Cyrsti's Condo Quote of the Day

" Life is but a circle if you let it turn!"

Jessie Hart

Validation II

I have received several comments here in Cyrsti's Condo concerning transgender public acceptance I wanted to share with you.

The first comes from Gracie:

I had a similar validating experience at the 5/3 office on Fountain Square. I had euros left over from a trip that I wanted to convert to dollars. I was chatting with the teller and the adjacent teller (I was the only customer at the time).

Everything was going fine until the teller asked for my ID. Not sure why the needed it, but their process wanted to link the transaction to someone in their records. So I reached in my purse and handed her my male drivers license. She started typing from the license, then got a confused look. She looked at me and then looked at the license and started fumbling for words. In my male voice, I said, " I wasn't dressed as nicely for the license photo." She smiled and continued on with the process. When I left she said that it was really a pleasure to meet me. The guard held the door on my way out and said, " Good morning Ma'am" . Great validation. I was on cloud nine.

Thanks Gracie! So exciting!!

The second comes from Connie and her unique personality:

The other day, I did my weekly grocery shopping (the only thing I'm doing in public these days). I was trying to ignore the dysphoria that lingered from what I saw in the bathroom mirror at home. It's always been the lipstick that adds the finishing feminine touch to my appearance - to me, anyway. Wearing a mask over made-up lips seems ridiculous, if not downright messy, so I left the house feeling somewhat undone.

While the checker was running my items through, I made some smartass remark (who, me?), and it suddenly dawned on me that my facial expression may not have been detectable because of the mask. Also, I couldn't tell if the young man behind the counter knew I was joking because he was wearing a mask, too. I immediately followed up with saying, "I just realized that no one can see my smile behind the mask. I was just joking...really!" The woman in line behind me, who was not wearing a mask, had heard me, and she bust out laughing. Aside from the probability that her robust laughing was sending airborne particles far beyond the six foot safe zone, the incident completely distracted me from my dysphoria at that moment.

Even though, after I'd loaded the car with my purchases, I applied my lipstick in the rear-view mirror for the mask-less drive home, I did so out of a positive attitude, and not out of a desire to mask my dysphoria from myself. Hmmm, should I call it an "e-mask-ulating experience? :-)

Thanks Connie!

A Triple Transition?

I have written here in Cyrsti's Condo how I believe I have transitioned twice in my gender journey. The most likely transition was from cross dresser to transgender. It took me over a decade to finally decide I could make the decision to live a full time feminine existence. For me, starting hormone replacement therapy sealed the decision. In a relatively short period of time, it became impossible to hide the changes in my body. I know too, others who have not needed hormonal assistance to make the transition. 

Now I think there is a third gender transition on the journey, To be fair, like so many other ideas here in the Condo, I picked this up from a Tweet I read on one of my email feeds. The person was explaining how she had transitioned from what her previous male self had thought she would be all the way to what her feminine soul knew she was. 

I thought, Wow! That was me, When I first began going out and exploring the world as a transgender woman, I spent way more time on worrying about how I looked rather than how I felt. In fact, if you go back to the earliest days of this blog, you will notice a definite difference in an underlying theme. Again, it was appearance over feelings. 

Of course, living full time did have a lasting impact on me. Having to plan a wardrobe out of only feminine clothes for days, weeks, months and years has taught me what I needed to transition from what my former male self thought would be appropriate to what my inner woman told me what I really was. For what it is worth, my partner predicted the very same thing would happen years ago when she asked me what kind of a woman would emerge. 

Who emerged was a person who wouldn't normally leave the house without some sort of makeup but wasn't the extreme picky fashionista I used to be. In other words I could be described as a "lipstick lesbian" a little mixture of leftover butch with a touch of makeup. 

The interesting part of all of this speculation is the fact I am still evolving in my journey when I think it is nearly over.

Who knows, maybe there could be a fourth transition other than death. The ultimate one.  

Vacay Post Four

This is also from the summer of 2015:

I believe about a week ago I posted here in Cyrsti's Condo about a fender bender wreck I had at a gas station. As I suspected immediately, he did not have car insurance as about a third of the people around there don't have.

At any rate Liz's 17 yr old son and I deducted my "Rolls Royce" wasn't heavily damaged and I was prepared to let scratched fenders be  scratched fenders and move on- after I took pictures of his drivers license, car tags etc. During that time he was busily calling me "mam" and we exchanged phone numbers.

