NOT for Entertainment Only

 

Image from Alice Alinari
on UnSplash

As I went along my path to transgender womanhood, I found the journey was never a choice and was not for entertainment only.

My journey did not begin that way. Similar to many of you, I started by exploring my mom's underwear drawer and wearing what would fit. All of that was seemingly innocent enough unless I was caught. Then there would undoubtedly be hell to pay, along with a trip to a psychiatrist. Later I would wonder if my mom ever knew because her underwear was stretched out, but she never approached me at all. 

It was all fun and games until it wasn't. Slowly, I learned wearing girls/women's clothes was not for entertainment only. I was becoming increasingly serious about it. For the first time in my life, I was obsessing over how I looked. How was my makeup and very limited access to a wardrobe appearing in the mirror. I even went as far as shaving my legs when I thought I could get away with it. In addition, I did my best to study the other girls around me. I did not know it then, but I probably was wearing makeup before a few of the girls I knew were allowed to do it. At the time when I could not seem to muster the same passion for building the model cars I had and painting them well, makeup was an entirely different challenge and one I could not resist doing my absolute best at doing well. With no help whatsoever. 

I found, for the first time in my life, I was completely serious about doing one thing and it was being a girl. Not just looking like one. It took me years to learn just gazing at my reflection cross dressed as a feminine person was just not enough. I needed more. My problem was early on was having the budget to do anything such as being able to afford having a nice wig. It was not until my college days until I could buy a long blond wig I cherished for years. Spending all the money on one specific fashion accessory proved my passion to look good was not for entertainment only. I was really serious.

Of course, then I really started to step up my gender game. When I was released from my military service, I began to seriously explore the world as the feminine trans woman I was destined to become. As I write about often, my journey was filled with ups and downs and my mental health suffered. Definitely not the way I thought it would be when I looked at myself dressed as a girl in the mirror early in my life. What I never had a chance to consider was I was not a transvestite or cross dresser at all. In fact, I was a transgender woman and needed to accept it. I was never in it for the entertainment and my life depended on a successful outcome. 

What I mean is, I needed to stop all the self-destructive behavior I was exhibiting as I sought to destroy everything successful, I had ever done. Along the way, I had tried to lose jobs, drink too much all the way to trying to kill myself with pills. Never realizing how much I had to live for if only I followed my transgender path far enough. 

I wonder now, if I had realized how difficult my journey would be and not be entertaining would I have ever undertaken it at all. I also realize now, I never had a choice, and my life would have been better had I realized it sooner. I would love to get back just a tiny portion of the stress and tension I lost during my life as I worried about my gender. Outside of a few therapists who tried to help me by telling me the truth about myself, I was on my own. My life was never for entertainment only as I followed a gender path full of turns and dead ends before I discovered my truth in my transgender womanhood. 

Trans Fun?

 

Holiday Image, JJ Hart author.

Are we having any fun yet as the holidays are upon us? 

Certainly, it is a tough time of the year as transgender women and trans men face the daunting task of facing unapproving families. Too many of us face a lonely existence this holiday month. In many ways, we are uniquely qualified to face the challenge. For those of us who were ravaged by testosterone poisoning and not gifted by natural feminine features, our path is a steep one to finding any acceptance at all in our transgender womanhood. 

In my sense, there was only brief gender euphoria moments during too many instances of rejection by the public. Every now and then, I would have moments of fun when I briefly succeeded at my goal of successfully presenting as a woman. Then, all too often I would ruin it all by not knowing how to move as a woman or more importantly having any idea how to communicate with the public as the person I had always wanted to be. 

Through it all, I did have enough fun, or at least satisfaction to keep moving forward. To be certain, there was a difference between having fun or being satisfied with what I was doing. To be satisfied meant deep down I felt natural when I was pursuing my feminine dreams. To put it another way, there was a flood of water under my gender bridge primarily in the decade after 2007 when my second wife passed away and opened the door to a total transition into transgender womanhood. If I wasn't hanging out with lesbians in their venues, I was finding my way in big sports bars as a regular. Slowly but surely, I learned I still was alone on my gender path, even though I was meeting and learning from a few of the cis women I stayed close to. It was difficult because I had always trained myself to keep everyone else at an arm's length so I would not be hurt. The difference was now I was finally at the level personally where I wanted to be as my authentic self so I could accept new friends.

If I had liked, it or not I had finally reached the bottom-line where I had always wanted to be. When I did, I began too actually relax and enjoy myself. Which means I was having fun, regardless of myself. Perhaps I was fortunate in that my path forward was complex but maybe not as complex as is the norm these days. Social media contacts were just becoming the norm and maybe it meant the tons of trash I needed to sift through to find my wife Liz was destiny and not luck since she actually sought me out online after reading my profile. Then, there was my public persona which I don't necessarily recommend because I was going out to venues as a single transgender woman. Back in those days at least, one did not have to worry about someone else putting date drugs in your drink while you were not looking. 

Looking back, I did have fun during those days and primarily it was because my confidence in my new self was increasing because of the people around me. I could copy what they did as women and do the best I could. Which was better than I had ever done before. I had paid my transition dues and was ready to face the future.  

Answering the Call

 

Image from Alexey Elfimov on UnSplash.

On occasion I am sorry to say it took me over a half a century to answer my gender call. But thankfully, I finally did take the call and listen to the urgent message. 

Please keep in mind I don't count all the years I attempted to cross dress my gender issues away. As I often write about, all cross dressing did was provide me with a quick fix. After I dressed as a girl, I felt better for a while before the same old tensions of life with gender dysphoria set in. The problem was, deep down I knew I wanted to do so much more than look feminine, I wanted to be feminine. 

One of the few good things which came from my gender struggles was practice made perfect. Even though I knew I was the only one who could see my progress with makeup and clothes, I stuck with trying to improve every time I cross dressed. It was so difficult for me since I only had the mirror to answer to when checking out my progress. The problem was the mirror was so good in telling me everything, but the truth and I tried to keep in mind I might look good, for a boy in drag. Not as an actual girl. In other words, I learned I needed to hold myself to a higher level than other cis women I observed if I was to survive among them. 

The entire process was so difficult for me since I had never been detailed orientated in my life. Just getting by was not going to be the way to go. I was fortunate when I encountered professionals in the makeup world who helped me along. One in particular came following a transvestite-transgender party mixer I attended near Cleveland, Ohio years ago. After the mixer slowed down, the organizers provided several makeup professionals to provide free tips to whoever had the nerve to ask. On that evening, I am happy I put my ego behind me and answered the call for much needed makeup assistance. The catch was I needed to remove all my makeup and wig and let the professional start over. His work and results were amazing, and I even understood all the tips he was trying to tell me. The end result was I was flooded with compliments and my gender euphoria soared to an all-time high. Furthermore, later on that evening, I was even hit on by a guy in a straight venue I went to with other transwomen from the mixer. 

