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| Christine Jorgensen. |
Many times, during my life, I have looked at my gender issues as having a big puzzle to solve.
From my earliest age of recollection, I can remember
thinking that something about me was really wrong, but I could not put my finger
on what the problem exactly was. Most likely, it was not until I began to have
a fascination with my mom’s clothes did, I began to discover what the puzzle I
had was really all about. At that point did I embark on a lifetime journey or
path to figure it out. I had no idea of all the twists and turns my path would
take me on until I could finally put the pieces of my gender puzzle together.
Perhaps the biggest part of the puzzle to me was the fact
that I was born into a male world with no way out in sight. I lived in a rural
area around the same kids growing up from kindergarten through ninth grade, so
I figured no one else had the same puzzle to solve that I did. Plus, in the pre-internet
days, when I was growing up, there was no easy way to access any outside
information. Especially none as radical as having anything to do with gender
issues. As close as I could come was sneaking a look at all the “National
Enquirer” type trash rags at a friend of mine’s aunt’s small neighborhood convenience
store. Every once in a while, they would run a sensationalized story about “Christine
Jorgensen” or another G. I. who wanted to change his/her sex. I remember the
first time I saw one of the stories, I was hooked and could not wait to go back
and look for more stories.
In some ways, just looking at these stories made finding pieces
to my puzzle even more difficult to do. There was just no way I could ever see
myself ever arriving at the point where I could go through such drastic
measures to be a woman. I would just have to rely on my dreams to give me hope
of ever living my life the way I wanted. Which of course was that of a
transfeminine person. Hell, the word did not even exist back then in the
sixties and having any sort of gender dysphoria was still considered to be a
form of mental illness. Any hope of piecing together my gender puzzle would
somehow just have to wait. For a bigger problem called military duty.
As I entered my formative years of high school, the Vietnam
War was still escalating and the government had to establish a military draft
to fill the ranks of unwilling participants, which included me. With all the
stress hanging over me, I went off to college to at least prolong the draft
position I had for four more years. Surely, the war would be over by then, but
it wasn’t and it was my time to serve in the Army. I had the dual problems of
not wanting to experience a military career from what it might do to me along
with the problems I would have expressed any of my gender issues which I was
just starting to do when I was drafted. My one certainty was miniskirts on
soldiers would be frowned upon in Army basic training. Any work on my gender
puzzle would have to wait for three long years.
Three years later, I survived my military service much
better than I ever thought possible. I got to travel the world on Uncle Sam’s
dime and even was able to experience the beautiful, exotic “Lady Boys” of Thailand
when I was stationed there for a year. Even though I was fascinated with their
culture, I was never brave enough to approach. Much later on, when I was in
Germany, I gathered my courage to go to a hospital Halloween party dressed head
to toe as a woman which led me later to my first coming out piece to my puzzle.
Over huge amounts of good German beer one night, I admitted to three of my closest
friends that my Halloween “costume” was more than a one-time deal. I was a transvestite
and was attracted to dressing like a woman. Luckily for me, no one else cared
and my secret was safe for the remaining six months I had to serve in the Army.
After I had served my time in the military, piecing together
my gender puzzle became a bigger priority. Initially, I needed to rely on
Halloween parties every year to express my need for public exposure as a
transgender woman as by that time, I was realizing I was much more than a cross-dressing
part-time guy. One of the biggest “aha” moments of my life came the night I
made the mental shift from cross dresser to transgender woman and went out into
the world. Despite being scared to death, I made the evening a success and knew
deep down there was no going back. I had found a giant piece to my puzzle and I
began to wonder what took me so long.
From then on, the pieces to my giant puzzle began to come together
quickly as I began to carve out a life for myself in a world of cisgender women.
To this day, the path I took seemed like a blur and once I began rolling
downhill towards living my dream I could not stop. I was going crazy looking
for the final pieces of my puzzle until I discovered the magic of gender
affirming hormones or HRT. The hormones evened out my testosterone poisoned
personality and enabled me to feel emotions I never realized I had. For the
first time ever, I was able to feel the feminine way I tried so hard to appear
like.
I have never been good at puzzles my entire life and find
them to be exceedingly boring and frustrating…except my gender puzzle. Even
though I don’t think I will ever finish it in this lifetime, the amount of work
I put into it turned out to be very satisfying and just what the therapist in
me ordered. I was able to finish to the point where I could see myself in the
puzzle and was satisfied with what I saw.
