Answering the Call

 

Image from Alexey Elfimov on UnSplash.

On occasion I am sorry to say it took me over a half a century to answer my gender call. But thankfully, I finally did take the call and listen to the urgent message. 

Please keep in mind I don't count all the years I attempted to cross dress my gender issues away. As I often write about, all cross dressing did was provide me with a quick fix. After I dressed as a girl, I felt better for a while before the same old tensions of life with gender dysphoria set in. The problem was, deep down I knew I wanted to do so much more than look feminine, I wanted to be feminine. 

One of the few good things which came from my gender struggles was practice made perfect. Even though I knew I was the only one who could see my progress with makeup and clothes, I stuck with trying to improve every time I cross dressed. It was so difficult for me since I only had the mirror to answer to when checking out my progress. The problem was the mirror was so good in telling me everything, but the truth and I tried to keep in mind I might look good, for a boy in drag. Not as an actual girl. In other words, I learned I needed to hold myself to a higher level than other cis women I observed if I was to survive among them. 

The entire process was so difficult for me since I had never been detailed orientated in my life. Just getting by was not going to be the way to go. I was fortunate when I encountered professionals in the makeup world who helped me along. One in particular came following a transvestite-transgender party mixer I attended near Cleveland, Ohio years ago. After the mixer slowed down, the organizers provided several makeup professionals to provide free tips to whoever had the nerve to ask. On that evening, I am happy I put my ego behind me and answered the call for much needed makeup assistance. The catch was I needed to remove all my makeup and wig and let the professional start over. His work and results were amazing, and I even understood all the tips he was trying to tell me. The end result was I was flooded with compliments and my gender euphoria soared to an all-time high. Furthermore, later on that evening, I was even hit on by a guy in a straight venue I went to with other transwomen from the mixer. 

That night, I did not answer the call to stay with the guy who showed interest in me. My reason was, I was in a strange town with a person I did not know, and I did not know if he realized I was transgender. Not a good place to be at two in the morning. On the other hand, I loved it when the other "A-listers" from the mixer were jealous of me for once.

Along the way, I ended up answering enough calls to barely keep myself going. There were plenty of times when I did not know if my mental health could take it, and I could keep going. It was then when I took the all-important call to begin gender affirming hormones and change my life forever. I was sixty by then and knew there would be no turning back. After I did, I learned taking the most important call of my life turned out to be a life survivor for me. I remember the evening when I decided to answer my phone for the last time. All of the sudden the voice told me I was free to live as my authentic self and the relief I felt was tremendous. All my previous misgivings were swept away. 

The Double Edged Gender Sword

Image from JJ Hart. Wife Liz on left.

The longer we live as transgender women and trans men, often we find many aspects which represent a double edged sword. 

One of the edges of the sword has to be the duress we feel when at first we arrive in public for the first time. To make matters worse, we have no peer group to help us out of the mirror to be judged by the harsh eyes of the world. No one to tell us we looked clownish as we tried the makeup arts for the first time. I can't tell you how many times I hurried home in tears following being stared at at the least, or laughed out of a venue at the worst.

From it all, I learned to develop a thick skin and always go back to the drawing board as quickly as I could to help solve any presentation problems I might have had. Even when I was doing it, the cross dresser drawing board was certainly difficult to figure out. What happened was, I used the very brief moments of gender euphoria I earned and moved forward attempting to tightrope my way along the sharp edge of my sword. I was risking ridicule at the least and the loss of family, friends and employment at the worst. Failure as a transgender woman was a very real pressure.

Once I began to learn how to present in public more effectively as a transgender woman, I began to use my sword more effectively.  Then the world became much more comfortable for me in my quest to live my femininized dreams. In addition, my makeup arts became better as well as my use of hair to enhance my appearance. 

It bares mentioning also, going through the overall transgender experience, made me a more resilient person and set up to battle the more challenging times we face. I learned in my research transgender folk have always been around and always will be, no matter who tries to erase us. Battling the sword all these years helped me be more secure in my transgender identity. 

In all fairness to my sword, it started out very dull. I worked long and hard to sharpen it by going out in public which was the best indicator of my progress.  So I took all the good and bad and did the best I could with it. All my interaction with the public included the dark evenings when red-necks repeatedly kept playing "Dude Looks Like a Lady" on the juke box in a venue where I was a regular. Since management at the time would not support me, I left to find another venue and took my money elsewhere. I was rewarded months later when an employee from the venue I was discouraged from coming to, found me in another venue and invited me back. To make matters even better, the manager who would not back me up was fired for drug use. Excluding a stray bigoted woman in the woman's room, I never had any further problems there again.

Once my gender sword swung back into doses of gender euphoria, I began to appreciate all it had done for me. Transgender womanhood was finally mine to enjoy when I learned I was not a quitter and was in my transition for the long haul. 

Having an Affair

Image from Susan G Komen
on Unsplash

Years ago I experienced having an affair during my marriage  with my second wife. 

Before you condemn me any more than I condemn myself,  the affair I am talking about was with myself. That is right, myself. It happened when my feminine inner soul began to take over my life. What I was doing at the time was rejecting the pledge I had made to her to never leave the house cross dressed again. I became so entranced with how natural I felt in my transgender womanhood, I left the house any chance I could which was often. It turned out, the more exploration I went through, the more I wanted to do. Seemingly nothing was out of reach in the new exciting gender world I found myself in. Sadly, even to the point of leaving the vows I made with my wife behind. 

Let me point out also, I had never stepped away from my marriage during the twenty-five years before to be with another woman. Imagine my shock when I finally did, the other woman would turn out to be me. 

As is the case with many affairs, the passion was real in the beginning. Then begins to lessen overtime. In my case, the opposite happened. The more I explored and lived as a transgender woman, the more I wanted to do. I had a real problem on my hands on what was I going to do. On one hand, my wife had told me in no uncertain terms she would not live with another woman and on the other, I did not have the courage to tell her she already was. If I had faced reality, I would have known it was time to jump off the old male ship and begin to live a new life in a feminine world. Even though most likely, it would have cost me our marriage, perhaps we could have at least become friends in the future if she had lived. You see, she died of a massive heart attack at the age of fifty. 

