Finding your Happy Place as a Trans Girl

Image from Trans Outreach, JJ Hart

As I negotiated my way through the gender wilderness I was in, I needed to reach out at times to find moments of gender euphoria or happiness. 

As I have written about in the past, happiness was a learned trait which was difficult to come by in my family. Being good was not good enough, there was always time to be better. Little did I know, I was seeking to enter a world where being better than the average cis-woman was not going to cut it. Being better meant survival. 

As similar to most of you transgender women and/or cross dressers, I started out innocently enough as I raided my Mom's clothes and tried to admire myself in the mirror before my family came home. The whole process worked well for awhile until I grew restless and wanted to increasingly explore the world as my femininized self. Sadly, most all of this occurred when I approached puberty and all the unwanted male changes to my body began to happen. Very soon, I found wearing any of Mom's clothes was impossible as I gained unwanted hair, bulk and angles I hated but were stuck with. It was the infamous testosterone poisoning setting in which I battle to this day.

Rather than be unhappy, the mirror and my mind helped me to battle my way through severe bouts of gender dysphoria. I worked hard on acquiring the proper clothes and makeup I would need on a very limited budget. Of course with no guidance, I experienced many disasters on my journey before I settled in on an appearance which could get me by in the public's eye. I needed to disguise all my testosterone poisoning. Still, I persisted without much help and slowly learned the art of makeup which finally I did get some assistance with. At one of the cross dresser - transgender mixers I went to, I put my ego away and sought help from one of the professional makeup artists they had giving free advice. In language even I could understand, the guy doing my makeup guided me through a truly amazing transformation. Even I thought I looked so good I was happy with the results. 

Even still, the transformation was fleeting and all too soon, I needed to go back to my boring unwanted male life and the happiness I felt went with it. Leaving me in a state of depression. I did not realize having a feminine appearance was only the beginning and achieving any standard of looks went only to the upper levels of feminine achievement for me. Beauty was fleeting and very skin deep for me as I continued on my gender journey. I was told several times by my second wife I made a terrible woman and in no way was she talking about my appearance. She was right and it took me years to put my male ego behind me and learn what she truly meant. 

I also had a close transgender friend who told me one time I passed out of sheer willpower. Which I took as a backward compliment. Meaning I was going to engage the public and do my best to be happy even though I was not the most attractive woman in the room. When I did, I made a huge step forward towards becoming my authentic self. It was not until then did I begin to gain new friends and become happier. 

Sadly, my second wife passed away before she ever had the opportunity to meet the new improved me but I did have several friends who did. Their main comment was how much more happier I had become. I guess I never realized how much my gender issues had shown through to others in my male life. 

When I reached this point, I knew my family and upbringing was wrong. I could be happy in life and appreciate it. Along the way, I learned the truth that all the money and beauty in the world could not buy me happiness. I spent way too long living in the mirror to keep doing it. The friends and wife I made when I put my male self behind me proved happiness was not impossible for me. 

The Ultimate Challenge

Vacation image from Kansas
by JJ Hart

I am biased but I think changing how you live to reflect your authentic gender self is one of the toughest things a human can do. 

Perhaps you noticed I said reflect your gender tastes not change them. I believe our transgender selves are already determined and we are attempting to sync them up to our extremal selves the world can see. The path varies for most of us but the final goal is always the same. Sadly we have many obstacles in our way. 

One of the main ones is trying to overcome the effects of testosterone poisoning which gives us the hated male characteristics we did not ask for. I remember hating all the changes which were happening to my body and how the changes would effect me when I attempted to cross dress in front of the mirror. All I knew was my life was changing for the worst and I did not want it. Much later on when I became much more serious about my femininized presentation in public, my goal was to hide my broad shoulders and the angles of my body with new fashion. 

It turned out, testosterone poisoning and new fashion were the least of my problems as I continued along my path to the ultimate challenge of living as a full time transgender woman. There were so many times I never thought I was going to make it. I had so much baggage to sort through as a man as I had acquired over the years. Since I had spent so long doing my best to build my life, then I needed to decide what to do about my family, job and friends. Leaving me between the gender rock and a hard place. Often I did not know how I was going to find my way out of my predicament. Was I still a man, or a woman and what about my long standing sexuality.

