Diversity versus Adversity

 

Image from Nik on UnSplash.

I was shocked and disappointed when I heard the first flimsy reports that the Minneapolis shooter was transgender and that the Cracker Barrel restaurant corporate higher ups had deleted their LGBTQ page from their on-line presence. As a community, the transgender women and trans men don’t need any more bad publicity or adversity as we careen towards the 2026 midterm elections. It seems diversity in our society is increasingly in short supply led by you know who, TACO tRumpt the clown.

Hopefully, Cracker Barrell can be boycotted to the point that Target was and be led farther down their financial rathole and the public at large will quit listening to the same old lies spewed by the Republican politicians about the trans community, but in my native Ohio at least, I will believe it when I see it. In the two major elections (governor and senator) two tRumpt supported candidates are running and the ignorant populace of Ohio has not figured out yet, they have been fleeced of their rights.

On the bright side, and there is one, I live in a blue (democratic) leaning part of Cincinnati and I have recently seen two new diversity yard signs in front of homes where my wife Liz and I take our morning walks. But we don’t vote for the city of Cincinnati mayor since we are in a suburb, and I fear for the re-election of the Democratic mayor who has done a terrible job dealing with all of the violence mainly in the downtown area. And to make matters worse, his opponent is JD Vance’s brother and is as worthless. Maybe I am being paranoic, but I doubt it the way politics have gone around here. However, the Democratic mayor has done a great job of supporting the local LGBTQ community.

As far as diversity versus adversity goes, it sure feels like we transgender women and trans men must once again get ready for our unfair share of adversity. Hopefully, the “blue wave” midterm vote will wash away all the worthless politicians who have refused to stand up to TACO and are ruining our country. I am so afraid I am dealing with seeing the end of America as I know it.

I always say what can you do? A lot even if you are deep in your gender closet, take the time to research ALL of your candidates down to the school boards where the political roaches first sneak in, because once you get roaches, it is difficult to get them out. Just think about your future and how it may change if your situation changes to the point where you can complete your transition. What sort of world will you want to transition into. One with diversity and kindness, or the one we are seeing now.

Plus, for those of you who are fortunate to live in more liberal parts of the country, appreciate and hold on to your freedoms. Hopefully you will never have to go through the barrage of lies against the transgender community that we go through in Ohio. Such as the man running for senate approved all elementary school sex change operations. At some point, all the serious Democratic candidates (including Newsom) are going to have to learn the proper response to the BS questions such as do you approve of men playing women’s sports. It is a simple answer, if they just use it. Trans women are not men at all.

It's happened folks. It is time for an all-hands approach to supporting our candidates for office. I just hope it is not too late for diversity over adversity to triumph. It can be done, look at what happened to Target when they rejected the LGBTQ community. Do it to Cracker Barrel now.

The elected officials in Washington are not clowns, they are dead serious about taking your rights away, no matter how you identify, cross dresser or transgender, it does not matter, the warning signs are there.

 

 

 

When Who You Are is Against the Law

 

Kim Davis wants YOUR Rights.

Yesterday, the spineless governor of my native Ohio agreed with the felon/pedo in chief tRumpt to send national guard troops to Washington DC.

The move was a stark reminder to me of how close we are as a nation to a fascist state with a dictator in charge. And, on the battle lines are transgender women and transgender men who at least here in Ohio have watched as our rights have been taken away by a heavily gerrymandered Republican legislature who prefers doing its dirty work under the late-night cover of darkness.

I am extra paranoid because I vividly remember the gay/ cross dressers being rounded up in police buses when I was young in Dayton, Ohio. I certainly don’t want those times to return for myself or especially for my transgender grandchild.

Especially horrific are the Caitlyn Jenners of the world who insist on supporting the regime in Washington. Obviously, they never really learned how it was to have their rights taken away. Perhaps you noticed, I refused to refer to Jenner as “she.” Recently, on a popular social media site I am on, a rather spirited (to say the least) discussion about cross dressers and transgender women. The moderator waded in with some sort of a statement that cross dressers cannot be transgender women and tied the discussion all in with the male privileges CD’s refuse to give up the way trans women have. Then used Jenner as an example. Being smart for a change, I stayed completely out of the fray. Almost.

I did use the example of the cross dressers and/or transgender women I knew who were strong orange felon supporters. I will never understand how they could throw themselves or the trans community under the bus and keep doing it. Their excuse was, he couldn’t be that bad. Well, he was.

Then there are the comfortable gay and lesbian tRumpt supporters who sat back in their shells and thought all the misery being brought upon the transgender community couldn’t happen to them. Now Kim Davis is back asking the corrupt supreme court to formally destroy the same sex marriage ruling the gays and lesbians celebrated so many years ago. Now their refusal to get totally behind the transgender community in our time of need is coming back to haunt them. It could and would be coming around again.

I know one of the problems with this post is I stereotyped too many people along the way. I know many in the gay, lesbian, and cross-dressing community who don’t support the sick felon and do support the trans community and that is powerful because we need everyone behind us in these desperate times.

Just imagine if you are a novice crossdresser trying to decide if you want to attempt to jump out of your gender closet and are afraid of being arrested. It’s uncomfortably close to happening in states such as Ohio. The midterms are coming and make sure you vote from your closet for the right candidates.

On the bright side (and there always is one), there are pockets of support in major cities around the country. If you are struggling, try to find a LGBTQ support group to help you come out. In the meantime, buckle up for a rough ride and stay safe.

Sorry for the rant, sometimes I just have to vent.

The Only Constant is Change

 

Image from Brad Starkey
on UnSplash

In life it seems, the only constant is change. Especially for transgender women and transgender men. As with most of you, my life of change started quite early when I started exploring my mom’s foundation drawer. To make matters worse, I then started raiding her makeup collection.

As I viewed myself in the hallway full length mirror, little did I know what a long trip I would embark on to battle my gender dysphoria. My male self was strong and put up quite the battle when all along my feminine self was plotting how she could win the war. All he could do was resort to typical male actions and reactions such as internalization of the gender problems all the way to completely running from them.

Change became reality when I started running from my problems by changing jobs and moving my family several times. My first move took my wife and I from our native southwestern Ohio home to the radically different environment of the New York City metro area. I was naïve and thought moving to a more liberal area of the country would provide me the opportunity to pursue my growing serious cross dressing “hobby.” Nothing of the sort really happened except a couple of times. The first of which was when I made the journey out to Long Island to attend a cross dresser – transgender mixer. I was so successful that I was carded at the door to prove I actually was a man.

The other example was a Halloween party I was invited to by a fellow manager of the restaurant I managed. Somehow that night I managed to escape the criticism of my second wife who wasn’t going with me anyhow and dress the way I wanted to. I chose my favorite wig, short dress and heels and slipped out of the house. Away from the unapproving prying eyes of our landlord. The evening turned into my dream scenario when I found I was going with several other tall and sexually dressed women as I was. The ultimate camouflage was I fit right in. My successes fueled my ego and pushed along my changes. For the first time in my life, I began to believe I could achieve my ultimate dream of living as a transgender woman. If I was fooling the world on these evenings, why couldn’t I do it more.

