Down but not Out

 

Hair by JJ Hart, Beret hand beaded
by Liz T Designs on Etsy.

One point I always worry about making is how many times I was not successful when I was trying to survive in the world as a novice cross dresser or transgender woman. Or how many times, I walked completely out of my way to escape groups of teenaged girls coming towards me. Perhaps, similar to many of you, I was out and out laughed at by girls seeking their own sense of femininity.

Too many times, that I would like to remember, I needed to rush home with tears in my eyes to go back to the drawing board and reassess what I was doing because obviously, something was wrong. After years of failure, I finally found the person I needed to blame, my old male self and his ego. He was the one who kept urging me on to dress trashy in a failed attempt to show off my own femininity primarily to other men. It turned out I learned I was trying to impress the wrong gender; I should have been trying to impress the ciswomen I encountered. Blending in with them became my primary goal so I could be successful.

Many times, blending myself into a completely new and terrifying world became very difficult due to the layered life women live in. Every time I thought I had turned the corner in my gender life, something would come up and slow my progress down. Again, I was frustrated many times and ended up with me being down and out again in my transgender thinking. Through it all, I needed to keep my head up and be aware of any possibilities I may run into. Or, I should say opportunities to improve.

Out of all the opportunities I faced, I like to point out that communication was the hardest problem I faced once I finally got my appearance situation taken care of. To do it, I needed to solidify who my feminine person was. No more changing wigs and names every other time I went out. I had to settle on what wig and name I would use every time I went out because I was so recognizable. The pressure was on to make sure I was doing all I could to make a good first impression as a transgender woman. I needed to make sure I was properly social without coming off as being bitchy. When in fact, I was just shy with all strangers.

At this time, at least, I was not getting laughed at. I was learning what I needed to do not to be down and out as a transgender woman. Plus, I was still amazed how many other women wanted to communicate with me and understand what I was doing in their world. At that time, it was so important to me not to make a fool of myself and go back to my gender drawing board again. In my case, practice did make perfect, and I was finding myself less and less in potentially embarrassing situations. The problem was (if I had one) was keeping myself engaged at all times in my old male life. In fact, I was always flipping the script when I featured my female life over my old dominating male life. I needed to really concentrate what was left of my male life to make sure I preserved what I worked so hard to build up.

Looking back, I don’t suppose I was ever completely down and out as a transgender or transfeminine person. Even though everything I faced was not a positive situation, deep down I realized I was in a total learning situation, and I could (or should) work my way through it. Sure, I was blindsided in numerous situations, and I needed to rise above my limitations but somehow, I made it.

Every now and then I find myself in a position to give out advice. This time, I am challenging you to challenge yourself if you are actively seeking to change your gender life from male to female, or female to male. It will never be easy as you are attempting one of the most challenging experiences a human can undertake. But your positives will outnumber your negatives if you learn from your opportunities to improve.

Finally, you can get to the point where your old unwanted gender will not pull you down and you will not be down and out as a trans person. When you begin to trust yourself and build your confidence, you will be able to enjoy your new life for a change. You will be an up-and-coming person in a brave new world. Then maybe you to can be down but not out.

 

 

A Thing of Beauty?

 

My Trans Friend Racquel.

During my male to female gender transition years, I always stressed to the max about my appearance as a transgender woman or cross dresser.

Every now and then, I go back into my very early blog posts to see what I was fixated on and quickly noticed I was all about how I looked. In those days, I thought being a woman was all about looks and beauty and I wanted to overcome my testosterone poisoned body to achieve what I could.

The big test of my so-called beauty pageant was when I began to free myself from the mirror and break out of my closet into the world. By doing so, I found I had a lot of work to do if I was able to make it in the world as a transfeminine person at all. My first big test was too present well enough that the teen girls would not notice me and send me home in tears. During that time, my makeup had to be just perfect, and I did not want to ruin my mascara and carefully applied eyeliner by crying. Even when my makeup and hair was done just right, I struggled to think I was anything close to being beautiful. I just wanted to be presentable and live my new experience as a transgender woman.

It wasn’t until my second wife began to call me the “Pretty, pretty princess” when we fought about my cross-dressing desires, did I begin to think about what she was really saying. Since she was an attractive but a no-nonsense makeup woman, and she was my idol in so many ways, I tried to tone down my makeup the best I could to please her. On occasion, she would even go out with me as my feminine self, so I wanted to do the best I could to not embarrass her or myself with how I looked. Of course, the problem continued to be I could not get away with wearing no makeup like she did which led to more fighting.

Many years later, after she passed away, I began to build my own feminine self from what I had learned about beauty and how it related to other ciswomen around me. The first thing I did was becoming a better student of women than I had ever been before. I needed to remove the male blinders I still had to get a realistic view of the world I so desperately wanted to enter and be a part of. I discovered I paid an inordinate amount of time admiring the beautiful ciswomen I saw and not notice the vast majority of women who were doing the best they could with the physical attributes they had to work with. An example was, I was always worried about my height as a trans woman until I began to notice plenty of other tall successful women in the world I was in.

I became less of the “princess” and more of the trans feminine person who was just trying to blend in an survive. It was about this time when Racquel, a trans woman friend of mine told me I passed out of sheer will-power. My willpower took me into a world of lesbian women when hers took a different path into facial operations and men. I guess, in our own ways we were successful transitioning into the world at large with her as a tall, slim beauty and me on a completely different level socializing at lesbian mixers with my friends. By doing so, I learned valuable lifetime lessons on how to live my life without the validation of men at all. If they liked me fine, and if they didn’t (which most did not) that was fine too. Afterall, I was not the ideal girl to being brought home to see the family for the holidays.

Years later, after I met my wife Liz and we became serious, it was difficult enough for me to meet her family for the holidays. Her dad was an extremely right-wing gun rights supporter, and her brother never talked so I did not know what they thought about me. I will never know, since dad passed away years ago and her brother lives south of Cincinnati in Louisville, Kentucky. All I know is, I was extremely ill at ease during holidays with the family.

Now, all I know is that I present well as being old with non-age-appropriate long hair. I can’t do anything about my age and love my hair, so it is not going anywhere. Perhaps I am making up for all the years I had to have my hair cut short in my youth and military days.

As with all other ciswomen, over the years, I have learned to work with what I have been given physically. I was extremely fortunate to have found people who accepted me for who I am as I presented as myself out of sheer willpower.

 

Not a Fetish...A Lifestyle

 

Image from UnSplash. 

I am still always amazed when a bigot or uneducated person thinks a transgender woman dresses as a woman as some sort of a fetish.

