Missing the peer pressure other girls my age had when they
grew up really hurt and I was jealous in so many ways. I missed sleep overs and
other times girls came together and discussed so many secret issues I was not allowed
to know. Which included when they compared makeup routines when I was left to
experiment all alone.
Survival as a novice cross dresser became my inner motto as
I struggled ahead in my male life which presented its other set of challenges.
Such as dealing with sports, cars and bullies. Having interests such as sports helped
to keep the bullies away, especially in my male dominated family. If I was
careful in staying in my closet, no one had any idea of who I really was as I
was filling in my workbook. Many times, I was in despair because it seemed I
was not gaining any ground towards my dream of living as a fulltime transgender
woman. First, I needed to discover if I had any possibility of success to succeed
at all. Which started the so-called bucket list of things I needed to do as I
pursued my workbook.
The biggest problem never changed. I never had much help
when dealing with the basics of femininized fashion, hair and makeup. It seemed
to me, every woman I met expected me to already know the basics and it was like
a “C
atch 22” of being a woman. If I did not know the basics on my own, no one
was stepping up to help me and If I did know, I did not need it. Sort of like
when you cannot land a much-needed job because of no experience and you cannot
find any experience because no one will give you a chance.
Perhaps, I am more fortunate than other cross dressers of
transgender women because quite early in my life, I persuaded a cisgender woman
to help me dress up head to toe as a woman. I thought if a woman with a
lifetime worth of experience could help me, I could fill out my workbook, with
help. Ironically, after the makeup was over, I was not impressed and felt all
the time that I was on the right path and could do the same feminine work on myself.
Of course, I need to point out I had already put years of time and effort into
refining my fashion and makeup techniques.
Just when I thought I had reached a success point in my
gender transition, my teen cross-dresser years set in. The problem was, I was
already a testosterone poisoned thirty something man seeking change. My
transition out of my teens was painful and not easy to do but I finally made it
out after many tears from public abuse. On the other hand, my gender workbook
gained another chapter I gladly filled out.
On another slightly different topic, I heard from “Michelle”
who is working on her own gender workbook and was commenting on my “Seismic
Gender” on the lesbian culture and transgender women: “I really love how you
described finding your place along that femme spectrum. It makes me think about
how much of this journey is trial and error—figuring out what to wear, where to
go, how to be in these spaces without losing yourself. And yeah, sometimes it
really does feel like the universe nudges the right people into our lives at
the exact moment we need them.
Honestly? Reading this gives me hope that I’ll
find my own version of that someday.”
Thanks for the comment! If it helps, at that point I had
given up on ever finding another special person for the rest of my life, and
the most amazing thing happened. I did find my wife Liz, or I should say she
found me. It happened primarily because I gathered the courage to repeatedly
put myself out in the public’s eye.
Just be careful when you do it and take your time to
properly fill out your workbook and you can be successful on such a major
undertaking as living as your authentic self.
