Complacency

 

Summer Image with padding.
JJ Hart

As I did my best to transition from male to female there were many times I experienced moments of complacency.

It happened slowly enough as I kept throwing lifelines to myself so I could survive a life burdened with gender dysphoria. To add insult to injury, I was not gifted with feminine external attributes to help me along as I initially tried to make it in the world as my authentic inner self. Disguising my testosterone poisoned body was a total learning experience. Angles needed to be changed into curves using everything from pads to balloons to foam. Anything it took to perfect my image and avoid complacency. 

The main problem I had was I could not avoid all the years I had lived as a man. The male trip was never easy for me to learn and even a more difficult time to forget. I had survived and even flourished and now I was trying to give it all up and for what. To live as a woman which became an all encompassing goal. I would practice the best I could walking and moving as a feminine person. Even to the point of being called "Ma'am" when I was at work as a man. I figured it was because I projecting a feminine "aura" to the world and resolved to add the idea to my accessories when I was out in the world as a novice cross dresser or transgender woman. 

I started to project very strongly that I was a woman to any stranger I was interacting with. Along with looking them in the eye, I was able to be accepted for the first time as the person I wanted to be but I still had to guard in not letting up my guard and not slipping back into any of my old male ways. Just one time walking like a linebacker or not paying any attention to my new feminine communication skills could essentially ruin my whole day. It did not matter how much time, effort or money I put into my appearance, if I forgot who I was, nothing mattered. For years, my entire existence was still so fragile until I put in the years and work to tip my gender balance.

I can't say, even today I don't experience moments of complacency. It is easy when the cis-women my age and younger are for the most part very casual in their appearance. Ironically, when I see a woman in heels and hose in the grocery store dressed to the nines, my "trans-dar" goes up and I want to take a closer look. Perhaps the person could be part of the transgender or cross dresser sisterhood. 

Through it all, complacency or not I have never forgotten how the differences in female fashion is and was one of the fun parts of transitioning. No longer was I confined by the drab and boring male fashions. I had forever admired how the woman around me had the freedom to express themselves through fashion and now I could also.

On another topic, I attended two other LBGTQ support group virtual meetings recently. The groups moderator is a trans man and does a good job of keeping everyone involved. The group is very diverse and I was surprised to see a couple of the transgender participants seemingly have partially de-transitioned over the years. Plus I learned the Veterans Administration has finally approved electrologist visits under their care and my mammogram was approved after four tries. The main problem was the hospital I wanted it done at still had an old chart on me with my dead name so getting a new one was the problem. The VA needed to approve the process and did so my dead name information has been changed on yet another document. Progress is progress I guess.

At least I was not being complacent and stayed the course until I saw results.

How I Became a Lesbian

Image from V T on UnSplash

Looking back, perhaps I have always been a lesbian. 

When I had to live as a guy, I intensely studied everything female and I never considered having sex with another man until I transitioned much later in life. At that point, I was wondering if my sexuality would change when I started living as a transgender woman. It was a highly intensive personal topic I put off questioning until I could not put it off any longer. 

Then I had help from other women such as Amy who instructed me to buy bananas to practice with, without becoming too graphic. She left little to the imagination. Plus, the problem was, I still did not know if I wanted to be with a man sexually or not. The only thing I did know was, since I had started going out in public as a transgender woman, I was totally embraced by more women than men. Probably for two reasons. The first being many women were just curious what I was doing in their space. The second is that generally women are less uptight about their gender than men. Who are very insecure. I just knew, for a change, I was enjoying my life much more and I was much less lonely. 

Still, I was not interacting with card carrying lesbian women and still did not understand the layers of their society. I knew nothing of femmes, butches and even super butches not to mention baby dykes. There are probably more than I can remember such as soft studs. Slowly but surely, I began to learn all about this when I began to regularly frequent two lesbian bars in Dayton, Ohio. Sadly, they did not exist for a long period of time and before they had closed I had moved on to mainly big sports bars where I could watch the games. 

By pure coincidence in the sports bars, I ran into two lesbians. One was the Mom of a bartender I knew and the other was there to pick up a to go order and slid a note down the bar to me. Over time and amounts of beer we became friends and met often. Plus, at the same time, a super butch I knew asked me out for dinner before he actually transitioned into a transgender man. It was my first date with a man and I was very nervous as he was fond of telling me later. 

