Finding your Happy Place

 

Image from Priscilla du Preeze
on UnSplash

These days you may think finding any sort of happiness as a transgender woman or trans man may be impossible but it is not.

Take this morning for me as an example. As I was getting dressed and viewed my bare thighs before I put on my pants, I had forgotten how nice it is to view their increasingly femininized form thanks to the use of gender affirming hormones. In other words, I have developed my own hips, finally following years of hormonal usage. In many ways I took the slow cautious route when I started down the medical transition path on the advice of my doctor. He advised me to take minimum dosages until we could judge the effects on my body.

At the age of sixty, my body took to the new feminine hormones wonderfully and naturally. Soon I was put on higher doses of HRT and bigger changes began to take place rather quickly. I had set up a semblance of a timetable of when I wanted to shed all my male clothes and live fulltime as a woman but it turned out the timetable was a waste of time. What happened was I became very androgynous looking in a very short period of time. While I was developing an increasingly noticeable set of breasts, my skin began to soften which in turn softened the lines of my face. So much so that anyone who knew me from before would notice the difference.

Even though I was shocked at the rapid exterior transformation of my body, the whole process felt so exciting and natural I could not wait to do more and more as I accessed my new transgender womanhood. It all meant setting up new plans and timetables on who I was going to tell and when. By this time in my life I had outlived most of my family and close friends, so telling many people was not going to become a problem. I had even retired so I did not have to worry about transitioning at a job. All of this left me with two main people to come out to. My only daughter and only slightly younger brother. 

I knew at the time, I had a better chance of succeeding at telling my daughter the truth about me than my brother. My daughter was much more liberal while my brother's in-laws were right wing Baptists and I figured he would sell me out to appease them. It turned out I was right on both accounts. I found my happy place when my daughter totally accepted me and was down when my brother did not. I took my fifty fifty win/loss record and moved on.

To this day my happy place continues with my daughter and her extended family. In fact, my wife Liz and I just accepted an invitation to Thanksgiving dinner at my daughter's Mother-in-Law's house which makes up for the decade long snub from my brother. 

As the holidays approach, I hope all of you can find a happy place to celebrate with family, blood relation or not. In the transgender community, often we find the best family in non traditional situations. It is a wonderful time of the year to discover or re-discover a new happy place for yourself.

Always on Stage

 

Photo from the Jessie
Hart Archives

Sadly Sunday night involved an emergency trip to the hospital because my wife Liz was having severe pains. 

You may recall, recently she went through two surgical procedures and was progressing smoothly...or we thought. The problem with going to the hospital the way we did, in the emergency situation, I did not have any chance to prepare or, no close shave or makeup of any kind. Not even a chance to tie my hair back. I had to go the way I was  and try to rely on my inherent androgyny I have lived with since I began hormone replacement therapy years ago. As it turned out, no one on the emergency room staff seemed to care since I imagine they have seen it all.

More important of course was my wife Liz's condition which was initially diagnosed  as a bowel blockage. Fortunately, after her doctor saw her, he thought he could go forward with no further surgery but she would have to stay in the hospital on a special diet. What a relief!

The whole process meant I needed to spend the day with her yesterday at the hospital with Liz. This time at least, I got the chance to prepare. I shaved, put on some makeup and went out into the world to battle traffic to go to the hospital. Of course, during the day, I needed restrooms to use to get rid of all the coffee I drink. Most everyone was really nice except the usual two people in a group who were not. 

As I walked past a certain group in particular asking for directions to the rest rooms I was glared at by two women in particular. Since I had to go I ignored them and the fact the rest of the group's gossip had gone silent. Since it was shift change, I had to go right past the group on the way back. This time I was struggling because I can only walk so far anymore without my back killing me. So I was walking hunched over as I was in pain. Hard to present as good as possible when it is a struggle to even walk. But I had no choice I had to make it.

Make it I did, and the women who glared at me, I managed to glare right back at. After all, since I have been out and about as long as I have I am used to always being on stage as a transgender woman. Men notice me and more importantly, women do to. Most of the time, I don't have any problems at all. I mind my own business and the world minds its business. 

