Breaking Down Barriors

 

Image from Nick Fewings
on UnSplash

I made it through my first long, long day in a hospital waiting for the doctor to complete my wife Liz's two operations.

The day started quite early, around six thirty in the morning and involved initially just a few people who I needed to introduce myself to. I always wonder how I will be perceived when we tell other people we are married. I feel doing it sometimes give me a chance to possibly out myself to the world. Not to worry, everyone who met us was very nice and responded correctly to my gender which of course is "she and her." 

I needed a good start I found as I embarked on a very long day as I have written. My biggest problem is sitting in uncomfortable hard backed chairs for any length of time. The only type of chair available to me as I waited for hours and hours in the surgical waiting room. The only saving grace was the room had a free refreshment area with a good coffee machine plus free soft drinks and snacks. I quickly found I could mix a chocolate cappuccino which tasted fairly good. 

By noon, after I finally figured no one else in the waiting room had me to worry about, I had a chance to go to another waiting room where Liz was just coming out of surgery. Again I was treated nicely and was directed how to get to the cafeteria where I could have some much needed lunch. Getting there, I found, was going to be another challenge. By this time, my back was screaming at me and I was doing my best not to walk all hunched over. For some reason, I had forgotten to take any ibuprofen before I left the house. I paid the price as I had to find my way down to the cafeteria on very crowded elevators. On top of my gender dysphoria, I had to worry about being crowded into such a small space with so many people. 

Again, I had no problems navigating the cafeteria, even to the point of being called "Ma'am" when I ordered. Again the food was surprising good and before long I finished eating and headed back upstairs to the uncomfortable waiting room. Then the real wait started because after Liz came out of surgery, the hospital didn't have any rooms available as they were trying to get one cleaned. It took nearly four more hours of waiting before she got a room. By this time, I decided to head home and feed the cats and try to relax. 

Then I made a couple of wrong turns and became semi-lost during rush hour traffic in Cincinnati. My GPS finally kicked in and after a hour of stressful driving, I made it home. The cats were fed and I tried to lay down for a second and rest my aching back. I couldn't lay there long because I was still caffeine charged up and decided to head back to the hospital. When I did, I was much more successful in navigating the trip. Once I arrived I needed to check in as a guest and get registered which also was a challenge when the security guard who obviously was new finally found the room number where Liz was. 

We were able to visit for a couple hours after yet another long hospital walk. Plus I did manage to make the return trip home the correct way without any problems, including a stop to pick up some dinner.

Now, I need to wrap up this post and head back to the hospital. Hopefully, Liz will be released today. Hopefully I had the chance to meet other people who never have te chance to interact with a transgender person, their first experience and it was a good one.

Skirting the Issue

Image from Vladimir 
Yelizarov on 
UnSplash

Many years ago, I ran into the sting of being criticized for not wearing a skirt or a dress when I attended my first transvestite mixers. 

Many times I wore a nice pair of women's slacks long with foam hip pads to give me a slimming feminine appearance. Needless to say, it did not take me long to notice I was the only one not wearing a skirt or a dress to the mixer. Plus it did not take long for someone to mention to me why I would choose to dress the way I was. If I wanted to wear pants, I should have just come to the party as my male self. While my answer should have been why do not you mind your own business, instead I said something to the effect of I didn't need a dress to express my inner self.

Years later and armed with much more gender knowledge I knew I was correct on how I answered the person in question. The reason was, except for a brief love of denim mini skirts, I mainly never lost my fondness for wearing women's jeans and/or leggings. Personally, I found pants to be more comfortable as I blended in better with the close circle of cis-women friends I had bonded with. I guess I was fortunate also when women as a whole where I lived began to wear dresses and skirts less and less when they went out. During our recent visit I wrote about to our favorite restaurant which is huge in size, I never saw another woman in a skirt or dress. 

I will say, being a transgender woman who lives fulltime in a woman's world, I still value the flexibility to dress how I want. During the summer month's, if I wanted to wear one of my long and silky maxi dresses, I would. The whole process is part of female privilege and is what I signed up for. If I was getting bored with the same old drab male fashions, I could change my look up anytime I wanted. So skirting the issue was just another benefit. 

Another factor in say wearing leggings is they are warmer in the fall and winter months and benefit the changes hormone replacement therapy has had on my body. One of the first changes I felt under the new hormones was I was much more apt to feel the cool. No longer did I feel the women I felt were making up being cold all the time, were faking it. Along with them, suddenly I was cold also. Ironically, one of the last changes coming along would help me in my decision to acquire and wear leggings from my wardrobe. Slowly but surely after many years on HRT I started to develop my own hips. Leggings helped me to finally accentuate the fact I had a feminine body, not the testosterone damaged one I had to live with for so many years. 

