No Learning Experience is a Waste of Time

 

Image from Christian Lue
on UnSplash.

Now that Halloween has come and gone, I am sure that some of you took advantage of the freedom of the season to express your feminine side. Maybe to the public for the first time. 

For you first timers, congratulations on taking the first tentative steps out of your gender closet. For the rest of you, you ended up like me and gained Halloween experiences as a trans woman you will never forget. I vividly remember the night that three friends and I attended a midnight showing of the “Phantom of the Opera” on Halloween one year in the newly restored “Ohio Theatre” in Columbus, Ohio. I was proud of my “costume” which was a mini dress, blond wig, shaved legs and high heels to set it all off. I was prepared to pay the price for fashion with my heels until I had to walk a distance to the theatre from the closest parking spot we could find. As I tried to daintily find my way down the sidewalk, it was not long until my feet were protesting and I was looking for a place to sit down. That was not happening and I just had to ignore the pain and chalk it up to another experience.

When I began to break away from just going out into the public eye and testing myself as a novice cross dresser or trans woman, I needed to get ready for many more experiences, some good, some bad. From both, I tried to keep in mind how difficult it was going to be to attempt to cross the gender border and live out my dream and I tried to always learn from the experiences I was going through. Since I had very few to none natural feminine characteristics to start from, I knew my journey to possible success as a transfeminine person would be a long one and hopefully soon, all the tears from the rejection I was feeling would soon be forgotten. Sadly, that was not the case and some of my early dealings with the world have left many serious memories with me. Until I got to the point of dealing with them as just another experience I would have to go through to get to my goal. 

I was there, mainly because I was always on the outside, looking in when it came to being around the ciswomen in my world. Because I was excluded from the exclusive girls’ club, I could never see all of the complex dealings in the world a woman has to go through just to be successful. Including dealing with huge male egos which I was guilty of having. I just tried to transfer mine to my feminine side by obsessing the best I could about being an attractive woman. It became an all or nothing obsession which consumed me to a point where it was all I lived for and I am not proud of the experience. I wonder now, why my second wife stayed with me at all, but she did. 

As I always write about, it was not until I broke the self-imposed bonds, I had put myself under, did I begin to really understand the life I was pursuing. And figure out if I really wanted to do it because there was so much at stake. Everything I worked so hard at would need to be thrown in a giant trash can as I started all over again as a trans woman. No experience was a bad experience really came into play when I left the gay venues I was frequenting and started to try to socialize on an equal footing with the ciswomen in my world who would gather after work in a TGIF Fridays I went to as a man. When I was going there as a man, I always fantasized how it would be if I could do it as a woman and when I did, I was in heaven as well as being scared to death that I would be "discovered" and told to leave. Which thankfully never happened and I needed to step up my wardrobe options to keep blending in with the women around me.

It was not until then did the women around me begin to reach out to me when they saw that I was all alone and I began to build up a small circle of friends who turned out to be lesbians who were destined to teach me more than I ever imagined about the world and how to deal with it as an independent woman. The first thing I needed to do I discovered was to take the important step of validating who I was as a person. To take all the experiences I had accumulated and learn from them. By this time, most of the bad experiences had faded away, giving me the confidence to be myself for the first time in my life. When my validation was secure, I could move on and cross the gender border the way I wanted to. 

One thing was certain; I needed to keep being a keen observer of the genders around me if I was to continue to be successful.  Quickly I found, I was kicked out of the men' s club for good as they left me alone for the most part. Which was the direction I wanted to go anyhow because I had never felt comfortable around men and what they demanded from me to be successful in my life. For once, I felt comfortable in my life which added to the fact I had always felt so natural that I was doing the right thing when I was pursuing a feminine life. 

Finally, I bought into the idea that I was a unique human with a lot to offer to the world if they would accept me. To arrive at the point where I was, I needed to take all the good and bad experiences of my gender journey and combine them to succeed. When they did, I knew I had made it to my goal against all obstacles, and I was living my dream.

Thank you all very much for joining me and as always, I hope your experiences turn out to be positive ones. Comments are always appreciated.

Transitioning Was Nothing but a Circle

 Over the years, I was able to go through several major transitions other than the obvious ones. 

Similar to many of you, I started by going through my mom’s clothes looking for the rare ones I could wear. Then I extended my explorations into her makeup and used her electric razor to shave the unwanted hair off of my legs. I did not know it then, but all my work to be feminine was just the start of a lifetime full of change. At that time, I thought that my change would be limited to the clothes and makeup until a little thought kept sneaking in that I was still missing something in my life. Finally, I discovered the missing link was the fact I wanted to do more than look like the girl, I wanted to be the girl. 

Since I was in complete denial from the world around me, I needed to work hard to hide my feminine supplies I had worked so hard to accumulate. My newspaper route with the pittance I received as an allowance did not go too far when I had the courage to sneak out and buy my own panty hose and makeup. Just by starting to buy my own feminine articles was some sort of a transition because it was the first time I was able to stand up and support myself as a feminine person. No matter how much courage it took me to do it. Plus when I ran my own hose, it was on me to replace them.

As I grew up, life became more complicated along with my gender dysphoria which had grown from a simple look in the mirror in the morning to a full-fledged urge to do more with my cross-dressing urges. Sooner than later, the urge to break out of my dark lonely gender closet would overcome me and I would have to address my needs to be a woman in the world. I was very naive and did not have a complete idea of what that meant but my voice was telling me it was time to try for the next transition in my life. 

Before I tried, I needed to take stock of what I had to work with and have some sort of an idea of where I was going to try to go. At first, I threw caution to the wind and started to just park my car near closed shops in a shopping center where I lived. Which turned out to be no challenge at all. Then I stepped up my cross-dressing game and decided I would go to one of the nearby major indoor malls around me and see if I could make it as a novice. The answer was a resounding no and I was sent back home several times in tears after being laughed at. I would have to work harder to make my new transition work or give it up all together. 

By this time in my life, I was tired of giving up on the things in life I really wanted, so I was in no mood to give up my biggest dream of all which was living a life as a transfeminine person. Even though I had such a long way to go to get there. I never counted on so many transitions which were both physical and mental. The external feminine person I was building had to be the best I could do and then combine my image with my mental strength that was telling me I was doing the right thing. On occasion too, the transition was all mental when all of a sudden I began to think of myself as more of a woman of my own making than a serious cross-dresser at all. At that point, I began to relax and enjoy my time around ciswomen more as an insider and not as a cis man looking to join the girls’ club. 

