How I Became a Lesbian

Image from V T on UnSplash

Looking back, perhaps I have always been a lesbian. 

When I had to live as a guy, I intensely studied everything female and I never considered having sex with another man until I transitioned much later in life. At that point, I was wondering if my sexuality would change when I started living as a transgender woman. It was a highly intensive personal topic I put off questioning until I could not put it off any longer. 

Then I had help from other women such as Amy who instructed me to buy bananas to practice with, without becoming too graphic. She left little to the imagination. Plus, the problem was, I still did not know if I wanted to be with a man sexually or not. The only thing I did know was, since I had started going out in public as a transgender woman, I was totally embraced by more women than men. Probably for two reasons. The first being many women were just curious what I was doing in their space. The second is that generally women are less uptight about their gender than men. Who are very insecure. I just knew, for a change, I was enjoying my life much more and I was much less lonely. 

Still, I was not interacting with card carrying lesbian women and still did not understand the layers of their society. I knew nothing of femmes, butches and even super butches not to mention baby dykes. There are probably more than I can remember such as soft studs. Slowly but surely, I began to learn all about this when I began to regularly frequent two lesbian bars in Dayton, Ohio. Sadly, they did not exist for a long period of time and before they had closed I had moved on to mainly big sports bars where I could watch the games. 

By pure coincidence in the sports bars, I ran into two lesbians. One was the Mom of a bartender I knew and the other was there to pick up a to go order and slid a note down the bar to me. Over time and amounts of beer we became friends and met often. Plus, at the same time, a super butch I knew asked me out for dinner before he actually transitioned into a transgender man. It was my first date with a man and I was very nervous as he was fond of telling me later. 

With all the lesbian interaction I was having, I had the chance to go to lesbian mixers they were going to. My confidence rose when I gained acceptance at most of the mixers. Even to the point of joining up with my future wife Liz and going to a roller girl event in Cincinnati. And, I forgot to mention, Liz and I met up on an on-line dating site under a woman seeking woman category. So yes, she is a lesbian too and our first date was to a drag show. 

Sadly now, most of the lesbian clubs and bars have closed and gone away, leaving a big gap in the LGBTQ world. Personally, through my interactions, I learned so much. Including my validation as a person did not have to come from a man. Plus I was entertained and made friends when I needed them the most. Liz and I are going on over a dozen years together and happy. Proving I was a lesbian all along. I was just waiting for my male self to get out of the way so I could totally express it.

It turned out my sexuality was never in question and I only kissed a few men to know the direction I wanted to go. I owe a debt of gratitude to all the women who accepted me.    

Going Back

Image of Liz on left and Daughter on right
from the Jessie Hart Archives.

 Recently I read a rather sad post from a person who was giving up her gender transition and going back to her original life. 

Even though I consider myself very fortunate in how my gender path turned out, I could understand the facts the person mentioned when it came to her new life. Among other things, the person related experiences which have haunted many of us following a transition. Such as having problems with loneliness, finances etc. So many transgender women are stuck in their houses, often with just having a computer to provide any contact with the outside world. This de-transitioner was older and provided a picture which showed a very presentable senior woman. My heart broke when I saw her image, I just can't imagine going back after putting so much work towards accomplishing a goal. Perhaps it is because I tried so hard and risked so much when I crossed the gender frontier. Plus, possibly for one of the few times in my life when I ever set specific goals, I was able to achieve what I set out to do. 

One of the major differences I saw when I read the post was how I approached the gender goals I was attempting to accomplish than most others. One of the examples was how I approached on-line dating services. I went all in with three or four services with the usual results of receiving tons of trash back in the process. I tried everything such as woman seeking woman to man seeking man. Amazingly, when I was giving up, some how I ended up meeting my current wife Liz who lived within driving distance in Cincinnati, a city I had always loved. That happened over ten years ago and it all started with a date to a drag show. As an aside, Liz identified as a lesbian witch so I was intrigued. 