These days, with fall finally setting in, I love my cozy sweaters and leggings. I paid my dues to blend into society and am happy to skirt the issue.  

From Dreams to Reality

 

Image from the Jessie Hart
Collection

Very early in life, when I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I never told the truth. I would fall back on the politically gender correct answer and say the usual such as a lawyer, doctor etc. The reason I say politically correct is because how I really wanted to answer was with the truth. All along I wanted just to be a woman when I grew up.

I do think, at the time, I did know what a difficult proposition being feminine was all about. Primarily against my will, all along I was becoming more entrenched in a male lifestyle I never wanted. When I was being the square peg being pounded or forced into societies' square hole, I hated it. Even then I put up a brave front and liked the popular male things such as sports and cars, in reality I wanted to be the kid with the new doll baby at Christmas rather than the BB Gun I was gifted. But, life went on along with a pending meeting with the military along with the Vietnam War. I outran the war as long as I could. Finally it caught up with me and I enlisted for three years in the Army, rather than being drafted and insuring me a sure date with Vietnam. 

I dreamed of pursuing a goal of pursuing my early career in the radio broadcasting business while I served my military service for my country. Sure it was all a long shot but the long shot suddenly became a reality with the help of a local congressman whose radio station I worked for. With his backing, I was able to work a year in Thailand for the AFTN Radio and Television Network and then against all odds, managed to end up in Germany working a year and a half for AFN or the American Forces Network Europe. In doing so I was able to experience new cultures on different continents while I tried to keep my eye on the goal I couldn't seem to lose, the desire to be a woman.   

As we approach Halloween season, it is important to note how important Halloween was to me. Primarily because the parties I attended in "costume" as a woman allowed me to experiment on how far I was advancing  my feminine presentation and more importantly could I exist in the public's eye as my dream  woman. I have plenty of posts I will be sharing as we come closer to the actual day of Halloween. 

Spoiler alert, of course I finally did overcome all my doubts of ever being able to live out my dream but found I still had a long distance to go on my gender journey. Every time I think I was making progress, I found I still had so much farther to go.  As destiny directed me, I painted myself into a gender corner I couldn't delude myself to continue. I was ready to take the final step and live my dream of being a full time transgender woman. No more of just thinking I was just a weekend cross dresser, I needed more.

When I did, the final step was till more scary and ambitious than I ever imagined. I still remember the day I gave what was left of my male clothes to the thrift store and resolved to never look back on my old male life. No more just hiding behind my cross dressing until I could escape back to my comfortable world of male privileges. Through it all, my HRT or hormone replacement therapy helped to alter my male body enough to help my difficult attempt to present convincingly as a woman. 

From dreams to reality, the long twisting gender experience was worth it. My lifelong dream was a true one and I learned I was not making anything up. I was living how I wanted. 

It's all In the Preparation

 

Anniversary Selfie from the
Jessie Hart Archives

Anyway you slice it, crossing the gender border to your authentic self is a huge task which takes a ton of work.

First of all you have to attempt to solve the problem of securing and applying makeup and clothes.  When I started I couldn't even paint my model cars well let alone my face. More times than not I ended up looking like a clown. It took me so long to be able to take my own meager funds and then sneak out to a store to buy my own cosmetics. The whole process was one of the scariest moments of my young life. To this day, I don't know how I pulled it off with my Dad working just  a block down the street. But I did and managed to learn the preparation needed to much later on leave my closet and join the world as a transgender woman. Of course with my wardrobe, again the same was true. I needed to mix and match whatever clothing items I could to do the best I could until I could afford to do better.

Perhaps two of the most beneficial things I did to further my transition was to take care of my skin and lose weight. Little did I realize, when I completed my daily hated shaving, I was actually helping my outward appearance, including when I applied a moisturizer when I did it. I am a believer it all helped when I began my hormone replacement therapy and my skin started to naturally soften anyhow. It was similar to going through puberty again. Just reversed from when I did I as a male growing up. The harsh, hated angles I acquired started to soften which made it so much easier for me to present to the world as a transgender woman.