As all of this was happening, on my own personal homefront gender war was breaking out. As what was left of my male self and my second wife were fighting me over transitioning any farther into my dream world. At the same time I was dreaming of changing my legal gender markers to female from the hated male and starting HRT gender affirming hormones, my wife and male self stepped up their war against me. In a tragic and unexpected way, I won the battle when my second wife unexpectedly passed away from a massive heart attack, leaving me all alone to do what I wanted. 

It turned out, all the groundwork I had set up on all the previous transitions I had gone through came back to help me. My Veterans Administration therapist came through with all the paperwork I needed to start the ball rolling for me to change my legal name to a more proper one which came from generational family names rather than feminine idols I had encountered in the past. Then I used my new name to get a new driver's license back then in Ohio which is not allowed today. Thanks to backwards Republican lawmakers which leads me to being able to change my birth certificate which is nearly impossible to do. For the same reason. 

Perhaps, most importantly, I was able to accomplish all of this at the same time my social life was picking up as a transgender woman. I was able to establish myself as a regular in straight bars outside of the gay venues I used to go to where I was treated as just another drag queen. It all worked together to provide me with another major transition in my life. A chance to live as I always should have been. 

Ironically, all these changes and transitions I went through just took me back to me and made me have regrets about the process I should not have had. I did not ask to be born into the restrictive male box I was born into and needed to quit being a victim to eventually get myself out of it. I feel good.

Thanks for reading along with my trip back to being myself! Comments are always appreciated.

JJ Hart on my way. 

Was It Ever Too Easy or Difficult

 

Image from Brian Lawson
on UnSplash.

Looking back at your gender transition, was it ever too easy or too difficult? From many of the comments I receive, I would say the answer is difficult. Even if you are an everyday cross-dresser all the way to a post opt transgender woman.  

For me, it went both ways like my gender as it depended on the experience or even the day. For example, when I was getting laughed out of venues I should have been passing in, my whole life was too difficult as the opposite of gender euphoria set in. My inner stubbornness set in, and I just had to do something to make my life better.

By this time, I was in survival mode. Clinging to every shred of gender euphoria I could find. By taking the time and effort to make my dysfunctional life better, I was making it worse. Just in time, when I was in total despair, I learned what I was doing wrong in the world to blend in and begin to prosper as a novice trans woman. Mainly I was dressing way too inappropriately for a woman my age, and when I started to look around at the ciswomen around me, life began to change. As I began to build a new professional women’s wardrobe, suddenly I found myself presenting and blending into feminine situations I never could before. It was not easy, but I was getting closer.

By closer, I meant my all-important confidence that I was doing the right thing was growing too. It helped when I was able to look another woman in the eye and have a face-to-face conversation too. It was very difficult for me to get there because of my inherent shyness and other factors but with a lot of work I did it. I was far from perfect, but I was learning.

Before I knew it, I became an accepted regular at the ciswomen’s get togethers after work at a local TGIF Fridays and I was in heaven every time I did it and wanted to branch out into other similar venues which accepted single women at their bars. Even though I was having no problems at those venues, it was never easy for me as I was always waiting for the other foot to fall when someone would ask me why a man in a dress and makeup was doing there. Needless to say, it never happened and I was able to enjoy my drinks in peace. I did not think of it then, but I was suffering from an age-old condition which was instilled in me as a kid that nothing was ever good enough. If I was succeeding in the venues I was going to, why shouldn’t I try new ones.

In other words, I was not stopping my trip up my male to female femininization journey to enjoy my progress. I was still looking over my back for trouble. Another problem I always mention it was how ill-prepared I was for the internal lives' women lead. I had never been allowed to see behind the feminine gender curtain and was left to my own to imagine how it was. Naturally, I played up the good such as the pretty clothes, hair and makeup and downplayed aspects such as passive aggressive behavior all the way to having to learn all the basics of womanhood from peer group approval. I had no sleepovers with other young girls to work with or mascara lessons from mom. As it turned out, I was probably wearing more makeup at a younger age as the daughter she never faced the fact she had.

Which always made another part of my life difficult because deep down I wanted for her to accept me for who I was. Even though I tried to explain to her one night that I always wanted to be a woman, the best she could do was reject me and offer therapy. We never mentioned it again as I struggled for acceptance in my new feminine existence. I could never understand how she could reject me so quickly with no discussion whatsoever. She was part of the “greatest generation” which I guess did not include emotional support for gender issues. Since I was used to my parents not making my life easier emotionally, it was easier for me to move on.

As I did move on in my own new and exciting transfeminine world, I was able to discover social sources of emotional backup they never knew they provided. What they provided was a learning experience for me to do away with any vestiges of my male past. After the years of fighting the gender changes, he was facing, my male self finally gave up his throne fairly easily and let my long hidden feminine self-take over and erase the scars from all the fighting she went through. Most importantly, my new circle of ciswomen friends never questioned my femininity and I flourished with them. Making up for all the lost time I had as a man trying in vain to hang on to what he had in male privilege he had earned but had never had the chance to appreciate because he never really wanted them after all.

It all brings me to the now of life. I still bear the recent scars of the two new Veterans Administration nurses who kept referring to me as “he” behind my back because my doctor never does. The difference is now the gender slings don’t hurt for long because I have long since concluded, I am only me and that must be good enough. Plus, I just learned that the VA is facing a shortage of the Estradiol patches I use and I only have a couple weeks of patches on hand to use. So, once again, hormonal injections may become a reality for me. It’s another bridge I am building that hopefully I will not have to jump off.

Perhaps I will always carry with me some of the difficulties which come with a transgender life that I never started with any natural feminine qualities. Testosterone poisoning tore me up and I have paid the price ever since. But, like before, I will get over the bad and embrace the good from the family and friends who are around me.

Thanks for reading along and I hope you gained serious insight from my writings. Any comments or claps are always appreciated by you!

 

 

More Than Just a Passing Fantasy

 

Image from Alexsy Turenkov
on UnSplash.

