The Winds of Gender Change

 

Image from Taylor Flowe
on UnSplash. 

Per normal, we have had a very windy spring here in southwestern Ohio USA. For some reason, I have never associated spring with my gender changes like I have during the fall season. I remember vividly the fall evenings I spent driving around feeling melancholy about the fact that I was stuck in my old unwanted male life. Seemingly, forever. Maybe it was because of the trees losing their leaves which set the fall off from the spring. I just knew it was happening.

Fall was especially bad when I was on a six-month delay to go to the Army basic training at FT. Knox, Kentucky. It marked the time for me that I knew I would have three years away from my gender cross-dressing activities which kept me sane at the time. I was afraid of going to basic infantry training as well as losing my ties to my feminine self for the next three years. The only reality to me was that I had no choice but let the winds of change take me away to a new uncertain future.

When I was in the service, my theme song began to be “Call Me the Breeze” by Lynard Skynyrd because of all the moving I was doing from the US to Thailand, to Germany, I was truly able to feel the wind thanks to the efforts of Uncle Sam and his military. I did it so well that I was even offered a promotion if I stayed in an extra year, which I turned down. Instead, I got out and resumed my civilian life at a small radio station I worked at before the winds of gender change got the best of me, and I started to follow my instincts and began to explore the world as a transgender woman. Which was becoming increasingly evident to me was where I fit in in the gender spectrum.

In the beginning, all I had was Halloween parties to express my femininity and even there, I was not doing a good job of doing it. I was stuck trying to do a trashy look when in fact, my inner woman was pushing for a more realistic approach such as being a professional ciswoman. What did happen was, I got the basics of what it would take if I ever threw caution to the wind and went across the gender border from male to female. It was at those parties that I found that all of a sudden, the other women wanted to talk to me while the men left me alone which would be a theme for my life as I transitioned.

Once I left all the Halloween parties behind me, I started to attend small diverse LGBTQ mixers in nearby Columbus, Ohio. When I did, it was as if there was one of those huge Hollywood movie fans at my back pushing me forward. From lesbians to transsexuals, all were there so I could judge where I would be if I moved forward in the world. Due to the fact that I was still solidly married and had a very good job, I needed to shut the fan off, or at least put it on a slow speed so I could catch my breath and figure it all out because of the gender complexity it all presented. Did I want to give up my life of male privilege to be a trans woman, at that point in time I was undecided.

It turned out, indecision was my worst enemy as I entered the world to explore it as a transfeminine person. Most of my ventures were ill-advised attempts to be accepted in gay venues in Dayton, Ohio where I was barely welcomed and when I was, it was because they thought I was another drag queen. Which was far from the truth. It was not until the winds of change blew me through the doors of the same sports venues I enjoyed as a man did my world began to turn around for the best. To my amazement, I earned my acceptance in those places easier than the gay bars I was going to, or the lesbian bars which were closing due to lack of business. Before I knew it, I was treated like a regular. Even with the restroom privileges I needed so badly.

I was flying high until the winds of change dictated a change and I crashed to earth when everyone dear to me began to pass away in a two year period. Including my wife of twenty-five years. I was in shock and so lonely I drank too much and took unnecessary chances with my life as the winds of change continued to blow strongly. Every time I thought the winds were receding, they would pick up again threatening to blow me off my high heeled shoes.

I was fortunate when I saw the name of a doctor who would check me out and then prescribe HRT or gender affirming hormones and I took immediate advantage to do something I had wanted to do for a very long time. Sync up my inner person with an exterior which was feminized. Even with the minimum dosage I had to begin with, I could feel and immediate change in several areas such as with my emotions and breast growth. When I began to see myself as a different femininized person in the morning mirror, I was becoming more and more excited over the winds of change which were pushing me ahead into a new exciting world.  

The only part of my being who was not surprised by all the changes was my feminine self who had been hidden away all those years with no way to express herself as when she was in the Army. If patience is a virtue; she had it all as my male self-put on a tremendous fight to maintain what he had earned as far as privileges went. Fortunately, the winds were blowing in the right direction, and she won the ultimate battle for my life. I discovered that without her, I would not have had a life worth living.

 

 

Who "Ya" Going to Call?

 

Image from Beth Macdonald on UnSplash. 

For many cross dressers or transgender women, our gender pursuits are very lonely. If you are of a certain age, you remember lonely with a capital “L”.

You remember the pre-internet and social media days when any information on being a transvestite or transsexual was very difficult to come by. This is where I always mention Virginia Prince and her Transvestia publication and how it brought a sliver of light and hope into my dark closet. Virginia was all I had; there was no one else to call. My gender workbook was blank.

From the pages of Tranvestia, I learned of the nearby mixers I could attend and for the first time in my life meet likeminded individuals. I was naïve and thought I could meet others I could call and or meet on a regular basis. Instead, I met many people I did not understand and did not want to socialize with. Either I was too much of a woman for them, or not enough it seemed. I was caught in sort of a “Goldilocks” zone with a blond wig and still no friends to socialize with.  I selfishly wanted someone just like me on the gender spectrum.

Slowly, all of that began to change when I started to attend diverse gender mixers in nearby Columbus, Ohio. I started to come out of my shell a bit and began to meet others who I enjoyed their company which was a great start to finding my way out of the “who ya going to call syndrome”. From parties I was invited to, I actually had people I could call and be invited to come along to excursions such as the Andy Warhol main exhibit at The Ohio State University followed by a visit to a well-known Columbus gay venue I had never been to. I had a great time.

Of course, when I did begin to get out more in the world with or without my new transgender friends, I wanted more. Which left me in a really bad spot with my second wife and my male self who were increasingly putting up resistance to every move I was making. In my own mind, for the first time in my life, I was making progress towards learning if a transgender future was possible. Every step I took was resisted as the other two wanted nothing to do with my progress.

As I continued with building my own confidence as a transfeminine person, my circle of friends began to increase also. I was coming full circle into my own as I was the one setting up our social events and I even quit going to any other mixer in Columbus. Saving my time and money for the monthly lesbian mixers I so enjoyed in Dayton, Ohio. The only problems I still had were coming from my second wife who I loved very much and my male self who kept whispering in my ear was I doing the right thing by just giving all my male privilege away. I did my best to stay in the middle of the gender road while not getting hit by oncoming traffic.

Ironically, I had built such a good wall between my gender selves with my friends, I could not talk to them either. A prime example came when I tried to explain my first hot flash to a good lesbian friend of mine and all she said was welcome to her world. Lesson learned. From then on, I let her take the lead when the conversations became very personal because I knew she had a lot going on in her life, and at least I could be a good sounding board or listener.

I adjusted from moving from the very few male friends I had who had passed away to a very few new women friends who helped me to escape the severe loneliness I was feeling when my wife passed away. In ways they never knew, I was calling a friend and having the best of both worlds. I had reached my own “Goldilocks” zone as my friends were easing my solitude while at the same time, teaching me what it meant to be a woman. Primarily a woman who did not need the validation of a man to feel good about herself. Which was a direct conflict from the old ways of going through genital realignment surgery and then disappearing just to resurface in a new life with a man.

What was left of my sexuality after HRT remained with my lifelong admiration of women, so I did not have to change, which was a welcome discovery. Now, I am so fortunate to live with and have married the only person I need when I am feeling down or even gender dysphoric. I can talk it out with my wife Liz, and she is like I have my own in-house therapist. My problem is opening up after all these decades of closing myself off to the world. I was very good at the job.