Merging your Past with your Future

 

Image from Sammy Swae 
on UnSplash. 

We speak a lot around here about merging your life’s past circumstances with the future of what you may be facing.

Depending upon the number of years you have spent living as your birth gender, you may have an incredible amount of baggage to bring with you from your past. Including the input of spouses, family, friends and jobs. What to bring with you to merge with your new lifestyle as a transgender woman or trans man is often an agonizing decision. One thing is for certain you can’t bring all of your past life with you. However, no matter how you may want to cut it, the basic building blocks of your life remain. Such as how your parents raised you. My parents raised me to be a contradiction from the beginning. I was expected to stand up for what I believed to be right, as long as it did not interfere with what they thought was right. So being a childhood cross dresser was being an individual in my mind but an embarrassment in theirs. So, I had no chance of winning my gender battles.

On the other hand, I was taught the difference between right and wrong but not enough that I could bring it with me when I needed to face the biggest battle of my life, what was I going to do about my unwanted male life. Deep down inside, I knew the right answer then just refused to face it.

For the longest time, I was guilty of putting ciswomen and girls up on some sort of a pedestal as I viewed their lives from the outside looking in. Basically, all I saw was they had the chance to wear the pretty clothes and be pursued by the men or boys in school. I so wanted to be the cheerleader on the sidelines rather than the defensive end I was on the football team. Without seeing all the work, it took to being a good cheerleader. In fact, I never saw any or all of the work needed to transition from being a female to being a woman which I found to be a huge difference. Females are born; women are socialized in the world which means not all women ever make it. If and when you are attacked by a TERF about how you were born, rest assured she has problems if all she could come up with was a so-called birthright.

Getting back to how you merge your past with your future, the first thing you have to remember is not to forget about your present. Your present is so important as you live a daily life, often between two powerful genders, male and female. Your present is often the time when you are working hard to see how your gender dreams will impact your life in the future and how much has it done for your past. In my case, all I had really learned about being in the world as a transgender woman was to apply makeup well enough, so I did not look like a clown in drag, and I learned to shop in thrift stores to find the right fashion to flatter my testosterone poisoned body. I knew nothing about putting my new improved feminine image into motion in the world.

Once I did get serious about looking around in my present-day world back then, I wondered how I was going to ever merge my past with my future. After I determined how badly I wanted to.

My main concern was how one sided my interests were. I was mainly a sports addict with the usual male preoccupation with my job. Most certainly, I would be sacrificing my job if I male to female transitioned but what about my sports hobbies? It was then I became very serious about looking around to notice who all was watching sports at the big venues I was in and I was pleasantly surprised that all those years, I had been missing the number of women who were involved. It turned out that unless I was trying to talk sports with a man, my baggage was safe with other ciswomen, and I was not out of place in my favorite team jersey. To make matters even better, when my wife Liz and I got together and began going to “Meetup” groups, I was able to go to writers’ circles to interact with a whole new set of people. I highly recommend groups such as that to expand your social horizons as a transgender woman or trans man.  The only negative experience I ever had was with a lesbian social group who refused to accept me because I was trans. Which was their loss, not mine.

Then I began to look at my future as just downsizing my life. I was leaving friends behind who did not accept me all the way to going from two wardrobes to one. As Liz once told me, it’s not often a human gets to stop a life and rebuild it, so don’t mess it up. With me, I was fortunate to have help in merging my past with my future. When I was with my new circle of women friends, I just had to learn what to needed to omit from my past which would inadvertently out me as a past male. I was able to talk about my family because I had a daughter, which was a good example, I just could not share birth stories. But in reality, I was in the room, just not doing any of the work.

Any way you cut it, when you do make the decision to cross the gender border, you will naturally have to leave part of your past behind. Just be careful, you do not leave any of the basic building blocks behind which make you the person you are. From there you can build a new and better you as your authentic self maybe you never thought you could be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Confidnece

 

Image from the 
Jessie Hart Collection
Ohio River in Background

Perhaps the most important and the most fragile accessory we can add as a transgender woman or trans man is the confidence to be ourselves. Positivity gives us the power to move forward on our gender paths. 