Old picture from 2015...that's me on the left.

A couple days ago I sent him the bill from my mechanic's fully expecting not to hear back-but I was wrong.  He called today.  The problem is/was I have a terrible voice presentation on the phone and I was expecting a call from my insurance company.  So I was doomed to be Cyrsti's brother (which I hate) on the phone before I even got started. Later on though, we found the car was slightly damaged and suffered a broken strut.

After I answered, he said, he hit a female last week and wanted to meet up with her so he can pay the bill. I said I would have Cyrsti call him and set up a place. Then I had to beg Liz to call for me. Of course she will go with me for safety to get paid, but I get to collect.

What a tangled gender world we weave!

Action Day

It's finally here, the day before we depart on vacation.  Now, the fun starts. I am doing a final load of clothes, so I will have what I hope is a good selection of clothes to take. Of course, now, outfits are just the beginning of my packing needs.

I have a separate small bag I will take for my make up. Fortunately, thanks in a great part to changes in my skin and face from HRT, my make up needs are a lot less. Plus, I want to attempt to blend in the best I can with the rest of the women on the tour, who usually are even older than me. So, the emphasis will be on simplicity with touches of emphasis on contour, eyes and lips. Nothing dramatic.  So the make up and toiletry part of packing is just about ready.

Unfortunately, most of my packing will have to wait till the last moment when I pack my CPAP breathing machine. I plan on taking (depending upon room) four tops and three sets of different bottoms, including one set of leggings. We are only allowed one suitcase, so that is going to have to make it.

Of course in the middle of a day when we have to go the ATM for a little bit of cash and to the store for a few forgotten necessities, we have a social to go to tonight. It's the one which was moved from a small local restaurant/bar to a big corporate one. I can understand the reason...the small venue always wanted to close about an hour after we all got there. On the other hand though, it provided a low key non threatening place for novice cross dressers or transgender women to come to. The bigger place just doesn't offer any of that. We will see what happens with attendance.

While I am gone, I have tried to file an archive post to go live approximately every two days. Hopefully, a dual purpose will be served, some sort of continuity when I am gone. Plus a much needed blog vacation for me.

I hope you enjoy them!

Gossip Central

Last night,  the cross dresser - transgender karaoke social was mainly a cross dresser dominated affair. Since for once I could hear what was going on around the table, I learned several surprises.

The first of which was one the most surprising was the fact one of the most natural feminine persons at the table still worked as a guy and lived a male existence. I wish I had a picture but you are just going to have to use your imagination.

Adrian Cronauer

Another surprise was another attendee was a transgender veteran. It became interesting how much else we didn't  have in common. She is a "Desert Storm" era marine sniper and I'm an ex American Forces Radio and Television Vietnam Era vet. Yes, I narrowly missed being in Southeast Asia with the late Adrian Cronauer
who Robin Williams portrayed in "Good Morning Vietnam."   She said she didn't see any combat and barely fired her weapon and didn't live in the barracks. I said I didn't even see a M-16 weapon the last two and half years I was in. Out of three.

By not living in the barracks, she meant she lived in a tent. When I said I never lived in a barracks (except basic training), I meant I was paid off for off base housing in Thailand and with my Women's Army Corps girlfriend in Germany. I did even miss out when the pesky Viet Cong mortared the air base I was working at in Thailand.

Robin Williams

Finally, still on the subject of transgender veterans, one of the group members (also a vet) who moved became the topic of discussion. She was the member who claimed at one point in time she had all the signs of pregnancy, even to the point of being intersexed. It turns out the whole story might have been just that...a story. Since she now lives in Minnesota, not Ohio, she couldn't speak for herself.

But hey, the group was proving they could gossip with the best of them.

Of course, my least favorite person of all was there. He/she was still talking the same line of trash trying to make in roads with my partner Liz or even Aggie, the very presentable cross dresser I mentioned earlier. Last night I was fortunate I could set down the table farther and ignore most of the trash.

At least it kept it interesting. 

Emergency Room Angst

Having your nails done, in color at least, does represent some sort of no turning back as far as a transgender transition goes.  Here are a couple of stories. One from me and one from Connie. Mine was less painful.