Obviously, the ultimate challenge was to sort through all my issues while I was still attempting to live my so called normal life as a man. I ended up trying to live a little at a time as a trans woman until it began to feel so natural I never wanted to go back. Slowly but surely I was proving to myself I had been born feminine and just forced into the wrong gender by some sort of a cruel twist of fate.

It was around that time, I found I was not alone and began to discover other challenges on my path to transgender success. I learned from others around me about their own successes and failures or triumphs and purges. Often my own feminine wardrobe would be gifted by an acquaintance's giant purge. In fact, my first set of expensive silicon breast forms were gifted to me. The breast forms were a real step forward from what I had ever had before and would help me to present better so I would not be discovered as a man.

As Paula wrote in and commented: "I don't know if we ever get over that fear of being found out, of being exposed and ridiculed. I think this is much more about how we see ourselves than how others see us, I look in the mirror and see all my history, the Dan Dare chin and the prop forward shoulders, others just see a late middle aged woman who happens to be on the tall side."

Thanks for the comment and as I am fond of saying, these days I present as old. Since the genders have a tendency to merge together later in life. I am also happy to have made it to the place I have in my life but as I near my seventy fifth birthday, I know the ultimate challenge is yet to come.  

Finding your Happy Place

From the Jessie Hart Archives 

 As a transgender woman or trans man, it is often very difficult to find your happy place.

A happy place can often be called gender euphoria for all of us who suffer from gender dysphoria. If you don't know, dysphoria is the often evil process of hating the gender you were born in. After all these  years, I still dread the first look in the mirror every morning. Who will I see looking back? My same old masculine self, or a femininized version of him. Some mornings I land in my happy place and others I don't. I usually settle on a middle point until I am done with the mirror.  On occasion too, I suffer from having an impostor syndrome. When I think do I even belong here at all. Happily, the syndrome goes now away quickly because I know I have earned my place as a transgender woman.

Earning my place was never easy as I never inherited any feminine characteristics to start with. What I did have was a testosterone damaged body to work with. The only positives I had to work with were the compliments I received  on my freshly shaven legs at Halloween parties.  Then I had the tendency to overdue it when I explored feminine fashion. I thought I should emphasize my positives such as my legs and at the same time play down my body negatives such as a thick torso. All of it led to massive fashion mistakes before I learned to dress to blend in with the other women I encountered in public. I lived through all of those and found a happy place I could live with.

Around this time was when my happy place location started to change and move around. It shifted from appearance only into a personality based place. Mainly because, suddenly I was closely interacting with the public as a trans woman. It all meant so much more to me than my days as a casual cross dresser. All I know was I was up to the challenge and enjoyed my new happy place everytime it presented itself to me. Outside of a few instances of impostor syndrome, I was learning more and more I could indeed live my dream of being a transgender woman in the world. It turned out my happy place did exist in the feminine world and more and more I wanted out of my old boring male existence. 

Still I had a lot of climbing to do to rid myself of the old baggage I needed to lose to transition. I wondered at the time what I would do about everything I loved in life such as my daughter, (hobbies such as sports) and what was left of my business. It turned out destiny took it's own course with my baggage. My daughter supported me completely while my brother rejected me, so I was the recipient of the best part of the deal. As far as my business went, it mercifully closed due to a weakened economy and other factors, leaving me close to having an early retirement. As far as hobbies went, ironically I found a group of women who were as passionate as I was about sports, so I had friends to watch our favorite games with. So as you can tell, outside of the obvious gender issues, I was able to restart my happy place without a whole lot of extra effort. 

When I found my new happy place, it felt so natural I wondered why I did not pursue it earlier. I know early on I was into my appearance as a woman completely and often missed the basics of movement and communication to further my femininity. It turned out I did not have to worry because the deeper I delved into my new life, the more fluid and natural I became. Practice made perfect in so many ways along with the fact I became secure into who I was. When I did, I didn't care what others thought of me and my confidence as a trans woman increased.