In my case, confidence was hard earned and still remained very difficult to hold on to. The problem was it seemed as if every step I took forward as a novice cross dresser (or transvestite if you prefer), I would fall back two steps by doing something wrong. If I had the appearance of the presentation down perfect, then I would trip and fall in my heels which I was still attempting to learn how to walk in. To make a long story short, confidence was fleeting because this was the portion of my cross dressing life when I was still trying to dress too sexy and it turned out to be just trashy. I was learning the hard way to dress for other women, which allowed me to blend in and not cause unwanted attention.

When I arrived at the point when I began to effectively blend in, I became more grounded with my feminine presentation. When I did, I was able to gain more confidence and then attempt to communicate in the world as a transgender woman.  Sadly, my new found freedom was so fragile, I could lose it without much warning. I was always ready for pushback from the public. With someone laughing at me or worse yet inquiring which gender I really was. If the truth be known, I still feel the same way today. The difference is today, I am better situated mentally to take care of any attacks by a transphobe or a TERF. I know who I am and it is none of their business. 

In my overall presentation I think hormone replacement therapy has helped me greatly. The changes in my gender hormones over the years have helped me to change my way from the old unwanted male body I so disliked. My skin softened to the point my facial features became more feminine along with the rest of my body including the hair I have been able to grow. The whole process has enabled me to move with more confidence in the world. 

Speaking of more confidence, I recently saw a news story which said the Department of Defense or Pentagon was now going to make it easier for LGBT Veterans to have their less than desirable discharges reversed. Just having an Honorable Discharge is huge when it comes to being able to claim many veteran benefits and increases their confidence. Many of the discharges came during the ill-fated "Don't ask, Don't tell" military program. Hopefully many if not all of those who are trying to upgrade their discharges will be aided by this new program. I know my Veteran's Administration hospital has had an initiative to help LGBT vets upgrade their discharges for awhile now. 

My final VA ten week group session is coming up, so I should be able to find out more then. In the meantime, it is important to note confidence is earned not given. The more you live as your authentic gender self, hopefully the easier it becomes. Human's are like sharks and can smell blood in the water if anything is wrong. Just make sure you are not bleeding in the water and life will become easier.

Gender Frauds?

 In somewhat of a continuation of the Cyrsti's Condo post on "Terf's", here is another idea I have seen recently which effects transgender women during their lives. 

I have a young transgender woman acquaintance who has shaped herself into a very convincing woman. Even though she has transitioned well, she has what she describes as "impostor syndrome." I think it is another description for gender dysphoria. 

She is quite outspoken about her life and the trials and tribulations of working while trans. For awhile, she was employed as a receptionist at a psychiatric clinic which primarily dealt with transgender patients. Along the way she left that job and decided to re-pursue her educational goals. Along the way too, she worked at a deli and was accepted by everyone except perhaps the worst Terf of all, a religious one. Daily, my friend was subjected to religious reasons she shouldn't be living the life she was. 

Fortunately for her, she escaped the Terf and now is advancing quickly up the ladder of a restaurant chain. Since I worked in the same business for over three decades, I whole heartedly think her personality would be ideal for the job. 

I just hope her "imposter syndrome" doesn't reoccur and get the best of her .  We all have to remember we are never gender frauds. Human beings rarely exist on the well worn gender binary. There are more than two genders. Sooner more than later, narrow minded bigots in society will have to work their way through it. Similar to the current waves of Republican bills in state legislatures around the country seeking to curtail  transgender representation in sports all the way to bills against youthful medical transgender transition. This time around, we have the groundwork in place to fight back.

Always remember...Instead of gender frauds, we are the true gender survivors.

Terf's

Do you know what a "Terf" is, or what it means?

To put it simply, a Terf is a cis woman who dislikes transgender women  First of all, here's how the name came to be. It is the abbreviation for Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminism. Essentially the idea it is impossible for a person assigned a specific gender at birth to transition and occupy the space of another gender. They take it as far as seeing it  as an invasion all over again from the patriarchy and essentially raping women again. 

In their neat conceptual world, men are the predators and women are the prey. To introduce any form of a transgender woman is an attack on feminism everywhere in addition to trans males being a threat to butch lesbians.

I would have to ask Paula for sure but I think Terf's are more publicized in Great Britain where Paula is from. However, a few years ago I was confronted by gender rejection at a lesbian Valentine's Dance Liz and I went to here in Cincinnati. You could definitely refer to the person who literally sought me out to harass me as a Terf. 