In the short term, my male ego hurt my ability to change. Being briefly accepted as a woman only pushed me on for more change. Leading to huge fights between my main feminine gatekeeper (my second wife) and myself. In typical male fashion, he oversimplified the gender problems with the same old results. It was time to run again and move from NYC back to a different part of Ohio. This time, to a very rural area along the Ohio River. Surprisingly, change came easily to me in this rural area of Ohio. I was able to cross dress and do the grocery shopping as well as other trips.

Still, change haunted me and I felt the need to find a job in Columbus, Ohio where I had been successful in the past in the crossdresser-transgender community. I felt if I could go back there, I could again fit right back in.

This move or change ultimately led me back to my hometown which was close to Columbus. I had come full circle with my changes which led me to finally face my gender reality. I was and had always been a woman at heart and had made my own way down difficult paths to find her. Plus, I was so tired of running all the time, so I did not have to accept the only constant being change. The only constant was my whole life as a male was a lie, and I had to do something about it.

I ended up taking advantage of all that I learned the years I was a novice transgender woman and using the lessons to make my transition more flawless. For once, I was changing in place as I threw my mirror out the window. I started using the public as a mirror to see how well I was presenting as a transfeminine person and went on to live my life.

For me, the final straw which ended my ill-fated male life was when I changed my life for good and started HRT or gender affirming hormones. I could not believe all the changes I went through and how good they felt. I know all people go thru changes in their lives but not to the extent most transgender persons do. It is certainly a difficult journey and not recommended that you take the path I took.

Life is too Short

 

Image from Brian Wangenheim 
on UnSplash.

Time is a precious commodity and life is too short.

Days, weeks, months and years are especially precious for many transgender women and transgender men. Mainly, if you waited until later in life to break out of your gender box and transition. Which is what I did.

I could and did look at my cross-dressing years as practicing for the big event of coming out as a transgender woman. While I improved my overall skills in wardrobe and makeup basics, there always seemed to be something I was missing. Actually, there were two main things I was missing, not just one. The first one was the realization I had my idea of cross-dressing backwards. I was never a man cross-dressing as a woman, I was a woman cross-dressing as a man. The second major realization was I would have to go through several transitions to meet my goal. An example was, I needed to transition from being a cross dresser to being a transgender woman if I was ever going to make it to where I wanted to go as a transfeminine person.

To accomplish my dream, I needed to take my second wife’s advice and set out to learn what a real woman went through in life. There was so much more than just being the “Pretty, pretty princess” as she called me. The problem was, she was always my feminine gatekeeper when I tried to explore the new and exciting world I was seeking. She did not want me to make it. She was a strong person and made it tough on me to progress in any way on my gender path but still I persisted.

Time went on and the years passed me by as I went to transgender-crossdresser parties and mixers to see what I could learn. Even then, when I hit my forties, I had a sense of desperation as time went on with me, and nothing major was happening on my gender front. It was during this time of my life when I started to escape my closet and explore the world. Mainly, I was carving out a totally new life where people knew nothing of my old male self. I was free to be the new me I wanted so bad.

After I went through the darkest period of my life when I lost nearly everything and everybody who was near and dear to me, did my life come full circle, and I began to notice the light at the end of the tunnel was not the train. My guess is I had paid my dues, and destiny was opening its doors to me. Among other things, it was about this time that the Veteran’s Administration health care system approved providing gender affirming hormones for veterans such as me. I jumped at the idea of taking advantage of less expensive HRT medicines and free mental health care. Even though I had already set up my hormonal medications through a civilian doctor.

By this time, it was becoming increasingly evident to me which direction my life would have to take before it was too late. I was in the middle to late fifties of my life and if I ever was going to ever have the courage to jump off the gender cliff, I would have to do it. One thing I did not want to do was continue to live the part-time gender existence I was already living. Plus, I was rapidly nearing the point in my life when I could take early retirement. Which would preclude me from having to go through any ugly transition on the job scenarios. I worked in a very male dominated profession, so switching genders on the go could have been quite challenging.

Finally, one night when I was out to be alone, I decided I was enjoying myself so much, I needed to end my gender turmoil forever. I decided to forsake all my male privileges I had fought to earn for decades and seek out my dream life as a transgender woman. It was not a decision I took lightly as I sent all my male clothes except my Army uniform to the thrift stores which were so beneficial to me when I was first acquiring my transfeminine wardrobe and fashion.

By this time, I was sixty and I figured I would never have a better chance to transition again. I took advantage of all the feminine “practice” I had done over the years. I was able to hit the gender ground running and never looked back.

 

Chess versus Checkers in Life

 

JJ Hart in Key Largo

On occasion, it seems to me that I am playing chess when the rest of the world is playing with checkers.

Of course, I am referring to how my gender dysphoric issues have affected my life. Let me be clear too, I have never been a chess player in real life ever. None of that stops me from having the utmost respect for someone who excels at the game. So why can I compare playing chess to my life at all? The reason is I can understand life a little bit better than the average person just because I have lived my life on both sides of the primary gender borders. I have had the opportunity to see firsthand how men live and then women when I was allowed behind the gender curtain as a transgender woman.

Having the opportunity to live in both gender worlds has totally put me at odds with some in the world. Especially those who worship the orange pedo/felon. It has been ridiculous how many laws have been passed in certain areas of the country against the transgender population. My prime example is my native Ohio, where I live today. For all intents and purposes, the Republican state legislation has voted me out of existence. The question is why. To find a closer look, you must follow the money here in Ohio where a deep funded dark money political group rented out and renovated offices right across the street from the statehouse in Columbus, Ohio. It turns out the primary objective of the group was to push for anti-transgender laws in the state.

Of course, in the already corrupt legislature, the anti-trans push worked. Often in the dead of night when the Republicans pushed it through. By now you may be wondering what all this political talk has to do with playing chess. With all the new laws, transgender women and transgender men have been forced to be more skillful when they go out in public. To their credit, many of the transfeminine people I know have continued their push to live an everyday life.

On the other side of the coin, those rednecks who would not accept us have never met a trans person in their lives and don’t know how to react when they discover we are just trying to live our lives the best we can. Which gives us a better chance of acceptance when they do.

I think also, many strangers don’t trust us because we have an abundance of life knowledge and skills behind us. Which is the reason many men reject us because they know we were once in the male club and know all the tricks. On the flip side, as I was transitioning into the feminine world, I had several women ask me personal questions on how to deal with their men since I had lived in the male camp for so long. Sure, It took me a long time to be awarded my feminine chess set, but once I was, there would be no looking back and no one was going to take away my new found freedom.

Certainly, I feel the same way today as I did when I came out of my gender shell over a decade ago. This fall, my wife Liz and I are taking another tour. This time to Boston, Vermont and Maine. Even though this is our fifth tour and I have never had any restroom problems before, I always pause to consider the consequences if I do this time. All it takes is one bigot to ruin it for everyone. One way or another, no tRumper is going to keep me from using the restroom of my choice with Liz. If the last tour was any example, I won’t have to worry about any gender related questions because the best one we received last year was were Liz and I sisters.