The other main thing I did to further my male to female gender transition was to lose weight. In fact, I was able to lose nearly fifty pounds when I began to seriously attempt to the public's eye and begin to seriously go out. Of course it made finding and wearing fashionable clothes easer to find. It turned out, it was all in the preparation as I shopped for just the right accessory to go with just the right outfit. Fairly quickly, I faced the problem of over dressing the other women around me and needed to be careful if I wanted to blend in and not cause too much attention to me. Because, even with losing the weight, I still was a fairly large bodied woman and needed to do my best to present around the fact I had been subjected to testosterone poisoning in my past. 

Through it all, I learned again what I already knew. Being a woman meant joining the high maintenance gender and everything I thought I knew about being feminine had to be re-learned. A fact my second wife tried to tell me when what was left of my stubborn male ego wouldn't listen to her. When she told me I made a terrible woman, she wasn't talking about my appearance. Which turned out to be very difficult in one sense yet was the easiest  part of my transition in another. 

Often I wonder what it would have been like if I had had the opportunity to grow up as my chosen gender. To have had the peer pressure to look and act a certain way. More than likely, the grass would not have been as green as I think it would have been. Mainly because I think my Mom would have put increased pressure on me to conform to her world. Whatever the case, I think preparation would have been the key. Having more of it at an early age would have certainly helped.

More Hormonal Results

 

Image from Kareya Saleh
on UnSplash 

As I look back on my most recent posts, I discovered I left out one of my major changes when I started hormone replacement therapy.

The other major difference I left out was how the world around me started to appear. All around me, everything seemed to suddenly soften. All of it occurred at the same time the angles in my face were beginning to soften also, so perhaps the whole picture was a part of a bigger outcome. And the larger outcome was clear, the minimal (at that time) dosages of estradiol were working and I indeed was becoming more feminine. So quickly in fact, I was forced to change my timetable to when I planned on coming out to the world as a transgender woman. 

The in between step which unexpectedly took place was how quickly my overall appearance began to change. I went from a macho guy to androgynous person faster than I ever imagined. When I did, I began to consider when I was going to tell what was left of my family about my plans to complete a MtF gender transition. Since my parents had long since passed on, as well as other key individuals in my life, my "to tell" list was relatively small. 

I started with my daughter which turned out to be easy as well as a huge success. Her only comment was why was she the last to know. In fact, she was close to being the first to know since her Mother only knew me as a cross dresser or transvestite and her Step-Mother fought me every inch when and if I ever suggested I was transgender. So the topic was rarely if not ever brought up. My daughter's ultimate reaction was she wanted to take me out shopping which I declined since I already had a growing feminine wardrobe or treat me to a visit to her upscale hair spa for a makeover when my hair became long enough. Which turned out to fit perfectly in for me as a birthday gift. 

Just when I thought everything was going to be easy with my transgender coming out process, here comes my brother (only) and his family to ruin everything. After telling him I was trans, my invitation to the family Thanksgiving dinner was revoked. It especially hurt because my second wife used to single handily feed an increasingly large family for years on her own and here I was being shut out for wanting to live as my authentic self on the holiday. Since that time, now over ten years ago, we haven't spoken since. Even still, I was fortunate in that my daughter's family (including in laws) and my wife Liz's family have filled the void. I did not need or ever miss my brother's support anyway.

My body seemingly took to hormone replacement therapy as if it should have been on the new hormones all along. Destiny was on my side. It was a shame I needed to wait all the years I did to finally go through the gender change. Since all the time I used up as a male wasn't all bad, I was able to experience much in life while at the same time I obsessed on experiencing everything a hormonal change could do for me. The whole process helped usher me into a softer gentler more beautiful inner world.   

Keeping Secrets

 

Image from the
Jessie Hart Collection

These days as my memory tries to fade in situations I want to remember, I struggle to understand how I ever was able to pursue a life as a novice cross dresser. 

The only thing I do know is somehow I became a very skilled person in hiding my small wardrobe of clothes and when I could wear them. Very early I was able to combine my meager allowance I earned from working around the house with money I earned from delivering newspapers. I was fortunate in that my Grandma lived in town within walking distance of several of the old five and dime stores which sold makeup as well as a small selection of women's clothes. It was scary and exciting when I could visit her, sneak away, go downtown, and try to shop for my own feminine accessories. My memory has not failed me when I remember how terrified and confused I was when I made my own tentative steps to purchase items. First I needed to figure out what I was going to try to buy and then buy it. I was certain the clerk who checked me out would stop and ask me what I was doing with all my selections but of course she never did. 