Happily, Liz is going to be released today so I need to go back and get her from the hospital. Once again I will get ready the way I did yesterday and face the world with a smile on my face.

Coming Out Day

 

Image from Alexander Grey
on UnSplash

Recently I know I missed "Coming Out Day" which I think was actually on October 11th. 

My excuse is I have been so busy with medical appointments between my wife Liz and I, I barely had a chance to write a post at all. Today, following a very early morning trip to Liz's hospital for pre surgery instructions, I had a chance to sit down, do a little research and write concerning the when's and how's of my actual coming out.

Following a bit of quick math, I determined I actually decided to shed what was left of my old male self and come out in the year 2010. Up to that point, I was still attempting to recover from the loss of my second wife who passed very unexpectedly in 2007 from a massive heart attack. In reality, she was the only major hold back to me coming out in the world as transgender excepting what would I do for employment. I knew for sure the company I worked for would not accept me as a trans woman so I needed some way to support myself. Since I was already in my early sixties, I researched how much I could make if I retired early on Social Security and determined I could make a living by selling off all the vintage collectables my wife and I had accumulated over the years. 

I ended up selling enough to even pay off the back taxes I owed on my house before the bank came after it when my loan became due. I moved in with Liz and let the house go which is something I should have done years before. 

I remember vividly the night I decided once and for all to turn my back on my old male self and live full time as a transgender woman. Primarily, I was exhausted from all the gender tension I was putting myself through. Plus I had started hormone replacement therapy and was rapidly approaching the point when I was at the least, very androgynous. I had put myself in a gender corner I couldn't get out of and deep down didn't want to. As I stared into the drink I was enjoying, I finally said enough was enough and why did I have to live the way I was living. I was dividing my time between the two primary binary genders and I wouldn't wish the ripping and tearing I was experiencing on my worst enemy. It became so bad, I needed to consciously consider which gender I was going to live as when I awakened in the morning. 

As you can tell, I have been out and living as my chosen feminine self for many years now. As much as I wish I could, I can't take all the credit for shedding my old male self and never looking back. I mention often the small circle of women (cis or genetic) who helped me along my transition path. It turned out I was making the whole process much more difficult than it had to be. It was Liz's final push which sent me down the slippery slope to a new life when she told me she had never seen any male in me at all and why didn't I just transition and get it over with.

I suppose somewhere along the line I should have been keeping track of my coming out anniversaries but life always seemed to get into the way and the reality of the situation of living my dream of living as a transgender woman was too much. 

The old saying is true, time fly's when you are having fun.   

The Gender Buck Stops Here

 

Image from the Jessie
Hart Collection

It took me over fifty years of cross dressing as a woman to decide I had enough and I finally decided to come out full time as a transgender woman.

At that point, I either threw out my old male clothes or donated most of them to a local thrift store which was the demarcation point of when I flipped the script and stopped cross dressing as a man. For awhile it was difficult deciding what I would wear everyday as a trans woman. I knew I desperately wanted to blend in with the other women around me but knew I had to put in considerably more effort than they did to do it. Plus the effects of the hormone replacement therapy I was on was beginning to drastically change my old male appearance. So a change was needed. My skin was softening, along with the lines of my face, so I was beginning to appear quite androgynous. 

With all these changes taking place, I finally had a one on one talking with myself and decided enough was enough. The gender buck stopped there and then. It was time to take advantage of a lifetime of preparation and cross the gender border and live as a transgender woman. All those years of admiring my self in the mirror and attending transvestite mixers in Columbus, Ohio would be put to the test. During the mixers I was able to see and meet many different types of cross dressers all the way to transsexuals to determine just where I fit in. It was about that time when the term "transgender" was being publicized and I immediately thought the term fit me. It turned out it actually did and my life would never be the same again.