After being able to live so many years on both sides of the gender border, I feel now I am more than qualified to bring my chess game to the public and leave my old male checkers behind. Now, I even anticipate the sport of anyone trying to challenge me in the world. It took me long enough to get here, so it is time to enjoy it the best I can without something as petty as the restroom standing in my way.

Sorry about the politics in this post, but sometimes I just need to vent the best I can when someone is succeeding in taking our transgender rights away. We just have to be better than our rivals who know nothing about gender chess.

Never forget, men play checkers while women play chess in life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cutting a Life in Half

  

JJ Hart at Witches' Ball

Cutting life in half is difficult.

Perhaps I am biased, but I feel transgender women and transgender men feel the cut deeper than the rest of the population. Some of you may even remember the days when a transsexual person was expected to go through gender realignment surgery, then move to a completely different town and start all over with their life.

At my age, I remember all of that, and it was one of the reasons I balked at going through a major gender transition in my life. However, I was fortunate. I had two transsexual role models who were determined to do the gender change in their own way. One was a Columbus, Ohio fireperson who restored her own house in German Village, an upscale historical area of Columbus. She was preparing to retire from the fire department and there was no way she would move after surgery. It has been many years since I have heard from her and the last, I had heard she and a lesbian had moved in together.

The other transsexual I briefly knew was a beautiful woman who was going to complete her gender surgeries also. As I remember, she was an accomplished electrical engineer who would have no problem finding a job wherever she decided to go. We were never close, so I lost contact with her too.

Back in those days, I was very naïve and considered a very feminine appearance was all it took to cut your life in half and start all over. I had not yet even begun to pay my dues to be able to slip behind the gender curtain. One of my main considerations back then was how far did I want to go to cut my life in half and start all over. I certainly did not have the money saved up for gender surgeries and loved my wife and new family. A lot to consider giving up. The only thing I did know was, I thought about it continually.

Then I began to explore seriously what it would take to cut my life where it was the beginning again and I could start all over as a transgender woman. Another problem I had was, the more successful baggage I accumulated as a man, the harder it would be to stop the train and go back. I was stubborn and tried to take the middle road. I worked on my makeup presentation and fashion and shopped till I dropped for just the right piece to add to my closet. At no point did I ever consider myself attractive, but I did feel I had done enough in my appearance to live that way for the rest of my life if I needed to.

As I reached the point of no return, it was time to cut my life and start all over again, but I did not. Sure, I had given away what was left of my male clothes to charity, but I did not give away my lifelong love of sports and women too. I found the big sports bars I used to frequent as a man were also welcoming to me as a transgender woman. And most amazingly, I learned my sexuality did not have to change either. I had more cisgender women and lesbians approach me as a new transfeminine woman as I ever did as a man. Dispelling another myth from the old days that when your gender changed by surgery, your sexuality had to change too.

What I did get rid of was any pictures or awards from my past. When other women talked about their families, I could talk about mine also, but just to a point. I found out the hard way, there would be no hint given at any time that I was a veteran and drafted during the Vietnam era. The entire process turned out to be a sure-fire way to out myself and draw reference to my male life if I was not careful.

Cutting and resurrecting a long life is never easy. Especially when people are curious about you. I went through tons of trial-and-error conversations before I finally began to get it right. Now I save details of my life for people like the prying woman a couple of weeks ago at the graduation party I went to. She went to the extent of calling me dad because of my daughter so I went to the extent of telling her I was drafted in the military during Vietnam. Plus, to confuse her even more, I told her my first wife, and third wife were sitting at the table also. After that, she gave up and left. It’s rare I have ever had a chance to pick and win such a battle.

In no way though, do I ever want to make any of this sound fun, because it is not. What stays and what goes away is always such a difficult set of decisions to make. I hope you can make yours easily.

 

 

 

Painting Myself into a Corner

 

Image from UnSplash.

I was always an adequate house painter and not much more.

Possibly my biggest problem was ever finishing a project. Every time I would start, I got bored and quit before the project was done. There were even times when I would unknowingly paint my way into corners. Little did I know, all of this would carry into my life as a cross dresser and later a transgender woman.

Like many of you, I started experimenting with my mom’s clothes which I became attracted to at a young age. It was most likely a carryover from watching mom (and admiring) put on her “face” or makeup as she called it. I wanted to see how the whole girl package worked for me. At that point, I began to place myself in danger of painting myself in a corner I could not get out of. The corner I am referring to is being caught and facing irreplaceable damage to my life as I knew it in a male dominated family. As the oldest son, I was expected to carry on a macho tradition.

The problem was of course I did not want anything to do with male tradition because I was enjoying my alone time cross dressing as a girl so much. I worked onward on my feminine artwork, as I sought to buy my own makeup and pantyhose from my allowance and newspaper route money. Then I experimented with my limited time until I became a little bit better and did not look like a clown in drag. I was slowly finding my voice as a transfeminine woman.

The more I discovered, the more I risked painting myself into a corner. When I was in the corner, sometimes I paused to look around for a reality check. An example was the night I was in one of my regular venues dressed to fashionably blend in with the rest of the women and I needed to discover if I wanted to escape the corner I was in at all. It turned out I loved the real me and wanted more time out of my closet. I was beginning to learn who I really was, but it turned out I would have many more corners to paint myself into. Such as settling into one new person and not changing each time I went out into the public. I was shocked how quickly people remembered me; I needed to wear the same wig as a start to solidify my future in the world as a transgender woman. In a way, the experience was boring because I was always enjoying my newfound ability to shop in wig stores for the so-called perfect hair after waiting all those years to do it.

Another of the major corners I painted myself into was how I ended up just pursuing the basics of communicating with an all-new world. I never expected people (particularly other women) would ever want to talk to me as a woman because they rarely wanted to as a man. My guess is the women were just curious about me wanting to be in their world, or just I did not threaten them anymore when they let me behind their gender curtain.

In many ways, my decision to undertake gender affirming hormones was me painting myself into a corner was the biggest risk I had ever taken. Undertaking HRT was my own ride or die. Either I made it as a transgender woman with the help of hormones would preclude me ever going back to a male life I never asked for, or I would have to find another way out. Spoiler alert: I was fortunate when I cleared the medical screening, I needed to begin what I considered to be lifesaving hormones, and I flourished. My decision could be compared to a gender insurance policy. I was making sure I was successful when I finally synced up my inner and outer selves.

Today, I have put down my paint brush and concentrated on living my life as a supported transfeminine person. Sure, I confuse some people with how to refer to me, but that is their problem not mine. They need to be educated to the world anyhow. Transgender women and transgender men are not their enemy, but their ignorance is. I filled my world with acceptance from a loving world and watched many other people paint themselves into their own corners. I took many risks along the way to do it and out of sheer will power to do it.

I have felt the depths of loneliness, all the way to having a new family all my own (except my daughter of course, she was always there). I don’t think I would recommend such a unique human journey to anyone else, but it was anything but boring.  As a painter, I have finally come close to finishing a project.