Another problem I had when I went downtown was my Dad worked nearby the stores I was going to. I certainly did not want to meet up with him with purchases such as lipstick or panty hose. Happily, I never did. Then, once I returned to Grandma's, I needed to hide my treasures from her and begin to figure out how I was going to sneak them into the house past the two most inquisitive members of my family. My slightly younger brother and my Mom. I can't imagine now how I did it but somehow I managed. Slowly but surely I was able to end my reliance with trying to wear my Mom's clothes and use her makeup. Except for using her electric razor to shave my legs. How did I ever get away with that? You would think someone in my family would notice my hairless legs but no one ever did as I was hooked on the electric sensation when I put on panty hose with freshly shaved legs. 

I know one of the ways I found a semblance of privacy to cross dress as a girl came when I had acquired enough clothes in my wardrobe to hide a second small "stash" in an old hallowed out tree in the woods next door to our house. After school, I was able to slip away from my brother before my parents came home from work and visit my "wardrobe" in the woods. The entire process was far from ideal but I was able to feel the sensations of the clothes and it was enough to get me by.

I suppose the whole process of growing up with gender dysphoria taught me how to be a better sneak. Which I was never proud of. I was so sad I needed to keep such an important part of my life so hidden from the rest of the world. It turned out to be the beginning of a gender process which continued as I finally went through the process of transitioning into a transgender woman. Several of my least favorite memories which are still vivid (sadly) are when I tried and failed to sneak around on my second wife. Even though she had bent over backwards to help me as well as she could with my cross dressing, I still had to try to sneak around and do more as a novice transgender woman learning the world. Of course she would find out on occasion and all hell would break out. 

Keeping secrets was certainly no fun and with my straight forward personality, I don't know how I was able to keep up my all male  appearances but I did. Perhaps not remembering all that I went through is just a case of selective gender memory.    

Who Knew it Would be So Big

 More years ago than I would care to admit, I "borrowed" a pair of my Mom's hose and slowly slid them up my legs. Little did I know how from those humble beginnings I would finally grow into the feminine person I have become today. It all resulted in a life long gender journey which resulted in it's share of bumps and bruises. I think many transgender "outsiders" don't consider the real path we go through just to find and nourish our most inner gender needs. They think the process we go through is just a matter of wearing the clothes of the opposite gender we were born from. In other words, being transgender is just a phase. For me at least, I did go through a series of phases, mainly from going from confirmed crossdresser to out and proud transgender woman. 

Photo from the Jessie Hart
Archives

It certainly was not all a combination of kicks and giggles on my journey. First I needed to discover who I was and it was s scary experience. Letting go of all my ingrained male responses was as hard as it was to acquire them in the first place. I never wanted to be a boy and have all the experiences of youth which were forced on me. My parents came from the WWII/great depression era. They were great providers but sadly came up short in the emotional needs department.  I was expected to hide my emotions and move forward. I still can't imagine coming out at all to my Dad. I did briefly mention being a transvestite to my Mom after I was out of the Army and she shut me down by recommending electro-shock therapy. My "problem" was never mentioned again.

Years went past before gender knowledge began to catch up with the world and I began to have some sort of realization of who I really was. Terms such as "gender fluid" made sense to me as did the explanations that very few humans fell into a strict male/female gender binary standard. I remember how exciting and euphoric it was to realize again I wasn't so alone in the world. If they admitted it or not, most people just didn't fit into the gender binary we were all taught to think was the only way to be. Boys did not have to be boys and girls did not have to be girls. The two could mix. What a radical idea!

Through it all, I learned my gender issues were a big deal. I went through tons of pain and suffering to arrive at the other end of the gender tunnel which I described in a recent post. The light I found was not the train but a bright new world where I could be myself. I was finally past all the people who wanted to laugh at me behind my back or to my face. 

I wonder now if I ever had the choice to go back to those early cross dressing days, would I do anything different. Trying to hide dressing like a girl for the most part, led me down a life long road of sneaking behind the back of others. Some of which I cared deeply about. On the positive side of life, being transgender provided me with a unique look at both sides of the binary gender fence. I know of course I never really had a choice for whatever reason. I just never imagined the process would prove to be so big.  

What If?

 Why does it always seem there is a "what if" to every transgender question. Examples are many. Lets explore a few.

What if I had never went exploring in my Mom's underwear drawers and discovered the luxury of silky hose and panties. Would I have still had the same internal idea somehow I wanted to be a girl just because I wanted to wear feminine clothes. The answer was an easy one because very soon while I was still wearing the clothes of a girl I found the clothes were a stop-gap measure, I really was more interested in being the girl. Not just looking like one. In actuality proving to me I was a transgender woman not a cross dresser.

