Hate Enters the Picture

Author and Wife at last summers' group
picnic which was not held this year. 

 For years and years, I have been part of a diverse LGBTQ local support group who recently has focused more on transgender needs.

This year, as board elections neared, three former board members abruptly resigned their seats and said they were not running again. A huge problem for a six member board. Plus recently, more and more members of the general membership have declined to participate in group activities at all. All of the decreased participation particularly hurt when it came to activities such as Pride. In the Cincinnati area alone, there are four major Pride events the group did it's best to represent during the fun. 

In addition, pressure was put on a few to represent a group whose membership numbers into the two hundred fifty plus. Predictably, fatigue set in and board members began to become frustrated. Then, on top of all of this, the most prominent board members began to receive  actual threats. It was all too much for the members to take and they quit. It turned out, someone slipped in behind all the protections in the group's social media group and started spreading hate. All before the moderators could get the person stopped. 

Sadly, with my mobility problems, all I could do was sit back and watch all of this sadness happen. Pride this year was a prime example when the group needed help the most. I knew it, but was unable to help because of the difficulty I had getting there. Unlike so many of the other members, I was not particularly afraid of potential violence, I just could not do it. 

Any way you cut it though, the threats of harm against the transgender community does cause harm to those seeking to leave their closets and explore the world as their authentic selves. In the meantime, in the political arena I live in, the majority of the false negative comments about Ohio's Democratic senator involve his support of the transgender community. The ad's are false and disgusting. 

None of the political climate helps the group I am a long time member of. It has been around since 1968 and has been a pillar in the cross dresser - transgender local community. I feel bad I can not be an active supporter. 

I just hope the group can survive. 

The Sixty Four Crayon Box

Image from Leisy Vidal on UnSplash

I view gender in light of all the recent attacks  on the transgender community from a certain political party here in Ohio not called the Democrats, as a big box of crayons. The whole shameful process just shows how little the Republicans care to know about the trans community,

Rather, if they like it or not, almost all humans fall on some sort of a gender spectrum. It seems, men have fewer crayons to pick from because of their innate insecurities concerning their own gender and or sexuality. Which is a whole separate subject.

I know when I began to color in my own life, I needed the big box of crayons because I did not fit the male mold I was in. Whatever the world thought of me, I needed more out of my life than a restricted male existence. Instead of viewing myself as the round peg being forced into the square hole, I started to see myself as a multi-colored individual with many new gender frontiers to explore. My journey was destined to take me far past the rather quick romance with all the pretty fashion, all the way into a in-depth dive into what a life as a transgender woman would be all about. As I was busy coloring my future, I found I needed different colors to enable me to express myself more completely.

Examples were plentiful. Such as when I looked the part of a woman, how was I ever going to communicate as one. I was so busy coloring, I needed a whole new box of crayons to keep up with my life I was attempting to balance between two genders. To further stereotype the whole process, I quit using all the drab and darker colors and began to use the lighter more vibrant ones as I lived more and more in a femininized world.

The more I went to diverse transgender mixers in nearby Columbus, Ohio, the more I learned about others who were coloring in their gender lives too. I was able observe everyone from those who had almost completed their new lives, all the way to those who were working with broken crayons and severely struggling. All of it was an extreme eye opener for me because I was so naïve when it came to the transgender or LGBTQ world as a whole. Normally what happened was, I took everything in and ended up going back home and thinking about it. A solitary pursuit since I did not have anyone to talk to about it except for the occasional therapist. 

Therapy produced mixed results when several I went to did not want to discuss or see my colored design of who I truly was. It wasn't until I sought out one of the rare gender therapists back then who told me the truth. Basically, she said my picture was beautiful and there was nothing I could do about wanting to proceed on my path to transgender womanhood. I wish I would have listened and started to change my life back then but I was stubborn and hung on to my part-time male existence which at the least, paid the bills. 

As transgender women and men, we really need the extra courage to keep coloring our pictures. For example, in my case, if my health holds up, I will be on gender affirming hormones the rest of my life. Hopefully, I will need another sixty four box of crayons as my life expands as a transgender woman.

 

The Fear Factor

 

Will Farrell and Harper Steele

I suppose my life is not much different than many others, transgender or not. Along the way, we need to deal with certain fears to succeed.

Early on in life as a novice or beginning cross dresser, I needed to deal with the basic fear of being discovered which had the chance to destroy my life as I knew it. Then, as I grew enamored with the view of myself in the mirror as a girl, I always feared for the next time I could do it. 

Now, as the calendar switches over to October, many memories of Halloween fear invade my thoughts. I don't mean spooky movies or haunted houses, I mean finally having the chance of exploring the world as my girl self at parties. When I did find and hitch up my big girl panties and dressed to the nines as a woman in front of friends, I was very afraid I would lose my man card along with the male privileges I enjoyed. 

Along the way, I enjoyed a few exciting Halloween parties when it took several days for the people around me to quit joking with me about my "costume'." All in all, I think shaving my legs for the parties separated me out as being more than a fun casual cross dresser who was doing my outfit as some sort of a joke.  At least I received compliments about how good my legs did look, which made the comments so worthwhile. My overall remembrances of how Halloween kicked started my entry into the world will be examined in depth here as we come closer to the Halloween date itself.

The more I followed my instincts into the world as a transgender woman, the more fear I felt on many occasions. I had so much on the line such as losing my family, friends and employment to name a few. It would be easier to say, I was risking everything and I was scared. The way I dealt with it was, I tried to take the transition process one step at a time, keeping one foot in one gender world and one in another so if I ever could go back to one or the other I could. 

The more I tried my grand gender plan, the more flawed I found it to be. The problem was all the benefits of the plan began to lean towards the feminine side of my life. I was excited yet felt so natural when I was out in the world as a transgender woman, no matter how scared I still felt on occasion. Normally what was happening was, I found a kind giving person who was able to calm my fears. I was so fortunate as I always say.

