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Image from Thomas Park on UnSplash. |
When your life is made up of a series of no, you can’t do that, you tend to find the nearest rock and crawl under it.
In my case, that no sent me into a deep dark gender closet I
hid in for years. I even sought refuge behind the dresses and makeup I was
wearing. Afterall, girls did not have to face the same challenges I was facing.
I was too naïve to think the girls had separate gender challenges of their own
to conquer. It wasn’t until much later
in life when I learned the truth from the women I was around about their life.
The word “no” ended up serving two purposes with me in my
life. I found out relatively early that the people telling me no had any real
control over me. An example was when I earned a spot-on American Forces Radio
and Television when I was going into the Army during the Vietnam War. Being
slotted into AFRTS was extremely rare and difficult to do and I did it with
help from my congressman (back when they did anything). I learned there were
ways around no if you were able to find them. I served my military duty but, in
a manner, I wanted to.
My gender life was another subject altogether. I was still struggling
and had a huge NO above my head for years. With a largely unsupportive family and
no means to support myself as a transfeminine woman, I did not know what to do except
to keep treading water and hope I did not sink. Plus, I had no money or
insurance to cover any expenses incurred with gender surgeries of any sort. I
was on my own and had to internalize my feelings.
Again, I found I could find my way around totally
internalizing my feelings by attending local transgender-crossdresser parties
where I could learn from others. In the meantime, I was doing my best to
survive in a male world where I was becoming successful in. In other words, the
rock I was under had more inhabitants than ever before but just as dark for me.
Then I found a way to put electric light under my rock or in my closet. It was
when I forced myself out into the world which was very unforgiving for years
until I gained my footing and on a very slippery gender surface. It seemed my
new high heels were more difficult to walk in than I ever imagined.
More than ever before, it was during this time, my gender
tables began to turn for me. I was climbing a major mountain and still did not
know how steep it was going to be. On the nights I was rejected by the public,
I needed to go home and resolve myself to never take no for an answer. Somehow,
someway I was doing something wrong and if I corrected it I could survive as a transgender
woman. That was when I improved my fashion and makeup, along with losing nearly
fifty pounds. All the improvements to my feminine presentation along with
having the chance to communicate one on one with cisgender women I met, helped
me to ignore the no button and keep moving up my gender path. I even was
internalizing less.
Through it all, I need to point out, most of my progress towards
being a transfeminine woman was not easy and hard earned. There were still too many,
one step forward and two steps back moments to mention. At times, it seemed I
was destined to learn everything a cisgender woman knew about life before I
would be allowed behind the gender curtain and be invited to girls’ night outs etc.
The only regret I ever had was never being invited to a bridal shower or bachelorette
party. But it never happened.
Since I often learned the hard way what no meant to me in my
life, I sometimes feel as if I am the worst person in the world to be writing
about it. Sometimes no does mean no when you find yourself in a dangerous
situation and you don’t have your old male personal safety privilege to fall
back on. You must take the good with the bad when you are a transgender woman.
Especially today with the current anti-transgender political climate. The
republicans are not letting up at all with their gender lies, at least here in
Ohio where I live and it is disgusting.
The more I see of their lies, the more I am resolved to
never say I give up and keep on fighting for the truth. A big NO to the gender
bigots.