With all the lesbian interaction I was having, I had the chance to go to lesbian mixers they were going to. My confidence rose when I gained acceptance at most of the mixers. Even to the point of joining up with my future wife Liz and going to a roller girl event in Cincinnati. And, I forgot to mention, Liz and I met up on an on-line dating site under a woman seeking woman category. So yes, she is a lesbian too and our first date was to a drag show. 

Sadly now, most of the lesbian clubs and bars have closed and gone away, leaving a big gap in the LGBTQ world. Personally, through my interactions, I learned so much. Including my validation as a person did not have to come from a man. Plus I was entertained and made friends when I needed them the most. Liz and I are going on over a dozen years together and happy. Proving I was a lesbian all along. I was just waiting for my male self to get out of the way so I could totally express it.

It turned out my sexuality was never in question and I only kissed a few men to know the direction I wanted to go. I owe a debt of gratitude to all the women who accepted me.    

Is Being Trans all About You?

Image from Caroline Hernandez on UnSplash

 As I was embarking on a struggle with my second wife concerning me coming out as a transgender woman, we encountered plenty of problems. It was  during this time, she was fond of telling me my gender issues were not all about me.

Ironically, for the most part she was right. As I ventured more and more into the public's eye, all I thought about was the next opportunity I would have to go out as a woman. Then, when I had to go out as my boring, unwanted male self, I would become upset and get mad when I tried to internalize my thoughts. I have written before about the vacations I ruined when all I thought about was how I would spend them as a woman. 

Worst yet, I was jealous of the fact she had the body and life I wanted to have. I wanted her curves and soft skin and wanted her to make love to me as another woman. Which for the most part never happened. The whole process carried over into my life as a cross dresser or novice transgender woman. When ever I went out into the public, I felt as if every eye was on me. Which for the most part, was not the case. I found most of the public was just going about their everyday lives and could not care less about me and my issues. It took me years to learn I could just blend in for the most part into a feminine based society and basically just disappear

First, I had to work my way around the fact my male ego still controlled the way he wanted me to look. He wanted me to dress to thrill, which just turned out trashy and attracted unwanted attention. It was quite the learning experience and took awhile to accomplish because of one big reason. I wanted so badly to be a pretty woman but just couldn't accomplish it primarily because of my testosterone poisoned body. As far as anyone had ever told me, my legs were the only feminine part of my body I had to work with and my wife was no help because she never helped or complimented me on anything I did. Once again saying my attempts to be pretty were all about me.

When I could not disagree, I just became more frustrated and the pressure was on to do better as a femininized person...with or without her. It was at that point, I did my best to escape the house without her knowing and see the world through the eyes of a transgender woman. I was modestly successful and when, on the other hand, when she discovered what I was doing, huge fights happened. Fights, I never won, because I knew she was right. I was risking everything we had built to experience a new exciting but scary world. After I figured for sure I was indeed transgender, the pressure on me really began to build. On one hand, I suddenly could see a dream I wanted my entire life may be accessible but on the other, I would have to lose everything I had worked so hard for to grab it. It seemed life was so unfair but I could hear my parents telling me, no one ever said life had to be fair and I moved on.

Sadly, my wife passed away before I faced my truth with her and she knew it more than I did. On more than one occasion following a big fight she told me why did not I do us both a big favor and transition. For some reason, I followed the male way out and tried again and again to internalize my feelings until I was intensely unhappy. It seemed being trans was all about me until I finally came out and accepted myself.

When I did accept myself as transgender, I was able to see the world from a different viewpoint and learned to love the world and others more deeply than I ever had before.

Macho Remembered

Image from the Jessie Hart Archives

 I don't think I ever considered myself as a macho guy but then again, there were times I needed to be. 

Those were the times on the football field, in the Army
or when I was at work when my macho image worked to my advantage. Mainly because I needed it to. In fact, on occasion, I came to rely upon it to do better in life. On other occasions, my main macho props were cigars and beer. 