These days my fears come from all the blatant political lies I see from the political party of hate against transgender women (mainly). Here in Ohio we have a Democratic senator who is running for reelection. The lies against him are ridiculous and instead of examining the true issues, all the ad says is Sherrod Brown is for false transgender issues. The only light I see is the feedback from the Will Ferrell documentary "Will and Harper." It is on Netflix. 

Another small positive I see is when other transgender women and men are able to be in the public's eye, we immediately battle all of the false rhetoric about us. We are just normal people trying to live our lives like everyone else. The fear factor can decrease in intensity the more you are able to live your life. In many ways, I am still the same young girl admiring myself in the families hallway mirror but in so many other ways, as I was propelled forward by my fears, I have learned so much good about life. 

Helene

 

Al Roker - NBC News.

We were lucky here in Southwestern Ohio and we only caught the tail end of giant hurricane Helene. Our dose of the weather was enough to see how bad it was. 

Even so, our lights flickered several times and our internet was out for nearly three days, which explains me missing a post for Sunday. Since I wrote and scheduled a post already for Saturday. 

Just seeing the results we went through with Helene causes me to send my thoughts and hopes for all of you who were more in the direct path of the hurricane. 

As the death toll rises, I hope you all are safe.

On a another side note, singer/songwriter Kris Kristofferson has passed away. I was a big fan of his music which I listened to repeatedly during my alcoholic depression days  when my gender issues were chasing me. I specifically remember "Sunday Morning Coming Down " as one of my favorites since I had spent so many Sunday mornings attempting to recover from drinking too much the night before. The whole process just served to depress me more until I finally came to grips with actually being transgender. 

Even though Kristofferson lived to be eighty eight, his passing still makes me feel my age of seventy four and I will forever remember his gravely voice and dynamiter lyrics which meant so much to me.

Here is a verse from the song:

On the Sunday morning sidewalks

Wishing, Lord, that I was stoned
Cause there's something in a Sunday
That makes a body feel alone
And there's nothin' short of dyin'
Half as lonesome as the sound
On the sleepin' city sidewalks
Sunday mornin' comin' down

You may also remember Johnny Cash's powerful rendition of the song.  

The Ultimate Challenge

Vacation image from Kansas
by JJ Hart

I am biased but I think changing how you live to reflect your authentic gender self is one of the toughest things a human can do. 

Perhaps you noticed I said reflect your gender tastes not change them. I believe our transgender selves are already determined and we are attempting to sync them up to our extremal selves the world can see. The path varies for most of us but the final goal is always the same. Sadly we have many obstacles in our way. 

One of the main ones is trying to overcome the effects of testosterone poisoning which gives us the hated male characteristics we did not ask for. I remember hating all the changes which were happening to my body and how the changes would effect me when I attempted to cross dress in front of the mirror. All I knew was my life was changing for the worst and I did not want it. Much later on when I became much more serious about my femininized presentation in public, my goal was to hide my broad shoulders and the angles of my body with new fashion. 

It turned out, testosterone poisoning and new fashion were the least of my problems as I continued along my path to the ultimate challenge of living as a full time transgender woman. There were so many times I never thought I was going to make it. I had so much baggage to sort through as a man as I had acquired over the years. Since I had spent so long doing my best to build my life, then I needed to decide what to do about my family, job and friends. Leaving me between the gender rock and a hard place. Often I did not know how I was going to find my way out of my predicament. Was I still a man, or a woman and what about my long standing sexuality.

Obviously, the ultimate challenge was to sort through all my issues while I was still attempting to live my so called normal life as a man. I ended up trying to live a little at a time as a trans woman until it began to feel so natural I never wanted to go back. Slowly but surely I was proving to myself I had been born feminine and just forced into the wrong gender by some sort of a cruel twist of fate.

It was around that time, I found I was not alone and began to discover other challenges on my path to transgender success. I learned from others around me about their own successes and failures or triumphs and purges. Often my own feminine wardrobe would be gifted by an acquaintance's giant purge. In fact, my first set of expensive silicon breast forms were gifted to me. The breast forms were a real step forward from what I had ever had before and would help me to present better so I would not be discovered as a man.

As Paula wrote in and commented: "I don't know if we ever get over that fear of being found out, of being exposed and ridiculed. I think this is much more about how we see ourselves than how others see us, I look in the mirror and see all my history, the Dan Dare chin and the prop forward shoulders, others just see a late middle aged woman who happens to be on the tall side."

Thanks for the comment and as I am fond of saying, these days I present as old. Since the genders have a tendency to merge together later in life. I am also happy to have made it to the place I have in my life but as I near my seventy fifth birthday, I know the ultimate challenge is yet to come.  

What Now? More Steps???

Image from Henri Pham
on UnSplash

As I view my progression into a transgender lifestyle, I see it as a series of steps. In other words once I arrived at one step I needed to look around and see what was coming next. 

It all started innocently enough after I discovered I could wear certain items of my Mom's wardrobe and admire myself in the mirror. After that step, I found I wanted to shave my legs, put on hose and a mini skirt I found at school and head outside to check the mail at our house. I knew I was hooked and needed to figure out what was next in my life. 

The next step was very difficult to come by as I mentioned in yesterdays post., I needed to acquire the makeup and then learn how to use it. My next step upwards did not actually come until my college days when I was able to buy a wig I loved for a girlfriend I had, then keep it when we broke up. Finally, I could complete the total makeup and hair step and I loved it. It was around that time when I became brave enough to attempt to express my feminine side at Halloween parties. Immediately I began to learn new lessons from the experience such as how I was separated from all the male friends I had when I was cross dressed as a woman. I was excluded from the club.

From that point onwards I needed to decide if I wanted to be excluded from a club I worked so hard to be a part of. It was a huge step in my life when I decided I should and would give up my male past and go forward as a transgender woman. Little did I know, when I made the decision, so many steps were to come. Such as when I began to enter the world as a woman, I needed to concentrate on so much more than just look like one. I compared the process with taking a mirror image and then putting it into motion. I needed to concentrate on femininizing my movements and then undertaking the biggest challenge of all, communicating one on one with the world. Which meant mostly women since most men had the tendency to leave me alone because their sexuality was threatened. 

