Feminine Power Moves

 

Image from Gayatri Mohotra
on UnSplash.

When I first began to seriously explore the world as a transgender woman, I was stripped of all my male privileges and wondered what I could do to survive if I found myself in questionable situations.

The big answer I learned was to try my best not to get myself into questionable situations to begin with. Lessons learned at an early age by ciswomen everywhere such as trying their best not to jeopardize their own personal security from toxic men. When I first came out, I was used to going where I wanted to go, when I wanted to do it which led me into several tense situations. One from a much bigger cross-dresser admirer who had me in his sights in a narrow hallway where I could not escape and another time when I was approached alone on a dark city sidewalk by two men in front of a gay venue. Neither place I should have been to by myself, and I was lucky to escape without any real problems.

By this time, I was used to the only feminine power I had was having doors opened for me by men and I knew I was missing much more in life if I wanted to pay my dues and transition into a transfeminine world basically the hard way. Since I couldn’t afford to go through any of the expensive gender surgeries of the time and did not have any insurance coverage that would cover any facial surgeries, I needed to find ways to accomplish what I wanted to face on my own. I learned the hard way that I could do anything I wanted to if I set my mind to it. Or I passed out of sheer willpower according to my transgender girlfriend Racquel. All it really meant was I was able to work my way into living the life I wanted to live through more effort on my physical appearance through better makeup skills and wardrobe basics. The same things I noticed other ciswomen doing in the world who themselves did not really have “passing privileges.” I just came into my privileges as a woman from a different way.

Another difficult phase of my male to female feminization project was the impact of woman-to-woman communication which continually goes on in the world that men are not subject to. Or the world of non-verbal communication women often use between themselves. I even went to the extent of taking feminine vocal lessons which focused more on what I said rather than how I said it. The keys I was taught were mainly built around the passive aggressive tone’s ciswomen take such as “are you sure you want to do that” rather than the traditional male “don’t do that.” I got quite a bit of valuable gender information from the course to use on my path which was always full of male stop signs. To repeat what I just said in essence instead of giving me a stop sign, my inner feminine soul was saying do you really want to do this.

Of course, the answer always came back to me one way or another that I was on the right path, and I felt so natural doing it that I just had to keep exploring what was ahead around the next blind curve. It was at this point that I began to discover what I had suspected all along those ciswomen had more going for them than having doors opened by men. With the help of HRT or gender affirming hormones, I opened my world to a whole new universe of emotions and senses I never knew (or allowed) myself to have. I was the one who could reach for her coat without shame when she was cold when my thermostat went crazy with hot flashes at the same time. And I became the one who could cry a happy tear at the drop of a dime. If I needed to or not. It was all part of who I was as I began to explore my feminine power base I was developing.

As I always do, I cannot give myself much of the credit for doing more than just surviving in the new women’s world I was as I began to thrive and enjoy my new power base. As my new friends kept telling me, welcome to their world. I needed to be careful how I responded because I did not want to give up much about myself and shield my male past.

Thankfully, by this time I had given up all my male privileges and was excited to be settling into my new life as a transgender woman preparing to go fulltime into the world. By doing so, I needed to prove to myself that I was no longer afraid of being rejected as a trans woman. Primarily by men who resented that I had left the boys club behind to slip behind the gender curtain to play in the girls’ sandbox. Thanks, in no small way to my lesbian friends who showed me how to validate myself.

Somehow, I managed to give myself extra time to drain the remnants of my old male life drain away before I went all the way and gave up all my male clothes. Which was the symbolic way of me finally severing my male past altogether. As difficult as it was to give up all those decades of struggling in a life I did not like, the relief of doing it was amazing.

Before I knew it, I was enjoying everything I could in the new transfeminine life I had only ever dreamed of. I was fortunate that I was able to live through several severe gender-based self-destructive incidents that I paid my dues on and was able to move on to find a whole new set of powers.

It turned out that I was simply giving too much trust to male powers I was born into and never had a chance to do anything about it. When I did, I seized control of my true powers and never looked back.

 

 

 

 

 

In Praise of Femme Lesbians

 

Image from Alexander Krivitsky
on UnSplash.

Back in the day, femme lesbians were known as “lipstick lesbians” and were usually in heavy demand from butch and super butch women in the community.

As I write this post, it brings back many unique and even pleasant memories for me. Why? It is because during that time in my life, I was desperately seeking where I fit in on the gender spectrum. As I drifted from point A to point B, I discovered the only place I really fit in was with the lesbian community. If I could only be accepted which was far from a given.

It all started with me when I was going to several mixed, male and female gay venues in Columbus, Ohio years ago. One night I was in a very crowded venue trying to get drink when I very butch lesbian offered to buy one for me. It was the first time I felt as if I was in the right place at the right time and someone appreciated me for who I was. It all started me on a path I still am on to this day with my third wife Liz who identifies as a lesbian. She was the one person and only one who had told me she never saw in male in me, but I am getting ahead in my experiences on how I arrived here.

It all basically started seriously when I started to go regularly to two small lesbian venues in Dayton, Ohio. One I was accepted in and one I was not. The one I was not accepted in showed their dislike for me in many ways, including shutting off the juke box when I played Shania Twain’s “I Feel Like a Woman”. No sense of humor at all! The other venue was the total opposite, and I even discovered I knew one of the bartenders from my male life. It was there that I had many exciting adventures into a terrifying world I did not know much about except when I was drawn to it and it was drawn to me. Going all the way back to one of the many diverse parties I went to in Columbus, Ohio when I hit it off with another woman and we took off and visited a very popular gay night spot called “Wall Street”. Since I was still married at the time, nothing happened except again I learned where I really belonged on the gender spectrum.