When the buck stopped with me and I began to take complete responsibility for my gender questions, my life suddenly became easier. Even though I was still facing questions in the harsh light of the public's eye. I needed to learn being a successful transgender woman took so much more than just taking care of my appearance. Surely appearances were the path to opening doors but what happened after the door was opened became very stressful. How could I handle actually communicating with a man or another woman when I was so new at doing it. Possibly the most frustrating part of the whole communication process was how much it changed with each person I encountered. The process was not unlike playing tennis and waiting for the other person to serve. Finally I began to relax and make the best of a situation I never knew where it was going.

It turned out relaxation was another key to my new ability to exist in the world as a trans woman. I learned for the most part men left me alone and women were just curious as to why I wanted into their world at all. I valued my communication with other women because I was learning so much about playing in the girl's sandbox.  My confidence was high and I thought I had as much business as other women did in the sandbox. From there, I made the most of it. 

It is also important to note, when I determined the gender buck did end with me, there would be no turning back. I became so involved in learning my new feminine life and it felt so natural, I would actually take the gender buck and spend it. 

More Hormonal Results

 

Image from Kareya Saleh
on UnSplash 

As I look back on my most recent posts, I discovered I left out one of my major changes when I started hormone replacement therapy.

The other major difference I left out was how the world around me started to appear. All around me, everything seemed to suddenly soften. All of it occurred at the same time the angles in my face were beginning to soften also, so perhaps the whole picture was a part of a bigger outcome. And the larger outcome was clear, the minimal (at that time) dosages of estradiol were working and I indeed was becoming more feminine. So quickly in fact, I was forced to change my timetable to when I planned on coming out to the world as a transgender woman. 

The in between step which unexpectedly took place was how quickly my overall appearance began to change. I went from a macho guy to androgynous person faster than I ever imagined. When I did, I began to consider when I was going to tell what was left of my family about my plans to complete a MtF gender transition. Since my parents had long since passed on, as well as other key individuals in my life, my "to tell" list was relatively small. 

I started with my daughter which turned out to be easy as well as a huge success. Her only comment was why was she the last to know. In fact, she was close to being the first to know since her Mother only knew me as a cross dresser or transvestite and her Step-Mother fought me every inch when and if I ever suggested I was transgender. So the topic was rarely if not ever brought up. My daughter's ultimate reaction was she wanted to take me out shopping which I declined since I already had a growing feminine wardrobe or treat me to a visit to her upscale hair spa for a makeover when my hair became long enough. Which turned out to fit perfectly in for me as a birthday gift. 

Just when I thought everything was going to be easy with my transgender coming out process, here comes my brother (only) and his family to ruin everything. After telling him I was trans, my invitation to the family Thanksgiving dinner was revoked. It especially hurt because my second wife used to single handily feed an increasingly large family for years on her own and here I was being shut out for wanting to live as my authentic self on the holiday. Since that time, now over ten years ago, we haven't spoken since. Even still, I was fortunate in that my daughter's family (including in laws) and my wife Liz's family have filled the void. I did not need or ever miss my brother's support anyway.

My body seemingly took to hormone replacement therapy as if it should have been on the new hormones all along. Destiny was on my side. It was a shame I needed to wait all the years I did to finally go through the gender change. Since all the time I used up as a male wasn't all bad, I was able to experience much in life while at the same time I obsessed on experiencing everything a hormonal change could do for me. The whole process helped usher me into a softer gentler more beautiful inner world.   

I Never Looked Back

Image courtesy Rainier Ridao'
on UnSplash 

Once I freed myself from the remaining shackles of my male life, I was fortunate in that I never had the opportunity to look back. Rarely did I think I was doing anything wrong and my inner strong feminine self was ecstatic with the whole process she waited so long for. Perhaps the unique situation I was living in the at the time helped. 

First of all, I was just emerging from one of the darkest moments I had ever known in my life. I had just lost my business not so long after I lost my wife and several close friends mostly due to cancer. At the same time I was really becoming involved with the internet where I could check out the possibility of learning of others in similar situations. Especially in the relatively new world of transgender women. I spent hours when I was off work seeking new information on my computer. The more I saw, the more I wondered if I could pursue similar paths towards achieving my dream of living full time as a transgender woman. The whole process provided me with hope for the future.