My steps then came quicker and quicker the more I tested the world. Confidence came when I successfully negotiated one step after another and was ready to move on. At times the process was not easy when I thought I was moving too fast. I paused and began to consider how much I had to lose if I continued on the path I was on. I was on a collision course with the reality of my true gender. My next step just had to be gender affirming hormones or HRT. Fortunately I sought out medical and therapeutic help and was approved for the hormones. A huge step as my what now was answered. My body took to the hormones easily and I was able to flourish. 

Finally I ran out of steps and excuses and decided to give my male clothes to charity. What now became the future and it was time to live a life as a transgender woman. 

What Would Mom Say

Image from Jenna Norman
on UnSplash

This week my question to answer on the year long bio I am writing for my daughter and family as well as my wife Liz involved what parent I learned the most from.  

As I compared my Mom and Dad, easily I learned the most from Mom. Outside of the usual circumstances, I found I could find many more opportunities to spotlight Mom's influence on me. For example, I remember at a very early age watching Mom put on her makeup. Being a product of the "greatest generation" she was not shy about dressing up. However, I don't think watching makeup being applied led me to being a transvestite or even a transgender woman really mattered. Somehow the gender issues I faced went much deeper. Perhaps as deep as the medication Mom took during her pregnancy (DES) which was offered to women at the time to prevent problem births.

It turned out, I was successfully delivered just before my parents had decided to give up after three still births and adopt a child. I think because of all of that, my Mom put an extra emphasis on raising me and my brother who came along two years later. So much so, I wonder now what would have happened if Mom would have realized she had a daughter rather than a son. In all fairness to her, the fifties during my youth had very little information on gender issues. When it was available, gender issues were known as mental illness. 

Throughout the years, I always mistakenly thought girls had all the benefits in life I always wanted. Girls were able to wear the pretty clothes I wanted, be gifted the dolls I wanted and even never had to worry about being drafted and serving in the military. Male privileges were not known to me in those days because I had not yet earned any. As a side note, once I did earn the benefits of being male, I learned some of them were automatic and I did not want them anyhow.

I have forever wondered what my life would have been with Mom had I been born a biological female. Being as similar personality wise as we were, we fought quite a bit as mother/pseudo son and I have to think it would have been worse as a daughter. Mom was very headstrong and I am sure we would have had battles over fashion styles in the 1960's as well as when I could begin using makeup. In fact, when I was sneaking around using her makeup, I was probably younger than I would have been had I been her actual daughter.  I am sure too, Mom would have tried to influence me into going to her college and joining her sorority. She would have done her best to push me down a certain path which was certainly going against my generation's rules at that time in history during the upheaval in the later 1960's.

By this time, you may be asking where was Dad during all of this. It was not like he was not an influence in my life but he was not as hands on as Mom was. He was long on providing and short on emotions which I struggled with for most of my life. One thing I remember most about him was how desperate I was to never disappoint him and since I rarely if ever heard a positive from him, I never knew what he really thought of my life. He was blessed with excellent health and outlived my Mom by ten years and I never came out to him before his death from Dementia.

I did try to come out to Mom but it was a dismal failure for both of us. Predictably, when I told her I wanted to be a woman, she offered up mental health counseling. The conversation took place just after I was finished with my military duty and was never mentioned again until her death fifty years later. I used to hold her thoughts against her and was quite bitter but I gradually mellowed with age and came to realize she was just a product of her generation. 

To honor all her sacrifices, I used her first name as my middle name when I legally changed my gender markers nearly ten years ago. Had I had the opportunity to be accepted as her daughter from the beginning, it would have been interesting how our lives would have intersected. Way past the pushback I would have received for wearing my skirts too short and wearing too much makeup when I was a teenager. I know what Mom would have said. You aren't leaving the house looking like that. Maybe I should have thought of that when I tried and failed to dress that way later in life.  

 

Feeling the Pain

 

Image from Eugenia 
Maximova 
on UnSplash.

Learning on the fly all I needed to know concerning my authentic life as a transgender woman often resulted in pain.

The pain, early on mainly materialized when I rushed the process of going out in public as a novice transgender woman or cross dresser. Many times I was reduced to tears following being stared at or even laughed at when I was simply out walking around. I felt the pain for years until I finally realized I was the problem and sought out the reasons why. The main reason was (as I always mention) my male ego was dictating my femininized fashion sense. He was thinking attempting to dress sexy would somehow validate myself as a woman. Of course, it didn't and just made me look ridiculous. On the other hand, when I dressed to blend in with other women, they validated me as a woman.

My frustration and pain increased until I became fed up with the entire process and changed it. My thrift shopping adventures began to change to reflect my new fashion sense. I was held back in many ways by my budget and knowledge of what fashion I was trying to buy. Sizing was an example, as I struggled to find what looked best on my testosterone poisoned body. I did not have the benefit of having any feminine characteristics to begin my journey so trial and lots of error is what I went through. Every time I learned a fashion choice I made  just would not work, I felt the pain return again.

My situation improved when my overall confidence improved to a point where I was able to use the women's changing rooms. When I could afford to go to a mall clothing store, I always checked with a clerk first to see if I was to be accepted so as not to feel the sting and embarrassment later. In the thrift stores I went to, the changing  rooms were not monitored anyhow, so I never had to ask. As I said, when I had the opportunity to try on clothes ahead of time, my improvement rate went way up and my fashion pain way down.

After conquering most of my fashion pain, next up came my paranoia over communicating as a transgender woman in the world. Of course I quickly discovered I had no idea of how women communicate between themselves. I found myself on several different levels when I dealt with the world. Once I figured out I was not "fooling" anyone else and just resorted to being myself, my life improved. One level of woman just did not care and basically ignored me while another level was curious and wondered what I was doing in their world. Overall, I was learning on the fly and had my share of pain such as the one transphobic woman I encountered at a party Liz and I attended many years ago. She was actively harassing me about what my dead name was. She was so evil, the experience still causes me pain to this day.

