Hitting the Transgender Wall

 

Image from Selin 
on UnSplash

There were so many times during my journey to finding my authentic self that I hit a wall or two or more. 

The easy walls came when I was younger and was trying to find makeup and wardrobe items to admire myself in the mirror. During that time and into the future, finances were a major set back. As much as I admired the pretty clothes the girls around me were wearing, I just did not have the money to afford any of them. There was no way I could go to my parents and ask for a pretty dress for my birthday or Christmas. Plus, I was stuck at a major point of my overall femininized image when it came to my hair. In those days, I was stuck with very short hair cuts such as burr or crew cuts and there was no way I could afford a wig. A major wall, to be sure as I think having the first wig I cherished did not come around until my college years in the late 1960's till the early 1970's when my military days took over. Of course I was against the wall again when my hair needed to be kept very short.

After I had served my time in the Army, I was able to secure the finances to afford a more update feminine wardrobe and my walls began to take on a more mental aspect with me. The more I was able to sneak out of the house and into the public, the more I knew I had little or no knowledge of where I wanted to go as a novice transgender woman. It seemed everything was being thrown at me at once and my mental health crumbled after I was hitting many walls at once. My male life was becoming more and more demanding as I became successful at my job and I discovered the more I explored the female world, the more I liked it. 

Even so, climbing the feminine walls were difficult. It seemed everytime I mastered one aspect of being a transgender woman such as walking, I would catch my heel in the crack of a sidewalk and ruin my whole day. As I continued along my bumpy gender path, I found mishaps with walking in heels were indeed minor in the scope of my transgender life. On the horizon loomed much more serious walls such as communication with the public and with women in particular. Overwhelmingly, men ignored me and women were curious about what I was doing in their world, I discovered quite quickly I was interacting with more women than I had ever done as a guy which was scary in many ways, including what would I say and how would I say it. 

I wondered what had I done when I was forced to actually talk the talk of the person I had become. I resorted to what had worked for me in the past as I had encountered tough trans walls to climb. I basically tried to shut my mouth and observe what was going around me. It worked to an extent until people (women) began to warm up to the new person I had become. I even was giving other women advice on how to understand their boyfriends or spouses. 

Anyway you cut it, I guess for me, gender affirming hormones created the last major wall for me to climb. At the time, I was doing my best to appear as a woman and communicate as one to the world. Beginning the hormones in many ways was a selfish move because I did it for myself. When I did, instead of more walls crashing down, they melted. HRT, when I was approved for it was a magic potent stimulant my body had been craving for years. Very quickly, I knew I had made the right move as I was able to tear the final walls down and make my way into fulltime transgender womanhood. 

Surely, I was bruised and battered by hitting all the transgender walls I needed to scale to live the life I wanted but I made it. When I look back on all the terrifying yet exciting steps I took to get to where I am mow, I wonder how I made it. First there was my appearance and battling testosterone poisoning then overcoming the problems of male behavior which also effected my life that all made for a rough journey. Surely there were too many walls to count.   

From Egg to a Beautiful Chick?

 Recently I wrote a post roughly equating our transgender gender struggles with breaking out of an egg. Connie took the post another direction:

" All too often, after breaking out of a misplaced egg, one can see her/him-self as an ugly duckling. It takes more effort to learn how to be different from others, yet still fit in. After all, as difficult as it may be to break out of the egg, leaving the nest can be more daunting - especially when others see you as not conforming. Learning that you are destined to become a beautiful swan among ducks comes with the confidence that you can still swim in the same pond - even if you can't quite quack like a duck. I'm sure there are still those who would define themselves as cross dresser

 Increasingly, though, there are those who are referring to themselves as bi-gender. That is, when they present as female they feel to be female beyond what the clothing may indicate; but they enjoy living as their male-assigned gender the rest of the time. I tried that for many years until I admitted to myself that I did not enjoy living a male existence (despite the privilege that went with it). I realize that this does not make me "transer" than anyone else, and I can only allow each individual to self-identify, just as I expect them to allow me to do so. 