Then what if years later I had been completely recognized when I was surprised by my wife's boss in a store parking lot. Here was I dressed in a tight mini skirt, flats and wig feeling totally on my own in my chosen gender. I ended up throwing my shoulders back, standing up straight and walking past him without making any eye contact. I say I wasn't completely recognized because he made a point later of telling my wife of the large "red head" he saw in a store parking lot. Of course she made it a priority to tell me knowing full well I owned a redheaded wig and it was my favorite,

There was more "what if" to this experience. What if I had never decided to try to accomplish more day to day womanly tasks such as doing the grocery shopping. If I didn't I would have never

 
encountered a young grocery bagger who was totally flustered waiting on me. Of course it will be forever one of those endearing ego based mysteries. Was he flustered because of how I looked as a cross dresser or was it all because I was a cross dresser to start with. Either way, it was another lesson learned when a woman mentally over powers a man.

Perhaps my biggest "what if" has to with the night at the Fridays restaurant/bar when I decided enough was enough. What if I quit going out doing my best to "fool" the world into thinking I was a woman and see if I could actually exist as one in a feminine world. What if I had actually backed out of the idea after I had sat in my car positively panicked waiting for a half hour for just the right moment to go in. Of course now it is all ancient history what happened. I wasn't laughed out of the venue and ended up establishing myself as a regular for years to come. All as my authentic self.  

From there the dominoes began to fall as I began to explore the possibilities of living a feminine life I had barely dreamed of ever living. Leading me to a huge "what if" I had the determination and the perseverance to begin hormone replacement therapy. Again I made the commitment to "do the meds" and the rest is history as I love it.

In a transgender life there always seems to be more questions. I am nearly seventy three years of age and now it is time to look my final "what if" head on. My biggest fear continues to be what will happen to me if I ever have to go into an assisted living and/or nursing home situation. At this time in my life I keep telling myself not to worry about jumping off that bridge until I come to it. 

In the meantime I am setting my sights on being able to enjoy the up coming Cincinnati Pride Pub Crawl.   

Addiction?

 Many years ago I struggled to think my cross dressing  urges were just a harmless way of expressing myself, even to the point of referring to it as a hobby (to myself). There was no way I was going to tell anyone else of my hobby without subjecting myself to ridicule, or worse. As the years went by I outgrew my idea of wearing women's clothes as being any sort of a hobby. My love of sports and model railroading were hobbies. Attempting to develop my feminine self the best I could became an increasingly serious pursuit.

By that time in my life as I entered my college years, I began to wonder if my crossdressing urges were more of an addiction. The reason being was because when I took the time and effort to dress I would automatically feel better for several days. What I didn't realize was I was feeling natural for a change when I was aligning my feminine side with my external appearance. 

Photo Courtesy: Cyrsti Hart

Along the way I received a clue from the first gender therapist I went to. She bluntly told me I would never totally lose my transvestite urges. (Remember that word?) To me it meant the path I was on had nothing to do with being addicted to wearing women's clothes. The whole process provided me with one answer but in turn sent me on another path searching for answers. 

For what ever reason as the years flew by I couldn't face the fact I was living a lie as I tried as hard as I could to be a macho man. The only addictions I was living through were the stresses my severe gender dysphoria was causing me  and the extreme amount of alcohol I was consuming to to outrun all my urges.

I was very fortunate in that all of my excesses which led to thoughts of self harm didn't kill me. In fact, one of the reasons I decided to write about my life was in hope others could learn from it. Another way of saying I/you were there too and could make it out of the closet and into the world.

Finally after years of struggle I figured out the only addiction I had was holding on as long as I did to my white male privilege.  Once I let it all go it was similar to taking a heavy weight from my shoulders. Very few people were around to witness my gender transgender transition but the ones who did mentioned how much happier I was. 

I am fond of saying I was a crossdresser for a half a century before I could get it through my thick noggin what my problem was. At that point I started hormone replacement therapy and formed plans to live full time as my authentic feminine self. 

I guess you can say I am still addicted...to my estrogen patches. 

Secrets

Connie sent in an interesting comment on the recent post in Cyrsti's Condo entitled "You Maybe Trans If." 

Parts of it reveal what I was thinking "back in the day." 