In my case, I realized the feminine clothes and makeup I was wearing were secondary to the real reason I was doing it. I wanted to be a woman, or as close as I could come to being one because I knew there were certain things I could never do such as give birth. As I progressed through the years, however, I found I could find my own path to womanhood and follow it. I would have no part of thinking I was involved in a fetish at all. I was different. Little did I know how different I would turn out to be.

Initially, I judged a ciswoman’s life from what I observed, since I was not allowed into experience more. When all you have is a one-sided view, all you get is a shallow result. All I could see was the pretty clothes, shoes and hair that the women around me had. Why did I have to be stuck in my same old shirt and tie when my cousins at Christmas got to wear their new velvet dresses, shiny black shoes, and creamy tights. I was always so disappointed when we left for the trip home, and I dreamed of the day I could be a woman.

For many reasons, I took my time getting to my dream world. It was almost fifty years later when my wife Liz and I took in a Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra Christmas concert, and I was the one who needed to come up with the most beautiful semi-formal gown I could to blend in with the other ciswomen and enjoy the evening, I did as I thrift shopped diligently until I came up with an attractive, sparkly gown in my size. Happily, I brought it home and it worked well as I blended right in. Without a fetish in sight.

The only time I had to deal with being a fetish object was when I first came out into the public out of my closet and tried online dating. At first, all was pretty quiet on the dating front until I began to try the “man seeking man” sites. Since I never kept my transgender status a secret, I began to be flooded with men who wanted to wear my used panties or just meet up in a motel room some place. I even had a couple of men who wanted me to dress them up as a woman. Naturally, I turned down all those requests and was stood up often when I required meeting a man in a public location of my choice. Even though I was intensely lonely, I knew I was more than a fetish object and had to be safe in the new world I was in.

The longer I followed this route, the more I knew I was headed towards a complete gender lifestyle change. My dream was more than a dream and it could be a reality if I tried hard enough to reach it. But first I needed to change who I was trying to reach in the world. When I started out, I thought men would be my focus. All the way to having one woman friend tell me to get a banana and practice. (I will let your imagination do the rest.) As I progressed though, I discovered the opposite was true, in order to make it in life, I needed to first be accepted in the world of ciswomen. Who made it a practice of looking me over from head to toe when I went out in the world. They taught me how to be better, because I was certainly not a fetish object to them. I was locked into a scary, exciting new transfeminine lifestyle.

When I became a regular in certain venues, it helped me jump the gap I was experiencing when someone just saw me for the first time and thought I was a man in a dress. When they saw me for the second time or more, they began to realize I was a lifestyle, no matter what I used to be. The world opened for me, as well as the ciswomen around me who taught me I did not need validation from a man to feel good about myself.

As day-to-day transgender women, we do face the improbable battle with trans porn in the world. Men think we are all like women they see in videos, and magazines. When the men find out we are not the fetish objects of their desire, some react violently. Trans women have enough threats to face without the extra problems of trans porn.

As soon as the government leaves us alone and realizes we are just living our lives, not as fetish objects, the world will be a better place to live. Our transgender reality is what we are fighting for.

 

 

 

Gender Lost and Found

 

Image from Patrick Hawlick
on UnSplash.  

Navigating the path of lost and found is often very difficult for a transgender woman or transgender man. Speaking for me only, my path was filled with many holes and dead ends before I ever saw any success.

Perhaps, even more frustrating was the fact that once I thought I had made a significant move forward, I would hit a brick wall and be rejected again, and desperation set in. Too many times, at the beginning of my feminine experience when I had no clue of what I was doing wrong when I had enough courage to leave my dark closet. It finally occurred to me that I had had enough of my frustrating existence as a man. Sadly, some days I was on my transfeminine game. Some days not so much as there was so much to learn. Such as, on the days when my makeup, hair and wardrobe looked presentable, I caught myself making the same old male scowl I had perfected to keep the world away. It got so bad, I even had a little girl point me out to her mom by saying “Look at the big MEAN woman” Not the image I wanted to portray but at least I passed the woman part. The gender cup was half full, and I had learned a valuable lesson.

My biggest challenge was putting together my feminine image once I succeeded in getting it out of the mirror. The mirror was always kind to me by telling me just what I wanted to hear. While the public was brutally honest with me and they were my mirror. Sometimes I found what I was looking for and was accepted as a trans woman, and some days I wasn’t. The classic lost and found. My goal always was to keep my gender finds much more frequent than my losses. What I never knew was how difficult that would be. I thought I had a good understanding of what a woman’s life would be all about, until I learned how wrong I was. It seemed my lessons were like peeling back the layers of an onion. Even to the point of shedding tears when I was not successful.

The more I followed the obscure gender signs on my path, the more of my male life I lost and of course, he hated it. With the hate came an alliance with my second wife to stop me from finding more of my transgender self. The two on one battle was never fair, but I knew I would have to fight it anyway for my self-survival. The ultimate lost and found was at stake for me. I had a life to lose when I transitioned as I faced the very real reality of losing my marriage, family, friends and employment. On the other hand, I faced the growing reality I could live out my lifetime dream of living as a woman on my terms.

Ultimately, I discovered I uncovered a life so rich and full, I wondered how I had ever lived without it before. Of course, I am referring to my new life as a transgender woman. I found my unique life between the two main binary genders gave me a perspective on life that many others just don’t have. I never lost my knowledge of what men think, while at the same time gaining an idea of what women were thinking too. In fact, several women I knew after I transitioned reached out to me for ideas about problems they were having with their men. I knew I had finally arrived and had gained more than I had ever lost.

As I could see the distant finish line on my gender path, I picked up speed and did things such as start gender affirming hormones or HRT. The hormones never made me transgender but helped me to sync up my internal gender issues. I was so fortunate when the doctor said I was healthy enough to start his hormonal program. Minimal dosage or not, I was on my way again.

Even though, I don’t think I would wish gender lost and found on anyone, for me, what I went through made life interesting. Just to understand in my own way what ciswomen go through in their lives as close as I could took me closer to my goal of jumping to what I saw as the side of the gender border, I wanted to be on. I even lived through the old “bait and switch” side of life when I thought I was being successful, but I wasn’t. Ultimately, learning more and more transgender lessons as I did.

 

 

 

Too Low on the Down Low

 

Image from Ky Nang
on UnSplash. 

I describe my life when I was cheating on my second wife with another woman(me) as being on the down low. Especially when in the early days I was hanging out in gay bars.

On occasion, I feel as if I make the process of transitioning with or without my wife’s support a little too exciting or even fun. I need to make it clear; it was anything but. It all started with a deal my wife and I made which I could go out in the public as a woman, only if I did not do it from our house. I even went as far as renting out motel rooms to apply my wardrobe, makeup and hair as I got ready to go out into the world.