I was minding my own business waiting for Liz to rejoin me with a few appetizers when this lesbian approached and started to ask me about what my "real" name was. Unfortunately, I hadn't had my name legally changed yet to produce my driver's license.  By the time Liz returned, the bitch had disappeared again into the crowd. 

Being the glutton for punishment I was back in those days, I even tried to join Liz's lesbian meet up group which put on the dance. Naturally I was rejected for being transgender and not a "real" woman. Shortly after that, Liz left the group, 

Since essentially, my feminine upbringing was helped along by cis women lesbians, I know all lesbians aren't Terf's. Plus, naively I have always felt the more the better when it comes to any form of human movements. In other words, I don't understand why cis women Terf's wouldn't want transgender women involved in their search for equality in gender rights. After all, we have seen the gender world  from both sides and made our choice to leave our male privileges behind. 

In the meantime, I will forever remember the time I was gender slurred and attacked by a Terf. 

Parts is Parts?

"Would a transgender woman who agreed with Lisa be an Artificial TERF, then? 

The reasoning used by TERFs is the same as that used by those who are opposed to trans people using the bathroom of their self-identified gender. I do believe, by the way, that trans men have been allowed to participate at the MWMF all along, simply because they have the "correct" body parts and have had to experience -at least in their youth- the oppression of men over women (or womyn, which is a different sex, I guess). Male privilege is derived from the penis, I suppose. Lisa. So, one man's privilege is another woman's woe?"

This comment is not mine but another Connie sent in. 

Actually, I believe there are "Trans Exclusionary Trans Women" too who actually believe they should have their "woman" card punched primarily because they went out and bought a vagina. (Artificial Terf?) The only difference seems to me is when you happened to acquire your vagina. 

To be sure, men have oppressed women over the centuries and each other. The oppression crosses race and religious lines (especially as we are seeing today.) The only thing I have never understood about the gay and lesbian community is how long it took them to get up to speed about what the transgender community is really all about. They are now. In fact push back from major lesbian organizations was a major factor in Lisa packing her tent and heading home.

Let's face it, there will always be a segment of the world who will never understand the concept of gender versus sexuality. Part of human nature dictates the need to be part of a tribe too. Lisa Vogel is not alone in her tribe. Just the tip of the ice berg.

If I had the chance to sit down face to face with her, I would love to explain why I was - or wasn't crashing her party. Simply-I would have to try because she told me I couldn't. But, I sure would have wanted to because the festival would have given me another chance to learn about the feminine world I missed and yearned for so much. I was too far away. No more and no less. 

Lisa does not have to like me. Don't care. I can tell you in all my research my family never owned any slaves, fought in every war (back to the revolution) AND I never oppressed a girl/woman in my life. Put them up on pedestals yes. Oppressed no. 

That's why indeed I would have enjoyed going to Lisa's festival. You all know me enough to figure I would enjoy wondering around with Liz enjoying an adult beverage and listening to the music. Forget how much "passing privilege" I have or androgynous I look and to hell with the semantics of what a trans woman versus woymn is. Life is too short. 

Put all this energy into making sure our daughters (transgender or not) are empowered and have a better life. One of inclusion-not exclusion.

Lisa, Terf's and Transgender Privilege

We mentioned here in Cyrsti's Condo yesterday the embattled Michigan Womyn's Festival final year would be this season. (As announced by terf organizer founder and Lisa Vogel.) By the way,  TERF's are not cute little relations to a "Smurf" toy but bigoted Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists.

Connie commented: A TERF war battle lost. I guess there's always Burning Man (but why no Burning Woman?).  Good point! Here is my rant on the subject.

Perhaps many of you have heard of the term "Male Privilege." (They think we had it so damn good growing up and existing in a world they knew nothing about.) TERF's are gender victims Somehow, I didn't see Lisa Vogel in the Army draft line with me.  Regardless of all of that - my point is, if we enjoyed all that male privilege, why would we forsake it all to change gender???? Come on Lisa, really?

I also wonder if trans men would be welcome Lisa?  I have seen my share of highly androgynous lesbians. Do they drop their drawers at the gate when they buy tickets? How about if my lesbian partner wanted to go? Would I have to use the side gate? Sure, some trans woman have managed to slip by the gender censors. But are these the trans girls with all the passing privilege in the world? 