It was during this period of my life too when I had very few obstacles in my way. Since my wife had passed away, there was no one close to me to stop me from doing serious experimentation with living life as a woman. I set about to refine my appearance and learn as much as I could about the feminine arts of public life. Primary examples included vocal communication and overall attempts to blend in with the at large public. The whole process was equally terrifying and exciting as well as it took my mind off of my overall problems. Now the process seems like a blur as my inner feminine self quickly took over my life. I decided then to undergo hormone replacement therapy which seemed like the best way to continue my MtF gender transition and never look back. 

I write often about how the hormones affected me and how quick the process was. Possibly because of the fact I was older (in my early sixties) and my testosterone was in decline anyhow. At any rate, even under mostly minimum dosages, I was surprised how fast the changes to my body began to appear. Before I knew it, I was reaching a point where I was a very androgynous human being. Again, I was excited and wanted permission from my doctors to do more. 

I did do more and more and never looked back. Primarily because there was no good reason to do so. Because always living a male life was such a struggle for me and living a new feminine life just felt so natural. My inner self was telling me in no uncertain terms I told you so and I loved it. The feelings continued into my everyday life as I found I could be successful in a woman's world. Finally, never looking back became part of my life as I set out to be the best new person I could be.    

     

Hormonal Visit

 My endocrinologist visit is coming up and most importantly we review my blood lab results and primarily for me, she monitors my hormonal levels. 

In many ways, my estrogen and or estradiol blood levels are my life. Years ago when I started hormone replacement therapy, I was careful to seek out a physician to help me. I did not want to follow down the path of unmonitored hormone programs I had seen other transgender women undertake. The excesses of foreign purchased estradiol are easy to see and even easier to come by on line. Plus, since I was older (in my early sixties) I very much wanted a professional to evaluate me to see if I was healthy enough to begin HRT. When I was, I was elated. I couldn't wait to begin the new hormones and experience the changes which would follow. 

Each time I write a post on HRT, I warn everyone to seek medical advice and the results you will experience will vary widely due to many factors. Variables include your age, your dosage and even how you administer the medications.  Age of course effects the hormones already in your body. At the age of sixty (plus) my male hormone testosterone would naturally be in decline. Allowing the estradiol an easier path to begin it's changes. Dosage for me, similar to many others, started at a minimum level to see how my body tolerated the changes. I even went through a period of time early into my HRT when my endocrinologist stopped me from taking my hormones all together for another health scare I went through. Finally there are several ways to administer your hormones. I started my process on pills which were advised against by my first "Endo." Then I went to patches which I am on now. The other popular way to take hormonal doses is through injections which I have heard is the most effective way to do it. Since I have never been a fan of taking injections, I stayed with my patches which have allowed me to experience the changes I so desired.

Since my "changes" were slowed with my initial minimum hormonal dosages, I still showed amazing progress. To me, in no time at all, I experienced magical changes including breast growth, softer skin and increased hair on my head which was exactly opposite of the hair disappearing from my body. Except my beard of course. In record time I went from appearing as a macho male all the way to being a very androgynous person. Even though my outward appearance was feminized, it turned out my inner feelings changed too. As I went through my initial hot flashes, at the same time my inner thermostat became broken and I was cold all the time. I found out quickly how cis women were not making things up and their emotions were real. My lifetime of not being able to cry as a man changed rapidly the first time my emotions overcame me and I cried before a summer thunderstorm. 

Through it all, I have labored under the possibility I could have problems and have to stop my hormone replacement therapy, Since I have the benefit of having two Veterans Administration nurse practitioners reviewing my blood work before it gets to my endo, I don't anticipate any problems with my HRT continuing the way it has been. Even still, I have my share of anxiety over any potential results.  

Still Melting

I am so over this ultra hot weather! Here in southern Ohio we have been stuck under this power dome of hot weather. As I have mentioned several times, we don't have an air conditioned house so the weather is so much worse. I am sick and tired of seeing a heat advisory on the television. 