Of course, with my mentality, that was never enough, and I started to break our agreement to never go out cross dressed from the house. The more I did it, the more I wanted to do it. That is when the going on the down low really started as I was sneaking around behind her back as a novice transgender woman every chance I got. I was stuck in life between not breaking our agreement and feeling so natural every time I went out in the world. During my life, I had always prided myself on being very honest, so I was not happy with the way my life was headed when I needed to lie to my wife when it came to explaining what I was doing in my spare time. Or why I was not successful in removing all my makeup when she came home.

The next biggest problem I ran into when I was on the down low was what was I going to do about the women who were approaching me. It was not as if I was being bombarded with romantic advances, but I did have some slight pushes. I felt bad because I never had any intention of ever physically cheating on my wife. However, I had always been a bit of a flirt which carried over from my days of being a male. There were occasions such as the night a man tried to pick me up in a bar after a professional makeover that I wonder what would have happened had I stayed. I didn’t and I will never know as well as what would have happened had I pushed a little harder to get to know a certain man with a motorcycle I was becoming close to.

I guess I had reached the bottom of my down low except for some stolen kisses from my lesbian friends. I internalized my feelings and waited for them to come to me, just like my male days. Then, when my wife unexpectedly passed away, everything changed and at the least I had purged my feminine life the best I could for the last six months of her life as I did not want to lie to her anymore. After she passed, all my barriers were removed and the first thing I needed to do was determine my sexuality. I thought to do it; I needed to go on public safe dates with a couple men I had met. I had a great time with Bob who was passing through Dayton on business, but he was married and lived far away. I did not have to worry about being brought home to mom in our brief relationship.

On the lesbian side of my life, things were decidedly different since I was no longer on the down low. Since HRT had effectively did away with any masculine sexual advances, I needed to learn new techniques. If I was brave enough, I found with the lesbian culture I needed to move slow and let them make the first move. I basically ended up with a group of three women I was close to. Which was all I needed. From the three, Nikki was never a real possibility because she was too much younger than me and I think would have recoiled at the idea of ever having relations with any sort of men (including me) at all. She was just an entertaining drinking buddy. Kim and my future wife Liz were in totally different situations. Both had lived difficult lives and were closer to me in age so they could relate to me being in a rebounding situation from all the death I had went through. In the end, I decided to move in with Liz in Cincinnati and are still together over a decade later, so I made the right move. Although every now and then I hear from Kim.

One way or another, life on the down low was never any fun for me. I constantly felt as if I was cheating on my wife. It was a relief to finally let it go and live my life authentically as a transfeminine person.

 

Affirmation Day

 

Image from Cate Bligh
on UnSplash

A much-needed affirmation day for me is here.

Today is the event I have written so much about. By pure chance, three of my daughter’s family have graduated from various institutions and will celebrate today.  

With a little luck (and planning on my daughter’s part) my transgender grandchild will return from their post-graduation trip walking the Appalachian trail. They graduated with a degree in nuclear engineering from The Ohio State University in the winter and immediately landed a job with the Navy as a civilian in Maine. They and theirs are their chosen pronouns.

Not to be outdone, my son in law is receiving his MBA this summer and my youngest grandson is graduating from high school. A group of overachievers to be sure!

This is where my affirmation comes in. The entire event is a safe space for me to go to where I can recharge my gender batteries for the future. Plus, my best ally, my wife Liz, will be by my side.

To be on the safe side, I have been planning ahead for months on what I am going to wear. I am aiming to be dressy and feminine without going overboard since I don’t know much about the venue.

I chose my favorite lacy feminine top and am pairing them with comfortable leggings and shoes since I don’t know how far I will have to walk. As always, I don’t want to stand out, I want to blend in. Sometimes, there are pictures taken, so if I get one, I will pass it along.

Past that, I have been able to do much of my pre-body preparation in advance, so today all I need to do is a close shave, makeup and hair to get ready. We have a reasonable drive to go north to Dayton, Ohio from Cincinnati to arrive at the venue.

As we go and I get my gender batteries recharged, I will let you know what happens.  

A Trans Girl and her Hair

 

JJ Hart and Mega Hair. Most of
it is tied up behind my head.

Certainly, one aspect of life transgender women share with cisgender women is the love of their hair.

Very early in my life and for years following, like so many novice cross dressers, I had no access (financial or otherwise) to buying a wig, nor did my mom wear one. I was stuck wearing a towel around my head and imagining I had beautiful flowing hair.

I needed to wait until my college years before I could afford to buy a wig, which supposedly was for my fiancé who I desperately wanted to not like it. To me, it was long blond, thick and beautiful, and I couldn't wait to try it on. I was still firmly in the closet to her in those days, so I needed to figure out an excuse to wear it.

Finally, I could not take the pressure any longer and came out of my closet to her and asked her to dress me head to toe as a woman with (you guessed it), that beautiful hair to finish off my outfit. As it turned out, that one day of satisfaction of cross dressing would come back to haunt me later. To make a long story short, she held my gender issues against me and threatened to leave me if I did not tell the military draft board, I was gay when they came after me during the Vietnam War. We broke up when I refused her demands and fortunately, I got to keep the wig. Years later, I found I received the better end of the deal.

After I was discharged from the military, I did have the financial resources to purchase more wigs and was able to be successful on occasion when I did not simply try to buy the longest hair in the wig shop, I went to. I normally traveled at least fifty miles to get to a quality venue to purchase a new wig. I was obsessed with my hair; it was the crowning glory of all the work I put into my fashion and makeup. As with many other aspects of learning to blend in with the other women around me, I took the wig obsession too far. I was beginning to be involved with the public far too often to change wigs every day. They were beginning to know me looking a certain way and I needed to stay on course to carve out a niche as the new transfeminine person I wanted to be. My clown wigs, as I called them, went into a storage bin, only to be seen again on Halloween…maybe.

The biggest jump from there came when I started to grow an amazing amount of my own hair when I started gender reaffirming therapy or HRT. The prescribing doctor told me that I would grow a lot of hair, and he was right. He noticed at the age of sixty, I had no signs of male pattern baldness which I carry over to this day.

Another person who noticed my hair was my daughter and for my first birthday following coming out to her, she offered me a trip to her upscale beauty salon for a color and style of my new hair which was all mine! Naturally, I was scared to death to go but the experience opened so many doors for me. The main door was the understanding of why so many women make a priority of going to a hairdresser to look good. As I soaked up the atmosphere at the salon, I thought I could skip my daily dosage of estradiol tablets I was on at the time were not needed because of all the estrogen in the air. Even though I was still frightened, I still loved it as I was the center of attention for my hairdresser and my daughter who was hovering nearby.