It turned out, destiny took it's time but ultimately led me the right direction.    

Flashing a Trans Girl

From the Archives. Club Diversity
Columbus, Ohio.

Before you think I am preparing to write a post about me "flashing" another person. No my skirt was not too short or anything else on that occasion. I was wearing my typical fall fashion, boots, jeans and sweater. 

In truth and as boring as it may seem, the only person  who was flashed was me and I don't think anyone else noticed. At least, I hoped not. As it was, my flash occurred just after I increased my dosage of gender affirming hormones. On the evening in question, I was out doing what I normally did, trying to enjoy myself with a drink at one of the venues I regularly went to. 

Suddenly out of the clear blue sky, I felt my face flush and I felt as if I was internally combusting. As I attempted to slyly look at the patrons around me, I was surprised and please to note, no one was rushing towards me with a coat or blanket wanting to put out the flames. Then, as quickly as it came on, my first hot flash as a transgender woman was over and I went back to my drink. I can not say the whole experience was as unpleasant as much as it was unexpected. Up to that point, my gender affirming hormones had ushered me into the second puberty of my life...a feminine one. 

While I could not go back and totally erase all the unwanted benefits of my first puberty which I called testosterone poisoning, my new HRT could help me into a new world. As my breasts and hair grew, my skin softened, along with my facial contours. Not having to wear wigs anymore as well as using less makeup helped my feminization in the public's eye as well as giving me a new found confidence. What I missed the most was having anyone to talk to about my second puberty. When I did bring up the facets of changes I was going through, my female friends just said welcome to their world. Little did they know how long and how much I wanted to be in their world. 

Up to the point of my flash, I had never cried in my life, even during the passing of both of my parents. The best way to describe the new me who could cry was when my testosterone was driven down, the hard edges were taken off my life. All of a sudden, my first good cry occurred one evening when a thunderstorm rolled through my Ohio town and I quietly mourned the loss of my male self. I took no real pity and for the first time, I was able to understand the difference between a good cry and a bad one.

As you can imagine, I was elated with the results of my second puberty in life which did not occur until I was in my sixties. Even though, if I had it all to do over again and transition earlier, I would not have wanted to miss out on the times of accomplishment and fun I had carved out as my old male self. He had taken me a long way in life on a basically successful journey which gave me highlights of having a daughter who supports me to this day, all the way to living with wives/women who helped me unknowingly be a better transgender woman. 

In a nutshell, very few humans have the opportunity to go back and try again. By going through a second puberty and flashing myself, I had the rare chance to not screw it up and be a better person. While I consider my hot flash learning experience as one of the top moments in my life, I also consider the process part of my passage into my unique womanhood. Not unlike having a mammogram. I am just glad, no one else noticed I was on fire one minute and reaching for my coat the second because my thermostat was broken and I was freezing. All part of my second puberty.

See, I told you this post wasn't going to be part of a sensual flash in anyway. Sorry! 

Earning Motherhood

 

Liz on left with me preparing to celebrate
Mother's Day with her son over a Margarita.
Photo by AJ Trumble.

To be clear, I never have asked for the honor of being called "Mother" from either one of my off springs. 

I have a daughter of my own who means the world to me and a step son who I love very much. I met him when I met my wife Liz and was accepted into his world immediately with no questions asked. 

My daughter started the Mother's Day ball rolling last year when I received a small gift and a Happy Mother's Day for the first time from her. Truthfully, I was brought to tears by the thought. I was forever finished with Father's Day. 

I consider the title of Mother to be the ultimate compliment and as I said, not one I take lightly. I also think being referred to as Mother represents a total erasure of all the years of testosterone poisoning and an unwanted male life I went through. It means to me, my immediate family sees me as a full fledged trans woman. I even respected my own Mom enough to use her first name as my middle name when I legally changed it. Even though she never approved of my gender transition. Even to the point of being a relatively harmless cross dresser or transvestite. Back in those days, neither one of us knew the depth of gender issues. I considered Mom to be a product of her generation (WWII/Depression) and moved on after her death. 