 

 

 

 

It is Just a Phase?

Image from Claudia Love on UnSplash.

Have you ever been accused of just going through a phase?

Drawing from several comments from other transgender women and trans men, including myself, I have heard us being accused of just going through a phase when it comes to being transgender.

There was a time in my life when I seriously hoped I was just going through a phase when it came to my love of dressing in feminine clothing and makeup. I wanted it to be just an innocent hobby I could put down and walk away from at any time. As years went by, I found I couldn’t replace my so-called hobby with anything else in my life. I did the worse possible thing, I tried to internalize my feelings hoping I could somehow ignore them, and the phase would go away. Of course, it never did.

I always thought my mom knew I was trying on her clothes and putting on her makeup but never said anything because she thought I was going through a phase. Obviously, she was wrong! She never had the courage to call me out on what I was doing until I brought it up to her in a very ill-fated attempt to come out when I was discharged from the Army many years later. She quickly rejected my attempt to clear the air by volunteering psychiatric care. Of course, I refused her offer because I knew I was not mentally ill. I just wanted to live a transfeminine life on my terms. We never mentioned it again for the rest of her life but at least I tried to explain my deepest secret to her.

The phase idea came to be one idea I always ran from. I did not feel deep down my feelings were a phase but still was afraid to face the truth. I ended up moving many times and trying many new jobs just to try to outrun my gender feelings. It all was exhausting to my already fragile mental health. In fact, my initial gender therapist diagnosed me as being bi-polar when all along I thought I was just terribly depressed when I never thought I could achieve my dream of living as a full-time transgender woman. I was depressed when I considered the extreme distance I still had to travel, just not as bad.

As I still managed to progress along my gender pathway, I still encountered phases I needed to go through. The major one was what I called my teen girl dressing years. As I survived my urge to stuff my oversize male body into skimpy fashions, I was quickly laughed back into my closet several times before I learned the proper way to attempt to blend in with what other women my age were wearing. Easily, it was the most difficult phase I needed to deal with. Mainly because I was so stubborn.

It turned out the stubbornness I possessed was just what I needed to keep going. Deep down I knew I was in the middle of one of the most complex journeys a human can take, and I could be successful if I tried hard enough. It all meant I needed to earn my way through the feminine gatekeepers I faced to be allowed to play in their sandbox.  I was petrified when I needed to actually begin to talk one on one with other women. Very early on, I was frightened of their reaction when they learned I was not a cis-gendered woman. This was before I learned my path to womanhood was as valid as theirs. I just came to mine along a different path. Amazingly to me, the doors were opened to me, and I was permitted to play behind the gender curtain.

It was around this time when I began one of the most powerful phases of my life, when I made the correct decision to begin gender affirming hormones, or HRT. I say powerful because the new hormones I was prescribed by a doctor turned out to be everything I dreamed of and more. If anything, else, the hormones proved my whole life was not a phase. Now I felt as if I was arriving home in the deepest sense. If you compared my hormonal life as a circle, I was completing mine. The effects of HRT made me feel whole as a transfeminine woman. I could feel deeper, be more emotional and enjoy the world as never before.

I proved, more than ever before, my life was not a phase, I was much more than just a man putting on a dress. I proved all along I was a woman putting on a male face and clothes all along. At the least, I could rest easily knowing what my gender issue was all along. Not a phase but my life.

 

 

The Big Risk

 

Image from Joshua Rawson Harris
on UnSplash.

When you jump from one of the main binary genders to the other. In my case of course it meant leaving all my hard-earned male privileges behind and move into a largely unknown world.

The risk was tremendous the farther I went along. Mainly because I was accumulating an increasingly amount of male baggage. Such as family, house and good job. At the same time, I was perfecting my transfeminine appearance, which encouraged me to move forward in the world. To be sure, I was involved in being tested with a double-edged sword. Or which way should I go? I spent many wasted hours trying to obsess over my future, which was still very vague. At that point I did not even know if I could even exist in a fully transfeminine world. On nights I was accepted by the public, gender euphoria told me I could. Then, on the nights I was rejected by the public, I thought there was no way I could ever live my dream, and it would remain just that…a dream. A dream which never would go away. 

Through it all, the idea of risking all my existence remained with me and naturally scared me to my bones. I was hiding away my biggest secret and even though I did internalize it well, it was a drain on my mental health. Which is a side story I tell often because it is something I think more transgender women and trans men can learn from. At least I hope so.

Something else, I don’t think the average person understands about us, is this is not a casual joke to us, and we just cannot stop putting on a dress on a whim. We are ready to risk it all to live an authentic life as our true selves. Free from our closets. The problem was at the end of a day out, most of us must go back to our old unwanted male selves (or female selves for trans men). For me, it was always a heart-breaking experience as I tried desperately to maintain my male façade for my wife and work.  The only alternative I had was to attempt to live part of my life as a trans woman and the other half as a macho man. It tore me up.

The entire process just became worse and worse when I began to carve out an all-new life in a feminine world. The more success I felt, the less I wanted to go back to my old life and began to research the prospect of living my lifetime dream. In fact, all I can remember all I really wanted to be when I was young was, I wanted to be a woman. Which of course, I needed to keep to myself. I was miserable as I felt as if I was the only boy in the world who felt that way. It took me years to learn I was not the only male in the world who wanted to be female and was prepared to take the risk to do it.

I was able to find a couple of real live acquaintances who took the risk, almost, so I could judge what it meant for me if I decided to follow in their footsteps. I say almost because one the transsexual women I knew was a very attractive retired firefighter in Columbus, Ohio and had a very good pension to live on. The other trans woman I knew was even more attractive in her own right and a very accomplished electrical engineer and would always find a job. I had a good job but not one which would carry over to a gender transition. So, I had much more to consider, not to mention neither of the women I mentioned were in a serious spousal relationship and I was. Right in the middle of a twenty-five-year marriage. I would later come to know how similar yet drastically different our transgender community is.

The pressure I was feeling to take the final risk continued to build. Aided by the success I was having in dealing with the public, I was encouraged to take the final risk in my life. At this point, destiny stepped in to show me the way. My two major stopping points were my second wife and what I would do for an income after I transitioned.

My wife tragically died, leaving me with one to speak of to object to me leaving my old life behind and beginning a new one. Then, by that time, I was in reach of being able to retire on early Social Security income plus what I could sell online. In many ways, the lightning did come right before the rain for me and then the sun came out. When it did, I could see my dream life had arrived and I could live how I wanted to.

 

 

 

The Gender Comfort Zone

Image from Thomas
Vitali on UnSplash.

 It took decades to reach a point where I could say I was comfortable with my gender issues. The point where I could look at myself in the mirror and say I was satisfied with the image I saw.

Before that time, I always just saw my old male face staring back at me. Finally, I glimpsed the beginning of seeing a femininized version of myself. I had hope for the future. The frustrating part was trying to figure out what to do with my new gender life. Up to that point, I felt my gender desires for the most part was unreachable.

