Transgender Dreams

 

Image from Alex Azabache 
on UnSplash.

My last question from my transgender grandchild for my yearlong book of questions I am putting together went something like this: If I had it all to do over again, what would I tell my twenty-year-old self about life.

First of all, before I answer, the questions come from a site called "Story Worth", and at the end of a year, they put all the weekly questions together to form a book on your life. It was a gift from my daughter. I am more than three-quarters through it already with a chance to add more questions for a small amount of extra money.

Now, back to my twenty-year-old self. First of all, at that time, I was consumed by two issues. Being drafted into the military along with a strong desire to be a woman. Conflicting problems to be certain which I was having a very difficult time dealing with. In the tried and true if I had known then what I know now, I would not have spent so much time worrying about basic training and beyond. I learned as I went through basic, that after I got into shape, it was just a team building experience with military realities built in. I made it through much easier than I thought I would and then prepared myself to serve out the remainder of my three-year enlistment. To be honest, I did not join the Army because I wanted to, or I thought it would make me anymore of a man. I was drafted into the service because of the Vietnam War. 

If anything, my gender issues became stronger when I was away in the military, as I constantly day-dreamed any spare moment I had about when I would become a civilian again and be able to pursue my dream of being a woman. It was all I had to get me by. 

Little did I know at the age of twenty, how complex and difficult my gender journey would take me throughout my life. To put it into perspective, the Army only took three years away from me, while deciding to finally come out as a transgender woman, took me forty more. I am sure my twenty years old would have asked why it took me so long to face the reality of who I really was and quit making excuses. I kidded myself for years thinking I was strong and would have to admit to my twenty-year-old, I simply wasn't. 

I would also have to tell my young self to not be afraid to dream because without dreams to achieve, often we arrive nowhere. I would have never made it to my goal of transgender womanhood unless I dreamed of it all those years and took steps to finally make it. Regardless of all the self-destructive behavior I put myself through. You only have one life to live and should try to do the best you can to preserve it. 

I was fortunate to have lived long enough to see my life come full circle from that confused twenty-year-old I was. When I did, I was able to achieve transgender dreams I never thought possible.  Of course, none of us know our ultimate destinies, the least we can do is accomplish goals which lead us in the right direction.

If you are in your closet, thinking you are trapped like I was, just do your best to look for the opportunities you may have to escape. Later on in life, it all may come back to help you with your transgender dreams.

Trans Lost and Found

 

Lost woman from UnSplash

During a transgender persons' life, we experience many enormous periods of  lost and founds. 

Perhaps the biggest loss most of us face is with our families. In the transgender transition process, often many in families choose not to understand our journeys to living as our authentic selves. I am very familiar with the process when my brother decided to end all dealings with me when his family decided they did not want me at a family Thanksgiving dinner. We have not spoken since and that was over ten years ago. Needless to say, I am not happy about all I lost with my brother. As I always write is how fortunate I was when I found other family to fill the void. Between my wife's Liz's family and the acceptance I found from my daughter's in laws, I found more than I lost. 

Another major portion of our old male lives we have a tendency to lose is much of the old baggage we have to try to bring along. Interests such as mechanics and sports are stereotyped as male and are frowned upon back in the day when transsexuals were expected to go through gender realignment surgery and then move away and start a brand new life. I saw the whole process as one of the biggest obstacles of me potentially giving up everything which I earned to start all over again. I wanted in a large part to have my cake and eat it too. Could I really, transition into a feminine based life and keep most of my interests? 

I was stubborn and found out I could when destiny led me to a whole new group of friends who helped me into a new world. In essence, I found more than I ever lost, even though going through the separation from my old male life was very traumatic and stressful. More than anything, the finality of the loss off of many of my old male friends to death was tough to take, including losing my wife of course. Before the found began to flourish in my life, it seemed the losses would take over and they almost did. 

It took awhile but slowly and surely. I began to climb out of my valley and begin to climb again at the age of sixty. I shed (or lost) almost all the parts of my male life and even though I was scared of the future, I could at the least look ahead to better times ahead. Finding more than I lost became a fun goal for me as my life changed. 

I hear from so many other transgender women whose lives parallel mine. Either they continued with a skill they earned earlier in life or were able to meet others who made their gender transitions so much easier. One way or another,  the losses didn't feel as bad. Sadly, there are the other trans women and transgender men who never seem to not struggle with their loss of family or employment. It is just another example of how being transgender is everything but a choice. 

Perhaps, as being transgender continues to be better known thanks to the internet, everyone will have the chance to pick and choose with more confidence what is lost and what is found with their life. Then have a chance to cherish what is found.