Needless to say, most of my gender journey was never easy and represented many roadblocks along the way. I can only say, I never expected to arrive where I am today. Maybe I should come up with another book and call it "From the Mirror to the World...A Transgender Journey." 

We shall see.

Puberty

 

Estrogen patch on 
UnSplash

It isn't often in life a human gets to go through puberty twice. 

More than a few transgender women and trans men are counted among those who have had experienced puberty on both sides of the binary gender borders. Of course starting hormone replacement therapy will kick start another puberty. Even though my HRT began at a minimum level of medications, quickly I began the changes I was craving. Probably quicker than others because my natural output of testosterone was decreasing because of my age which was in my early sixties. Regardless, the changes were shocking to me on occasion. 

Very quickly, my breasts started to grow, even to the point of having to consider wearing very loose fitting shirts to cover up my new found shapes. All the process really did was speed up how long I had to actually quit wearing any of my male clothes at all, learn more and more how (and if) I could live as a transgender woman and never look back. As it turned out, there were many other positive changes I quickly went through to seal my decision. My skin softened as my body hair thinned out and my facial angles began to soften also. Not to mention, my hair was following the lead of what my doctor told me and really started to grow. Wigs were quickly out for me as I had no male patterned baldness. 

All the changes led me to a very androgynous appearance. All of a sudden I was losing all of the "Sir" references I cringed at. I was amazed at my progress which was happening with my minimum dosages I was prescribed. It is always very important for me to note I was (and am) under a doctors' care for my hormone replacement therapy. Along the way I have sadly seen the effects of hormones unsupervised on transgender women. I wanted no part of being unsupervised at my later stages of life on hormones which have the capability of making such dramatic changes. 

One of the most dramatic changes I went through one night when I was in the middle of my second puberty was when I experienced my first major hot flash. I was in one of my favorite venues enjoying a tall beer when all of the sudden I felt as if I was internally combusting. The hot flash came on so fast and so completely, I was taken aback and wondered if anyone else noticed I was on fire. No one did and I finished my drink and headed out into the cooler autumn evening to make sure I could look at myself in my car mirror. Surprisingly, I looked the same and no worse for wear after my hot flash. When I brought up the experience to my cis-woman friends, they just smiled and said welcome to their world of hormonal change.

Although, I was amazed how quickly the external  HRT changes took place and ecstatic, the internal difference I was going through was just as amazing. All of a sudden for the first time in my life,  I could cry and to a lesser extent my internal thermostat went through a radical time when all of a sudden I was cold more often and even my sense of smell improved. In other words, my world just softened and I was happier.

These days, my hormonal transition continues as my body fat is shifting to my thighs, hips and rear area. Very simply I am amazed and happy I don't have to go back to the old days of fashioning foam pads to give myself a feminine shape. 

I remember the days so long ago when I was not particularly happy when I was going through the changes of male puberty. I didn't want to grow bigger and more angular because I would be challenged when I tried to dress in my rapidly shrinking feminine wardrobe. As my life went by, there was nothing I could do concerning going through a male puberty and ending up facing the effects of testosterone poisoning for what amounted to over a half a century. 

My only solution was hormone replacement therapy and I know I am fortunate to have survived and benefitted from the results because not everyone else can. 

Success

Finally my endocrinologist got in touch with me yesterday.  Approximately a week and half ago I did my blood labs to check my hormone levels.

My testosterone levels came back half of what the normal prescribed amount, so that is good if you are a transgender woman. Which of course I am. No real surprise because at my age, my testosterone would be decreasing anyway.

More importantly my estrogen amount was also low enough to be able to increase my dosage of estradiol (estrogen).

Since I passed all my blood clot, heart, lung and colon tests with flying colors, I was approved for an increase in my hormone patches from 1.5 milligrams to 2.0. Now all I am left with wondering how long it will take me to get my new patches.

What I hope will happen is a decrease in my overall body hair again and maybe an increase in my hips. The process started then stopped.