I was once told that I couldn't transition properly because I have to wear a wig to cover my male-pattern bald head, and can't undergo HRT or surgeries due to a medical condition. The exact wording this person used was, "You'll never be any more than a professional cross dresser." Thank goodness I know that only I can crack my own egg, and nobody else will shatter it. To that person, I can only say, "The yolk's on you!" :-)"

Great references! Thanks my swan friend!

Paula also added a comment about the growing pains of coming out of a transgender shell:

"I think we all made some howlers, but then I was making my teenage mistakes in my 50s when they're harder to hide.

If the term "cross dresser" goes the same way as Transvestite, how will I be able to update my joke ~ "What's the difference between a cross dresser and a transsexual? ~ About five years"

No Paula, I think your joke can stay the same :)

Mixed Emotions

Thanks to the wonderful people at Facebook, recently they pulled up this ancient picture of me in the summer of 2014.

I like the picture on a few levels and on the other hand don't like.

In many ways I consider this a transition photo. I was moving away from being a blond and closer to wearing my own hair.

What you may not see in the picture is the torment I suffered from the wig's hairline. It's one of the few wigs I ever owned I even took a pair of scissors to. It's a wig though which brings back fond memories.

I wore it to my first "girl's night out" when I was invited by a group of young women I had met at one of the venues I frequented many times. Even though I was scared to go, I also was excited to tag along also. I put together one of my black outfits with a tank top and a long black skirt with a slit up the side. It turned out not to matter much as the younger more attractive women received most of the attention anyhow.

I had more luck when I wore the same outfit (and wig) to a big gay venue one night to meet a couple of friends. One was a trans man and the other a lesbian. I ended up having a fun evening and asking them to accompany me to my car when I was leaving. I had learned the hard way not to walk around the venue by myself.

Now, back to the picture. What I do like is my expression. I feel as if it gave me an impression of strength. The breasts of course were not natural. They were mine only in a sense they were given to me as a gift years earlier from a cross dresser who was purging his storage shed. Plus the way I was sitting only gives a slight indication of how over weight I was at the time.

I am sure you have to be transgender to put so much effort into breaking down an old picture.

Loose Ends

Today I have several loose ends to take care of here in Cyrsti's Condo.

First of all, Mandy (who is a fellow train buff) asked about the picture I posted of Liz and I on the Royal Gorge train in Colorado. It by far was my favorite of the trips we took. The road bed was better and the rail coach was more comfortable. Also, more importantly, the view of the river which ran next to us was gorgeous.

My next favorite was the  Durango and Silverton narrow gauge trip, also in Colorado. I enjoyed the fact the trip was pulled by a real steam engine. Also I enjoyed both Durango and Silverton. Silverton was especially authentic to me.

Finally, we also rode the Georgetown Loop narrow gauge railway. It was fine but still my third favorite to me. So there you go Mandy, my humble opinion on the rails we road.

As you can see in the picture, it was definitely windy on several of the trips, so bring a brush for your hair (or wig).

Speaking of pictures, Connie sent in a festive new holiday picture to share!

Looking good!

Lost in Transition

I don't know if you have had a chance to watch (or even like) the transgender based TLC reality show which follows several married couples as the spouse comes out as trans.

The show does have it weaknesses of course but overall does a good job at covering many of the gut wrenching situations we as transgender women go through. Examples include the torment one of the couples goes through as the trans spouse is loudly mis-gendered and mocked in a Seattle nail salon all the way to the joy experienced by another of the spouses the first time she sees herself in a new "sewn on" permanent wig.

Other situations include one person coming out to her wife's neighborhood "girl's night out group", all the way to another of the novice transgender women's reaction to going to a "transition" makeover expert in Los Angeles.  If I had to guess ahead of time, I think this person will be the one out of the group to back out because her wife does not approve and she is doing the transition trip all wrong. I have written it here in Cyrsti's Condo before, a MtF gender transition is tough and may not be for everyone. You may want to experience living a feminine lifestyle a little (or a lot) before you sell your life up the creek to live it.