The only thing I did do out of desperation was try to purge myself of most of my female belongings before she passed away and I even grew a beard. It turned out to be my last tribute to her and the years we had together. 

As with all purges, they don't last for long and one of the first things I did was shave off the beard and turn inward to myself in the lonely tragic days after her death. It took awhile but my inner female took control and let me know everything would be fine. Finally I decided she was right and decided to give up all the guilt I was carrying over the affair I had with myself. 

Once I did, my new life as a transgender woman took over. I found new friends and moved on but it took me five plus years to do it. In the meantime, I found all the work I needed to do to play in the girls' sandbox was worth it. I needed to be better than the average cis-woman to survive in the world I chose to live in. I found a woman's life had so many layers to it, I faced a real challenge. As big a challenge as having an affair in your marriage. With yourself.

Was there Ever a Plan

Image from the JJ Hart
Archives

Looking back, I needed a very definite plan to follow as I transitioned into transgender womanhood. 

Similar to so many of you, I started by "borrowing" a few of my Mom's clothing when I could still fit into them. I would have added a sister in but I did not have one. When I became old enough to do it, I took on a newspaper delivery route in my neighborhood and combined my new meager funds with the allowance I received at home from my parents and with the money, I was able to buy a few clothes and my own makeup. Since we lived in a rural area outside of town, the plan was to stay a day or two with my Grandma who lived very close to stores *downtown where I could attempt to shop for what I wanted. The problem with the well thought out plan was my Dad worked downtown too and he was the last person I wanted to run into with my new "treasures." 

After I conquered my fear of shopping for cosmetics I did not really need, I was able to buy makeup which did not make me look like a clown. Another problem I had was, the only example I had of applying makeup came when I was able to watch my Mom do it. I wonder if she noticed me watching her. She was probably so entranced in her face, she did not notice I was entranced also. 

The older I became, the more entrenched the plan became. I was able to increase my small "collection" of feminine wardrobe and makeup as I went along and managed to hide it from my brother and the rest of my family. At the same time, I wanted to become better at the makeup arts and finding clothes which fit me. 

At the same time, I became comfortable with how I looked in the mirror and increasingly had thoughts of expanding into the world. I did try to come out fully dressed to one of the very few male friends who lived close by in the neighborhood but was quickly rejected and I scurried back into my dark, lonely gender closet. I stayed in the closet until several Halloween parties began to bring me out. From then on out, my plans really began to change.

During the parties, I learned how much I enjoyed my time out of the closet and I just knew I needed to figure out a way to live as a transgender woman without waiting for a whole year to go by. To do it, I knew I would need to start by telling my spouse what I was up to. So the plan was to find out what wife number one and two thought about me being a cross dresser before we were even married. It turned out wife one did not care and wife two was supportive to an extent which helped me along. 

The main rule I had with wife two was to never leave the house dressed as a woman. I started innocently enough before I veered off course and threatened our marriage of twenty-five years. I began going to women's clothing stores and malls where acceptance was easy to come by. Money was certainly more important than gender. I also would go to bookstores and even antique malls where I could browse with no problems to build my confidence. When my spirits went up, I planned ahead for my next big adventure which usually meant beginning to interact with more of the world as a transgender woman.

To do it, I began to stop and eat at restaurants along the way to make sure I had to communicate one on one with a server or bartender. Since I had an extensive background in the restaurant/bar business, I knew basically what I needed to do to survive. Just be nice, do not cause any trouble and tip well and I could be successful. 

From then on, I endlessly planned on what I was going to to next and how I could challenge myself in the feminine world. Sometimes I was successful, sometimes I was not but I always learned from the experience. In my life as a man, I had never really planned ahead on anything, so this was a big difference. Perhaps it was because I could not wait to try again to live out my dream of transgender womanhood.

*Those were the days of strong vibrant downtowns in many cities, including mine. Before malls took over and they tore the downtowns apart. 

Good News from the Doc

Image from JJ Hart.

Yesterday was my Hematology appointment at the Cincinnati Veteran's Administration hospital.    

The hospital itself is surrounded by other medical facilities mostly owned and operated by the University of Cincinnati, so space is at a premium which means parking spaces are also. Even though we have a handicapped placard for the windshield, sometimes spaces close by to the door are not close enough for me to easily walk to. Regardless, I was going to try to make it yesterday with the help of my new cane. Plus, in addition to the walk to the door, I knew my wife Liz and I were facing an equally long walk once we arrived in the hospital.

I was scared and was running on extra energy as we finally made our way to the medical department where the appointment was scheduled so we actually were there ahead of time. I was scared of what the doctor would tell me about my platelets being down again from my last bloodwork. Of course, then I began to read up on what it meant and Leukemia was one of the possibilities. Then I started to build all sorts of negative bridges in my head about my mortality. So my blood pressure and nervous energy was at an all tine high when I finally met with a medical team of three. One doctor and two other fellows, whatever that meant. I was hoping for the best and expecting the worst.

It turned out almost all my worry was for nothing . I had  what was called an iron overload in my body. I have had it before and it seemingly went away for years before coming back to haunt me. It used to be I needed to go for regular blood draws called "phlebotomies" which brought the iron problem under control. So instead of Leukemia, I have too much iron in my system again which can cause fatigue, joint pain and skin discoloration among more serious issues.

From the doc, I was then sent down a couple of floors to the vampires so they could do more bloodwork before setting me free. I should mention through it all so far I was treated with respect and was never mis-gendered. I was referred to as Ms. Hart or my first name all through my visit to the VA hospital...until the very end. Just as I was leaving the bloodwork room, the woman said "thank you Sir.' Ruining my perfect day in the gender department. 

However, I was not going to let one person spoil my medical and gender euphoria I felt when we stopped off for lunch on the way home and we were referred to as "Ladies"  again. 

I am sure, I will get back my bloodwork today and will find out when my first phlebotomy in years will be scheduled. Hopefully I will feel improvement soon because Liz and I are planning a trip to the Florida Keys in January and more energy along with less back pain would be a welcome relief. As I will need all the gender euphoria I can get to help me along.