Read on: 

"Well, we've known each other (although never meeting in person) long enough that I can remember you telling me you were comfortable with living as both man and woman, switching as the opportunities and situations presented themselves. I also remember that I challenged you on that. While your late wife had questioned your being "man enough" to be a woman, my wife was telling me that it seemed all I wanted was to enjoy all the fun parts of being a girl. Although we've each accepted challenges in different ways, procrastination was not a friend for either of us. Not that we procrastinated purely for the sake of it. Our established relationships with our respective families, friends, and careers were of such importance to us, and the perceived risk of loss with either seemed daunting. 

At some point, though, we came to our own realizations that we needed to accept ourselves before we could expect that anyone else would accept us as our true selves. For me, any acceptance, of and for my feminine-self, was dependent on a total honesty with myself and others. One can no longer call their behavior cross dressing when doing so is the only time when they feel happy and at ease. I remember you telling me about your comfort in switching back and forth between your masculine and feminine lives so well because I had reached a point, at that time, where I could no longer tolerate switching away from my feminine self. For me to present as a man had become nothing less than a necessary evil, and I was engaging in a reluctant cross dressing activity when doing so. In fact, I dubbed this as "cross duress-ing." I had come to not only accept the not-so-fun parts of being a girl, but I was also willing to give up any male privilege I had in order to do so. It was the way I felt, then, that was cause for my challenge to you, as I knew you were so close to that same realization, yourself. 

It wasn't too long after that you began a new year with HRT! My old competitive male-self might have seen that as a challenge, but I really just couldn't have been happier for you. As time went on, I could see the effects of the HRT in you, and you became such a nice woman that it made me wonder how I ever could have liked you, at all, before! (only kidding, my dear). The truth is that we don't transition away from our male-selves, so much as we allow ourselves to integrate those parts of our pasts that fit our feminine-selves. As you said, it's a matter of perspective."

Thanks for all of the true perspective. I especially like the comment about giving up all of your male privilege when you transition from being a cross dresser to living as a transgender woman! 

Ghost Hunting

Liz and I went back to Roh's Opera House in Cynthiana, Kentucky Saturday night for another ghost hunting adventure. If you are a fan, you may know Cynthiana is the home of the "Walking Dead" television show writers.

The Opera House itself is an interesting blend of spirits, for the most part positive which is why I like to go there. Staying up all night is another story. It normally takes me a couple days to regain my equilibrium. In fact, I ended up missing one of the cross dresser-transgender support group meetings I go to.

I will be making up for that by going to the Christmas party with Liz this year. It is the only evening I really concentrate on getting all dressed up for.

Of course, Saturday night was all casual, with jeans and tennis shoes. I also like to go because I automatically get addressed by all the right pronouns. During four trips with the group, I have only had to correct one guy...once.

For all of you who want to become more accomplished in the world as a transgender woman (or cross dresser) you may want to consider joining a group of civilians and establishing yourself. By civilians I mean a group that has other interests in mainstream society.

The best example I can think of is a cross dresser in the group I am part of. I have never heard her refer to herself as transgender and is close to 80 years old. As a woman she is a deacon of her church and serves on the board of directors of the Cincinnati Reds baseball team women's auxiliary. She is simply amazing.

Others I could mention are Connie who works as her true self, Paula the musician and Mandy the traveler. I am sure they would all agree, it is a process and something normally doesn't happen over night.

As far as my overnight experience went, I wasn't miss-gendered by a spirit. So I guess it was a success.

Monday Night

For some reason, the cross dresser-transgender support group meeting was sparsely attended. Many of the usual suspects were not there to write about.

The majority of the people there were struggling to figure how when, how and where to come out to loved ones. Fortunately, I have those hassles totally in my past. One transgender woman came in her "Alice in Wonderland" costume she made herself.

Unfortunately, the new moderator of the group has a tendency to be a little boring and repeat herself quite a bit, so that could be the reason attendance is down.

So, since I didn't have lot to write about, I decided to add another (and final) photo from the Witches Ball. This one includes my partner Liz and proves I do wear dresses occasionally.

Where to go From Here

Independence Day has now come and gone, so now we have a fairly long stretch of summer coming up with very little happening. Plus, this run of brutal heat is continuing for at least another day before we have a respite this weekend.

Next week though, I have a transgender-crossdresser meeting on Monday, which should be fun because one of the trans moderators just got engaged this weekend. Then on Tuesday, I make the journey North to see my therapist at the Dayton, Ohio Veterans Administration campus. 

As far as summer fashion goes, I am pretty well set, so I should start looking ahead to the fall and it's new fashion trends. Perhaps I can find a deal or two on the racks where I shop.