From that point onward, wigs were in my past and I needed to concentrate on my own hair. An immediate problem was I couldn't see the back of my head and did not have a wig head to rely on to turn the hair around and see the back. It did not take me long to master the art of holding another mirror up, catching the reflection in the main mirror so I could see the back of my head. Initially, I compared it with seeing the dark side of the moon.

I know my experience with hair turned out to be very lucky in my world of genetics. While I did not have to put up with expensive wigs, going to a hairdresser is certainly not cheap. Plus, for me at least, I think the ability to go without wigs was one of the most important aspects of me presenting well as a woman.

Maybe it was karma making up for all those years I had to have short hair, when I was finally allowed to grow it out. Whatever the case, I share with women everywhere, trans or not, the importance of having good hair. Plus, you can still have great hair with your wigs, if anyone asks if it is your own hair, you can truthfully answer, yes! I bought it.

 

Women's Spaces

 

Image from Tim Mossholder
on UnSplash.

As far as being included in the so-called women’s spaces in the world, the women’s restroom is the crown jewel of inclusiveness.

When I was in my earliest stages of transitioning into my transgender womanhood, being “allowed” to use the women’s room, seemed to be an impossible dream. What went on behind the closed doors of the women’s room was so special anyway? As destiny would have it, I was to find out. My journey began when I started to become a regular in the sports bars I write so much about. The nearest ones to my home were nearly half an hour away, so I needed to time my restroom visits carefully, once I summoned the courage to use them. You see, I had to because of the amount of beer I was drinking. One led to another. When I drank, alcohol gave me the courage to be more confident about myself but on the other hand I needed to go more often.

As I gathered my courage to use the women’s room, I tried my best to time my visits so it would be empty.  Sometimes I was successful and other times I was not, so I did my best to see and learn from what other cisgender women were doing in their “sacred” space. Most of the women I encountered were just there to do their business, wash their hands and touch up their makeup. Quickly they were gone.

For the most part, the first lesson I learned was to look other women in the eye and give them a greeting with a smile. Which would have been a huge no no in the men’s room. From then on, it was just a matter of having the proper restroom necessities handy to ensure I was able to follow proper etiquette. I made sure my cell phone was always handy in my purse so I could use it in case I needed to wait in line for a stall. I even went so far as to carry an extra small amount of tissue paper, in case I needed to loan it out to a desperate fellow user in the next stall.

From my days in the bar/restaurant business I knew how women were not always the pristine humans in a restroom they claim to be, so I knew to look before I sat down to check for any wet spots or worse. I was also careful to always check for a hook to hang my purse on, so I did not have to put it on the floor. A sure sign of a gender intruder.

Through it all, I did not see or participate in any of the brief gossip sessions I encountered. Except for one memorial evening when I needed to use the restroom in one of the bars Liz and I went to. When I went in, the restroom was tiny and packed with women talking about a certain man. As my luck would have it, one evil looking woman was blocking my way to a toilet stall I needed to use in the worst way. Without physically moving her, I needed to stare her down and say excuse me as she let me by. By this time, I did not care what she thought of me, and my revenge was coming. When I finished my business in the stall, I came out to wash my hands and check my makeup. In the meantime, she had moved to a spot near the electric hand dryer which I needed to use. As luck would have it, she was slouching against the wall near the dryer, and I was able to direct the air flow towards her hair. Naturally, she did not enjoy her new hairstyle, and I got my revenge.

I was not as successful as the time I mentioned when I was first visiting women’s rooms. Even though I tried to be a regular in the venues I visited and had no problems with using the room, I did have the police called on me twice a long time ago. To this day, I still have negative feelings about those police calls. Specifically, the one where I was called a pervert. I was deeply hurt but ended up being able to report the woman who ended up owning her own hair salon to the Dayton, Ohio LGBTQ alliance for being an anti-transgender business.

These days, here in my native Ohio, the Republican bills banning all restroom usage by transgender women and trans men are currently in court battles to determine their legality. Whatever happens, it has been decades since I have used a men’s room, and I will be damned if I will ever go back. Besides, using the men’s room would subject me to bodily harm which I certainly don’t need.

The bottom line (no pun intended) to all of this is, be careful when you use the women’s room and know the written and unwritten rules of the room. Above all, your basic confidence in yourself will be an integral part of your experience.

My disclaimer and limits on all of this comes with when a pre-opt trans woman attempts to use a women's only locker room. I can understand all the problems which comes with doing this and I agree. It should be a women's only space.  

 

 

Adjusting to Gender Change

 

Image from Fab Lentz on Unsplash.

Adjustment to gender change was never easy for me.  

Two of the biggest initial problems came when I realized that I had too few feminine characteristics to help me start. Being seen as a so called “normal” male did help me keep the bullies away but provided me no help when I was attempting to cross dress as a girl for the mirror. Plus, all along I knew the problem of looking like a girl was just going to get worse as I grew older and enter puberty. In the worst way, I wanted to add curves to my body and not the masculine angles I was getting. By this time, I was building a secure dark gender closet to protect me from the world, and it saved me many times from being caught.

The other big problem was, I did not know what I was doing when I was trying to femininize myself. I had none of the peer support (or criticism) from the girls around me to aid me in the way I appeared in the public’s eye. My makeup alone I feared made me look like a clown in drag. It took me years of work in the mirror before I had the confidence to go out in public as a cross dresser or novice transgender woman. Which was just beginning to be understood.

I also needed years to develop the courage to even try to go out into the world. Eventually, after quite a bit of failure, I experienced enough success to finally build confidence to build myself to a point I could own who I was. Being true to myself meant entering a room and feeling confident in my identity.  It also meant when I was ridiculously dressed as a teen and was getting laughed at or attracting unwanted attention, I still had to own it until I could make it home and change. From that point forward, I began to seriously adjust my wardrobe and fashion choices to dress to blend in with the other women around me. By doing so, I finally left the male in myself behind. I understood women ran the world in their own way, and to enter, I needed to change my thought pattern about my gender life significantly.

Out went the very short miniskirts and shorts and in came leggings, boots and jeans. I was haunting the thrift stores so often, I thought a few of them were beginning to know me. Ironically, I received pushbacks from others in the cross-dressing community for my fashion choices. Several went out of their way to tell me I could wear pants anytime I wanted as a man, why would I want to wear pants when I was a woman. I came to the point where I responded I did not need clothes to define my transgender womanhood. Or my gender is between my ears, and my sex is between my legs. Plus, it was not as if I was that butch when I dressed as a woman. I normally always wore my heels and makeup with my slacks and blouses when I went out. I did not know it at the time, but I was developing my later life as a femme transgender lesbian.

As stubborn as I always was, I still was insecure in my own way and needed reinforcement in my transgender womanhood. That is when going out to the new venues I had discovered helped me along. Repeating the same movements repeatedly as a trans woman, helped me along towards my goal of living fulltime and I could see the results of my efforts in life very personally in the public’s eye. When I discovered my lifelong dream of living as a woman could be within reach, I needed to go for it.