As I made my way into the public’s eye as a novice transgender woman, I needed to prove to the average person I was much more than a man in a dress with a wig and makeup.

It meant I needed to change my entire thought pattern too about who I thought I was because for the longest time, I considered myself more or less a feminine “hobbyist” who dabbled in wearing feminine clothes and makeup. I considered myself as serious about my hobby as much as I did my brother being serious about his golf game.

Ironically, I can not put my finger on the exact moment I started to change my overall thoughts on myself, but it was a gradual process. Triggered by me being exposed to the transgender term for the first time in my life. It all came from the fact that I knew there just had to be more to what I was doing with my feminine self than just a casual process and the transgender terminology appealed to me. Being trans took me another step towards living my ultimate dream of living as a transfeminine person more than anything I had ever read before.

All my research into gender dysphoria and its effects on me led me to slide myself increasingly on the gender scale to the feminine side of the spectrum internally. Which was the easier part initially. Then, all I needed to do was internalize my feelings and keep on living my male life so no one would notice that I was different at all. The problem was, I did not know how much internalizing my gender dysphoria would hurt me in the short and long term.

As I always knew, but tried to hide, just cross-dressing was never going to be enough for me, as I wanted to do more with my life as a woman. Of course, once I realized it, I needed to plan a course to do something about it. Being stuck in a restrictive single occupant closet was not going to be enough. Somehow, I needed to gather the two C’s, courage and confidence to take on the world as my authentic feminine self if I was ever going to do more than jut survive in the male world I wanted nothing to do with. I needed to get out of it and convince others I was so much more than some sort of a drag queen playing a part of a woman.

Little did I know, the drag queen problem would take care of itself everywhere but in the gay venues I was going to often. After I was done hitting my head against the wall in the gay venues, I decided to go back into the world once again to see if I could be viewed than more than someone’s fantasy object. Accomplishing it became easier to me than I ever thought possible when all I had to do was to keep going back to the venues I had frequented as a man but this time as a trans woman. If I managed to wear the same wig and look the same, I was hard to miss and easy to remember if I followed my basics of always being pleasant, never causing problems and tipping well. By doing so, I became a regular before I knew it and I started to carve out a whole new feminine life away from my male past. Most importantly, there were no passing fantasies involved for me, no smoke and mirrors as I was actually doing it.

I continued to take my trans show on the road, so to speak, as I tried to live every spare moment as a woman to see if my dreams were more than just dreams and not turn out to be nightmares. I was trying to make sure I had all my life’s basics covered if I was ever going to give up everything I had earned as a man. Use what I could as a transgender woman and start all over again. That way, I would not totally be starting over, I could take what I learned as a so-called cisman and apply it all towards the scary but exciting new world I was living in.

Doing the same things over and over as a woman helped me to carve out the new life I had always wanted to live. Other ciswomen knew my name and wanted to know more about my life because they were curious why I wanted into their world. I was in heaven and continued to want more as my life changed for the better. It all did because I had the courage to put myself out in the public’s eye. While I never managed to be the most attractive woman in the room, I was the most consistent with my look. Which was all I could do with what I had to work with in my testosterone poisoned body. It took me a lot of time and effort, but I put away all my old misgivings about my life’s journey and kept my momentum up towards my extreme male to female femininization project.

By this time, most all the family and friends who meant anything to me had passed away leaving me all alone in the world to do what I wanted. After all those years of playing around with thinking I was a casual cross-dresser had completely left my mind and looking like a woman was much more than a mere fantasy, I was ready to move forward into the world I had always should have been a part of. It turned out to be a for better or for worse deal for me by this time. I had put so much effort into the struggle to femininize myself and get out of the male world that it all turned out for the better as I entered a win-win situation in the world.

In fact, during my life, there was no way I ever could have fantasized arriving in the place where I had arrived. I love it when a plan comes together. Even though it took me so long.

Thanks for reading along with all my hopes and desires during my life.

Thought are always appreciated!

 

 

Sink or Swim Time

Image from Jeremy Bishop
on UnSplash.

Coming off all my new and exciting Halloween adventures, it was time for me to decide if I was going into the deep end of my gender pool to see if I could sink or swim for my life.

One way or another, I knew I could not wait another full year to leave my closet and explore a feminine world which I had barely learned anything about. What I learned was that I loved the femininization process and wanted to know more. I loved the process of learning to apply makeup properly and the feel of the clothes, but even more the fact I was just a little closer to living my dream of how a ciswoman really lived. To accomplish it, I would have to keep swimming in my pool of life. Especially when I was in over my head.

I caught myself in the deep end too many times when I did not know what I was doing in the early days when I was struggling to blend in with the world and essentially disappear to most of it. In the shallow end of the pool, I discovered most strangers did not care about me anyhow as they went about their everyday lives. It was the deep end where I ran into problems. Since I always considered myself a quality student of the women around me, I quickly found how little I really knew about where I wanted to go as a novice transgender person.

It was not until I learned how complex a ciswoman’s life was as compared to a cisman’s did, I figure out how far I would need to swim to make it to my dream. To make it, I needed to become a long-distance gender swimmer while I stayed in the deep end. To stay where I wanted to be in the pool, I needed to fight back all the fears I had of stripping myself of the male life I had tried so hard to build up and start all over again. To make matters worse, I was highly insecure about if I could ever make it to my goal at all. You have probably heard the old saying that you must dream about something to do it and I was having a difficult time even dreaming about my own unique path to womanhood. At the time, and into the future I knew I could not afford any expensive gender surgeries so I would have to go the distance on my own out of sheer will power as a transwoman friend once told me.

The only things that kept me going were the deep sense of feeling natural when I was following up on my feminine instincts and an even deeper sense of gender euphoria any time I succeeded. Maybe I could make it after all and be more like my transgender woman friends I so admired at the diverse parties I was a regular at in nearby Columbus, Ohio. I figured they had made it in the deep end of the gender pool and so could I. Plus, every party I went to seemed to teach me more about the life I was expected to live as a trans woman without any gender realignment surgeries. Which separated me out from most all the other accomplished transgender women I met in Columbus.