By now you are thinking what does this have to do with being a transgender woman. Mainly the post has to do with the effects of hormone replacement therapy on a male body. Previously I wrote of a thermostat change which occurred when I seriously started on the hormonal route. I was cold all the time. 

The problem I have is how my age reacted with my new feminine hormones for change, Since I actually started down the serious HRT path when I was in my sixties, I felt my natural testosterone levels were already in decline. Making it easier for feminine changes to occur. 

Less is more it seemed as the changes started to come fast and furious. Before I knew it I was presenting as a highly androgynous person. Along with the natural changes such as breast growth, were the less noticeable but still as important changes. All of a sudden I could smell better and along with that it seemed my body chemistry was changing also. I didn't perspire as much was the main change. I wonder now if less perspiration hurts me now in this very hot and humid weather. One way or another you take the bad with the good.

Coming up this weekend is Cincinnati LGBTQ Pride and the weather is supposed to break for a couple days before we go back to the extreme heat again. We are still deciding if we are going to go downtown and party. Standing in the way could be my partner Liz's work hours and finances. We are still going to wait to see what we are going to do.

Until that time, I am going to continue to hope for no more rolling blackouts. At least now I have my fan to make life less miserable. 

No Diet Saturday

Yesterday was one of our trips up north to Dayton, Ohio for what amounts to my daughter's Thanksgiving get together. It actually is put together by her Mother in Law.  Since the family get together is not my first rodeo, I knew what to expect. Fortunately, I am nearly totally accepted by everyone. Including my first wife who I maintain a cordial relationship with. 

With the embarrassing spread of food and the holiday, both Liz and I called off the strict diet we have been strictly following. I called it short term pleasure because it will be so much harder to resume the diet which we have pledged to do after the left overs are gone. 

However, thanks to the diet I think I was able to present myself well in my boots, leggings and form fitting black blouse.  I was able to only be miss-gendered one and a half times during the long afternoon. The mother in law seems to always comes up with the infamous he...she comment. At least she corrects herself in mid sentence. Always. The other time came from my first wife when she was describing a wreck I had which nearly killed my brother and I. I just let that slide because she is a little ditzy. 

Then there were the grandkids who accept me totally. What a treasure! I have three. One of which is highly androgynous and is a sophomore at The Ohio State University who took an exceedingly rare football beating from rival Xichigan. 

On occasion there are pictures which surface later. If there are I will share them with you. 

Trans Survival in a Cis Gender World

 

No matter where you find yourself  in the coming out process, I am fairly sure along the way you may have encountered some resistance to changing genders. Mine came years ago when I was called a pervert in a women's room I was using. Later on that same evening I was asked to leave the venue all together. From other happenings similar to that, I developed what I call "Transgender PTSD".(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) On occasion, I still experience it today.  

How did I survive? Basically, everytime I had to go through extremely negative experiences, I shed tears and went back to the drawing board and tried to improve my exterior self to match my feminine interior self.  It was tough for me because I had very few feminine traits to build on after spending decades perfecting my macho act. Along the way, I still lived in fear of hearing the dreaded "Hey! That's a man in a dress." 

Gradually I did improve my appearance as I learned to dress for other women and to blend into where ever I was going. An example? If I was going to one of the upscale pub/restaurants I went to socialize I would wear a fancier outfit which would indicate I was a professional woman of some sort. On the other hand, if I was going to meet my lesbian friends at a sports bar we normally went to, I would wear a nice pair of jeans and top. All of a sudden, my life in the cis-world became easier.

When my life really became easier was when I started hormone replacement therapy (HRT). All of a sudden I went to the tipping point of no return. My face and skin started to soften as my hair began to grow along with my breasts. Relatively quickly I reached a very androgynous spot in my life. Finally cross dressing as a guy felt very wrong. 

I need to emphasize none of this was easy. I went through terrifying times all the way to feeling euphoric with my progress. Crossing the gender frontier could be a path I could follow after all. 

If you are considering following the same path, don't go it alone. Find a therapist or a gender professional to monitor your bloodwork and hormones. Estrogen can be a good thing until it goes too high and can become toxic.