At that point in time, my battle of genders really set in. To put it mildly. My male self was not ready to give up what remained of his life at the age of sixty. Essentially, he wanted to know if I could afford to make the transition and give up all the white male privilege, he had worked a lifetime to build up. On the other hand, my up-and-coming feminine side was arguing at my age, it was now or never as far as a gender transition was concerned. The hardest part of my gender work was already done.

I had spent the greatest part of fifty years having to adjust to gender change, and I was more than ready to attempt the final jump to start HRT or gender affirming hormones to aid in the process. Your results may vary but, in my case, my entire life was never easy. As I view it now, it was worth the effort to adjust to a gender change.

 

Every Eye was on Me

JJ Hart

 When I was first entering the world as a novice cross dresser or transgender woman, I felt as if every eye was on me.

For the most part, most eyes were on me. Especially from other women. I vividly remember the times I was looked from head to toe by another woman. Slowly but surely, she was undressing every aspect of my fashion and making no secret of it. I thought at the time, I was just being introduced to the aspect of womanhood and to just get used to it.

At the same time, I was working on my overall femininized presentation, I was trying my best to mimic the way women move so I would not appear as a linebacker in drag. My adventures took me as far as trying to walk like a girl in large box stores late at night. I wonder now how many security cameras I made it on trying to perfect my walk. Through it all, I needed to be careful I was not walking the wrong way at the wrong time. Or for example, remember to not try to walk like a woman when I was working as a man. The entire process became more difficult the more I began to split down my time increasingly in favor of being a woman. I started with just cross dressing when I could a few days a week and ended with splitting my time four days a week in a feminine world versus three as a man. The whole process became even more complicated because I was still working my full-time job as a man. Especially when it came time to getting a new pair of glasses and I wanted to change over to feminine frames. 

The most difficult aspect of what I was attempting to do was the mental aspect of trying to juggle both main binary genders. I needed every moment to work on my transition and get used to all the nuances of it. A big portion of the process involved being looked at. At the least, no matter how well I applied my makeup, styled my hair and picked the right clothes for the occasion, I was still a big woman and would naturally attract attention. I attempted to conquer the size issue by losing weight. I responded by losing a significant amount of weight which helped in two ways. I could fit into better fitting women's clothes and at the same time look better when I went through another woman's inspection.

Of course, I was inspected by men too, but the inspection was much simpler, and I knew what it would involve. Women on the other hand, had more to look for since they had experience in the fine points of putting outfits together. At some point in their life, they had to put together everything from shoes to wardrobe to hair to put an outfit together. Since I needed to do it too, I knew what they were looking for and tried to plan for it. My accessories needed to match the rest of my hand-picked outfit to succeed. Even still, the times I went through helped me to prepare my future life as a transgender woman. 

If every eye was going to be on me, I was just going to have to adjust and do the best I could. If it was possible, I would try to thank all those women who looked me up and down. They taught me what I needed to do to succeed in my future. 

Real Life Impostors

JJ Hart at Key Largo.

 At various times in my life, I have suffered from impostor's syndrome when I was out with other women celebrating a girl's night out.

While I was overjoyed to be invited to the events and considered them to be a rite of passage to my transgender womanhood, I still could not shake my underlying feelings of doubt when I was allowed behind the gender curtain. 

As I went through the process, I began to wonder if all human beings go through a form of impostor syndrome in their lives. What I am trying to say is no woman is born a woman. They are socialized through life to achieve the status of women since they were born female. Men also go through the same process. It's the primary reason I had such a difficult time leaving my male past behind because in many ways I had made it to manhood which was miles away from just being another male. I needed to start all over again to travel to my gender goal of transgender womanhood. 

In the meantime, my confidence was building that I had as much right as the next woman to be at special functions. I had just arrived at the same point the other women did by using another path. I was aided also when I calmed down and began to contribute more to the group. I found I had more in common than I thought in this women's only space. Even though, I most certainly did not birth a child, I could bring up my own daughter and grandkids who I was so proud of. I just needed to flip the gender script to relieve myself of any possible impostor syndrome feelings. 

It wasn't just at the girl's nights out when being a gender impostor took a hold of me. Another prime example were the nights when I felt I was doing everything right. My fashion, hair and makeup all were on point and yet there I was wondering what I was doing there at all. I was devastated when I had come so far in my feminine presentation, just to have something else stand in my way. It took me awhile, but I worked my way through it all and put impostor syndrome in my rear-view mirror.

On the increasingly rare occasions when I encountered any resistance from the public, I finally came to the conclusion they were the true gender impostors. It was very clear to me why men left me alone as they were so insecure in their own sexuality. On the other hand, most cisgender women were more secure and not afraid to reach out to me. Especially interesting to me was the interaction I had with the lesbian community. Most of the lesbians I had a positive experience with had past encounters with men, so I was not so far from a person they would consider knowing. I learned quite early in my experiences in public, the various levels of the lesbian society. In fact, my first date with a man was with a very masculine lesbian on his way to becoming a full-fledged transgender man. Many times, the more masculine the lesbian, the more interest they showed in me. They were certainly not gender impostors.

Real life gender impostors are everywhere in this increasingly hostile world. We don't need insecure people in power using transgender women and trans men as crutches to increase their own power. 

Trans Girl at the Symphony

 

Cincinnati Music Hall

I really don't know why but this experience usually slips my mind. Even though, it is one of the most dramatic experiences I have ever had. 

All of this happened several years ago when I was still attempting to navigate the world as my authentic self for first time. Also, my future wife Liz felt the time was right for me to accompany her to the Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra Christmas concert. The whole idea petrified me, but I could not say no and I set about preparing for what I could wear to a semi formal event. My first.

Fortunately, thrift shopping came to my rescue as I found a very sparkling gown to wear in black. As I prepared by shaving, applying makeup and doing my hair, my nervousness subsided a little as we waited for the Uber, we called to take us downtown to the concert hall. 

When we arrived, my nerves returned as we were stuck in a crowd of people waiting to go to their seats. The only thing which saved me was, no one seemed to be paying me much attention. When I sensed no one cared about me, I began to calm down. As far as the musical performance went, I admit I had never been much a fan of classical music, but I did the best I could to enjoy it, and I did. Once I calmed down. Ironically, I was very calm until the lights came up and intermission began. People were moving around which put me in danger of being discovered as a transgender woman. I was not, and the concert resumed. 

Before I knew it, the experience was over, and I could breathe again until we stopped at a venue along the Ohio River for a drink or two to celebrate the holidays and our relationship together. Once again, my nervousness increased until we settled in at the new venue. Again, we were treated very well. I even used the women's room with no repercussions which was becoming a necessity.