In addition, the lucky move I made to create a new social life came when I decided to not go to anymore male gay venues and decided to go to the sports orientated big venues I was used to. I figured if I was going to risk being discriminated against, I might as well go to a place where I could enjoy myself. The gay bars aggravated me because I was always treated as a drag queen. What I don't recommend is the amount of alcohol I consumed along the way. On the other hand, I ended up meeting several other women in the venues who became friends. 

Very quickly, going back in my transition never had to be an option. By the time I decided to go all the way as a transgender woman, I knew my daughter would support me as well as Liz and my small circle of friends. As I made the final slide down the gender slope my landing turned out to be very soft. Even still, my heart goes out to those who are considering going back. Perhaps the whole experience could be thought of an ultimate experience which failed. Or maybe, they just wanted their old male privilege's back. 

Then again reversing my life again would be unthinkable because I would be so unhappy. I am afraid the person who did decide to go back would never be happy on either side of the binary gender border. 

Giving Thanks

Well, in my family, Thanksgiving Day has come and gone ushering in the commercial frenzy of Christmas (which if I live long enough, will start on Labor Day in September!) Yes, there was also the too bountiful meal with bunches of kids, way too serious discussions on politics and sports.

I have become in many ways the androgynous patriarch of the family who lost my significant inheritance in a failed business and a wife of 25 years. Nearly eight years ago, around Thanksgiving.

I used to be the "elephant" in the room with my transgender secret that most of the family thought they had an inkling of. In the past, I had a tendency to just be passive in my participation, not knowing from one year to the next when my androgyny would lead to a full time "hey look at me Thanksgiving."

The fun part this year was interacting with several of the older grand kids (12-17 year old range).  Of course I already knew how incredibly diverse my two oldest grand kids are but I didn't know about my brother's 17 year old grand daughter. Along the way, we were able to duck the political speeches and talk about her studies of different religions such as Islam, Buddhism and Hindu. She didn't know that in another life in Thailand, I was best "man" in a Christian/Buddhist wedding and considered myself "follower" of the religion until Liz began to interest me in earth based religions. As it turns out she hasn't been "polluted" by a parenting system who has encouraged her to think.

My 13 year old grand daughter doesn't say much but my 10 year old oldest grandson does...and stuck near my side most of the day.  To catch you up, he is the one who had a very out gay man for a fourth grade teacher a couple years ago. Not so long ago he proudly announced to my daughter how proud he was of me coming out as gay. My daughter said "not gay-transgender" and proceeded to explain the difference.  Fortunately, he seemed to become even more inquisitive about me.  Yesterday we had a quick conversation on a serious side about how he has ran into a few anti-Jewish remarks in his sixth grade class.  I said unfortunately haters are lurking around everywhere and told him about my encounter with "GSB" (gender slur bitch) as my example.

Being who I am too, I tried to get my daughter to let him and his younger brother come watch The Ohio State-Michigan football game Saturday with the family.  He would surely learn how hyper sports fans can reel off a set of cuss words in a record minimum time.  For those of you who don't know, "the game" is nearly a holiday here in Ohio.  As far as my leanings go, all you have to do is look at the picture above. It was taken last May at the Trans Ohio Symposium in The Ohio State Student Union with mascot "Brutus Buckeye."

So, today presents itself as a brief respite before "the game" at noon tomorrow and "the drag show" Saturday night.  More on that in a later Cyrsti's Condo Post!

Don't You JUST Hate This?

Your commute is destroyed by...a pissed off rampaging drag queen?  Just imagine what your local traffic reporter would say?  Don't go that way!  Stay back and you don't have to tip the queen to get through!

I'm fairly sure I've seen a few drag queens who looked like they were close to that tall in their heels!

I saw a queen do a back flip in heels one night and about swallowed my beer bottle!

Not real feminine!

Loss of Innocence

Over the years I have watched several drag shows where the drag queens came out later, out of drag.  I must say I was sort of disappointed when my illusion was shattered.  I'm the last person you would think who wouldn't know the drag queen was an illusion.  I suppose too I was always on the outlook for a trans person in the show who I could identify with later.  I don't watch many drag shows though and it has been years since I have seen a real live transgender woman who obviously was on HRT, get up on the stage and perform.