Years ago, I was in a hurry to make a payment on my car and I forgot my nails were done. It turned out I was short on time and needed to make the payment before I was penalized with a late charge, so I decided to pay it anyhow. I was already on HRT and my hair was tied back in a pony tail. In those days, I was relatively androgynous looking anyway, so why not.

The woman who took my money sort of smiled when she saw my hands but that was it. It turned out not long after the day, I was able to pay my loan off and moved away, never to see her again anyway. It was during the winter and I didn't forget my gloves when I went in to make my final payment. Through the whole affair, nothing was said.

Connie's story is a bit more complex and refers to the Cyrsti's Condo post "Burgundy Dreams."
"Well, since nail polish has no gender, I guess it's for whomever wants it! I often see couples getting pedicures together - even whole families. I have yet to see a man by himself, though. 

This reminds me of when I was still but dipping my painted toe to test the waters of transition. A number of years ago, I had an experience that was seminal to my finally accepting myself for who I was. Because my cash flow had become so sporadic (I only worked as my male-self, but was only presenting that way about 15% of the time), I was behind on paying my water bill. The utility company sent out a technician to either collect or shut off my water, but I was afraid to answer the door with my female presentation. By the time I "undid" myself to stop it, the tech had done his work at the meter. I was told that I could pay with a credit card over the phone, and the tech would return to unlock my meter that afternoon - but I had to be there when he was. So, to make sure I wouldn't miss him, I decided to do some work outside. I was up on a ladder, that I had put up in haste, when he showed up, and so that worked out OK, and the water was back on. Not long after he left, though, the ladder slipped out from under me, and I crashed to the surface of the deck, hitting my head on a ladder wrung. My neighbor heard it, and ran over to help. 

Long story short, I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance because I had concussion symptoms. The first thing they did in the emergency room was to remove my clothing, and when they got to my socks, there were my freshly polished toenails, exposed for all to see! I joked that I was outed now, but the nurses were completely ambivalent. 

So, I learned a lot that day. Painted toenails are nothing compared to a serious injury. Had I not been afraid to answer the door to pay a bill that wouldn't have been overdue in the first place, if I'd just been living my life earnestly, none of this would have happened. Within weeks, I had secured work as my feminine-self, and I never hesitated to open my front door again. Eventually, I also learned that, although coming out requires the opening of a door, keeping it open allows for others to come in, as well."

Very profound! Thanks :)

Transgender Sexuality

When we transition from male to female, naturally enough, the world is driven to it's own conclusions over our sexuality.

If and when, I am given the chance, I love to insert my well worn phrase "Sex is between the legs, Gender is between the ears. I started to think about all of this again recently because of two recent happenings...one of which I wrote about here in Cyrsti's Condo, during the "Space Invader" post.

Very simply, the post was about another woman who wouldn't leave me alone. I don't like it when I am needlessly poked or prodded. Now, I'm not saying the whole thing was anything sexual but then again, I don't know. I am aware too, women are allowed to touch each other when men normally never do. One way or another, the advances were not liked or returned.

Of course too, we transgender women have the stigma of being promiscuous. Which comes from drag queens and fetish cross dressers.  I think if I see one more 50 ish crossdresser poured into a plaid mini skirt on other social media, I am going to scream.

Then again, going back to the original point, Connie has another idea:

"I dislike being nudged and poked, too. A gentle touch on the arm or hand is fine, as I enjoy platonic intimacy. Unfortunately, I am not prone to being the "toucher." I have a fear of having my affections misread as being sexual, just because my trans status may be misunderstood. This applies to both men and other women. Then, again, I have misread the touching by others as being platonic, only to discover that it was sexual. I have always been a bit naive, unable to readily recognize the difference between love and lust. I blame it, mostly, on the fact that I am a trans woman; a psychiatrist may have another take on it, though.

We, as trans woman, should have the same rights as anyone else to set our own boundaries, whether they be physical or verbal. You didn't deserve to be subjected to her invasions, but I doubt she knows that now any more than she did while she was committing them. Some people are always going to act in predictable ways. We can only recognize that fact and make the choice to either put up with it or stay away. Just know that it's her and not you". 

Especially now, in the era of the "Me Too" movement, it is especially important our boundaries are respected.