Overall though, when I compare my transgender journey to others I read about, I suppose I have had it lucky. Even though I had suffered a lifetime's worth of pain when I lost my wife, several close friends and my business in a span of five years, I was able to find new friends and rebound. Mainly because the friends and Liz accepted me as my authentic feminine self. I guess karma was paying me back for a lifetime of wondering what I was doing about my transgender self. All the years of doubting my gender existence came back to be a strength when I quit being a victim in my own life. 

Sure I was transgender but suddenly it became a strength not a weakness and the pain was behind me. 

     

A Spectator in my Own Life

 

Image from Author JJ Hart

There were many times in my life when I felt as if I was a spectator in my own life.

From the first glimpse in a mirror when I cross dressed as a girl, all the way to when I first went out determined to be a woman rather than just look like one, often I was on the outside looking in. Being on the outside was certainly not a great place to be. I literally spent decades of my life worrying about where I actually stood with my gender issues.

Along the way, I grew tired of being the spectator and wanted more inside information on how the feminine system I so admired worked. I discovered the hard way, I was not going to be allowed to learn more until I made the drastic step of increasing my transitioning efforts. Naturally, it was very difficult to do when I was totally immersed in leading a male life which I had become quite successful at doing. Overall, I was becoming the victim when it came to my life as a whole. I kept wondering why me when it came to my desire to live as a transgender woman. I finally had to shake it off and move forward with my gender transition before I lost everything I knew in life. 

It turns out the real culprit was myself.  I was afraid to face my truth and it cost me. I even tried to out run my desire to live as a woman by moving and switching jobs. Once I talked my wife into moving from our native Ohio to the New York City metro area. Then back again a couple years later. Living in different parts of the country was certainly an eye opening experience but did very little to help my gender issues. On the rare occasions it did like the night on Long Island when I went to a transvestite mixer and the hosts thought I was a cis-woman was flattering but did me no good the next morning when I crashed back into my male life. Then my poor wife had to put up with my mood swings.

Still I was a spectator in my own life when I walked down the long hallway in heels to get carded for my true gender to the times I did the family grocery shopping in sweaters, mini skirts and flats, I wondered who was that? It took me years to come to the conclusion the other feminine person was me and she had a right to be here in my life. Slowly but surely, I was building the life experiences needed to cross the gender border but it kept taking me so much time. I kept running into so many road blocks, I thought I was some sort of a gender construction engineer. 

Regardless as time flew by, it was time to put my gender cards on the table to finally determine which gender was going to be the primary provider in my life. What I attempted to do was live as much as I could as a novice transgender woman to see if the lifestyle was for me. Even though initially I did not attempt to do it, the trans life rapidly snuck up on me. Before I knew it and maybe before I was ready, I began to carve out a brand new life as a woman. Quickly I needed to develop feminine communication skills which was difficult for me to do since I was overwhelmingly dealing with other women in my life.

Through it all, slowly I grabbed total control of my life and became a spectator any time I was forced back into my old unwanted male life. In other words, I finally faced my own truth and flipped the ultimate gender script in my life.    

Luck or Destiny?

 

Image from Jan Tinneberg 
on UnSplash 
 

Is transitioning successfully across the gender frontier a matter of luck or destiny? 

I would argue a blend of both when it came to me. When I first started to explore the world as a novice transgender woman, I knew very little of what I was doing. Primarily in how I was attempting to present myself in the world as a woman. I was wearing what no other women would think of wearing as my male ego was sending me false messages. During this learning time in my life, I was lucky I only was laughed at or stared at. Sometimes I am surprised someone did not sneak up on me and attempt to pull my wig off.

No one did and I moved on finally learning how to better blend into the feminine world I was seeking to be a part of. Maybe, destiny was on my side for a change and even in my darkest hours of being a rejected transgender woman, I always thought there would be a future. So I pursued the sliver of hope I felt when I cross dressed and went out into the world. Just the smallest amount of gender euphoria kept me going towards my gender dreams. 

It took awhile of finally being lucky and being at the right place at the right time, when I started to actually began to build confidence in what I was attempting to do with my gender. Maybe I could put all those self doubts behind me and carve out a new life as a transgender woman. In some sort of a deep dark way in my mind, destiny was still pushing me forward. Especially in the times when I was out doing Christmas shopping for my wife as a woman and taking the time to enjoy all the holiday decorations in a way I had never had before. In fact, as my male self, I always wondered if I would feel any different with the decorations if I could ever view them as a transgender woman. My answer was a resounding yes, I could.

Luck and destiny did not end with holiday celebrations as I was just learning how to adjust to my new feminine life. Destiny showed me what it would be like when I began to lose my white, male privileges. The first time I obviously felt I was losing my intelligence stands out when I was mansplained over the simplest of topics as well I was shocked when I lost the personal security men enjoy. It was probably more luck than destiny which led me through unscathed and wiser. 

It wasn't until much later in life did I realize I was always destined to lead a feminine life. All my lucky escapes and experiences had combined to guide me ahead to my goal which sometimes I fought completely from happening. I did not know how much destiny was guiding my life. So much so, it was like a huge cloud lifted after tragedy of my second wife's passing. Suddenly I was free to pursue any gender life I wanted. At the same time, the US Veterans Administration health care system I was part of began to administer gender affirming hormones to veterans such as me.   And finally I was close enough to retirement age, I would not have to worry about working as a trans woman to support myself when I transitioned. 

There was no luck involved. Suddenly destiny had opened its door wide and showed me the path forward to a new feminine life I gad only dreamed of. All I needed to do was take the opportunity and run with it. 

Staring Down the Transgender Cliff

Image from Jimmy Conover
on UnSplash

 As I transitioned from my very active male self into an accomplished transgender woman, there were many times I found myself staring down a cliff on my gender path.