That night, I did not answer the call to stay with the guy who showed interest in me. My reason was, I was in a strange town with a person I did not know, and I did not know if he realized I was transgender. Not a good place to be at two in the morning. On the other hand, I loved it when the other "A-listers" from the mixer were jealous of me for once.

Along the way, I ended up answering enough calls to barely keep myself going. There were plenty of times when I did not know if my mental health could take it, and I could keep going. It was then when I took the all-important call to begin gender affirming hormones and change my life forever. I was sixty by then and knew there would be no turning back. After I did, I learned taking the most important call of my life turned out to be a life survivor for me. I remember the evening when I decided to answer my phone for the last time. All of the sudden the voice told me I was free to live as my authentic self and the relief I felt was tremendous. All my previous misgivings were swept away. 

Gender House of Cards

 

Image from Erick Langfield on Unsplash.

Just when I thought I had my life altogether, the world collapsed on me.

For example, when I thought my makeup and hair was the best, I could do, I would walk or scowl like a linebacker and ruin my entire feminine image. Of course, then, I would have to recount my steps and see what I was doing wrong. It took me years to build a solid foundation to build my gender future on because my base was so weak.

What made matters worse was the fact at the same time, I was beginning to do so much better as a man with my career. It was like I was succeeding despite of myself. Down deep, I attempted to destroy everything I worked so hard to achieve. All the self-destruction really took a toll on me and my mental health. To make matters worse, on my worst days I would attempt to take my gender frustrations out on the people closest to me. I became so bad; I even lost a job over my actions. Perhaps the worst part was, I did not grasp what was happening to me. I kept repeating the same old stop-gap routine of cross dressing once or twice a week, feeling better for a day or two before I would revert back to my old gender frustrations again. Predictably, my frustrations would repeat, and my gender house of cards would come crashing down again. 

Finally, as I began to acquire more confidence in my transgender womanhood, I started to increasingly build a better base and feel better about the major struggles I knew were coming up ahead. Primarily, what was I going to do about my twenty-five-year marriage to a woman I loved and a successful job I would have to leave behind. And all of that just scratched the surface of all the obstacles I would need to face such as what would my sexuality be if I decided to live full-time as a transgender woman. The path ahead, at the least was very murky. 

Since I was a very social person, I needed to figure out how not to be so lonely anymore. I just could not keep going out to be alone. My dilemma was men did not approach me seriously and I did not know how to react if they did. My first date with a man was with a transgender man who afterwards said I was very scared. Which was true. The problem became when the only other path to being social for me came by approaching other cis women. Fortunately, I did not have a problem because more and more of them approached me. For whatever reason. Regardless, when I went out socially, I ended up at the least talking with other women. Just having the chance to practice my feminine communication helped me to build a better gender base to build from. 

From that point, life became easier, and my path became clearer. Increasingly I understood I needed to leave the male life I never really wanted behind and jump the gender border at whatever the cost. I was near the age of sixty and was so tired of living a lie and was to the point if I did not complete my transition, I would never have the chance to live my dream.

By this time, I was able to build a solid gender house of cards, so everything turned out successfully when I made the final move. Perhaps here would be a good time to quote Paula from the UK: "For some of us there is a real need not just dress as a woman, for the world to experience us, and accept us as a woman ~ it is not enough that in our mind we are women, we need to go all the way; and that is why we need to transition. I too remember my wife saying (with no intended irony at all) "It takes balls to be a woman"

Most certainly Paula our wives were right. That is the primary reason it takes a solid foundation to approach transgender womanhood. Thanks for the comment!

Who was the Problem?

 

Image from Ben White on UnSplash

Looking back at my long journey to transgender womanhood, I finally discovered I was the true problem all along.

I was in shock. All this time I was desperately seeking someone else to blame for my gender identity issues. I kept thinking I was alone in the world and why did it have to be me. Remember too I grew up in the pre-internet generation before there was much if any real information available to gender challenged people. The struggle was real.

It took me years to figure out I was not a man cross dressing as a woman but rather I was a woman cross dressing as a man. To arrive at such a major point in my life required years of trial and error in the public's eye as a novice femininized person. To advance to the life I had always dreamed of, required a lot of work on one hand and confidence I could do it on the other. 

Somehow, I needed to work through all my paranoia I was experiencing and begin to enjoy my new life. I equate it now with learning to dance with a new partner and beginning to feel at ease with it. Primarily when I tried to perfect moving as fluidly and gracefully as a natural woman. Moving like a linebacker at a dance was out. It all was a major obstacle towards moving to my dream. Or could I ever hope to be able to live fulltime as a woman like I had seen others around me do. Then if moving as a woman was not difficult, communicating came along and presented the greatest challenges of all. 

The act of communication came up on me quickly. As I started to go out in the public's eye just to get out of the house as a woman, the better I became doing it. I learned quickly, how many other women wanted to communicate with me. For the most part, they were just being nice and wanted to know what I was doing in their world. Once they found out why I was there and I did not pose a threat, they wanted to know more. If I did not learn the basics of feminine communication quickly, then I would be the problem if I came off as unfriendly or even worse, bitchy. To work on my fears, I went back to the mirror to practice talking as a woman. It was bad when at first, all I could come up with was a scratchy falsetto which just would not work. Initially, before I began vocal lessons, I started with a quiet background voice as I tried my best to mimic the woman I was talking to. 

Perhaps the biggest problem I encountered was adjusting to the basic passive aggressive spirit of women everywhere. Primarily, I needed to learn a smiling face did not always mean acceptance from another woman. I was the problem when I treated smiles as acceptance and learned the hard way when they were not. I think I still have the scars down my back to prove it.

It turned out, my basic stubbornness to leave my male self behind was the real problem. All the stress and tension he caused over the years cannot be reclaimed.  In the end, I needed to put all the blame on myself. If I could have understood all my gender issues over the years, life would have been so much more pleasant for me. I am sure it all goes back to me knowing I felt better as a girl and more natural. I have no idea now why I waited so long. Except I did not want to give up all the materialistic items I had accumulated as a guy. It took a transgender woman to whisper in my ear that all would OK if I just had followed my heart and transitioned. Then I would not have been the problem at all. 