Even still. I worked very hard to take myself out of the world of being male and did see glimpses of seeing my authentic feminine self-hiding behind my everyday boring life. Before long, I was spending every spare moment thinking of the next time I could work on my femininized life. Little did I know at that time how long and difficult my gender journey would be. Up to that point, I considered a woman’s life to be mostly tied in with their ability to wear pretty clothes. Along with the seasonal changes to their wardrobes. At the time, my second wife was telling me the truth about pursuing my dream. In other words, a woman’s life was so much more than how you looked.

I found out the hard way, she was correct when I started to enter the world as a transgender woman. I needed to really begin to study the cisgender women around me if I was ever to be successful. I did not know it at the time; she meant learning all the layers of existence women go through in their lives. Such as having the man she was married to (me) go away because he wanted to be a woman. I have the utmost respect for her because she put up with me when she did during our twenty-five-year marriage before she passed away. From a totally unexpected massive heart attack. Tragically, the only unwilling gender mentor I had in my life was suddenly gone.

I ended up making the best of my new life without her and ultimately did find my comfort zone as a transgender woman. The most difficult time in reaching my new zone (as I always point out) was when I was forced to communicate one on one or face to face with another woman. I was so scared to speak I tried not to talk at all. Quickly I learned that idea only portrayed me as being either unfriendly or worse yet, bitchy. No way to make new friends as I found my new comfort zone.

Once I began to arrive totally at my transgender womanhood, I was unbelievably relieved. Even to the point of wondering if I could finally be happy for the first time in my life. Happiness was never a priority in my family, and it took me shedding my old male life to find how it was to be happy.

On occasion, I think I oversimplify the transition process I (or other transgender women or men) go through just to live their lives. Especially, these days when so many roadblocks are thrown up in our lives by the orange hater in the White House. But that is another topic all together, since my views are known.

Wherever you may be in your life of gender transition, don’t despair too far if your closet is dark and locked to the world. You never know when your life can change, and you can achieve your own level of gender comfort. Plus, your level of comfort could be vastly different to mine or anyone else’s. There is no right or wrong when it comes to any of these.

It has also seemed to me; I leased my old male life and was simply looking for my deposit back when I was allowed to finally go behind the gender curtain and cross the border. What the ciswomen gatekeepers did not tell me was I not going to get much of my deposit back I had built up as my old male self. Male privilege was gone, along with any security I had built up. In the end, I was able to give up and sacrifice all I had lost in order to enter the comfort zone I had gained.

 

 

Relax!

 

Image from Clem Onojeghuo
on UnSplash.

As transgender women or transgender men, often relaxation can be a key to our survival. The sad part is relaxation can be very difficult to come by. 

If you are like me, when you first discovered the pleasures of dressing in your mom's or sister's clothing, there was an extreme element of danger involved. If my secret was ever discovered, life as I knew it would be destroyed. With that hanging over my head, it was very hard to relax. Somehow, I thought as the years rushed by, I could relax as I enjoyed looking at myself in the mirror cross dressed as a girl, but I did not.

In fact, it got worse the more I ventured into the world for the first time as a self-proclaimed transgender woman. I was concentrating on making sure I was on point with my fashion, makeup and hair, I just could not relax on the reality of putting the appearance I achieved into moving as best I could as a woman. My best laid plans of presenting as an attractive woman could quickly be destroyed by moving like a linebacker when I walked. So, until I earned the confidence I needed to be out in the world, I just could not relax.

Ironically, I did get better at putting my feminized body into motion and was beginning to learn how to relax as a trans woman until an even bigger obstacle came my way. The set back came when I needed to begin to communicate with other women and men in the world. No longer could I go out preparing to be by myself, when so many people (mainly women) wanted to talk. I was caught in a new strange never-never land where I had never been before. I did not know what to do. If I was too chatty would other people, consider me too forward, and on the other hand, if I did not say enough, I would appear to be unfriendly and not approachable at all. Plus, on top of all of that, I was very paranoic in how my voice sounded to the public. 

At first, when I talked to another woman, I attempted to mimic her voice and do the best I could. Most importantly, I needed to quit anticipating what another woman was going to say to me and listen more intently than I ever did as a man. As I already knew, cisgender women were very different than men, but I was never allowed behind the gender curtain to discover the true extent of the differences. As I always mention, I had plenty of instances when I did not watch my back and ended up being clawed by a passive aggressive woman before I understood to watch for everyone. On the other hand, I had very few interactions with men and did not have to worry where they were coming from since most stayed away from me.

Through it all, today I can't say I can ever relax completely. Especially with the current state of affairs against the transgender world thanks to a certain orange felon. It's so bad in my native Ohio, the courts are battling laws which outlaw me using the restroom of my choice at all.  How am I supposed to feel about getting arrested when I am doing nothing wrong.

The only advice I can give anyone considering starting their own gender journey is to take the time to build your own confidence so you can proceed. Confidence is the key to relaxing as you are able to enjoy the path to your new life. 

Losing Through Winning

 

Image from Humphrey Muleba 
on UnSplash. 

Sometimes during our lives, we have to lose to send ourselves forward into a better place.

It seems, transgender women and transgender men have so much more to lose when they transition across the gender border. As I often mention, we have to consider spouses, extended family, friends and employment as we grow into our unique authentic selves. I spent years in anguish trying to determine what to do about the two women fighting about my life. I mean my strong inner woman and my equally as strong wife of twenty five years, both of whom, I loved dearly. 

It turned out, the only loser was my male self, and he was not going down without a fight. When I was stuck between genders, my mental health suffered greatly. Even leading me to a suicide attempt when I did not think I could make a decision and could not take it any longer. I was attempting to live my regular working life as a male and the rest of the time as a transgender woman, and it was tearing me apart. The gender nightmare I was going through, I would have not wished on my worst enemy.

Finally, I decided I needed to lose one of my genders attempting to run my life. Due to an ever increasingly deep down feeling I was doing the right thing; I chose to go deeper and deeper down the gender rabbit hole and pursue my transgender womanhood. When I did, an unbelievable exciting, fulfilling new life opened for me. All of a sudden, I was being invited behind the gender curtain to girl's night outs and even accepted a gift from my daughter to have my suddenly longer hair styled at her upscaled salon. Looking back, I think my hormonal estrogen level increased significantly that day due to osmosis. Suddenly I learned why all women value so much their time at the beauty spa's. I was learning again why I could never go back to the male world I was losing.

As I looked around, what else did I have to lose? My wife had passed away, I closed my restaurant, lost most of my close friends to cancer, so I had nothing but a temporary fast food managerial job I hated to get me by until I could take an early retirement. Plus, I was on gender affirming hormones (HRT) by then, and my body was femininizing fast. My wins were rapidly overtaking the losses in my life. 

During the space of approximately five years, I had walked through the gender door perceiving I was little more than a parttime cross dresser and came out the other side as a full-fledged happy transgender woman. My male self-had totally lost and it was time for me to enjoy the win with my new women friends around me who taught me more than they ever knew about valuing myself. 