What I learned from the entire experience, I found if I did not try harder to expand my horizons as a transgender woman, I never would. Plus, there was never a better time in my life to do it. Because I was spending my time with Liz, it made the whole time so much more pleasurable.

The concert was only the beginning of me building my confidence in my transgender womanhood. Liz wanted to travel, so I learned to travel and again learn new horizons of fitting in with strangers as a woman. I viewed it as a layered trip to learn more and more about my new world. Most importantly, I learned to interact one on one with other women and basically ignore the men who were ignoring me. 

It all was an important springboard into my future desired life which I had to do in a hurry, since I had such a late start at the age of sixty. I can't stress enough, when I did start, despite my fear or nervousness, I enjoyed it immensely. The entire process, proved once again, I had made the right decision when I chose to live as my authentic self. Plus, I needed to discover for once and for all, who was my true self before I could move on with all the major decisions I needed to make.

As I said before, I had never been a real fan of classical music, but it started me down the path to a beautiful future. 

Always Running

 

Image from JJ Hart

Much of my life was immersed in running from my gender problems. 

As fast as I could, I changed jobs and even places my wife and I lived so I thought would make a difference in my life. The prime example was when I picked up and moved my small family from our native southwestern Ohio to the huge bustling New York City metro area to operate a fast-food restaurant. By doing so, I thought deep down I would be closer to a population which would be more friendly to my cross-dressing desires.  I only made it a year before the culture shock pushed me back to our native Ohio.

In the meantime, I did have several moments when I was in New York which I will always fondly remember. One of which was the night I actually got out of the house by myself without my wife and drove myself out to Long Island for a transvestite mixer I had read about. Once I was out, I had two major surprises waiting for me. The first of which was I was happy I found the venue at all. The second one happened when I tried to get in. There were two women at the door monitoring who got in or not. I was flattered when they refused to believe I was a man at all and asked for an I.D. to prove who I was under all the hair, makeup, and fashion. 

The second most memorable night was again when I managed to be out alone in the world as my authentic self. Quite unexpectedly, I was invited to a Halloween party by one of my female assistant managers. Of course, I did not to think twice before I accepted her invitation and began to plan ahead on what I could wear that my wife would approve of. Finally, I learned she would never approve anything I wanted to wear, so I set out on my own to come up with a costume I would have fun with. It turned out my short tight dress and heels matched perfectly with what the other women in our little group were wearing. Plus, the women were all tall and I really blended in well in our heels.  

As I said, the culture shock of NYC over Ohio wore me down and we ended up moving back. When I did, I immediately fell back into the whole cross-dressing culture I was in before. I was unhappy and hidden away from the world, so I found another place to move to and uproot our lives. The job I was working offered me an opportunity opening restaurants along the Ohio River in southern Ohio. A very conservative area to be sure so I needed to up my cross-dressing outings. Somehow, throughout the whole adventure I grew tired of having limited places to go and wanted another move to improve myself. 

This time, I tried to move back to the Columbus, Ohio area where I knew several very diverse friends in the LGBTQ community, specifically the transgender crowd. Following a lot of work, I finally landed the job I wanted, and we moved again.

Finally, I grew tired of all the running I was doing, and I needed to settle down and face my gender issues head on. It took me until I was sixty to realize I needed to make a change to a full-time transgender lifestyle. When I did, a giant weight was lifted off my shoulders and I went on to start gender affirming hormones or HRT. It was a wonderful way to live. 

Not Scared? In the Wrong Room

 

Image from Alexandra Gorn
on UnSplash.

I cannot begin to tell you how terrified I was to interact with the public when I first began to attempt to live in the public's eye.

One night in particular always stands out in my mind. It was the evening when I had pre-determined my cross-dressing days were behind me and I was going out as a transgender woman. Furthermore, I knew if I was successful, it would change my life forever. As I prepared for my big night out, I took extra care with my outfit, makeup and hair. I wanted to make sure I blended properly with all the other women I would be interacting with at an upscale bar I was going to which was heavily frequented by professional women who worked at a nearby mall.

Once I made the short trip to the venue and found a parking spot relatively close to the front door. As I sat in the parking lot, the pressure to go in increased dramatically. As I nervously checked and adjusted my makeup in the car's rearview mirror, again and again the fact was not lost on me I could be changing my life forever. By the time I gathered my courage to actually enter the venue, I could barely breathe and was gasping for air. 

It took me awhile to gather my courage and enter the front doors of the place and interact with the hostess stand. Deep down, I was hoping the hostess would be busy seating other patrons so I could sneak on through and find a seat at the bar. The short distance from the hostess stand to the bar seemed to be miles to me but I made it and luckily found a corner seat at the bar by myself. Plus, the bar itself was supported by two large thick pillars. I figured if I found a seat next to one, I could blend in and hide if I needed to. I did not need to hide as I was approached for my order by a friendly bartender. 

Immediately, my fears began to melt as I ordered my first drink and even started to relax a bit and watch all the other women who had begun to arrive at the bar to enjoy each other's company. As I observed the group, I saw no one was noticing me. So far, so good. No one noticed a very scared novice transgender woman in their group. 

Of course, this evening was only the beginning of my new transgender journey. I knew my life had changed forever. I could never go back to the old unwanted, boring male life I was living. To move forward, there would be many nights when I would be very scared. Somehow, I learned to feed off my fear to propel me forward. No longer was I a weekend cross dresser, I was reborn as a very serious transgender woman.

My end game was using fear to refine my push forward by putting extra time and effort into my fashion and makeup. That way, when I needed to walk past a crowd of strangers in a new venue I was in, I could do it without any issues. 

I finally decided, if I did not feel any fear at all, I was in the wrong room. Especially, in today's climate, it pays to always be aware of your surroundings. Maybe fear is a strong word, but awareness is not. 

The Gender Envelope

 

Image from Alexandru
Zdobau on Unsplash.

Sure, I spent or waisted far too many years before I fully transitioned into transgender womanhood.

I was too slow for such a long time actually pushing my personal gender envelope when I was busy telling myself I was no more than part-time cross dresser. I saw no harm in just doing my best to look like a woman until it just wasn't the answer I was looking for. The more I cross dressed and improved my feminine presentation, the more I pushed the envelope and looked for more. Very quickly, my yearly Halloween adventures just were not enough.

I began to wonder if I made a good impression at Halloween, could I make the same impression if and when I tried to go out in public as a novice transgender woman. Following many trials and error experiences, I found I could survive a public which largely did not care about me. The big error I always point out is when I was not receiving any attention to speak of as a woman, I began to dress trashy to attract the wrong sort of attention. I was mistakenly pushing my gender envelope the wrong way. When I finally began to understand the best ways to dress my male body and apply the proper makeup, did I begin to be successful and blend in with other women in the world. 