When You Fall Off the Wall

We have been writing about climbing transgender walls here in Cyrsti's Condo recently. Of course when and if you climb walls, you can expect set backs and even falling on occasion. Falling though, often is how you learn and discover how badly you want to transition. After all, it's quite OK to enjoy being a cross dresser and not transition any farther.

Long ago, a close friend said I "passed" out of sheer determination. While I never figured out if it was a compliment, I felt it did describe me to a "T." No pun intended.

Two of our regulars were kind enough to send in more comments on their personal "walls."

FABULOUSCONNIEDEEMarch 16, 2018 at 1:59 PM

Climbing a wall is one thing; repelling the other side, another. That point where your little voice was telling you something was wrong probably first started as you had reached close enough to the top of the wall to peep over to the other side. Eventually, it spurred you on to reach the top, and spoke to you as you sat, straddling the wall. Dare I say that this is the place that separates the cross dresser from the transitioning transgender woman (or man)?

For me, balancing my life atop that wall was terrifying and exhausting. I know, and know of, many trans women who find it to be terrific and exhilarating there, though. To them, acquiring a lifestyle of playing both sides, the masculine and the feminine, is part of the game they desire. I had grown so weary of playing the game, because my desire was to have a life - not a lifestyle. Rather than living out my femininity by individual experiences and events, I had to commit myself to taking the ultimate leap to the feminine side, and experiencing fully the good and the bad of it.

Life on this side of the big wall does require facing even more of them, but I've found many of these walls to be lower and easier to climb. In fact, some of my walls, now, can be merely stepped over. "

Paula GoodwinMarch 17, 2018 at 4:54 PM

I think that stage of trying to work out whether you are a cross dresser or need to go "full time" is often a question not so much of do I need to change, as can I bear not to. Certainly for me there can a stage when the wall was behind me and it was going back to trying to be "Him" that felt like climbing the wall. Eventually it just became easier to stay on the female side of that particular wall, of course that then meant another wall was in front of me."

Thanks! All you fellow climbers.

Transgender Versus Cross Dressing

Recently here in Cyrsti's Condo, I wrote a post somewhat comparing what cross dressers wear to my support meetings, in comparison to transgender women. Although I don't attach any significant positive or negative ideas to the idea...cross dressers just seem to out dress the trans girls normally. For a number of reasons, probably.

First and foremost, the trans girls don't really have anything to prove by going the extra distance to dress up for a casual meeting. Secondly, and just as important, cross dressers just don't have the overall time and experience to think, well, I will have plenty opportunities in the future to dress up, if desired. Finally, thirdly, most cross dressers are just learning their way in a feminine public world and still haven't settled into the woman they still are to become.

Interestingly, I received two comments from our regular readers on the same subject:

1. Paula GoodwinMarch 12, 2018 at 1:37 PM

   "It is quite noticeable at the group I attend, that it is those who have transitioned who most dress down, and those who have to make the most of their rare opportunities who are the most "Glamorous" this last week end there were at least two of us there wearing jeans and a sweater and with no make up at all."
2.            Paula! I agree with you. Thanks for the input and writing it better :)
3. 
   FABULOUSCONNIEDEEMarch 12, 2018 at 4:33 PM

   "Well, if you haven't upgraded your style to the cross dresser level, at least you're buying your coffee at a coffee shop instead of a gas station now. :-)
   
   Speaking of deciding what to wear to a meeting, I have come to the conclusion that I don't care what the rest of them (be they cross dressers or SRS transgender women) are wearing. I choose from my wardrobe just what I feel like wearing for the day (or evening). If I'm going to err at all, I would rather it be at such a meeting, rather than how I might be seen by the general public. I used to care too much about how other transgender women might be sizing me up. That is simply ridiculous, when you think about it, yet I have felt more judgement on my presentation from the trans community than I have from the general public. Around here, though, the cross dressing organization and the transitioning group generally keep away from each other. I have attended meetings for both, and I've worn jeans and a t-shirt to the CD meetings or a dress and heels with the other group. I may get a few looks with either, but I think they have a better idea of who I am by the time the meeting is over. The truth is, after all, that most of us just want to be who we always saw ourselves to be. So, that's what I do!
   