Also, Liz and I want to take another "mini" vacation sometime in August. Most likely, back up to Columbus, Ohio. We might want to work it in before The Ohio State University gets back for it's fall session towards the end of the month. (August)

It's tough to wish time away at my age, so this time I will call it...advanced planning!

Transgender Versus Cross Dressing

Recently here in Cyrsti's Condo, I wrote a post somewhat comparing what cross dressers wear to my support meetings, in comparison to transgender women. Although I don't attach any significant positive or negative ideas to the idea...cross dressers just seem to out dress the trans girls normally. For a number of reasons, probably.

First and foremost, the trans girls don't really have anything to prove by going the extra distance to dress up for a casual meeting. Secondly, and just as important, cross dressers just don't have the overall time and experience to think, well, I will have plenty opportunities in the future to dress up, if desired. Finally, thirdly, most cross dressers are just learning their way in a feminine public world and still haven't settled into the woman they still are to become.

Interestingly, I received two comments from our regular readers on the same subject:

1. Paula GoodwinMarch 12, 2018 at 1:37 PM

   "It is quite noticeable at the group I attend, that it is those who have transitioned who most dress down, and those who have to make the most of their rare opportunities who are the most "Glamorous" this last week end there were at least two of us there wearing jeans and a sweater and with no make up at all."
2.            Paula! I agree with you. Thanks for the input and writing it better :)
3. 
   FABULOUSCONNIEDEEMarch 12, 2018 at 4:33 PM

   "Well, if you haven't upgraded your style to the cross dresser level, at least you're buying your coffee at a coffee shop instead of a gas station now. :-)
   
   Speaking of deciding what to wear to a meeting, I have come to the conclusion that I don't care what the rest of them (be they cross dressers or SRS transgender women) are wearing. I choose from my wardrobe just what I feel like wearing for the day (or evening). If I'm going to err at all, I would rather it be at such a meeting, rather than how I might be seen by the general public. I used to care too much about how other transgender women might be sizing me up. That is simply ridiculous, when you think about it, yet I have felt more judgement on my presentation from the trans community than I have from the general public. Around here, though, the cross dressing organization and the transitioning group generally keep away from each other. I have attended meetings for both, and I've worn jeans and a t-shirt to the CD meetings or a dress and heels with the other group. I may get a few looks with either, but I think they have a better idea of who I am by the time the meeting is over. The truth is, after all, that most of us just want to be who we always saw ourselves to be. So, that's what I do!
   
   It's what we often talk about - all in the confidence you show; not in the clothes you wear."
4. Thanks to you both! 
5. Connie, much of my coffee snobbery comes from the fact I now live in a major metropolitan area with coffee choices outside of gas stations and Tim Horton s! Ironically, confidence was one of the main topics with the cross dressers at last night's meeting.
6. 
   

Going All The Way with HRT

Cyrsti's Condo received two comments concerning my Who Was That Woman post:

1. joanna SantosNovember 5, 2017 at 6:07 PM

   Excellent good for you Cyrsti!
2. 
   Paula GoodwinNovember 6, 2017 at 7:37 AM

   Most of the things we fear never happen!
   
   I'm a little behind you on the HRT Route ~ well quite a bit actually, but the changes to how I look to others is already quite dramatic, my latest joy is having the confidence in appearance to go out without makeup.
3. Thanks to both of you ladies for your comments!
4. I still don't think most cross dressers contemplating the move to full time transgender status fully realize what it means. 
5. To start with, the move makes cross dressing up more than something which happens on a special occasion and takes hours. You learn fairly quickly what cis women know all along. You work with what you have and do the best you can with time and financial constraints. I'm not saying going out looking like a slob but there is a middle point of blending in with all the other women you are around.
6. A case in point happened to me yesterday at the grocery store when I spotted a large blond woman around the deli. My "trans-dar" went off ever so slightly. She was wearing nice jeans and a bright colored top and as I was looking at her, she turned back and smiled at me. Of course, not wanting to be a bitch, I smiled back, hoping to get another look. Or at least, a honorable mention. 
7. The point is we were dressed in the appropriate genre of clothing to blend in where we were shopping. Not glamorous but effective.
8. There is another point to be made, which gets into the tender areas of one person claiming they are "more trans" than the other. Without being too over-simplistic, here is how it worked for me:
9. Very early in my cross dressing experience, the clothes lost their fetishistic buzz but the urge to be a girl didn't. So for those of you who think being transgender is a forever condition...I qualify. If I would have ever been content with just cross dressing up to the max whenever I could, I would have fallen into the crossdresser category. Which there is absolutely nothing wrong with. If I was just into cross dressing, I can't begin to tell you the time, sorrow and effort I would have saved. 
10. Plus, I can only tell you now, going all the way with HRT was the way for me personally and some will say I am still a transgender impostor because I don't desire to go any farther and subject myself to the pain of SRS.
11. The bottom line is (of course) we are all on a gender spectrum (continuum) and when and if we find the proper point for us, we feel at home.
12. Here is hoping we all do!