Interestingly, when I transitioned, I discovered a new side of macho. Very early on when I was coming out as a novice transgender woman, I shied away from any contact with a man I felt was macho. I thought he would recoil at any interaction with me. Slowly but surely, I learned none of it  rarely ever happened. For the most part the majority of all men tended to ignore me  anyhow and the pressure to succeed went away. 

The biggest example I can recall is the time I developed a friendship with a big bear of a guy at one of the venue's where I was a regular. He was part of a small group of diverse people I met on a weekly basis. While I was part of the group, the guy also fell victim to an ill-fated marriage to another member of the group, a long dark haired beauty who also was a hair dresser as well as part time exotic dancer. As you most likely can imagine the marriage just wouldn't work. What happened was, the remainder of the group basically shunned him. All except me. I gave him a shoulder to lean on. What I neglected to mention was the guy owned a classic motorcycle. Even though I was never really a fan of motorcycles, I could appreciate the inherent beauty of the machine and I could pass along my ideas to him.

It wasn't long before he came into the venue and ended up setting next to me to talk. He was the first macho guy I became comfortable with but sadly he moved on too soon when he transferred to another lumber yard in a neighboring town. I never had the chance to hitch a ride on the back of his classic bike. From him I learned confidence in my dealings with all men. Including the first time I was asked out to dinner from a transgender man. 

Which leads me to yet another different attraction I always felt when I was with a group of lesbians. If you don't know, lesbians range all the way from lipstick women to super butch lesbians. For whatever reason, I never had any problem attracting to and relating to the super butch spectrums of lesbian women. I have never been shy writing about the time the super butch cornered me and strongly suggested I sing karaoke with her. I very poorly did it and took off before she had any other chances to talk to me. 

Oddly, my interactions with macho guys also extended into the male gay community. When Liz and I went to Mardi Gras several years ago we ended up in a gay bar heavily frequented by "bears" or macho bearded large men. There, as well as several Prides we went to, I had "Bears" smile and speak to me. 

Perhaps it all has to do with the aura I project. I lived such a long portion of my life attempting to survive in a male world, I still have an in-depth knowledge of the culture. Which doesn't explain the paranoia I always felt when dealing with men. Perhaps I will never lose my fear. 

Finally, what I also learned was many men who project as macho really aren't in the toxic sense and they are more secure in their masculinity. Which makes them safer for all women... Cis-gender and transgender. We need more non toxic men.

The Million Dollar Girl

Image from UnSplash

Anyway you cut it, being transgender is an expensive situation. Most of us don't have a problem looking back, or currently are going through, changing gender wardrobes. I remember vividly trying to hide small amounts of money from my wife to add to my feminine wardrobe. Changing how you look externally can be expensive if you are a transgender woman or a transgender man. 

As it turns out, clothes are just the beginning as then the need for makeup came along. Again I remember sneaking out with my paper route money and buying lipstick and eye shadow. It was all so intimidating and managed to consume my meager funds, in a hurry. Even faster than I was trying to buy my treasures and get out of the store. Plus, don't get me started on the amount of money I spent on panty hose. Get them home and have them run on me almost immediately. 

Of course, the older I became, the need for and the resources for the best wigs I could find became a priority. The better clothes I could afford, the better I could look and blend in with my desired niche in society. For years I was mainly into business woman mode with heels and hose. I wouldn't leave home with out it. Finally I shifted gears and entered my boho fashion mode which was fun and natural as it brought back many of my fond memories of hippie girls during my days in the Army. 

As transgender became a term and surgeries became more mainstream, the cost of medical care was amazingly expensive. Years and battles would have to go by before various insurances began to help cover costs. Which to this day still is an issue. Surgeries became more frequent as well as complex, adding to the already expensive processes. All of a sudden, breast augmentation surgery became increasingly popular with cis and trans women alike. And, on the other side, transgender men were going through their own form of top surgery to remove unwanted breasts. 

After all of that, many decide to go through facial femininization surgery to permanently change the way they appear to the world. Naturally, it is very expensive and often painful too. When you add it all up, it is incredibly expensive to go through these major operations which are becoming more common with the people I know.

Myself, I decided long ago not to go with any surgery. The world would just have to adjust to who I was and I was secure in who I was. 

