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| Image from Beth Macdonald on UnSplash. |
For many cross dressers or transgender women, our gender pursuits are very lonely. If you are of a certain age, you remember lonely with a capital “L”.
You remember the pre-internet and social media days when any
information on being a transvestite or transsexual was very difficult to come
by. This is where I always mention Virginia Prince and her Transvestia
publication and how it brought a sliver of light and hope into my dark
closet. Virginia was all I had; there was no one else to call. My gender
workbook was blank.
From the pages of Tranvestia, I learned of the nearby
mixers I could attend and for the first time in my life meet likeminded
individuals. I was naïve and thought I could meet others I could call and or
meet on a regular basis. Instead, I met many people I did not understand and
did not want to socialize with. Either I was too much of a woman for them, or
not enough it seemed. I was caught in sort of a “Goldilocks” zone with a blond
wig and still no friends to socialize with. I selfishly wanted someone just like me on the
gender spectrum.
Slowly, all of that began to change when I started to attend
diverse gender mixers in nearby Columbus, Ohio. I started to come out of my
shell a bit and began to meet others who I enjoyed their company which was a
great start to finding my way out of the “who ya going to call syndrome”. From
parties I was invited to, I actually had people I could call and be invited to
come along to excursions such as the Andy Warhol main exhibit at The Ohio State
University followed by a visit to a well-known Columbus gay venue I had never
been to. I had a great time.
Of course, when I did begin to get out more in the world
with or without my new transgender friends, I wanted more. Which left me in a
really bad spot with my second wife and my male self who were increasingly
putting up resistance to every move I was making. In my own mind, for the first
time in my life, I was making progress towards learning if a transgender future
was possible. Every step I took was resisted as the other two wanted nothing to
do with my progress.
As I continued with building my own confidence as a
transfeminine person, my circle of friends began to increase also. I was coming
full circle into my own as I was the one setting up our social events and I
even quit going to any other mixer in Columbus. Saving my time and money for
the monthly lesbian mixers I so enjoyed in Dayton, Ohio. The only problems I
still had were coming from my second wife who I loved very much and my male self
who kept whispering in my ear was I doing the right thing by just giving all my
male privilege away. I did my best to stay in the middle of the gender road
while not getting hit by oncoming traffic.
Ironically, I had built such a good wall between my gender
selves with my friends, I could not talk to them either. A prime example came
when I tried to explain my first hot flash to a good lesbian friend of mine and
all she said was welcome to her world. Lesson learned. From then on, I let her
take the lead when the conversations became very personal because I knew she
had a lot going on in her life, and at least I could be a good sounding board
or listener.
I adjusted from moving from the very few male friends I had
who had passed away to a very few new women friends who helped me to escape the
severe loneliness I was feeling when my wife passed away. In ways they never
knew, I was calling a friend and having the best of both worlds. I had reached
my own “Goldilocks” zone as my friends were easing my solitude while at the
same time, teaching me what it meant to be a woman. Primarily a woman who did
not need the validation of a man to feel good about herself. Which was a direct
conflict from the old ways of going through genital realignment surgery and
then disappearing just to resurface in a new life with a man.
What was left of my sexuality after HRT remained with my
lifelong admiration of women, so I did not have to change, which was a welcome
discovery. Now, I am so fortunate to live with and have married the only person
I need when I am feeling down or even gender dysphoric. I can talk it out with
my wife Liz, and she is like I have my own in-house therapist. My problem is opening
up after all these decades of closing myself off to the world. I was very good at
the job.