Once I had accomplished all of the fashion, hair and makeup necessities, I allowed myself to further push my gender envelope. When I did, I found myself needing to understand how women exist in the world. Or how do they communicate with other women and men. I had a quite a bit of catching up to do since I was attempting to catch a moving train heading down the tracks. I did not have the benefit of growing up female with a mother or peer group to guide me. I always point out; the passive aggressive system of interaction most women operate under was the most difficult for me to learn. Since childhood, I was always used to the full-frontal confrontational world men operate in so I was attempting to survive in a whole new world.

Once I did survive, I began to push even harder, ignoring warnings from my wife on what would happen if I was ever caught. I put the male gay bars behind me and moved on to big sports bars and lesbian bars where I could actually be myself. I thought I had reached my peak when a dear friend of mine invited me to a trip to a NFL Monday Night Football game in Cincinnati. Even though I was very scared at the thought of going, I could not turn down a chance to empty my envelope and lay my gender cards on the table. Since I am not really a gambler, I hoped the lifetime of preparation I put into this moment would serve me well. 

The moment did serve me well. As always, I survived and became a better woman for it. Plus, I learned the game was only the beginning. The life in my transgender womanhood I was going to experience, would be extremely fulfilling and everything I thought it could be when I started pushing my gender envelope.

Amazing

 

Image from JJ Hart

As I sat and watched a singer do a wonderful rendition of John Lennon's "Imagine" and watched the ball in New York drop to ring in 2025, I had the chance to look back and think about how amazing my life has been.

As in everybody's life, destiny stepped in and took me in directions I never thought possible. The entire process was how I perceive the supposed death experience people have when they die. In other words, they get to see their life pass in front of their eyes. If indeed that does happen, I may have to ask for a little extra time to view all of mine.

Over a long life, I have been so fortunate to experience so many things. Outside the all-encompassing world of gender for me, was when I managed to land a job in the Army with the American Forces Radio and Television Service in Thailand and Germany as a radio disc jockey. To put it into perspective, there were only sixty other troops in the entire Army who did what I did. Since back in those days, we were basically the only connection our listeners had with home, it was a very serious job. 

Once I had served my time of three years and was released from active duty, I needed to take on again my larger issues of gender identity. To do so, I undertook serious research and development. Any time I could such as Halloween parties, I began to explore public reactions to my femininized self. For the most part, people I knew were astounded and I moved on. Perhaps it was my shaved legs which gave me away. Whatever the case, time flew by, and I started to cross dress more and more in the public's eye. Plus, at the same time, I slowly began to perfect my knowledge of fashion, makeup, and hair. I discovered the more I did, the more natural I felt and the more I wanted to do. In no time at all it seemed I was accomplishing tasks such as doing the family grocery shopping as a woman and it felt amazing.

Imagine my surprise when I then discovered I was going through another major gender transition. All of a sudden, I was losing my desire to just look like a woman and I more and more wanted to explore a path to transgender womanhood. Mainly because I was feeling alive and amazing when I did it. Now we all know how difficult a gender transition is for the average human being, and I was no different. I had very few natural feminine characteristics to work with and I had to struggle completely to survive in the life I wanted to live. Especially when I hit what I call the dark period of my life when I lost nearly everyone close to me to death. 

In order to bounce back, amazingly, I was able to rely on my strong inner feminine soul to survive at all. She helped me find my way. During the bounce back period of my life was the time I found a whole new set of women friends to instruct me on how to live my new life. Included in the trio of new friends, was my new wife Liz who I never expected to meet. At my advanced age of sixty plus, I would never find another person to be close to the rest of my life. Especially since I carried so much gender baggage with me. At the time, I still maintained one tentative foot in the male world, until Liz told me she did not see any male in me at all and what was I waiting for. Go ahead and fully transition. I was amazed and still am since it was over thirteen years ago when our relationship happened and is still going on strong today. 

The end result of watching the ball drop to welcome the scary year of 2025 was I have been so fortunate to have led an amazing life so far. Mainly because destiny has been on my side, and I have lived long enough to accept it.  

Outreach Lunch

 

Today is the Alzheimer's Association diversity council holiday luncheon.  

It will be interesting on several levels. The first level will be the near hour drive to get to the venue in a rainstorm. Of course, I put off getting gas in the car so I will have to stop in the rain to fill the car up with gas. Which will undoubtedly ruin all the time and effort I put into doing my makeup and hair this morning. One of the problems of being a woman.

The second level I will face is all the people I will be meeting for the first time in person. Since I joined the diversity council, all the meetings have been virtual, so I did not have to worry as much about my overall appearance. Resorting to a close shave and light makeup to get me by. This morning, I needed to be on point with my makeup and hair regardless of the weather, so I put more time and effort into my appearance. 

Plus, there will be more people at the luncheon since the Dayton, Ohio chapter is joining us for the holiday luncheon.  Since I have been received well by all the people in the Cincinnati chapter, I have no reason to believe the other new people will be any different. 

When we go around the table for any new news, I can even come up with my own. I can tell the experience of mine with the television reporter who supposedly wanted to interview me concerning LGBTQ elder care when in fact he kept steering the interview towards my feelings about the election. I will try to explain to the group why I turned him down and with it, a chance to publicize the work of the Alzheimer's diversity council. 

Overall, I hope I can catch a break with the heavy rain which is forecast and enjoy my lunch. Sometimes I struggle being social around strangers, so we will see.

In the meantime, you do not need to be in Cincinnati to volunteer your time to a local or regional Alzheimer's chapter.  If I am any kind of an example, you will be welcomed with open arms. Also, in my case, I am trying to pay forward the assistance my family received when my dad passed years ago from the very ugly disease.

If anything happens good or bad at the luncheon, I will write about it later. 

Hitting the Transgender Wall

 

Image from Selin 
on UnSplash

There were so many times during my journey to finding my authentic self that I hit a wall or two or more. 

The easy walls came when I was younger and was trying to find makeup and wardrobe items to admire myself in the mirror. During that time and into the future, finances were a major set back. As much as I admired the pretty clothes the girls around me were wearing, I just did not have the money to afford any of them. There was no way I could go to my parents and ask for a pretty dress for my birthday or Christmas. Plus, I was stuck at a major point of my overall femininized image when it came to my hair. In those days, I was stuck with very short hair cuts such as burr or crew cuts and there was no way I could afford a wig. A major wall, to be sure as I think having the first wig I cherished did not come around until my college years in the late 1960's till the early 1970's when my military days took over. Of course I was against the wall again when my hair needed to be kept very short.