The more I walked on and was successful, the more scared I became. The cliff I was looking at, increasingly appeared to be steeper and riskier than I ever imagined when I first put on a dress and makeup so many years before. After all, I was risking so much such as a spouse, family and a job to name just a few. To add more pressure, I was becoming increasingly more and more successful in my choice of occupations. I had worked years to arrive at where I was and now I was risking it all to try to be a successful out transgender woman. By successful, I mean I was able to increasingly move about in society as I carved out a new life.

Mixed in with all the life changing experiences I was going through were many failures as I would sneak up to the cliff and look over. The entire process was scaring me more and more and threatened pushing me back into the gender closet I had worked so hard to leave for all of those years. 

Finally, I could take it no longer and began to gather the courage to take a leap of faith as I approached jumping off my personal cliff into a risky world I thought I knew something about. Before I did, I tried to come up with a survival plan when I jumped into the sometime snake pit which was the feminine world. I needed to learn the basics of the indirect passive aggression. Slowly but surely I learned to fasten my seatbelt and learned to ready myself to jump. I had conquered so much on my journey and it was time to quit staring down the gender cliff. 

Ironically, the women friends I had made like Liz and Kim helped me to a soft landing. They taught me what it would take to for me to become a transgender woman on my own terms. More importantly, all the fears I felt concerning my fear of gender heights proved they were like new gender guardian angels to me. Certainly, I found there were transphobes who would never like me but on the other hand, I found most people just didn't care. I was left alone to make a soft landing around my friends and enjoy my new life. 

I have always tried to be a proponent of the idea that something you are proposing to do will not be as bad as you think it will be or as good as you think it will. The same happened to me with I took the chance and gave up my male life and undertook the biggest adventure of my life. 

The soft landing off of the cliff coincided with my softer life as a transgender woman. When I did land, I wondered what took me so long. My excuse was I was afraid of heights, when in reality, I was just afraid of losing what was left of the white male privilege's I enjoyed. But it turned out, I could not have my gender cake and eat it too. It became too much pressure to attempt to live part time as a trans woman and a man. 

I closed my eyes, hoped for the best and jumped. It did not matter how intimidating the cliff seemed to be, the steep gender cliff proved to be the least of my problems. 

Transgender Inspiration

The late Lynn Conway.

 In my formative years growing from a beginning cross dresser into a novice transgender woman, there were very few inspirations for me to follow. One of the few I knew about was the very accomplished and talented Lynn Conway, a computer scientist and electrical engineer.  

Deep down I knew I was not on the same level as Conway and the very few I did know about followed the same path as most transsexuals face when they transition into a feminine life. We were expected to leave our past behind, have all the needed operations and relocate ourselves to start over. Since I was my usual stubborn self, I could not see me going down all of the same roads as well known transsexuals. In fact, I knew a couple trans women nearby who were ready to go down the surgical road and change their lives forever. 

As in most cases each of their lives were totally different than mine. So they were more of an interest to me than an inspiration. By getting to know them closer, I had hoped to gain more knowledge of what I would face if I decided to go further with my own gender transition. I did learn, as I went on, everything was different when I was living as a transgender woman. I had my own preconceived ideas of how it would be to live as a woman from all the years I had spent closely observing the women around me. However I found most of my conceptions were wrong as I slipped behind the gender curtain. The prime example was how I was presenting myself as a woman. I wasn't dressing to blend in and was drawing unneeded attention to myself. My efforts came from my old male ego dictating my fashion and wardrobe. I had no inspiration to guide me the correct way.

I think I tried to use my second wife as inspiration but I was just not in the proper mental space to accept her criticism. In other words, my feminine self had not had the chance to grow up past my adolescent years as a trans woman. During those years, happiness was looking very lonely as my wife and I constantly fought over my appearance among other things. I think she knew she was fighting a losing battle as my internal feminine self fought with her all the time. Every now and then, I did talk her in to going out to eat as two girls and I really tried to dress down for the date. As a matter of fact, if I dressed down any more, I might as well just have gone as my male self. 

I was getting nowhere fast in my quest to learn more about being a quality transgender woman, so I was forced out on my own. Which added in it's own set of problems. Primarily, here I was sneaking around behind my wife's back to see if I could live as a woman. In doing so, I found I could create another life. Furthering the divide between my wife and I.

The divide widened until her death and inspiration or not, I continued on with my search for my feminine self. What I discovered was, she was with me all along. Just waiting for a chance to live. When she did, she became my own inspiration and I never looked back. In many ways I found she adopted many of the mannerisms and personality of my Mom, who was very outspoken and not shy. I admired her so much, I took her first name as my middle name when I legally changed my gender markers. 

These days, with all the internet and social media access transgender inspiration is much easier to come by and we need the inspiration with all the negative coming our way from politicians. We have to do all we can to keep the positives coming.

I Am I Said

 

Archive Image, JJ Hart

One of my favorite Neil Diamond's songs is "I Am I Said". I particularly was drawn to the line saying I was lost between two shores. Neil was referring to New York and Los Angeles and I adapted it for me to signify being lost somewhere between being male and female.

The song's lyrics go on to say "I am, I said to no one there " I again felt the same way because I had no one to discuss my gender issues with other than the occasional therapist who went quickly through my life with little or no benefits until I reached a point much later in my life. In addition, the pressure to conform to the successful male life I was leading was intense. One of the few positives of my job was I was named a managerial training manager so I was able to take medium ranged business trips from my home in Ohio (yes I am from the much maligned Springfield) and travel by car to Lexington, Kentucky. Usually, I was asked once every six months to make the trip which I quickly saw as an opportunity to pack a few of my feminine items and cross dress. 