To give Connie (who lives in Seattle) equal time, there also is a family from Ohio on the show but so far, not much as been shown of her going out in public and living as a new person. On the negative side the person describes in tears her experience of going through a religious conversion therapy session with a priest.

All in all, I continue to find the show interesting enough to watch on a continuing basis. So far it has kept my interest by weaving many of the complex threads we face as transgender women in it.

We will see how it goes in the future.

I provide links to it, if you would like to stream some episodes. Lost in Transition.

Do Blondes Have More Fun?

Paula and Mandy both commented on the Cyrsti's Condo post Historical Blond (hysterical?):

Paula GoodwinDecember 22, 2014 at 4:22 AM

1. The Blond Bombshell is still an aspiration for some of us! As my natural colour became lighter (grey) I found that using a wig of my original colour (Dark Brown) no longer looked natural as my skin tones had changed as well. However the grey did age me so I have just gone blond, being the wrong side of 50 I was a little worried what people would think when I was pretending to be a bloke, but so far no negative comments.
2. Mandy ShermanDecember 22, 2014 at 6:51 AM
3. Lucky you! Blonde would be nice....
   
   Every time my hair gets lighter, I get comments from my wife, which lead me to darken it up. She definitely rebelled at the highlights I tried...and it took several months for them to completely disappear!
   
   So I just stick with as close to my natural color (back in the day, since I'm gray now) as I can get.
4. Thanks ladies!  Looking back, I can see when I tried to go very blond was a mistake (I looked like a bloke, Paula) but going with a honey blond shade, I began to come and go in society.  My wife however, disliked any shade of blond on me- which (looking back) I think had more to do with her prejudice against other genetics than me. Also Paula, I'm a firm believer in NOT following the hair length rules and color shades on women of age.  Do your thing, own it and society will too-unless you are squeezed into a mini skirt and 4" heels in the mall. 
5. Mandy, sounds like you may be going through what I went through.  I am lucky Liz wants to play with my hair as much as I want to experiment with it.  The whole process is fun because it fits my shortened attention span! 

Three Years of Work

I really liked this video and decided to pass it along on Cyrsti's Condo big screen. I was fond of it for a number of reasons:
1.-In her own words "Elladonna" does not consider her look to be "drag" but rather cross dressing. 2.-It looks as if she starts her makeup with a wig on for the video and 3.- her skill with the liquid black eyeliner! To age myself,  I had such a hard time getting it on and off before my parents came home- 190 years later- I'm still scared of it! 4.- Finally, unless I missing some reference to HRT...she does one hell of a job with her hip padding! Oh and she has been working on her look for 3 three years.  Take a look:

Long Hair and the Trans Girl

As recently as my last post here in Cyrsti's Condo, I am never shy about mentioning my hair.  I am a believer in nature giving and taking away. In my case, nature was in a giving mood with my big bones and torso but just happened to slip in potentially wild big hair. The take away though is the idea of older women not looking stylish in longer hair. Among other things it's called the 16/60 and is used to describe a woman who looks 16 from behind and 60 from in front.  Yikes!!!! I don't look a day over 59!

As luck would have it though, as in everything there are exceptions to every rule. In my case I read the exception in the Fabulous after 40 site:


"If you have thick hair with a natural looking color, and you are not too thin in the face, then you can wear your hair pretty long. How long? The best hairstyles for long hair over 40 are ones that fall no further than mid-back, or your hair will look unkempt. (but I think this is true no matter what your age.) The reason I think you need a little fullness to your face to pull off this look successfully is because long hair will draw the eye down, making your face look longer and thinner.

Although you might think that looking thinner is more desirable, as we age it really isn’t. A long and thin aging face will just look tired and haggard, and length will also draw attention to fine lines and wrinkles. My advice to women over 40 with long hair and a thin face is to a) switch to short hair or b) try a shoulder length style with layers and softness around your face. These two styles will be much more flattering. And remember, showing a little bit of your ear will draw the eye up, lifting everything up and showing off great cheekbones. It’s kind of like having a face lift."