I will have much more later as we get closer to the date, in the meantime, I have some iron to get rid of.

Finding your Happy Place

 

Image from Priscilla du Preeze
on UnSplash

These days you may think finding any sort of happiness as a transgender woman or trans man may be impossible but it is not.

Take this morning for me as an example. As I was getting dressed and viewed my bare thighs before I put on my pants, I had forgotten how nice it is to view their increasingly femininized form thanks to the use of gender affirming hormones. In other words, I have developed my own hips, finally following years of hormonal usage. In many ways I took the slow cautious route when I started down the medical transition path on the advice of my doctor. He advised me to take minimum dosages until we could judge the effects on my body.

At the age of sixty, my body took to the new feminine hormones wonderfully and naturally. Soon I was put on higher doses of HRT and bigger changes began to take place rather quickly. I had set up a semblance of a timetable of when I wanted to shed all my male clothes and live fulltime as a woman but it turned out the timetable was a waste of time. What happened was I became very androgynous looking in a very short period of time. While I was developing an increasingly noticeable set of breasts, my skin began to soften which in turn softened the lines of my face. So much so that anyone who knew me from before would notice the difference.

Even though I was shocked at the rapid exterior transformation of my body, the whole process felt so exciting and natural I could not wait to do more and more as I accessed my new transgender womanhood. It all meant setting up new plans and timetables on who I was going to tell and when. By this time in my life I had outlived most of my family and close friends, so telling many people was not going to become a problem. I had even retired so I did not have to worry about transitioning at a job. All of this left me with two main people to come out to. My only daughter and only slightly younger brother. 

I knew at the time, I had a better chance of succeeding at telling my daughter the truth about me than my brother. My daughter was much more liberal while my brother's in-laws were right wing Baptists and I figured he would sell me out to appease them. It turned out I was right on both accounts. I found my happy place when my daughter totally accepted me and was down when my brother did not. I took my fifty fifty win/loss record and moved on.

To this day my happy place continues with my daughter and her extended family. In fact, my wife Liz and I just accepted an invitation to Thanksgiving dinner at my daughter's Mother-in-Law's house which makes up for the decade long snub from my brother. 

As the holidays approach, I hope all of you can find a happy place to celebrate with family, blood relation or not. In the transgender community, often we find the best family in non traditional situations. It is a wonderful time of the year to discover or re-discover a new happy place for yourself.

Running Against the Tide

Sarah McBride is running for the United States House of Representatives from the state of Delaware. Sarah grew up in Wilmington, and currently represents fifty thousand of her neighbors. Despite her impressive background in community service, one thing sets her off from all others seeking a seat in the House of Representatives, she is transgender.

Even though she is an example of a person going way past being transgender and just being her, she takes it to a whole other height when transgender people are under attack at so many levels by a certain political party I will not mention. At the least, she is an inspiration to the rest of us. 

Just last night I was watching the Texas-Georgia college football game and was unpleasantly surprised when a commercial for Republican Senate candidate Ted Cruz popped up on my television in far away Ohio. As luck would have it, Ohio and Texas have very competitive senatorial campaigns going on. I would estimate over ninety percent of the anti Democratic candidate ads on television involve false transgender claims. Which are brutal and false. Last night I was enjoying a game when the same commercial popped up with only the names had changed. It was a stark reminder that a major player such as an Elon Musk or Peter Theil are aligned against us. I forgot to mention they are both billionaires capable of buying off huge portions of the federal government such as politicians and supreme court justices. 

Enter Sarah McBride, a light in the end of the tunnel which is not the train. Many more pro-LGBTQ political candidates are running in this year's crucial election. As a group we must put our differences behind us and our future in front of us as we must identify and vote for the proper path forward. Sarah McBride is proof it can be done as she is favored to win her race. We need to make sure she is only the beginning.    

 

How Far will You Go?

Image from UnSplash.

I have always viewed my transgender journey as a series of upward steps. A few of the steps were short and easy to take, while others were the opposite. The steps seemed to be impossibly steep and dangerous to proceed. 

Early steps were thrilling and even exciting as I snuck behind my family's back to cross dress in front of the mirror. Even so, the risk of discovery was anything but easy because I was risking so much. In those days, discovery meant a trip to a therapist who knew nothing about gender issues and even worse being treated as if I was mentally ill. 

At that point, looking ahead, I probably knew deep down, things would not get any easier with my gender issues. But, time would tell. As I progressed during my life, it suddenly became obvious  my gender issues were not going to go away. In fact, they were only to become much more serious. Mainly because my male life was becoming so much more serious too. Once I made it through my military service, I settled in to raising my new, small family which I hoped somehow would make me more of a man, while deep down I knew it would never be the case. I wondered how far I would have to go to carve out a good life. 

Fortunately, I was able to even though the trip was difficult, I made it by deciding I would go as far as I needed to go to satisfy living as my feminine authentic self. Initially, I had several major hurdles to conquer. Such as, did I want major surgeries which were much rarer and expensive back in those days as well as how my sexuality would play out as my new self. 

Since I did not have any insurance to cover the surgeries, paying for them was out of the question so I moved on. Next was my sexuality. Since I had absolutely no experience in sexual time with men, I did not know how it would go. It turned out, I did not need to experience much time with me, I never had to move on from my sexuality with women. I was becoming a transgender lesbian. 

Of course, the further I progressed in my new world, the more I had to lose as far as family, friends and employment. I needed to prepare to lose it all if I needed to. I needed to determine if it all would be worth it. In my case, all the years of fear and struggle proved to be worth it. Thanks to my lesbian wife Liz, I was accepted for who I was. 

To arrive here, I did not have to go through extensive operations and change my sexuality. I have always thought gender was between the ears and not the legs so it did not matter to me. I guess it proves how diverse the transgender community is, if we allow it to be. None of the "I'm more trans than you" syndrome which is hurtful to us all. Especially now, in a political environment which is setting out to erase the trans population, we ALL need to be united and not divided behind a bunch of archaic labels, such as cross dresser and transsexual individuals. 