All in all, the entire process is yet another proof being transgender is not a phase or a choice. It takes a lot to be the million dollar girl...or man.     

Finding Yourself Through Gender

Ironically my post on having writer's block produced several very wonderful responses. The responses followed up on what should be a re-occurring theme. No matter how hard you try to assimilate yourself as the authentic gender of your choice of more importance is being yourself. Many times I have written how important it was to me to be accepted by other cis women during my transgender transition. 

All this time I have concentrated on confidence being your number one asset when you enter the world but being yourself could be more important. This first comment comes from Jamie Aileen through The Medium writers platform: 

" Learning to be a woman is so much more difficult when you are 70. But first, I want me to be just me!"

The second comes from Medium also from Logan Silkwood who is a transman and naturally approaches the subject from a different angle:

"

Yesterday, I looked in the mirror and saw myself briefly: an effeminate gay man. It’s a rare but lovely thing to get that validation from myself. In those moments, I realize I don’t need men to see me as a man. I simply am one. I’m me. 🏳️‍⚧️"

Specifically you novices are probably thinking this is all well said and good as you look forward to what seems like an endless road to a gender transition. But if you can, try to keep in mind you are finally receiving a very rare but difficult opportunity to shape a new human being who just happens to be you.  Second chances are so rare in life. 

From the Jessie Hart Collection

Yesterday, my partner Liz's son took us out to eat in our favorite Mexican restaurant which happens to be right around the corner. This is one of the few pictures we have taken recently before the margaritas arrived. Even though I think I show every bit of my 72 years in the picture, once again we had no problems being served. My gender wasn't questioned and no I wasn't I.D' d to prove I was old enough to drink. :) So in essence we were left again to just be ourselves. What's helping me now is with our diet and the effects of HRT, I can wear more form fitting clothes and not look like a clown.

In many ways I am the direct reversal of Logan.  When I look at a picture or a mirror I no longer see a very masculine man but on the other hand, I see a rather masculine woman who as you can tell wears very little makeup. 

The tragedy is I went through so many years of testosterone poisoning to get to where I am today. I can't say I can quote Helen Reddy and her song I am Woman but I can quote me and say "I am me."  

I "Stuck to It"

 Well, yesterday was my appointment at the Cincinnati Veterans Hospital to receive my first Covid-19 vaccine. As always, as first experiences go, it was an interesting time.

First of  all, the weather was cold (25 degree's F. )  so I had to plan ahead to make sure I was warmer outside until I arrived at where  I needed to provide a bare arm for the vaccine injection. What I finally decided on was to wear a loose fitting long sleeved sweater over a T-shirt so I could strip off the sweater for the vaccine. 

For the most part, the plan worked relatively well and I only dropped all my paperwork once. So I was able to slip out of my coat and sweater without too much of a problem. 

Overall, I respected the organization of the whole operation. At the door of the main entrance directing traffic was a person I thought was a transgender man, although it was tough to tell since they were wearing a mask. Then came the walk around the hallways until I finally arrived where the vaccines were actually being given. As I was being directed forward, I actually was only mis-gendered by two people out of approximately fifteen. Which I figured wasn't too bad considering how much work I didn't  put into what I was wearing. My sweater coat is not form fitting at all and I just wore jeans and boots. Plus, since I was wearing two masks, the only makeup I wore was on my eyes. 

Knock on wood, the best part so far is the only reaction to the vaccine so far is a slight itching in the arm.  

Plus, the best part is, my second vaccine is already scheduled for thirty days out in March. I was fortunate too it was just cold today as we are expecting close to or over a foot of snow over the the next several days. 

She Said What?

 Last night, being the glutton for punishment I am, I became involved in a rather lengthy discourse with a person on Facebook Messenger. 

Her profile stated she was a lesbian and her picture showed her to be a very butch one at that. 

Very quickly she asked if I was sitting down and told me she was considering a "sex change". About that time I wondered if she had read my profile at all. She asked if I was a lesbian and I said yes, a transgender lesbian who has been living with my lesbian partner for nine years now. 

Then we exchanged pictures and went into the fact she had a doctor's appointment in Denver in a couple days to determine if she could start testosterone patches. Having a mustache was her goal. I replied I have a very close transgender man friend who has attractive facial hair so she should too. 

