The Lifelong Question

Image from Shifazz
Shamoon on UnSplash. 

During my life, I have had several burning questions. One of which of course was how I ever made the determination I was transgender.

Before we get to the main question, we need to examine several of the other issues life threw at me and possibly you also. The first direct non gendered question I encountered was the Vietnam War. Or, how was I ever going to negotiate serving time in the military, as I risked my life. As it turned out, me serving my military time turned out to be a gender question too because the closer I came to being drafted into the Army, I began to resent the fact women did not have to face the draft also. All in all, a waste of time, so I gave it up. As it turned out my service in the military had far reaching positive consequences for me because among other things, I met the mother of my daughter there. 

Another question arose when I was not so blissfully cross dressing parts of my life away and I wondered if I was the only one with similar gender issues, I was stuck in the pre-internet dark age of having very little public information available to me. It wasn't until I served my time in the Army did I discover there were indeed many so called males who wanted to be femininized into women. The problem became was what was I ever going to do with my new family. Certainly, fathering a daughter had not made me more of a man, No matter how macho I acted. 

The older I became, it seemed the more complex my problems became. In fact, my thirtieth birthday was the most difficult for me to negotiate of all my birthdays. At the place I was in then, I was in deep despair over what decisions I would have to make to survive. What I determined was I needed to find better employment, stop drinking as much and resolve to be a better father. I was a success at finding better employment but a dismal failure at curtailing any of my party life, which included the Halloween parties I was going to dressed as a woman of course. All I really did was procrastinate further on the major question I had which were my gender issues. 

When I began to complicate coming out into the world as a transgender woman, I first had to determine in my own mind if I was indeed trans. Once I did, I needed to figure out who I would tell. Since most of my immediate family and closest friends had passed away, the list I had accumulated was very short. First to tell was my daughter, my only child and I suffered long and hard with if I should tell her at all. My reticence was rewarded with relief as she accepted me without question and still wanted me to be involved with my grandchildren's lives. I also questioned coming out to my only brother because I knew his in laws were religious right-wing bigots of the first degree. We both went our separate ways over a decade ago. 

The more life progressed, the tougher decisions seemed to be because there was more to lose. Another primary example was my job which I had worked very hard to be successful. I knew the company I worked for would never accept a transgender manager, so staying put was out. Fortunately by this time, I was old enough to be within reach of taking my social security retirement. So I just retired and started gender affirming hormones. 

The lifelong question of why me mostly answered itself. I played the odds throughout most of my life and was for the most part successful. For better or for worse, I was able to hide my true gender feelings until I could safely transition. Along the way, I also found I may have never had the chance to decide my gender anyway. My Mom had suffered through several still births before me in the late 1940's and had taken the DES medication. DES as I have read flooded the womb with estrogen and has been linked to the possibility of causing  transgender children. Who knows? 

Having all these major questions in life is just another facet of being human. Some questions are more difficult than others. 

Destiny as a Transgender Person

 

Image from Abbas Tehrani 

Throughout our lives transgender women as well as trans men suffer from everything from intense anxiety to full out gender dysphoria. 

Along the way we never consider none of being transgender was ever our fault. We were destined to be this way. Also, history tells us transgender people have been around since the beginning of time, so no whatever pressures society in some areas put upon us will not work. The transgender tribe will find a way to survive. How is the question for many of us locked in our dark and very lonely gender closets. If you are similar to me, I started by hiding my cross dressing from the world and then slowly expanding out into the world. Slowly but surely I was leaving my old boring male life behind as I was following my life's destinies. 

I can't say much of the process was ever easy because I was so entrenched in attempting to live a macho male life. Through it all, I kept trying to refine my femininity until I finally was able to blend in and exist in the world as a transgender woman. 

What I never factored in my life I was facing was I never had a choice to begin with. Every now and then, I write about the possibility of my Mom being on the "DES"" medication which was routinely prescribed to mothers who had the problem of poor pregnancies' which often resulted in mis-carriages and still births. My Mom suffered through three still births before I came along.  My research into "DES" says it was a synthetic form of estrogen which was later banned because it caused cancer in young girls and women. In addition, the medication was prescribed between 1940 and 1971 and I was born in 1949.  So, the question remains for transgender women is was the extra estrogen prescribed to our mothers while we were in her womb contribute to our gender issues later in life.   