In the meantime, try to relax and enjoy the ride. Very few humans have the opportunity to experience both of the binary genders up close and personal.

When it happens for you, you too will be a true survivor.  

Pejic Magic

 

Andreja Pejic has always fascinated me as a beautiful androgynous woman who finally came out as transgender some time ago. Years ago I yearned to be just like her.

She was recently recognized as one of the most influential transgender models:

" Now one of the most recognizable transgender models in the world, Bosnian-Australian model Andreja Pejić started her career in the early 2000s as the world’s first completely androgynous supermodel, never conforming to gender norms and walking in both men’s and women’s shows for Jean Paul Gautier and Marc Jacobs.

 After undergoing sex reassignment surgery in 2013, Pejić publicly came out as transgender, and has since appeared on the covers of many major fashion magazines. She even forayed into film in the 2018 crime thriller The Girl in the Spider’s Web."

This came from "Helen Boyd's" post on Facebook.

A Step Forward?

 Recently, I have been reading about and even know a couple people who describe themselves as non binary humans. It's my guess most of them would also be known as gender fluid or even androgynous back in the day. 

Then again, I don't like to become mired in labels. Plus, as Connie has brought up in a few of her comments about how years ago, there were only two recognized genders. Then as the years progressed the transgender term became a reality. I remember the first times I became aware of the idea of a transgender person, the more it made sense to me.

All of the sudden, the impossibly feminine cross dressers I encountered at the very early transvestite mixers I attended made sense. They weren't cross dressers at all but rather, they were transgender. While we are on the topic of labels, a few of them even made the jump to transsexual and went all the way to sex change surgery. As it was known as then. 

Now, I personally have gone way past the idea of operating outside of the gender binary. I am firmly in the transgender camp and have no desire to vary my existence at all back to any aspect of my previous male life. 

On the other hand, I am fascinated by those who aren't and are able to be gender fluid or non binary. Hopefully, all of it represents a step forward for humans everywhere.  

In the meantime, here is the transgender flag. (I think) Because these days, everything changes so quickly in the world of gender.

 

Non Binary Discussion

 This comment on considering yourself "non binary" or not, comes from Connie:

"I know that I am not non-binary, and never have been. I have purposely lived toward either end of the gender spectrum for nearly seventy years, but never felt comfortable anywhere in-between. For those who are wanting to find comfort there, I can only imagine how difficult that might be. Of course, I absolutely know how difficult it has been for me to live as either a man or a woman, but I have always tried to be as unambiguous about it as I could be; people can usually conclude my gender by my presentation (whether they accept it, or not, is a different subject). To be non-binary in one's gender (or genderless) identity, though, can only be made known to others by declaration.

Non-binary people don't necessarily present themselves ambiguously or as androgynous. Some can be easily perceived by the average person as decidedly binary. As difficult as it may sometimes be for a binary trans person to project their true gender identity, non-binary people cannot rely on their presentation for others to see them as they see themselves to be. Mis-gendering must be a constant problem for those who see themselves as neither he/him/his or she/her/hers. They/them/theirs would have to be conveyed in some way other than physical presentation, anyway.

Somewhere between gender binary and gender non-binary, there are those who consider themselves to be bi-gender, or even pan-gender. Others may still be gender questioning. The only thing we can be sure about, then, comes from the adage: If you've met one trans person, you have met one trans person."

Perhaps the difference comes with the younger generation. Several of the ones I have met recently have steered clear of the "transgender" label.  But as I said, a label is just a label. 

Non Binary Fun

 These days I have seen the term "non binary" used in place of transgender in many instances. I find it interesting yet another term is finding it's way into the LGBTQ vocabulary. I'm sure many of you remember how prevalent the transvestite term was before transgender came along. 

I would imagine non binary maybe a more appropriate term to use with younger people who still might be on the gender fence. Would it replace androgyny as a major used term eventually? Or are we dealing in too many terms again in our culture. In which case who cares? I am sure especially the newer people dealing with gender change do. Imagine again having a very androgynous child who is still working their way through gender. In her/his case I think non binary works. 