Dream it To be It

Image from Jon Tyson
on UnSplash

 If you are similar to me, many times when you woke up as a kid in the morning you were saddened when you realized the experience you had was nothing more than an evil dream. In other words, in my dreams I was living life as the girl or woman I always wanted to be.

As I grew older, the dreams never went away. Instead they just became more complex and intense. Often the dreams were so intense I would have a difficult time trying to return to reality. Once I did return to my unwanted life as a male, I didn't want to be there. All along I was pursuing a highly secret life in my dark gender closet. When I did it, at the least, I could relieve the pressure of not being a feminine person the best I could do. 

Ironically, it was near this time when I started to participate in organized athletics. During my earliest days of interacting with coaches I learned the basics of muscle memory. To oversimplify the idea, it means you just repeat a motion until it becomes a habit. It turned out, over the years of learning the best I could to cross the gender border, I used the idea of applying muscle memory to certain aspects of moving as a woman. I practiced and I practiced until it became difficult to switch back to moving as my old male self. 

During this time also, I was dreaming more and more concerning the possibility I could ever live fulltime as a transgender woman. The more positive feedback I received the closer the dream became to reality. I began to seriously dream my biggest goal might become become a distant reality. I knew then I had serious work to do. I began a stairstep method to my male to female gender transition. Once I accomplished going to a certain venue, I would try another to see if I could learn anything new. The whole process was exciting and the whole time I was living my old unwanted male life I was dreaming of my next feminine step.

Possibly, the biggest step I always mention was when I needed to undertake the new world of communication as a woman with other women who showed the most interest in me of the two primary genders. For the most part, men didn't pay me much interest for whatever reason. Quickly I learned the power of non verbal signals as my life began to change as well as adjusting to a world of passive aggression.

Once I survived all of the steps I was taking to live my dream. At the same time doors all around me were opening and closing around me. By opening, my dreams could become a reality but by doing so I finally needed to take the final steps to stop all interaction with my male self. So closing became more than I bargained for and the stress became unbearable since I was risking so much. Life as I knew it as a man would be over and losing all the male privileges I worked so hard for was so scary. Mental health problems became a reality as I my ultimate dream drew closer. Of course I was worried my dream would become a nightmare.

Spoiler alert, my dream was not a nightmare and everything I hoped for became a reality as I was able to achieve my ultimate goal of living a feminine life. Call it muscle memory or anything you want but I was able to dream it to be it. I was fortunate.  

Endless Possibilities

 

Image from the 
Jessie Hart
Collection

When I was young, the only vocation I could think I wanted to follow was I wanted to be a woman. 

Somehow along the way, I hoped I would grow out of it. As the years went by, not only did the thoughts of being a woman not go away, they just became stronger.  Initially all of this made me even more frustrated with my life. Possibilities seemed far from endless. I was stuck living an unwanted male life. The only possibility I faced was making my male existence as successful as I could. So I followed traditional male activities and pursuits such as sports and having a successful profession. For years, it seemed I was going backwards towards my dream and/or goal of living as a transgender woman.

Before I did begin to look for my gender possibilities, I needed to learn more completely what the process meant to me. About that time was when the transgender term became known at all. Just having an idea of who I might be gave me a starting point on my gender development. The more I explored getting out of my closet and into the world, happily the possibility of opening more doors began to evolve. I started with the basics such as doing a portion of the grocery shopping all the way to going shopping for Christmas gifts. All as my feminine self. The more I explored, the more possibilities opened up to me. For once in my life, I was finding a way to feel more natural and complete. Deep down I knew I was right when I lived as my authentic feminine self.

All of sudden, I was starting to think I actually could follow the biggest dream of mine to someday live fulltime as a transgender woman. In other words, my sun, moon and gender stars were beginning to come together. Before I knew it, I was going to previously off-limits venues and thriving.  Issues such as one on one communications with strangers began to fade away when I learned living as a transgender woman meant so much more than just looking like one in the mirror. I can't stress enough (for me) learning the many and various layers cis-women live through. I called the process being allowed to play in the girl's sandbox. I was helped along when I was invited to "girls night out" parties as well as other gender specific activities When I pulled the feminine curtain back. I really progressed with the new knowledge I learned. 

If you have ever experienced being tantalizingly close to a lifetime goal and not achieving it, that is where I was. I could see what my life as a woman would be like but taking the final step would not be easy and was all so terrifying. My male self just didn't want to give up all the white male privileges  he had worked all those years to earn. At the time I viewed the process as similar to sliding down a slippery slope towards a steep cliff. When and if I fell off the cliff, I didn't know if I could ever return. Well, I never was able to return to my old male self and I have a series of friends to thank for making my landing as soft as possible.

Included in my circle of friends was my own inner feminine soul. I had no idea once I turned my life over to her, she knew exactly what to do. She had been waiting all those years for her endless possibilities to materialize.