Come on Lisa, the only reason I would even have tried to attend your precious festival is because you didn't want me there. So Connie, I would argue, there is no "Burning Woman" because it is a male privilege to get burnt as a "macho" sacrifice. According to Lisa, if both genders are allowed to go, the generics with their birthright can watch. Transgender women or men? We can't be burnt. That's privilege! 

Good riddance to your festival Lisa. As Connie said, another battle lost.

It's All in the Eyes?

Continuing on my last post about those pesky lesbians jamming my "trans-dar"- I brought up the question, "How does one know the difference when a lesbian does cross the border into transgender territory. Well, of course, one normally doesn't but of course I have formed a few opinions the hard way.

First of all, I am not the definitive resource on lesbians but have found out a number of factoids over the last few years. First of all, they are very possessive within their culture.  I have be invited to several lesbian "mixers" with friends over the years.  One of the first lessons I learned was, if my friend's perceived a woman they were interested in had a partner there-that was it. Look but don't touch.

Of course, after I calmed down about being there at all, I became interested about how I was perceived. I took for granted, that for the most part, all of the "mixers" knew I was transgender.  Truly, I never had to worry.  No one was mean, most ignored me but then again a few did approached me.  Once I was even asked if "I belonged to my friend I as with."  So I never did really encounter the "Terf" hate from radical lesbians which is so prominently written about-there. 

Possibly, I did though on two other occasions from two butch's who jammed my "trans-dar."  One came from the eyes of the woman I told you about in the last post with her husband and the other, from a very, very, very, butch in a gay venue I go to. As I was talking to her partner one night.   If looks could kill, I would have been a goner-twice!So, I assume even though both looked as if they could be transitioning, they weren't.

Now, if you switch gears to the transgender men I know, and the few I have met-their eyes are softer.  So for some reason, I don't threaten them.  The ironic part is, if I hadn't been told ahead of time, I wouldn't have known at all they were trans men.

What's happening here? Has the introduction of mean old testosterone into the Ftm men's lives helped to mold a kinder, multi layered man?  After all, we are so quick to toot our own horns about being some sort of "hybrid" gender, perhaps the Ftm's are more so? Even the trans men at the symposium I went to said not being raised in similar strict rigid gender boxes the boys were subjected to, helped them later to transition.

At the least, interesting "theories", at the best, I'm just happy I'm still alive to write about it!!!!

Trans Terf's in the Girl's Sandbox.

I read with interest today a blog post from whom I consider a "Trans-Terf" (Terf is a trans exclusionary radical feminist.) The person writing the post was transgender and right off the bat she excluded me (I hadn't transitioned long enough)? As I read on, then I understood why I was not worthy.  She said and I paraphrase- almost no one had the gender experiences she lived through (Really? Me thinks what she didn't lose in her transition was her male ego.)

Well OK! Now I understood!  First the woymn born woymn crowd excluded me because I wasn't born with the proper equipment between my legs.  First,  I lived my life for years as one of those evil male privileged humans who beat and slandered every genetic woman I could find. And now, here I was, trying to sneak into the hen house through the back door.

Shame on me!

Then, there was this person excluding me in almost the same way as the woymn born woymn crowd she purported to be against..Dammit! It seems I didn't have a store bought vagina to be admitted there either. Or even owned it long enough.

Seriously, in some what the same vein,  the one of my biggest fears around here in Cyrsti's Condo has always been climbing up on a slippery pedestal with the Trans Terfs and then proclaiming I'm better than any of the rest of you.  I'm not.

It doesn't matter to me if you are on HRT or not, or are even out of the closet or not!   I remember all too well the hell of being in the closet for at least 30 years and trying to play both sides of the gender street.  Plus, if the truth is known,  if the cards didn't fall the way they turned out-I may still be in the closet. Also, I went through at least another five years of non gender related hell to land on my feet...so I could come out.

It still doesn't make me a better person than any of you,  it just makes me a very determined survivor.

I have always thought though, that a lot of the bitter trans women who take me to task for my length of time as a transgender woman in the world, are jealous. They are jealous because the sun, the moon and stars aligned for me and now I'm having the time of my life. (I guess I wasn't supposed to?)

So if you ever notice I may be trying to climb up to that pedestal where the blessed Trans Terf's" live - just slap me the hell down!