I wonder too if the world will ever come to the point where acquaintances we transgender people run into over the years will ever come to think of us as non binary? My own personal example is the cis woman I met years ago in an art gallery who chose me for a woman's photo shoot which featured women of different backgrounds. Of all the people who lives I have crossed, I think she is the one who would embrace the non binary term.

Plus, since I have decided hormone replacement therapy would be as far as I will go to further my Mtf gender transition, maybe non binary describes me more accurately too. 

As a matter of fact though, I don't really care, I just wanted to try to write a fun post on the subject for all of you to consider.       

Non Binary Future?

Rain Dove just may represent the androgynous future of human gender:

"Hair" and Gone

My final visit to my "magician" has come and gone. As I previously wrote about here in Cyrsti's Condo, I am going to have to find another hair dresser to go to. Sadly my regular stylist retired. I found out during my final appointment she is suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome. Which causes pain in the hands.

As we said our goodbyes, I almost teared up (damn hormones). As you may recall, she, my stylist, is the one with a transgender son. As always, she worked her magic with my hair and I went upon my way.

My hair grows relatively fast, so I will be on the outlook for another stylist.

Now, onto another topic. fellow Blogger Mandy Sherman  wrote in with a comment about my trip to the auto repair shop:

"Good for you about going to the shop en femme. My mechanics know me, so doing that wouldn't work well...although I go in capris, a blouse, and flats when the weather is warm. Such fun!" 

Thanks Mandy! I thought it was a good time to explain a couple things about me for any of you new comers to the blog. First and foremost, I am a full time transgender woman. Using hormone replacement therapy very much blocked any return to being a male I ever had. These days, I would have to find a way to bind my breasts and tie my hair back to minimally even look male at all. The best I can hope for is to be androgynous...if I ever tried. 

I am fortunate though, because I never run into anyone I knew before my Mtf gender transition. They have to accept me for what I am. 

I like to say, I am a little slow...but not stupid. I knew totally when I entered into the feminine world, all of it wouldn't be a great time. That is why I heard so many times from my cis women friends when I transitioned, welcome to our world. 

As I sum this up, I need to say, I would never give up anything I have earned crossing the gender divide. 

To quote another familiar phrase, "What a long, strange trip it has been." And let me add, a wonderful one too!

Prom Time

I have written before here in Cyrsti's Condo about my three very accepting grand children.  I am so proud of the diversity and acceptance my daughter has instilled in them.

For years my grand daughter has presented as androgynous. However, she took it to a very gender fluid height for this years' senior prom. Her high school, obviously accepts diversity too!

Check out her picture! To my knowledge she hasn't mentioned any preferred pronouns as of yet.

Wow! I'm so proud!!!

What Will the Neighbors Say?

I used to worry all the time about what the neighbors may think about me. Before I made it to my who gives a damn thought phase.

Plus, our house is spaced close together with all the others and the cars are always parked in the driveway. There would be no escape even if I wanted one. I quit worrying so much too when I went full time. Which I had pretty much been, since I moved down to Cincinnati.

One lesson I did learn was to be the first to speak. The idea has worked well if I encounter anyone else during my daily walks and when new neighbors recently moved in.

Then last fall, our one neighbor added another person to their household, a young very androgynous woman from Louisiana. Since they have a daughter approximately the same age, Liz and I have had fun speculating if the new woman may have romantic ties to the daughter. Which may explain some of their apparent acceptance of me.

It's also interesting because they are very religious too. Of course I don't know what faith they follow. It's not so easy to speculate because even when Cincinnati remains very conservative and anti LGBTQ because of it's strong Catholic heritage, several of the cross dresser - transgender group I am in are totally out and accepted in their parish. We even have a Methodist member who has found a Methodist Church here in town which has gone completely against the church's recent ruling not to accept LGBTQ clergy.

Whatever the case, it's always nice to be accepted in your own neighborhood.

Emergency Room Angst

Having your nails done, in color at least, does represent some sort of no turning back as far as a transgender transition goes.  Here are a couple of stories. One from me and one from Connie. Mine was less painful.