From there, I left the gay venues I was relying upon for socialization and ventured into the straight bar scene I mention so much. It was all part of treading water in the deep end of the gender pool until I figured how I was going to make the next move. Either give up and go back or keep on swimming. Along the way, I became tired of all the effort I was putting into my new life as a transfeminine person until new energy came along to keep me going.

I cannot say I was not in danger of drowning if I did not vigorously keep swimming towards my dream goals in life. My already strained mental health was already causing me to be very self-destructive and a danger to myself, so I was in a bad place to be if I was in the deep end of the pool struggling to figure out my future. To make matters worse, nearly everyone I was close to in my life passed away within three years of each other leaving me in shock and nearly all alone. Somehow, I found the inner strength I needed to stay afloat until I was able to reach out to a whole new set of women friends who enjoyed my company. Above anything else, they saved me from drowning while at the same time teaching me the fine points of being a woman. I tried to thank them, but they never understood and we continued to have fun together.

Included in the group was my current wife Liz who met me in an online dating site against all odds when I was in a lesbian woman seeking woman group. It turned out we lived semi close together and were able to correspond online until our first date at a drag show. We have been together nearly fourteen years now and married for the majority, so I consider that a great success story which makes up for all the down times I suffered.

If you are considering a swim into the deep end of your gender pool, make sure that you are sure you want to give up everything you may have to not turn around and go back. It is never easy and each of us has their own particular path to follow and you need to claim your successes when you have them. Gender euphoria is often brief and fleeting for those of us who have not been blessed with many natural feminine characteristics. We just have to work harder to even stay in the pool and take everything we are given to stay afloat.

I have had several recent comments from readers who are in despair because they have nothing to work with as a novice transgender woman or cross dresser but do have several understanding ciswomen who accept them to fall back on. A great way to study the fact that all women are different and more than a few might be closer to you when it comes to shapes, sizes and personalities than you think.

As I always say, I hope you can find your own path on the way to your own personal gender freedom. Thanks for reading, and commenting!

 

 

  

Living Rent Free in my Head

 

JJ Hart. First Beauty Salon
Image

Living rent free in my head quickly became the motto of my feminine self.

It all began when I was very young exploring my mom’s clothes and makeup then expanded from there. Very early on, I gladly gave up the space in my head to a new and exciting person. Anything to escape the unwanted male prison I was living in. I did not like the day-to-day life I was forced to live as a male but could do nothing about it.

In the meantime, I was busy making space in my closet for a new person who was very demanding. She had to have clothes, and makeup to the best of my ability. And the problem was, I had to hide all of her from my family and friends because discovery would have been disastrous. As back in those days, any sort of gender dysphoria was considered a mental health issue. A place I certainly did not want to go.

As I matured into a more established cross dresser, there were several times when my closet experienced severe ups and downs when I needed to expand or limit the size and space I was working with. Perhaps, along the way, you have heard me refer to the term “purging” which means to throw away all your feminine items and resolve to go back to living a stress-free male life. For me at least, it never worked and just caused me to develop more stress later when I did not take care of the other inhabitant who was living rent free in my head. Always after purging, I found myself coming back stronger and better than ever when I remodeled my small closet into a more organized version to who I really was.

Who I really was became a very difficult answer for me to consider in my formative years coming out of the closet. Basically, the only constant I knew was I felt very natural when I was in my feminine mode and I felt a much deeper draw to it than just the thrill of wearing woman’s clothes. I did not know how I would get to a more transfeminine experience but just knew I needed to try. The problem was my male life kept getting in the way by throwing up obstacles such as military duty, marriage and jobs in my way. As much as I was fond of the woman living rent free, she was incapable of paying any of the bills which were coming my way after I got out of college and the Army.

Until I could go further in my feminine explorations, and hard as it was for me to do, I just had to back off most all I was trying to do for my ever-demanding transgender self. Once the term became popular and I could read up on it, the more trans made sense to me. So, I slapped the label on my other person living rent free in my head as it made sense to me and made me come closer to understanding the person I really was. As some wise person once said, you need to understand the problem before you can do anything about it. But before I could go any further, I needed to research what exactly I was getting into if I entered the world of ciswomen everywhere.

My world of exploration began in gay venues where I was just treated as another drag queen and even discriminated against on occasion. I quickly said enough was enough and I gathered my courage to attempt to establish myself as a regular in a few of the straight venues I had visited regularly as a man. I always had wondered when I was male what it would be like to go in several places, I was a regular in as a woman and finally I got the chances to try. I was overjoyed when I was successful in my attempts and quickly found myself in a world I had only dreamed of.

When I was doing all of this, I pretty much left my old closet behind completely as I stepped out into the bright lights of the world. After I accepted the fact, I would never be accepted in the world as a ciswoman, I set out to prove I could make it as a woman on my own terms and I did. I discovered I just had to live with my truth and most of the world would just be curious about me or just not care. All I was looking for was an even break for my rent-free person, and she got it. In fact, she got more than she ever bargained for as in a relatively short period of time, she was carving out an entirely new life as a transgender woman. My new woman friends knew I came from a different place than them but did not care.

It was a joyous occasion as all of them helped me to close my old closet for good and what about that rent-free person that lived there? She took over my life, saved the good through out the bad and overall constructed a new life for me that I had never dreamed of. As I suspected, she was not a squatter in my closet after all, she was the real deal all long and all the attention she demanded was paid back to me totally when the time came for pay back. In addition, she was nice and gentle about my male to female femininization project by telling me I had it all wrong. I was a woman hiding as a man for most of my life.

I was stubborn and shame on me for not realizing and reacting to my truth for as long as I did. But once my person in the closet took over with the addition of a few HRT gender affirming hormones, she was on her way to a freedom she would never have to give up again.

Hey you! Thanks for reading along and or commenting. Anything you do is appreciated and I hope if you are stuck in your closet, you can find your way out too.

 

When Life Hands You Panty Hose

 

Image from Garin Chadwick
on Unsplash.

As transgender women, we find when life hands us panty hose, we better wear them.

In my case at least, I had an early love of wearing hose after I was able to borrow my mom’s electric razor and shave the unwanted hair off my male legs. Which puberty had gifted me with when I was not looking. Ironically, if the truth is known, I was probably shaving my legs ahead of many of the girls in school I admired so much. I say that because if my mom had the daughter she always wanted, she would not have let me shave my legs and wear makeup as early as I did.