As with the rest of you who have gender transitioned, or are seriously considering it, I am sure I don't have to tell you what a big decision it is. First you need to accept yourself, then see if others will accept you too. Once you do, you can begin to win and put your losses behind you.  

Should You Be a Jumper?

 

Image from Jeremy Bishop
on UnSplash. 

As we go through life, many of us have chances to jump and try to improve our status. 

As I lived, I certainly registered in the jumper category. I have no idea if many of the decisions I made concerning employment changes and resultant family moves had anything to do with my gender issues, but I always assumed they did. What if I was trying to just jump and hide from wanting to live a feminine life and escape the old male one, I was forced to live. 

The one thing I did learn relatively early in life was I did not have to put up with seemingly huge obstacles put in front of me. The biggest example was when it became obvious, I was going away to serve my country during a very unpopular and deadly war in Vietnam. Immediately, since I worked for a congressman's radio station, I sought out help to work in a very small section of the military...American Forces Radio and Television. I thought, why not try and see if I could pull off a miracle of sorts, so I went ahead and jumped by sending off letters to Washington, DC. Amazingly, I received a fairly positive letter back and went on to eventually landing a spot on the network. So, jumping really helped me, and actually spoiled me for the near future.

When I was discharged from the military, I played around for a while and ended up on a cross-country car trip with my future first wife and mother of my only child. Since we were driving from my home in Ohio to her home in California, we covered many miles with side trips to visit friends in Texas and Seattle. It was fun as my fairly new Chevrolet Vega held together well enough to make the trip. And all the jumping helped me to briefly forget all my gender issues. 

When we returned, I pooled together my savings with a friend and bought a small neighborhood tavern in my hometown. It was quite the jump as my dad described it best as a place which had two doors, so the Flys did not have to stop when they went through. Even though dad's opinion spoke for itself, we worked on the tavern and finally made it a success when we added homemade pizza and deli sandwiches. Sadly, I destroyed all of my hard-earned success because of excessive alcohol abuse, and I lost the whole operation. 

Ironically, I did not learn my lesson with restaurants because later on in life, I quit a very good commercial chain restaurant job to risk a fairly sizeable inheritance I inherited when my dad died. This time, due to a severe economic downturn in the town I lived, I lost the whole gamble after about five years. Proving once and for all, my jumps did not all turn out well. 

Later on in life, I blamed much of my dependence on alcohol as just a way to jump life and not have to deal with being a transgender woman. Even still, I was far from finished from jumping. As I began to go public as a novice trans woman, I learned I could actually live the dream life I wanted. To do it though, I would have to jump through a set of very serious hoops to succeed. What would I do with the fairly successful male life I had worked so hard to succeed with. When each of us considers a total gender jump to the other side, we have to wonder what will become of our family, friends and employment. Rather than considering the process as a jump for me, I always thought of it as sliding down a steep gender slope towards a cliff of unknown depth. 

Regardless, I gathered all of my courage and put my male life behind me. I gathered up all my male clothes and gave them to the thrift store and set out with my gender affirming hormones into an exciting new world. 

In the world of transgender women and transgender men, it is extremely difficult to advise or give much guidance to each other. Frustratingly, many trans people share the same path but on the other hand don't. It shows up in the maddening ways we can't seem to truly unite as a strong "T" under the LGBTQ umbrella. It is difficult for all of us to jump together. I can't say you should be a gender jumper or not. It has to come from deep inside you.

From Obsession to Passion

 

Image from Kayshawn Herandez
on UnSplash. 

For years I considered my desire to cross dress was more an obsession than anything else.

Similar to many of you, I started my path to femininization innocently enough by rummaging through my mom's clothes. Whatever I could fit into was fair game for me. The pleasure of the overall experience soon turned into an obsession. When I returned home from school and was alone, I locked myself into the bathroom and got busy with mom's clothes and makeup. 

Even though I was wrapped up in my obsession at such a young age, doubts snuck through and slowly became evident. The biggest doubt was I was more than just a cross dresser. I wanted to be so much more. Such as the totality of being a girl. Looking back, it was sad I did not have more information on gender issues because I would have discovered and hopefully faced up to the fact, I was more transgender than cross dresser. 

As I trudged forward through life, I stubbornly held on to the best I could to my largely unwanted male ways as I idolized the girls around me. Thinking they had all the assets in life. Primarily the one in which they did not have to be forced to serve in the military during the Vietnam War as I did. Why did girls not have to serve, and I did, made me quite bitter. However, there was nothing I could do about it, so off to serving three years in the Army I went. 

As soon as I was honorably discharged from the military, I began to restart my cross-dressing obsession in earnest. Off came my Army mustache and on came the blond wig. Since my first wife knew I cross dressed and did not really care, I was able to do more exploration into the world of fashion, wigs and makeup. In essence, I was making up for all the lost time (three years) I had in the Army when I could not cross dress. The lone exception was a Halloween party when I dressed as a prostitute. The one night of bliss hardly made up for the three years of staying away from my obsession to at the least appear as a woman. 

When I finally had the courage to try out the world as my increasingly evident feminine self, my focus began to change from obsession to passion. I spent every spare moment daydreaming of how it would be to try out what I was doing as a man to a woman. During this time, gender reality shifts turned out to be a major point of my life. Especially when I actually began to live out my gender dreams.

What I did then was set up mini gender "bucket lists" to attempt to conquer. I say attempt because several were ill-advised and nearly impossible to accomplish. One in particular led me down a dangerous safety path when my male security privilege was lost. I almost learned the hard way not to be on dark city streets out of my car unescorted. Even though, I was still stubborn about my passion, I learned I needed to be careful. When I went back to the area where I was approached at night, I made sure I asked one of my transgender man friends to escort me. It was a new experience to ask for help. 

My passion to be a full-time transgender woman took me through gender affirming hormones and changes I never thought possible. I was grateful I was medically cleared to take the meds by a doctor at the advanced age of sixty.   

I am also grateful to be living my passion now with a wife who loves me very much. I took over a half a century to get there but I switched a basic obsession to a fulltime passion, and I never looked back. 

It is NOT a Choice

Image from Alexander Grey 
on UnSplash

I still get aggravated when someone says being transgender is a choice.

Realistically, why would I have ever chosen to live the life I am living. Would I have made the choice to give up everything I worked so hard to achieve just to put on a dress, makeup and heels and attempt to live a feminine life. All the material benefits I had acquired as part of my life as a white male privileges disappeared for good, if I wanted them to to or not.

Suddenly, I learned the hard way what it was like to have my personal security threatened as well as being mansplained when I attempted to insert my feelings on a topic I knew quite a bit about. Quickly I discovered many examples. I nearly found out the hard way, if I dressed too provocatively at a mixer, I would be cornered and harassed by an over bearing transvestite admirer. In an instant, I learned how it would be to be a helpless woman being overwhelmed by a much larger man. Not a pleasant experience and it was not all of my lessons. One night when I was blissfully minding my own business on a dark city sidewalk, I was approached by two sketchy men wanting a handout. Fortunately, I still had a lone five dollar bill for them and they went on their way. From then on my new feminine common sense began to grow and I started to develop the gender protective sense all women acquire as part of their life experiences.