Surprisingly, the whole conversation went easily until it was time to call it a night and go to sleep. I told her goodnight and turned my phone off. 

The real surprise came this morning came when I turned it back on and read her last message...good night "Buddy". Buddy? Really?

If I ever hear from her again, I will mention how many years it has been since anyone has ever called me Buddy. 

If and when she apologizes I might actually ask her what pronouns she prefers I use. 

I should also learn never to set my expectations too high. At the least though, I received input for another blog post. 

Sex is Power?

 Recently here in Cyrsti's Condo I wrote a post about the idea of why women (cis or trans) scare men so much. Essentially it is because sex is power and to many men, women hold most all of the power. After all, women are often stuck with raising children if unplanned pregnancy's occur. Along the way too, men end up perceiving women as possessions. 

Many women (again cis or transgender) eye being with a man as a validation of their femininity. I was guilty of that also when I started to date after coming out as transgender. Plus I thought if I could find a man to be with, I could present better as a woman in public. Ironically, my brief flirtation with men didn't last long after I found I was experiencing much more attention from women.

But through it all, I found sex was power as I pursued companionship with men on the newer dating sites which were springing up on that new found contraption called the internet. I don't want to remember how many times men were willing to flirt with me on line and just as willing to stand me up in person. After seemingly hundreds of contacts, I did experience several dates with above average men...including a couple way above. Including a transgender man. 

During it all, I was always acutely aware I was different and yet I was still able to sense the strong sexual attraction rarely between men and I and seemingly always with the women who were intrigued by me. So, sex was power.

Actually this whole post came about from this comment from Michelle:

"I have to agree with you about ego vs need to feel wanted. As for the complexity of the subject, it's somewhat simple in the way, women need to feel the emotions of wants and needs. We give ourselves freely in order to secure those emotions, with the hope that a man can live up to the responsibilities of providing the security. We need to understand that it isn't just for a one night stand but a long term commitment.

As for the sex drive portion, in today's society, it's because of several factors. One is that women have learned from our male counterparts that sex can be used to secure power. It can be used for both aggression as well as passiveness. The second factor is that we have been inundated, since the 60's, with people telling us that sex is the pleasure we need to maintain our sanity. In a way they are right since a woman's body does need that kick of hormones that sex gives us to help maintain a healthy body."

Thanks Michelle! One of these days we will have to examine the role high heels play in the gender power struggle. 

Being Trans Visible

It's election day and I am proud to say I haven't missed many elections over the years. I am sad to say I have witnessed a couple of very bad presidents in my lifetime. Nixon was one. I think you can figure out the other.

I am not going to dwell on politics though in this post. I have a couple of comments to get to as well as the experience of voting for the first time as my feminine transgender self. I was a little nervous when I did it but on the other hand couldn't wait to produce my brand new driver's license which said "F" in the gender category, rather than "M". The license was scanned and nothing was said. I was just given my ballot to cast. Wow! It felt good! I guess now, the bad part is voting as a woman has become very mundane.

Both comments indirectly touch on the mechanics of getting to the mundane part if you are considering exploring a life as your true self (transgender) or just feel an affinity to dress as the opposite gender (cross dresser).

The first comes from Dawnautom who reads most of my posts on the WordPress blog platform:

 "Over the years I've talked to hundreds of transgender people all over the world most loved it when they could get out as them selves but a few found it felt to weird to be out in public like that. We're all different in how it affects us, some it has no effect on others spend their whole life in the closet. 

 I'm happy for you that your able to get out and be your self, I think the biggest problem we face is self love and confidence ones you master that everything else is down hill ( so to speak )."

Looking back, I can see how someone would think it was weird to go through a sudden change of gender privilege . In fact, at the last cross dresser - transgender support group meeting, a young trans man was explaining the difference approach society uses when dealing with different genders. 

The second comment comes from Connie:

"I believe that many, if not most, trans women go through a stage where their choice of feminine presentation is based on what they think a man would find appealing. I would take that one step further and say that it is often the case that the man they are seeking to please is themselves. After all, especially when one is closeted, the only man who will see "her" is "himself." Presenting oneself as a bit of a slut in public, though, does not necessarily garner the kind of attention her inner feminine-self was looking to receive. 