The Double Edged Gender Sword

Image from JJ Hart. Wife Liz on left.

The longer we live as transgender women and trans men, often we find many aspects which represent a double edged sword. 

One of the edges of the sword has to be the duress we feel when at first we arrive in public for the first time. To make matters worse, we have no peer group to help us out of the mirror to be judged by the harsh eyes of the world. No one to tell us we looked clownish as we tried the makeup arts for the first time. I can't tell you how many times I hurried home in tears following being stared at at the least, or laughed out of a venue at the worst.

From it all, I learned to develop a thick skin and always go back to the drawing board as quickly as I could to help solve any presentation problems I might have had. Even when I was doing it, the cross dresser drawing board was certainly difficult to figure out. What happened was, I used the very brief moments of gender euphoria I earned and moved forward attempting to tightrope my way along the sharp edge of my sword. I was risking ridicule at the least and the loss of family, friends and employment at the worst. Failure as a transgender woman was a very real pressure.

Once I began to learn how to present in public more effectively as a transgender woman, I began to use my sword more effectively.  Then the world became much more comfortable for me in my quest to live my femininized dreams. In addition, my makeup arts became better as well as my use of hair to enhance my appearance. 

It bares mentioning also, going through the overall transgender experience, made me a more resilient person and set up to battle the more challenging times we face. I learned in my research transgender folk have always been around and always will be, no matter who tries to erase us. Battling the sword all these years helped me be more secure in my transgender identity. 

In all fairness to my sword, it started out very dull. I worked long and hard to sharpen it by going out in public which was the best indicator of my progress.  So I took all the good and bad and did the best I could with it. All my interaction with the public included the dark evenings when red-necks repeatedly kept playing "Dude Looks Like a Lady" on the juke box in a venue where I was a regular. Since management at the time would not support me, I left to find another venue and took my money elsewhere. I was rewarded months later when an employee from the venue I was discouraged from coming to, found me in another venue and invited me back. To make matters even better, the manager who would not back me up was fired for drug use. Excluding a stray bigoted woman in the woman's room, I never had any further problems there again.

Once my gender sword swung back into doses of gender euphoria, I began to appreciate all it had done for me. Transgender womanhood was finally mine to enjoy when I learned I was not a quitter and was in my transition for the long haul. 

Trans Girl in the Winter

Image from Freestocks on UnSplash.

I happen to live in Ohio where there is often a weird mixture of the four seasons of weather. For example, when it seemed fall has set in, summer returns and the sweaters and leggings you have pulled out have to temporally go away. Now, around here we have made our way into winter. Which means I have had to dig a little deeper into my collection of leggings to find the lined ones. I love the soft feel of the leggings and how they keep me warm when the temperature dips well below freezing.

For my wife Liz and I's winter time walks, I usually pair my favorite leggings with my furry boots and bulky soft sweater before I have to go outside and brave the elements. These days, I need to force the issue with my walks since Liz and I are going to visit the Florida Keys in January. So I need to do my best to walk as long as I can when we go. Since there is thirty days away, there is plenty of time to write about our winter vacation before it arrives. Such as my first time swimming as a transgender woman.

If I had my choice, I would choose winter over our hot, humid summers any day. I like the fashion and the fact it is easier for me to stay warm in the winter rather than cold in the summer. I know possibly, I may be in the minority of all transgender women who value the look and feel of bare skin in warmer times. While I remember vividly the freedom I felt when I could finally shave my arms and wear short sleeved women's fashions, over the years, the feeling has somehow went away. One way or another, I have traded the feminine feeling of leggings for the sensation of shaved legs in the wind.

Either way, the entire fashion process is one of the reasons I enjoy my transgender womanhood so much. The planning ahead for the seasons means so much and winter is just a portion of the process. Of course we will see if I am just as enthused if we get any sizeable snowfall in December since I have one Christmas lunch coming up with the Cincinnati Alzheimer's diversity council as well as a Yule get together with Liz's circle of friends. During which I will have the opportunity to explain why I turned down an interview with a local television reporter after the election. 

So there is quite a bit coming up in December, including awaiting the arrival of a new laptop I thought I would go ahead and purchase before the proposed tariff's go into effect driving prices upwards. It will be interesting to see how easy or difficult the set up will be. I am not very technologically advanced. The laptop was one of the biggest purchases I have made in a long time. It was an online Cyber Monday purchase so I did not have to put up with any lines or pestering sales people. Patience, along with many other attributes will have to be my main goals following trying out a new laptop in over a decade. 

Overall, the month of December is more enjoyable with the fashion and festive Christmas lights in the neighborhood. I have respect for those who put effort into holiday decorations since all the work I put into my second wife's extensive decorations 

It all makes up for the drab months of January and February. Being a trans girl in the winter is yet another challenge. 

Trans Girl in a Furniture Store

Image from Nathan Dumlao
on UnSplash

Once I had progressed to a point where I could comfortably navigate my way around in public as a transgender woman, when Christmas rolled around I thought I could do my shopping as a woman.

Since previously I had helped gift my second wife an oak roll top desk, I thought if I could find and afford a matching oak book-case, I would buy it for her as a Christmas gift. Before I did, I needed to find a store which carried the book-cases. As it turned out, the closest one I could locate was fifty plus miles away in nearby Columbus, Ohio.

Before I made the trip, I needed to make sure I planned out when my wife would be working and not at home for the amount of time it would take me to go and buy her gift. Once I did that, I needed to add in my "prep" time to get ready to go and I was all set for yet another gender adventure into transgender womanhood. 

For the evening, I chose my favorite business professional outfit at the time. A black pantsuit with heels, my best makeup job and shoulder length blond wig. Plus, since it was cold that night, I could wear my long, wool coat to stay fashionably warm. 

As I left the house and headed for Columbus, I was nervous about how I would be received and if I was able to purchase a bookcase would it fit in my SUV and who would load it. I was so afraid of being "discovered" and shunned at the store. But as I entered the place, my fears began to dissolve as I blended in with the other shoppers as I looked for what I wanted. It turned out about that time, my first taste of feminine privilege kicked in. First of all, I did not even need to find a clerk to help me. Before I knew it, an eager guy was ready and willing to help the tall blond in her heels and pants-suit. 

He asked me if I knew what I wanted and in a soft voice I told him exactly what I wanted. In no time at all, he showed me to a cashier and I bought my precious gift with a smile and then wondered how I would ever make it to the car. Again, I should have not worried much at all as two able bodied young men quickly showed up to load my book-case. I loved it when one of them even opened the door for me as we were headed to my car. Brimming with gender euphoria and confidence, I hurried home to gently unload my gift and hide it in the garage. 