Of course due to my age and VA supervision, I have to be monitored again in about six months. By "monitored" I mean I have to have my blood tests done again to check my estrogen level. Sometimes I am fairly certain I set a record for the number of blood tests taken at the Dayton, Ohio VA.

I am not complaining though. I have been trying to get my Estradiol increased for the past year or so. With the increase, I still will only be at the level of several of the other trans women I know. I also know my endocrinologist is acting out of caution. Again due to my age.

Which I appreciate.

The Big Girl

"Big Girl" Picture by the Ohio River

I have always written about going out when MtF transition to places most likely to make you feel uncomfortable. For example, having to go to an auto parts store rather than a dress shop. Most certainly, the dress shop would be more fun but sometimes the auto parts store is the necessity.

So far, in my relatively short transgender life, I think the most macho place I found myself in was a junk yard with Liz, trying to get a used mirror for our car. It was difficult to dress to blend for a junk yard. But, the fact remains, if you are going to attempt to live a feminine lifestyle, there are going to be times when the "sugar and spice and everything nice" stereotype is not going to cut it.

Sunday, quite by accident, I found myself all so briefly in one of those testosterone macho situations.

Liz and I went to one of the big hardware box stores to look for and have lumber cut for her martial arts class. I didn't think much of it because there are always quite a few women in these stores and it is difficult to find someone to  help you, even if you want to.

Yesterday, to save time and extra steps, we decided to use the contractors entrance nearest to where the lumber is sold. As we came through the sliding doors, I found myself surrounded by a group of men checking out with their construction purchases. I had no choice but to hold my head up high and walk through them.

As I did, I heard a couple of them talking about the "big girl." I thought to myself, I will take it because I am a "big girl." Of course I didn't hear what they said after that. Which was probably a good thing!

Cyrsti's Condo Potty Ads

Back in the day, there was a decal of some sort which fit on the back of your potty lid of a wonderfully derelict old man with a bib, knife and fork staring down into the toilet-presumably waiting for a meal.  I am not talking about that guy.

What I am talking about is the picture of an ad I saw in a women's restroom of a busy sports bar Saturday night.  Excuse the quality because I was trying to go and get out.  The subject matter is women and their testosterone.  Look, I know both human binary sexes need "T", I had just never seen the "cure" advertised for women like that.


Maybe the "side effects" are in the "fine print" we don't see? Something like when you begin to start to shave your mustache every morning, develop a lower voice than your hubby and bigger bi-ceps. Discontinue use?

I Never Met a Toilet I Didn't Like.

If my mind serves me correct (or at all) I have passed along the fact here in Cyrsti's Condo that I was actually taking a half of the dosage prescribed to me of "Spiro" by my endocrinologist.  Spiro is designed for several uses and one of it's by-products is lowering a guys testosterone.

Of course, the idea of "how low can I go" in the "T" department caught my interest.  BUT-let me say over and over again, I am under a doc's supervision- actually two.

Spiro is also designed to lower your blood pressure by getting rid of fluids in your body and I thought I peed a lot before!!  Now I can almost set my clock and my itinerary to finding the nearest restroom.

Perhaps you are wondering, just where has all this medication taken me?  Well, I was too.

I'm always humored by the decreasing number of "Low-T" commercials for men I hear on the radio around here.  After a couple of men who didn't have Low T began to add extra to their bodies and died-now I'm hearing the lawyers commercials wanting to take their lawsuits.

Age	# Subjects	Total Test.	Stand. Dev.	Free Test.	Stand. Dev.	SHBG	Stand. Dev.
25-34	45	617	170	12.3	2.8	35.5	8.8
35-44	22	668	212	10.3	1.2	40.1	7.9
45-54	23	606	213	9.1	2.2	44.6	8.2
55-64	43	562	195	8.3	2.1	45.5	8.8
65-74	47	524	197	6.9	2.3	48.7	14.2
75-84	48	471	169	6.0	2.3	51.0	22.7
85-100	21	376	134	5.4	2.3	65.9	22.8

I'm passing along this chart I found which illustrates the natural decline of "T" as a man ages.  Please be aware I'm notoriously bad at reading charts and won't be a medical person in my life, but it "seems" at my age, I should be at around a 500 T level.