There's a reason that moms warn their children about this kind of woman - not marriage material. It's not that marriage is the goal of every trans woman, but it is that more-conventional kind of woman many of us transition toward. Gender dysphoria, I think, is on a spectrum and can vary for each of us, just as gender does itself. Gender expression can be a manifestation of one's perceived gender, the dysphoria, or both. For me, it's been as though my perceived feminine-self were the angel on my right shoulder, while the dysphoria sat like the devil digging his claws into the left. The more I listened to the sweet words of the angel, though, the less of a hold the dysphoric one had on me. I still like to wear my high heels, but the devil does not make me do it! :-)"

I agree gender dysphoria is also on a spectrum along with gender and sexuality. Good point!

Thank you both for your thoughtful comments!

A Quiet Week Turns Busy!

It turns out when I was laying out my week's worth of activities, I left out two important ones.

Thursday night was Liz and I's monthly visit to one of the cross dresser-transgender social club's dinner meetings. It's held in a pleasant little restaurant across the river in Newport, Kentucky which features (among other items) a very good bison burger. What I like about it too is the noise level is low enough you can have conversations with more than one person.

A smaller than average group showed up, normally, it is well over twenty. Last night it down to around twelve. Not much out of the ordinary happened except one cross dresser bragging about a licensed concealed weapon she was carrying. The same cross dresser who managed to mis gender another cross dresser at the end of the table twice.

Mention was made concerning the Cincinnati Transgender Day of Visibility. Which will be here before we know it on March 31st.

This morning was one of my favorite appointments, my hair dresser. As you may or may not remember, she is the one with the teenage transgender son. As always, the time went all too quickly and she made my hair look great.

Necklace by "Liz T Designs"

This is an older picture which closely approximates the way it looks.

Along the way, we chatted about how HRT was effecting me and why I looked better since the last time she saw me. I explained part of it was because I was wearing form fitting leggings and a light weight pastel blue sweater. Both of which are capable of showing off more of a feminine figure without any kind of padding. For whatever reason, I have always preferred a more natural feel and wearing the minimum of under garments. Finally, my hormones are beginning to shape me into having hips of my own.

Unfortunately, she told me the story of how her son (a 14 year old) had his heart broken when he lost his girl friend. Because he was trans and because of her Mother of course. So sad.

The topic led us right into politics and all too soon, the end of a wonderful hour of my life.

Saturday Night

We did end up going out last night for a special dinner for a visitor from Oregon. Jennifer (the visitor was delightful). We ended up sitting right across from her in the group of twelve. I asked her if she knew Connie in Seattle :).

The gathering included Liz and I, one transgender guy and nine other transgender and/or cross dressers there. Oh, and I forgot, one lesbian. Subtract one of the cross dressers to keep the math straight. (No pun intended.)

A good time was had by all beginning with a neighboring table buying us two bottles of wine before one of them left. Maybe he was a closeted cross dresser himself? At any rate, he set the wine drinkers at the table up for success.

In addition, to our table, the staff of the restaurant was very nice and some of us are bordering on becoming regulars. It is still relatively chilly around here, so I wore one of my usual sweater/leggings outfits.

After dinner, we came home and most of the other attendees went to an Irish Pub to enjoy a bit of St. Patrick's  Day festivities.

Oh, to be young again!

Cosmo Girl?

As I have mentioned previously here in Cyrsti's Condo, I have become a regular reader of "Cosmopolitan Magazine." Of all places, I started to read it in my waiting rooms at the Veteran's Administration. I started out as a skeptic, wondering what in the world I have in common with all these impossibly skinny and beautiful young women...but not all as you can see in the picture.

Along the way though, I found all these wonderful articles on what women feel, mostly about the world of men. I even found an article celebrating the virtues of dating a transgender man!

Every now and then too, I read a reaffirming article on makeup. For example, I found out I was applying my blush the correct way. Over a fresh coat of foundation.  I never felt there was any other way all these years. Even though I don't consider myself anywhere close to the cutting edge in makeup application, I seem to find an idea or two in every issue.