Sadly, I went through the process of returning to my male world in record time as my wife was due home at any time. Somehow I managed and was ready to act as if the evening never happened. At least this time I could tell her the truth when she was asking how my evening went. I told her I went shopping for her and to stay out of a certain area of the garage until Christmas. For once that was how the evening ended without a fight or me having to lie about going out as my femininized self.

The internal excitement of what I had accomplished that night stuck with me for quite a while and when it wore off, I had more confidence to shop for her as a woman in the world so I shopped again in other venues for gifts.

Being a trans girl in a furniture store was just the beginning. I will have more experiences to write about as Christmas gets closer.

In the meantime, thanks again for reading along. Your input means so much to me and comments are always appreciated. 

Was there Ever a Plan

Image from the JJ Hart
Archives

Looking back, I needed a very definite plan to follow as I transitioned into transgender womanhood. 

Similar to so many of you, I started by "borrowing" a few of my Mom's clothing when I could still fit into them. I would have added a sister in but I did not have one. When I became old enough to do it, I took on a newspaper delivery route in my neighborhood and combined my new meager funds with the allowance I received at home from my parents and with the money, I was able to buy a few clothes and my own makeup. Since we lived in a rural area outside of town, the plan was to stay a day or two with my Grandma who lived very close to stores *downtown where I could attempt to shop for what I wanted. The problem with the well thought out plan was my Dad worked downtown too and he was the last person I wanted to run into with my new "treasures." 

After I conquered my fear of shopping for cosmetics I did not really need, I was able to buy makeup which did not make me look like a clown. Another problem I had was, the only example I had of applying makeup came when I was able to watch my Mom do it. I wonder if she noticed me watching her. She was probably so entranced in her face, she did not notice I was entranced also. 

The older I became, the more entrenched the plan became. I was able to increase my small "collection" of feminine wardrobe and makeup as I went along and managed to hide it from my brother and the rest of my family. At the same time, I wanted to become better at the makeup arts and finding clothes which fit me. 

At the same time, I became comfortable with how I looked in the mirror and increasingly had thoughts of expanding into the world. I did try to come out fully dressed to one of the very few male friends who lived close by in the neighborhood but was quickly rejected and I scurried back into my dark, lonely gender closet. I stayed in the closet until several Halloween parties began to bring me out. From then on out, my plans really began to change.

During the parties, I learned how much I enjoyed my time out of the closet and I just knew I needed to figure out a way to live as a transgender woman without waiting for a whole year to go by. To do it, I knew I would need to start by telling my spouse what I was up to. So the plan was to find out what wife number one and two thought about me being a cross dresser before we were even married. It turned out wife one did not care and wife two was supportive to an extent which helped me along. 

The main rule I had with wife two was to never leave the house dressed as a woman. I started innocently enough before I veered off course and threatened our marriage of twenty-five years. I began going to women's clothing stores and malls where acceptance was easy to come by. Money was certainly more important than gender. I also would go to bookstores and even antique malls where I could browse with no problems to build my confidence. When my spirits went up, I planned ahead for my next big adventure which usually meant beginning to interact with more of the world as a transgender woman.

To do it, I began to stop and eat at restaurants along the way to make sure I had to communicate one on one with a server or bartender. Since I had an extensive background in the restaurant/bar business, I knew basically what I needed to do to survive. Just be nice, do not cause any trouble and tip well and I could be successful. 

From then on, I endlessly planned on what I was going to to next and how I could challenge myself in the feminine world. Sometimes I was successful, sometimes I was not but I always learned from the experience. In my life as a man, I had never really planned ahead on anything, so this was a big difference. Perhaps it was because I could not wait to try again to live out my dream of transgender womanhood.

*Those were the days of strong vibrant downtowns in many cities, including mine. Before malls took over and they tore the downtowns apart. 

It is In Your Nature

Image from Hannah Popowoski on 
UnSplash

Following my fifty year battle with my gender issues, I just gave up and went with what felt so natural to me and completed my transition into transgender womanhood.

It was certainly a long drawn out journey of self discovery. It was full of ups and downs as I gained my footing along with confidence as I learned to just be myself. Looking back, I don't know what took me so long. Perhaps I can blame it on my male self wanting to hold on to the lifestyle he worked so hard to survive in. He put up quite the battle before giving in. But give in he finally did. 

When I finally began to explore the world, I learned how much of it was run by women and in order for me to survive, I needed to get along one on one with the other women around me since men rarely showed me any interest as a person. Women on the other hand were curious why I was in their world and I was somehow valued for being there. Perhaps it was my honesty showing through, which I gained from jumping the gender border into their world. I don't know for sure but I loved the attention I was getting. 

It was in my nature, because I had always valued the women friends I had over the very few men friends I ever was capable of having. I just did not fully ever recognize why until I was fully allowed to play in the girl's sandbox. Before I was allowed in though, I needed to earn my way in. I had to show my true nature was feminine and I needed to learn the rules of a brand new gender game. For example, I found myself in a world where passive aggressiveness ruled and a smiling face did not mean it was a friendly face. Much different in the world of men I was used to. It all was more of a mental game than I was used to also as I tried to anticipate where another woman was coming from. Especially when I came down to interacting with their men. On a few occasions, I came too close and felt the claw marks down my back for doing so.

The whole process just made me stronger and more confident in the woman I was becoming. Quickly I felt as comfortable in the new world I was in as I learned how the gender game was played. Women are more apt to form cliques than men who form teams and instead of finding the alpha male for acceptance, I needed to find the alpha female who was running the clique and I was in. 

Once I was in, my life became so much easier. Primarily because I did not have to fight being two genders anymore and the inner woman I was hiding for so long had her chance to run the show. She took to the process naturally. The only thing she did not do was harass me about why it took me so long for her to take over. Which she had every right to do. More importantly, I found she was a good person and got along with people including the all important world of other women. Essentially I found I good set and enjoy the show.

Of course before I could enjoy the show, I needed to understand the process of how to blend in with the world as a transgender woman. It was difficult putting my old male ego aside and realizing I was never going to be the most attractive woman in the room, I could present well enough to survive if I had the confidence to do so. 

What I really learned was, it was all in my nature to do so and if I relied upon it, I would be fine.

Finding your Happy Place

 

Image from Priscilla du Preeze
on UnSplash

These days you may think finding any sort of happiness as a transgender woman or trans man may be impossible but it is not.