Years ago, I was in a hurry to make a payment on my car and I forgot my nails were done. It turned out I was short on time and needed to make the payment before I was penalized with a late charge, so I decided to pay it anyhow. I was already on HRT and my hair was tied back in a pony tail. In those days, I was relatively androgynous looking anyway, so why not.

The woman who took my money sort of smiled when she saw my hands but that was it. It turned out not long after the day, I was able to pay my loan off and moved away, never to see her again anyway. It was during the winter and I didn't forget my gloves when I went in to make my final payment. Through the whole affair, nothing was said.

Connie's story is a bit more complex and refers to the Cyrsti's Condo post "Burgundy Dreams."
"Well, since nail polish has no gender, I guess it's for whomever wants it! I often see couples getting pedicures together - even whole families. I have yet to see a man by himself, though. 

This reminds me of when I was still but dipping my painted toe to test the waters of transition. A number of years ago, I had an experience that was seminal to my finally accepting myself for who I was. Because my cash flow had become so sporadic (I only worked as my male-self, but was only presenting that way about 15% of the time), I was behind on paying my water bill. The utility company sent out a technician to either collect or shut off my water, but I was afraid to answer the door with my female presentation. By the time I "undid" myself to stop it, the tech had done his work at the meter. I was told that I could pay with a credit card over the phone, and the tech would return to unlock my meter that afternoon - but I had to be there when he was. So, to make sure I wouldn't miss him, I decided to do some work outside. I was up on a ladder, that I had put up in haste, when he showed up, and so that worked out OK, and the water was back on. Not long after he left, though, the ladder slipped out from under me, and I crashed to the surface of the deck, hitting my head on a ladder wrung. My neighbor heard it, and ran over to help. 

Long story short, I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance because I had concussion symptoms. The first thing they did in the emergency room was to remove my clothing, and when they got to my socks, there were my freshly polished toenails, exposed for all to see! I joked that I was outed now, but the nurses were completely ambivalent. 

So, I learned a lot that day. Painted toenails are nothing compared to a serious injury. Had I not been afraid to answer the door to pay a bill that wouldn't have been overdue in the first place, if I'd just been living my life earnestly, none of this would have happened. Within weeks, I had secured work as my feminine-self, and I never hesitated to open my front door again. Eventually, I also learned that, although coming out requires the opening of a door, keeping it open allows for others to come in, as well."

Very profound! Thanks :)

Party Number Two

We awoke fairly early to eat at the free hotel breakfast service before heading back to our room for a couple of hours before we set off in the 90 degree (F) heat. For once, the eggs weren't green and rubbery and the sausage was fresh...unless I was really hungry.

Departure time was twelve noon and we had about four and a half hours to kill before the evening picnic/party. First of all I decided to make the thirty mile round trip to Springfield to check on the property I still own. From there we headed back to the Dayton, Ohio area and had an early lunch at one of the first places I went as a cross dresser and was the place I decided I was transgender. It was there I decided to go on HRT and start my Mtf gender transition. I was wearing my "stars and stripes" top and was feeling pretty secure about myself following the real good day, the day before. Our server was busy, so she didn't seem to know or care about me one way or another. Except I was paying.

From there, we went to one of my least favorite places, a mall. This particular mall brought back quite a few bad memories from my cross dressing past and my back was starting to bother me. My partner Liz though was able to find some elaborate hair tie backs in a store which even had a transgender themed t-shirt. They also had a very androgynous employee who was very friendly. We wasted some time in the food court to let my back recover and it was time to head back out into the heat which was made worse by a passing thunderstorm.

The next stop was back into the cool of a big grocery store to pick up supplies for the party and then try to fix our makeup before we headed out.

Finally, we made it to the party and received a warm greeting from all who were there. It was raining again, so we had to hang out inside until it stopped. When it did, it turned out to be a pleasant evening.

I had a very good time and was only mis-gendered once.

From there, we made the hour and a half trip back to Cincinnati and the party weekend was over.