   It's what we often talk about - all in the confidence you show; not in the clothes you wear."
4. Thanks to you both! 
5. Connie, much of my coffee snobbery comes from the fact I now live in a major metropolitan area with coffee choices outside of gas stations and Tim Horton s! Ironically, confidence was one of the main topics with the cross dressers at last night's meeting.
6. 
   

Females or Women?

El Rondo wrote in and commented on one of my older Cyrsti's Condo posts, from 2013. I thought it to be relevant enough to revisit:

"

Females or Women?

Ever since I can remember, I have been fascinated with the feminine gender.  As with many of you, it's difficult to explain the deep, deep yearning I had to be a woman.  

Of course any success I have experienced in the transition process has been self taught and I wonder when I see genetic females who aren't women, I wonder why.

REALLY?

One of my pet gender ideas is "just because you are female, you aren't necessarily a woman." When I watch my daughter "interact and coach" my 13 year old granddaughter I understand why.  She is actively involved in how she stands, dresses and even does traditional feminine past times such as baking.  I'm dazzled when Ms 13 year old Math and Science wizard bakes.

On the other hand, I just don't grasp how so many females have no idea or will power to be women.  Then again, a dear friend who passed away some time ago told me it seemed to her so many women weren't teaching their daughters to be...women.

So maybe that's it. Where I live, we have an extremely high teen maternity rate. I know the stats reflect more than kids having kids and young females just being "baby makers". Self esteem and family conditions play into their lives too.

None of that takes away from the fact I don't understand why these females so easily toss chances to be women away.  Especially when I know so many transgender women who can't wait to get out of the closet and have their day in the sun.

Building Walls

It turns out, we received quite a bit of quality mail concerning our Cyrsti's Condo post about the walls we have to climb as we transition as transgender women and trans men.

The first from Marcia:

"MarciaMarch 1, 2018 at 1:42 PM

Wish I lived close to you (I don't-I live in Portland, OR). I think this is a great topic-especially the walls part. Have you considered taping your presentation and making it available via You Tube or the like?"

That is a great idea! In fact, I have been considering adding a pod cast to the blog for a long time and most certainly I think Liz could tape the workshop. Thanks!

And, a unique look from Connie:

"FABULOUSCONNIEDEEMarch 1, 2018 at 5:00 PM

Your mention of levels and walls reminds me of my daughter's mastery, a number of years ago, of the Mario Brothers video game. I remember so well how I spent all night trying to figure the game out before giving her the Nintendo, thinking I would certainly need to show her how to play the game Christmas morning. Of course, while it took me all night to figure how to get through the first level, she was through the third level before the day was over. I was the one who learned from her that some walls need to be jumped, some crashed through, and some climbed. Between the walls are things you must learn to avoid, as well as others you can use to your advantage to take you to the next level.

My twisted mind makes parody of things, usually through analogy and metaphor. I re-imagined the game as "Mario Sisters," with the object of the game being the transition to finally becoming the Princess, rather than saving her. Revisiting that idea, now, has me thinking that my own becoming of the princess was, at the same time, saving myself."

I love it! Thanks :)

Finally, from Paula Goodwin:
"Paula GoodwinMarch 2, 2018 at 10:18 AM

This sounds like a very interesting idea, I would certainly be interested in hearing your thoughts on Walls, so next time you are in London.......

Thinking about my own transition it has certainly gone in stages as I negotiate individual walls. I have tried to only think about the next decision ~ or to negotiate the wall in front of me. i.e. "am I trans or do I just like dressing up?" "Should I go full time?" "How do I tell people?", once all that was in the past and I was starting to live my own life I then had to work out what sort of a woman I am, more than what I want to wear! Then I would start to think about should I go on HRT; now I have to decide about GRS!

I think for many of us there is an idea that just doing that one thing will solve all our problems, whether that one thing involves surgery, drugs, or clothing; and the answer is usually that it doesn't! We do that one thing and then hit the wall, we can look forward so much to climbing over that wall, that it is all we can focus on, then when we get to the other side we find that not everything is solved, we still have issues to deal with, not all our problems are solved.

I remember seeing a video during my Disability Awareness training, "Will the real Glynn Vernon Stand up!" Glynn Vernon was at the time vice-chair of Scope he had sever Cerebral Palsy was a wheel chair user and used an interpreter to communicate. He started his video with the line
"My name's Glynn Vernon, I have two problems, not enough money and not enough sex""

I love the part about working out what "sort of woman" I am...much more than what I wear! And yes Paula, I would love to make it to London some day. Almost made it when I was in the Army, but the tour was cancelled due to an IRA bombing (dammit!)