Take this morning for me as an example. As I was getting dressed and viewed my bare thighs before I put on my pants, I had forgotten how nice it is to view their increasingly femininized form thanks to the use of gender affirming hormones. In other words, I have developed my own hips, finally following years of hormonal usage. In many ways I took the slow cautious route when I started down the medical transition path on the advice of my doctor. He advised me to take minimum dosages until we could judge the effects on my body.

At the age of sixty, my body took to the new feminine hormones wonderfully and naturally. Soon I was put on higher doses of HRT and bigger changes began to take place rather quickly. I had set up a semblance of a timetable of when I wanted to shed all my male clothes and live fulltime as a woman but it turned out the timetable was a waste of time. What happened was I became very androgynous looking in a very short period of time. While I was developing an increasingly noticeable set of breasts, my skin began to soften which in turn softened the lines of my face. So much so that anyone who knew me from before would notice the difference.

Even though I was shocked at the rapid exterior transformation of my body, the whole process felt so exciting and natural I could not wait to do more and more as I accessed my new transgender womanhood. It all meant setting up new plans and timetables on who I was going to tell and when. By this time in my life I had outlived most of my family and close friends, so telling many people was not going to become a problem. I had even retired so I did not have to worry about transitioning at a job. All of this left me with two main people to come out to. My only daughter and only slightly younger brother. 

I knew at the time, I had a better chance of succeeding at telling my daughter the truth about me than my brother. My daughter was much more liberal while my brother's in-laws were right wing Baptists and I figured he would sell me out to appease them. It turned out I was right on both accounts. I found my happy place when my daughter totally accepted me and was down when my brother did not. I took my fifty fifty win/loss record and moved on.

To this day my happy place continues with my daughter and her extended family. In fact, my wife Liz and I just accepted an invitation to Thanksgiving dinner at my daughter's Mother-in-Law's house which makes up for the decade long snub from my brother. 

As the holidays approach, I hope all of you can find a happy place to celebrate with family, blood relation or not. In the transgender community, often we find the best family in non traditional situations. It is a wonderful time of the year to discover or re-discover a new happy place for yourself.

Finding your Happy Place as a Trans Girl

Image from Trans Outreach, JJ Hart

As I negotiated my way through the gender wilderness I was in, I needed to reach out at times to find moments of gender euphoria or happiness. 

As I have written about in the past, happiness was a learned trait which was difficult to come by in my family. Being good was not good enough, there was always time to be better. Little did I know, I was seeking to enter a world where being better than the average cis-woman was not going to cut it. Being better meant survival. 

As similar to most of you transgender women and/or cross dressers, I started out innocently enough as I raided my Mom's clothes and tried to admire myself in the mirror before my family came home. The whole process worked well for awhile until I grew restless and wanted to increasingly explore the world as my femininized self. Sadly, most all of this occurred when I approached puberty and all the unwanted male changes to my body began to happen. Very soon, I found wearing any of Mom's clothes was impossible as I gained unwanted hair, bulk and angles I hated but were stuck with. It was the infamous testosterone poisoning setting in which I battle to this day.

Rather than be unhappy, the mirror and my mind helped me to battle my way through severe bouts of gender dysphoria. I worked hard on acquiring the proper clothes and makeup I would need on a very limited budget. Of course with no guidance, I experienced many disasters on my journey before I settled in on an appearance which could get me by in the public's eye. I needed to disguise all my testosterone poisoning. Still, I persisted without much help and slowly learned the art of makeup which finally I did get some assistance with. At one of the cross dresser - transgender mixers I went to, I put my ego away and sought help from one of the professional makeup artists they had giving free advice. In language even I could understand, the guy doing my makeup guided me through a truly amazing transformation. Even I thought I looked so good I was happy with the results. 

Even still, the transformation was fleeting and all too soon, I needed to go back to my boring unwanted male life and the happiness I felt went with it. Leaving me in a state of depression. I did not realize having a feminine appearance was only the beginning and achieving any standard of looks went only to the upper levels of feminine achievement for me. Beauty was fleeting and very skin deep for me as I continued on my gender journey. I was told several times by my second wife I made a terrible woman and in no way was she talking about my appearance. She was right and it took me years to put my male ego behind me and learn what she truly meant. 

I also had a close transgender friend who told me one time I passed out of sheer willpower. Which I took as a backward compliment. Meaning I was going to engage the public and do my best to be happy even though I was not the most attractive woman in the room. When I did, I made a huge step forward towards becoming my authentic self. It was not until then did I begin to gain new friends and become happier. 

Sadly, my second wife passed away before she ever had the opportunity to meet the new improved me but I did have several friends who did. Their main comment was how much more happier I had become. I guess I never realized how much my gender issues had shown through to others in my male life. 

When I reached this point, I knew my family and upbringing was wrong. I could be happy in life and appreciate it. Along the way, I learned the truth that all the money and beauty in the world could not buy me happiness. I spent way too long living in the mirror to keep doing it. The friends and wife I made when I put my male self behind me proved happiness was not impossible for me. 

Hitting the Transgender Wall

 

Image from Selin 
on UnSplash

There were so many times during my journey to finding my authentic self that I hit a wall or two or more. 

The easy walls came when I was younger and was trying to find makeup and wardrobe items to admire myself in the mirror. During that time and into the future, finances were a major set back. As much as I admired the pretty clothes the girls around me were wearing, I just did not have the money to afford any of them. There was no way I could go to my parents and ask for a pretty dress for my birthday or Christmas. Plus, I was stuck at a major point of my overall femininized image when it came to my hair. In those days, I was stuck with very short hair cuts such as burr or crew cuts and there was no way I could afford a wig. A major wall, to be sure as I think having the first wig I cherished did not come around until my college years in the late 1960's till the early 1970's when my military days took over. Of course I was against the wall again when my hair needed to be kept very short.

After I had served my time in the Army, I was able to secure the finances to afford a more update feminine wardrobe and my walls began to take on a more mental aspect with me. The more I was able to sneak out of the house and into the public, the more I knew I had little or no knowledge of where I wanted to go as a novice transgender woman. It seemed everything was being thrown at me at once and my mental health crumbled after I was hitting many walls at once. My male life was becoming more and more demanding as I became successful at my job and I discovered the more I explored the female world, the more I liked it. 