It turns out, I can say yes to all three plus it would break my heart to say "no" after all these years. I guess karma cut me a break for sentencing me to the wait for my own hair. (Have to blame someone)

Plus certainly this information is also good for flattering wig styles we all can wear.

If we all do this right, we can look as good as Courtney Cox in the example picture above!

Blondes and Fun?

We got mail!
 From Stephanie: "I only have Dial-up internet so watching a video is out of the question. But.....if you have doubts that blonds don't have more fun, you being brunette, put on a bright blond wig, some bright red lipstick, and take a drive down the road. There will men hanging out of their trucks to wave at you! ....(someone who's been both blond and brunette!) on Blondes Do Have More Fun!"

Stephanie, I too have been blond and brunette and red! I agree with what you wrote but would like to add my two cents.
I have always thought that blonds do get more attention but how that translates to fun depends on the individuals! Ha!
One of my "best and worst" of all blond worlds is similar to yours. I had a streaked summer blond wig which I ended up naming "suicide blond".
The best of time was driving the interstate in my denim mini with mirror sunglasses distracting guys everywhere. The worst of time was when I stopped anywhere and continually getting busted as a guy. As one of my women bartender friends so "kindly" put it-"aren't you a little over the top?" Very simply I was attracting too much attention. Presenting female was sooo much tougher of course with all the extra scrutiny.

I don't know if there is a scientific reason why blonds naturally do get more attention or if the whole deal is PR motivated. Just a few examples would be classic blond movie stars Jean Harlow or Marilyn Monroe.  Of course there are beautiful women of all hair colors but somehow a blond just seems to stand out more.

Years ago, I did have a "kinder and gentler" long blond wig which I dearly loved and was able to negotiate the public gauntlet quite well in. Now though, my own hair is colored almost as dark as the picture at the top of the blog and is very close to my natural color (without the gray). I prefer to think "dark and mysterious".
My friends though are quite fond of asking me if I'm a natural blond when I go off on some sort of a totally "ditz" binge.

I smile and tell them to lay off the stereotypes...and go back to my own little off the wall padded world!

Cross Dressing Rocket Man

Over the past several months I have featured pictures and more here in Cyrsti's Condo from a Japanese site called Rocket News24. 

Recently they ran a long and detailed post called "16 Things I Learned from Dressing in Drag". Confessions of a one night crossdresser.

The post in itself just tells most of us transgender or even genetic women what we already know such as lesson #10:

 It’s more than just the clothes You might think that getting feminine airs is as easy as putting on a dress and a wig, but it turns out there’s a lot more to it. Even something as simple as the word “I” is different from males to females in Japanese, so I had to constantly think about how to refer to myself. Or sometimes, I would sit down in what I thought was a ladylike way, only to find my knees popping open. Or my walk would get very bowlegged if I wasn’t paying attention. There’s just so much to think about! Femininity is hard.

Or the final lesson #16:

Dressing as a woman was unexpectedly intoxicating, but I couldn’t stay like that forever. Going back to my usual self was kind of sad, though. I took off the makeup, removed the wig, traded my dress for my usual men’s clothes, and thought, “Well, that’s that.” It was rather dreary to look in the mirror and find the usual boring face reflected back at me. I almost wanted to cry. So if on the street one night you should happen to meet a man in drag, so long as he isn’t doing anything bad, please just let him be.

If you haven't been to the Rocket News 24 site it's worth the time to check it out!

Looking Back and Forward

Following the weekend's intense activity, I finally have had an opportunity to reflect on life as I know it now.
Recapping just a bit, Saturday's burial of my outward male and emergence of my female self was intense to say the least. Sunday I sort of curled into a ball, Monday I worked diligently on all the projects I do and last night I went out for a drink to the place where much of my public coming out process happened.
I'm going to stop and quote a loving and giving quote from my Mom now: " Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes". As "non frilly" as that quote may seem-it's true.