I think I will use the "love" word once again to describe how much these comments meant to me!

Social Girl?

Well, tonight, Liz is going with me to the cross dresser - transgender social get together. I hope it goes well for her especially. She actually is more forgiving than I am in many situations, so I am sure all will go well.

I even have a new sweater to wear with leggings and boots. It's a cream colored hip hugging turtle neck with just a bit of sparkle to give it some pizzazz. The group's "social director" always comes early to get it set up and volunteered to meet anyone in the parking lot, who was a little afraid (or really afraid) to come in alone.

The offer brought back remembrances of my past, when I would have taken someone up on such an offer.

Liz and I plan on eating and having a drink, but are coming early. So, I doubt if we will see the whole group. Or, stay long enough to see if anyone embarrasses themselves.

I will let you know here in Cyrsti's Condo.

Cyrsti's Condo "Quote of the Day"

"Dealing in shadows will just make you a dark person."

Jessie

Merry Christmas!

I hope this Cyrsti's Condo post finds you safe,well and taking a moment to celebrate whatever religion you believe in!

Also, thank you sooo much for stopping by the blog as much as you do. It means a lot!

Happy Holidays!

Cyrsti's Condo "Quote of the Day"

"Being a guy was easier...it was just killing me doing it."

Jessie Hart

Cyrsti's Condo Easter Sunday Edition

Ker Plunk! Another Sunday Edition is hitting your virtual front porch. Here in Southwestern Ohio it's a bright shining Easter Sunday morning. Let's grab a "cup o joe" and get started!

Page One: Easter: Most of you know my views on religion and I am sick and tired of the religious right trying to usurp my rights under the guise of religion. Paula(who is from the UK) sent in this comment which says it all:

"As a Christian I would be profoundly saddened if any of my Church family felt that faith was something they only did on Sunday mornings and that they could leave it in the Church. We need to be outside the church displaying the love of God, ministering to the hurt, the sick, and the sad. There is no discrimination in Christianity, "There is no Greek, and no Jew, no master and no slave, no man and no woman." we are all equal in God's love and as God's children we should show that love to all.

As a European as well as a Christian I totally fail to understand what so many people in the USA as frightened of, and why they are so keen to go back into the sectarian politics of the last two centuries"

Thanks Paula and I think all of this religious paranoia is tied in with in the "Donald Trump" phenomena, gun violence "NRA" etc...as LGBTQ folk we have just been caught in the crossfire (no pun intended). For the first time ever, we are developing a real voice at the same time others consider us a real menace. To make a long story short Paula, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself and we have a ton of it!

Page Two: Yesterdays'  Coffee- Down Under:  Perth musician Jaime Page, who recently came out as transgender. Picture: Don Benson Photography.]

"PERTH rock guitarist Jaime Page is Perth’s answer to Caitlyn Jenner.

The married father-of-four, formerly Jamie, has shocked friends by recently announcing he is transgender.

Ms Page, who works at music store Kosmic Sound in Osborne Park by day, said she told her colleagues just before revealing her lifelong secret on Facebook last month.

“That was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life,” she said."

Let's hope Jaime does not have the same ideas about being transgender as Caitlyn Jenner!

Page Three: History : From the  Toronto Star, Canada

"The woman who was trans before her time

Dianna Boileau was one of the first Canadians to have gender-confirming surgery, in 1970. She caused a sensation, then married and retreated from public life.

By: Katie Daubs, Feature Writer, Published on Sun Mar 27 2016


[Photo: Dianna Boileau, in an image from her book Behold, I Am a Woman, published in 1972. Born in Winnipeg, she later moved to Toronto, where she led a quiet life until a car accident on the 401 thrust her into the spotlight. She was tormented by the press and lost her job.]"

I would imagine Bobbie who is from that neck of the woods remembers this story!

Page Four: The Back Page: I guess we pretty much followed a good portion of the British Empire in this edition. Stopping in Australia, Canada, the U.S. and Great Britain itself. 

It's time for us to go and take advantage of a beautiful day and thanks as always for stopping by Cyrsti's Condo.