I usually worked it out with my second wife I was taking a second night at the company headquarters so I would not have to drive back at night. When I did, I was able to either cross dress and head out to one of the Lexington gay bars. It turned out, there were several back in those days, since the University of Kentucky is there. When I went out, at the least I didn't have to tell the chair or mirror I was actually someone feminine. On one occasion, I hit the jackpot and my training seminar just happened to coincide with Halloween. I thought ahead and when I packed away from my wife's prying eyes, I added a few slutty outfits to put together a Halloween "costume." The difference this Halloween was I was going to try my luck at going to a big straight club and not a gay venue. After a few wrong turns, I found the place and gathered my courage to go inside. Here I was dressed in an all black mini-dress with black heels, hose and blond wig doing my best to ignore all the guys pinching my behind as I walked across the dance floor, Since I needed to be up and fresh early the following morning, I needed to be back early to go to bed.

All along, I was learning what I was and was finding out the hard way what could happen if I dressed the wrong way. One night, I decided to stop at the halfway point on the way home which was Cincinnati. I got a hotel room and proceeded to seek out one of the more infamous gay bars in town for hookups, I thought since my black outfit worked so well before, I would try it again. This time, a very drunk guy at the bar tried to pick me up...until his wife showed up. I was embarrassed and was trying my best to back pedal from the whole situation when he made things worse by telling her why did she not have legs like mine. By this time, I headed for the restroom to hide and when I came out they were gone. As was the black outfit.

Through it all, all the lying I was doing to my wife was wrecking my moral code and when I asked who I was, I did not know. Which made the Diamond song so important to me. 

Finally, I did climb out of the pit I was in and was able to learn who I was but sadly was never able to reconcile my transgender life with my wife before she passed away. All along she was urging me to find myself and by the time I did, it was too late. I was no longer stuck between two gender shores. I had found myself and she was feminine. 

It Was Never Easy

I am amused when anyone thinks my gender journey has ever been an easy one. 

To begin with, I was born into a very male dominated family. Being the oldest son of two, I had heavy male expectations forced on me. Very early on, I learned I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I did not belong in the male world at all. The problem was coming to the knowledge I did not belong as I was sneaking around my family's back to cross dress as a girl. As I remember, I had two hiding places for my small collection of feminine wardrobe and makeup. 

The first place was up in the attic of our family garage and the second was more creative when I discovered a hallowed out tree trunk in a woods next door to my house. What I did was use plastic trash bags to protect my precious belongings from the elements and it provided an extra way I could be alone and dress which relieved (for a day or two) my gender tension. So none of my drastic measures were easy but I survived without anyone detecting my secret, to my knowledge. 

As years went by and my life as a girl began to be more complex, I was pressured to do more and more to protect my life. Sneaking around became more intense as my wardrobe increased, along with my knowledge of the makeup arts. In all fairness to me, I attempted to ease my gender pain, I told my first and second wives ahead of our marriage I was a transvestite or cross dresser which I thought would help my world. My idea worked for awhile, until I essentially out grew the idea I simply wanted to wear women's clothes and makeup. More and more I wanted to be a woman.

Making the jump from cross dresser to transgender woman often was brutal. Partially because I still had my male life to contend with. It probably would have been easier on me if I was not involved in such a male intensive job which automatically would completely throw me totally and publicly back into a world I never wanted. Ironically, my life as a man I worked so hard to build was now in direct competition with a feminized life I was growing into. 

At the same time, my biggest challenge became was deciding if I was transgender at all, Could I continue a life where I lived in both binary genders temporarily or would I need to choose between being a man or a woman. I ran from the decision for years before I grew so tired of running I could go no farther. Making a decision was never an easy one but one I needed to make. Finally, one night I had yet another soul searching discussion with myself and decided to live a life as a transgender woman. The world as I knew it was showing me the way. For the first time in my life I was single and did not have to worry about a spouse to deal with when I changed.

I went even further and decided to go to a doctor to see if I was healthy enough to begin gender affirming hormones. I was and my body took to them very rapidly, making my decision to give away what was left of my male wardrobe to charity and add to my feminine wardrobe. It was not easy to make the decision but it was easy to live with the results. I only knew my new feminine life would never be easy but still would so much better than the life I had lived,

It was never an easy life and my gender dysphoria certainly did not make it any easier. Waking up in the morning after dreaming if I was a boy or a girl never got my day started on a good foot. All of it became some sort of a daily routine I never wanted. With all the highs and lows, somehow I learned to live with it all. 

Affirmation

 

Recently I had a very important reminder of my initial affirmation as a legal female in the world.

It came several years ago when I decided to have as many legal documents as I could changed to reflect my authentic feminine self. One of the major documents I needed changed was my Ohio driver's license. I made sure I acquired all the name change documents plus a letter from my therapist to insure I did not have any problems. The process was scary but exciting because among other things, I needed the picture ID of the license so I could vote. 

It just so happened my license was due to expire just ahead of the all-important election coming up in November so it was important for me not to procrastinate until the last minute so I can cast my vote against tRumpt. 

In many ways, being able to renew my license symbolically was similar to renewing my gender vows with myself. As far as completing the process, it was easy this time because I was already in the system as female and no one questioned me. Probably the most difficult part was having my picture taken because of all the insecurities I feel when it comes to my appearance. For the morning I chose one of my most feminine tops, applied a foundation, eye makeup, lipstick, blush and tied back my hair and was ready to go. I arrived early and only had to wait approximately fifteen minutes before being waited on. 

Even though I knew the process would be nearly painless, for some reason I was still suffering from needless paranoia. I was able to put it all behind me and reaffirm  myself as a legal transgender feminine person. 

Next stop is my upcoming mammogram appointment which is in the process of being scheduled now. I consider mammograms as a slightly unpleasant rite of passage I need to go through since my maternal grandmother died from breast cancer years ago.

Affirmation is good.

Building from the Inside Out

 

Image from Brooke Cagle
on UnSplash

Years ago I began to understand I was building a new human being from the inside out.

I began to realize it when a person very close to me told me how fortunate I was to be able to start over in the world as a transgender woman. At first I was scared, could I really re-create myself as a woman and at the same time achieve my ultimate feminine dream. Following years of living and training, I found I could indeed live a life as a trans woman.