During my early love affair with Hose, I discovered how frail they could be as I ran many pairs of my mom’s collection which she never mentioned to me. Since I was earning a meager amount of weekly income from my paper route, I discovered buying panty hose was within my reach if I could just discover the size and shade which fit me the best. I could go to the corner small department store, gather my courage and be able to buy a new pair of panty hose and an item of cosmetics and still have a little left over to save for my next cross-dressing adventure.

Since I was buying my own supplies, I felt less guilty about searching for clothes in my mom’s wardrobe which still barely fit me as I had less chances of being caught. But the new problem I was having was where I could hide my growing collection of feminine belongings where my family would not find them. Especially, my slightly younger brother. I even resorted to storing my overflow in plastic bags in an old hollowed out tree I found in the woods next door to my house. It was far from ideal, but I managed to have my privacy one way or another.

As I lived my life, I was still in my victim phase of wondering why I was the only boy I knew who was going through all the contortions I was going through to be a girl. Why could not I be “normal” like the rest of my friends. When they were thrown panty hose, they would promptly drop them like some sort of a hot potato. I on the other hand still enjoyed the electric feel of the feel of the material on my legs and how good my legs looked in the mini-skirted fashion of the day. Since I was told I had great legs at Halloween parties I went to, it was the ideal time to show them off with a pair of panty hose that I had just bought at a neighborhood convenience store. By this time, I was a pro at knowing just what I was looking for and always buying it with no problems.

Thankfully, I finally exited my victim phase of life and started to embrace and accept who I was thanks to a lifetime of cross-dressing. Since the term transgender had not been invented yet. By this time, I was entering the 1980’s with mini-skirts coming back in fashion along with the big hair. I loved the fashion of the day almost a much as I loved the old hippie days, I was largely deprived of because of my time in the Army. It was fun when I could look out for and adjust what I was wearing as a transgender woman, so I would continue to blend in with the ciswomen around me. Evolving with the times also involved how I evolved as a transfeminine person because I had a lot of growing to do if I was ever going to make it to my dream.

I needed to go back and accept what I knew so long ago that much more than women’s clothes and makeup defined me as a person. I yearned to be the women I admired so much and had to figure out how to get there. Which involved more than the simplicity of being presented with panty hose and having the chance to wear them. What would I ever do about putting in the effort to live out a life, cross the gender border and successfully exist in the world with other ciswomen. I write extensively about the time it took me to peel back the layers I needed to cross on my gender journey to be allowed to be behind the gender curtain. Where I looked merely opened a few initial doors for me. An example was what happened when I observed I was the only woman in the room who was wearing hose at all. Somehow, fashion had come full circle in front of my eyes and every time I saw a woman wearing hose, I looked closer to see if she was a cross-dresser.

As far as I am concerned now, my hose wearing days are almost over along with most of the women I am around. Sadly, I am into leggings and jeans now more than anything else because I do not go anyplace other than casual venues where I would be out of place if I dressed up so I have come full circle in my life once again. Life handed me panty hose initially and I embraced them totally before I moved on later down my gender road. However, the one fun thing you can do as a woman is embrace certain fashion styles the best you can. You are still not tied to the old restrictive male fashion code which evened to start to change also. Men now are even allowed to wear pink shirts, so who know what is in store for future men’s fashion. On the runways it is not uncommon to see a male model wearing woman’s clothes. Maybe someday, cismen will grow out of their frail sexuality, and the world will change with them.

In the meantime, I will always remember my beginning of a life of a discovery as a transgender woman. Life did not throw me any lemons, but it did throw me panty hose in an egg-shaped package. Which I used as a springboard to move on from there. I managed to proceed through a lifetime of gender discovery I used to come close to my dream. From there, woman friends of mine helped to push me across the line I was dreaming of. I was so fortunate to have had them to help me to yet another electric sensation. The of living an everyday life as a trans woman.

Thanks for reading along and making comments! Your input is always welcome as it helps me grow.

 

 

Discovery in a Trans Life

 

Image from Spencer Davis
on UnSplash. 

Without knowing it, my life has turned into a path of gender discovery. When I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror, I discovered yet again what the magic of HRT hormones had done for me and how fortunate I was to be in the situation I was in. But it was not always that way.

Like many of you, my discovery began when I was spending too much of my time as a youth exploring my mom’s clothing and makeup. From that point forward I was hooked as I tried my best not to destroy any of mom’s clothes as I outgrew them. Possibly, I was successful because she never said anything to me about her wardrobe which was fairly extensive for a high school teacher back in those days. In the 1960’s.

Very early on, as I was making gender discoveries left and right, I ended up refusing to accept the most important one. That my life was much deeper than just wearing girls’ clothes in front of the mirror, I really wanted to be a girl. If I had the information tools to know it, instead of just liking the clothes and the look, I was in fact, transgender. The problem was, this was way before the internet and social media years, so I had no access to the world of cross-dressers than my occasional delivery of “Virginia Prince’s” “Transvestia” magazine. Once I received my newest edition, I could compare how I looked with all the other cover girls in the issue. To be sure, a real discovery came from every issue.

Perhaps, most importantly, were the back of the issue pages which I discovered advertised “Tri-Ess” social mixers for so called straight transvestites all over the country. Including ones in my native Ohio which I discovered were within driving distance of me. From that point forward, I wanted to personally attend a social and see where I fit into a gender system which I felt so alone in. When I gathered the resources and courage to do it, I signed up for a social/mixer which was a couple hours away from me. That sparked my first big discovery of my transgender life. By being around like-minded people for the first time in my life, I hoped my loneliness would go away. Sadly, it did not because I still felt alone in the middle of a crowded room. I am sure part of it had to do with my inherent shyness, and the rest from going through for the first time how it felt to be without my learned male self-protection privileges. Starting all over as myself was an initial shock.

In the protected world I was from, I had no idea of how many layers of people I would meet on the gender spectrum. My eyes were opened from meeting cigar smoking cross dressers who seemed to be denying the fact that they were there at all. All the way to the impossibly feminine transsexuals who had been on HRT and were headed to gender realignment surgeries. The problem was that I did not know where I fit in the new system I was seeing.