Even so, climbing the feminine walls were difficult. It seemed everytime I mastered one aspect of being a transgender woman such as walking, I would catch my heel in the crack of a sidewalk and ruin my whole day. As I continued along my bumpy gender path, I found mishaps with walking in heels were indeed minor in the scope of my transgender life. On the horizon loomed much more serious walls such as communication with the public and with women in particular. Overwhelmingly, men ignored me and women were curious about what I was doing in their world, I discovered quite quickly I was interacting with more women than I had ever done as a guy which was scary in many ways, including what would I say and how would I say it. 

I wondered what had I done when I was forced to actually talk the talk of the person I had become. I resorted to what had worked for me in the past as I had encountered tough trans walls to climb. I basically tried to shut my mouth and observe what was going around me. It worked to an extent until people (women) began to warm up to the new person I had become. I even was giving other women advice on how to understand their boyfriends or spouses. 

Anyway you cut it, I guess for me, gender affirming hormones created the last major wall for me to climb. At the time, I was doing my best to appear as a woman and communicate as one to the world. Beginning the hormones in many ways was a selfish move because I did it for myself. When I did, instead of more walls crashing down, they melted. HRT, when I was approved for it was a magic potent stimulant my body had been craving for years. Very quickly, I knew I had made the right move as I was able to tear the final walls down and make my way into fulltime transgender womanhood. 

Surely, I was bruised and battered by hitting all the transgender walls I needed to scale to live the life I wanted but I made it. When I look back on all the terrifying yet exciting steps I took to get to where I am mow, I wonder how I made it. First there was my appearance and battling testosterone poisoning then overcoming the problems of male behavior which also effected my life that all made for a rough journey. Surely there were too many walls to count.   

Happlily Ever After?

 

Image from Dave 
Goudreau on
UnSplash. 

When it comes to transgender women and trans men, is there ever a happy ending?

As we examine our lives , again and again, we inevitably encounter many pains as we make the transition from one gender to another. Most of us (including me) go through a period of time when we consider ourselves to be cross dressers or transvestites. We were in our own state of limbo, not knowing where we were going. I am amazed when anyone in the outside world thinks our life was so much easier and we were wearing the clothes of the opposite sex as some sort of a lark.

The fact remains, amidst the brief moments of gender euphoria in front of the mirror, we never actually had a choice when it came to our gender issues. In the case of many people such as me, my journey was very lonely and singular and I wondered if I could ever live happily ever after as a transgender woman. It seemed like the impossible dream and if I could ever arrive there, perhaps I could finally become happy. But happiness for me had always been fleeting. Probably because I had never seen much of happy in my family growing up. We were taught anything we did was never good enough. It carried over into my life as a novice transgender woman. 

No matter how attractive I thought I was, there always had to be more. I needed to be better as a trans woman. It turned out I did need to be better to survive in a new feminine world but getting there was a challenge when I went too far, too fast in the wrong direction. Primarily when I went over board in how I was dressing myself way too slutty and attracting the wrong attention to myself. It wasn't the type of validation I was seeking. It took me awhile to realize I could not make it to any semblance of happiness on the path I was on. 

I learned I never would have a chance to be happy in transgender womanhood, unless I began to change my ways and began to dress to blend in with the world. Once I did, I learned I had a whole new set of challenges I needed to face to be happy. Similar to many of you, I faced spousal issues as well as job, family and friends. I always considered changing my gender was a difficult task to take but I never knew all the nuances of making the change I would have to take. Being a woman, trans or not, was a very layered process and I would ever be happy if and when I ever arrived at my goal of living fulltime as my authentic self. 

Then there were the gender affirming hormones I decided to pursue. Before I could begin the meds, I needed permission from a doctor and a therapist to begin. Adding to the importance of the move but once I started the hormones, I knew I was in the right place and I would not turn back to my old unwanted male life.

Even with the HRT, happiness was still fleeting as I faced a wonderful new world. Most likely because there were still instances of public setbacks I still had to negotiate, which included times when my mind was playing gender tricks on me. I was still influenced by sixty years of living a male life and being conditioned to never be happy.

Now, at the age o seventy five, I know I certainly have fewer years ahead than behind me. Now I have to make a concerted effort to be happy. If I don't, it will be too late.

Intimidating Women

Library of Congress 
image from 
UnSplash.

During my life, surprisingly so, I have encountered many intimating cis-women. 

Probably the most intimidating of all was my Mom, a dynamo at a mere five foot two inches tall.  From early as I can remember, we clashed on many different issues probably because we were so much alike. On the girl side, I was fascinated from a young age when I watched her skill with makeup and hair. I could only dream of ever duplicating her prowess. Of course I would never get the chance for her to ever see the fashion skills I finally developed as the daughter she thought she never had. 

As I grew up, my intimidation of girls of all kinds increased. I was so jealous of their ability to dress in pretty clothes and wear makeup continued. In addition, I was so shy, I was afraid to communicate with girls at all. So my problems continued to get worse. I never had the chance to circle back to where I began. All the time I was cross dressing in front of the mirror, it was a very solitary, lonely experience as I craved the peer feedback other girls my age had to work with. 

The older I became, the more I admired women who were stronger and spoke their minds. You might say I was intimidated in the most positive ways by strong women. I was even attracted to them to the point I chose one for my second wife who I was married to for twenty five years. Even though she knew I was a cross dresser from the very beginning, somehow I secretly thought she would help me with my on-going quest to be a feminine person. She never really did help me much and very much resisted any ideas I had I was a transgender woman. 

Perhaps I am attracted to strong successful women because I wish I was one. I so admired the women managers I worked with because of all the extra skills they had to use to be successful. Most if not all of them had families to support at the same time they worked a full-time job. I was in the restaurant business and some of my best kitchen managers were women who dealt with macho kitchen crews. 

Being a transgender woman, I think sometimes I intimidate other women. Sometimes they seem to melt with kindness such as the hostess last week when my wife Liz and I went out for my birthday dinner. She was beside herself to make sure we were satisfied with our experience. As I can remember, intimidation on my part of a guy was when I was shopping at a grocery store years ago for the families groceries. In those days, a fashionable woman who had the legs wore an oversize sweater with flats and a mini -skirt, so I did on that day. As I chose our food, I tried to contain my fear in checking out, I found I was wrong.  As it turned out, the store was nearly empty and only had one check-out lane open with a woman cashier and a male bagger. 

It turned out, I really intimidated the bagger, he blushed and stuttered when he asked me if I needed help taking my bags to my car. I looked at the cashier and him when I said I didn't and she gave me a slight knowing smile. I wondered then, if she knew I was transgender at the time or not. Regardless, it was quite the experience. 