Regardless of the label, we all had to decide how far we want to go to satisfy our gender urges. Or sadly, how many risks did we want to take to change our life forever. It all proves how we never had a choice in who we are as transphobes seem to think we do. How far you go is entirely a personal decision which takes a lot of work and trial and error to accomplish. It' all depends how in depth you want to go. For example, the night I went out to see if I could meet and blend in with other single women on their own turf and survive. I did make it and knew I could never go back to the life I had before in the mirror. I wanted to go more in-depth. 

From then on, I needed the confidence to do it.

Transgender Instincts

Image from Atich Bana 
on Unspalsh. 

 First, I need to apologize for missing a post yesterday. I went to my primary provider at the local Veterans Administration clinic for my semi-annual checkup. While  I was there, I was able to receive my flu and Covid vaccines at the same time I was having my blood labs completed. By the time I had stopped and picked up lunch on the way home, I was pretty much ready for a nap and just laid down. By the time I woke up, I had ran out of time to do a post at all.

The visit itself was very mundane and I did not receive any negative responses at all and was never called "Sir." So I chalked it up to a win. In the past I wasn't so lucky and thought about reporting a couple people there for their transphobic behavior. For whatever reason, things have changed for the better. 

Now, onto instincts we have to develop as transgender women or trans men in order to survive in an often hostile world. Especially true for trans women. It seems we have to be on point at all times with our appearance just to get by and appearance is only the beginning. We need to move smoothly like a woman and learn to communicate one on one with mainly the other women we meet. I know I was petrified when I first was trying out the world as a transgender woman. Then, on a totally heightened level were the aspects of conquering and feeling comfortable in women's only spaces such as rest rooms. Which always is a topic for another blog post. Except when it came to the times when I was stuck in line at a restroom  and needed to make polite conversation with other women. 

These days, having your instincts about you as a woman, trans or not, is more important than ever before.  Depending on where you live, outspoken gender bigots have made our business their business. Plus as we transition into the feminine gender world, we need to be careful when it comes to our personal safety. In particular ignoring dark, deserted places such as sidewalks and parking lots. In particular, all things cis-women learn from a young age. Of course, I needed to find out the hard way about my own safety issues and was lucky I did not find myself in more serious harm than I did.

Sometimes, I feel interacting with the world as a transgender woman has meant developing a sixth sense. For me, my hearing improved as I strained to hear what someone else may be saying about me behind my back. From then on it is my decision on what do next. Recently, I have decided to stare the person down and even challenge them. I have spent too many years living to do anything else. 

Our instincts are powerful basics in our lives and changing genders brings a huge challenge. We have to start all over and learn our lives again. Being transgender women or trans men just brings a bigger challenge. On the other hand, learning to play in the other genders sandbox presents a unique challenge in life which very few humans will ever realize. 

Hopefully, we all can make the best of it and go though a safe and stable gender transition. 

Finding your Happy Place as a Trans Girl

Image from Trans Outreach, JJ Hart

As I negotiated my way through the gender wilderness I was in, I needed to reach out at times to find moments of gender euphoria or happiness. 

As I have written about in the past, happiness was a learned trait which was difficult to come by in my family. Being good was not good enough, there was always time to be better. Little did I know, I was seeking to enter a world where being better than the average cis-woman was not going to cut it. Being better meant survival. 

As similar to most of you transgender women and/or cross dressers, I started out innocently enough as I raided my Mom's clothes and tried to admire myself in the mirror before my family came home. The whole process worked well for awhile until I grew restless and wanted to increasingly explore the world as my femininized self. Sadly, most all of this occurred when I approached puberty and all the unwanted male changes to my body began to happen. Very soon, I found wearing any of Mom's clothes was impossible as I gained unwanted hair, bulk and angles I hated but were stuck with. It was the infamous testosterone poisoning setting in which I battle to this day.

Rather than be unhappy, the mirror and my mind helped me to battle my way through severe bouts of gender dysphoria. I worked hard on acquiring the proper clothes and makeup I would need on a very limited budget. Of course with no guidance, I experienced many disasters on my journey before I settled in on an appearance which could get me by in the public's eye. I needed to disguise all my testosterone poisoning. Still, I persisted without much help and slowly learned the art of makeup which finally I did get some assistance with. At one of the cross dresser - transgender mixers I went to, I put my ego away and sought help from one of the professional makeup artists they had giving free advice. In language even I could understand, the guy doing my makeup guided me through a truly amazing transformation. Even I thought I looked so good I was happy with the results. 

Even still, the transformation was fleeting and all too soon, I needed to go back to my boring unwanted male life and the happiness I felt went with it. Leaving me in a state of depression. I did not realize having a feminine appearance was only the beginning and achieving any standard of looks went only to the upper levels of feminine achievement for me. Beauty was fleeting and very skin deep for me as I continued on my gender journey. I was told several times by my second wife I made a terrible woman and in no way was she talking about my appearance. She was right and it took me years to put my male ego behind me and learn what she truly meant. 

I also had a close transgender friend who told me one time I passed out of sheer willpower. Which I took as a backward compliment. Meaning I was going to engage the public and do my best to be happy even though I was not the most attractive woman in the room. When I did, I made a huge step forward towards becoming my authentic self. It was not until then did I begin to gain new friends and become happier. 

Sadly, my second wife passed away before she ever had the opportunity to meet the new improved me but I did have several friends who did. Their main comment was how much more happier I had become. I guess I never realized how much my gender issues had shown through to others in my male life. 

When I reached this point, I knew my family and upbringing was wrong. I could be happy in life and appreciate it. Along the way, I learned the truth that all the money and beauty in the world could not buy me happiness. I spent way too long living in the mirror to keep doing it. The friends and wife I made when I put my male self behind me proved happiness was not impossible for me. 

It is Fall and Time for Halloween

 

I have heard Halloween is the national holiday for cross dressers everywhere.