Through most of it, I was playing the odds, I could explore the world as a femme lesbian and still get home and cleaned up before my wife did. One night in particular was rough when a butch in a cowboy hat demanded that I sing karaoke with her, make no mistake that I am a terrible singer and wanted nothing to do with her but she was convincing and I thought of the only song that I knew to sing to was “David Allan Coe’s You have Never Even Called me By My Name.” And here I was sharing a microphone in my blond wig and tight jeans with a butch in a cowboy hat doing my best to let her do most of the singing. By the way, “David Allan Coe” just passed away recently in his eighties, and after I was done singing, I got the hell out of there when the butch said my voice was lower than hers and I never saw her again.

Other than my brief singing career, I had many more interactions with lesbian women and even my first time I was asked out to dinner came at the request of a super butch who went on to transition completely to a transgender man. Even though I was scared to death, I still managed to have a good time which set me up for future successes when I went to lesbian mixers with my friends. They were shy but I was not and ended up in several interesting situations when one woman said she should buy me a drink and take me home with her (I got the drink but did not go home with her) and the night I was caught kissing a strange woman by the pool table in a venue we were in.

Perhaps, other than the karaoke experience, the evening I was asked by my friend to be her “wing person” and approach another woman about getting her phone number for my friend. I never got that phone number, but I did get a once-in-a-lifetime experience to remember.

Being accepted the way I was by other women saved me from having to consider my sexuality at all. In fact, I was enjoying much more attention as a transgender woman than I ever had as a man when it came to other ciswomen. I think it was because I represented an alternative to many lesbian women who had experienced men in their past and did not identify as “Gold Star” women. Gold Star lesbians identify as women who have never been with a man sexually. To all the ones that did not wear their “stars” proudly, I represented a unique gender middle ground. It helped me too, when the ciswomen I encountered did not have the same sexual hangups that most men seem to carry around with them along with their fragile egos.

Maybe the best part was that I did not have any problems fitting in with my image as a lipstick or femme lesbians and was well aware of all they had in the LGBTQ community to make societal inroads which we always desperately needed. I desperately needed it too as I searched for where I belonged in life. All along I was a femme lesbian hidden behind layers of masculinity waiting to get out and enjoy the world. It was quite the coming out process for me. As I learned I could validate myself as a person without the help of a man which was exceedingly difficult for me to do sexually or mentally. Thanks to all the women I met, I never had to do it.

 

 

I Am I Said

 

Archive Image, JJ Hart

One of my favorite Neil Diamond's songs is "I Am I Said". I particularly was drawn to the line saying I was lost between two shores. Neil was referring to New York and Los Angeles and I adapted it for me to signify being lost somewhere between being male and female.

The song's lyrics go on to say "I am, I said to no one there " I again felt the same way because I had no one to discuss my gender issues with other than the occasional therapist who went quickly through my life with little or no benefits until I reached a point much later in my life. In addition, the pressure to conform to the successful male life I was leading was intense. One of the few positives of my job was I was named a managerial training manager so I was able to take medium ranged business trips from my home in Ohio (yes I am from the much maligned Springfield) and travel by car to Lexington, Kentucky. Usually, I was asked once every six months to make the trip which I quickly saw as an opportunity to pack a few of my feminine items and cross dress. 

I usually worked it out with my second wife I was taking a second night at the company headquarters so I would not have to drive back at night. When I did, I was able to either cross dress and head out to one of the Lexington gay bars. It turned out, there were several back in those days, since the University of Kentucky is there. When I went out, at the least I didn't have to tell the chair or mirror I was actually someone feminine. On one occasion, I hit the jackpot and my training seminar just happened to coincide with Halloween. I thought ahead and when I packed away from my wife's prying eyes, I added a few slutty outfits to put together a Halloween "costume." The difference this Halloween was I was going to try my luck at going to a big straight club and not a gay venue. After a few wrong turns, I found the place and gathered my courage to go inside. Here I was dressed in an all black mini-dress with black heels, hose and blond wig doing my best to ignore all the guys pinching my behind as I walked across the dance floor, Since I needed to be up and fresh early the following morning, I needed to be back early to go to bed.

All along, I was learning what I was and was finding out the hard way what could happen if I dressed the wrong way. One night, I decided to stop at the halfway point on the way home which was Cincinnati. I got a hotel room and proceeded to seek out one of the more infamous gay bars in town for hookups, I thought since my black outfit worked so well before, I would try it again. This time, a very drunk guy at the bar tried to pick me up...until his wife showed up. I was embarrassed and was trying my best to back pedal from the whole situation when he made things worse by telling her why did she not have legs like mine. By this time, I headed for the restroom to hide and when I came out they were gone. As was the black outfit.

Through it all, all the lying I was doing to my wife was wrecking my moral code and when I asked who I was, I did not know. Which made the Diamond song so important to me. 

Finally, I did climb out of the pit I was in and was able to learn who I was but sadly was never able to reconcile my transgender life with my wife before she passed away. All along she was urging me to find myself and by the time I did, it was too late. I was no longer stuck between two gender shores. I had found myself and she was feminine.