It wasn't until I transitioned into a feminine world as a trans woman did I fully understand all the nuances of what it takes to be an intimidating woman. For example, some women use their heels to begin the process. Heels give a shorter woman a height advantage to be able to compete with the men in their world. Plus, these days, more and more young women are becoming educated to give themselves an extra advantage in the world. 

It turns out, in my life, intimidating women are becoming the norm as the future is female. 

 

Building a Dream

Image from Moreno Matkovic
on UnSplash

 Similar to many of you ,my journey to building a dream took me many years.

As I am fond of saying, over a half a century of construction. A long time when you think about it. At first the steps were obscure and very shadowy as I snuck behind my family's attention to cross dress in front of the mirror. I did not know much about what I was doing, or the tools to do it so I looked as if I was clownish, most of the time. As luck would have it, the mirror often lied to me and gender euphoria set in, before I even knew what it was and what it meant. All I really knew was how at night when I slept, I dreamed of being a girl and was sad when I woke up and needed to face the same old male world.   When I was able to escape into my feminine world, I felt so natural and exhilarated, I just couldn't stand to go back.

The years flew by and I was able to learn more and more about the femininization process I was facing. At the same time, small glimpses of what if slipped into my mind. Or, what if, someday I could make living as a woman trans or not part of my reality. As I did, the reality of building a transgender dream became increasingly difficult. Partially because, at the same time, my male life was becoming increasingly successful and it became  harder and harder to give up what I had built. Still I moved ahead as the feminine forces within me were so powerful.

Since it is coming close to the Halloween season around here, I would be remiss if I did not mention how going to Halloween parties dressed as a woman did not help me build my dream of perhaps being a full time woman some day. Back in those days, the term transgender was still in it's infancy and I did not know how it fit me. All I knew was, I worried and stressed for months ahead of Halloween about what my "costume" would be. Predictably my outfits started out slutty and evolved into going to parties dressed as business professional to see how many people would notice I was a guy at all. Overall, I had several meaningful experiences at Halloween which provided quality building blocks I could use when I seriously began to enter the world as my authentic self. As promised, I will write more about them as Halloween comes closer.

In the meantime, I was having more and more opportunities to learn I was so much more than a man who wanted to look like a woman. I even received a  comment from "Paula" across the pond in the UK concerning a blog post I wrote on the subject:

"I often think that the moment of realization that you are a trans woman rather than a cross dressing man is the Biggy! After I accepted who I am everything else that followed was just a natural consequence of that initial revelation. After I had accepted that I was in fact a woman it was perfectly logical that I would want the world to experience me as such, so I went full time. As I wanted to experience the fullness (as much as possible) of life as a woman it was perfectly natural to get medical help, leading first to hormones and then surgery. All of those decisions were the natural consequences of that first understanding that this is who I am not something I do."

Thanks to Paula and all of who comment! I could not have put it better. 

As it was, I kept on building until I formed a solid foundation to finally achieve my dream. It was never easy but on the other hand, building something worthwhile never is.  All the lonely nights I spent going out just to be alone come to mind as well as the occasions I was shunned or even laughed at. At that point my dream seemed to be so far away. Deep down I knew I was doing the right thing and kept on building. It turned out happiness was just a build away. 

Man, I Feel Like a Woman

Shania Twain

 Maybe you saw country star "Shania Twain" as she hosted the 2024 People's Choice Country Awards. 

If you did, you probably remember when she sang the iconic song "Man I feel Like a Woman.". The song meant quite a bit to me for a number of reasons. The main one of course was I did feel like a woman, not to mention I would have given anything to have her appearance. 

The song was popular during the time I started to find and patronize two small lesbian bars near where I lived. One was a very rigid lesbian biker bar and the other was a much more mellow atmosphere where I happened to know one of the bartenders as my male self. Even though I was begrudgingly served in the biker bar, I always sought to poke the bear. I discovered the easiest way to do it was to play Twain's song on the juke box. For some reason, the owner and other patrons resented me even playing it. I found it to be great fun until I came in one night and the music machine was completely turned off. From that point forward, I took the pressure off  and just started to go to the other small lesbian bar where I was welcome.

In the other bar, I was able to learn many of the nuances of the lesbian community and figure out where I fit in, if at all. In my jeans, boots and makeup I discovered I was closer to being a femme or lipstick lesbian and found I drew the attention of the very serious bull or butch lesbians. I even was heavily induced into singing karaoke by a huge woman in a cowboy hat. Since I am a terrible singer, I tried to let her take the lead and I quickly left the bar shortly after singing. The only thing I heard her say was my voice was lower than hers. I never saw her again.

On the other hand, a super butch who was on his way to becoming a full fledged transgender man just happened to be my first dinner date with a guy. He later told me how scared I was,  he was right. 

Through it all, I still did feel like a woman and did appreciate the acceptance I gained from the lesbian community. I never had to try to adjust my sexuality and was validated as my new emerging self without needing a man and all the potential problems which came with it. On the other hand, there were a few men I did feel a connection with just enough to wonder how the other half lived. At the least I knew I would not have to operate on the gender fringes forever if I had to. 

Needless to say, I will never achieve the appearance standards of a Shania Twain but most other women (trans or not) will not either. Plus my womanhood was achieved in a different way than most cis-women. None of it was my fault and I did the best I could with what I had to work with. And, in the end result, I do feel like a woman.  

  

Complacency

 

Summer Image with padding.
JJ Hart

As I did my best to transition from male to female there were many times I experienced moments of complacency.

It happened slowly enough as I kept throwing lifelines to myself so I could survive a life burdened with gender dysphoria. To add insult to injury, I was not gifted with feminine external attributes to help me along as I initially tried to make it in the world as my authentic inner self. Disguising my testosterone poisoned body was a total learning experience. Angles needed to be changed into curves using everything from pads to balloons to foam. Anything it took to perfect my image and avoid complacency. 

The main problem I had was I could not avoid all the years I had lived as a man. The male trip was never easy for me to learn and even a more difficult time to forget. I had survived and even flourished and now I was trying to give it all up and for what. To live as a woman which became an all encompassing goal. I would practice the best I could walking and moving as a feminine person. Even to the point of being called "Ma'am" when I was at work as a man. I figured it was because I projecting a feminine "aura" to the world and resolved to add the idea to my accessories when I was out in the world as a novice cross dresser or transgender woman. 

I started to project very strongly that I was a woman to any stranger I was interacting with. Along with looking them in the eye, I was able to be accepted for the first time as the person I wanted to be but I still had to guard in not letting up my guard and not slipping back into any of my old male ways. Just one time walking like a linebacker or not paying any attention to my new feminine communication skills could essentially ruin my whole day. It did not matter how much time, effort or money I put into my appearance, if I forgot who I was, nothing mattered. For years, my entire existence was still so fragile until I put in the years and work to tip my gender balance.