Before I did, I needed to decide what old male baggage I would have to discard or adjust to the fact I would have to bring it with me. It was difficult since I decided to seriously began my gender transition at the age of sixty, I had years to consider what to do with my baggage. Initially, I was part of the old transsexual school which believed you had to totally uproot your life and move when you transitioned and start all over. The problem I had was, there was some baggage from my old life I wanted to bring with me. For example, I wanted to try to preserve contact with my family and wondered if my wife (who I loved completely) would ever accept me. Not to mention other key points of my life including my passion for watching sports. 

Fairly quickly, as I transitioned, I was able to indirectly control all I was building from the inside out. By this time, I had worked out most of the appearance or fashion challenges I faced, allowing me to work on expressing my internal self. First of all, I learned my only child accepted me totally and my only sibling (a brother) did not. Sadly, we have not communicated in over a decade now. I know I have survived and I have assumed he has also and we moved on. Since I was now a different person now and he is entrenched in his ways, I am sure it has all been for the best although it hurt me how he handled it by rejecting my invitation to the family's annual Thanksgiving feast.

In many ways, having the opportunity to rebuild myself was terrifying yet exciting. Along the way, I found I needed to transition again. Mainly when I finally decided to make the mental move from cross dresser to transgender woman. I say mental move because I wasn't doing anything outwardly any different as I was doing my best to put my best appearance foot forward as a woman. I knew if I was successful, there would be no turning back on my gender path. It was a huge continuing beginning in the process of leaving my male world behind.

By this time, I was well on my way of deciding what baggage I could bring with me and what I could leave behind. I was preparing to give what was left of my male clothes to a charity and I had fairly quickly established myself as a regular in a couple of the big sports bars I had frequented as a guy. By doing so, I could meet my small group of new women friends I had met and watch the games we all enjoyed. My new life was coming together from the inside out and I was loving it. 

Even still, it sometimes took all the concentration I had to remember I was living a new life and I needed to rely on my inner female to carry it out. By doing so, I was able to say what I was thinking and not screw it up by injecting any of my old toxic male self. The only thing I could rely on was my new friends and their reaction to me since they had no clue of the old me. It was very liberating to say the least. 

Overall, I have to say, building the interior person was more intense when compared to the exterior woman the world saw. Especially when I needed to communicate more and more with the public as my new self. When I did build from the inside out, I learned to live my truth and empower my life as a transgender woman.

  

Welcome to Reality

Out with my girls. Liz on left, Andrea on
right.

I worked very hard to get to the point where I could live as a transgender woman. 

Once I began to arrive, I understood the real work was still ahead. When I finally began to establish myself as a new person, I needed to start all over again. It primarily affected me when I was in a conversation with other women, since men barely talked to me at all. Main examples came when I was invited to several girl's nights out. I learned to interject my family experiences in the older group of women. Instead of saying I was specifically a mother or a father in my life, I said I was a parent to a daughter I was very proud of. By doing so I was able to become an active participant in the give and take women use to communicate when there are no men around. 

It was all a great learning experience for me as I was building my confidence to stay out in public and slip behind the feminine gender curtain. For the most part, I found acceptance except from a few women in the older group who did not accept me. All the younger women did accept me for who I was and I enjoyed going out with them immensely. Since they were all younger and more attractive than I was, they attracted all of the attention, leaving me basically to fend for myself which was fine. It was only the reality of being in the feminine world setting in. 

I also had to deal with a big dose of impostor syndrome when I went behind the gender curtain. I needed to keep telling myself I belonged with a group of women while I was doing it. Following many battles with myself, I finally came to the conclusion even though my path to womanhood was different than most of the world, I still followed a difficult path to arrive where I wanted to. Plus, I needed to remember, being born female did not necessarily entitle a person to being a woman. It was a social title not a biological one. When I arrived at that point, the reality of my situation was easier to understand.

The more I worked on the new me, the better life became. I felt natural when I slipped behind the gender curtain and for the first time in my life, I could say I was happy. Mainly because all of the gender tension I felt attempting to fill an unwanted male role was over. Understanding all the differences between the two main binary genders was never easy but for the first time in my life, I attacked a problem head on and did not try to run behind makeup and a dress to escape. I was the one in makeup and a dress and I had to make it work.

I was fortunate in the fact my inner feminine soul had been watching and learning all along. She was just counting the days until she could take control and quit fighting my male self for domination. Once she was free, activities such as girl's nights out were just icing on the cake. 

Once I discovered my feminine reality and was able to live my truth as a transgender woman, life was so much easier.

Quickly, on another topic, I have decided to go to another LGBTQ Veterans support group meeting coming up soon. I have been to two now and they have been tolerable. The only real problem I have had is explaining what I did in the Army because I was in the American Forces Radio and Television Service. A very small segment of the Army. So, you needed to be deployed overseas to be exposed to AFRTS at all anyhow. During the last group meeting, I think I at least was able to explain what I did in the service and I was in way before "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" military LGBT policy was in effect. It is all so difficult to explain but the moderator seems to want me there, so I am on the week to week participation plan. Past that, we shall see how it goes.    

  

Gender Shape Shifter

 

Witches Ball Halloween
Image,

For years I obsessed with  the idea I basically was  just a shape shifter between my male and female selves. 

All of this coincided with the time I spent as a very serious cross dresser. Basically, all if my idle thoughts were grounded in my feminine appearance. Time I wished I could get back. As my feminized presentation became better, the more I felt more than just a shape shifter. Especially when I began to explore the world as a transgender woman.

My gender ideas were changing primarily because I quit thinking I was fooling the world and began to know I was living as my authentic self. So if the other person was a transphobe and did not like me, it was their problem, not mine. My mind had made a difficult yet important shift when I began to believe in myself. 