If I attempt to refer this chart to my latest VA blood tests, I can see how much lower my "low T" has become.  In fact, if I'm reading it right, I'm in the sub 100 range.

Before I increased my dosage!

Good news-bad news kids.  Of course the good news are the bodily changes which continue to amaze me. I'm literally euphoric.

The bad news (you know there always is some) is, if you have heard any of the dire prophesies about "low T"-no energy, strength, sex drive etc.  Are all true with me.  Don't pass me the pickle jar to open!  That's as about as bad as calling me sir! Just can't do it!

I'm writing this from an informational viewpoint.  It's written for any of you who are considering HRT.  I know I had a huge amount of questions-many of which went unanswered. On the other hand, those of you who have gone down this path will most likely have your own information to share.

It's such as personal topic with so many twists and turns!  If you have experiences you want to share, by all means send them to me here!

In the meantime, excuse me-have to go potty!

Deja Vu

By definition in English, the term Deja Vu is French, and literally means "already seen". Or is the phenomenon of having the strong sensation that an event or experience currently being experienced has been experienced in the past, whether it has actually happened or not.

On occasion over the years, I have wondered if any of the occasions when being feminine was so natural meant I had lived them in another life?  The "past life" theory is one of those ideas I put in my ghosts or aliens category of I don't believe- or non believe.

These days, as I transition ever further into a feminine existence, I have a tendency to toss the feeling of Deja Vu into the category of syncing an over abundance of estrogen in the womb to my HRT meds today.  The process of day to day influences just seem more normal. Not because I lived them before, it's because I feel normal living them now.

To put it into other words which you peeps from the 60's might equate to - through most of my life "I got stoned and missed it." Except in this case, I got "T"'d and missed it with my natural excess of testosterone.

Just an idea!

Saturday Morning Coming Down

Well, actually it is coming up if I could see it through all the gray clouds here in O-H-I-O. (Hell yes the Buckeyes play football today.)

In the meantime, there is tidying up to do here in Cyrsti's Condo.  There are more Halloween posts to write, some beauty tips to pass along and info on yesterday's visit to the endocrinologist. Plus, as you all know my old dog hinges her very existence on a daily walk. One look with those big brown puppy eyes and I'm melting, getting her leash and heading for the door. She figures it took years to properly train the human.

The "Doc" and his resident sidekick visit went well. I'm very sure I break the "monotony" of a resident's (doc in training) day following around the Doc.  How many transgender patients has he ever seen? Although yesterday I knew one other for sure as a transgender girl friend of mine had an appointment just before mine. I talked to her just for a bit and found out we both were diagnosed with high levels of estrogen. I cut a deal to back off from 6 Mg a day to 5 Mg but up my dosage of Spiro by 30%. Spiro cuts back on my testosterone for those who may not know. Other than that he read my blood work and figured I would live a couple more days.

 Purple MoHair Scarf by "LizT"

The beauty tips come essentially from idea's I on saw of Pinterest.  If you are not familiar with Pinterest, you can find essentially "Pins" of any subject under the sun, including fashion and yes, even cross dressers and transgender women. (We are everywhere!)

One of the fashion accessories I love are scarves.  A great scarf can add color or class to a drab outfit to be sure and I like them too because of how they look on a person of my height if I let them just drape over my shoulders and down my body. On the other hand, I can't tie them and make loops around my neck because I'm already too thick there and don't need the extra bulk. My girlfriend operates an Etsy shop called "LizTDesigns" and hand knits her own scarfs. (More hand eye coordination than I will ever have!) So if you have any sort of basic black or gray jacket you are pulling out for cooler weather, don't forget a scarf!

Finally, yes we do have more Halloween experiences coming up as the "bewitching" day approaches all too quickly. Even my lazy, non mouse catching black cat thinks it's her day!





 

OMG! Low "E" in Men?