I know it was for me as I could not wait for the trees to change colors and the temperatures to dip so I could plan my "costume" for the season. I was fortunate when I began to learn so many feminine basics thanks to my Halloween experiences. Such as, the first night I went out with friends to a late night showing of a silent movie in a beautiful restored theater in Columbus, Ohio. The primary lesson I learned was to either get a close parking spot or wear comfortable footwear as my heels began to bother me very shortly into the evening. Regardless, I had a great time in my short mini dress and I was disappointed when I did not see anyone else cross dressed (that I know of) and the night went by so quickly. My friends we went with did not even mention my shaved legs. I remember thinking it was going to be a very long year before I again could challenge the world as my feminine self.

Back then, my self was very under developed. The mirror still had a hold of me and I really had very little knowledge of where I truly wanted to go as I researched the gender world. Would the mirror be my home or could I succeed as a novice transgender woman. In it's own very important way, Halloween helped to point me in the right direction. The first parties I went to, I simply tried to dress sexy as my "costume" and took the easy way out. I was seeking validation as a woman  essentially by doing a form of drag, which never worked for me. For the most part, I was left alone by other men and women. It took me several parties to understand what I was doing wrong. 

From there on out, I started to attempt to tone down my "costume." For example, one year early on in my transition I wore all black. Starting with black flats, black tights and sweater. I paired it all with my short black skirt, long blond wig and topped it off with a black beret hat. I tried it all out at one of the big dance clubs Halloween party in town and was enjoying myself immensely until a person in a mask came up to me and said I know who you are. Initially I was a mixture of being scared and devastated some one could see through my "costume" so easily I did manage to laugh and say who was I and the person said I looked just like my Mom. Then I realized who he was and he went on his way. It turned out I grew up near him in the rural neighborhood where I lived. Even with all of that I had a great time and was saddened that Halloween only came around once a year.

It turned out there were many other lessons to learn from the cross dressers national holiday as I was going to find out. One of the biggest ones was when I realized how rare it was to find another possible "non civilian cross dresser" in their own "costume." Again, I was feeling alone in the world. Another one was there was no way I could wait another year to venture out into the world as my authentic femininized self. At the same time of my Halloween adventures, the internet became a part of my life and I was able to research terms such as transgender to see if they fit me. I found there was so much more to learn. 

There were more Halloween parties where I continued to learn from too. I haven't forgotten my pledge to share them also since for the most part, they had such a profound effect on my life as a novice transgender woman. 

Hitting the Transgender Wall

 

Image from Selin 
on UnSplash

There were so many times during my journey to finding my authentic self that I hit a wall or two or more. 

The easy walls came when I was younger and was trying to find makeup and wardrobe items to admire myself in the mirror. During that time and into the future, finances were a major set back. As much as I admired the pretty clothes the girls around me were wearing, I just did not have the money to afford any of them. There was no way I could go to my parents and ask for a pretty dress for my birthday or Christmas. Plus, I was stuck at a major point of my overall femininized image when it came to my hair. In those days, I was stuck with very short hair cuts such as burr or crew cuts and there was no way I could afford a wig. A major wall, to be sure as I think having the first wig I cherished did not come around until my college years in the late 1960's till the early 1970's when my military days took over. Of course I was against the wall again when my hair needed to be kept very short.

After I had served my time in the Army, I was able to secure the finances to afford a more update feminine wardrobe and my walls began to take on a more mental aspect with me. The more I was able to sneak out of the house and into the public, the more I knew I had little or no knowledge of where I wanted to go as a novice transgender woman. It seemed everything was being thrown at me at once and my mental health crumbled after I was hitting many walls at once. My male life was becoming more and more demanding as I became successful at my job and I discovered the more I explored the female world, the more I liked it. 

Even so, climbing the feminine walls were difficult. It seemed everytime I mastered one aspect of being a transgender woman such as walking, I would catch my heel in the crack of a sidewalk and ruin my whole day. As I continued along my bumpy gender path, I found mishaps with walking in heels were indeed minor in the scope of my transgender life. On the horizon loomed much more serious walls such as communication with the public and with women in particular. Overwhelmingly, men ignored me and women were curious about what I was doing in their world, I discovered quite quickly I was interacting with more women than I had ever done as a guy which was scary in many ways, including what would I say and how would I say it. 

I wondered what had I done when I was forced to actually talk the talk of the person I had become. I resorted to what had worked for me in the past as I had encountered tough trans walls to climb. I basically tried to shut my mouth and observe what was going around me. It worked to an extent until people (women) began to warm up to the new person I had become. I even was giving other women advice on how to understand their boyfriends or spouses. 

Anyway you cut it, I guess for me, gender affirming hormones created the last major wall for me to climb. At the time, I was doing my best to appear as a woman and communicate as one to the world. Beginning the hormones in many ways was a selfish move because I did it for myself. When I did, instead of more walls crashing down, they melted. HRT, when I was approved for it was a magic potent stimulant my body had been craving for years. Very quickly, I knew I had made the right move as I was able to tear the final walls down and make my way into fulltime transgender womanhood. 

Surely, I was bruised and battered by hitting all the transgender walls I needed to scale to live the life I wanted but I made it. When I look back on all the terrifying yet exciting steps I took to get to where I am mow, I wonder how I made it. First there was my appearance and battling testosterone poisoning then overcoming the problems of male behavior which also effected my life that all made for a rough journey. Surely there were too many walls to count.   

Happlily Ever After?

 

Image from Dave 
Goudreau on
UnSplash. 

When it comes to transgender women and trans men, is there ever a happy ending?

As we examine our lives , again and again, we inevitably encounter many pains as we make the transition from one gender to another. Most of us (including me) go through a period of time when we consider ourselves to be cross dressers or transvestites. We were in our own state of limbo, not knowing where we were going. I am amazed when anyone in the outside world thinks our life was so much easier and we were wearing the clothes of the opposite sex as some sort of a lark.

The fact remains, amidst the brief moments of gender euphoria in front of the mirror, we never actually had a choice when it came to our gender issues. In the case of many people such as me, my journey was very lonely and singular and I wondered if I could ever live happily ever after as a transgender woman. It seemed like the impossible dream and if I could ever arrive there, perhaps I could finally become happy. But happiness for me had always been fleeting. Probably because I had never seen much of happy in my family growing up. We were taught anything we did was never good enough. It carried over into my life as a novice transgender woman. 