The video I'm passing along on the Cyrsti's Condo big screen goes into the same category. Perhaps you have seen Heidi Phox on YouTube or other places on the web.  She is and has always been gorgeous.  I always wondered though in some spots she identifies as a cross dresser and a transgender woman in others.  I understand now after watching this transformation video.  I give her all the credit in the world for doing it!

Cyrsti's Condo "Sunday Edition" Front Cover

Here we go again, Thanksgiving week is behind us and the legal Christmas season is allowed to start. We have a lot to cover this week!

Entertainment Section:

Last night I was the social "butterfly" and made stops at two events. The first was at the Rubi Girls Show in Dayton, Ohio, compliments of my daughter.  I have mentioned this group before and hesitate to even call their work "drag shows".  Drag "production" is a far better word.  The Rubi Girls don't perform much but have been around for years and have raised over a million dollars for AIDS research. One of them was even my oldest grandson's teacher last year.  That fact alone would seemingly make me biased but with the Rubi Girls I don't have to be.  They are absolutely the funniest and most enjoyable drag group in our area.  If you have a chance to see them...DO IT!

Also last night was the Equality Springfield Ohio show/fundraiser.  I took off from the Rubi Girls and made it in time to finish my evening close to home.  What the Equality bunch lacked in "stage" talent, the group made up for in plain old hospitality.  If you remember, I started attending meetings last Spring and announced I seemingly was the invisible transgender woman in town because they never even went to the "T" in G & L.  From then on I was welcomed with open arms and last night was even more special because I was able to point out to them, there were two more "T's" in the house.  My transgender girlfriend Racquel and her boyfriend Draco (transgender man).  The event was well attended and was held in a small gay venue called Diesel's in Springfield (Ohio).

As closing time drew near, the "butterfly" or beat up moth,  had to fold her wings and head home,  What I didn't mention was, what I was doing before all of this.


Sports Section:  Yesterday was the titanic grudge football battle between The Ohio State University and those "Woverini's" up north.  Most of you know, yes I am one of millions of overbearing Buckeye fans.  Yes, Buckeye Nation is huge and want's you all to know "Don't hate us because we win and win and win." Regardless of all of that, the "other team" played well and set off more than a couple celebrations when Ohio State scored and finally won - including a shot of moonshine.  at my brothers house.  If you aren't familiar with "The Shine" follow the link above for more information but the short description is a clear very high alcohol proof liquor made just south of us in Kentucky and other points south of Ohio...legally and illegally.

The game started at noon and five shots later around four, I was scrambling for any food I could find to calm the beer and moonshine buzz and get started on my evening! I did and was safe doing it but the only thing I can say is, "I'm too damn old for days like yesterday!"

Commentary section:

Im going to bring the mood down and feature a very sad and alarming post from the blog "Raising my Rainbow" called "When The Boys' Room Isn't Safe For A Boy": Here's an excerpt:

My son is six and a half years old. He’s been potty trained with nary an accident since exactly his third birthday. Last week, in his first grade classroom, he peed his pants. He sat in his urine until the dismissal bell rang. His pants were soaked and cold when he got out of school. He was uncomfortable and he smelled. He didn’t want anybody to know. It was his secret. He started crying in the car. “I’m so ashamed of myself,” he said over and over again. Tears rolled down his face, even though he willed them not to. He couldn’t hold them back. 

Come to find out, my son — with his long auburn hair, pink and purple fitted clothes, feminine backpack and wrist full of rainbow-colored loom bracelets – is terrified to use the boys’ bathroom at school. photo 1On his first visit to the boys’ bathroom, he headed straight for the safety of the stall. Boys started peeking through the cracks in the stall to see if he was going pee or poop. Pooping at school is an embarrassment. He avoided the bathroom for as long as he could. The next time he had to go, he, again, walked straight to the stall. He locked the door behind him. He lifted the toilet seat lid and unzipped his pants. He could hear them talking. He could hear them looking. He turned around. Boys were peeking through cracks again. This time they were trying to see his genitals. They wanted to know if my son has a penis or a vagina. 

