.

Afterwards, I jokingly asked where the snakes were kept. I was seriously told that church was not their flavor of religion but there was one a couple "hollers" over. We could go if I wanted...hell no!

Let me add many of these people I met were in fact good solid folk but just had no wiggle room in their social beliefs. In fact I don't toss these folks into my "immoral right" category of those who may "preach" an agenda for the sake of monetary gain. Most have led a difficult life and their religion gets them through.

Sadly though, I more or less lost a  long term friend of mine who refused to even consider me being transgender and she is from the "hollers" and is back there now.  She couldn't accept me but would be on attack mode if anyone else would slander me. It's sort of like, here have a another piece of fried chicken and more mashed "taters"...now, what's this sh-t about you dressing as a girl?

You know though, I would rather face peeps like that than the ones who smile and then shove the knife into your back. Let's see, I will take another piece of chicken!