No matter how attractive I thought I was, there always had to be more. I needed to be better as a trans woman. It turned out I did need to be better to survive in a new feminine world but getting there was a challenge when I went too far, too fast in the wrong direction. Primarily when I went over board in how I was dressing myself way too slutty and attracting the wrong attention to myself. It wasn't the type of validation I was seeking. It took me awhile to realize I could not make it to any semblance of happiness on the path I was on. 

I learned I never would have a chance to be happy in transgender womanhood, unless I began to change my ways and began to dress to blend in with the world. Once I did, I learned I had a whole new set of challenges I needed to face to be happy. Similar to many of you, I faced spousal issues as well as job, family and friends. I always considered changing my gender was a difficult task to take but I never knew all the nuances of making the change I would have to take. Being a woman, trans or not, was a very layered process and I would ever be happy if and when I ever arrived at my goal of living fulltime as my authentic self. 

Then there were the gender affirming hormones I decided to pursue. Before I could begin the meds, I needed permission from a doctor and a therapist to begin. Adding to the importance of the move but once I started the hormones, I knew I was in the right place and I would not turn back to my old unwanted male life.

Even with the HRT, happiness was still fleeting as I faced a wonderful new world. Most likely because there were still instances of public setbacks I still had to negotiate, which included times when my mind was playing gender tricks on me. I was still influenced by sixty years of living a male life and being conditioned to never be happy.

Now, at the age o seventy five, I know I certainly have fewer years ahead than behind me. Now I have to make a concerted effort to be happy. If I don't, it will be too late.

Intimidating Women

Library of Congress 
image from 
UnSplash.

During my life, surprisingly so, I have encountered many intimating cis-women. 

Probably the most intimidating of all was my Mom, a dynamo at a mere five foot two inches tall.  From early as I can remember, we clashed on many different issues probably because we were so much alike. On the girl side, I was fascinated from a young age when I watched her skill with makeup and hair. I could only dream of ever duplicating her prowess. Of course I would never get the chance for her to ever see the fashion skills I finally developed as the daughter she thought she never had. 

As I grew up, my intimidation of girls of all kinds increased. I was so jealous of their ability to dress in pretty clothes and wear makeup continued. In addition, I was so shy, I was afraid to communicate with girls at all. So my problems continued to get worse. I never had the chance to circle back to where I began. All the time I was cross dressing in front of the mirror, it was a very solitary, lonely experience as I craved the peer feedback other girls my age had to work with. 

The older I became, the more I admired women who were stronger and spoke their minds. You might say I was intimidated in the most positive ways by strong women. I was even attracted to them to the point I chose one for my second wife who I was married to for twenty five years. Even though she knew I was a cross dresser from the very beginning, somehow I secretly thought she would help me with my on-going quest to be a feminine person. She never really did help me much and very much resisted any ideas I had I was a transgender woman. 

Perhaps I am attracted to strong successful women because I wish I was one. I so admired the women managers I worked with because of all the extra skills they had to use to be successful. Most if not all of them had families to support at the same time they worked a full-time job. I was in the restaurant business and some of my best kitchen managers were women who dealt with macho kitchen crews. 

Being a transgender woman, I think sometimes I intimidate other women. Sometimes they seem to melt with kindness such as the hostess last week when my wife Liz and I went out for my birthday dinner. She was beside herself to make sure we were satisfied with our experience. As I can remember, intimidation on my part of a guy was when I was shopping at a grocery store years ago for the families groceries. In those days, a fashionable woman who had the legs wore an oversize sweater with flats and a mini -skirt, so I did on that day. As I chose our food, I tried to contain my fear in checking out, I found I was wrong.  As it turned out, the store was nearly empty and only had one check-out lane open with a woman cashier and a male bagger. 

It turned out, I really intimidated the bagger, he blushed and stuttered when he asked me if I needed help taking my bags to my car. I looked at the cashier and him when I said I didn't and she gave me a slight knowing smile. I wondered then, if she knew I was transgender at the time or not. Regardless, it was quite the experience. 

It wasn't until I transitioned into a feminine world as a trans woman did I fully understand all the nuances of what it takes to be an intimidating woman. For example, some women use their heels to begin the process. Heels give a shorter woman a height advantage to be able to compete with the men in their world. Plus, these days, more and more young women are becoming educated to give themselves an extra advantage in the world. 

It turns out, in my life, intimidating women are becoming the norm as the future is female. 

 

Becoming Me

Image from the 
JJ Hart
Archives. 

As I bridged the gender gaps in my life to survive, I did what I perceived to be cross dressing as a woman in my family's mirror. 

Slowly I began to learn the makeup and fashion tricks the girls around me used to look their best. At times it seemed I was attempting the impossible as puberty set in and my body began to go through many unwanted male changes. Like it or not, I was stuck with testosterone poisoning and I would somehow have to get use to living with it. I was becoming a me which was very much unwanted. 

As I got by in life, I learned to camouflage my broad shoulders, and torso (among other negatives) and try to emphasize my positives, even if I needed to do it with feminine style padding in all the right areas. Since I was told I had good legs at the Halloween parties I went to, naturally I tried to emphasize my legs when I dressed. 

Sadly it took me many years to learn the truth about myself. Yes, it was true I was a cross dresser but not the way I always thought I was. In no way was I a male cross dressing as a female, all along I was a woman cross dressing as a man. Once I arrived at that point in my life, suddenly everything began to be so much clearer. I just wish I could have come to the realization so much earlier than I did. I always use the excuse to myself the world itself held me back in the pre-internet years before very little was being published or researched about gender issues. In fact, I still remember in my youth the news stories about the police rounding up and arresting men dressed as women. How could that be? 

Still I persisted and remember vividly the night I dressed up in a mini skirt, panty hose, heels wig and makeup and headed to a nearby gay bar when my wife was away. I was so scared and once I got there and was admitted through a locked door, I only had one drink and left before I even relaxed and I never had the opportunity to go back before the owner died and it closed. Even still, my adventure that night helped me to become the transgender person I wanted to be. At that point, the problem still was, I did not totally know who I was, or face up to her yet. But I was diligently working on the problem by researching my feminine life. 