FYI...a whole years subscription to Cosmo costs me less than fourteen dollars.

A small price to pay to give me yet another look at what I have missed in the world of cis-women.

I need all the help I can get!

To Be or Not to Be

Last night's social was as as successful as it usually is. The only difference came when when I was waiting for Liz outside the women's room when we were ready to leave. As I was sitting on a stool, an attractive cis woman and her friend came out of the bathroom. We briefly exchanged glances and she smiled and said Hi and reached out and touched me. First I was flattered, then I was slightly depressed I was read as being transgender. More on that later.

Before all of that happened, I was observing one of the trans men at the table. Normally he is very affable but last night, he was very uptight for some reason. This morning he said on his Facebook page he has been suffering anxiety from his gender dysphoria.

I felt somewhat the same way this morning as I looked in the mirror. All of the sudden I wondered just how in the hell I got here. Living full time as a trans woman. Then, I flashed back to last night and the cis woman who reached out to me so briefly. She took me back to the days when I was first trying to find my place in a feminine world.

As I normally do, I kept thinking in fact, I know how I got here. I was born into it and have/had no choice in the matter, no matter how hard I fought.

I'm fortunate, I can keep my gender dysphoria to a minimum. Simply by living it.

Being in my present is completely superior to living in my "not to be" past.

Spooky

One of our old cars seemingly knows when we have some extra money, so it can break down. So today I had to cancel going to one of my transgender support groups. It wasn't such a difficult decision since the weather forecast is calling for a possible mix of rain and snow all day today. Plus a chance of the dreaded freezing rain.

We still managed to go out to dinner last night after dropping the car off at the mechanic's place. Nothing spectacular happened out of place as the place was nearly empty and we have been there many times before. I was wearing one of my sweaters and jeans and light makeup since I wasn't planning on going there anyhow. Close to what I was wearing a couple nights ago when we went into pick up Liz's son at the drugstore where he was getting off from work. Where something did happen.

At the front counter, was a guy and his teen aged son checking out and he nearly broke his neck turning around to look at me. He felt the need to turn completely around to stare at me. I looked, and per norm, his much younger son was paying me no attention at all. I thought the old man was going to say something but he didn't.

On the positive side, I finally had the chance to meet the transgender guy who works there and that was fun. He is the one who has the "he and his" pronouns written on his name tag.

Such is life!

An Ordinary Transgender Life?

If you are not aware, Connie has been around since the inception of Cyrsti's Condo, some seven years ago and in fact, urged me to write a blog. So, she is in a great spot to send in this comment:

"Your last two posts show your trans life to be extraordinarily ordinary. That's great! We'll always be trans women, but day to day living should not have to be centered on the "trans" part of it. It's a long way to have come since those days when being trans was almost an obsession, don't you think?"

I do think you are right and in some senses, can't believe it is true!

An example was this weekend when Liz and I went to one of a zillion fall festivals happening around here and "happened" to see at least two other transgender persons, one woman...one man. 

It was a great sign that "ordinary" is good!!!!

Thanks Connie. 

A Pleasant Surprise!

Yesterday as Liz and I were doing some quick grocery shopping, we looked up and noticed a transgender woman manager in the store! (Krogers)

Plus, her son works at a Walgreen's which has hired a transgender man at their store. It was interesting as her son was arguing "CeCe" was a girl until Liz pointed out the pronoun guidance words of "he/him" on his name tag.

Sometimes I do believe we have come such a long way as a transgender community, only to have the disappointment of the military trans troop ban slap me back into reality.

Hopefully the courts will be able to win the day!

Can't help but wonder when and if "45" (Rump) will come after the care of trans vets.

Sad.

Trans Ohio Part II

It's interesting to me that looking back on the Trans Ohio Symposium, workshop wise, I basically only remember the poor presentations except for one (by a transgender man) on positive and negative attitudes as you transition.

Being a history degree holder in college, I should have known better than to even try to go to the "Trans History" presentation as most history professors obtained their degrees by excelling in making paint dry. (That interesting!) I envisioned the person who lectured us as one of those undergraduate profs at The Ohio State University who teach (?) those huge courses with a microphone and "Power Point" screen.