After I had served my time in the Army, I was able to secure the finances to afford a more update feminine wardrobe and my walls began to take on a more mental aspect with me. The more I was able to sneak out of the house and into the public, the more I knew I had little or no knowledge of where I wanted to go as a novice transgender woman. It seemed everything was being thrown at me at once and my mental health crumbled after I was hitting many walls at once. My male life was becoming more and more demanding as I became successful at my job and I discovered the more I explored the female world, the more I liked it. 

Even so, climbing the feminine walls were difficult. It seemed everytime I mastered one aspect of being a transgender woman such as walking, I would catch my heel in the crack of a sidewalk and ruin my whole day. As I continued along my bumpy gender path, I found mishaps with walking in heels were indeed minor in the scope of my transgender life. On the horizon loomed much more serious walls such as communication with the public and with women in particular. Overwhelmingly, men ignored me and women were curious about what I was doing in their world, I discovered quite quickly I was interacting with more women than I had ever done as a guy which was scary in many ways, including what would I say and how would I say it. 

I wondered what had I done when I was forced to actually talk the talk of the person I had become. I resorted to what had worked for me in the past as I had encountered tough trans walls to climb. I basically tried to shut my mouth and observe what was going around me. It worked to an extent until people (women) began to warm up to the new person I had become. I even was giving other women advice on how to understand their boyfriends or spouses. 

Anyway you cut it, I guess for me, gender affirming hormones created the last major wall for me to climb. At the time, I was doing my best to appear as a woman and communicate as one to the world. Beginning the hormones in many ways was a selfish move because I did it for myself. When I did, instead of more walls crashing down, they melted. HRT, when I was approved for it was a magic potent stimulant my body had been craving for years. Very quickly, I knew I had made the right move as I was able to tear the final walls down and make my way into fulltime transgender womanhood. 

Surely, I was bruised and battered by hitting all the transgender walls I needed to scale to live the life I wanted but I made it. When I look back on all the terrifying yet exciting steps I took to get to where I am mow, I wonder how I made it. First there was my appearance and battling testosterone poisoning then overcoming the problems of male behavior which also effected my life that all made for a rough journey. Surely there were too many walls to count.   

Just be Yourself

 

Image from Cory
on UnSplash

When you are a transgender woman or trans man, finding yourself can be a daunting task. 

Are you a boy or a girl is bad enough when you have to think about it but is even worse when you need to live your gender desires. Just being yourself becomes extra difficult when you are applying it to real life when you leave the mirror and take on the world. We all know that sometimes the world can be a very unforgiving place. Human beings are sharks and will sniff out the slightest hint of blood in the water. A bad place to be in when you are a novice transgender woman or cross dresser who is trying to make it as your authentic self and you are very insecure. 

At this point, many trans folk resort to fairly drastic measures to attempt to present well as the gender they are attempting to be. Fashion mistakes are made, just to name a few potential problems faced. It is difficult with no previous training or input from peers to catch up with the world and not appear as a clown. I do not want to remember how many thrift store items I returned because they did not fit me or flatter my male body style. For the longest time, I did not think I was ever going to find appropriate clothes I could be myself in. Not to mention the hair and makeup I was struggling with. Somehow I managed to fight through my inner gender biases and come up with fashion choices which the public could life with. When I did, I started to explore different venues such as community festivals and outdoor concerts to see if I could be myself.

Even though I was successful, I still fought internally my desire to be feminine. It took me decades to understand I was a woman cross dressing as a man and not the opposite which caused me such inner turmoil. 

Another problem I had when I was transitioning genders was staying in the present. When I was out and about as a novice femininized person, I was so busy being worried about every little thing, I could not enjoy being me. It took me years to actually accept the gender euphoria I felt when I had succeeded in presenting as an attractive woman in public. To battle my instincts, I did events which were more lengthy so I needed to live in the present longer. An example was the Joe Cocker outdoor concert I took myself to, just to see if I could and the NFL Monday night football game a lesbian friend took me to. There were no easy escapes to these events so I had to put my fear aside and try to be myself.

I am not a quick learner and my male self battled me for control of my life for a half a century before I finally gave in to my gender truth. When I did, my inner woman took charge for good and I was finally able to be myself. I could live in the present and not wait for the next time I could run and put on my feminine clothes and feel good about myself. I was wearing the clothes all the time and if or when I felt my old gender dysphoria creep in, I could solve the issue before it became too major.

It is easy to say all of us deserve the chance to be ourselves but it is extra important for a transgender person. Because, first we need to discover who our true inner person really is. Once you do, just being yourself is a much reachable goal to have.

Smiles Equal Confidence

 

Go Ahead and Smile from the
Jessie Hart Archives. 

Where ever I go in public, I try to lead with a smile to ultimately disarm any potential transphobic individuals. 

I have to remember also I look better when I soften my face which still has a tendency to go back to my old male scowl if I am not careful. A male scowl in my world always comes off as a bitchy look which I normally am never feeling. 

The whole process goes all the way back to the days when I was cross dressing my way to the front of the mirror. Since all the ups and downs which followed, I needed to learn to put my feminine image in motion if I was to succeed in following my transgender dreams. Since recently I have been getting out into the public's eye more and more again, I have needed to reinforce wearing a smile to boost my confidence as a senior trans woman. This morning was no different when I went with my wife Liz to her eye doctor visit. 

After I applied a light amount of makeup to go with my casual outfit, I thought for once I looked presentable for the world. I even tripped off my gender euphoria for a brief second. My euphoria lasted until I went through the door into the doctor's waiting room. For the briefest of time the two receptionists just stared at me and finally said how could they help me. Not the friendliest of greetings and I became worried about my presentation. Since I had quite a while to ponder the situation, I came up with the problem and it was all me.

I had forgotten the most important part of my presentation which is my smile. For the greatest majority of the public I face, a smile disarms them and allows me to communicate with them on a one on one basis. Plus when I am smiling, I am showing the confidence I need to enable the people in my world to be more friendly also. Most importantly, a smile is my best accessory when I use it properly. Not using it at all takes me back to the day when I was shopping for clothes and suddenly nearly ran into a girl child who was darting between the clothing racks. When she stopped and saw me, she exclaimed to her Mother "Look at the BIG woman." I had long enough to consider the kid at least called me a woman. Then she ruined the feeling by calling me a "BIG Mean woman." From then on I resolved to try to put a nicer look on my face and not scare the public with my bitchy look. 

After living a long unwanted life trying to exist in a male world, some habits are still hard to erase. Putting a smile on my face shouldn't be such a big deal but it is. So big, the whole process is as big as makeup, fashion and hair. Putting the whole image into motion is what counts for me to be truly successful as a full time transgender woman.