To do the research, I needed to risk everything and leave the safe surroundings of the mirror and enter the world. I started with going to more gay venues and becoming quickly disillusioned when they all thought of me as a drag queen. Lesbian bars were better but I did not find true acceptance until I became brave enough to go to straight places. There I could watch my sports, drink my beer and become accepted as a regular fairly quickly by the staff. I minded my own business, tried to be friendly and tipped well and was in. Even though I knew they knew I was transgender. it did not matter and along the way I think it even helped me. One way or another, I was taking giant steps towards being me and I knew there was no way I could ever go back.

Perhaps the biggest step I ever took on the gender path to being me was when I started on gender affirming hormones. After being approved by a doctor, the changes occurred quickly.. In addition to the external changes such as breasts, hair and skin, I experienced internal changes also. My emotions changed as well as my whole life just softened. The entire time of gender adjustment was one of the most magical times of my life. 

Overall, the discovery of who I really was as a transgender woman was a terrifying yet exciting journey. One I don't regret taking, once I faced up to her, I was so much happier.   

Building a Dream

Image from Moreno Matkovic
on UnSplash

 Similar to many of you ,my journey to building a dream took me many years.

As I am fond of saying, over a half a century of construction. A long time when you think about it. At first the steps were obscure and very shadowy as I snuck behind my family's attention to cross dress in front of the mirror. I did not know much about what I was doing, or the tools to do it so I looked as if I was clownish, most of the time. As luck would have it, the mirror often lied to me and gender euphoria set in, before I even knew what it was and what it meant. All I really knew was how at night when I slept, I dreamed of being a girl and was sad when I woke up and needed to face the same old male world.   When I was able to escape into my feminine world, I felt so natural and exhilarated, I just couldn't stand to go back.

The years flew by and I was able to learn more and more about the femininization process I was facing. At the same time, small glimpses of what if slipped into my mind. Or, what if, someday I could make living as a woman trans or not part of my reality. As I did, the reality of building a transgender dream became increasingly difficult. Partially because, at the same time, my male life was becoming increasingly successful and it became  harder and harder to give up what I had built. Still I moved ahead as the feminine forces within me were so powerful.

Since it is coming close to the Halloween season around here, I would be remiss if I did not mention how going to Halloween parties dressed as a woman did not help me build my dream of perhaps being a full time woman some day. Back in those days, the term transgender was still in it's infancy and I did not know how it fit me. All I knew was, I worried and stressed for months ahead of Halloween about what my "costume" would be. Predictably my outfits started out slutty and evolved into going to parties dressed as business professional to see how many people would notice I was a guy at all. Overall, I had several meaningful experiences at Halloween which provided quality building blocks I could use when I seriously began to enter the world as my authentic self. As promised, I will write more about them as Halloween comes closer.

In the meantime, I was having more and more opportunities to learn I was so much more than a man who wanted to look like a woman. I even received a  comment from "Paula" across the pond in the UK concerning a blog post I wrote on the subject:

"I often think that the moment of realization that you are a trans woman rather than a cross dressing man is the Biggy! After I accepted who I am everything else that followed was just a natural consequence of that initial revelation. After I had accepted that I was in fact a woman it was perfectly logical that I would want the world to experience me as such, so I went full time. As I wanted to experience the fullness (as much as possible) of life as a woman it was perfectly natural to get medical help, leading first to hormones and then surgery. All of those decisions were the natural consequences of that first understanding that this is who I am not something I do."

Thanks to Paula and all of who comment! I could not have put it better. 

As it was, I kept on building until I formed a solid foundation to finally achieve my dream. It was never easy but on the other hand, building something worthwhile never is.  All the lonely nights I spent going out just to be alone come to mind as well as the occasions I was shunned or even laughed at. At that point my dream seemed to be so far away. Deep down I knew I was doing the right thing and kept on building. It turned out happiness was just a build away. 

When Every Night is Girls Night

Grae Phillips is still active
on Facebook if you want to 
see more. Or just keep up. 

I know I make a big deal out of my second huge transition, when I mentally moved from being a serious part-time cross dresser into being a novice transgender woman.

Sometimes I feel as if I am putting myself on some sort of a gender pedestal when I write about not considering myself a cross dresser anymore. If it comes off that way, I don't mean it to. On occasion, the written word gets in my way. Getting back to the cross dresser versus transgender statement I made, I think in my case, it was a matter of me judging my own life. Originally, as I was working my way through my early years of admiring my girl self in the mirror, I knew it could never be enough. There had to be more. I was so tired of cross dressing for one day and then two or three days later wanting to do it again. 

As I always mention, all of this occurred back in the pre-internet information era when any news and contact with like minded gender individuals, be they transvestites or transsexuals, was very difficult and rare to come by. This was even before the barrage of talk shows led by the late Phil Donohue who interviewed female impersonators such as "Grae Phillips", all the way to transvestites seeking approval from a doubting world. It was quite a bit for me to sort out. But I did. I knew I could never be as beautiful and talented as Grae but I could reach the standards of most of the transvestites I saw on my television. There was hope for my future after all.

As I progressed into meeting more and more diverse cross dressers or the women known as the new transgender group I began to think what it would mean if I went all the way and every night became girls night. In other words, a time when I would never have to go back to my old male self and live. Deep down I knew there would have to be some sort of line drawn in the sand if I did. As much as I loved all the fun of the newness of applying makeup and picking out clothes, I wondered what would happen when the newness wore off and I needed to settle into the daily routine of the transgender womanhood.

It turned out, I had nothing to worry about. I settled into my new feminine routine as if I had always should have been living this way. I found I didn't have to do much special on many days such as most cis-women do and then again still have the fun of dressing up for special occasions. It was true, once I jumped the gender border from cross dresser to transgender, I could experience what life could be like if every night was girls night.  

The Prom Gown

Image from Joeyy Lee
on UnSplash

Years ago, I received a prophetic statement from an unknowing doctor when our family was on vacation in Canada. 