Oh well, another hour out of my life I won't get back. Connie, though had a thought for next year:

"It sounds as though you need to think about filling the trans history slot for next year's symposium. You are, after all, both a historian and a transgender woman. I've thought about doing something like that, but I'm afraid I'd come across more as an "add junk" professor (it wouldn't be boring, anyway:-)"

Liz and I have been talking about coming up wit a more interactive workshop. Hopefully expanding on the participants knowledge in the room and calling it something like "It's been a Dark Closet, A Half Century of Transition."

Thanks Connie, I too can add my share of junk :).

I am thinking too of taking this all a step further and volunteering to help with the whole symposium after I found out how active Trans Ohio has been on the state wide scene. But we will have to see on that as there already is a representative from the Cincinnati area.

One way or another, the call for presenters for next year's event is only about six to eight months away, which will slip by before I know it! 

Surreal?

Literally years ago before I embarked down my HRT journey, I read one man's comment that he would love to have his own breasts so he could play with them.

I am to the point now I understand where he was coming from...almost. After three plus years on the estrogen patch and spiro testosterone blocker, I have developed an unmistakable pair of feminine breasts, not man boobs.

I have written HRT posts before and received feedback such as I was bragging, or (the best yet), just another old guy on hormones.

What I have learned is, I have developed a very thick skin in addition to all the other HRT changes. As a matter of fact, I was crying during transgender man Zeke Smith's outing on Survivor the other night. Most times I am crying internally because I am watching it at all, but Liz likes it.

The whole Mtf gender transition process continues to be surreal for me. I am the first to admit I am dazzled by the external and internal effects of the hormones. For some reason over the years, I have continued to sleep in over sized The Ohio State T's until Liz bought me a pair of soft silky jammies which say "Live the LIFE you's DREAMED of."

How appropriate! And, probably more than she will ever know. When I wake up in the morning now, more than ever before, I feel the effects of my femininity.

I continue to thank the Goddess for my health to be able to take this trip at all and I feel at any time my doctors will tell me I have to stop for any number of other health reasons at my age.

But, until then I must enjoy everyday the best I can. If I take the time to look closely, it is all so surreal!

Did "Zeke" Survive?

Yesterday I wrote the "Spoiler" post on the recent "Survivor" episode which unexpectedly outed a transgender man who was actually back for another try on the show. First of all, hell yes he survived because all of us trans folk are survivors!

I received two comments plus I added the Yahoo News post: " On Wednesday night’s episode of “Survivor,” the world watched as one contestant outed another as transgender.

During an emotional tribal council with the group, Jeff Varner turned to fellow contestant Zeke Smith and asked, “Why haven’t you told anyone here that you’re transgender?”

“Survivor” host Jeff Probst spoke exclusively with Yahoo Global News Anchor Katie Couric about his reaction.

Zeke Smith

“Everybody there had to replay in their head what they had just heard. I was the same way; I think Zeke was the same way,” Probst said. “It was a moment of ‘this just happened… I did hear what I think I just heard.’”

And the comments here on Cyrsti's Condo:

From Connie:

1. And then the show outed him to the whole world! The "reality" of the show is highly edited to the point of being unreal (or surreal, if they want it to be so). I don't watch the show, but I read that Probst thought the outing to be surreal, and the rest of the "cast" was appalled by the outing. I imagine they made that clear in the final edit. I hope the trans guy was OK with it all. If so, we can all take heart in the fact that the show has given a lesson to millions that it's not OK to out a trans person. It doesn't hurt their ratings with all of the hoopla, either.
2. And:
3. 
   Jeni SkunkApril 13, 2017 at 5:31 PM

   "I read the news article on this, on Gay Star News.
   Whilst these unreality TV shows have never been on my viewing list, it's interesting to read of how this one did play out during filming, near on 8 months ago"

I am sure the "editors" on Survivor played this up for all it was worth, but the fact still remains Zeke wanted to play the game as a man...not a trans man. Which I thought was important for the audience to understand. 

Plus the fact still remains that we (transgender women and trans men) still are an oddity of sorts, but even still we should not be the ones tossed under the bus for being trans. 

Whatever the editing, the punishment was swift and the other guy was sent home.