I just knew I needed to figure it out which meant a deep exploration into my inner self, no matter how painful it might be. Discovery then took on a new meaning to me as I explored the world as a transgender woman trying to carve out a life for herself. At the time, I was only going to gay venues to see if I could meet a like minded individual there but quickly learned I could not and took the next best step to try to test myself out by discovering if the straight world would accept me. By doing so, I found myself in all kinds of different situations in everything from small lesbian bars to big straight casual dining venues such as TGIF. After some scary beginnings, I discovered I could fit in on my own terms. Which surprised me beyond my greatest expectations. I was also learning that my goal of living an everyday life as a trans woman just maybe could be within reach. If I wanted it bad enough.

I did discover I did want a transfeminine life enough to sort out my male baggage I would not need on a male to female gender transition. It seemed my path for the first time was lit up like a new highway to my future if I wanted it. The best part was I was still discovering what it meant to be myself as I made a new world for my long-awaited transgender woman to emerge and live in. It is not often that a human has a chance to re-invent themselves and enjoy the challenge of doing it but I got there. I discovered by putting myself out there in the world I could build a new feminine life from the ashes of my old male life, I even went online and my wife Liz found me on a dating site, and we have been together for nearly fourteen years now. I was prepared at that time to spend the rest of my life alone and discovered I did not have to. It was a real surprise.

Over what has turned out to be a long life, I have been able to make many discoveries which have aided my progress in the world. Including more than a few which I never thought would happen such as my relatively easy time in the Army all the way to me being able to make my way to living a life as a fulltime transgender woman. While, at the same time retaining some of my most important male building blocks along the way.

I hope you have the chance to make your own discoveries in your life that you deserve. Enjoying your discoveries should be a part of your pleasure.

Thanks for reading along and comments are always appreciated.

 

 

Just Me

JJ Hart

Years ago, when I started to write a “blog”, I barely even knew what one was. I was urged on by a close online acquaintance that I had met on another site that I cannot recall now or even know if it is still in existence. My friend has long since faded away and I hope she is still with us at all as she had health problems when I met her.

What I remember the most is the number of entitled transgender women who were “post op” (had gone through some sort of gender surgery) and felt that they were better than the “pre opt” trans women who had no surgeries at all. They were for the most part very nasty and we referred to them as “Trans-Nazi’s”. At that time, I had several very in-depth experiences I shared, and my friend told me I had enough to share with the world. So, I did and to this day, I am still writing.

Years ago, I made a pledge to myself to try to help others with my writing because for the most part, we share very similar yet difficult lives. Over the years, I have been able to share all sorts of experiences such a the “Blue Coat” I cherished so much in a store but was never able to buy because the finances could not handle it. I so loved that coat, that I was overjoyed every time I went back to that store and it was still there. Actually, it was pale blue, full length, wool, and I thought it fit perfectly with my long blond wig and black silky pants suit. I was there so much that I thought the staff would notice the tall blond trying on the same coat time after time without ever buying it. Because she was just wasting mirror time admiring herself, but they never did and finally I just had to give up on having the coat of my dreams.

Maybe I should have felt guilty about my one-sided obsession to be an attractive trans woman without the help of any surgeries. Plus, at the same time keep my long term marriage alive by going against all the transgender theories of the day which said you had to go away, have gender realignment surgery and start all over again in a totally new life. I was too stubborn for that and wanted to do it my way with one foot firmly planted in two gender worlds, male when I worked or was with my wife and female when I was not and was going to the diverse social parties I was attending in nearby Columbus, Ohio. I loved them because I never knew who I was going to meet there and they could be anywhere on the gender spectrum from lesbians to feminine transsexual women headed for their surgery.

Even with the wide range of gender diversity I ran into, I still could not get over the fact that I still did not fit in yet with any of the groups I interacted with. Ironically, I did learn how well I interacted with the lesbians who attended the parties which set the stage for my future belief that I firmly was not into men but still enjoyed my time with ciswomen and we got along.

From Columbus, so to speak, I took my going out show on the road and begin exploring more frequently venues that I had always wanted to go to as a transgender woman. As I was busy kicking open my closet door, I was learning more and more about the resilient new me. I started to write about my good and bad experiences in the straight world I wanted to be in as I left the safety of the gay venues behind me. The safety I am referring to was sacrificing always being known as just another queen to trying my best to be accepted on a bigger stage in straight venues I enjoyed going to as a man. Then, I started to write about which male baggage (such as sports) I could possibly bring with me. At the time, as well as now, I added how important it was to judge your surroundings to determine what other ciswomen were doing. I have always tried to emphasize how important it is to not bring any negative attention to yourself as I used to do by trying to cross-dress provocatively when I first entered the world.

Speaking of the world. It began to open for me when I began to blend in with my target audience which were women. At that point I started to write about being allowed to play in the girls’ sandbox and being allowed behind the magic gender curtain that I cherished so much that I was willing to risk all the male privileges I had worked so hard for to get there. The more experienced I became in my new feminine world I became, the more important it became for me to write about when I knew it was time to pull the plug on my male life. The key for me was that my transition always felt so natural for me, and my only regret was that it took me so long to do it.

I also went through the who I am to give advice on part of my writing experience. From comments I received all the way to just realizing my thoughts were as relevant as anyone else’s, I forged ahead through years of writing. Making sure that my writings were grounded by the realities I had such as the days I spent with my friends at the monthly lesbian mixers I always went to with them. Or the “Andy Warhol” exhibit I went to with transgender friends back in Columbus at Ohio State University and how I needed to be careful not to come off sounding like a trans-nazi myself after I wrote about a group of drunken cross-dressers trashing a women’s restroom in a gay bar we went to after the exhibit. Rightfully so, after the restroom incident, lesbians in the bar got the rest of us banned from using the women’s room. I was trying to hide my disdain for what the cross-dressers did because I was not far removed from being a very serious cross-dresser myself. The last thing I ever wanted to do was put myself up on any sort of pedestal.

Since now, I have followed my life’s curves and transitions, at the age of seventy-seven I have transitioned into my true transfeminine self-fulltime and thanks to my wife Liz having been living my dream life since I was sixty. Transitioning with Liz made me feel like the real me which had always been missing was the final piece of the puzzle.