I can't say, even today I don't experience moments of complacency. It is easy when the cis-women my age and younger are for the most part very casual in their appearance. Ironically, when I see a woman in heels and hose in the grocery store dressed to the nines, my "trans-dar" goes up and I want to take a closer look. Perhaps the person could be part of the transgender or cross dresser sisterhood. 

Through it all, complacency or not I have never forgotten how the differences in female fashion is and was one of the fun parts of transitioning. No longer was I confined by the drab and boring male fashions. I had forever admired how the woman around me had the freedom to express themselves through fashion and now I could also.

On another topic, I attended two other LBGTQ support group virtual meetings recently. The groups moderator is a trans man and does a good job of keeping everyone involved. The group is very diverse and I was surprised to see a couple of the transgender participants seemingly have partially de-transitioned over the years. Plus I learned the Veterans Administration has finally approved electrologist visits under their care and my mammogram was approved after four tries. The main problem was the hospital I wanted it done at still had an old chart on me with my dead name so getting a new one was the problem. The VA needed to approve the process and did so my dead name information has been changed on yet another document. Progress is progress I guess.

At least I was not being complacent and stayed the course until I saw results.

Feeling the Pain

 

Image from Eugenia 
Maximova 
on UnSplash.

Learning on the fly all I needed to know concerning my authentic life as a transgender woman often resulted in pain.

The pain, early on mainly materialized when I rushed the process of going out in public as a novice transgender woman or cross dresser. Many times I was reduced to tears following being stared at or even laughed at when I was simply out walking around. I felt the pain for years until I finally realized I was the problem and sought out the reasons why. The main reason was (as I always mention) my male ego was dictating my femininized fashion sense. He was thinking attempting to dress sexy would somehow validate myself as a woman. Of course, it didn't and just made me look ridiculous. On the other hand, when I dressed to blend in with other women, they validated me as a woman.

My frustration and pain increased until I became fed up with the entire process and changed it. My thrift shopping adventures began to change to reflect my new fashion sense. I was held back in many ways by my budget and knowledge of what fashion I was trying to buy. Sizing was an example, as I struggled to find what looked best on my testosterone poisoned body. I did not have the benefit of having any feminine characteristics to begin my journey so trial and lots of error is what I went through. Every time I learned a fashion choice I made  just would not work, I felt the pain return again.

My situation improved when my overall confidence improved to a point where I was able to use the women's changing rooms. When I could afford to go to a mall clothing store, I always checked with a clerk first to see if I was to be accepted so as not to feel the sting and embarrassment later. In the thrift stores I went to, the changing  rooms were not monitored anyhow, so I never had to ask. As I said, when I had the opportunity to try on clothes ahead of time, my improvement rate went way up and my fashion pain way down.

After conquering most of my fashion pain, next up came my paranoia over communicating as a transgender woman in the world. Of course I quickly discovered I had no idea of how women communicate between themselves. I found myself on several different levels when I dealt with the world. Once I figured out I was not "fooling" anyone else and just resorted to being myself, my life improved. One level of woman just did not care and basically ignored me while another level was curious and wondered what I was doing in their world. Overall, I was learning on the fly and had my share of pain such as the one transphobic woman I encountered at a party Liz and I attended many years ago. She was actively harassing me about what my dead name was. She was so evil, the experience still causes me pain to this day.

Overall though, when I compare my transgender journey to others I read about, I suppose I have had it lucky. Even though I had suffered a lifetime's worth of pain when I lost my wife, several close friends and my business in a span of five years, I was able to find new friends and rebound. Mainly because the friends and Liz accepted me as my authentic feminine self. I guess karma was paying me back for a lifetime of wondering what I was doing about my transgender self. All the years of doubting my gender existence came back to be a strength when I quit being a victim in my own life. 

Sure I was transgender but suddenly it became a strength not a weakness and the pain was behind me. 

     

A Spectator in my Own Life

 

Image from Author JJ Hart

There were many times in my life when I felt as if I was a spectator in my own life.

From the first glimpse in a mirror when I cross dressed as a girl, all the way to when I first went out determined to be a woman rather than just look like one, often I was on the outside looking in. Being on the outside was certainly not a great place to be. I literally spent decades of my life worrying about where I actually stood with my gender issues.

Along the way, I grew tired of being the spectator and wanted more inside information on how the feminine system I so admired worked. I discovered the hard way, I was not going to be allowed to learn more until I made the drastic step of increasing my transitioning efforts. Naturally, it was very difficult to do when I was totally immersed in leading a male life which I had become quite successful at doing. Overall, I was becoming the victim when it came to my life as a whole. I kept wondering why me when it came to my desire to live as a transgender woman. I finally had to shake it off and move forward with my gender transition before I lost everything I knew in life. 

It turns out the real culprit was myself.  I was afraid to face my truth and it cost me. I even tried to out run my desire to live as a woman by moving and switching jobs. Once I talked my wife into moving from our native Ohio to the New York City metro area. Then back again a couple years later. Living in different parts of the country was certainly an eye opening experience but did very little to help my gender issues. On the rare occasions it did like the night on Long Island when I went to a transvestite mixer and the hosts thought I was a cis-woman was flattering but did me no good the next morning when I crashed back into my male life. Then my poor wife had to put up with my mood swings.

Still I was a spectator in my own life when I walked down the long hallway in heels to get carded for my true gender to the times I did the family grocery shopping in sweaters, mini skirts and flats, I wondered who was that? It took me years to come to the conclusion the other feminine person was me and she had a right to be here in my life. Slowly but surely, I was building the life experiences needed to cross the gender border but it kept taking me so much time. I kept running into so many road blocks, I thought I was some sort of a gender construction engineer. 

Regardless as time flew by, it was time to put my gender cards on the table to finally determine which gender was going to be the primary provider in my life. What I attempted to do was live as much as I could as a novice transgender woman to see if the lifestyle was for me. Even though initially I did not attempt to do it, the trans life rapidly snuck up on me. Before I knew it and maybe before I was ready, I began to carve out a brand new life as a woman. Quickly I needed to develop feminine communication skills which was difficult for me to do since I was overwhelmingly dealing with other women in my life.

Through it all, slowly I grabbed total control of my life and became a spectator any time I was forced back into my old unwanted male life. In other words, I finally faced my own truth and flipped the ultimate gender script in my life.