I talked to my mom about it. Weeks ago she left her bible study in tears. A fellow church-going Christian claimed to have insider information and knew that my son was using the girls’ bathroom at school. There would be hell to pay when “everybody else” found out about it. My son isn’t using the boys’ bathroom, he’s not using the girls’ bathroom, he’s hardly using a bathroom at all. I worry every day. Going to the bathroom should be the easiest part of the school day. But, for my son, it’s not. 

For the entire story, go here.

This story is all so more tragic because of the youth of the child involved.  Sadly, I too know all so well the paranoia of planning my activities on the availability of "safe bathrooms" , fluid intake and even certain meds which encourage peeing. Last night was a perfect example at the Rubi Girls show. Before I left I was sure if I had to go or not but if I did would I get in trouble for using the women's room? The reason being, like it or not, I could have been tossed into the drag queen category. Last night none of them were using the women's room so I ended up heading on home with no problems and not creating a potential scene.

Knock on wood,  the more I transition, the fewer restroom problems I have had but I think the paranoia may linger forever.

Well kids, that is going to do it for this version of the Cyrsti's Condo "Sunday Edition" hope you have a great week!

A "Gem" of an Evening

If you have been following any of my "Pride" area event listings here in Cyrsti's Condo, perhaps you remember me mentioning the Yellow Springs, Ohio second annual event last weekend.

To give you a little background on Yellow Springs, it's located maybe 20 miles from Dayton, south of Springfield and is the original hippie village. It was no huge surprise then when the organizers put together a wonderful event topped off by a performance by the Rubi Girls. You have read me rave about them before and I was really excited to see the show.

As luck would have it, I met another friend at Peaches in Yellow Springs about an hour or so before the show and even then barely got a seat.

If you live in the Dayton, Ohio area-this is a must see drag show. In fact I hesitate to even call it a drag show. Not very many drag queen wannabes are covering "The a Morning After", a touch of the "Love Boat" and even "MacArthur Park". I was laughing so hard, I was glad there was a nearby bathroom-in case I had to pee.

By the way, Peaches gets props for a gender neutral bathroom up front. I'm not sure about the ones in the back. PLUS, please note Peaches is not a drag show bar.

 The Rubi Girls are much more than just a drag show plus they have donated over a million dollars over the years to fight AIDS. Talk about good karma!

For more information follow the links to The Rubi Girls and Peaches above!

Nights in Columbus

Getting back to last weekend at the Trans Ohio Symposium, following the mental stress of my workshop my girlfriend and I thought maybe naps would be in order before we hit the streets of Columbus.  As I wrote in a previous post, the mental stress came from both of us listening to me! I also considered I was suffering from the symptoms of "low testosterone" Oh wait-I am according to my endocrinologist.

Saturday evening a show was planned at a venue called Wall Street Nightclub in downtown C-bus.  I have always been fond of Wall Street as it was one of my first places I went coming out of the closet before the days of electric light. Once again, the venue and the show did not disappoint. The acts were creative and crossed all ends of the gender spectrum. In fact sometimes it was difficult to figure out who was who doing what. A real pleasant change from the usual drag show!

Another difference was the timing of the show. It actually started on time at nine and was over by 11 and the club was being transformed into a huge dance floor.

Truthfully, girlfriend and I are not going to be seen on Dancing with the Stars anytime soon, so I suggested we go back to Club Diversity where we went the night before. My idea turned out to be one of the true bright ones I have happened upon in a while.

As in the night before, we found seats towards the end of the bar where the entertainer was just going nuts singing an Elton John medley on a piano. We didn't hesitate and dropped a few sheckles into his tip jar immediately!  Even more impressive was his obvious joy in performing. Then unbelievably,  the music only got better when a guy with a saxophone showed up. He joined in for a few more tunes to delight of all. We were certainly at the right place at the right time!

I figure it's always good to log in a positive score or two in the idea department to go with all those pesky negative's I seem to accumulate at a record pace!

As good times always do though, the two hours of music and fun went by in seemingly two minutes and it was time to go back to the hotel and look forward to the final phase of the weekend!

Female Impersonator History

Here we go transgender (excuse me!) drag history buffs!