Hopefully, I still have many healthy years to write about my experiences in my quest to help others with similar gender issues.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

Finding Your Trans North Star in a Straight World

 

Image from Daniel Lincoln 
on UnSplash

As most all transgender women and transgender men know, finding your own personal North Star is often very difficult to do.

The first thing you have to consider is what your North Star means to you and down the road, what will you do to follow it. Very early on in my life, I knew the only thing I wanted to really do when I grew up wanting not to be in the male body I was born into. It turned out after fifty plus years of trying; I was able to make it mentally out of my male body and live as a transfeminine woman but never seriously considering undergoing any of the serious and extensive gender realignment surgeries which are going on today. At the time, I figured I did not have to risk my body which to this day has been healthy and just concentrate on the physical feminine side of life I enjoyed so much. Or my gender stayed between my ears and not my legs. Which started me down a very long path trying to discover what my North Star meant to me and where it was exactly.

The problems which clouded my view came almost exclusively from my male self-fighting the process of a male to female femininization every place that he could. He took a secret joy when I was laughed out of venues I was in as I was dressing to please him and not the public who really mattered which were ciswomen who determined if I could stay in their world at all. What he did not count on was that the stares and laughter just made me more resolute searching for my feminine self.

As I went along, I discovered even the most strenuous male activities could not mask the shine of my inner feminine star. Not even three years in the army could hide her glow when it counted. In fact, lessons I learned when I was away from my true self helped me when I could return seriously to my gender path. Most importantly, I learned I could rely upon myself more completely when the times became rough. Sadly, it took me years of living to learn a woman could be feminine and strong all at the same time as my two-role model’s mom and second wife taught me to be. Without ever knowing they were dealing with another woman. Much to the chagrin of my inner woman who wanted her chance in the world.

And yes, there were times that my North Star was completely lost in the clouds before I could completely reclaim her. Such as the time when I was stuck transitioning from a serious cross-dresser to a novice transgender woman. It turned out, it was only another mental transition because at this time, I had most all my appearance basics together and I was ready to experiment on the next step of mentally comparing myself as I socialized with other ciswomen. Following much fear and trepidation, I found that I could and more importantly, I felt natural and happy doing it. My star was shining brightly when I made it out of the comparative safety of the gay venues I was going to (where I was only considered to be another drag queen) to straight venues in the world where I could express myself as a trans woman.

I discovered that once I reclaimed my star, I reclaimed my life too. I was on the verge of reclaiming the life I was so unhappy in and turning it into an existence which restored my fragile depressive mental health and gave me a reason to be happy. Probably, for the first time in my life. But I still had a long way to go, because my male self stubbornly refused to give up all the privileges he had earned and was fighting for at least a partial share of my life. It did not matter to him that I felt happy and natural when I was a trans woman, carving out a new life with new privileges for myself. Such as constant interaction with ciswomen who were interested why I was in their world. I finally quit trying to figure it out and learned to sit back and enjoy the socialization process I was going through. As I was learning as much from them as they were about me. It all made me a better person as I continued to carve out a new life for myself.

Thankfully, my North Star continued to burn brightly for me during this time of my life. I needed the guidance of the star to help me navigate any more blind curves along my gender path that I was on. I never counted on the new life being so much more complex than the old straight forward male life I was discontinuing due to lack of interest. From appearance to body movement to communication, I needed to change it all, and I felt I was running out of time since I was in my mid-fifties, and my biological transgender clock was ticking. It all kept me going and interested to see what was beyond the next blind curve I would have to face on my gender journey.

By this time my North Star was starting to sink into the horizon of a new day for me as it guided me forward into my new day. As it faded, I was able to sit back and appreciate all the good things it had sent me through in my life, as well as helping me around some of the bad ones I needed help with. By following the star, I was able to finally make it to the dream I never knew I could do and that of course was being able to live a happy life as a transgender woman.

Even during my dark days of infantry basic training in the Army at Ft. Knox, my North Star came through and helped me see the way to overcome my gender shortcomings which turned out to be temporary. Permanence turned out to be the ability to follow and live out my dream.

As always thanks for reading along and I hope you have a North Star to guide you also through the thick and thin days of a transgender life.

 

 

 

 

It Was All That and More

Tim Curry in the 
"Rocky Horror Picture Show"

It took me decades of living to finally achieve my dream of slipping behind the feminine gender curtain and staying there permanently. When I summoned the courage to do it, my feeling of gender euphoria was deep and permanent.

It turned out that all the dreams and hopes I had ever had over the years came to fruition. Largely with the help of a few key women friends, I was kicked out of my old male nest and  into their embrace.  It was more than I ever asked for and I thought ever deserved because I was raised never to be happy or satisfied with anything I ever did. It could be too that I was happy because of all the work I put in to achieving my transgender goal was working.

Along my gender path, I discovered many blind spots along the way. Several of which almost derailed my attempts to reach my goal altogether. Examples included the times when I was out in the world as a crossdresser and almost was attacked by two men on a dark urban sidewalk outside of a gay venue in Dayton, Ohio I had just left. Or the time I was cornered by a cross-dresser “admirer” who was much bigger than I at a social mixer in Columbus, Ohio. Both were sudden reminders of how different a world I was in as a trans woman when all my personal security was taken away.  Following both of those unfortunate interactions, I learned the hard way to go slowly around any future blind curves I was facing.

It was about this time when I discovered that being able to make it behind the gender curtain was going to take much more than I thought. Mainly because even if I knew ciswomen operated on a whole different wavelength than cismen, I had no idea as to how complex the differences in life went between the genders. Suddenly, I realized why men said they never understood women. It was because women had set their worlds up that way to protect themselves from potentially toxic men. Which I needed to be particularly careful of since I was spending a lot of my life consuming alcohol in venues as a novice single woman. One night comes back to me as a strong learning experience when a toxic drunk man approached me and attempted to start a conversation. Quickly one of my woman bar tenders approached me and with out a word warned me to stay away from him. From then on non-verbal communication became a part of my learning experience when I dealt with other women.