I believe one of the fasted growing "feel good" medical fields is the treatment of low "T" (testosterone) in men. Everyday on any given number of radio stations I listen to, I hear the plea to "get your number checked" - your "T" number.  Similar to genetic women in the menopause years it seems men lose their "T" along with their virility.

I have written here in Cyrsti's Condo about secretly desiring to have my "T" checked and when the number comes back as very low, start celebrating and run out of the office.

It turns out now, the same insecurities men carry about being effeminate may come back to haunt them again. Read this from the Associated Press:

"TV ads tout testosterone treatments for "low T," but surprising new research shows a different hormone may play a role in less sex drive and more fat as men age. Estrogen — the female hormone — is needed by men, too, and the study gives the first clear evidence that too little of it can cause certain "male menopause" symptoms."

Can you imagine sitting in the "T" clinic and getting your scripts to be all manly and virile again and as you are leaving someone calmly also gives you a script for estrogen?

Is there a conflict of interest there?  Me thinks the idea will not be discussed with the boys over beer and wings. Yep, the same ones who are afraid of the "side effects" of developing breasts when their wife offers them a Midol for pain.

Just a thought!

My "Boy Friend" Jeans

For the first time this morning I actually felt a pair of my old guy jeans navigating over my hips when I put them on!

Nearly  16 months ago, my first prescribing doctor told me with the HRT dosages I was on it would take at least year to see weight distribution in my hip area. I have indeed thought the process was happening but had never felt it until today.
Of course my cynical mind went to work and I thought "well here I am in my own boyfriend jeans and he was me."

On a deeper level of course I'm finally to a point as a transgender woman when my new feminine curves are starting to fill out all of my clothes- male or female the right way.

Of course I still have a long way to go but I decided to step back and look a little closer at my progress.

Here's an example:  I have always told you all I'm not a frilly girl and I sleep in some of my favorite ex large long t shirts.  For once I paused to take a look at the progress I have made- in just the T-shirt and I was scared. The shirt came down to a couple inches on my thighs and of course about three quarters of the way down my arms...A good test.

First of all, I am my own worst critic and nothing is good enough.  I have to say as I tried to be unbiased, the person looking back at me in the mirror looked fairly feminine. I thought Wow,  this HRT project is coming along how the "experts" told me it would.

My hair on my head grew and got fuller as predicted. My breasts have developed close to a small "B" and the hair on my body has nearly disappeared (except my beard of course -dammit). Finally,  my skin grew rapidly smoother from head to toe. Now the weight distribution has been just some more icing on the cake. All I could think was "Wow! this is very cool!". But I better not eat any of the icing!

The "I told you so expert" I referred to was my endocrinologist. On my last visit after my blood tests he said "Well your estrogen is up nicely and your "t" is very low. We should stay the course on the HRT we are doing now and let the estrogen win the battle for your body." None of us should ever forget messing with your body's hormones on HRT is not without risks. So I am happy to have an "expert" in my corner- even though I'm impatient for more changes.

In the meantime my estrogen is winning battles when I wasn't looking and now I'm waiting for her to win the war!

Just Thinking

In my part of the world it seems the latest fad or trend seems to be testosterone shops.  The commercials on the radio stations I listen to scream every third man over 40 has "low T". I think really? Some of us love it! If I had the extra cash, it would be fun to get my "T" tested. When they tell me how low mine is-  scream YAY!!!! and run out the door.

These next thoughts are just a mini rant which have nothing to do with the transgender world at all.
Back in the day, elderly critters motoring around could be identified by a huge vintage Cadillac or some sort of smaller economy car. Today though they are motoring around at 20 mph behind the wheels of big 4 wheel drive pick up trucks or SUV's? Really? If they were driving that slow and not using turn signals in a blinding snow storm I could understand. But on a sunny day, slowing down a block in advance to figure out which gas station line to pull into is a bit much.
The worst part?  I'm trying to figure out which 4 wheel drive monster I'm buying to clog the streets. I need to plan ahead to those fast approaching days.