When we were not out fishing with Dad, we played football on a hard-packed lot behind the fishing camp with a bunch of local kids. Being the budding football star I never was, I decided to try to play running back and was actually successful bulling my way through the opposing boys on the other team, for awhile. On a play I would learn to regret, I was picked up and thrown down on my shoulder and suffered a broken collar bone.

I say regret primarily because my Dad was not amused about having to interrupt his vacation to take me to a hospital for treatment. At the hospital, I had X-rays taken and was diagnosed with a broken collar bone. I was seen by a doctor and had my shoulder bandaged up in a sling and was told it would heal on it's own. Leaving only a tell tale bump which showed it had ever happened. Then the doctor said, since I would not be wearing any prom gowns in my future, it would not matter anyway.

I thought at the time, wait a minute! What if I wanted to wear one of the beautiful gowns I had seen on women in my future. What then. I think that comment hurt worse than the actual breaking of the bone. Plus, when I did go to proms and was stuck in an ugly tuxedo, I always looked at the girls around me for any tell-tale bumps to show a collar bone break. I never did see any. 

Along the way, I had several other instances of my feminine aura shining through. I have/had a nephew who from an early age developed a very unsavory attitude towards life which sometimes carried over to me. It started with my politics clashing with his right wing bigotry and going from there. On several occasions, he secretly complimented me by saying I threw a football like a girl. He even said one time when I bought my new Porsche Boxster, I had bought a girls car. Like I said, he was trying to hurt me but was secretly making me feel good. I could not wait to be the attractive blond woman in a sharp sports car.

There were other times when I was called feminine when I was doing my best to be a macho man. Several times at work, I was called "Ma'am" out of the clear blue sky in the middle of a normal conversation with a customer. Looking back, I think it was my feminine aura slipping through my male fence. 

Even though it took me years to realize my dream of living as a transgender woman was much more than living as a part-time cross dresser, I realized there were several tell-tale signs along the way. Maybe the doctor was trying to tell me someday I would want to actually wear a beautiful prom dress which showed off my collar bone break bump. Or my evil nephew would go on to having his own insecurities to deal with. I have not seen him for over a decade, so I don't know or care. He would probably just say he was right about calling me a girl. 

It turned out there were many people who saw through my disguise and at the least knew I wasn't who I was desperately trying to be. A stable, non toxic, productive man. I failed miserably and all I ever wanted was to be the one wearing the beautiful prom gown.   

Calling me a woman was the ultimate compliment. 

A Cajun Night Out

Ohio River Pride Image
of Author JJ Hart

Recently I passed my seventy fifth birthday. To have a mini celebration, my wife Liz took me to one of our favorite restaurants which happens to be a Cajun food place called the "Swamp Water Grille." 

Even though we live miles and miles away from Cajun country, the chef/owner of the venue studied down in New Orleans and his food is incredible. Before I could get to the food, I had to go through the usual steps most women go through to get themselves ready. Since we just finished watching the Ohio State - Iowa college football game and the venue is quite casual, Liz and I decided to wear our Ohio State University sweatshirts. In addition, I added a close shave, foundation, contouring and lipstick and was ready to go after I brushed and tied back my hair. 

As I prepared, I realized I was putting the effort in to be invisible in the venue but I wasn't. For some unknown reason, I went first to the hostess stand to put our name in on the wait sheet. The first thing which happened was the hostess gave me a big smile and complimented me on my glasses so I was not so invisible after all. She was obviously of the younger generation which does not have a problem with transgender women or men so I felt warmly welcomed to the venue. Not to mention feeling a little relieved of my anxiety I was experiencing. I was further confused because I had been at the venue before with no problems what so ever. It is just a sample of the anxiety I live with. 

From there, it was clear sailing and no one seemed to notice me at all. They were all so busy with enjoying their food, friends and surroundings they did not have time for me. The only person who we were dealing with was our server who addressed us as "ladies." Which is wonderful of course. I went through so many years of disavowing my true authentic self, I don't think I will ever tire of being referred to in the feminine tense. 

As we finished our wonderful dinner and drinks, it was time to bring the evening to an end and we headed to the car. Ironically, I felt the benefits of being largely invisible to the world as an older transgender woman while at the same time being very visible to myself. It seemed everyone of my senses were heightened as I waited for someone to stare at me and say something negative. I guess no matter how successful I am in my relatively new life, I will always experience the stress and tension of be confronted in my life.

In the meantime, a little (or lot) of great Cajun cooking helped me to experience a huge dose of gender euphoria. The best gift I could have ever experienced.
    

Hate Enters the Picture

Author and Wife at last summers' group
picnic which was not held this year. 

 For years and years, I have been part of a diverse LGBTQ local support group who recently has focused more on transgender needs.

This year, as board elections neared, three former board members abruptly resigned their seats and said they were not running again. A huge problem for a six member board. Plus recently, more and more members of the general membership have declined to participate in group activities at all. All of the decreased participation particularly hurt when it came to activities such as Pride. In the Cincinnati area alone, there are four major Pride events the group did it's best to represent during the fun. 

In addition, pressure was put on a few to represent a group whose membership numbers into the two hundred fifty plus. Predictably, fatigue set in and board members began to become frustrated. Then, on top of all of this, the most prominent board members began to receive  actual threats. It was all too much for the members to take and they quit. It turned out, someone slipped in behind all the protections in the group's social media group and started spreading hate. All before the moderators could get the person stopped. 

Sadly, with my mobility problems, all I could do was sit back and watch all of this sadness happen. Pride this year was a prime example when the group needed help the most. I knew it, but was unable to help because of the difficulty I had getting there. Unlike so many of the other members, I was not particularly afraid of potential violence, I just could not do it. 

Any way you cut it though, the threats of harm against the transgender community does cause harm to those seeking to leave their closets and explore the world as their authentic selves. In the meantime, in the political arena I live in, the majority of the false negative comments about Ohio's Democratic senator involve his support of the transgender community. The ad's are false and disgusting. 

None of the political climate helps the group I am a long time member of. It has been around since 1968 and has been a pillar in the cross dresser - transgender local community. I feel bad I can not be an active supporter. 

I just hope the group can survive.