Finally, I got to the point where I could navigate all the blind gender curves I was facing and was even up to the challenge. It became the all that and more time of my life. Sure I had my setbacks, but overall, I was successful except for the night a group of drunken men kept playing “Dude Looks Like a Lady” on the jukebox in a venue where I never had any trouble entertaining myself before. Finally, the spineless manager came up to me and said I needed to leave so I picked up my purse and headed up the street a couple blocks to another venue I was accepted in. It took a month or so but one night when I was back in that venue, one of my former bartenders from the venue I was kicked out of found me and gave me a personal invitation to come back. It seems “Mr. Manager” got fired for drug abuse and I had indirectly got my revenge because I never saw the drunks who harassed me that night again. Revenge was certainly sweet.

Back in those days, acceptance came easier for me than I ever thought possible when I left the restrictive gay venues I was in and began to explore the world as my true self. It was probably because my confidence kept growing every time, I was successful in going out. I needed to come to the point where if anyone had a problem with me, it was their problem not mine and happiness was just around the next blind curve and I just had to see around the curve to discover it because I was still so stubborn to continue to hang on to what was left of my marriage and my male life. Then sadly, destiny set in and I lost my second wife to a massive heart attack and three of my closest male friends to cancer in a two-year period. Leaving me desperately alone and searching for answers.

As I said, destiny set in and I went full circle into a transfeminine future complete with new friends, wife and life. I changed for good when my third wife Liz told me she had never seen any male in me at all, so why did not I just give up the charade I was living with one foot on either side of the two binary genders. It was as if I had paid my dues living as a man which was a lie and it was time to move on into my new world which included the magic of HRT. Which really helped to soften my view of the world as well as my own body as I synced my mental processes up with my external public presentation.

I never recommend anyone take as long as I did to follow their male to female (or female to male) trips across the border. But then again times change and hopefully the gender pendulum will swing back in our favor from all the ridiculous attacks from a certain orange president in Washington and his blind followers. Regardless of what happens though, crossing that border and finding your way behind the gender curtain will never be easy. So buckle up for the ride of your life.

Over the days which have recently passed, I did mention the death of music and world icon “Dolly Parton” but neglected to mention “Tim Curry” of film fame for his role in the 1975 cult movie classic “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” which helped to re-define the boundaries of gender for all of us. He was 80 as was Dolly and will be missed although his work will live on forever.

 

 

Burning my Gender Bridges

 

Image from Issiac Viglione
on UnSplash. 

The first time I tried a dress on and put on mom’s makeup, I burned a couple of my gender bridges. Because deep down inside I knew I could never go back.

After a few missteps, I became quite used to it. Even though what I was doing by cross-dressing and building new bridges was quite risky to the only life as a boy I had known, I kept on burning the old bridges and building new ones. Fortunately, the new bridges I was building were the product of better construction than I had ever known before, I still had such a long way to go.

Early on, the problems I faced were simply formed by the lack of experiences I had being a feminine person at all. My gender workbook had never been filled out because I had never been allowed to hang out with the girls and have the chance to understand their lives. There were no girl’s sleepovers for me to go to get peer input into how I was dressing or ideas on how I should apply my makeup. It seemed as if I was stuck forever in my male world and I could not get out.

Another problem I had was I built too many invisible bridges that I did not need to. I was and am a worrier and I routinely build structures just to jump off of them it seemed. That has continued to be a lifetime problem of mine as we can take yesterday’s routine trip to the drugstore as an example. The store is very close to my house but yet I needed to worry about getting there and back in one piece, as well as what I was going to wear and not forget all the items I needed. Of course, I just dressed casually for the trip and it came off without a problem as I got everything, I needed including birthday cards for my daughter’s upcoming dinner my wife Liz and I are hosting her for before she heads off to Maine to climb a mountain to celebrate her 50th birthday. Already, I am stressed about what I am going to wear to the restaurant.

As I matured into a more complete transgender woman, of course I discovered more things to build bridges on or around my life. For the longest time, I refused to face the truth in my life that I was always meant to live in my femininity and leave my male life behind. It was then I started to run, move often and change jobs so I could better support my two women. My second wife and myself. All my building was doing was destroying my already fragile mental self as I desperately looked for answers which were there all along. Anyway I tried to cut it, I should never have been forced into a male box when I was born and had no power to do anything about it.  

It wasn’t until I got out of my gender closet and became familiar with the world as a trans woman, did I really have to begin to burn my old male bridges to the ground. Specifically, when I got out of the gay venues, I sought out some sort of safety and solace in and started testing myself in the real world did I discover how many bridges I had destroyed and how many more would have to go. If I was ever going to have the opportunity to live my dream. I was running as fast as I could in my high heels away from my old male privileges I took for granted until I torched them. Such as sacrificing part of my intelligence and all of my personal safety when I was allowed behind the gender curtain and out of the boy’s club.

The bridge which surprised me the most was when I needed to communicate with the world of ciswomen who let me in and wanted to know more about me. It was a shock to my system to have to actually carry on a conversation or better yet begin one because I did not want to come off as being unfriendly with another person, mainly women. The overwhelmingly group of men as a whole left me alone since they had the sense, I was a traitor to their club. It turned out that if I did not want to burn the bridges between men and myself, they did it for me and they were replaced by the ciswomen I felt more comfortable around anyhow.

When I worked on my male to female transition, the bridges I was building had to be so much stronger than they had ever been before. Mainly because I was risking life as I knew it to do it. Over the years, I had accumulated so much male baggage I needed to figure out what to keep and what had to go so my bridge would carry the load. My baggage included the usual suspects such as spouses, family and friends as well as employment. Again, I was fortunate when I discovered other women with the same interests as me such as watching sporting events.

Lately, I have been receiving comments from readers who are just beginning their gender journeys and the only advice I can give from the other side is to build your bridges well to withstand the changes you will go through. And don’t forget there are many ways to achieve your goal. You can go the surgical route to transform yourself into the person you always knew you should be and go the hormonal route like I did when I was able to thrive with the help of a few ciswomen who showed me my way to build my own bridge into a feminine world. The end result should be whatever feels good and natural to you, you should go with. The one life you have to live should be yours, even if your path to doing it may be a little more different and difficult than everyone else’s. Don’t be like me and take years running from your truth before you face it and win and are able to proudly walk across your bridge.