Boys Will be Girls

In what will probably be my last Witches's Ball post, I remembered I promised to tell all of you if I saw any/many cross dressers and/or beginning transgender women at the ball.

The answer is just a couple over the course of the evening out of an estimated 150 attendees.

As you can see to the left, I was afforded a great seat to sit and "people" watch.

Both of the other cross dressers were very young and thin and one was dressed as a skeletal witch and the other just as a girl. One looked like she was wearing her own hair and the other had a cheap Halloween store blond knock off.

Liz had a chance to make eye contact with the second who was there with a group of girls and received a shy smile in return.

I couldn't make eye contact with either which was different because of all the other eye contact I made.

Maybe next year they will be back!

The Bitch (Witch) is Back!

After much consternation over the "gangster moll" costume not fitting well, I decided to save Liz the time to make it over and will come to the "Cincinnati Witches Ball" as ...a witch.

Witches Ball Costume...Five years ago

I use a long flowing black and white patterned dress with fish nets and flats and use a much lighter foundation to set off my "smoky eyes." If I can find a funky witches hat to go with it, I am going to add it this year too.

Last year, I did garner the attention of an "admirer" so it will be interesting to see if I do again this year.

It's a fun free wheeling costume to wear, so I'm looking forward to "gliding" through the evening. I suppose I could pick up a witches broom to go with the costume, but it would be something else I would have to keep track of and put out extra expense.

With a little luck I may be able to come up with a picture!

It will be interesting if I see any other cross dresser - transgender women there.

Semi Busy

This week will be a little busy.

Tonight is another Crossport transgender - crossdresser support meeting. Even though not many attend, there is normally interesting conversation from individuals ranging from totally in the closet to those who have gone all the way through SRS. It's starting to get a bit cooler now, so I expect more attendees.

Wednesday is another fun filled day with my therapist and final trip to the attorney to fill out my probate paperwork.

Again, it is supposed to be cooler on Wednesday so I am thinking about leggings and boots for the day.

Other than that, we are moving closer and closer to the magik bewitching hour of Halloween. At it's best, a chance for those cross dressers and trans women still in the closet to burst out and strut their feminine selves or, at the least a chance for all of us to join cis women everywhere and wear something a little trashy.

A chance for you to add to your favorite LGBT Halloween story!

Transgender Minutia

If you are a fledgling transgender woman or cross dresser just beginning to make your way in the world, one of the more important male habits which can get you outed  is how you eat.

While cis women vary widely in eating habits, we trans girls are not afforded the same luxury. We just have to be better.

Various tips include, cutting food in smaller bites and tilting your head slightly as you eat. Plus, by all means don't shovel your food in! That giant hamburger needs to be cut and maybe even eaten with the help of a fork. Depending on where you are, or who you are with, those chicken wings may not be such a good choice.

Eating usually interferes with lipstick too, so care should be taken. Plus how women eat is considered to be sensual by more than a few cis men.

All of these tips are learned by cis girls growing up, but again, we transgender and or cross dressers never had a chance to learn. After all, eating like a girl got you the unwanted "sissy" label.

"Bon appetite" !

All in a Day...or Two

Several "housekeeping" items for you here in Cyrsti's Condo.

The first of which is (as reported by Jeni) the guy who outed Zeke on Survivor has been fired from his job as a real estate agent in North Carolina of all places. What he did of course was irresponsible at the least.

Second of all, it seems all my quiet time has passed me by as far as transgender happenings go. This afternoon, I am attending the transgender veteran support group up at the Dayton, Ohio VA, Then Thursday I go back for my monthly appointment with my psychologist to check what is left of my sanity.

Monday, is Crossport, a group of trans women and cross dressers here in Cincinnati, which normally proves to be interesting with the individuals involved. And, the Trans Ohio Symposium is sneaking up on Liz and I on the last weekend of April in Columbus, Ohio.

So all in all, the next week or so is shaping up to be a busy time and on top of it all. I am going to try to get my nails done (mani only) for the first time in my life which should be interesting!

Of course, I will keep you a-breast of the happenings! :)