(left) The first Miss Gay America Pageant - Center-Charlie Brown, First Runner Up.Miss Gay America 1971- Norma Kristie (All photos from the private collection of Jerry Peek)

From the Out and About Magazine:

"All across the country people are discovering the art of female impersonation, and drag shows are doing big business in most major US cities and many smaller towns. RuPaul’s Drag Race has brought attention to the art form to the masses, and drag is appealing to a wider variety of audiences than it has in years".

"The Miss Gay America pageant is unique in that all contestants must be biologically male. No transgender performers, and no drag artists taking female hormone therapies or having undergone cosmetic surgeries below the neck are allowed to compete. Long-time pageant owner Norman Jones is acknowledged as the force behind the success of MGA, owned since 2005 by Larry Tyger and Terry Eason, but without its creator, Nashville native Jerry Peek, the respected competition would not exist today."

For more of this drag history piece go here.

2012 a Transgender Odyssey

As I look back on a very active and exciting year in my gender journey, I thought a time line may be appropriate to attempt to put the year in focus:

New Years Eve 2012...took my first Estrogen and Spiro. HRT begins.
February...Breast changes starting.
March...My private Doctor increased minimum Estro dosage and told me he was changing practices- not good as I was to find out. The VA would not pay for his services.
Skin going through amazing changes. Discovered the value of taking a bath in 10w-30 oil to take care of it.  Woman aren't just being girly with all their skin products they are a necessity!
May...VA told me there was no in house specialist to prescribe my meds but they would continue to fill them. That sounds better than it was because I had "hit the wall" with my changes and I wanted more. So, I scheduled another VA therapist appointment to pursue options..which she did and told me the magic word "Patient Advocate". At that point I decided if the system is supposed to take care of my needs, I would fight to get them..
June...I pleaded my case with a "patient advocate".. She was positive I would get the outside treatment! But...
July...estro and spiro running out. Still stuck in the VA bureaucracy. Found out my body had it's own new summertime furnace but experienced the true need (and fun) of short sleeved and sleeveless feminine fashion. Women just aren't showing off. They need all the cooling they can get.
August...New in house VA Endo Doc refused to see me. VA agreed to keep my Meds coming until I could get approved for an outside Doc. Problem was the meds were half what I was taking.
September...outside Doc finally approved.
October...BIG MONTH!
Saw the new Doc and he renewed my older Estro prescription to begin the serious changes again.
My Daughter gave me a birthday gift to get my hair colored and done at her hair salon. Quite possibly the biggest change to my girl self outside of starting HRT.
Last but not least, went on a mini 4 day trip with a girlfriend- all as a woman.
November...rediscovered the pleasure of doing drag again in a gay bar as a transgender woman. It was truly fun. Met two new friends whom I still chat with and see.
Went to benefit AIDS drag show with my daughter and 6 of her girlfriends...as a girl for the first time ever.
December..
Whew! I found out why women are always cold. My furnace broke down when I needed it!
The month came and went with me butching it up and having a great time at my family's get together knowing full well most of them know my "secret".
New Years Eve...heading out with my friend who started it all with me last year and planning a great evening.

Finally, 2012 was an incredible year. From my old friends to my new ones, I have much to be grateful for.
Perhaps a statement I heard many times from all my genetic girlfriends rings true: "Welcome to our world!"
I am!
Again, thanks so much for being along for this fantastic ride in Cyrsti's Condo. There is no way I could have ever imagined arriving here.
All the best to All of you in 2013!!!

Cyrsti

And...A New Era Begins

This post is the continuation of the family Thanksgiving story I recently passed along.

As you may know or remember, my daughter has been a huge proponent of my transgender transition and my son in law has followed.

Before she and the grand kids took off last night my daughter took me off guard by insisting I join her and her girlfriends at a special show they attend every year by the "Ruby Girls" drag act where we live. Let me point out while I'm out to her and she has seen pictures of me we have never been together one on one.

After my brief panic attack subsided, I decided it was time again to "hitch up my big girl panties" and do it. Hell yes my daughter and I at a drag show and her friends? Scratch the panic and get on with the fun.

Let the new Era begin with a flourish!