As my life went by, I was fortunate in that I was able to barely satisfy my desires to explore the world as a transgender woman . Even when I reached the suicidal depths I suffered, a little voice kept telling me to keep trying and learning because everything was going to be alright. And it was. 

All of a sudden, the years of gender rejection turned around. Often for all the worst reasons. Within a couple years time nearly all of my small group of friends passed away including my second wife of twenty five years. By this time, I was mostly alone in the world as I was faced with rebuilding my life. The negative was I had to do it at all but the positive was I could do it as my long neglected feminine self. She seized the opportunity and never looked back.  In addition, she was helped along by the new acceptance of VA (Veterans Administration) of transgender veterans. All of a sudden I had access to relatively inexpensive care for my hormone replacement therapy. 

It seemed all the long closed gender doors were opening for me. Destiny was calling and all I needed to do was seize the opportunity. I couldn't believe it was all finally happening.  

"Endo" Day

 Every six months or so I need to "face the music" and visit my endocrinologist or "Endo" doc. Quite possibly it is the most important doctors appointment I have.? Because she  controls my hormone replacement therapy medications. 

From the Jessie
Hart Collection 

In my case, that means I have to make a trip to the vampires to have my blood checked at the Veterans Administration blood laboratory.  From that point forward it is up to her to judge my overall health and give me her blessing to continue on my meds. 

Needless to say, my hormone meds are near and dear to me because the meds have allowed me to become the transgender woman I am today. No pressure...right? I write quite a lot about the changes HRT have contributed to my growth as a transgender woman. Mainly when it came to the  feminization  of my exterior to match my inner self. 

Adding to the pressure of this visit is I needed to do a new test I had been putting off for nearly a year and/or two appointments. This time I had to provide a twenty four hour urine sample. So , not only do I not know what the test is for, I don't know how it will enter in to my HRT, The VA has an on line site where you can view test results I just don't know how to translate the results. I guess that much is her job. 

Many times I have the ability to conjure up irrational fears. Hopefully this is just another one of those. 

 

The Time of Discovery

This week by chance, I have encountered not one but two individuals close to my age strongly considering following  seriously their feminine gender urges. Perhaps you noticed  I didn't use the transgender word to describe either because they didn't.  Both were so new in their explorations, I think they were involved in the brave new world of gender exploration, they didn't know where they were on the journey. 

One discussion was involved with how my initial results went when I first started hormone replacement therapy. It seemed, the person had started some sort of hormones without a doctors guidance by obtaining non prescription meds. Of course I  passed along my usual warning concerning starting the HRT without medical guidance could be hazardous to one's overall health. Secondly, she wanted to know how fast the effects of the hormones showed to the point of not being able to hide my gender changes any longer.

In my case, although everyone's case is different, minimum dosages of estradiol and a testosterone blocker within six months produced effects which were hard to hide. My skin and face softened, my hair grew long enough for a pony tail and of course my budding breast growth was getting harder and harder to hide. There was a definite difference for me of having "man boobs" and the feminine set of breasts I was magically growing. To make a long story short, I was forced out of my male closet and into my authentic self faster than I ever imagined. At this time, after my wife passed away, I was living by myself and my two dogs didn't care what I looked like. So, I didn't have an  un-supporting  spouse to worry about. 

The second person, is local and seemed to be very impressed she had found a supporting group of individuals who are transgender, questioning or cross dressing folk. Ironically, she was drafted into the Army nearly the same time I was in 1971.  At the time, the problem of going into the Army seemed as if it would be the worst possible move as I tried to deal with my mis-understood gender dysphoria. Years later though, I still reap the benefits of my service by taking advantage of Veteran's Administration health.

Overall, I was able to provide a positive look into what a transgender life can look like if certain factors come into line.  At least, that is my goal.

I'm very comfortable pointing out to people too, the whole gender transition process I went through was no walk in the park and I went through my share of doubts and dark days. 

The whole process of discovering my true self proved to be very  satisfying for me. The alternative of cross dressing and acting like a man would have led me to an early grave.