None of what I was experiencing was a choice and not part of me being validating  myself as a woman. All I needed to know was I had no choice but to follow my path if I was able to look myself in the mirror and know I was doing the right thing. Coupled with the natural feelings I was experiencing, my supposed choice was made. 

I knew over a span of time, I would learn to deal with being mansplained was something I just had to deal with as a transgender woman. I will never forget the day I had to sit in a tow truck and be subjected to being bored when the driver was telling me how the truck worked. Finally, I gave him my best blond act until he finished all his rock bottom explanations. On one of my few dates with men, quickly I found I knew nothing about subjects such as sports and politics.

Why would I choose to be something as difficult as being a woman? My entire life became dedicated to proving the world wrong. I could carve out and experience a new life as a transgender woman and thrive. But again, I needed to prove all the naysayers wrong. The only natural feminine attribute I started with was my brain. Which for some reason, kept telling me I was doing life completely wrong because I was living it as a male instead of my more natural female. Finally, all the pressure to change and all the stress to explore the world as a trans woman. I was living in a world of alternate facts which was increasingly too complex to handle. I came to the point where I felt as an impostor when I went out of the house as a man. Can you imagine that? Feeling as an impostor when you attempt to live as your birth gender. It happened to me.

All the process proved to an outsider is gender issues are not a choice. During the process none of us understands, we are born into system we never asked for. The path is often a bumpy one with plenty of curves and stop signs. We have to wait our turn before we move on. 

For any number of reasons, the true number of transgender women and trans men may never be known. One thing is for sure, there are many more hidden transgender individuals waiting to take their turn and enter the world. Regardless of all the negative publicity we receive, transgender people have been around forever and will remain a part of the human experience. After all, we don't have a choice.

A Trangender Happy Place?

 

Picnic Image from the Archives. 
Liz on right. 

Is there really ever a "happy place" to be considered if you are a transgender woman or a transgender man.

During our lives, we go through so much turmoil and change, we have very little chance to be happy with our choices. Primarily because we enter our interactions with others in a dramatic way. A prime example is the swapping of gender privileges. I remember vividly the night I lost a portion of my intelligence when I attempted to talk about a topic I knew quite a bit about with a man, It was the opposite of the intimidation a trans man friend I know told me about his new communication skills with other men, including rest room visits. Up to the point of me thinking initially the only privilege I was gaining was having men open the door for me. Later I learned I was wrong, there were other more substantial privileges to be gained by joining the world of women. They were just hidden from me and I needed to earn it. 

All the gender privileges in the world I found could not make me happy. Of course I could trace my search of the illusive happiness back to my up bringing. Being happy was not a priority in our family and I did not know how to be happy. So it took me years to at the least be satisfied with my gender transition process but not happy. I just had to be willing to take the walk. Since the walk included many ups and downs, my happy place still was difficult to find. Also, per norm, I was doing my transition different than many others. 

Examples are how I found other women who accepted me for who I was. I did it by going out repeatedly as a single transgender woman and risking the inherent danger in doing so. I was lucky and escaped several potential risks to my personal safety when I did it. The small circle of friends I found and I consumed way too much alcohol and drove all too frequently. Something I do not recommend to anyone. Another chance I took was going on line dating sites to try to find a partner since I was so lonely. Predictably, I was hammered by trash and less than stable responses. Plus, when I refused to meet up with the occasional local person who responded to me, unless we met first in a public spot, I was met with no shows or some squirrely guy who wanted to wear my panties. Not to mention the guys who were married. One of which I had a fabulous date night with but I knew there was no future. 

Through it all, I was still thinking I could find happiness. Somehow, I knew happiness could be around the next corner of the path I was on and was I blaming I could not be happy because I was transgender. Quoting "Jelly Roll" there was a very dark hallway between my ears. I needed to give up any ideas of impostor syndrome when I was successful in the world of women. I could not be happy until I gave up all of the guilt. After all, I was not doing anything wrong when I just was attempting to leave my old male self behind and live as my authentic self. 

All of this leads me to the question, am I happy now and does a transgender happy place really exist. While I am satisfied with my life as it exists now, I still work at being happy. For me happiness will be a learned response I can blame my parents for and not a result of being transgender. In fact, more than a few of the moments I call gender euphoria (or happiness) came because of my gender journey. 

The problem with envisioning a life of not having gender issues is impossible for me because I have always lived with it and it was never a choice. So I am biased that a happy transgender place has been very difficult for me, I have partially lit the dark place between my ears and am constantly searching for more. 

Dealing With Trans Rejection

Image from Jakayla Toney
on UnSplash.

Similar to so many transgender women or trans men, I have dealt with my share of rejections. 

My first major rejection came when I tried to come out to a friend when I was young. Instead of accepting me in anyway, he seemed to be embarrassed, shook his head and walked away. With that, I was forced again into my lonely, confused gender closet. I learned the hard way my friends did not want anything to do with a cross dressed companion. 

Little did I know, I needed to become used to rejection in my life. Somehow I needed to grow a thicker skin. Then again, all of my rejections did not come from outside sources. Sometimes rejection came from within as my male self became quite the transphobe. He did not want to give up any of his white male privileges plus being made fun of when I first started to try to out myself into the real world. Ironically, my male self tried to team up with my second wife to reject any ideas of a transgender life for me. To be fair, my wife was always OK with me being a cross dresser but drew the line at any idea of me going any further towards being a trans woman and to be fair to me, she knew I cross dressed before we were married.

Skipping ahead again to the times I was rejected when I tried to go out and test the public waters as a novice gender divergent person, there were plenty of times when I was rejected. Sometimes, it was merely being stared at, other times people being rude and asking for pictures, all the way to be out and out laughed at. All of the negatives led to me coming home in tears and laying down on my bed and sobbing. For some reason, after my tears, my basic stubbornness kicked in and I began to look at ways I could improve my presentation. Slowly but surely, I did improve but the rejection scars remained behind to haunt me. Mainly, my confidence was affected leading to even more unwanted rejections. I was just too timid when I was a novice transgender woman. Many times, I gave myself away.

The worst time I ever had was when a woman followed me into the women's room in one of the regular venues I went to. As always, I chose a stall, completed my business and had started to wash my hands when I turned around and faced a red faced woman who immediately started to scream at me. When she called me a pervert, I said enough is enough. For some reason I don't remember now, I learned she was a hair dresser, so I asked her if she had a business card. She asked why and I said I wanted to pass it along to our local LGBTQ organization so they could publicize her bigotry in their monthly news letter. With that, she turned around and stormed out of the woman's' room  and we went back to our seats. My reaction to her slur must have worked because she refused to even look at me when we had the chance to closely pass each other in the venue. 

Even though I was semi successful (I think) in backing down the bigot, I am still scarred by the incident. Especially these days when politicians in my native Ohio are attempting to make the simple act of using the restroom of your choice would become a crime. So far, they have been unsuccessful because of issues of enforcement. 