Don't worry though,  I will turn my hearing aid down so I won't hear your horn or profanity as you drive by!

Damn I'm Confused!

This morning I decided (for once) to get ahead of the game and go to my VA clinic for my required hormone level blood tests.
Just to confuse you, going to my local VA clinic is not going to the closest center where I have to go most of the time. It's much smaller , normally has one busy check in person and about 20 seats or so. You can't get lost in a crowd there!
Of course you need an ID to check in and at this point of my transition I still have a very male VA identification card. This morning I simply tied my hair back in a pony tail and went in.
I was fairly certain I would not have to answer any potentially embarrassing questions about why was I getting an estrogen as well as an testosterone test done. I was totally relaxed as I waited in line to get checked in until the receptionist glanced up and said "can I help you Mam?". Then he looked at my I.D and started with Mam I'm sorry Sir. Well I went from relaxed, to amused to elated!
Then it was time to "hurry up and wait" which is something all you veterans knew our military was famous for.
The remainder of the visit was surprisingly routine. The last time I did it, the process was a little tricky because I was getting blood work requested by a non Veterans Administration Doctor. Today, nobody said a word and I didn't have to say the transgender word once. Furthermore,  they are even letting me "hand carry" my results to my "endo-doctor". (Never trust a doctor to doctor fax machine!)
My reasoning is either the clinic workers know I'm the token transgender patient or my outside doc has been approved by the VA.
Whatever it was, hopefully today was a good sign for the future!

Tears and the Transgender Girl

Another of my "trifecta" of hormonal results involves tears and the trans girl.
Of course men crying is rejected as weakness- except in times of extreme duress and that was me.

Now I discover I feel deeper senses of joy or melancholy but certainly haven't bought into the fallacy that women are the weaker gender. Ironically, crying still isn't a sign of weakness. It's a sign of feeling. Memories, friends and world are suddenly closer to my emotions.

I still can't say I'm reduced to huge bouts of sobbing but then again I know several genetic women who aren't either. I can say though I have cried more in the last eight or ten months than the last last 50 years.
As in so many things in this transition process, I didn't set off to do a scientific experiment or to add relevance to my feminine inner self. It just happened.

Taking all of this a step further, I recently received an email from a person considering beginning HRT at the age of 60. The worry was the effects would be lessened at an older age. At the age of 63, I believe my hormonal effects have been nothing short of wonderful. Especially considering the minimal dosages I have been on for 6 of 11 months. The deepened senses of joy and melancholy are emotions I would have missed if I didn't start the hormones,
Of course in my decidedly non medical opinion, age brings on a natural HRT anyhow.  Certainly I have less testosterone in my body now that when I was 25. Another post for another day!

I'm sure those of you who stop by Cyrsti's Condo who have experienced much more transition than I may agree much of the process sort of sneaks up on you. You hope the changes are coming and sometimes they may involve a few tears. But as an genetic woman will tell you tears are just another part of the gender and not necessarily a disaster.

Did I know I was Taking Estrogen?

My question of the day came from a pharmacist in what I call my "back up pharmacy".
The majority of my prescriptions I get filled through the mail from the VA.  I pay a co-pay with the VA and my generic estrogen is the same price either place but I get bonus points at my back up place I can use for discounted gas.
This is not the first time I had a prescription for Estro filled at this place so I was surprised when the pharmacist went out of her way to tell me I was ordering estrogen. She quickly added that was OK they had women who come in and order testosterone. (Nothing about transgender.)
By this time I really didn't care about the extra info and I understood a pharmacist's obligation to follow up on what they are prescribing. I did wonder about her having some sort of discretion of bringing it up to me. Fortunately there was no one around me at all except the girl who was ringing me out...but there could have been.
Seemingly, nothing is ever easy and yes I could lodge a complaint with the company but I get so tired of complaining every step of the way.
From the endocrinologist questioning the VA paying for my treatment at all to the pharmacist asking me if I knew I was taking estrogen; I'm fairly certain this is a look at how my life just will be at times. Better hitch up my big girl panties and get used to it.