At the same time, ironically, my shape shifting became easier. I became more comfortable in the world and at the same time more confident. I found confidence to be my main feminine accessory. Much more so than my favorite jewelry, heels or wigs. Looking another in the eye was much more important when I used the women's room and other places I needed to communicate. Without confidence, I might as well just stayed home and watched television with my miserable male self. I was not shape shifting any longer, I was me.

When I did, I found I was so much happier and I wanted to push the feminine envelope I was living farther and farther. It was all good, until all of my actions put me on a collision course with my second wife who never approved of any ideas of me transitioning any more into a transgender world. I had put myself firmly between the rock and the hard place when it came to my gender issues. To attempt to survive, I did the best I could to live out my dual life I was living. I would over achieve in my work world as a man, then at the same time try to explore the world as a woman.

The more in-depth I became living a dual life as an accomplished shape shifter, the more pressure I felt to do something about it. In the meantime, I was doing things such as shopping for my wife's Christmas gifts as a woman. When I was successful, I was encouraged to do more and more as I suddenly began to feel secure in the world. 

Finally, I came to the point when I cross dressed as a man, I felt foreign as if I was shape shifting again and wanted no part of it. Happily, by that time I was able to try gender affirming hormones which femininized me even further. I enjoyed the effects so much, it was an easy decision for me to never go back to my male world. Being free of gender shape shifting was quite the enlightening experience. 

A Want or a Need?

 

Summer image from
the Archives. 

Are gender issues a want or a need. 

Initially I know I thought being a girl was a want, rather than a dream. During one of my classic if I had known then what I know now phases, all I knew was I loved my cross dressed image in the mirror and could not wait to see her again and again. The worst part is I could find no outside information on my gender issues. Mainly because deep down I knew I wanted to do more than look like a girl, I wanted to be a girl. Those were the pre-internet dark ages, well before the transgender label was even used. Perhaps, had I had access to gender information I would have known the way I felt went way past being a cross dresser or a transvestite, as we were known in those days.

In my mind, the separation between a gender want or need was I could enjoy cross dressing for awhile when I wanted to but wanted to be feminine because I needed to. Sadly, it took me years to figure out what was going on. I went ahead playing the same old male role I disliked so much as I tried to be accepted into a macho male world without becoming a toxic man. Naturally, it was a difficult game to play and wrecked havoc with how I treated the world. My gender issues and how I dealt with them made me so frustrated and mean, I even lost jobs because of them. 

As the information age caught up to me, I began to understand I was not alone in the world any longer and there was even a label for my gender questioning. It was called transgender and it explained why I had never quite felt at home when I started to explore the cross dresser mixers I went to. Most certainly I knew I met a diverse mix of people. Including some of whom were headed for gender realignment surgery. To go that extent went way past being a want and into being a need. Especially if you were going to all the pain and expense to solve the gender problem they may have had. Even though I was intrigued by the transsexuals as they were called then, I knew somehow I quite did not fit it into their world. The same as I felt for the majority of the cross dressers attempting to express their femininity the best they could. I was stuck in the middle again.

I made the best of it by trying my best to research both sides of the spectrum I was observing. At the same time, I was doing my best to improve my femininization presentation so I could observe closer the transsexuals to see if their path could be mine. My biggest deterrents to following the TS route was my second wife who I loved very much and not having the insurance coverage to complete all the expensive surgeries. What I did have was the need to make a gender change. It had long since gone way past being a simple want. By doing so, I put myself into a gender pressure cooker which took me many years to release the pressure and escape.

Even still, the pressure release was not immediate and took me many years of exploration to accomplish. So many days and nights of being lonely and searching for my identity as a transgender woman finally came around to help me. 

I was able to learn my gender issues were so much more than a want because I never had a choice. They were a need I had to survive.      

Tomorrow is Here

Labor Day 2024.

 Throughout my life, I was the best at putting everything off. From homework to attacking a gender issue, I kept putting it off, hoping it would go away. 

Of course it never did and I was stuck until the last moment trying to do something about it. My best laid plans for escape never did work. Especially when it came to my gender issues. When I was young, the whole plan seemed simple enough. Cross dress as a girl as much as I could get away with and then escape back into my male world. No matter how painful that was. 

It was a good plan until life became more and more complex and I wanted more and more from my cross dressing activities. In other words, I wanted out of the mirror and into the world. I started innocently enough with quick trips to the mail box during the day when I was the only one home. Of course I had to wear my shortest skirt and feel the cool air on my freshly shaven legs and I was hooked for life. 

The problem was, tomorrow was never quite here. Once I cross dressed for a quick day, I needed to go back and try to exist in a male world I never really wanted and I deeply resented it. Repeating the entire routine over and over again made me moody, grumpy and overall difficult to live with. Perhaps the worst part was, I had no one to talk to concerning my gender issues. So a full fledged gender tomorrow never came for me. I was just digging myself a deeper hole, thinking someday my life would change. Then, I didn't know it would but I didn't consider how much work it would take me to do it. 

Days, years and even decades went by and still I hid from myself all my gender truths. Most of the time I did not live in the present while I kept in the back of my mind the next time I could cross dress and enjoy my small but growing feminine wardrobe. All of the waiting created it's own set of issues. During that time, my male self was doing his best to survive and prosper in the world. Which at the same time, made the idea of transitioning into a transgender woman more complex and intimidating. It was easy to keep putting off what I knew deep down was true, I was always meant to be a girl. I just had to be in the position to reach out and grab her. 

During that portion of my life, it seemed my gender tomorrow would never be here and massive roadblocks stood up and blocked my way. Navigating them in my newly acquired heels would be a challenge I would have to accept as I crossed the gender border to play in the girl's sandbox. I found myself to be way past the tomorrow mode and started to believe my dream of living as a full time transgender woman was very achievable. 

Very quickly tomorrow became today and with the help of others, I seized the opportunity before I became too old to enjoy it. I am not shy of saying I waited until I was sixty to transition and begin HRT for what ever reason. I ended up feeling so natural, I wondered why I waited so long.