Perhaps, rejection is just a part of the transgender pathway we all have to follow and the ones who are successful in our journey are just the people who deal with it the best. Then again do rejections just scar us to the point of never properly recovering. Much like all the times I was turned down when I asked a girl out ended up how I viewed the the entire world of women. I let a few skew my feelings of the many. which is sometimes what happens with transgender women or trans men. When we are painted with broad strokes like that, often it can lead to rejections. I wonder if my friend I came out to so many years ago still remembers the one he met. Did I make any sort of a good impression or did I ruin it for any trans women he may meet now. There is no way to know but sometimes I find it fascinating to think about. 

I am happy to say, I came out of my years of hiding and dealing with rejection relatively unscarred and equipped to live a positive life.  

Trans Girl Playing with Butches and Bears

 

Wishing you a Happy Pride Month!

One of the mistakes I made when I first came out of my dark, isolated gender closet was thinking the gay and lesbian community had very few layers. 

Quickly I learned how wrong I was. In the male gay community, there were tops and bottoms, drags and bears just to name a few. Not to be undone, women in the lesbian community have butches, femmes, lipstick lesbians, gold star lesbians and baby dykes. Again just to name a few. Initially, I was confused by wondering how I fit in as a transgender woman, if at all.

Just as quickly I learned the male gay world was not for me. I tried going to male gay bars when I first came out and was roundly rejected. For the most part, the majority of the people thought I was a drag queen. Which of course I wasn't. It didn't take long for me to leave the gay scene for the most part and try new venues. About this time, two small lesbian venues opened as luck would have it, I was not accepted in one but had no problems in the other.  The first one was a hard core biker dyke bar and they had no use for a trans woman on her own in their bar. Just to be a pain to them, I kept going back before I found other places to spend my money. 

As I mentioned, the other bar was a direct opposite. I went often and ended up meeting several butch lesbians which were interesting. Ironically, it was not my first interaction with butches since my first dinner date as a trans woman was with a super-butch who later transitioned into a transgender man. Through it all, I thought I could handle myself and deep down I was flattered by any attention I received such as the night I was gifted a beer by a lesbian who said she should take me home with her, Since I was still married at the time, I didn't think it would be a good idea to follow up on her idea, Just like the night a super-butch in a cowboy hat would not take no for an answer when it came to singing karaoke with her. After our ill-fated attempt ended, she commented I had a lower voice than hers as I rapidly paid my bar tab and left. I never saw her again or was asked to sing. Yes, I was that bad.

On the other end of the spectrum were the interactions I experienced with the big burly male gay bears I happened to run into. I have no idea what the attraction was but I could count on at least a couple of these macho looking men with Pride or Bear flags stopping me to say hello. Including the time, Liz and I just happened to go into a gay bar in New Orleans which was frequented by several bears and the same thing happened. Instead of being shunned, I was welcomed. 

I finally figured out there was something in the aura I was exuding as a trans person and it was resonating with a few of the extremes of the gay and lesbian community. For example, I was never approached by a gay man or lipstick (femme) lesbian at all. At the time, none of it mattered because life was so new and exciting to me when I first explored my new world. 

Playing with butches and bears just added to the intrigue and fun as I discovered the many layers of the LGBTQ society. Maybe they realized I had so many added layers to me too and wanted to research more. Even though, I was a new transgender woman in the world, life was so much more exciting and simple at the same time. Maybe I was similar to a child and when the newness wore off, I became more jaded. 

I still feel though, if the world understood all the varied layers of the LGBTQ world they may try to treat us better.

Strong Women Role Models

Hand Beaded Transgender Hair
Barret from Liz T Designs on
Etsy 

 I am speculating most transgender women or even trans men have experienced at least one or more strong women in their lives.

For any number of reasons, women have been forced to be strong and carry the load for weak men. For many, their first entrance into true womanhood comes with having children. With current economic conditions the way they are, the days of the old fifties version of Mom staying home to raise the kids and take care of the house is long gone. To barely make it financially, both partners have to work.

Problems then arise when the man still wants to follow the old outdated male standards of doing very little around the house to help out. 

By now, you may be asking what does this have anything to do with being a transgender woman. With me, at least, it means a lot. My Mom worked out a deal with my Dad in the sixties. If she went back to work as a school teacher and used her college degree, my Dad would help her out with hiring a part-time housekeeper. Even with the help, Mom had a lot to do with two sons in a very male orientated family. Even though I admired my Dad for being a self made man coming out of the Great Depression and WWII, I had more on hands experience with my Mom who was very headstrong. Who knows, maybe that influence with her had more to do with me being transgender than anything else. Later I was to learn my gender issues ran deeper than one person outside of myself.

Even so, I still searched for the perfect woman to model myself after. I wanted to appear as the confident women in the world I saw moving around in their lives. The older I became, the more I learned the perfect woman did not exist and many women were hurting themselves attempting the be a successful person in the world as well as on the home front. Not to mention, the overwhelming problem of appearance. Until recent times, aging has not been kind to most women who among other things suffer from extended menopause. 

All of these factors contribute to why I have such a high opinion of strong women and how I think the world is changing quickly as many more young women seize the new opportunities in the world around them while young men play video games. 

With all the changes, it is important to figure out how a transgender woman can fit in at all. Certainly, we have to be a better woman to do it at all. Which means understanding all the layers of a woman's life. That is once of the reasons some women resist letting trans women play in the girls sandbox at all. As my second wife always told me in no uncertain terms, I needed to earn my way in. Maybe that is why I never considered her a strong woman role model for me at all. My Mom on the other hand, was a strong role model for me. From how she applied her makeup to how she battled me for my future, I appreciated all she did for me. Including of course, birthing me. She remained my role model even though she rejected me when I came out as a transvestite to her. She immediately said she would pay for a psychiatrist which I rejected. Since I didn't have a mental health problem because of my gender issues. 

We never mentioned my desire to change my gender the rest of her life but even so I decided to adopt her first name as my legal middle name when I transitioned and legally changed my name. It was the biggest honor I could think of for all the things she did for me. The most relevant thing she did for me was to show me what a strong woman was and how to be one. A trait I would really need as I followed all the ups and downs of following a new gender path.

It is ironic to me, the strongest women I know like Liz or Kim have very little idea of how much they have helped me along and the most frustrating part is I don't think I can ever repay what they have done for me. 

Who knows? You might be an offspring of the very few strong women like my daughter. She had to became an ally for her trans child and was then able to take advantage of helping her child at an early age. Maybe your Mom realized your authentic gender self and became an ally rather than the cruel opposite.  If you didn't, you were forced to do what the rest of us did. Study strong women close up and do your best to join their ranks. I was fortunate enough to be able to work professionally along side several strong women who I learned from. The women seemed to combine strength and humility seamlessly to forge a successful business career. 

There are so many variations on how to become a successful strong trans woman it is difficult to mention them all. We all need to the do the best we can to force our way into a world where sometimes we are not wanted.