Last night, I thought back on all the times I went to this very busy upscale sports bar in various "experimental" outfits and wigs. I've told whomever will listen (and some who won't) I was very much a trial and error transition person. (mostly error) I was fairly certain this feminine direction I was heading was the correct one but I had to find out for sure. One of the those moments occurred where I was last night. Years ago I was sitting there and this incredibly warm sense of well being came over me.  No, it wasn't the beer and I didn't have to run out and buy a store bought vagina- I just knew I found my true self.

At any rate, the last five years have been one hell of a trip. I went back to the dusty archives to pass along an ancient post from Cyrsti's Condo, called Weekend Update.  I was interested to see how completely I was into the psychical aspect of the moment...shaving legs, clothes etc. I won't pretend to say I'm not into the psychical aspect of being a woman now but it ceases to be the all encompassing factor. I guess it's important to me to look as good as I can but it's not the defining factor of my femininity. Again, I have been so lucky to have learned from a close group of genetic female friends currently and in the past on what a woman is and isn't.

As I look forward to the time I have left on this world, I'm incredibly excited what is around the next corner for me on this journey.  I'm never so sure what dose of positive karma brought me to this point. I compare my life as a human and a transgender person to an old school pin ball machine. Don't we all play this game?   Five silver balls and we are done- game over-see ya!  As hard as we try, we try to aim the silver balls and hope for big points. Skill is one thing though but what about luck and destiny? If you know those answers-please can I talk to you!!!!!

So looking forward, I'm hoping to have at least one or two balls left to play...and have as much fun as karma will let me!

Was it Halloween or...

Or a fun night with friends in a neighborhood tavern in Cincinnati?
Actually both as I ended up with four genetic beer drinking jello shot slugging women. Times were rough? Not so much! As you can see in the pictures, I wasn't drinking. Haha.
I would estimate only about a third of the customers were in costume. I told the girls before we got there I was a little apprehensive of walking into a red neck bar, being the only ones in costume and being "underdressed" in huge red hair and boots.

Well, I was right about the no other costumes to begin with. Just one other person- but it was early and the tavern was neighborhood not redneck and none of us got much attention.
Most of the patrons were engrossed in a high school playoff football game on the televisions between two Cincinnati teams-forget Alabama/LSU.

As the night wore on, the bottom picture shows what happened when all of the sudden I experienced wig slippage.  (Haven't worn it much!) .Interestingly enough though,  a newcomer to the table at the same time asked me if the hair was mine. A couple of the other women assured her it was- until I had to adjust it!

Overall, it was one of those evenings that makes you wish Halloween lasted just a little bit longer!

Cyrsti's Condo Packing 101

Similar to so many other "jender jumping" issues, packing for a trip is yet another!
The days of tossing jeans, t shirts, socks and undies into a suitcase are gone. Not only did I have to plan for all the female accessories I would need, I had to plan for four to five days worth.
Of course the makeup was the easy part and my new "natural" hair style helped me not agonize over a wig. The hard part was planning outfits.
I was fortunate in that the entire trip was female casual too so I could mix and match sweaters, tops and jeans.  I think I would have only needed an extra top or so to have done better. The whole trip was an ideal starter venture for me but not without quite a bit of angst.
Finally, I shook off my considerable indecision on clothing choices and just started packing....everything. This  was huge! The whole process reminded me of how full circle I have been able to come since the cross dresser meetings I attended years and years ago. As it turned out, the feelings were just the beginning of how weepy I would feel later in the trip.
I know you are dying to know what I forgot!  It turned out to be just a minor article-my jacket. Really? Yes I did but I was lucky.
My drive to meet my friend for the trip was nearly an hour and a half away and for one of the very few times in my life I was running ahead of schedule. On the way, I had time to stop and shop at a deep discount store for some sort of jacket.
Amazingly enough I found a very nice sweater jacket at a very nice price AND it was the only one they had AND it was my size. The last time that happened was when all the planets aligned with some sort of esclipse of the sun.
So, as with most other life experiences, Packing 101 wasn't as easy or as hard as I thought it would be!